The Chaser Report - How To Lose an Election in 60 Minutes

Episode Date: February 14, 2022

Everybody's favourite Prime Minister Jenny Scott Morrison was on 60 Minutes, so John brings you his blow-by-blow analysis of the entire puff piece. Meanwhile Dom takes a look overseas to find out how to disperse anti-vax protest crowds. Plus Charles' Valentine's dinner has put him in an ethical conundrum. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Tuesday the 15th of February. I'm Charles Firth and with me are Gabby and Dom. Hello. And did everyone have a great Valentine's Day last night? Yes, I had an amazing Valentine's Day yesterday because we did absolutely nothing. Yeah, me too. We did not recognise it in any way.

In previous years, we've gone through the whole ritual of going and having a restaurant and having to book something you couldn't find anywhere. I'll never buy a prison until it's too late. Yesterday, absolutely no bar at all. I just think it's brilliant. I want to do it for my wife's birthday and for Christmas. If there's nothing expected, then no one can be disappointed. Yeah, my boyfriend and I forgot. We both woke up, went see you later, and then got home and went, oh, it's fucking Valentine's Day. So then we naturally didn't do anything. Well, I am a genius because I booked a Valentine's Day dinner a few weeks. ago.

And how out of pocket are you now? Well, at the fanciest restaurant in my suburb, like it was on the point, harbour views, it was lovely, right? Get to the end of the night, you're right, bit of a big bill. Yep. Right? So I, you know, get out the credit card to pay for it. Oh, I see.

I did the whole thing with the thing and the machine and everything like that. Right. I think it's called paying, yeah. Yeah. It's not revolutionary, Charles. Right. And sort of the thing, I've got to give a tip. So did the whole, like, it was sort of 10%?

Oh, my God. $35. It's very expensive. Rivating evening, this sounds like. Get home, look at the F-POS receipt. Yeah. They didn't charge me for the dinner. I just paid the tip.

Just the tip. Wow. So I got a moral dilemma here. It's a true Valentine's Day miracle. It's literally living out the just-the-tip prophecy. It's like. So what do I do? Do I go back and say, best up?

No. It's a Valentine's Day gift. Like, okay, I'll give you an example. I want a pair of jeans, got the pair of jeans. Four days later, the exact same pair of jeans turns up. Do I report it? No. Why would I?

They sent me two pairs of jeans. The universe wants you to have two pairs of jeans. And look, Charles, as the homeowner in this conversation, we know that the undeserved economic benefits always are going to flow to you. Yes. You should use the 350 bucks whatever it was that you saved and just put it towards the purchase of your fourth home. But the thing is, the matri-D, who actually runs the whole place,

was going on about how terrible business has been under lockdown and how this is the first good. Like, it was the whole sob story. Okay, well, maybe if your morals are keeping you up at night for your expensive, I don't know what the fuck you ordered for $300,000, what, lobster dong? But, like, if you go back and admit, I've not paid, how do you know karma won't then benefit you again? It'll be one of those horrible things where it's like,

I'm here to pay and they go, thank you for your honesty. Here's $1,000. It just seems like one of those things that. It'll just keep building. It'll keep building. So I'm going to be a mitt then, yeah. You just, no, just nip it in the bud so I'm getting more of this good karma. You don't deserve any more good karma.

No, yeah. Just feels you with guilt. Create some bad juju for yourself. You ought to balance things out. On today's show, we take a look at the anti-vaxa protesters that are sweeping the globes. Plus, we're going to have to do a wrap up on that horrific 60 Minutes interview with Jenny Morrison. Oh, that was on. I was watching Survivor.

I know what you should do. You should pay the three or fifty bucks. person who we made watch the 60 Minutes interview. Let's go to Rebecca Dana Minow in the Chaser Newsroom. Grace Tame and Brittany Higgins have regretfully declared they were too busy to watch Scott Morrison's 60 Minutes puffpiece appearance on Sunday night. Meanwhile, Carl Stefanovic has come down with a terminal case of Pink Eye after conducting the interview with Morrison.

