The Chaser Report - How to Speak Paulinese

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

Charles' son has become famous for a revolutionary and bloodthirsty new tactic to win a video game. Meanwhile John has a story about the dill pickle's lil pickle that stopped the nation. Plus Aleksa gives Gabbi and Charles a refresher course on how to understand Pauline Hanson. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Hello and welcome to another week of the Chase Report. It is Monday the 21st of February. I'm Charles Firth and with me today are Gabby Bolt and Alexa Fulovich. Hello. I feel like you got that around the wrong way. No, I'm Alexa Bullovich. I'm a massive dickhead.

So guess what I have been doing for my entire weekend? Taxes. That sounds like something. You'd do for a whole weekend? Crying? Yeah, crying. That's a good one. A little bit of crying. No, no, the main thing is I have been playing Roblox with my 11-year-old. I kind of wish you had said taxes or crazy.

Is Roblox? That's not like a Lego. It's like the next, it's Facebook, but for the 10-year-olds. They really are. Oh, it's on the computer. They're capitalizing everything, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like, it's a game platform.

I think it's like worth $100 billion trillion dollars or something. It recently got sold to, I don't. I don't know, somewhere. It's amazing in our area. But the point is, no, like, it is literally, and the whole point about it is, it's a little bit like modern Lego in that you can build your own game. So it just provides the building blocks of computer games.

That's awesome. And then creators come along and build these very eclectic games. And the game that my son is currently into is the sinking ship simulator game. Great. And it's a really detailed game. You can go through and you can select all the sort of big cruise liner ships that have sunk over the years. This is what they meant by Never Forget, isn't it? Like, they're like, don't forget the victims.

And now they're going to be memorialised forever on replay in a loop. But the whole point is that my son is a genius at this game. Right. So he was playing. Are you meant to try to stop the boat from sinking? Well, he's a genius at making it sink faster. No, well, this is the whole thing. The gameplay is actually quite evil, right?

because the whole, so we're playing Titanic last night. Great. And the whole point is, you know, you're supposed to, like, survive, obviously. That's your first thing. And then you get awarded points for sort of saving other people. And, you know, you're divided into first class passengers, second class passengers or third class. They still make you do the class thing. And the odd one is you don't want to save somebody not in your class because you're not your team.

Because they're filthy, disgusting. At least it's historically accurate, and that's pretty interesting. Yeah, that's true. Anyway, my son has a completely different strategy to everyone else, because everyone else goes around, gets in life rafts and then tries to save everyone and then it eventually sinks. Yeah, right. It's quite fun.

My son just hops on a life raft and then goes as far away from the ship as possible and just waits and watches the world burn on his safe life raft on his own. What a well-adjusted individual. Yeah, and he keeps winning. Like, he won the whole game. He's, like, the top champion of the world at this game. What? Because he said, no, because he said, the problem with saving people is that you're then too close to the boat.

And as it sinks, it draws everyone else under, and you all die. And so he's now semi-famous in the world of Roblox. Does he get him by himself and just fucks off? He just gets him by himself, fucks off. Because otherwise, you run out of life rafts, then you're really stuck. And it is fucking hilarious. Because if you, if you're too close to the sinking ship when it sinks, you then get chucked out of your life raft and then you're struggling in the water.

Yeah, nice. And, you know, technically you should go over and then save those people. Oh, these are real people. Well, these are little characters. Well, they're not actually dying. It's a computer game, Alex. No, but are there other people competing with you on the boat? Yeah, yeah, there's tons of people.

Like, you're all on this, you know, sinking ship. How do we know somebody's not running around the bottom of the ship, just pushing out holes, you know, making it sink faster. But the problem with going and rescuing people who are struggling in the water is you don't know which class they're in. You might pick up a third class passenger and lose points. They don't like look like filthy if they're third class or? You can't tell.

You can't tell until they get in your boat and then you go, ah, no. You can always tell. Saved an enemy. Coming up on the show, we are talking about a very rude mascot in the USA and a very rude politician in Australia, well, actually just same segment, same segment, yeah. And I think that's it, then we'll go home.

Yep, okay. Fuck it, it's Monday. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Day and we know in the Chessy Newsroom. Handyman Scott Morrison has passed his cert three in safety and hazard perception this weekend proving he is well versed in

working with tools. Naturally, Scott celebrated this momentous achievement by getting absolutely blind Anthony Albanese has fought back at claims he's colluding with the Chinese government by turning up to Parliament wearing a Winnie the Pooh costume. The leader of the opposition asserted his undying loyalty to the West by making his first election promise to not in-state a one-child policy. Finally, in his latest election bid, Prime Minister of Salem, Scott Morrison,

has accused everyone in Parliament of practising witchcraft. Morrison has since ordered anyone to be burnt at the stake if they are caught speaking foreign incantations, wearing the colour red, or making historical allegories. That's the latest headlines from the Chaser Newsroom. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno, and I know what McCarthyism is. So John has dropped by, and John, you've been looking into minor league baseball? Yeah, I've been really interested in the last month or so

in a team called the Pittsburgh Pickles. Nice. Nice. Yeah, my ears are pricked up. That's amazing name. And minor league doesn't mean that they're, it's like little kids. Like a choice. No, it's like the division below the pros.

