The Chaser Report - Is Putin a Top or Bottom?

Episode Date: March 20, 2022

This episode contains sexual allegory and countless mentions of the word "butthole". John tries to unpack TikTok's war propaganda machine but gets derailed by his coworkers talking about their bums. It also contains political news like the PM assuming a state was lead by a man, and a COVID update, but honestly none of that is as interesting as Charles talking about his bum. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Monday the 21st of March and Lachlan had to mouth the month to me. So it's going well already. And I'm joined with Charles, Lachlan, John and me. Well, thanks for having us, Gabby. Can't believe you got Gabby on the podcast, Gabby. I just really bungled that.

How was your weekend, Gabby? Were you drunk at all? Just full of drugs. Just a pump full of heroin. Yeah, speaking of what people got up to on the weekend, Scott Morrison has been had a very busy weekend in West Australia. Oh, what's it been up to? He's been hanging out with Mark McGowan, the Premier over there,

doing lots of nice posts on Instagram. That's the strategy, because Mark McGowan's on about 90% isn't he? Yeah. And so the strategy of any politician going over there is to just try and get a photo up standing next to Mark McGowan and sort of go, see, he doesn't hate me. It's nice to know that politicians to promote themselves use the same strategy that we use to promote our shows,

which is get a photo with a famous Mark. House just happens to be Humphreys. Well, there wasn't just photos, luckily. He has also on a bunch of press conferences with Mark McGowan, and he's had none with the Liberal Party in W.A. There was some questions about that by some journalists. And I think we've demonstrated, despite being from different political parties,

that as professional leaders of governments we get stuff done together for Western Australia What about the state opposition Why aren't you meeting with the state opposition leader I did I saw, yeah I have

I saw Dr. Honey yesterday He's not the opposition leader Sorry I was just talking about the liberal leader I met with the liberal leader When I'm in town What the fuck is Dr. Huddy That's the question

I want to know Why was he seeing a doctor? I love the name Dr Honey because it sounds like a really shit bond villain. Sorry, is it honey or huddy? So the name of the head of the Liberal Party, the way, is Mia Davies. We surprised Scott Morrison when people said it out loud.

Oh. In fairness to Mark McGowan, though, my understanding is that the Liberal Party got essentially wiped out at the last election. Aren't there only two Lower House Liberal MPs in Western Australia? He just fucked it up. He like literally...

Yeah, isn't that all the more reason for him to have not fucked up the name? It's not as if he had to memorize a wide variety People are only two of them There is a guy called Dr. Honey Who is a guy Who is in Little Party But he's not he's not the leader

He's not the leader at all Oh no that's terrible That's hilarious And he's a man Yeah and no wonder who he was Everyone's like who the fuck is this Dr. Honey guy And I just Googled it Well he would be deputy leader

presumably if there's only two of them In fairness Wait what I'm hearing is The leader of the Liberal Party in W.A. is a woman, correct? Yeah, Mia Davies. Right, so he had to not only differentiate names, but differentiate the fact that Dr. Honey is a man he's talking about,

and he decided to name Dr. Honey instead of the woman in charge of the leader party, Mia. That's classic liberal party. Like, he's not going to see, if you're Scott Morrison, you see a man and a woman, and one of them is in charge of a company. Yeah. You've got to just assume it's the man. I just like to think that, like, if they won't know, Scott,

the liberal leader is Mia Dabee. And he went, well, that can't be right. Coming up on the show, I'm going to talk about how I've actually won against COVID. Ooh. And I'll be talking about the massive propaganda war going on on TikTok. But all that and more coming up after this with Rebecca Dayunamuno in the Chaser Newsroom. What's better than a well-marbled rib-eye sizzling on the barbecue? A well-marbled rib-eye sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully selected by an Instacart shopper and delivered to your door.