Hopeless romantic and sex. symbol, Peter Dutton, has returned the countless Valentine's Day card sent to his office this year to the disappointment of millions of fans across the globe. After being flooded with flowers, chocolates and erotic poetry, Dutton was forced to publicly announce he is still happily married to Mrs. Potato Head. Finally, an awkward moment today as a local man discovered nobody else in his work meeting was there to fuck spiders. Upon receiving a memo from his boss, notifying everyone that this was to be a productive day,

the man discreetly left the meeting before anyone could notice his eight-legged lingerie set. Those are the latest chaser headlines. Apologies for that last one, by the way, yeah. I'm Rebecca de Unamuno. So it's Tuesday. It's now 36 hours after 60 minutes had their exclusive, explosive tell-all interview.

with Scott Morrison and Jenny Morrison. That was on. I was watching Survivor. Yeah, on Sunday night. Oh, I was watching Survivor. So we've got John here. He was assigned the task of watching it on Sunday. I'm so sorry, John.

Did you indeed watch it live? I didn't watch it live. I've tweeted it, but I didn't watch it live. So what I didn't say was I got drunk during that time and then watched it once it was online. So this whole interview was about how Scott Morrison's career is basically over, but Jenny can save it. So I've got a clip of how,

the show was introed by Carl Stefanovic. And with just a short time before we vote on his future, not even the mythical Scotty from marketing would take on the job of trying to repair the PM's battered reputation. But not all is lost. Enter Jenny Morrison. Funny, relatable and likable. She's just about everything.

Her husband's critics say he isn't. I fucking hate this. Off the bat. First of all, why is he discussing Scott Morrison? Morrison like he's the fucking lock nest monster like yeah like oh the mystical beast the man in power but all is not lost his wife's here what the fuck at that point I realized despite the fact that I had been quite drunk that I wasn't drunk enough to watch this I was only like five drinks in at that point in like 20 minutes and then decided I needed to drink some more because

I was like expanding it to be bad like I watch all of Alan Jones's show for this podcast his YouTube show. But even then, this was just worse. Like, when I watched that part, I was worried, because I've seen a lot of rumcoms. And so my assumption was that this was setting up for an arc where Jenny's going to end up with Carl.

I think I'd love to see that. Because if you start like that, then there's only one way for that to go, and we already know what Scott Morrison's like. So, of course, it was curry night. Oh, really? The traditional curry and margaritas. And did Carl Stavinovick have a margaris?

Yeah, so Jenny made margaritas for Carl. They also, so they do talk about some of the real issues. Like, they talk about how Hawaii was all Jenny's fault. And Scott Morrison had nothing to do with it. Is there clips of this? Well, there was one very important scoop that Carl got about Scott Morrison. 16, I heard you had two weeks off there at some point. Can you reveal to the nation what that was about?

He broke up because he was keen on another girl. What? Yes. I wish she was dead. What? So that was the first big reveal from Carl. is that they broke up for two weeks. I wish I was dead.

I fucking hate this so much. Okay, because here's the thing. This country sucks on a fundamental so many levels, but like, misogyny in this country is also really bad, so you just know that this article came out and people use it as an excuse. Like, listen, critiques got on all of his policies,

all you want. But, like, to make it all about Jenny means that there were a bunch of fuckheads on the internet after this going, oh, Jenny, where's the pants in this place? It's just going to fucking enable all this. Oh, I hate it. So, like, Jim Mallow made the fantastic point on Twitter that if you're going to, like,

the whole point of the interview is to try to fix the issue that Scott Morrison has with female voters. But for some reason, they instead decided to just throw Jenny under the bus and blame all of Scott Morrison's problems on Jenny. And then at one point, Jenny says that she knows the work that goes into being prime minister and how to do it. They're just sort of trying to imply that Jenny currently is the prime minister throughout the entire piece.

So we've got our second female prime minister. Obviously, there was some more serious points. Jenny gave a very long talk about what her talk with Scott regarding what happened to Britney Higgins was about and then they also talked about Grace Tame and how Jenny is disappointed that Grace Tame wasn't polite.

