The Chaser Report - I Don't Hold A Climate, Mate

Episode Date: November 11, 2021

Zander brings the highly anticipated update to his Sydney Film Festival odyssey and lets everyone know the perils and pleasures of his journey so far. Meanwhile Dom has news of an unlikely climate-saving partnership between China and America that leaves Australia all alone, and Charles plays another round of Fiction or Furphy. Plus the team tries their best to make it through your reviews without crying. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by a motherly love. Lachlan, why aren't you being a doctor? Your dad's a proud engineer. You need to continue the family line and you're out here telling jokes about P-Nus. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Friday the 12th of November, 2021, Dom Knight, Gabby Bolt and Charles Firth on the day after some massive news at Glasgow.

Something actually happened. What? At the climate conference. Hell yeah. What happened? There was a deal between the US and China, even though they've been sniping at each other for months, their climate negotiators actually came up with a plan to genuinely do something.

Wow. To address the existential threat of carbon. Hang on, is this some sort of satirical, sort of sarcastic bit that you're doing, dog? It should be, but it's not. They've both realised. Look, if you live in China where the air is just regularly clouded with smog, you might actually realise that this is a serious thing. So supposedly they're actually going to put their economic muscle

behind rapid decarbonisation, developing new technologies and all this shit. Okay, so what's the catch? What is the catch? Well, the catch is Australia tried very hard before this. So this came out yesterday morning and absolutely blindsided Scott Morrison. Because until that point, the Australian team had been doing everything they could to water down, the Declaration. So they were kind of going,

oh, let's not go that far, or maybe don't commit to that much. And then just from out of nowhere, the world's two most powerful countries which is like, actually, we're fucking doing this. We're in lockstep. Wow.

And Scott Morrison was left having just made a speech where he said, you know, you don't really need to have governments do anything because capitalism's going to solve it. Oh, capitalism. Oh, that'll...

That's all chestnuts. It's done so well so far on the whole climate change thing. Whereas, in fact, it's probably the communism of China that's going to solve it. And so he argued technology would fix it so he didn't have to. Capitalism would fix it. And now he's just going to say, well, China and America are fixing it. We don't have to do anything.

It's all sorted. I'm amazed every day that that man's married. He has such a problem making a commitment to literally anything. I genuinely, I wonder how that proposal went. I wonder if Scott was like, oh, Jen, oh, look, we don't have to get married. You used to imagine when Jenny says, look, we've got some issues to talk about. Scott, you're never here. I'm doing all the parenting.

He's just like, don't worry. capitalism will fix it. Technology will come in. I don't hold a nappy, mate. I thought Scott Morrison was trying to water down the final declaration. Does this mean that Australia is now pitted against not just China anymore, but also China and America? Good place to be. Is that, like, who are our allies left?

France, didn't you? Definitely not France. I'm pretty sure that who else in the world? Saudi Arabia, very keen to halt progress towards. decarbonisation. Kazakhstan, I know. I think Indonesia, pretty keen to keep burning coal. Yep.

Yep. Okay. So basically they've committed to capping global temperature rises to 1.5. They've actually said, we're going to do this. I mean, this is great. Don't they understand that they can just say, oh, it's the American way or the Chinese way, and they don't have to do anything? Yes, that's what they should have done.

Leave it to technology. Yes. Sounds like they're actually going to plan to develop the technology that does this. Hang on a sec. Is Scott Morrison right? I mean... What? What?

China and America are just going to develop the technology that solves this. Yes. Oh, because God forbid we innovate, right? Like, God forbid we fund science and we fund technology use in this country. That's the way it's always been. Because it's right. It is true. Because if you drop all your clothes on the ground, Jenny picks it up.

And you don't have to do anything about it. I don't hold a dirty laundry basket, mate. On today's show, we'll update you on Zander's mission to see a gazillion film. at the film festival, and I think he's now organizing the after party or something. He also hasn't slept in two weeks. Plus, we've got another round of fiction or fur feet. It's all coming up after we check in with Rebecca Deunamuno in the Chaser Newsroom. What's better than a well-marbled ribby sizzling on the barbecue?

A well-marbled ribby sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully selected by an Instacart shopper and delivered to your door. A well-marbled ribai you ordered without even leaving the kitty pool. Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over-deliver. Scott Morrison has announced plans for a $500 million investment into climate action through carbon thoughts and prayers technology.

This comes just days after the PM's announcement of a $500 million investment into carbon capture technology, which experts say is an equally worthwhile investment. Scott Morrison has accused Anthony Albanese of being a stooge for China. The Prime Minister has said that if he wanted to be a stooge for a corrupt, warmongering, meddling foreign superpower, he should just stick with the US. The group behind the Pet Picks for Plants campaign have apologised. for the unexpected success of their social media campaign.

