The Chaser Report - Introducing The Aldi Of Airlines

Episode Date: October 1, 2024

Andrew Hansen and Dom Knight answer the age-old question: how many koalas does it take to run an Australian airline? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Andrew today. Yes, Charles is off gallivanting somewhere rather. But Andrew, so nice to have you with us. Hey, it's good to be here, Dommy. Good to be here. Yes, yes.

How you feeling? I'm feeling good and I'm feeling impressed. I'm feeling very impressed. I like bravery. Andrew, I like people giving things a go, being. willing to take a chance, you know, having a crack. What was that wonderful line from Scott Morrison? You have a go, you get a go, or was it you get a go, you have a go, or he had to go?

I think it was something like that. Now, yeah, it didn't result in anybody receiving any goes that I recall, but he did say it. He did say it. I was just imagining the Scott Morrison version of Monopoly where you pass go and you get a go. I don't know how that works. I wish you did, you know. It would have been nice.

I mean, I was having a go the whole time that Scott Morrison was in charge. I was having, I don't know about you, Dommy, but I was really having a go. And not once did I get a go. My life was terrible during those years. Outrageous. I never got a go. And then yet, Scott Morrison, people were having a go. Scott Morrison towards the end I seem to recall with all the jobs.

Anyway. And then he literally did go. It took a long time about it, though. It took years to go. But anyway, we're not talking about Scott Morrison today. As tempting as that always. Yes, no, no. Which brave person?

Which brave solely is doing that, you know. I think the bravest thing you could do in Australia in 2024 right now. Today, as we record, is bet on the swans to win the AFL premiership next year. But the second bravest thing, and this is another Melbourneian thing, Andrew. Can you believe that someone in this day and age is willing to start an airline, a new airline? Now... Look, is this this brave fellow who's cropped up in the news? Because there's always talk, isn't there?

There's always talk of new airlines in Australia. and they start up and then they flop and they start up again and then they flop. So, yeah, somebody's stepping up to the line, isn't he? I'm not fully across it, but you might be. There's a new airline, Andrew, and I want you to think about the best possible brand for a new Australian airline while we play some ads, and then I'll tell you what they've gone with. Oh, yes, I'll have a think about that.

I've got a few ideas already. Oh, stay tuned. So you want to come up with a new brand for an airline. You want a point of difference. You want to be better. You want to electrify the market. What are some of the ones that people have done before? They've done compass, wrecks.

There was Ancet. Wasn't there sovereign airlines? None of them really grabbed the market. You've got some good ones. We've got, you know, there's sky traders. They're still going. Sky traders? That sounds like an 80s cover band.

I know. It's great names, isn't it? They do sort of government flight. They do flights for the Australian government. They fly to Antarctica. I don't know if you're allowed to actually book a ticket unless you're an Antarctic scientist. But I, look, if I was launching an Aussie airline, Dommy, I'd probably like to hook it in with a brand. I mean, I'm thinking of the American, the short-lived American airline Hooters Airways, for example.

Hooters Air. Do you remember when Hooters ran an airline? I hate to plug my own work here, Andrew, but given that you did last time, I have both Hooters and Hooters Air, referenced in my new book, The Dictionary of Terrible Ideas, which comes out in a few weeks. Yes, yes. And so I looked up, Hooters there. The concept was, it was a regular airline, but then there were also Hooters girls. So they had regular sort of stewardesses in dignified uniforms and a couple of scantily clad Hooters girls because you can't call them women because they want to infantilize them because it's America.

And apparently they added nothing to the experience and just went under. It didn't work at all. No, I gather it went broke. What I read was it went bro going around about $40 million dollars. It was a disaster. That and the other airline like that is the Trump Shuttle, which I wrote about in my book about Donald Trump, which had served steaks in the air and it had gold-plated fittings and it lost an absolute bomb of money, the Trump Shuttle. Oh, dear. Well, not even Hoot is good.

So if you were going to do an Aussie version of that, though, you know, like it turns some sort of eatery or an existing brand into an airline, I would like to see a pie face airline. I reckon that would work. That's great. Don't you? That's not bad. I think you'd get on. You'd get a free pie or sausage roll. Yeah, as in-flight food, a pie is actually a genuinely good idea.

Actually, I think you're on something. Yummy. Air pie face. Air pie face. It's better than Bonza. It's a much better brand than Bonza. Well, this is what they do. In India at one point, I don't think it exists anymore, but they had Kingfisher Airlines,

which was named after a beer. So maybe we could have 4X airlines. The 4x, I can see the livery. You can imagine the golden-colored aeroplane with the four-xes along the side of it. It would look great. Yeah, and the hint of swearing, which certainly, whenever I fly Jetstar, I want to use four-letter words. And that would make me thinking, well, next time I'm going to fly four-x airlines. They'd serve 4-X gold instead of water.

It's about as enjoyable as water. Based out of Gold Coast Airport, I reckon. It would be a good one. It would only fly from the Gold Coast to the Sunshine Coast. Can you imagine? Yes, yes. In a loop. Great idea.