For your daughters, if they look up to a Grace Tame, you know, one day for what Grace Tame can do in terms of the decision she makes about her own life? Is that something that you want your daughters to grow up to be like? I want my daughters to grow up to be fierce, strong, independent

and I think they can still do that and show kindness to other people and be polite. So that's the thing, is they want Grace Tame but a polite sort of subservient version of Grace Tame. They want one that's like, they want one that is a strong woman but not

if it means that it's going to come and like get away of men. I think Gabby's crying. Yeah, Gabby's fully looking like she's having it. I just don't give a fuck. I don't actually give a flying fuck about what Scott Morrison family are doing or what like my question is why sell this on the angle that we're going to find out about Scott Morrison and then he literally hides behind his own fucking family at this point

take some fucking accountability do the interview you fucking dickhead so but no but I suppose the question is will this work like he he does have a huge problem with 25 to 45 year old women and I'm sure that getting his wife to answer every question has fixed that problem so so John you've watched it drunk does this change European are you you're going to vote for Scott Morrison in the next election? I'm still not going to vote for Scott Morrison in the next election, but I'm still hoping to see what comes next between Jenny and Carl, because they have chemistry the entire time,

and he clearly thinks that she should be the next Prime Minister. I think we just found the void that Phil's Neighbors' spot. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. I don't want to shock you, Charles and Gabby, but something interesting has been happening in Kemp. Canberra. Oh, that would be a first. I know.

There's a huge convoy to Canberra. A whole lot of anti-vax protesters have gone to Canberra to try and get change. I mean, if they learn nothing from observing others, you don't go to Canberra to try and get change. Of course they haven't learned anything from observation. There are any faxes. Anyway. No, no, but I heard there was two million people there.

In Canberra? Yeah, two million anti-vac. Because I got some emails. I subscribed to one of their emails. lists, and they claimed that two million people had turned up. Oh, anti-vaxas. Well, of course they can't count or deal with data. So, yeah, that makes that sense.

But look, this whole thing has actually started from Ottawa, where truckers have shut the border between Canada and the United States, which I suppose is really hurting the maple syrup industry or something, but it's quite huge. Like the notion that you can actually just park trucks and just close a part of a country off from another part. Yeah. It's pretty full on. This is a huge protest.

And so, of course, being the Canberra version, it's quite a lot pissier than the national version. But what they did first was they went to camp near the library. And can you imagine how excited the library staff would have been at the notion of a crowd of people turning up to the National Library? They would have loved it. Yeah, they were like, oh, my God, a customer. Yeah, if everyone can just be a little bit quiet. So that didn't work. So the police moved them on from the National Library.

And they went to a place called Epic. Have you guys heard of epic? No. I was very intrigued. I thought, wow, is this some sort of extreme sports venue or something? Yeah. No, it's just a boring exhibition centre. Oh.

So they've gone there and huge numbers that people can't get rid of them. And they've been using the language of sensible people. So they've been talking about their mental health and how the vaccine mandates affect them and it's awful. And in the course of doing this, they managed to shut down the book fair that raises money for lifeline. So actual mental health got. massively affected. Yeah, they raise heaps of money. It's their one big day of the year and they

couldn't have it on the weekend because of the anti-vaxxers. So well done. Good job. So, I mean, the Prime Minister is Scott Morris and this is a moment for national leadership. There's a crisis in the capital. Oh, for fucks. What do you reckon he does? I reckon he fucked off. I'm not even going to pretend to joke about what he did. He probably fucked off, didn't he? Am I right? No, he came out and he said, I understand you. What? It's a free country. What? And then his go-to line throughout the whole of the pandemic, it's the state's fault. Don't blame me.

I'll quote him. Where in that conversation did he say, you're lucky I didn't shoot you? He didn't because they weren't women. They were mostly angry men. Oh, okay. So what he was actually saying was, thanks for coming to Canberra,

but you're actually in the wrong place. Yes. He was trying to get them to go to the state. So rather than actually getting them to disperse or trying to change their mind, he just said, can you do this giant protest like in the state capitals instead? It's not my fault. So the question becomes, there are these huge crowds, whether or not you agree with them. It's the tactics of the problem.