The sheer amount of trees planted in the last seven days has caused a worldwide ecological collapse as roots tear through buildings and condemn humanity to its leafy doom. That's the latest headlines from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno, and I, for one, welcome our topiary overlords. Today's episode, The Chaser Report, is brought to you by Motherly Love. Wait!

Come back. I don't know how it can go on. What about Team Zander has a very ambitious program to go to 36 movies at the Sydney Film Festival. Yesterday we had a chat with Nishin Midley, the director of the film festival, and then it also took on the task of organising, what was it, the closing night parties ever?

Yeah, the after party, I think now. It's a big 12-day storm. Are you just going to do like more movie screening so you can get to 40? Is that going to be the party? Well, it's kind of hard, right? Because I'm reaching the point now that I'm calling breaking point. Like, if it's a decision between a 9 a.m. sleep in

and a movie that's rated 30% on Rotten Tomatoes, I'm leaning hard towards the sleep in, you know? You're looking haggard, Sandra? And you're a young man, so it takes a lot for a 20-year-old to look haggard, I'm thinking. I'm like 20-something movies in now. It's deep. It's deep in the challenge. And Zanda, it's four movies a day.

Like, it's not that hard. You just have to sit down. Yeah, but it's not like four exciting Zinger movies a day. You can't do June every single day. It's like a June one every three days. And then long, slow, art-hout pieces about how your grandmas died constantly. What did you expect from a film festival? It's not all going to be soft porn.

I mean, a lot of it's going to be soft porn. But it's not all going to be. It started off so well in the first few days. We'd people fucking cars. We had mermaids. Hang on, wait. Wait, hold on a second. Wait a second.

Multiple people fucking cars. No, just the one person fucking and getting pregnant. Was it a French movie? Yeah, it was. I have a question about where. Physically. Yeah. How do you fuck a car?

The gear stick. The gear stick. Oh, not the tailpipe. Okay. No. It's a woman. It was a woman. Yeah, she got impregnated by the car.

No, it's a very moving metaphor for abuse and the cars are representative of men that she treats and discards and mechanically. has. It's a great film. But what brand of car was it? Does that matter? No. A whole lot of cars. A hot rod and a fire truck. Like just... Because you couldn't do it with an electric vehicle because they don't have a gear stick.

Somehow I feel like men shouldn't be discussing this film. Yeah, it feels like there's a really serious point to this that we're completely missing. And Charles over here like, what gear stick is it? Fantastic film. I recommend anyone see it. 13 people fainted during the screening. Amazing. Incredible. But, you know...

Were you this? There for the one with 13 people. Yeah. Oh, was that because of you? Because you were very smelly the other day when you came in. You didn't watch it between movies. You've been running between movies. Oh, yeah.

I've done so many laps across the city. I've had to get from Cremorne to Randwick in like 25 minutes. It's just a trek. Tell you what, if you were getting it on with a car, probably help. Get there faster. What was the best film you've seen? What's been in the highlight? June was really good last night.

Tartain was incredible. Um, so wait a minute. June with the giant worms. Everything's a phallic symbol at this festival. Yeah. And can you actually see June? Because there's lots of versions of June on, on iTunes and... The new one was out, isn't it?

New one is it out yet in cinemas? It comes out in cinemas next month, December. Right, okay. Because I think I accidentally bought some rip-off of June called June something else. June-A. No, you probably either bought David Lynch's June, which came out in the 80s, it was shit. or you bought the documentary called Jaradowski's June.

We're literally down a wormhole at this point. Anyway, out of the sand wormhole, Detain was good. A Fire Inside, who we're talking to the director of that in a few days, was fantastic. King Richard, which was about the Williams' sister's father, was really good. And then the worst person in the world, which is this Danish comedy, is incredibly funny, and I would recommend it to everyone. It's very good.

What's the strangest thing you've seen on the screen besides Carsex? I just want to get a sense of the weird, That's why it's the best bit. Um, you know, car sex is definitely up there. There was a few, there was this film called Zola, which was about a stripper going on a road trip, which was really weird. Oh, that's a film based on a tweet stream. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like 15 different tweets. And that was definitely experience. Um, kind of a more fun film was Blind Ambition, which was about the first, I think, Zimbabwe wine tasting team. I want to make a film about the Ozpole Twitter stream. I think I would rather actually have sex with a car than watch that film, Charles. but I met a whole slew of fascinating people right there was the lady the other day who was very proudly showing everyone

the fact she'd snuck wine into the state theater in her coffee cup can relate pro tip yeah myself I've snuck in grilled and Oporto into the state theater and I also met these Tom Cruise super fancy no way were they jumping on the chair no they were they were standing outside the state theater they were very formally dressed in suits and they were offering free personality test, right? And they came up to me, they were like, would you like a free, free personality test? And I saw their name page.