A well marbled ribai you ordered without even leaving the kitty pool. Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over-deliver. Scott Morrison has celebrated the birth of Premier Dominic Peretti's seventh child by gifting a newborn baby a forklift. The Premier was enthused by the gift,

as now that the child was well over a day old, it was well overdue to start working for the state's economy and making its father proud. Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin has celebrated the capture of a burnt-down husk of a city for the small, small price of a country's entire economy. Putin decided to mark the occasion by throwing the biggest party his nation could afford,

So he invited a whole four friends to lunch at Hungry Jacks. Finally, the United Australia Party have shifted their campaign model to begin running advertisements before videos on Porn Hub. The UAP's marketing team have stated that this decision was made when they realised it was the most efficient way to target their main voting demographic, Wankers. That's the latest headlines for The Chaser Report and I'm Rebecca Deunamuno, reminding you to install an ad blocker. So John, we've forced you to suffer by doing something terrible once again.

Apparently you're on TikTok this week. Yeah, I've been looking for the most up-to-date information on the war on Ukraine. Naturally. And so obviously I went to TikTok like everyone else has been. Yeah. Good, yep. Well, I've heard some people complaining about things like influencers taking clips from other wars and then claiming that it's Ukraine or doing live streams that are just

videos on loop. I shouldn't laugh, but that's, oh my goodness. I know, content stealing comes down to war content as well. It's like just the saddest sentence in the world. And then I was watching some memes making fun of Zelensky, the leader of the Ukraine. I don't understand the words in it because it's Russian. And it turns out Putin has also been doing propaganda on TikTok. There's been a whole widespread amount of videos of soldiers doing TikTok dances. and then there was a whole set of propaganda that was sent out to the public

reminding soldiers not to upload their own from their phone while on the front lines because that was giving away positions of them in battle because they were looking at TikTok videos just make sure you're filming on aeroplane mode I love it like what I'm curious about what's the song choice there like what are they dancing to

yeah maybe well sadly TikTok has kicked Russia off TikTok. Right. Which is a bit disappointing because of the means, but luckily, there is going to be more propaganda coming soon because the US government has announced a TikTok program where they're hiring influencers like Olivia Rodrigo to start making pro-war content.

This is 100% true. What do you mean? Like, what do you mean pro-war? I reckon they'll pay her more than 200 bucks. We should get on that day. I should get on that one. The pro-war. I'm actually just a huge.

huge fan of Olivia Rodriguez. I know, it's a really good pick. Like that's, that's, I would love a cover of Good for You. Oh, yeah, good for you, Crane War is really great. Fuck yeah, I love shooting guns, you know, like it'd be... So I thought that the best way to look forward to that is to look at what influences are doing right now about Ukraine. Sure.

And so, luckily, I found a really good explainer video for everyone online on TikTok so that people can understand what's going on there. Okay. realize that these gays have no idea what's going on. So I'm like, how can I explain this to them in a way that they'll understand? So here it is. Ukraine is a submissive bottom. I've seen this.

Russia is a dom top. They have been in a complicated relationship with each other for a long time. Until Ukraine decided that she wanted to be a strong, independent woman and she left Russia behind in 1991. Okay, that was 30 years ago. That's not really. No, that's a big. I'm really upset to say that I saw this video.

There is no way that that guy got paid to make that. Because you can tell by the way that he's saying it, that he genuinely thinks, you know what, this is going to explain the Russia-Ukraine contact to all the gays. Like, I think Gen Z should be commended on how politically engaged they are, but I just think they went too hard with this one. Well, like, my favorite part is when...

To diminish a war, to diminish a war to like, how do I make the youth understand it? Oh, who's a top, who's a bottom. So is Osama been like, like, if 9-11 had been around, like TikTok had been around during 9-11, would Osama have been the bottom or the top? In a submissive dot.

How does that work? Well, I think... The fact that he got rid of those erect towers. I think that would be more of like a... I reckon he's a submissive bottom. Osama or Bush? Osama, Osama, like, started up strong and then he went in here. Bush and the bush, so...

Push out the bush! Bush had the bush. Who are you fucking, Charles? Wait, I mean, my bottom doesn't have a bush. I don't understand. Why? Wait, hold on. It explains what is the side of the word.

Charles, are we finally going to use the word bussy in the podcast? Wait, do you understand what we're talking about when we say who's a bottom and who's a top? Do you know what that is? I presume it's like gay sex, is it? Yes. Yes.

Yeah, yeah. Yes. Right. So you might, it must understand, like, bottoms don't have bush, but your front does have bush. And so if you're a top, you'd have bush. If you're a bottom, you wouldn't have bush. Doesn't that make sense?

