The Chaser Report - Is Big Bird a Cuck?

Episode Date: November 9, 2021

Charles and Dom are furious/worried about news of a potential rise in beverage prices around the states. Meanwhile Lachlan has finally decided to stop watching Sesame Street, and Charles takes a look back at some old laws from the United States he's glad aren't still enforced. Plus all the latest headlines from Rebecca De Unamuno. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by ASMR. Listen as I tap this empty water bottle. Oh, that's some good stuff. Yeah. Listen as I use these scissors. People get fucking millions of dollars to do this. So like, we'll accept our check in the mail at any time. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report.

Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report on Wednesday, the 10th of November 2021. I'm Dom Knight. Hello, Charles Firth. Dom, I am so angry. Oh no. Was it me? What did I do? No, it's not you.

It's the bloody. So you know how we got out of lockdown? Yes. And we're supposed to enjoy ourselves. It's great. And we're supposed to go out and have fun. We're supposed to go and have fun. The world is our oyster.

And they said, you know, go to cafes, support the economy, go and have cocktails, support the economy, go and buy bread at last. Yeah. Well, it's all going to cost more. This was on the ABC yesterday. That morning coffee is about to cost you more. That's right. Inflation is on the rise, Dom. I want to watch that sound effect costs.

And it's all because everyone's buying everything and then it's all pushing the prices up and everything. Yeah, and I think also those bloody. hospitality workers. No one wants to work in these jobs. They're having to give them, I had of like $2,000 bonuses to sign on to be a cafe waiter. Yeah, well, I think that's because there's actually no one to do the jobs because we used to import 180,000 low paid workers a year to do all the shit jobs for us. And now... All the overseas students, all the sort of, all the Frenchies on working holiday visas.

I know. Oh, come back. I want the pavos slaves to come back. so my morning coffee doesn't cost up to 5% more, Dom. I mean, Charles, at first, when the government basically said during the pandemic, we're not going to give anything to anyone who is here. If you're here studying whatever, tough shit, we're not going to give you any money. I thought, good on you Australia for sticking up for Aussies.

Yeah, legend. That's right. But now we're paying the price because I had to go home. But it's not just coffee, Dom. This is the worst thing. If coffee isn't your thing and you fancy a cocktail, you'll also be asked to pay more. Sacri Blurt! The price of cocktails, Dom!

First they came for my coffee, I said nothing. Then they came for my cocktails. Actually, they're already fucking expensive too. So, what, are they going to have, say, $30 cocktails? And gourmet sourdough bread. Worst of all, because it involves lots of sort of, you know, labor input costs, they reckon it's going to cost 10% more. That means, you know, you buy a loaf of bread for, say, $14.

That'll cost $15.40 now. What's Scott Morrison doing about this? Because, look, I don't know. have a mortgage. I don't expect him to look after property prices, but at least he could fix the fucking cocktail and sado prices. What are you doing, Morrison? Look, you know, I've always been a scomo backer. You know me, don't. I know. You love the man. I'm a far-right conservative from way back, you know. You only get McDonald's in Eggadine, too. But I think this has gone too far. I mean, I think it was fine for him to trash the economy, trash the environment, lose that

$60 billion, not doing anything about climate change, be horrible to all those women. So the Souto is a thing that's broken a piece. But this is, this is, this is his interest rates. You know how, you know, back in the day. Oh, kidding. Yeah. Yeah. This is it.

Oh, no, there's a solution. There is a great solution. Oh, yeah. Afterpay is moving into hospitality venues. So you can go to a pub. What? And some venues have signed to deal with Afterpay. You can actually afterpay your drinks.

So you can have a massive bender at these high prices and just pay it off over the next four weeks. What could go wrong? Wait a minute. So after pay is the way. where it's like layby, where you're sort of, you're being all sensible with your money. No, it's not like lay by. Because lay by, you have to pay it all off before they give you through the thing. After pay gives you instant gratification and debt.

And then if you don't make your payments, it costs you quite a lot. Right. So I love this. So it's essentially the financial equivalent of a hangover. So you wake up the next morning, you go, oh my God, I've got a terrible hangover. I've also got four bills for my fucking bar bill last. No, that is, this is just genius. This just makes them exactly the same as any other debt provider.

And I'm just hoping that we take the next step, which is putting after pay on the pokies. So you just go straight into debt and you have to pay it off. Fantastic. What a wonderful world. Coming up on the show, Lachlan Hodson's take a deep dive into some pretty worrying propaganda coming out of the USA on everyone's favourite street.