Major league, right, yeah. Yeah, so I've been really looking into their stuff. I have no idea of anything about baseball, but I'm really interested in their mascot Dylan T. Pickle. Love it. Dill Pickle. Oh, that's awesome. It's so good.

It's a clever pun, and because it's the off season, all the teams have been doing these mascot takeovers on social media where their mascot just posts like selfies and stuff of that on their social accounts. That is so cruel. I've been a mascot before and it's like so hot and horrible in this suit. Hang on. Would you've been a mascot before? You're a mascot?

Yeah. I was the St. George Dragon. I've been the Bank of Melbourne. What? Like not for any sports for corporations. I think I kicked you once. Yeah, everyone does. But I'm saying like the fucked up thing is getting them to take over social media because

you can't do anything in those suits. And I can't imagine typing onto a phone with those big furry hands. it's like proper exploitation. I can't believe Alexa was a mascot. Alexa, since you're a mascot, what would you do if you had to take photos for social media, pretending to be like a social media brand? Do you get them to take it at like the angle that looks like you're taking it?

Oh, yeah, well, I'd have to do that. And you always have a minder with you, so they're good for taking photos. But I'd probably depend on the character. What do this person do? So they uploaded a fake dick pick where they took a photo of their crotch and had a furry green peanut.

wait someone had to make that penis well yeah it's not it wasn't a penis it just looked like a penis what his finger like the thumb of the character was in the where that would have been oh so that's what i sometimes do so the excuse so once corporate got involved because it went viral very big penis well you don't know what my real one looks like this is a big improvement yeah that at least his thumb isn't broken so obviously people like started liking the tweet and then because they started gaining traction caught the people the owners of the team found out and got upset and then he publicly then the mascot made a statement saying that it was actually just a thumbs up that was poorly cropped which didn't work when people looked at the people

at the tag who was tagged in the tweet because they had tagged a bunch of companies that sold nuts and sold products for penises products for penises so like manscape so like manscape and stuff And so also the caption was New Phone Who Diers. I've got to tell you, I've just brought up a photo of the Pittsburgh Pickle, and he looks like the kind of dude that would send a dick pick. No, but he also just looks like a giant penis. Like, that's what pickles look like. There was no need to do a penis on a penis.

Can I just raise right now, actually? We talk about penis is far too much on this fucking show. Oh my God. It's the minor league's fun. What's the fuck up. It's relatable to three to three. quarters of the podcast are talking about penis as go-y. Yeah.

Okay, well, that sounds very weird. I don't know quite what to make of that. Did they take the pickle out of Pittsburgh? I have to correct the location. It's not a Pittsburgh pickle. It's a Portland pickle. Oh, Portland pickle, sorry. That's all right. It changes everything. It's completely

opposite side of the country. Well, I don't know. I'm sorry for... That makes total sense now. Of course the Portland people is sending dickpick. I know. I've paid attention to geography to me all these places. Also, why would I know where cities in America are? No, no, it's okay. No, I wasn't, I wasn't fact-checking you.

I just really wanted to see the dick pick from the pickle. And then I just, I kept looking up Pittsburgh pickle and nothing was coming up. And then all of a sudden I saw Portland pickle. And I went, oh, I've been searching the wrong thing. Anyway, Portland Pickle. So is the point that the Jason needs to get a mascot? No, no, no. Construct some sort of elaborate controversy?

Absolutely not. Okay, no mascot. No, just do it. What? No mascot, just dickpips. Right? Please no. Please no.

God, I'm begging you. I've got a green, hairy one here. The Chaser Report. Less news. Less often. So, Alex, sir, you've been looking into the wildlife of Pauline Hanson. Yeah, yeah, her life is wild. Well, no, it's just racist.

I've been looking into that. What's happening with her? I haven't really heard much about it. Well, that's the thing. She's, like, become quite irrelevant. The more more racist really becomes, she's just quite boring. She's not irrelevant. She's not relevant.

She's just taking the Adele approach to politics, where she'll drop, like, a really big hit and then go silent for five years and then drop another one. Remember when she dressed him up in that burker and walked into Parliament? Amazing work. That's like her Adele 21, you know. But yeah, it's been like nothing since then, really. And she's come back. And, I mean, it's hard to claim this the thing.

It's just an incredibly weird and stupid thing to say. But she shows up on TV out of nowhere and starts talking about the Labor Party's relationship with China. And here, the Labor Party is siding up to them saying, we've got to have closer defence ties with them, trading with them. And it was the Labor's white paper that I read years ago. They were telling people, we want to open up the borders. None of this, you know, visas getting in the country, just open up the borders. So people from Asia can come down and travel here freely.

And they said, get out there and learn how to speak. Asian. I don't trust the Labor Party. Oh, boy. So, Ed, do you know Asian? Do you speak Asian, Alexa? Well, look, the Labor Party only told me to learn how to speak it last week. So I haven't had much time. You're on duolingo. Yeah. And you're doing Asian. Yeah. It's tricky. It's a big task with a lot of languages. So many languages in Asia, yeah. But I respect that's a great part of Labor's education policy, every Australian must learn 200 languages. Oh, I should be more than that, wouldn't it?

