The Chaser Report - Is Alan Jones Kidding?

Episode Date: December 12, 2021

Dom and Charles are joined by Mark Humphries today as they dissect the latest announcement from their dear friend, former SkyNews host Alan Jones. Together they fondly reminisce all the good times they had with Alan, and look forward to joining him in his new exciting project, which will undoubtedly shadow anything anyone has ever done in Australian media. Plus Scott Morrison has decided he thinks big-utes are good. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Monday the 13th of December 2021. I'm Dom Knight. Charles Firth is here. And Charles, look, it's the end of the year. And what better to do it than just recording a shitload of stuff with Mark Humphreys? We've had the afternoon edition on Friday.

We've got an afternoon edition coming up today. All these, of course, recorded at separate times. Yes. Mark, it's so great to have you. It's so great to be in the same. I mean, Mark, just given all the other things you do, all the television or the social media stardom, it's lovely that you still have time for podcast.

That's so much podcast. I thank you, because I do have to fit you in between, you know, two minutes of sketches once a fortnight for the ABC. So I've just managed to make that work. If we confess that this show was recorded on Friday, the great thing about that is that neither Charles nor Mark know what the Big Alan Jones announcement was. He's been hyping it forever.

I'm going to tell the two of you, and any listener hasn't bothered to tune into media. your Twitter on Friday, what the big announcement is. Yep, so we're going to find out what Alan Jones is up to. So Alan Jones is going to take up pretty much the whole show, as he would want to do, given how enormous his announcement is. We'll get into that right after Rebecca Daynamuno in the Chaser Newsroom. The Liberal Party have ramped up their campaign against independent candidates

by writing op-eds in news court papers, telling voters that pro-IAC candidates will achieve nothing when it comes to buying new car parks. WA Premier Mark McGowan has announced a new tiered system for the WA border that ranks the rest of Australia by how risky they are to enter the state, with Victorian residents at the bottom of the list and the top of the list being anyone who earns more than seven figures a year. New South Wales Health has today revealed that the Actor Awards Night in Sydney was potentially exposed to COVID.

after a waiter on the night tested positive. The outbreak, potentially affecting Sam Neal, Rebel Wilson and Tycho Waititi, was praised for its star-studded cast and was immediately given an award for best drama. That's the latest chaser headlines. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno, and in case any journalists are listening to this, I want to make it clear that I am not running in Wuringa, so don't start saying that I am. All right, so Charles and Mark, we're recording this bit. on Friday because this is such an incredibly important moment

in the history of Australia that I want to get your take on it fresh. And we'll always remember where we were when we heard this piece of news. Yes. Okay. And so what is it about? Who's the most important person in Australia? It was Alan Jones.

Alan Jones, yeah. We've got happy right. So for weeks now, Alan Jones has been building up a big announcement. He's been directing people to Alanjones.com. You've been getting people on there. Now, we were talking a lot about Baz Luwomen a short while ago. While that happened, the announcement has been made. It is fresh off the press.

Right. So should we guess what it is? He's been building up, what's Alan going to do next? Where is he going to go in 2022? I know the answer. Start your engines. What's it going to be Mark and Charles? Okay.

I'm thinking new cookbook with Mark Latham. The first one was so great. Or maybe just had to burn things to the ground. I mean, I do like the idea that some sort of social media You know, like how Trump is doing it. Yes. He's launching his own social media. It's called Gloria.

Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe it's one of those ones which, you know, where it goes into a memory hole after 24 hours, you know, that sort of fate. And it would be called glory hole. Right. Yeah, unrelated to any other use of that. But, I mean, I think podcast to me seems the most likely. Oh, that's very boring.

Would you have a giant press conference for a podcast? No, I reckon, is he going into politics? Because that's the big rumor. The big rumor was he might run for Ringer. He might enter the Senate. He didn't either of those things in the country. Because he don't forget, we'll set the same. He called a giant press conference at the Hilton Hotel.

He made it a big deal. He booked a room. I reckon he's joined the United Australia Party and he's going to run in the upper house in the federal election. Was it the Hilton Hotel or was it Hilton landscaping? A total Hilton. What about he has sacked the... whoever gets him to wear those jackets on TV.

Sacks whoever gets him to wear those jackets. Sacks his style. He's wardrobe stylus. He sacked M.J. Bail. I don't know. What else could be? I'll give you a hint. It's called a pioneering initiative.

