The Chaser Report - Is Trump Okay?

Episode Date: October 15, 2020

Donald Trump is cured and he's fine. He's great. He's IMMUNE. But is he okay? NSW gets a sexy sex scandal. And Nina talks about how she's taken up a new hobby. Plus Bec De Unamuno with all the news you can't trust.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably, reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Charles Firth and with me today are Nina O'Ma. Hello. And Dom Knight.

Hello. Oh, God, I've got Larititis. I'm sorry. Dom, you sound terrible. I can't afford not to work. Are you in a gig economy? Are you sure you don't have COVID? I actually got a test.

We'll get to that later. Oh, really? Yeah, it was quite a messy experience. Oh, good. I'm so glad to hear. So, but the big news this week, of course, wasn't about Trump getting back on the campaign trail. Which we'll talk about.

Or, and it wasn't about, I don't know, whatever else we're talking about. It was the iPhone got released. The new iPhone got announced. The iPhone 12. Are people excited? Are people going to buy it? Hell yes.

Are you going to vote? I'm in the queue. I'm going to line up. I'm going to camp out. It's going to be very long queue this year because it'll have to be socially distanced. Oh, that's so true. Well, that's good.

Hopefully it goes past Marrickville and I don't even have to go too far. Why are you going to, what's exciting about this? How does Apple do it? How does it? It's got less holes. And that just makes me happy. I'm like, less ways that I can, that things can get inside. Is that how they marketed it?

I think they've really gone downhill in their marketing since Steve Jobs died. The new iPhone has less holes. Yeah, that's what I'm about. I'm 100% getting it because it has 5G and I'm so excited about incredibly fast phone internet. In the event that A, 5G actually works and has coverage, that'll be a while. And B, COVID ends and we can actually leave the Wi-Fi at our house. But like in that, if that ever happens, I'm going to be ready. But it'll never happen because 5G causes corona, don't.

And also, judging by your voice, you already have coronavirus. You don't need another thing to get it. Oh, is it my new iPhone that's caused this shit. This is a disaster. Now, coming up on the show, I'm going to talk about a really fascinating topic, which is New South Wales politics. Get ready for some sexy news. Like, actually.

And premieres shag And, Dom, you're going to be talking about COVID, of course. Yes, we've got a COVID watch. And I'm going to ask you guys, is Donald Trump well? Well, not. No. Like scientifically. And that's the end of the segment.

And Nina? And I talk about the time I got explosive diarrhea in the middle of a jog. And I'm sorry in advance for this entire story. But let's go to Rebecca Danumino with the Chase and News headlines. Ferragiklian says she will not step down as New South Wales Premier, despite wiretap recordings in which she asks her former lover not to tell her crucial information about his corrupt deal. William tells me we've done our deal.

That's good. I don't need to know about that bit. When told that it was against the law to willfully remain ignorant of corruption in order to avoid having to report it, the Premier said that she didn't need to know that bit. Concerns have been raised about Donald Trump after he attended a rally in Florida and in a roid-fueled frenzy started ranting about how he wanted to kiss everyone.

I'll walk in there, I'll kiss everyone in that audience. I'll kiss the guys and the beautiful women and everybody. I'll just give you a big fat kiss. After hearing that the president wanted to kiss men, Vice President Mike Pence has immediately called for Trump to be sent off to camp for conversion therapy. Lex Luther has endorsed Donald Trump for president. It follows news the Taliban had endorsed him in the upcoming U.S. elections.

All eyes are now on which way the Wicked Witch of the West goes. That's the latest Chaser news. Checkoutchaser.com.com.com for more updates. Thanks, Beck. Hey, Beck, are you going to buy the new iPhone? I don't really need one. Yeah. My old phone is perfectly good as it is.

Same. And there's nothing really special about the new one. Oh, couldn't agree more. It would be a total waste of money. And it's bad for the environment to just consume, consume, consume, every time there's just a tiniest upgrade. Yeah, so you're going to skip this year then? No way. I'll be first in line.

Yes, I'm here. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. This episode of The Chaser Report is proudly sponsored by the new Apple iPhone, now with 5G, which definitely causes COVID-19. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. Now, I'm going to talk about. about New South Wales politics for a minute.