That makes subtle sense. It's really sad when Charles Firth is giving you a better sexual education than the entire of the public school system. Oh, fucking hell. I'm not sure it was better. I mean, you are a bit. Oh, am I? Why?

Because butthole hair exists. Because, yeah, hair exists all along. I mean, unless you're perfect. Do buttholes have hair? Not my butto. Hashtag, not my butthole. Save Ukraine. I'm fucking dying.

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The Chaser Report, less news, more often. So, Charles, apparently you've won. You've beaten COVID. Is this right? Yes, yes. Yeah, because the thing is, like, everyone's, been complaining about oh it's really hard you know oh my kids have COVID oh I got COVID yeah it's running around but I have actually worked out the way

to actually make it like a breeze right so what speed running it no way basically won the pandemic right what you've hacked the pandemic right you've got yeah exactly right and this is the tip this is my tip okay especially for parents right yeah So my kids both, in the last couple of weeks, they both have had COVID. And it was a bit of a disaster because actually my youngest, Angus got it first. And he had it for a whole week. And then on the very last day, just after he'd never got better. My second son, Hartley, the 13-year-old, got it and had another week, right?

Oh, man. Could have been a complete catastrophe, right? logistical headache. Yeah. And everyone in the household has to self-isolate. Just a nightmare. Yeah, every time someone gets... Except for the fact that on the day that Angus tested positive,

I went to Adelaide for two weeks. So literally, I have, with surgical precision, managed to completely avoid any problem. Like, it's just been the easiest two weeks in my life. Yeah, not only have you avoided, you know, COVID, you've also avoided parenting. which is like, that's a double win. I don't know.

Like, I ring up and, you know, FaceTime and everything like that. But I don't get infected. No. No. FaceTiming. Well, yeah. And then, you know, after a couple of minutes, hang up and just go about. There we go to a nice restaurant.

Yeah. It is the perfect time for your kids to get COVID because you're back. Because you're probably around the time that they're infectious period's over as well. Yeah, yeah, that's right. The last day was on Friday. So, and I got back today. and now my kids have had COVID. They won't infect me again for, you know,

they'll be immune for the next few months. Yeah. And so I've got nothing to worry about because the way you get COVID is from disgusting dirty kids. Hold on, though. We don't want to jinx this? I was just going to say, don't you also have to clean your entire house

and you have two teenage boys? No, no, no. Gabby, Charles doesn't have to do that. Oh, true. Because he's an Adelaide. Oh, okay, right. Because my wife, oh, yeah, that's the other thing. Just in case, an important part of the step is to have a wife.

Yeah, right. Who then looks after the kids. Yeah, no, kind of late. Two weeks where you're alive. So for me not to get COVID from my kids, I need to get a wife and get kids. Yeah. Damn. So did your wife?

I got the kids first. Did you? Did your wife get COVID? No, no. And partly that's because she's very good at, you know, cleaning everything up. So, yeah, by the time I got back. the house was spotless. It was really good.

I don't know whether you've hacked COVID or whether you just happen to have an incredibly proactive wife in your house. Like maybe a woman might have. Either way. Look, details, details. All right. I think, let's not go into too much detail.

I think this just reflects very well on me. I think that's the main point. That's my main takeaway. It does sound a lot like your solution is just, oh, if near COVID, don't be near COVID. Well, in some way, I'm actually exercising great personal responsibility, you know, by moving interstate for the two weeks that my kids had it. Whereas my wife, who, you know, admittedly has been complaining a little bit about all the hard work that she's been doing.

You know, she should have to exercise some personal responsibility. Oh. You know. It's their fault. If the kids just started looking after themselves when they were sick instead of, Instead of going to your wife, being like, oh, I'm a child and I'm sick. Oh, help me, dad. I don't know how to book my own vaccination because I'm a dumb, stupid kit.

That's their fault. Just pay attention in school. Yes. Because I should have just gone to Adelaide. Deserted all responsibility. Hop to flight. Well, what a day we've learned about buttholes. We've learned about COVID.

And it's been brought to you by a road microphone. and and those things also proud sponsors from the no and the a cast creator network that's what i mean what's the fucking line algear is brought to you by our gear is from road microphones and we are a part of the acast creator network and i guess this is a PSA check your buttholes never know what you might find in there oh there's here

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