The Chaser Report - Introducing The Newest Member Of Seven News | Mark Humphries

Episode Date: June 18, 2024

Charles' dear friend and fellow War On 2024 tour act Mark Humphries has just been announced as a new member of the Seven News team. Naturally, Charles goes to his best efforts to ensure this is the shortest career Mark has ever had. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles, and unfortunately Dom isn't here. He's actually asleep because he has taken work as a university lecturer. And as all people at universities know, one of the great things that you have to do as an academic is mark the papers of incoherent fuckheads from. undergraduate degrees, right? And so he's had about 100 million essays to mark

over the last 24 hours because, of course, he left it all to the last minute, as you do with marking because it's such a horrible shit job. And so he was up till 7 a.m. this morning, marking, which means he is now currently asleep, which means instead, we're going to have to

sub him out with Mark Humphreys. Mark, welcome to the podcast. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and I'm apologising to the listeners that... Yeah, no, of course. But I'm thrilled to be here, but apologies to everyone listening. Yeah, no, exactly. But, you know, talking of terrible jobs to take, Mark, you know, I could see, I heard that, you know,

I didn't take me well enough, you planted the idea in the setup. Yeah, and then I buried it by insulting you. And I went, oh, fuck, that was a stupid turn, maybe I should just segueged straight into the terrible jobs. Yeah, so, I mean, Dom, you know, had to make ends meet and ended up, you know, teaching future generations. What job have you taken in the last 24 hours, Mark? Well, according to some people, I'm Channel 7's new news reader. That's what people seem to have taken away from the...

Is that defamatory? Like, can you actually... Can you take them to court for that? I love that idea. Well, as a Channel 7, you probably will be suing people for defamation. Like, now that you're a Channel 7 executive, do they give you, like, a defamation budget as part of your salary? I think that's part of it. I've actually requested that.

Yeah, yeah. I've insisted upon it. But, yeah, no, just the people, yeah, a few people got in touch saying, are you the new Channel 7 newsfeed? I'm like, how would that work? Well, you weren't a game show host for a while. Like, you know, you are multi-talented. I'd believe you as a anchor. You know, you could do it.

Yeah. I think people think that, like, seven, some people think that, like, Seven News is going down some path, like, the project or something, and that I would, like, deliver the news and then I would, you know, have a cocked eyebrow at the end or a sound effect at the end of the story, but... Well, I've only learned in the last 24 hours since this was announced that you're going to Channel 7. I always thought that Channel 7 news was apparent. Like, I thought it was like, they'd sort of taken CNN and N and stolen it from us. Yes, if anything, this makes the news more serious. Yes, that's right, exactly. Yeah.

So, but what is your actual job going to be? So, I mean, it's kind of similar to the 730 thing in that it will be cancelled. It's sort of at the end of the news, the 6 o'clock news, I think I'll be doing a couple of minutes of rye observations. Well, every day. Well, no, it's worth, Friday. that we're going to, I think we're going to start with, because this is very, very early days. So, apologies of things change, but I think we'll try it on a Friday for a bit and see. So you're going to be the Friday funny man, like in front line?

That's my, that's my lot in life, yes. Do you have a keyboard? Are you going to do it with a keyboard? Again, it's all in the contract. These are all my requests. I won't be using a keyboard, but I insist on having one available to me at all time. Yeah. Yeah, so it would be some sort of two-minute thing at the end of the news.

Yeah. It's not like, yeah, it's not what some people seem to think, which is like the whole news is going to be funny now or something like. Why did you decide to sell out and join an evil corporation? Well, I always think of, there's that, I remember David Cross, you know, he was from like Arrested Development and Mr. Show. And I remember he was asked once about why he'd done the Alvin and the Chipmunks movies. And he said, no, it's a good question because,

part of the reason I did it is that I went to put a deposit down on a house, and it turns out the bank doesn't accept Indy CRED. So, you know, as a divorce father of two to three children, I do think that I probably do need to make some money. And I think I just need to make it clear that the ABC let me go 10 months ago. I remember this happened when I was doing something with Jazz Twemlow for Amazon

a few years ago and obviously Jeff Bezos owns Amazon and I remember people a couple of comments about how could you work for Jeff as if you're reporting to Jeff Bezos but yeah it was that sort of thing of like I don't think you realize that

we don't get to kind of just go oh I'd like to work at Channel 9 or I'd like to do this so it's sort of like the you know the opportunities are so rare And I think Channel 7 is certainly an unusual place to end up, but this was their idea. They've got a new team in the news department there that has come in very, very recently. And they want to try something new.