And we'll take a look at the terrifying idea of ugly laws. But first, Rebecca Dana Minow in the Chaser Newsroom. She's going to join us in just a sec. Freedom of speech advocate Barnaby Joyce has called for former Prime Minister's Rudd and Turnbull to be silenced after they criticised Scott Morrison. The Deputy PM, who will be remembered for impregnating a junior staffer

and refusing to resign from politics, claimed that the pair need to learn how to leave politics gracefully. Alleged journalist Peter Van Onsillan has announced he has announced he has taken the drastic step of suing his defamation lawyer for defamation. This comes after the editor at two news organisations slash university lecturer claims that his lawyer has made him look bad by teaming up with his friends,

Andrew Lamming and Christian Porter, to sue multiple women online over tweets without his permission. You know, like lawyers do. Scott Morrison has begun asking for donations after his PR team suffered a loss of over $60 million last year. The PM said that the outsource team called News Corp Australia are at a real risk of collapsing

and that he is funneling in as much taxpayer money as possible to keep them afloat. But public donations to the tax-dodging billionaires in charge would be greatly appreciated. I'm Rebecca Dana Muno from the Chaser Newsdesk and you know what? Not to sound sexist or anything,

but looking at these headlines, I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe men are just too emotional to have any sort of power. Have we considered if maybe their hormones are getting in the way of thinking, clearly? Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by ASMR. Ew, Lachlan, gross. So I'm here with Gabby, Loughlin and Alexa. And Lachlan, you've been looking into Sesame Street.

What have you been doing? You've been assessing over Sesame Street all more. A bit old. Am I a young intern or am I a bit old for Sessonaut. You guys really got to get a story straight. I can't tell how old I am. It's a bit old. It's a bit of a zander thing.

Yeah. Well, despite how old or young I may or may not be for this show, I have decided to stop watching it. I can't watch it anymore. It's very entertaining. That's a healthy decision. Oh, you guys say it's entertaining, but you guys don't know. You guys don't know the real truth.

It's just filled to the brim with liberal propaganda. Oh, not this again. I'm just really, I just can't watch. watch my happy Little Sesame Street show without getting flooded with pro-fax messages. Disgusting. Yes. Because when I was growing up, it was all about racial diversity and everyone should get along with each other. It was disgusting.

Terrible, terrible. Horrible. Now that I am old enough to see through the thin veil. Yes, children's television. Liberalism. I've decided to stop watching it. And the big news that's actually come through this week is Big Bird, our favorite yellow 8-foot-one friend. has gotten vaccinated.

He tweeted out very recently with his personal Twitter. I got the COVID-19 vaccine today. My wing is feeling a little sore, but it'll give my body an extra protective boost that keeps me and others healthy. Disgusting! Before we even get into the vaccination status of Big Bert, though, how is that motherfucker tweeting?

He's got fucking feathers. How is he tweeting? How is he writing a message? He's got, he's like, oh, I can't. The man's been in the media industry for 50 years. I think he's got people who can do this kind of thing for it. You'd think, though, that he would have already been vaccinated against bird flu, surely. Well, that's the thing.

So the tweet actually finishes and it reads, My doctor even said, I've been getting vaccines since I was a little bird. I had no idea. Now, you know what I call that? Dirty fucking propaganda. I mean, see, unlike you, I think I'm a little bit more pro-vaccine, but I don't like the misinformation in this, because, you know, I've personally tried to get my anthropomorphic bird man friend to get vaccinated.

And he wasn't eligible. They are a hard market. Because he doesn't have an I-N-D. They try to spread all this inclusive stuff. But when it comes down to, in the practical terms, it's actually very hard to vaccinate these at-risk non-existent populations. When the pandemic first broke, I have this doll called Wawa, which I've had since about the age of two, I've rushed out to get him vaccinated. Because I would have thought he'd be like one eye.

Terribly old. And the doctor laughed at me. And so this is the thing. It's misleading to kids because getting vaccines is hard. But also completely unnecessary, I'd like to point out. And I'm not the only one who was very upset about Big Bird getting the jab, okay? Our good friend of the show, Ted Cruz, he immediately responded on Twitter and said, government propaganda for your five-year-olds.

Shake head. Shake head. And then when that tweet started blowing up and getting lots of people mad at Ted, he then said, liberals are weird. They don't care about open borders or rising inflation or schools covering up sexual assaults or the disaster of Afghanistan or tyrannical Dems violating medical privacy and freedom, but criticise Big Bird and they lose their shit. So, you know, Ted Cruz on myself.

Hold on. Inflation is very important to puppets. You know what, though, I think we need to all cut Big Bird a little bit of slack because nothing makes you want to protect yourself. more than being kidnapped, you know? He did. He had a rough year, didn't he? Yeah, he had a pretty rough year this year. Oh, yeah, that's right.

So he's come back from getting kidnapped, you know. Oh, I'd be quarantined. Yeah. And they've immediately putting them on the drugs. I'm not the, again, there's more tweets here that read, sorry, Alexa, Big Bird is a communist. Apologies. Liz Wheeler said, I'm not going to give my daughter the COVID Vax.

Sorry, Big Bird. Another tweet, brainwashing children who are not at risk from COVID. This is twisted, and my favourite one says, I never thought I'd have to tell my niece that Big Bird sold his soul to the CCP and is trying to hurt her. But here we are. Here we are, folks. Did he take Sinovac?

