The Chaser Report - Is this podcast a cake?

Episode Date: July 16, 2020

As bitcoin scammers take over Twitter, Charles deals with his own Facebook scammers. Dom looks at all the fines people are getting for breaching Covid rules and Nina asks is this cake? Plus the latest news you can't trust from Rebecca De Unamuno in the Chaser newsroom. 
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In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational, and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to The Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to The Chaser Report. Another huge week. I'm Charles Firth. We've got Dom Knight and Nina O'Yama here.

and guys, COVID is coming north. I mean, it was funny when it was in Melbourne, wasn't it? Like, that was actually just, that was something worth joking about. But now it's creeping north to Sydney and things are getting really serious. Horrifying. Horrifying. Oh, yeah, it's absolutely a moment of hubris as well, I reckon. I think this is what we get for making fun of Melbourne for so long and really enjoying,

you know, really taking the piece out of Victoria and now look at us, eating our words. Are you making any preparations for when Sydney goes into lockdown? No, I'm just planning to wing it. I think I'm going to, I think it's a terrible idea. I think I'm going to have to buy the weird pasta that, you know, costs $8 and his whole meal. You know, you know when you get there too late and it's all just like the crappy gluten-free? I've got like five packets of that. I'm fine.

I didn't eat any of the dried pasta I brought last time. I've still got like 50 rolls of toilet paper. So I'm fine. I could last for months here. It's not very happy. We've got some big news today, actually, because Twitter got hacked. Did you see that yesterday? Twitter got hacked, and all the blue ticks got taken out, including, like, it was everyone's

account, like Joe Biden got hacked, Barack Obama, Elon Musk, Bill Gates. Like, this is the tweet that Bill Gates sent out from the hackers. It was all Bitcoin. No, no, everyone is asking me. give back and now is the time. All Bitcoin sent to my address below will be sent back doubled. If you send $1,000, I will send you back $2,000. Only doing this for the next 30 minutes, enjoy. Would you, would you have fallen for that scam if you'd seen that tweet from Bill Gates? Absolutely not. It's in the, it's in the language of a scammer. They didn't even

try. They weren't, they weren't suave about it. Well, well, so far, they've been sent about $120,000 US dollars by people going, oh my God, yes, that sounds great. I think the big mistake, though, was doing the same hack to Kanye, because that was the most normal tweet he sent in months. Yeah, that's right. That was the real giveaway. But guys, I have some really self-aggrandizing news about this whole hacking thing, which is that, like, I wasn't affected by the Twitter hack, but I have achieved such a level of

celebrity and fame and career sort of acclamation that I too have been being impersonated online and people are doing scams. I learnt during the week. People are setting up fake Facebook profiles of me and then asking people for credit card details and people are sending fake me credit card details and people are being scammed in my name. Is that not a career highlight? I'm very confused, Charles, because since I've known you, which is dating back to to our teens, you've been running weird businesses and asking people for money. Like, this seems less implausible than when you were selling people of personal computers back in high school.

I think I'd trust the scammers over you to deliver a working computer. Well, this is the thing. Like, I don't know why they think that people would trust me, like my name to send me. Would you ever trust, if I sent you a thing asking for my credit card details, would you trust me, Nina with them? Obviously not. But I do think that's interesting. If you have been running little scams and schemes since high school, I mean, how do we know this isn't another scam? How do you know you reporting on this scam? It's just too many people have given you too much money. That's true, Nina. No, this is the whole thing. This is my idea, guys, which is, I'm going to get in

on the scam. Like, this is the perfect crime, right? Because, you know, if people are sort of being sent credit card details in my name, I should just set up, you know, profiles in my name, get people to scam, like scam credit card details out of people. And then if they turn around and say, hang on, you've been doing a scam, I'll just say, no, no, that must be one of the fake profiles. It's nothing to do with me. That's just a sort of thing. It's the perfect crime. I can just get away with it. I think there's a flaw in your logic, Charles, which is that there's an assumption here that there are people in the community who have such respect and trust. of you that upon receiving a request for money, the credit card details, they're actually

paying you. I mean, okay, people are trying to impersonate you and get money. It's not yet clear, but that anyone has, other than perhaps your mother or other relatives. No, no, my mom doesn't trust me with her credit card details. I can assure you that. I mean, the last time you were scamming on a credit card, you actually used your credit card to start the chase of newspaper. Yes. And that was a financial disaster. You still paying that one off. So I don't think this is going to work further. I'm really sorry. Coming up on the show, we're looking at the palace letters that we revealed this week and what else is coming up? Nina, what are you doing? Well, I'm having a look at cakes and trying to figure out what is a cake and what is not a cake. Whereas I'm looking