Like, like, regional dialects. But it got me thinking, like, the whole sentence was quite laboured. Like, she obviously struggles with European. Yes, European. She should learn more European. So maybe someone's getting to her. Like, maybe someone's trying to get her to learn another language, because I can't really tell what she's saying some of the time.

Maybe if we can gauge, like, what continent, some of these phrases that she's set from. Maybe we'll know who's funding her. Can I go to leave my topic of conversation days about squat toilets? You're saying what? Yes.

What do you reckon she's saying? See, I can speak idiot. Yeah. I heard that one. Gabby's from Bathurst, yeah. They're never going to give us that free trip if you keep racking on Bathurst. Are we just being classes?

This whole thing is going to be like... Hey, I'm from there. I speak Bogan. But she's talking about squat toilets, isn't she? I heard that word, but like, what was the ten words before? Oh, hold on, play it again. Play it again, DJ. Can I leave my topic of conversation days about squat toilets?

You're saying what? Yes. If I can leave my topic of conversation. For days. For today? For days. Squat toilets. Squat toilets.

I'm talking, what? Yes. Which language you say? Yeah, what. I'd say Antarctica? Alaska? No, no. I think she's saying Australia is terrible because it doesn't have.

have squat toys. It's a pretty global phenomenon. Yeah, maybe we're just terrible in the Western world. We're just too lazy. We need to sit every option. I simply must relax. I can't do under these conditions. Give me a throne.

Next one. Look, initially, I had the offer of pro bono law because it's so big. Oh, right. Yeah, well, they're to obvious what you're doing about it. Yeah, look, initially I had the option of pro bono lawyer. Because it's so big. Because it's so big. Oh, like the case was so big.

Okay, that's fair. Yeah. She does sound kind of like she had like a space bar put in between the words pro bono. I think it's not, yeah, she might just have like a really shit or cruel person working the teleprompter. Yeah. I think that sounds to me like southern United States. Yeah. Like I think that's, because they have lots of lawsuits, you know, like Texas and, and it was sort of the twang.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what she's speaking. American. American. Okay, next one. Not English. I love my VB and I like it cold in a cup of tea.

I can't see that way. It'd be better. No, I know this one. In a cup of tea. I like my VB and I like it cold. Oh, I've forgotten the next part of the sentence. I think she says... In a cup of tea.

In a cup of tea. That wouldn't be Irish, would it? That would be Australian. No, no, but like having alcohol in your tea is Irish. But putting VB in tea is a fucking crime. Is it in tea? Wait, I want to... Here it again, here it again, here it's.

Do it betters every day. Go on. I love my BB and I like it cold in a cup of tea. No, I can't see that way. Beer better. I like it cold in a cup of... It's like she forgot to put the full stop there. So it's like, I like my BB and I like a cold full stop.

In a cup of tea, no, I can't see it that way. It has to be cold. No, but she said beer better. Yeah. Yeah, no, yeah, I think she's saying, and a cup of tea. I think in means and. And a cup of tea, no, beer better. Beer is better.

She's just leaving out verbs and punctuation. Yeah, the most important ones, though, I will say. So she's still speaking Australian? Oh, yeah, no, that's definitely Australian. Yeah, yeah, that one is. It's Queensland. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, it's not Queensland.

I know. Because in Queensland, she'd say four X. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's take it word for word, what I said is that the deplorable anti-rise of racism, you know, racism towards the white society, plus also about protecting the Western civilisation, and it's okay to be white. I think she's just said...

Serbalisation, she's after Alexa. She's just had lots of VB in a teacup. The anti-rifice of racism. So wait a minute, is she pro or anti-racism? Well, it's the anti-rise of racism, and she's... So it's a double negative. The anti-rides, so the decline of racism. Yeah, and she's against that.

Right. She wants racism to keep on getting an honest. Yeah, get enough. And then what was the thing about the white? The deplorable anti-rise of racism and it's okay to be wine. Oh, go again. Here again. Can we just hear it.

Take it word for word what they are. I love that she says take it word for word. Okay, hold on. Start again. Take it word for word what they are out. What I said is that the deplorable anti-rise of racism, you know, racism towards the whites. The whites.

The whites. Plus also about protecting the Western civilization. I think she's actually talking about her laundry. I think this is nothing to do with, right? This is about protecting your whites because you want to be look well-dressed if you're part of civilization. I don't think I've ever seen anyone in this office wear white. I wish I listened to this previously because I did not protect my whites last week. Do you know you can get stains from detergent?

If you overload your machine. Oh, you told me this story last week. It's fucked. My whites have like blue stains on them. I just think you used. From the detergent. If you fill your washing machine too. then the detergent can't shoot through all the laundry and it gets like caught in little bits

I wish I could say that I hadn't already heard this story but it's true maybe you should not put all like overload your washing machine well I mean this is yeah if I listened to Pauline earlier maybe I would have been able to check my wines yes our grera is from rod microphones and we're part of the a crust grader network catch you tomorrow you're catch tomorrow Ha ha ha ha.