The Chaser Report - How Should We Prank King Charles? | Sami Shah

Episode Date: December 6, 2023

Sami Shah of News Weakly joins Dom Knight to discuss the royal family and King Charles and Queen Camilla's trip to Australia next year. Obviously the first question to come up is how should we prank them. AFP, if you're listening, we're joking ;) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigall Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and without Charles. Instead, we've upgraded once again to Sammy Schar of the News Weekly podcast and many other fabulous things all the time. Hello, Sammy. Hello, good to see you again. Nice to catch up with you just before the end of 2023. What a momentous year it's been.

So many things have happened, including, I believe you. You've added to your family. We've discussed this before, haven't we? Yeah, absolutely. Probably barely recall any of the details of this year in an insomniac mess. It is bizarre. Like, the fact that we're in December right now is, I don't know why I find it so depressing, but I really do because I feel like it's still March, maybe at the earliest April.

The fact that, yeah, all of the rest of the year has somehow gone by, other than obviously a child that I have kept alive, I have nothing else much to show for it. Are you sure? As of last time, you saw the child. I mean, look, luckily I'm not solo parenting, so the chances of me getting it wrong are 50% at this point. That's good. That is good. I mean, no disrespect to your abilities in this department. All right, so we'll look back on the other bits of 2023, besides Sammy's extended family after this. Okay, so, I mean, that's, that is enough for a year, really, isn't it?

Keeping a child going. Is it cruel to bring a child into the world, though? I don't mean to be difficult in 2023. that is a thing that I heard, I remember hearing this back in 2018, 2019 as well, like, before even the pandemic when people were like, it's so, it used to be a lot of like young hipsters in Melbourne's in a north who used to say things like, oh, who would bring a child into this world. And these are people with like, you know, parents going to buy them a house anyway and stuff like that, pretty good lives. And they're like, oh, but look at climate change and look at the miseries of the world. And that basically is what, no one in third world country should ever have a child then? because their lives are shit and so like that whole argument of like bringing children into a shitty world the world's been shitty for most of its history if you actually look back on it there wasn't a period where maybe okay maybe the 1990s i would argue the 1990s were a golden time to bring a child into it other than that it's been shit always and people have brought kids into them and that's you know what else you're supposed to do if you're not supposed to propagate your species

what else are we supposed to make bread all day that's a very good question well it's funny you say that I spent a bit of time this week. I mean, having brought a child into this world last year, but also in 2018, my daughter, like many girls, and you presumably will have been through this too, Sammy. She's very into princesses, right? Princesses are big, mostly princesses. Kings and Queens fit in the picture somewhere, but certainly princesses. And so she's begun to wonder why she can't be a princess.

What are the barriers between her life and becoming a princess? Now, that said, Sammy, it is possible, in Sydney, at least, if you go to the right bar on the right night during, I don't know, the Sydney Olympics, you might become a princess. You might pick up royalty. I mean, that's pretty much slam dunk in the dating scene. That would happen there. But well done, Mary Donaldson, killed it. Yeah.

But for most of us, it's impossible. And I got to explaining how it all worked. And before I knew it, Sammy, I was explaining feudalism to my five-year-old daughter. And there's nothing good about it. The way things used to basically, the best way to explain it was that a large series of increasingly powerful bullies told everyone what. to do and then fought each other and then were constantly worried about getting knocked off their position and so I kept fighting everyone all the time and making people

fight their wars for them and so I'm going well this is what kings and queens are they appointed a king to try and make sure that all the Lord's got to keep their land and said in return for that you can be the king and you could just see the sort of the light in her eyes die as I explained it as and princesses were usually married off with our two other households so that there could be a better union to be made and it was like a life of cuddles and mattresses, but with a single P under it, it was mostly a life of pleasing some overweight lord that your dad wanted to have a good friendship with.

That's right. So you were basically being traded to chattel. So it was absolutely awful, in other words. Well, she had to learn sometime. Maybe the age of five is too young. Some would argue, but, you know, who's to judge another parent's parenting style? I mean, my approach generally, Sammy, is when the question is asked, you try and answer it. But I must say, I did stop short of how does Santa know.

whether I've been good or bad, are they cameras? I mean, this is a girl who's growing up in a surveillance capitalist society, right? Yeah, yeah. She knows. She knows. It's entirely plausible that Santa has cameras everywhere, right? Yeah, absolutely. Amazon does.