And I was like, oh my God, are you guys the Tom Cruise people? And they were like, yes, we are the Tom Cruise people. And I thought, fantastic, what is your favorite Tom Cruise film? And they're like, there's a lot of Tom Cruise films. And I was like, you can't be in the Tom Cruise group without having a favorite Tom Cruise movie, right? I suppose that's true. And she goes, oh, well, I only know the Chinese names for them.

I was like, describe it. I've seen a lot of Tom Cruise movies. And she goes, oh, Mission Impossible 7. The seventh one. It's a good film. But I was a bit sad that her favourite Tom Cruise movie one was a most recent one and not a deep dive like Magnolia or a few good men. Poor Zander. He's watched so many movies that he can't tell Scientology personality test faithful.

So, Zanda, you've been set the task of running the after party on the last night of the film festival by the director of the film festival. Yeah. Where are you planning to hold it? The big problem is, I've been looking at venues. The problem is Sydney closes at like 9 o'clock on a Sunday night. So I'm contacting bars, but at the moment we may just be stuck with the Maccas. You know what? You know where never closes?

This office. This office, yes. Tell them it's like an indie bar and by indie bar, there's one bar fridge and you just stock it with like whatever fucking free beer we get from a sponsor from Loughlin at some point. Either that. And tell them to come here. Or just go to Parramatta Road, break into a car yard. And everyone can have their own fun. Oh, I.

A forgy. Oh, come on. When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most, when your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard. When the barbecues lit, but there's nothing to grill, when the in-laws decide that actually they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer. So download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes.

Plus, enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees exclusions and terms apply. Instacart. Groceries that over-deliver. Fiction or Furfi. This is a segment where Charles tells a story and our panel of Gabby and Alex this time have to tell us whether it's fiction,

completely made up, or a furfie, which is fundamentally true, but a bit exaggerated. Are we ready? Sure. Oh yeah, 100%. Charles crack one, tell one. Okay, so this one was during the period where I was actually writing a book called American Hoax. And a friend of mine rang me and said, look, there's this CIA guy in town. He needs a bit of entertaining. Can you take him out or something like that?

You know about America. He knows about America. You know, like he's in town for a day. We need to give him something to do, right? And so I actually took him to the Golden Century Chinese restaurant, which actually just closed the other day because of the pandemic. But it's a very famous Chinese restaurant in Chinatown in Sydney. And I'll tell you what, the guy knew how to talk. Like literally, we arrived there at about 1pm. Literally 10pm, 11 p.m.

We're still there. Like, we do a 12-hour lunch. It was just unbelievable. It went late into line. I actually got my wife. I rang my wife at about about. about 6 p.m. and said, you've got to get down here. This guy is amazing. It just had yarn after yarn after yad. And not just sort of like all the stuff he'd done as a green beret and blah, blah, blah.

But it was also things like, oh yeah, and then I helped out on this Hollywood movie set. You know, like confirming all the things that we think are true about the CIA's involvement in Hollywood. It was just an amazing night, right? And then got to the end of the night. And he goes, look, I understand, you know, you're writing a book about America. I've got this What of documents that I'm trying to leak about how actually, you know, the military industrial complex are pretending to, they're buying old oil rigs, putting them up near Papua New Guinea. And then it's like a pump and dump scheme. They sell to investors the idea that they're drilling oil in Papua New Guinea.

And it's not true. And it's a complete fraud. Do you want these documents? This is a scoop. This could make your career. And I went, oh, yeah, that'd be great. And he said, but the thing is, I leave at 9 a.m. the next morning. you've got to give them back to me

so you get them photocopied and get them back to me by my name at my hotel right so I take them go home I go okay I'll wake up early and photocopy them and get them back to him and I just sleep I just sleep like it's a huge night I slept in I go to the hotel

like several hours late he's gone I have no idea how to contact him ever again so I had this document that was all secret and classified that I was not allowed to have I didn't know what to do with it. I sat on it for years, right?

And then years later, I see in this very prestigious magazine called Harper's Magazine, the write-up of that story. Like, it was true. It was all true. And I missed the scoop of my life. Hmm, Charles as potentially massive international groundbreaking scoop-getting journalist. I'm not sure myself. What do we think?

Fiction or Furfi. Who wants to go first? Let's go to Gabby. Fiction. I don't know why. I think the idea of a 12-hour lunch already lost me. That was the implausible part. Everything else seemed fairly plausible.

Yeah. It's not the 80s. It's very delicious food at the Golden Century. That's true. It's great advertising for a different company. Everybody from the Golden Century wants to sponsor us. Alexa, what do you think? I've got multiple issues with this story.