Oh, is he joining? It's a social media thing. Is he joining Flash? Is he joining the new service Flash? Yes. That's my guess. Flash. But she said he wouldn't join.

That's the thing. No, because that's it. That's got, that's got news. That's good, basically, yeah. No, okay. What about... Okay, what is the piousiest new thing that could be described as a pioneering initiative? Oh, he's launching...

He's launching a... I reckon he's announcing that he's going to set up a Twitter account. He's going to be on Bibo. Oh, is it grinder? No. It's a... new platform, Australian digital holdings, and it seems to be an online TV show. A bit like, remember when Mark Latham was broadcasting from his basement?

This one, though, is backed by none other than Maurice Newman, the man with this. He's even older than Ellen. Oh, Morris, oh, from former ABC chair. We say Morris or Maurice, anyway, whatever you call him. And Amade of The Guardian is sort of live streaming this announcement and saying, I'm not sure about this new platform of, this new program delivered on a digital platform, the press conference is inaudible. People are complaining on Facebook.

So wait a minute, Mark Latham had his thing, but he put it out on Facebook, didn't he? Like, it wasn't like, like, he's not doing his own streaming platform. It sounds like it's his own streaming platform. Because nobody will watch that. Like, that's what we learned. I mean, Mark struggled to get, like, 300 people to his, you know, streaming platform. So, I mean, my best guess, and maybe it's on YouTube and Facebook and everywhere, I don't know. But he's clearly doing, trying to do Sky News, but with even fewer viewers, right?

So it's News Max, sort of news minimum. Well, what people are comparing him to is Alex Jones. So it's Alex Jones and Alan Jones. Oh, wow. The A Jones Conspiracy Theory cast. But isn't his entire audience over 70? Like my mom is over 70. She can't possibly work a computer to get it.

Yeah, so you're going to have a very difficult-to-access platform. Yeah. Yes. It's run by Ticotech, actually. I suppose if you did a deal with aged care residences where... Stream Allard. That's the only thing that streams on the screen. I think that was what we were playing when you died.

That's in the palliative care unit. You'd get ads on colostomy bags and things, aren't you? But it's going to be great for Danilich. That's terrific. Anything that keeps Dan doing is Alan Jones' impression is good news in my book. I mean, while we've been speaking, the interns have already been pitching,

like a digital chaser Alan Jones show with Dan Illich, which I'm sure would get more viewers than the real one. So are they going to have other presenters as well? Is this, like, is it Alan and, you know, George Christensen? He doesn't need anyone else. Doesn't know, of course. He's Alan Jones. Just all Alan all the time.

And will he have guests? Or is it just him shouting at the screen? Because he can just do that without streaming it. You just do it from the toaster. It's like just shouting out. It was from the middle of Struggle Street on the harbour incident. I mean, this quickly back to Mark Latham's one, the thing I amused me about that is that,

so you had insiders, right? So you have this show. And then Sky News decides, okay, we're going to run our own show, I think at the same time on our channel, you know, to one hundredth of the viewers, and then call it outsiders. That's going to be our little joke.

and then Mark Latham will be so offensive that he'll have to leave and then end up launching his own YouTube thing called Mark Latham's outsiders. I love that it. It was such an obscure program. The whole point was to say things you weren't allowed to say but then he said things you weren't allowed to say

and he got sacked. Two of the original three had to resign. That's the thing. And that was the thing that abused me as well is that he was sacked for his comments but he was allowed to come back as a guest. Yeah. And Ross Cameron also had to leave.

Yes, exactly. Leaving the least articulate member of the team. Rowan Dean. It's the only outsider. But it was like one of those sort of bands that splits off, and so it has all these multiple versions of it. So it's like, you know, Brian Wilson's Beach Boys, you know.

The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. All right, I've got some more details here. So it's going to be available on podcast, every social media platform to be free, and at alladjudge.com.a.u. It's going to have commentary pieces from Jones. It's just commentary.

His thoughts on sports, politics and the art And Maurice Newman says that the programs and articles Will produce millions of consumers Millions? Millions. Well, I suppose it's the Facebook audience, isn't it? It's those sort of over 60-year-old Presumably they're trying to get the overseas audience.