Are the old team in jail? I believe. I think that's right. I think that's right. So, yeah, I haven't kept tabs on whether. But yes, it is a new, you know, I'm not reporting to, you know, the person who approved the cocaine and massage. You know, at least I have a button. Well, no, I hope you are.

I mean, yeah. So, yeah, I've had a lot of tweets about that. But I think what's funny as well is, like, in the lead-up, because obviously we're going on tour, you and I and James and Veronica Milsom. Can we say that Veronica Milsom is going on tour with us? Yeah, yeah. Well, we haven't announced it yet. But this can be the announcement video.

Well, there you go. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. We're doing more on 2024 at the end of the year with, and Veronica Milsom. coming on tour this year. Exactly. Fantastic. A fantastic addition.

And so I've been thinking about, you know, what characters or pieces I might do for that tour. And prior to getting this offer from Channel 7, my first idea was, oh, I think I'll play like a Channel 7 producer. And so I then thought, oh, okay, or maybe I shouldn't do that. I'm like, no, no, I think I should still do that because. Yes, I think you should. Yes, because that was actually the Chase's principle was that we should always bite the hand that feeds us.

That's how, like, if you go in and people know that what they're getting is something that will bite their own hand, then when you bite their hand, they can't turn around and say, well, hang on, we didn't expect they'd get our hands bitten. That's it. And as you record this podcast from your basement, do you think that was a good move in here? Yeah. But hold on, can I just go back to the money thing, which is you, you. were at the ABC for several years doing that 7.30 job, you worked for what, two minutes every

two weeks. Don't you have retirement level money already? Like, that's like a two-minute sketch at the ABC. Like, you don't need to sell out. That's not indie credit. That's like, that's bankable money, isn't it? Exactly. Look, it was a golden age. Let's let's be on it. And before that, let's not forget SBS. You did the occasional sketch on SBS. But that would have been dollars. But Charles, what you've got to understand, Charles, though, I've just moved house and I was going through all my boxes of CDs and DVDs.

And I found my collection of CDs of original Broadway cast recordings. And it was in that moment that I realized why I never got a house deposit. There's thousands of dollars worth of cast recordings. recordings for musicals. Which you can now stream for free on Spotify. Yeah. But exactly right. I've now just got stuff that just takes up physical space

and that I need to pay for to be stored. But yes, sadly, I do need to eat and feed my children. So I hope people can understand the need to take the occasional paid work. So can I just ask, you were cited going into Channel 7 a day or two ago. Right. Yeah. Was that your induction? Like, did they teach you how to kick an old civilian off a cliff and, you know, launch unsuccessful defamation proceedings against, you know, highly traumatized people?

There's a manual that I haven't gone through yet. Right. But I'm hoping that it covers all those areas. Yeah. No, that was weird in the sense of the – because that was – so someone leaked that to the Australian. And it was just like – I don't know. I just found that really strange that someone at Channel. 7 would i mean i guess it's just a different sort of mentality but that that that mentality of seeing

something in the in the you know channel 7 cafe and then going oh i think i'll contact a rival media outlet and um yeah you leaked it uh that was the worst that was the worst you know diversion i've ever seen you i would love to leak you know but if i leaked it it would come through Peter Ford. And it didn't. So I genuinely don't know what happened there. But it was just, I think I was just mildly peeved by it because it just meant like suddenly it's like a lot of questions about what are you doing? And it's just like, I've literally gone in and had one meeting. Were you hoping to get away with, you're just going under the radar because nobody actually watches free to air television anymore. Is that true? You could collect a, you could collect a paycheck