Right, I'm out of here. See you later. Well, it's not just about that. It's just that everyone else in Australia also hates New South Wales. Yeah, for good reason. Yeah. So, but hear me out because there's a bit of a sexy, sex, sex scandal going on in New South Wales. A sex scandal in Gladys Berwick-Lines, New South Wales.

Who's involved? It couldn't possibly be her. It involves her. It involves the highest leader in the law. Land. Gladys Berrigalian. Oh my God, step down, Gladys. But not only is it sexy, it also raises broader philosophical questions. I love a sexy ethical problem.

Let me run you through the story. So it started on Monday. And when she, so Gladys had to confront ICAC, like you had to testify in front of ICAC. And that's like the corruption commission in New South Wales, right? And the first thing, straight out of the bag, is she confessed that, you know, because they're investigating this corrupt guy called what... Darryl McGuire. And she just immediately confessed that they were in a quote-unquote close personal relationship.

I mean, who among us does not shagged a Darrell at some point down the road? God knows I have. You never forget your first Darrell. Yeah. I'd say they could have just been really good friends. Oh, like, that hugged a lot, right? Yeah, but maybe they just, like, had coffees, do you think? They had coffees.

Yeah, maybe they just were really good friends that held hands. Close personal relationship. Yeah. That sounds like innocent, doesn't it? It's so romantic to just talk about your partner as a close person. Like, I weren't married because surely after a few years, because it went on for five years, they wouldn't have been in any way close. I like that it took, like, a federal, like, ICAC to get her to admit to dating this man.

I bet like all her friends were like, so Gladys, who are you dating? And she's like, no one right now. And they're like, oh, but you know, that guy, Daryl, he like comes over quite a long. She's like, here, no. And then Ikech's like, were you dating, like, Darryl? That's why Ikech started wiretapping her to find out who she was dating. I want you to hear some of the sort of steamy flirting that they recorded on the wiretap. Oh, God.

Just get to catch a little. grab of this. Yeah, I've been doing my books, my towns. Yeah. Counting my tax recent. Good. That's excellent. Given the size of it, it'll take you all weeks, found it all.

Now, Nina, if your lover told you that they'd been doing their books. Hang on. And then she said, given the size of your books, it's probably been taking your way. What kind of... Oh, man, this makes me feel so bad for her that she's just. like this sad nerd that can only do sex talk through accounting metaphors. That makes me so sad. Was it actual tax return or was it like, I'm going to fail you?

On a scale of one to hot, how hot is, you know, using accounting metaphors? Like, is that part of your repertoire? Absolutely fucking not. I'm not a nerd. I'm not a nerd. Tom, you're pretty boring. I talk about PNV action, baby. What?

No, I'm just kidding. You have a deductible of some kind. That's why no one wants to. sex talk with me. Dom, you're pretty boring. Yeah. Have you ever stood to talking about your tax return? Defend yourself, man.

Have I? Ever stooped to talk about my tax return. Well, Flurting, you know, to flirt. Is that how you picked up, you're making so many assumptions here. First is that I would be flirting. Secondly, that I would have anything to say other than just stammering. I think that I don't have that level of game.

I doff my cap to Daryl and Gladys. That was pretty important. I can't do that. I actually took notes during that conversation. Okay. I actually have a very small tax return that women wouldn't be impressed with. So, yeah, sorry. Sorry, guys.

Sorry, ladies. It's what you do with your tax return that counts. Anyway, so far so good. Bit of innocent accounting-based flirting. Those poor fuckers. But then, but then this happens. And the good news is William, William tells me we've done our deal. So hopefully that's about half of all that gone now.

That's good I don't need to know about that bit No you don't You do not No So the deal that he was talking about Was a dodgy land deal Where he made about

$1.5 million In fact it was so dodgy That had she known about the deal It would have been the law That she would have had to have acted upon it Right Wow And she knows it's dodgy

She said I don't need to know about that Right I just I mean just listening to that guy Doesn't he just sound like the biggest dead shit? Like, I, I have to you. I got a teal. I got a teal.