Our only hope is that Santa isn't masturbating to those cameras to the feed from that cameras. That's the only thing you can really hope for in life. The rest of it is, who knows? Look, it might... You've just ruined Christmas. You've ruined Christmas. I'm now imagining him just going, yes, you're nice. Rubbing his little elf.

God. Oh, he was a naughty little elf. That's hideous. That's hideous. Look, the history of the world is basically, most people had 19 kids because 17 of them would die of malaria, the cough, bad water, and maybe diarrhea. And then the remaining two would live to 45, even 32, respectively. One would get married off at the age of 12, and the other one would die fighting a war for some lord. And if you were lucky, your town didn't get raided by the next town over and killed for sheep.

That was the history of humanity And people had lots of kids then We're living in a latte sipping matchup Drinking, you know Just everything's got turmeric in it And all your clothes are from Uniclo Paradise And we're saying Oh, I don't know if I should bring a child into it

Fuck it, have 19 What are you being so precious about? That's true. Things are better than they've been I'm not saying they're good Sammy But they are clearly I mean, and you read Wolf Hall or something And you start remembering, oh yeah The Plague was a thing

Wasn't it? The Black Death, the bubonic Plague Just at some point, a lot of your family would just all die at the same time. That was just normal back then. Yeah, absolutely. And so, yeah, there's a few people dying still and sure there's some, you know, plague still happening here or there, or there's, you know, malaria is still a problem as, you know, dysentery in parts of Africa, and there's maybe arguably some genocides happening in the world. But there may be some wars elsewhere.

That's true. Yeah. But all in all, if you're living in Australia, shut the fuck up. I don't know. I'm sorry. There's a lot of people with miserable lives, and I acknowledge their suffering. Yes, true. But that's no reason not to bring kids into the world because, you know what they say, Sammy.

You know, misery shared is misery halved. Yeah, absolutely. That's the thing. Look, look, I've got a friend, you might know him, the comedian Dilruk Ajayasina. Oh, yeah. There's another comedian, Ivan Aristigeta, and neither of them have kids. And they're my age. And I look at their lives where, you know, like sometimes Dilruk will be telling us stories about, yeah,

and then I had sex with someone else, and then I had sex with another person, and then I had some brownies. and then we had sex again and Yvonne would be like, yeah, I slept until four and then after that I woke up and I went for a walk in the park and then I got bored

so I took another nap and I look at them and all I can think is I want them to have kids so I don't have to hear this shit anymore because it's fucking infuriating. Absolutely. There's nothing more annoying

than a comedian who doesn't have kids because comedians most of the time work for an hour a day, right? I mean, if you're doing well in comedy, there's literally nothing to do until, I don't know, show time. Maybe it's five minutes a day if you're doing really well.

But yeah, so how do they feel the time? Are they like Hugh Grant's character and about a boy? They've got to work out units in order to fill the day because that is not a problem I've had in a very long time. You know what ends up happening. And I know this because I know many comedians like this. They all hit their 40s and then they go a little bit crazy. They're also getting obsessed with mindfulness.

They start reading Marcus Aurelius for some reason. Really? All of them think Marcus Aurelius is great for some reason. that he's got the answers to the universe. Then they all start doing a lot of therapy and they're still assholes. Every one of them is an unmitigated asshole, but now they know why they're an asshole.

Self-actualized. Yeah, exactly. Oh, it's their daddy's fault, right. So that's their journey. That's their journey, exactly. How extraordinary. Okay. But they could have children if they wanted.

I mean, from what you're saying, they're having enough sex to be having children all over the place. Yeah, absolutely. But, yeah, maybe all the weed they're smoking is what's killing all the sperm cells. I don't know. I have no idea. I'm just jealous of their lifestyle. It's fucking bullshit.

They keep telling me about it. Look, speaking of feudism, Sammy, I have some wonderful news to break to the listeners of the podcast. You probably won't have seen this on the news. It's not even that big a deal anymore. But in October next year, 2024, we're receiving a royal visit. King Charles and Queen Camilla are going to visit Down Under for the very first time in their new gig. Let's talk about it after these. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust.