and no one would know. That's very funny. I love that idea. I think that's true sometimes that does tick on me whenever i always love when you suddenly like you go to jb hi-fi and you suddenly discover that there were 12 seasons of charmed or something like that yeah exactly the chaser report more news less often but the thing is like the demographic i imagine i don't know but i imagine the demographic of channel seven news free to air would be that would be in their 80s wouldn't they the core demographic and and that's being And it would be people who don't know how to change the channel yet. That's what I, but that's, I've always banked on that audience.

That's always been my, I've always, that's your ABC audience as well. So you, are Channel 7 hoping that two minutes of Mark Humphreys once a week will just convert an entire generation of ABC viewers over to their, their wonderful news service? Is that, is that there? I think that, I think that makes sense. I think when you've put it that way, yeah, I think. that's exactly what's going to happen. Yeah, right.

Because presumably, well, they'll post it online, though. We'll be able to see it, though, won't we without watching? Yeah, yeah, yes, exactly. No, yeah, that's the thing. Oh, gosh, yes. You should insist on that. You should insist in that in your contract, because some of the best viral videos coming out of Channel 7,

you know, like that Bruce Lamber one at the dinner party. But they go viral, those Channel 7 personality ones. What was the dinner party one? The one where there was a guy racking up white powder next to him. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that was, like, weeks ago. So that's ancient history.

It is ancient history. That's it, exactly. That was the old generation of Channel 7 News, like, from 30 days ago. Yeah, it's funny talking to you. It almost sounds like this is a bad idea. You know, we've absolutely, you know, we've lampooned seven before in our tours and, you know, we will do again. Yeah, I'd be very interested to see how good. I mean, I remember there was something at SBS once where I think I can tell this story now.

Yeah, okay. I think enough time has passed. That we made, basically SBS launched The Handmaid's Tale back about, I don't know, six or seven years ago. And there was, something went wrong where a whole bunch of people, it went on SBS on Demand, a lot of people had trouble streaming it. And so there were articles the next day about, oh, the handmaids fail and what have you, you know, like all these things that kind of didn't, didn't. Oh, that's right. I remember that. I think their I view version, it crashed, SPS on Demand crashed, didn't it?

Yes. Yes. I remember right. And so Evan and I were making daily sketches for SPS's defeat at that time. I remember I came in the next day and I said, look, if this had happened to any other network, we would make a sketch about it because it was this big, there'd been a big promotional lead up to it. And so I said, I think we should do, yes, that's right, that's right, because it crashed or it was glitchy for some people or ads came up in the middle of sentences or they got the same ad over and over and over again. And so I said, I reckon we should do an apology from SBS on demand and then the apology crash. be interrupted by ads, exactly.

Oh, lovely, yes, yes. And so we shot this apology piece, and I was so thrilled with it. And I really loved that SBS had the sense of humor to poke fun of themselves and what have you. And then maybe an hour before broadcast, I get a call saying, oh, Mark, just letting you know, we showed the sketch to the team at SBS on demand. And someone cried. So we're not going to be airing that sketch. And so, yeah.

So what am I trying to say here? I'm hoping that if Channel 7 has any further scandals, they'll allow me to rib them. But maybe not. If SBS wasn't willing to go all the way, then. Yeah, and it's funny. A few years later, I think Handmaid's Tale season four or something launched. And I thought, oh, enough.

I still had the original sketch. I still had the video file. And I thought, well, enough times passed. I think I can put this out now and say, oh, here's something we made a few years ago, it never aired, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I think within, I don't know, 15 minutes I got a phone call from someone at SBF. Yeah, Mark, you don't actually own that video file. Could you take that?

Oh, my God. So, yeah, it'll be interesting to see how willing they are to poke fun at themselves. I don't know. It's an experiment. I'm kind of, I think, as with everything, I kind of just going with low expectations. And, you know, if it lasts for a year, it lasts for one for one week, I don't know. Well, it's something new. So have you talked to Seven about crossover opportunities?