at all of the people in Victoria, New South Wales who've been fined for busting the COVID rules. And I've got to say, some of them are pretty ridiculous. But first, let's go to Rebecca Day and Minow for all the Chaser News headlines. Melbourne residents facing toilet paper shortages have resorted to using the Herald Sun newspaper instead after discovering it was the perfect substitute because it was already full of shit. The Star Casino in Sydney has filed for bankruptcy after it was hit with a $5,000 fine

for breaching public health orders. The Star, which makes billions of dollars out of punters each year, said it simply couldn't afford such a large fine that represents a whopping 0.000000000000000000-1% of hourly revenue. A judge in New York has delivered Jeffrey Epstein's accomplice Galang Maxwell a death sentence after he denied her bail

and ordered her to return to herself. That's the latest chaser headline. Thanks, Bick. Hey, Bick, sorry I can't make it to dinner on Friday. I've just got a heap of work to do. Oh, that's all right, I understand. Hey, Nina, would you like to come over instead? Oh, yeah, thanks, Beck.

I'd love that. Can I bring a date? Yeah, yeah, the more the merrier. I'm free on Friday too. Awesome. Oh, yeah. Sorry, Dom. It's just a small thing. Not really enough room at my house. Oh, fair enough. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. The Chaser Report this week is brought to you by the Crossroads Hotel, Sydney's biggest COVID cluster.

I went there last week and had a fully sick time, figuratively and literally. It has been a pretty bad week for COVID-19 in Australia, Charles and Nina. Infections are rolling out. Clusters are happening all over the place. And the government's trying to stop these outbreaks by introducing some pretty tough fines. And in Victoria, the sort of epicenter of all this at the moment, they've issued $880,000 worth of fines people doing the wrong things. And I thought what we might do is look at some of the reasons why people have been breaking

the rules, heading outside, doing all the things you're not meant to do, and see if they're really worth the risk on reflection. And let's start in Victoria, where some people have been fined for meeting to play poker. Does that make sense to either of you? Either of you poker fans who do want to do that? No. No.

I do have a poker face, though, just completely emotionalist all the time. Resting poker face, that's really useful. That is very useful. Do you want to come to a poker night? I will, and I'll watch. I haven't actually tried it out while playing poker. So maybe it's just an everyday poker face. during poker, I would have many expressions.

Some people were playing poker, which is pretty lame, but other people were playing Pokemon Go, the location-based video game from about three or four years ago. They were going out to play Pokemon Go and they got fine for that too, which is the Lamer activity, poker or Pokemon Go? Well, see, that is a trick question, right? Because normally you'd say, well, Pokemon Go is for nerdy losers. But then you think, well, actually, poker is for middle-aged balding nerdy losers.

So in actual fact, I think it's worse to be playing poker than Pokemon Go, don't you think? What do you reckon, Nina, is anyone still playing Pokemon Go? Is it still a thing? Well, I think Pokemon Go is definitely cooler. And also, the slogan is got to catch them all. And I just feel like you catch the coronavirus, you know, it's just like a Pokemon in some ways. I catch every strain. Oh, yeah.

Got to catch them all. Corona. I feel sorry for these two dorks, though, because the rules, and I looked at the rules, they say you can leave lockdown for exercise in the state of Victoria. That's allowed with one other person, like a personal trainer. Isn't being a Pokemon trainer exercise, surely. Yeah, well, when it first came out about 15 years ago,

yes, Pokemon Go was a great way to get your kids out of the house and exercise. But it's 2020. No one's played Pokemon Go over about three years. years. In New South Wales, crispy cream donuts have gotten into a bit of trouble. For some reason, they decided during the middle of all of this to give away free donuts to anyone born between March and July. And I can see what they're thinking, you know, you didn't have a proper birthday.

Now you can. They're giving away 350,000 donuts. But who would have thought huge cues have followed? And there was even a huge traffic jam in Penrith for this. Do you think it's worth risking COVID for a crispy cream donut? Well, I mean, I think it's worth risking coronavirus for a donut, but not for a crispy cream donut, because they're not really donuts, are they? They're sort of these things that have...