It kind of reminds me of you, Charles. Anyway. And she's, her responses, like, for both clips had been like, yep, yeah. Look, she's not into, I don't know. It makes him uncomfortable. Okay. So, well. She's like, I don't need to know about that bit.

She's very, she's one, she's given one word answers here. Yeah. Straight bat. Well, so what would your, so your testifies, say you're gladys and you're on the stand, Nina. What would your excuse be for having said that? I don't need to know that. What would you say? Look, who in the throes of love has not committed some corruption and some crime and some tax code?

Who has it? Who among us has not concealed a dirty property deal right next to the New Western Sydney Airport? Who hasn't? You're saying political party. When you're having a lover's twist, you don't know. You don't know. I mean, all is fair in love and tax fraud and property development next to an airport. That's what I've always said.

That is not what, it probably shows Nina why you're not a politician. But to be fair, I mean, he's such a dead shit, right? Once he starts talking about his deals, wouldn't you just say, no, mate, I don't want to know. Just shut up. It's just boring. Yeah. I would have been like, stop talking about your deals. Stop talking about your deals.

And start talking about your duke. So boring. No, you are correct. That is exactly what, that was her excuse. She said, actually, the reason why I didn't need to know about it in this very specific way that I just told him was actually just because she was bored. And she just ended up spending the rest of ICA casting shade on her ex.

I mean, that is plausible. I love this. I'm not saying she's out of the wood, but I'm just saying that guy is a boring dead shit. Like, we can all agree on that. Well, yes, because it sort of lines up with his character. Listen to what she said. I probably would have, firstly, not regarded as interesting to me. It was not something I paid particular attention to.

And I would have also potentially regarded as more pie in the sky and speculation. That's like you. So she was interested in the tax return anecdote. But she wasn't interested in the multi-million dollar deal he'd just landed anecdote. Like, that's what she's saying. I do love a woman just shutting down a man for being boring. It's funny in any context to me. That's right.

Look, I think it's clear that she's got a go. She needs to go or at least be, you know, promoted into federal cabinet. Yeah. But Charles, hasn't she been punished enough by happy to listen to that dead shit talking about property deals for the past five years? Yeah, probably. The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. Now, Charles Nina, it's time to take a look at the disease that's ruining everything for a segment we call. COVID watch.

And our big question this week is a very simple one. The world's most famous COVID-19 patient, Donald Trump. He went to Walter Reed Hospital as we discussed, as Nina mentioned in the last episode of the podcast. But he now claims to be back and fine and all. good, a miracle cure, and he claims now to be healthier than Joe Biden and able to go anywhere and do anything he wants. My question for you, very simple. I've got some evidence for you. I want you to rule, is he okay or not? Of course, I mean by Donald Trump standards. Yeah, yeah. He's no way okay. All right, first exhibit to present to you is his first rally back.

Have a listen to this. Let me know if he sounds okay. Trump claiming immunity went back out on the road for a rally in Florida, feared by medical professionals to be yet another super spreader event in the making. He threw masks out to the crowd but didn't advocate wearing them. Many others in the crowd were not and were crammed together. I don't think he's okay. At the crowd that he's touched and they're not putting them on. Is he all right?

Hang on. So he's touched these masks and you want people to breathe them in. And in another event when no one's wearing masks. Does this seem like the actions of an okay man? It's like a COVID confetti cannon. Yeah, I mean, yeah. I mean, by Trump standards, it's fairly du rigour, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, don't forget he was when he visited Puerto Rico, who was just like throwing supplies to the toilet paper and stuff.

So that's pretty standard so far. But that's how he treats shithole countries, which America is. So good work, Donald Trump. All right, Exhibit 2. There was a very strange episode of the Tucker Carlson show on Fox News where he was interviewed by a doctor who actually seemed, frankly, more credible than the White House doctor. He didn't seem to be an osteopath.

Anyway, have listened to this and see if Trump sounds okay. Where do you think you got the virus? At what point do you think you contracted it, looking back? You know, I don't know. They had some big events at the White House and perhaps there. Numerous people have contracted it. but, you know, people have contracted it all over the world.

It's highly contagious. That's one thing you learn. This is a contagious disease. So in October, having been warned about this in January, as we now know, he realizes it's an infectious disease. Is this a man who is on the right track to recovery? He's a quick study, isn't he? He's a fight.