It's shutting down cities and shutting down lifeline book fares, for heaven's sake. Yeah, fuck. I draw the line. How do we disperse these people? And I want to go to New Zealand on this because the speaker of, there's another one in Wellington. Of course, of course there is. All the world's most boring cities have those things. And the speaker of the New Zealand parliament, Trevor Mallard, has been experimenting with ways to get them to disperse.

And at first, he tried to sort of ask them and so on and have all these minutes. What he started doing is blasting out songs through high-powered speakers together with pro-vaccine advertising. You know what's crazy. I know this will work because nothing made me want to leave my house more than my neighbour blasting music all last year. Well, that's true. So I've got some of the songs that he's played here. Oh, yeah. And I want you to rate the effectiveness of these songs.

I love this game. Let me know if you think these will work. All right. Let's try number one. See, I feel like either they're going to disperse or do an amazing mess dance. Yeah. So, yeah, that was big in the mid-1990s. I can tell you exactly when it was big, actually.

Fun fact, no, the month I was born, that was the number one song. It was 1996 August. So that just brings back good memories. Yeah, I'd stay. I remember picking up to that song. That's upsetting. That's really upsetting. So that one doesn't work.

Let's check out number two. You're beautiful. Your beautiful. Your beautiful is true. What I love about this. Look, I'm sorry, but like, I like that song. I know I'm not supposed to like that song. I fucking love that song.

I fucking love that song. That's a great song. This is not working dumb. I hate that song. So far, you've picked my two favorite songs. What I love about that song, right, is it the reason why that is on the list is because on Twitter, James Blunt volunteered.

He said, oh, if you're playing terrible songs, make sure you play mine. What a king. But no, it wouldn't work. You'd catch me standing there. Hill song style. I'd be like hand in the air. I think this is increasing.

We're none from two. All right. Let's try the next one. Baby shark To do do do do do baby Baby shake To do do do baby shake How could you possibly like this?

All right I've got good memories of that song No you've lost me Because my kids used to love that song And we used to dance when they were young You couldn't possibly have liked that song For like the two solid years That it was on high rotation

I think that's torture I am yeah you know you'd get rid of me with that one I can't stand Baby Shark I'm literally googling flights to Auckland as we speak sounds like the greatest concert I'm very pleased to say that and this genuinely was played outside the New Zealand Parliament the next song is one that's very dear to chase a fan

La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La This is a viral song from the mid-2000s, and we love it because the singer Edward Kill looks ridiculously like Craig. I'm so glad to hear Craig's doing well, honestly. Forget we're on waste. The troll-a-low song was the highlight of his career. And then I think I challenge,

even someone with the taste of Charles, I reckon you would be leaving the Parliament with this final one. This is the ultimate song. All right. Because not only is it a terrible song, It is a terrible song performed on a recorder. Get out. I already know what this is.

This is hilarious. I was watching Titanic with my son on the weekend. Oh. See, I'm familiar with this. Did they honestly play this? They did. There's a Spotify playlist, actually, all the songs people recommend.

This is my favorite bit. This is all over TikTok. So... So... Ha! It's just the fact that it's a little bit sharp. It kills me. And so, in response to this,

opposition politicians in New Zealand have criticised the speaker for this tactic and said, it's like he thinks he's McCauley Culkin and home alone and a few silly pranks will scare the trespasses of way, what's next placing buckets of water on doors left a jar? That's a guy called David Seymour. I say, bring it. Yes.

If Home Alone breaks to what we need to get rid of these. There's a giant water spout in the middle of Lake Perley Griffin. Turn it on the protesters. I love it. To this, I want an album of these. Can you imagine the Home Alone theme? There actually is the Home Alone theme with the shitty recorder. It probably is.

And look, if the anti-vaxes can withstand this, I reckon let them have camera. Our gears from road microphones are part of the. cast creator network. And the shit recorder was by Matt Mulholland. Check him out on YouTube. He's very funny. See ya. Bye!