Yeah, so it'll be a wonderful opportunity for my daughter to experience the idea that there are kings and queens and princesses. There's a king of Australia, but he's kind of a doddery old guy who speaks in a reposch accent. Can you imagine if she's imagining, she's imagining like the king of Arindale, whatever that guy's name was. Yeah, it's very kind, young, you know, King Aragorn for the Lord of the Rings. And this, this sort of old guy who basically is like Lord Emsworth from the Blandings novel, just basically likes gardening and pottering around, he's going to be here with all the... I mean, there's a photo of him here on the news website and all of his fancy military gear.

It's just silly dress-ups, isn't it, at this point? They're all... Like, they're not even good-looking royals. Like, they're, like, maybe the sons, you can argue, thank God for Diana's genetics in there and the sons came, or, you know, maybe the horse trainer, if you believe, some of the conspiracy theories.

Joey's out of that one. But, like, Charles looks very much like a double chin. Like, he doesn't even look like a whole chin. He just looks like the sentient double chin. And Camilla looks just squidgy. She looks like someone drew her and then smudged it, and then that's what Camilla is now. I mean, I don't want to just to look shame people.

I'm not the world's most handsome man myself, Sammy, but I will say that when you see, particularly the young King Charles, who's a little weedy, when you see those shots of him at the beach and so on, you're kind of going, yeah, this family is not sufficiently expanded. It's Jean-Pool. And this is why I really feel that all the scandals we've had about the,

you know, the Harry, Megan, offspring and their genetics and so on and what their skin color would be. That is a family that badly needs new genes in the mix. Like, they should have been, they should have been over backwards and said, Megan, thank God, there's someone who's not related to the same German royal. This is amazing, you know, please have as many children as you want. Feel free to make sure that some of them aren't even fathered by Harry, that'd be fine. Let's just mix shit up because our genetic line is just an absolute cesspool. Well, I mean, look, like, I come from a part of the world where cousin marriage is very, very strong.

In fact, you know, many times it's actually encouraged. In fact, one of my grandparents actually tried to marry me off to a cousin, and my parents were like, hell to know we're not doing that. We're educated. But you see that. You see that kind of the end result of cousin marriage, a great deal, which is the kids usually end up, like one knuckle is missing. They always twitch a little bit. They have the strangest opinions. They always try getting into business and then just lose all the family money.

And when you look at that on a mass scale and then compare it to the royal family, a lot of the royal family's decisions, life choices, overall, you know, behavior makes sense. And then you think about the fact that we are ruled by them still. And you can't get embarrassed about being Australian sometimes. Like, I sound like, this is our chance. October they come here. October we do, we call enough of this bullshit. We overthrow them, maybe do it old school where you kill the king and then quarter him and then a different limb is sent to every part of the country as a message to future attempted ruler. and that's how we become a republic finding.

It's also worth noting that were that to happen, the hanged, drawn and courted stuff, that would be traditional, right? Yeah. That's not us saying. We're appointing English tradition. We're not advocating regicide. That would probably be technically treason.

We're just pointing out that there are traditions here and we know how much the Royal Family loves traditions. And it seems a little bit selective and hypocritical to me, Sammy, that they're going, oh, we want all these. You've got to have the tradition of us still owning everything because, hey, that's just an important tradition. to keep, but you can't have the tradition of regicide by hanging drawing and quartering and sending the limbs to each. I mean, particularly these days with the Commonwealth, you could send it to all

part to the Commonwealth. It could be like the Commonwealth Games torch, couldn't it? The different limbs. And this is, you know, at the end of the day, we don't mind people owning everything as long as they've earned it. They need to earn it. And, you know, when you look at the War of the Roses, for example, and you consider, you know, the Plantagenets and the Lancaster's and how many, and the Yorks and how many people died there, the end result of that was several hundred years of empire. They earn the right to rule. These people have gotten soft. We need to kill a few of them and then get new ones. And I say this not as someone who is inciting violence. I just say this is someone who believes in the importance of upholding family values and tradition. So if King

Charles wants to get on the back of a horse and get a sword and, you know, personally eviscerate all the rebels, that's fine. That's the way to do it. Then he's won the right. Yeah. But this is true. We've got soft royals. They've grown soft, they've grown complacent. I mean, he's the kind of, he'll go and speak at a climate summit, Sammy. Although I do wonder whether he can hold a lance with those pudgy fingers of his. Remember? Well, yeah. That's a good question. You mentioned the knuckles missing before. There's a picture of him here opening the British Parliament in November with white gloves on. And it's not clear how many knuckles there are under the gloves. I don't know

if you can hold a lance, but that's the thing. If he manages to, you know, like Game of Thrones trial by combat, if he manages to defeat all comers in battle, then sure, stay on as king. But they've grown pudgy and complacent. They're hopeless. I don't think any of them. I mean, Prince William's not going to be able to win a trial by combat, is he?