Hey, he went to COVID school. Yeah. It was where he learned all about COVID at the real COVID school. COVID University. Yes. The COVID University of life. Not a, you know, a science-based university. Not your book learning.

Yeah. If it's not in your own bloodstream, you can't understand it. Yes. So did he sound okay to you there? What do you think? Yeah, he sounded all right. He sounded fairly, I think he sounded Trump, didn't he? I mean, I think he's back, isn't he?

He's back. Now, calling into Fox News, he's basically every five seconds since he got out of there, he's been on Fox News. There was even the Fox News business channel for a very, very long, spontaneous chat on the phone. And here's what he said. It looks like I'm immune for, I don't know, maybe a long time or maybe a short time. It could be a lifetime.

So he's immune potentially for an unspecified amount of time. Could be a short time, could be a lifetime. Which could also be a short time. Yeah. Or any would be in between. Why would you say this? We just found out that reinfection has happened for the first time in the United States. Oh, it has.

Yes. Because the disease mutates. So you can actually get it several times and even people that have had it. like they have lingering problems. Like they can't taste food. I watched a woman drink a whole, she just ate a whole like Nessette Cafe Blend 43 tub because she was like,

it just tastes like dirt because I've had COVID and I can't taste anything. You'd be up for a whole week, wouldn't you? Yeah, if she's had COVID, she can live through anything. I've actually got a theory about why Trump keeps on saying he's got immunity, which is that's exactly what he's hoping for.

He's hoping for immunity from prosecution. Roger, he gets unelected in three weeks time. If Ivanka becomes the ex-president, she'd get a pardon. So the conversation continued. It got slightly wackier after that promising start. I even feel good by the fact that, you know, the word immunity means something. Having really a protective glow. A glow.

A glow. I think that's the orange makeup, guys. Yeah. Is he in a protective glow? I think it's the seroids talking. I was like, you know, the first story. I was like, you know, the first story. I was like, you know, General Trump stuff, that'd make sense.

But this one, I'm just like, it's, you can hear it kicking in. Yes, it's good shit, man. I want some dexamethosone. So this clip is talking about Trump's plans for a big event returning to the White House. It was reported by Maggie Haberman of the New York Times. It's quite something. He had a much more theatrical appearance planned when he left Walter Reed Medical Center. The president reportedly wanted to rip open his shirt to reveal a Superman costume underneath.

New York Times reports he wanted to. to fake looking frail and then surprise everyone by tearing apart his shirt revealing the Superman emblem Oh, oh, is she done that? I imagine he's limping? You're thinking he's really frail,

he's still really sick and then he goes, surprise everybody! I'd rips open his shirt, the big red ass. It would have been like Willy Wonka, you know, the Italian chocolate factory with Gene Hack, you know, not Gene Wilder, yeah.

Yeah, where he, he pretends to be frail and then he does a forward role. Welcome to a world of pure imagination. See, he's a TV president. He knows how to do it. He really is from another planet. I'm just sad coronavirus wasn't his kryptonite. Yeah, do you think the S stands for super spreader?

Yeah. So, look, that's a bit more troubling, though, isn't it, that one? Yeah, that's getting there, isn't it? I've got one more piece of evidence for the court, okay? This is another rally, a much bigger rally than on where he's throwing masks into the crowd. I want to know, does this sound like Donald Trump is back as his old self? This is him addressing a very large crowd. I feel so powerful.

I'll walk into that audience. I'll walk in there. I'll kiss everyone in that audience. I'll kiss the guys and the beautiful women and everyone. I'll just give you a big fat kiss. Bro, his drugs have kicked the fuck in. But hey, kissing men, LGBT community. assemble?

Yes. Hello, a queer president, I stand. The Chaser Report, now with extra whispers. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by the new Apple iPhone, perfectly designed, just like their tax avoidance schemes. The Chaser Report, more news, less often. So you guys, have you ever found out that you're allergic to anything? No, I'm not allergic.