What are you talking about? They're amazing donuts. They're exactly what a donut is. They're glazed. How old are you? How old are you? That's such a rude question, Charles. How old are you?

How much do you weigh? I'm like 44. Hang on. Just kidding. I think you, I don't think you remember. But I think you don't remember a time when there used to be proper donut shops in Sydney. Fresh cinnamon one. Yeah, like Donut King.

That's not a real donut shop. Where they'd freshly, you know, fry them in front of your face. And then you'd eat them and you'd burn the top of your mouth. That's what a proper donut is. Not this bloody sort of like three months on the shelf style glazed bullshit from America. No, I only eat donuts that come in a pizza box. that's my rule I do think it has like kind of brought me back to a time what was it 2006 when crispy cream donuts first became a thing yes people used to fly in a state

together yeah they were super coveted that's right so I do remember a time before Krispy Kreme Donuts right okay yeah but you're about you're a toddler so yeah I was I was very young I'm actually 18 right now so you know no I'm 26 um death is coming Because do you remember Charles, where's so much older than you, back at uni, they opened a donut king in the middle of campus, and my current obesity dates to that. At that very day. Very moment in the mid-90s. I think we know your answer to the question.

Would you rather get coronavirus or eat a donut? It's clear to see where your priority is like. I actually didn't realize this was about, you know, celebrating the birthday. I thought this was just a plot to kill off a quarter of the population of Sydney. by sort of giving them more coronavirus going, here, donut, donut, donut, donut, donut, don't it. Look, it may be. It may be. I don't know what the evil corporate masterminds

behind Krispy Kreme be thinking. I mean, it's probably as faster to kill them with COVID than with their sugar. So if you're a Krispy Kreme, you know, this has kind of backfired a bit. What should they have done instead? And if you're a Krispy Kreme, what's the appropriate action at this point? Yeah, we'll get them for Christmas. If people are that tempted to get a Krispy Kreme, I think that they should be, you know, used as a reward.

So if you get the COVID test and you get your nose all penetrated and stuff, then as a reward afterwards, you get a little donut to make it feel better. That is a genuinely good idea. It's got no place on this podcast, but they should actually do that. That's a really good idea. Yeah, because then people would actually get tested and it would stop the spread. Although I think the police would just end up confiscating all the donuts. Yes, because police love donuts.

Now, speaking of deep fried and healthy things, KFC has been hugely popular in Victoria during this period. reason the lockdown just made everyone crave fried chicken. One guy sat down in a restaurant. He was there, he got takeaway, and then insisted on eating it in the restaurant, refused to leave until after he finished his food, even after the police were called. What do you think he was thinking? Why was he so determined to eat KFC in the restaurant? I think he was just trying to do a live muckbang, you know, and you can't do that with an audience of one. You need, you need at least four police officers and a couple of servers there in order to, you know, to get the full audience you deserve for eating an ungodly amount of food.

My thought was, um, he was just waiting for the refresher tail at the right moment. No, I think, I think, have you ever eaten in at a KFC? It's got a very attractive ambiance. I think you don't want to be rushed out of there. You want to sit back, relax and enjoy, you know, and after you've enjoyed the menu, you want to let the oil seep through you. You don't want to just rush out the door. That's very true for a full gourmet experience.

But actually the biggest fine and the most impressive work by police happened in Dandenong in the outskirts of Melbourne where two people went into a restaurant, a KFC restaurant at 1.30 in the morning, ordered 20 KFC meals to take away. But there were also some ambos in the store who saw this happen, tipped off the police. The cops followed their car to a KFC birthday party. and there are a group of people far more than are allowed having a party and the cops turned up following the car all the people tried to hide in the backyard and under beds that all got busted and the total fines were $26,000 or a KFC run in the middle of the night what do you think a KFC delivery is worth

is it in any circumstance worth 26 grand to have the colonels herbs and spices look I'm going to hedge a bet if they are getting KFC at 1.30am, these people are probably engaged in some interesting substances that would possibly make people quite hungry. And I think that, yeah, it probably was worth the $26,000 for those people. Yeah. I can totally imagine being stoned just going, you know what I'd spend $26,000 on? KFC right now. Yeah, KFC was probably the least illegal substance that they had. You know, it was funny. those 20 boxes were just for one guy. Have you ever been to a KFC birthday party, but I know that Mackers has them and is there

a KFC birthday party? Is that a thing? There used to be. I remember going to one when I was about six years old and I'd never had KFC before and I've never had KFC since. I would go to a KFC birthday party. Although now I'm a vegetarian, so I don't think I'd have a great time. They have coleslaw and they've got mashed potatoes.