Cue and on sort of... By the way, so the show is going to be called Alan Jones Direct to the People. Morris or Maurice Newman is signing more people in the next six months. We should probably talk to him about... Totally. But what about Brabis Loins having a show? Thank you.

Yes, absolutely. But I mean, seriously, what is this? I mean, it's got to be maybe Rod Callerton. I can say Rod Callerton. Yes, Rod Callerton would do. He would. Well, George is the obvious. George Christensen's obvious.

He's trying to do the same thing. What's Nicole Flint doing? Isn't Nicole Flint leaving Parliament? Because I got the sense that she's sort of flirting with the idea, like being like a sky news sort of. So basically it's an even smaller platform than. Sky News. It's for people who look at Sky News and go, oh, that's pretty, that's pretty big time. That's too big for my boots. Yeah. No, look, we wish Alan well. But how much longer can he do this? He's 80. Like, just take a break, buddy. Why do these people, can't

they just? Yeah, why wouldn't you just enjoy your retirement? This is the thing. I'm amazed the same with like Murdoch. Why don't you live on a boat? Just go live on a boat. I don't think Alan can relax. I mean, he never slept. He would just spend all this whole afternoon writing thank you letters to people. I don't think. he's capable of being alone and not shouting opinions. Like he was just probably shouting opinions all day into his mirror. Yeah. And so he thought, well, I may as well, this is a good format.

But also, I mean, just quietly, he's never, his television's always been terrible. He's, he's a radio broadcaster. Yeah. I speak as someone who's not very good at television. No, sure. Hinch, what's, what's Darren? I mean, Darren, he's not that radical. I know, Darren's fairly, you can't predict what he's going to say.

No. Haste of the Pitos, though. Exactly. That's it. If it's in the contract. that he can name petos then, I think. In his autobiography, does Darren Hinge talk about what an enormous penis he has? No, rumor has it.

Yeah. I don't think he's rumour. I think it's fact, isn't it? The rumor is that he, you go to his house and there's an enormous painting of a nude Darren Hinge above his fireplace. I hope that's true, Darren. With an enormous shlong. We might get Darren on the podcast to check that.

But Darren also is. There's that famous photo of Darren just in bed with someone with the bare breasts, and he's just reading a newspaper or something, and she's just looking adoringly at his enormity. So that's the year in 2020. So anyway, a slight diversion from our normal, tightly edited podcast. But I think given the enormity of Alan Jones, yes. I'm glad we were.

Launching himself into the world. I think it needed this level of depth. And it just, I mean, this is so exciting that you can now just have your own platform. I mean, Alan Jones has had all these gatekeepers saying you can't say offensive things about women, all these bloody advertisers who say they don't want to be associated with these. It hasn't really stopped him from saying things about him. And so now if you just make your platform small enough and niche enough, you don't need any of those people. It's a bit of inspiration for The Chaser, really.

The Chaser Report, more news, less often. So Charles and Mark, we've got a little bit of time left in the podcast that isn't devoted to Alan Jones. I want to ask you about the other big issue in Australian politics in the past a couple of days, which is should the town of Geelong have a big Ute on a stick? This has been pitched to Dan Andrews. It's been pitched to Albo and to the Prime Minister. And I've got to say when it was first pitched to Scott Morrison, he had absolutely no clue what was being talked about.

Have a listen. Prime Minister, Geelong Council has put a feasibility to study into a big youth for the region. A big Ute's a bit of a tourist attraction. It's got the support of Daddy Landis. It's got the support of Andrews and easy. And then he remembers he's in election mode and that these are potentially voters, so he does this.

Do you support a big youth for Geelong is a tourist attraction? Well, I love you. How good a youth? Is there anything that Scott Morrison won't say how good is about? I think that's a great, I think that's a great idea for a segment.

Is there anything that you should just follow him at every press conference and just throw concepts to him. His abstract ideas. That would be a great stunt for the election, the how good guy. How good is stomo nuclear efficient? Mr Prime Minister, how good would Stephen Bradbury on a stick be?

Well, I think that would that be good. How good would that be? But I've got a question about the big Ud on a stick, which is for big things to be big, they've got to be bigger than the thing that they're modeled on right. And that's why the big banana is pretty disappointing, right? Because to say it, it's not very big. But then you go, oh, well, it is actually, it's probably...