Just back and forth. Downing four X is all the way. I mean, look, at the other end of the Aussie market, you might have a sort of sophisticated, you know, kind of Melbourne airline, something like a St. Ali coffee airline. Yes, that's very classy. You would, rather than that other famous Melbourne coffee brand grinders,

which people might get the wrong idea about what kind of in-flight services were on offer. Oh, you, Nana, we're not talking grinders. That's more in the Hooters territory, Anna. And I'm thinking of St. Tal-Lean, or a Loon croissontory. A Loon-Claught. It's got really minimalist. Good bit of inflates.

It'd be a very long queue to board, wouldn't there, at Loon Quesson-Roo. I'd never managed to get there. I tried to go, last time I was in Melbourne, I tried it three or four times to get there, and the queues was so long. So, again, that would be very Jet Star-esque, I feel. I can imagine, instead of a regular seat, though, you'd want that sort of minimalist, uncomfortable, industrial cafe seating.

So you'd have to sit on a metal sheet. That's right. The whole of the inside of the cabin would have bricks around the walls. Yeah, or a milk crate, perhaps. Oh, you'd sit on a milk crate. You would. You'd get your in-flight beverage in a jar. Yes.

Or something like that. Yes, this is so appealing. To me, as a Melbourneian, I would, only fly. He would only fly. And I think it should just, and I think rather like the 4x idea, Dommy, it should only fly really between maybe just different suburbs of Melbourne. You would sort of take

off in Fitzroy North and land in Pasco Vale. I think that'd be great. That's very good, yeah, the Melbourne. Because you can imagine the kind of people who'd want to fly on whether it's Loon, croissonsery or Sintali airline, they wouldn't want to leave Melbourne. So they'd just go up and come down. They'd be the kind of people who were just like,

I couldn't possibly leave Melbourne. Couldn't possibly leave Melbourne. I wouldn't dream of going to somewhere as awful as anywhere that's not Melbourne. You know what it would do? It would basically, it would fly in a loop over Sydney. It would void the contents of the in-flight toilets over Sydney and then it would land again in Melbourne.

Maybe it'd fly from Avalon to Melbourne, I don't know, via Sydney to do a bit of a dump out the window. What's the real airline though, do I mean? For the real airline, and again, this is based in Melbourne. They've gone a bit for the Bonzer brand, they've decided to call it koala airlines. Now, I mean, it's the most obvious possible. And there's already the koala furniture.

It doesn't seem to have anything to do with the sort of, you know, deliver a mattress to your house type thing. Yeah, I'll use. When I think of koalas, Andrew, I think of a couple of things. I think of things moving very slowly and being largely asleep. Not a great image for a pilot. It's just woke up. No, that's true.

Sleeping 22 hours a day. Yes, only having, you know, they only eat gum leaves, but the gum leaves have absolutely no nutritional value for them. They basically eat the unhealthiest possible food, and it gives them constant stomach troubles, but they're too stupid to be able to eat something else. So terrible food, I mean, that is sounding more like an airline. That's an airline, that's an airline, you know, sitting there with a tummy ache, terrible food while trying to sleep. And then, of course, koalas are ridden with venereal disease. So I think a budget airline, it might might, might. work quite, they could fly to Bali or, or Paquette.

Yes, that's, you're absolutely right, dummy. Absolutely right. Coala's an excellent name then for an airline. It's a good start. And I can see it being quite a sort of high level piece of branding as well, where a lot of business people would like to book on koala air. You know, it would just sound very bit like a business, like if you're going on a very important business trip,

or maybe if you're a foreign diplomat, you know, a lot of those very high-ranking officials might. like to get around Australia, you know, not on something called Quantus. No, or a koala would be great. So it could be reported in the news that, you know, the president flew koala airlines. It's like a parody. It's like what the Simpsons riders would come up with for an Australian airline without actually ever having been here.

But the koalas, they're not virgins. It's a good point of difference from virgin. None of the koal is a virgin, that's the problem. Not with all that venereal disease that they have that you mentioned, no. So in a moment, Andrew, I'll tell you what their plan is, because they have got a point They've got one or two actual good ideas, as much as starting another airline in 2024 is a terrible idea. I'll tell what they are in a second. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser report should legally be considered medical advice.

The Chaser Report. So, yeah, I mean, their livery has already been designed. They've got a picture here. It's kind of orange and teal. It's kind of a weird color combination. But this started back in 2018 when they bought out an air tour and charter operator called Desire. it air safaris, and they still haven't started in what's going on. So the point of difference, so this is in August they were talking about launching.

And now they're still going. The guy Bill Astling, who's the chief executive of Kowah, to the extent that something doesn't exist, he can even have a CEO, won't say when it will begin flying or where it will fly to. It doesn't want to tip off the competition, you see. It doesn't want to reveal any plans. Oh, you wouldn't want to do that while the money's coming in. That's right.

Yes, right. But he has got a good point of difference. He wants to make it the Aldi or IGA of the supermarket sector. And you can't be both. You've got to choose one or the other. You've either got to charge much more for the same thing like IGA or sell something that looks similar that's not quite the same like Audi. So shouldn't the airline be called Quintas or Vodgen?