No, there's chicken in those two things. Oh, no. I guess the gravy's not really vegetarian. But I did, I had a toothache recently and I did eat a bunch of KFC mashed potato. So that was, you know, it's good for when you're in pain. You're no longer a vegetarian, Nina. I'm sorry. We're not under lockdown here, the three of us, but we probably will be soon.

What situation or food or whatever? What would be worth breaking lockdown for, do you think? Oh, well, don't I, King, surely. If there was any left. Well, I'm a woman of refined taste, so I would have to say a croak and bush. If I got a free croaking bush for my birthday and I had to line up in a queue of a couple of hundred people I would do it straight up.

I love a profiter roll. It would cost you 26,000 too. No, well actually I reckon they probably wouldn't find you if you were getting a crock and bush because you'd show how upper class and sophisticated you were. You'd just be let off with a warning. It's like how police who test people for cocaine in the eastern suburbs don't prosecute.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just get your crock and bush dealer on to it. The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. Need a break? Have a schooner after work at the Crossroads Hotel in Kassula and you'll end up on a two-week break in compulsory quarantine. The Crossroads Hotel. Dom and Charles, I don't know if you saw this week,

but BuzzFeed Tasty, which is the food offshoot of BuzzFeed, shared a video that showed everyday objects being cut into and then revealing that inside they were cakes. Yes, I saw the video. video of people slicing ordinary everyday objects and then they cake it's so weird it's the weirdest thing have you seen it dom this was one of the greatest moments of my life i mean just to think that all the ordinary dull objects in my life might be actually cake if i sliced them open and i've started slicing about halfway through all the object in my entire house with a very sharp knife

so far no cake but i reckon there's one somewhere i'm looking at the dog very suspiciously i think the dog could be cake. How did it make you feel? Because I feel like I had a bit of an existential crisis when I was watching this because I was like, anything could be cake. And it kind of made me like reflect on the world in a way that like everything is a bit uncertain. It's like nothing that we know is real.

Maybe that was all the mushrooms I had. Maybe we're in a cake version of the matrix. We're like in the cake tricks and in some sort of weird vat of goo inside a cake. Yeah. To me, it was more about, like, who, like, so much effort was put into these cakes to make them look so real. Like, like, you know, surely they can cure COVID or something with the amount of effort and skill that went into that sort of thing. Like, it seems like such a strange thing to do. But yes, I agree.

It was sort of mind-blowing at how realistic these things were. It's a positive message to me. It's a message that says there is more. cake in the world than you think. And right now, that's a message I'm Kendi here. Me too. So I've actually been studying cakes in general. And by studying cakes, I mean I've been eating a lot of cake lately, which makes me a

cake expert. I've actually made a quiz asking what is a cake and what isn't a cake to see if you guys can tell what is a cake and what isn't a cake. You just have to answer yes or no. Right. And do we get to see them or do you just? Oh, no. This is just purely conceptual.

Okay. Right. Perfect for podcast media. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's do it. You can imagine these things as cakes if it helps. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so first question, is a pizza a cake? I think it is, in a way.

Yeah, you bake it, it's round, it's delicious. Yeah, pizza's a cake. Yeah, that is correct. And that was obviously a super easy question, but a pizza is a salty cake. Second question, is a dog a cake? A dog. Well, I've certainly seen cake.

that looks like a dog, very realistic. So I'm going to say, yes, a dog is a cake. My dog produces cakes on a regular basis when I walk him. I'm not quite sure. Have you ever tasted them? Not yet, but I'm going to cut anyone right after this. Charles, you are wrong. A dog is not a cake.

If you cut them, they will die. Unlike a cake, dogs are not alive. Sorry, Charles. A hundred points from Charles. I just got to do a caveat real quick. This quiz is not really based off any of the official cake videos. It's pretty much just my opinion of what's cake and what's not. So I just want to flag that.

Okay, next question. Number three is a smile a cake. I've seen a cake that's a smile, but I don't know if it works in reverse. But then again, when people smile at me, I assume it's not real. That's just the kind of person I am. I'm not worth smiling at. So, yeah, I think smile is a cake. Oh, my God, correct.