Because I think that's where, like, to me, Channel 7 news is whatever. Like, I think it's the number one news service. But there's a lot of other shows that are more Mark Humphreys on Channel 7. Like, I'm thinking love interest on Home and Away. Well, it's funny you say that because Home and Away is shot, I didn't realize this, the interior sets are shot. are right next door to the news studio. Do they ever get confused and accidentally shoot, you know, the news on the homero I said?

I do believe so. I think that does explain why Mark Ferguson was briefly one of the river boys. But, yeah, that's my hope for some cross over opportunity. My understanding is they brought back the cash cow. When I walked into the new studio for the first time, and only time, the head of the cash cow was just on the table. and I think that that was their way of saying try it on see how it fits just you know you could be the cash cow so that would be my hope but and also Chris Brown has joined the network so I can be his sort of slightly significantly less handsome body double I could do like back back of head shots because Chris Brown just does the front I'll just do the bank you should pitch to them a game show a game show involving you and Chris Brown and yeah and the game is just can you tell which one's which, and people, women will always be able to tell. Yeah.

They win every time. And what about, because the other one is, do they have dancing with the stars still? Does that still exist? They do. They do. I'm still waiting for the call up on that. Because I'm thinking, if you become a sort of like notable seven personality, you could get on that. And that would be your dream, wouldn't it?

Because your musical theatre is your life. That's it. And I've got the moves. And, but I, you know, I probably don't take well to choreography. I need to be able to do, unlike, yeah, unlike Paul McCurier and Strictly Borum, I sort of need to dance my own steps. Yeah. Yeah.

So, no, I'd love to do that. And can I actually, I'll tell you another story which amused me. I'm telling stories out of school here. I think I'm trying to get fired already. The, you know how Darrell Summers did that, um, bizarre auction bit during the Logie? last year so when he was handing out the gold loggie i might have just um not not watched the loggies last year accidentally that's uh that's shame it's weird i don't know why you would not watch that but anyway so darrell did this darrell announced the gold loggie and he did this bit to darrell was

also yes he was hosting dancing with stars at the time anyway he did this bit where it was like as if the gold logo was up for auction it was like oh hamish blakes put in a bid there or sonia Kruger, Tom Gleason, and famously Tom Gleason sort of barreled the camera to say, is this funny or this isn't funny. Ah, yes, I remember that controversy, yeah. Yeah, and it just sort of died to death. But anyway, I was speaking to someone who had been at Dancing with the Stars, which had just, it had just filmed its finale earlier that week, and they told me that Daryl did the

exact same auction bit in the final episode of Dancing with the Stars, but it tanked. so they cut it in the edit. And what Daryl then did is thought, hang on, they cut my great auction did. Well, I'll show them. I'm going to do it in the Logies. I'll do it live.

I'll do it live so they can't edit it. Yeah. We'll see who's the fool after that. So, yeah. Anyway, I don't know why I told that story, but that's just a little bit of Sherby's. I just love Sherby's anecdotes. Now, talking about jobs, one of the jobs that Dom has on this podcast is to find a sort of neat, brief segue that sort of encapsulates the whole podcast and provides a witty ending so that then I can go, our Gears from Road, we're part of the iconoclast network.

I am wondering whether you, Mark, you do lots of em seeing and stuff of that, can you just find an end that sort of encapsulates this whole podcast so we can actually just stop. doing it because I think it's come to its natural end oh I see okay and we just need a we just need a quick out and Dom always does it really well he just goes oh you know witty witty line that summarizes everything and then and then we can just leave and we can we I don't know what you're going to do you're going to sort of count your money or something you want yes you want something like much like my career after joining seven we've come to an end it's been the change your report. See, that's why you're earning the big bucks.

That's why you're earning the big bucks. Agues from Road. We're part of the Iconiclass Network. Hopefully, Dom will be back tomorrow, so you don't have to have any more. Because that was terrible, yeah.