They're very good solution, yes. Yeah. I like them. Well, I wonder what's it going to be, do you think? Has he said? as he said, is it going to be expensive or cheap? Yes, it's just going to fill in niches that the others don't fly. They have got one policy that I think is genuinely admirable,

but also definitely going to send them bankrupt in no time. And that is that what they're going to do is that when you buy an airfare from them, the money will go into a trust account until the flight is taken. And if you don't get to fly for some reason, they'll actually give you your money back. and I think anyone who's ever flown on any Australian airlines would be up for that in an instant. Don't you reckon that is an absolutely rolled gold marketing pitch

that they'll actually get your money back, like any other thing where if you don't take advantage of it, if they don't provide the service, you get your money back, somehow airlines don't do that. No, I can't see that working, I'm afraid, Domney. Poor old koala, I can see them going very, very broke doing that. I just assume that if you're running an airline, you have to cancel lots and lots of flights

and just keep the money. Don't you get to keep it going? That's the only thing that's profitable for an airline. Yeah, I mean, that's why you would start an airline. I'm sure most people who start an airline are dreaming of just, you know, canceling lots and lots of people's flights and shattering their holiday dreams and keeping all their money. That's when they actually operate the flight. That's inconvenient. You don't want to do that.

But it's the cancellations, particularly when people are waiting at the gate that you really want to slug them with a cancellation. Yeah, it would be great fun. I mean, it's enjoyable to just see their faces and hear the size of disappointment would be great fun if you're running an airline. And I think the koala people are probably missing out on that joy. No, I think that's a really weird idea. I can't quite see that working, Domney. Well, maybe the trust account could be run by Jetstar. I think he'd give a Jetstar the money to mine just to keep it nice and say. Maybe I can rename it a lack of trust account. But this guy, he's got a hutzpah, this bloke, the notional C, Bill Astling, the supposed

head of the thing. He said here that people have been joking with him about saying, have you already appointed an administrator. You must be insane. People have said to this guy, have you appointed the liquidator yet? And I just think that's not a joke. I honestly think he needs someone on speed time at this stage already. He clearly can't tell if somebody's kidding. That was probably said to him by an actual liquidator who turned up ready to do the job. So the guy's got form though. And this is one of the surprising things about it. I'm just quoting news.com.com that are you here, Andrew. It says that this bloke Astling, Bill Astling,

launched cargo carrier Air Express in 1977. So I was born in 1977, so I can tell you that's 47 years. So this guy must be about 80. Must need to have launched an airline in 1997. I'm an old man. Well, he would be good on him. Good on him for still trying to get funny little airlines going.

I think that's really admirable. And as you say, really brave. Particularly as... I certainly haven't heard of that airline. that you just mentioned. Air Express. No, because there was a court challenge from Anset and then it went into receivership after the court challenge.

So I don't know that Air Express ever actually existed as opposed to just being notional. So maybe that's what this is. Maybe he's just getting his revenge. He should call it Anset. Wouldn't that be a great revenge? Take up the Anset name. Why not?

Nobody's using it. I'd love to see Anset back in the air. It'd be like those reboots of TV shows, you know. But you'd have a reboot of Anset here. I'd love to hop on a rebooted airline. I think that'll be a nice, nostalgic experience. And you could have smoking on board, your cigarettes and things. Just make it like flying in the 70s used to be.

That would be great. I think people would be thrilled. Air 70s. Maybe it should be like that 70s airline. Look, you've got to wonder if he's actually planning on flying at all, because I gather that, I mean, isn't the history of aviation littered with, you know, people who start supposed airlines and they never actually take to the skies? Well, that's this guy's experience.

Much better to have a hypothetical airline that never happens and get a bit of publicity. I think we should do that. I think their chances of success are about as high as the chance of the koala as a species surviving. Yeah, pretty low, yeah. Well, see, that would be embarrassing for them too, wouldn't a koala air? You know, if the koalas went extinct, because it looks like they're about to, and then you're stuck with his airline. It's like they may as well call themselves the Tasmanian tiger air.

Well, that's who we had tiger air, and it was doomed from the start. It was doomed. Don't name your airline after an animal. There's a track record of animal airlines doing very badly. My plan's for dodo air. Probably not going to come good. No, that's about it. Look, I wish them well.

I think there's absolutely no chance of the airline doing anything. But I'm very happy to take part. If Coala Airlines wants to sponsor the podcast, just email us, podcast at chaser.com. I'm very happy to go along and review the debut flight. Probably be the last ever flight of Coala Airlines. We might send Charles, actually, in case the safety record isn't ticked off properly. We would. Or, Coala.

Actually, if I squeeze in a plug here, I mean, I'd be happy to fly Coala air to to do my show on the 11th of October. But if you're listening to Coala Airlines as Mr. What's his name? Bill Astling, is it? Ailing or something, yeah. You can fly me to Canberra to be there on the 11th, thanks. And I'll happily, I'll mention the brand and everything at the show.

We are part of the Iconiclass Network. We'll catch you next time, whether in the podcast's booth or on-board koala airlines, the new official airline of the Chaser Report, if they're willing to pay to be that. Bo voyage.