Smiling is the cake. What? Yep, because smiling releases endorphins in the body, and so does eating a cake. Great work, Dom. Charles, pick your game up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, question four, this one's for Charles. Is cake a cake a cake?

Is cake a cake? Well, that's easy. Of course it's a cake. Yes. Incorrect. This was actually a trick question. I was talking about the band cake and they're a musical group and therefore not a cake. Sorry, but bands and musicians cannot be cakes, and that is a rule.

Okay, next question for Charles, time to redeem yourself, is Cupcake a Cake? Oh, that's tricky. Well, I mean, it's got the name Cake in it. Yes, I think it is definitely a cake. You're also wrong. This was another trick question, as I was referring to Cupcake, the musician who is famous for covering the meme song, Old Town Road. Also, a cupcake, it's kind of like a failed cake, isn't it? Like, it's not as big and as moist.

It's kind of like a muffin that they put icing on the top of. I don't like cupcakes. Yeah, it's like a fancy muffin. And as everyone knows, a muffin, not a cake. Sorry to muffins. Okay, question six. For Dom, is a shoe a cake? I think it is in that if you eat a shoe, it will make you sick as with cake.

You're incorrect, Dom, because you don't put cake on your feet. And you might say, but Nina, in the video, there is clearly a pair of crooks moonlighting as cake. And to that, I say crooks are not shoes. They are an abomination of man. That's true, Dom. You got that one wrong. This is hard. Well, it's not easy, just like life.

Okay, question seven. Is a scented candle a cake? A scented candle. Okay. So this brings you joy and it lights up your life just like cake does. So yes, it is a cake. Yes, you are correct. Yes.

Good work. First point for Charles. Amazing. Was my logic correct? Yes, the answer is they are a cake because they smell good and are calming and do you know what else smells good cakes see i i've got the hang of this quiz i think it's a piece of cake don't you put candles on cake for birthdays does then is the candle then cake at that point it's what i call a cake extension right they're designed purely to make

the cake tall and hotter okay now this is my final question for both of you we all know that toilet paper is a cake this is a well-known fact as it is one of the first high hyper-realistic cakes that gets cut up in the infamous cake-cutting video. However, if toilet paper is a cake, is a butt also a cake? It's as tasty as a cake? Oh, that comment takes the cake. Look, I don't know. Look, no, I don't think a butt's a cake.

This is a stupid quiz. I hate this quiz. No, it's not a cake. It's a fucking butt. That's what it is. Charles, your butt is a cake. Dom, you're correct. And Charles, you are wrong.

A butt is. a cake because you can eat it. That's the end of the cake quiz. Thanks for playing. Thank you, Nina. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. Do you enjoy Melbourne-style coffee and laneways? At the Crossroads Hotel in Casuala, we've got the authentic Melbourne's drain of COVID-19. Coming today for the superior coronavirus. Well, that's the end of the show. Oh, but wait a minute, we've got some breaking news. from Rebecca Day inamuno. The niece of Donald Trump

has kept a series of scandalous revelation secret from the president by hiding them in a book. Mary Trump said that publishing them in a thick 600-page book was the perfect way to keep Donald Trump from ever finding out about them. Thanks, Beck. Remember to check us out online at chaser.com. You find us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

And yes, I am going to mention it. I've been criticised on. line during the week for going on about our TikTok account. But it still exists. So, you know, I'm going to mention it. Yeah, cut it and you'll find that it's cake. Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

And remember to leave us a five-star review on Apple iTunes or whatever to, you know, boost our ratings and things like that. I heard somebody, I heard another podcast during the week saying, remember to leave us a five-star review. So I thought that's a good way to, you know, get up our ratings. Just lie. Please just lie for us. And subscribe to it in your podcast app of choice. Thanks to our producer, Mike Liberali.

Actually, we're just going to leave you with a very special promotion that I'm pleased to announce here today. Hi, I'm Charles Firth. And not some fake profile online that scammers have set up to scam you. I'd like to introduce you to my new Not a Scam scheme. The way it works is easy. Just wait for me to direct message you. Then once we've got chatting, I'll ask you for your credit card details. It's that simple.

Don't worry, because I'm the real Charles Firth, and not any of the fake ones, it's all completely legitimate and not a scam. The legitimate Charles Firth, not a scam scheme. Send me your credit card details today.