No. He wants to get up and talk about an earthshot prize. He doesn't want to behead people to maintain his family's prestige. I think we've sold it. I think basically we welcome them in October and then we spring the trap. This is what I recommend Chaser Chaser's new advocacy campaign should be

his killer king for Chaser Why are we the ones who replied at the regicides, have he? Look free! Would you suspect, let me put it this way. Would you expect anyone else to do it other than you and me? Let's be honest here. Charles isn't going to do it. Charles is the royalist.

You know he is deep down. There's a look in his eye. There is always a look in his eye. See, the thing about Charles is he's just such a schemer. I'm surprised. If he was involved in my... regicide, Sammy, he'd be plotting to become king himself. He wouldn't be... Or, you know what, he'd put it into some sort of socialist republic, but where he was the

grand ruler. That's what he'd do. I mean, he'd be a king by another name. And I'm trying to think who would be worse, him or Charles? Which Charles? Which Charles he won? All right, King Charles or our Charles? King Charles the third or King Charles the fourth? I see our Charles as being more likely to start beheadings in mass executions than the current king. It's all I'm saying. he does like starting new initiatives. I mean, Charles would start, he'd start some sort of mass beheading movement and then tire of it halfway through.

And the tumbles would be going, he'd be like Robes Pierre or something, just starting some sort of mass guilloteneing going on. And then he'd wander off and want to start some other new project over there. And meanwhile, the killings would continue. And he'd be like, oh, yeah, I'm not really interested in that anymore.

Let's go and do some poisonings. And he'd tell me I'd definitely be involved and then he wouldn't send me the contract to do that. So you hear that, Charles, I remember. The North rememberers. So I think what we're actually establishing is not that we should kill King Charles III, but that we should kill Charles Firth, the true oppressor of all of us. I mean, maybe King Charles later, but Charles Firth is certainly,

in terms of who's first against the war when the revolution comes? Yes. I think it's got to be Firth. It's in his name. It's in his name. We can't help it. Sammy, as always, an absolute pleasure. Hearing the solutions that just come flowing from your lips when you start talking.

I really appreciate what was probably an act of treason. And we were joking, weren't we? Listen, I particularly need to say this as still a relatively new Australian. Don't cancel Sammy's passport. This is all satire and comedy. And I'm not defaming anyone. And I love Australia. And I love saying the word girt every chance I could possibly get.

And yes. I think we're successfully backed out of that one. Australian federal police. Although that's said, we've never done a stunt for a royal visit. I don't think we've ever in all of our years have chosen a stunt. There's never been one for a royal visit. There's a reason why you are all still free to roam around. Because I think the crimes, the tolerance for stunts goes down a great deal when the royals are involved in Australia.

Well, there was a trip to Sydney, not that long ago. When someone shot at King Charles in Daling Harbour. I don't know if that's a stunt per se or more of an assassination attempt. It was more of a botched assassination attempt. Famously, John Fay kind of jumped the premier at the time and tried to save him. Which is pretty impressive stuff, like, for your reflexes to be like, yeah, save the king rather than yourself. I mean, objectively, the Premier of New South Wales is probably a more useful person to keep alive than the king. And that's saying something given your current Premier.

Yep, that's true. Anyway, Sammy, thank you very much for the Regicide. For canceling the Chaser Report of just so many successful years. It's a good way to go out. Very good way to go out. We'll catch you. Can we come on News Weekly then if this podcast gets canceled? Yeah, you might as well.

I'll be in jail. Someone else has to host it anyway. All right. Our gear is from Road. We're part of the Iconiclass Network until cancelled. Thank you, Sammy. It's been great sending the ship down with you. It's just worth clarifying further that the stuff about killing Charles was entirely serious.