Did Big Bird get the Chinese? That would be amazing. What I want to know, though, was Big Bird the only one? Because I think if we're looking at at-risk populations in Sesame Street, we should be getting Oscar the Grouch, the man who lives in a bin. Oscar the Grouch is a Republican. Actually, Oscar the Grouch is, I'm not, I'm not shitting you here, Oscar the Grouch is canonically anti-vax.

What? I was going through the tweets. So what Sesame Street's doing at the moment, part of their filthy propaganda, is all of the monsters are currently tweeting about getting the Vax. And even though Oscar did get the Vax, he was very upset that it didn't make him extra grumpy. So, you know, you do respect Sesame Street for having the balance. Yes. Can't believe Dom has a burner account.

Sorry, Dom. Oh, he doesn't deserve it. I totally, like, agree with all these people because Sesame Street, it's just, it's a happy show about monsters and fairies and giant birds and a neighbourhood free of crime. I won't let it mislead my kids with vaccine information. Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by ASMR.

I will now reenact falling down some stairs. Ow! Ow! Oh my God. Why are there so many stairs in this house? How? Before we go, you know how you always hear about American states having these weird laws? Like, oh, you're not allowed to cross the street after midnight.

Oh, yeah. And when you turn 18, you can legally kill a pig in Arkansas. Yeah, yeah. I love that one. That sort of stuff. I think I've found the best one ever. And one of the fascinating things is that they were in a number of stuff. across the US until quite recently, and they are known as ugly laws.

Ugly laws. I'm intrigued? So basically, in many states of America, it was, until very recently, illegal to be ugly. Okay, but hold on. What's like the means of judging this? Like, who's making the decisions? So, say, let's pick up Chicago's ordinance. It read any person who is an unsightly or disgusting object

And is therefore improper To be allowed into the streets, highways, thoroughfares or public places Shall therein be... What, exiled? Exiled from public view. It must not expose him or herself to public view Under the penalty be a $1 fine for each offence. Hold on, wait a second.

The first sentence has a contradiction. It says any person who is a disgusting object. This is literally the plot of the hunchback and not to d'arm. Yeah, but Portland, Oregon had a similar one. New Orleans had one. This is awful. San Francisco, which is, you know, known for its liberty. But there's no, there's no, like, definition of what deems ugly or like?

Well, it's unsightly, unsightly, or disgusting. Okay, I wake up in the morning and I consider myself unsightly or disgusting. But the really fascinating is, guess when the last one was repealed? Guess how late it was? 2018? By do not by doll or not. Donald Trump would have fought against it. When did Charles leave the country?

See, I thought he was going to twist around to me because Charles has been finding ways to call me ugly since I was 16. I wasn't going to go there. I wasn't going to go there. It was only in front of the whole school. No, but didn't you leave America around 2010? No, this was, it was 1974, the year before I was born, with the last ugly laws repealed in Nebraska

and Columbus, Ohio, and Chicago was the last repealed in 1974. I mean, what was the logic? of these laws. Well, the logic actually went back to England, right? Oh, they've got some weird laws. Who brought in in 1729, they brought in the first laws against people who had physical disabilities or had disabilities that were acquired later in life and who appeared in public. That's horrible. Including limping. You weren't allowed to limber.

I mean, to be fair, if they'd kept that law on the statute books, Jimmy Saville, would have been stopped a lot earlier. Yeah. So, and I think back in the days, when it was thought that, you know, if you were ugly, then that must show that you had a bad character. Oh, that God had cursed you in some life. Oh, when the book could be judged by the cover. I do miss those days.

They were known as unsightly bigger ordinances, also dubbed ugly laws. Oh, this is what, I was trying to work out what the actual point was because I knew there'd be a subtext, and it was because they didn't like beggars. Yeah, they didn't like poor people. It's not that you're poor and smell,

it's that you're ugly. What a way to kick someone when they're down? I mean, I'm sure that there are very handsome vagrants. It's like the ultimate, it's not you, it's me, but it's the opposite. Like, it's not me, it's definitely you. We'd love to keep you on sleeping outside the shop. But you're too ugly. Out of town.

They probably got rid of the laws because there was a spate of really good looking beggars and they couldn't use them against these laws against the hot beggars. It's a great fan name. But then there was, imagine. also being the people to get rid of the laws. Like, imagine being part of that social movement. We want the rights for the ugly people. That'd be me.

That's the movement I'll lead. Sexy beggars, you're welcome in our town. I think we'd have signs up around our town saying sexy beggars are allowed to be here. Oh, look, I for one, am glad that Charles is doing his bit for this social movement by hiring the ugliest people to work for Chaser. I don't want to appearance shame, Charles. I just want to point out that at the age of 16, the pop. was calling the kettle ugly.

Our gears from road microphones were part of the ACAST to create a network. Please leave us review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading them, especially if they're a bit mean. But, I mean, don't call us ugly because we have mirrors. Catch you tomorrow. They're all broken.