I'm sorry, this cannot be true. First off, I mean, I was kind of just worried that Charles misunderstood a bit of innuendo. like I'm sure a CIA agent can take care of himself in America but no he needs Charles to look after him all day I feel like Charles just didn't really understand what his purpose there was another thing I mean I what was your book called American hoax American hoax here

yeah yeah see I just I think that's too dumb of a name for even Charles to use you know like it sounds like a derivative like Michael Moore knockoff or if it is true I'm very sorry but like it's not you fuck you know that's true you know that's heaps of of unsold copies lying around the office. Damn, Alex Arena, bitch. The last bit was that

someone else got the scoop. I just don't know how dumb this CIA agent is. He gives it to you. You don't give it back. He's lost these documents. He's like, you know, I'm just going to give it to another journalist. Like, what could go wrong? So you both say fiction, Charles. The answer is... It was a furphy. It was basically true.

The only thing is I did eventually manage to find an address for him in LA. And I express post it back to him. him like a few weeks later so I didn't actually hold on to the documents forever. I thought I copied them first, but American hoax. I thought it was American jokes. American hoax is a great name. That's awesome. Yeah, good save. That's saved you.

Charles wins again. It's Spain fiction or fervy, furphy, unbelievable. When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most when your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard. When the barbecues lit, but there's nothing to grill, when the in-laws decide that actually they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer. So download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus, enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders.

Service fees exclusions and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over-deliver. This episode of The Chaser Report brought to you by Motherly La. Oh, my mom's calling me. Hello. Hi, Gabby, I'm just ringing to say how proud I am of you. I love you to the moon and back. What you're doing with comedy is so wonderful.

I'm really, really, really, really proud of you. Oh, and by the way, you're back in the will. Oh, goody. Before we go, it's time to check in with the reviews. No. Oh, what? No, no. Don't want to check in with the reviews.

What? What, you asked for this. No, I didn't. You said, be mean, but give it five stars. Well, that was before Charles said be mean to do. Oh. I like this one from Quinnoth. It's five stars, and it's titled Some Bad Guess.

This podcast is generally good. It's nice. Good review. But sometimes they have guests on, like Craig Roocastle, who is genuinely funny, and it breaks the general tone of the podcast. Charles Firth is, however, rapidly improving. See? And now nearly knows the name of their equipment provider and publisher.

Five stars. So that's nice. That's a good one. What about this one? Absolute Trash from Katie E. FFD. Get rid of the old interns forever. Nice. We didn't even pay her to say that. Was that written by an intern? No, it literally wasn't. I can guarantee you that wasn't written by one of us. Oh, this is a good one. It's from grumpy old bloke. The old stars are for the young,

the stars of the young kids, five stars, as a long time chase a fan, may I suggest you employ more of the wonderful new generation let them shine. Potty-mouthed old fellas like us have had our days in the sun. Time for us to shut up. I think he's talking to us, Dom. Nice work. I don't listen. Nice work.

I know everything. So this one says, It's all right. Five stars from Jimmy He. At the helm of this podcast is what can only be described as Australia's Z-grade version of Hamish and Andy. The Hamish is Charles, a man who sounds just like that one bloke who's perpetually drunk at the pub,

sitting alone in a corner rambling to himself and giving long-winded, unsolicited life advice. to anyone who is unlucky enough to walk near. I think that's fair. Keeping him on track is his Andy and significantly less funny is his counterpart, Tom, who has had the personality you would expect from someone who has a doctorate in a literary field.

They've also recently started to pat out there. Oh, they come for me too, no! They've also started to recently pat out there 20 minutes with the addition of Andrew Bolt's daughter whose constant, I'm a millennial and you're all old and out of touch jokes, easily make the time. Hang on a sec, you're not allowed to call us old and out of touch.

and then blame Gabi for pointing it out. That's ridiculous. The show does improve when they bring on more successful people, like the suspiciously way too polite Mark Humphreys, Nina, who yabbers like she's just done a line of gas station cocaine, and the one much more successful friend who just Carter Skabey's old high school buddy is Craig Rookasel. Worth it if you've got nothing else to do, five stars. I'm going to put that on my epitaphs.

I'm going to print that one and frame it and pop it in this office. Jimmy, hey, hey, hey, do you want a job on? That's pretty funny. And some good feedback on the two episodes a day. Because I don't think we should do two episodes a day. Yeah, but your fun thing to do is just ignore the thing that we do. But everyone seems to support to a day. He doesn't want way more listens.

Two a day of anything is good. I think it's cheating. I think we're cheating. Well, why don't we do two review segments a day? Okay. I think it's time to go. Our gear is from ACAST. Nope.

He fucked it. And... Road microphones. and we are supported by the Road Microphones Creators Network. What the fuck? Shut up, Hamish.