It's big compared to a banana. Yeah, it's like at least a couple of hundred times bigger than a bannet. So a Ute is already big. Oh, okay. So to make a big Ute on a stick, I don't know whether the laws of physics will allow for that. Why does it need the stick? If it's that big, like why do we need, why does it need to levitate? Because the big marino just sits on the ground.

Yes, exactly. You don't need a stick. It's not a big marino on a stick. If the appeal of the big marino wouldn't be there if you couldn't, you know, nestle up to its bollocks the way that you can. Well, the one that always confused me was the big hairs rock because it's dramatically smaller than the real hair's rock. And that was a hangover from Leyland Brothers World,

the park that applies pretty. But no, the concept is it's an oversized Ute on a pole in the air. It's bigger. It's bigger. Right. So how do you get a photo in front of it if it's right up there? It's going to not look very good. It's going to look really small.

The further away you put it, yeah, exactly. Why wouldn't you just be? put it on the ground. The other thing is, Daniel Andrews did not actually support it. He just said, look, I don't necessarily have any thoughts

on large youth. I'd look at anything that supports workers. Whereas Albo is like, oh, I'm a big fan of big things from Australia or a big country and we need more big things

to its attractions. Do you think James Geoffrey crafted those lines from? Oh, God. I mean, you can see where the self-loathing in Australia comes from. I love that neither candidate for Prime Minister

that could bear to say, just fuck off. Because you could, yeah, you couldn't bear It's going to be the anti-biguit. No, you can't. I mean, that would lose you the election.

That's it. Oh, that's the birthday cake this time round. Just like, yeah. I'm sure they're tracking it on News poll now. Yeah. That's... Get Mike Willisie asking just, if I put a giant Ute on a stick. Yeah.

What's the tax? Yeah. On the stick. And if, yeah, what's the tax on that Ute if it is an electric vehicle? Yeah, it's right. Prime Minister, you said how good is a big Ute, but we want to know, in terms of dollars. How good is it?

That's it. This is, so, okay, but whose idea actually is the big utus? Do we know where this originated? Well, I wondered whether it was a satirical idea, whether it's some sort of stunt, where they're just pretending. Probably in Geelong, that's what your sense of humor does, is you ask people about big Uts on sticks. I'm not sure.

Someone's clearly in the pocket of big Ute on a stick. It's not the Uts, it's the stick people. Because I think, yeah, you've got to follow the money, don't you? That's it. Actually, that's great. The Ud is a diversion, it's the stick people who are trying to get sticks erected. Everyone's going to want a thing on a stick. Because it's not a big, it's a big thing.

It's not a big thing on a stick. They've added another dimension. It is the brainchild. It's the dog on the tuckerbox on a stick. Everyone's going to have to go and upgrade all their big things. The big guitar is going to be way up in here. It was local radio hosts Herbie and Josh in conjunction with the Geelong Museum of Motoring and industry.

So there's actually a museum, which is presumably. Absolutely empty, waiting for a big Ute on a stick. There's vested interests. Big vest on a stick. I'm obsessed with sticks now. I'm so excited about what we can put things on sticks. A big stupid idea on a stick. That's what I wanted.

How would you pick that? Oh man, I think there's something interesting. I think we should put Parliament House on a stick. Well, they tried. It's got a stick coming out of it. Just move it up the pole. That's right. Yeah, the stick goes right through the middle of it.

That's the mistake. It was just a design floor. It just fell through the stick. Our gears from road microphones, we're part of the Acast Crater Network. And the really good news is that later today, even more chat with Mark Humphrey's will. It's a triple episode, really. Two afternoons and a morning. What a delight.

Mark, thank you for being part of the show this year. What an absolute joy. What a great podcast. And you've had some terrific guests on this show. I'm not just talking about myself. But well done to you for a really marvellous lineup. Who was your favourite? Well, I think Grace Tame.

who, and I'll say this as well, Grace Tame has also turned out to be very, very funny. Oh, she's very funny. Yeah. So I think there's work, you know, I think we didn't really capture that aspect of Grace's site. But I just would say, as an additional aspect to her person, you know, I think she, yeah, on Twitter, she's brilliant. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And if Tasmania wanted a giant sculpture of Grace Tame, I think a stick would be inappropriate,

but I think a big grace, I'd go and say that. They should make her Australian at the year. She's brilliant. Sure.