You're not allergic to anything, Dom? To dust. Oh yeah, I was going to say, you have like an allergic to stuff. vibe. Yeah, dust, friendship, happiness, that kind of stuff. Well, I think I'm allergic to gluten and I have this theory because I found out when I went on a run and I nearly shit my pants, but it was after a big night of eating bread. Because you don't want to stress and you like, you eat carbs and one night, like Monday night,

I was really stressed and I just ate a whole loaf of bread, which I'm not particularly proud of. But on Tuesday, I went for a run. And in the middle of the run, I needed, I had like a panic attack. Oh. Yeah. And then I. You became a poo jogger.

Yeah, I like nearly became a poo jogger. Charles, we've been making jokes about poo joggers for several years. Yes. Maybe they're just poor. We've met one. We've finally met one. Glitose intolerant people. Can I get your autograph?

Yeah. Can I shit on your front door? But I, I look, the thing is, it was like truly wild because. So what did you do? do well so i jog down to like marrickville park sometimes i'm not a big jogger either like i jog for like 15 minutes and i'm a dead bitch so i was like 10 minutes into this run and like i start i like wasn't able to breathe and my stomach hurt and i didn't really know what was happening like i thought i was just like having a like a panic attack like a you know garden variety so i like went to kind of sit down

somewhere but then i slowly realized it was like i was going to have like explosive diarrhea or vomit like i was like i just dawned on me but i'd know where to go but are you sure it was The bread, sure you're not allergic to jogging? Because that would be the conclusion that I would draw. No, I'm pretty sure it's the bread because the other thing is, well, first I want to tell this story, but it's also, it's not the first time this has happened to me that I've shit my pants on a run after eating a lot of bread. See, I still can't work out if it's correlation and not causation.

Well, the other times it's happened to me, one of the times, so the thing about this time is actually made it to a bathroom, so I was really proud of myself. But it was like a long slog because I had to, I was like jogging down near the park in Marrickville and there were like all these tradies like near the Marrickville Park and then not only were their tradies like it's a really big open space like there was no trees I could hide behind and then on top of that there were all these like kids that were there for sport and the last time that I shat myself jogging there was like a forest near me so I just ran into the forest and shat on the ground now this time there was nowhere to hide it was very stressful I love it

I love the thing. The last time I shaned myself, it was sort of, you know, last Wednesday. Yeah, it's happened. It would have been like five years ago. But I distinctly remember, I had a really big loaf of bread. A big loaf, was it? Okay.

Charles, look, I know we've been studying this. You probably didn't know this. Charles Knight, we've been doing a lot of research. On our old radio show, we talked about this constantly. And I recall that there was a poo jogger in Merrickville. And in fact, on April the 28th. What? Of this year, there was a controversial poo jogger in Marrickville

And someone wrote an anonymous note to a mystery human pooher On Silver Lane in Merrickville, Nina I put it to you Nina Where were you on the night of the April, what was it, 22nd? The note said, please stop using our garage as a toilet We've put in a camera Yes

Don't do it anymore Well, they shouldn't have had a big toilet in their garage And by toilet, I mean a bucket So, look, I'm not a medically trained doctor. But... Are you a doctor at all? Are you an osteopath? So what's happening here?

If so, come to the white life. Not according to, you know, the law. But a bit of medical advice, why don't you just stop eating whole loaves of bread? Like, maybe it's not that you're allergic to gluten. Maybe it's just that, like, eating a whole fucking loaf of bread is really. really weird, and everyone would poo themselves. Oh, that's true. But hang on, but it goes in, it's got to come out, right?

That amount of material has to come out the other end. Was it a high fibre bread? It was a baguette. Oh, God, that's even worse. Of course your body wanted to expel French stuff from the system. I just watched Emily in Paris. I was craving cheese and bread. She's shit in my mattress.

Wait a minute, did you eat it with cheese? No, I just had it with butter like a loser. So hang on, I'm just wondering if maybe you have the world's most sort of minor case of glute intolerance. Like you've got to literally have a whole fucking loaf for it's a problem. I love how Nina booze herself and then it becomes an identity. So maybe if you just have a half loaf or even a third or maybe even a slice. So you're saying I shouldn't eat a whole loaf of bread. I still don't see anything wrong with eating a whole loaf of bread.

Well, it depends whether you want to shit yourself when jogging. I mean, if you view this as a legitimate expression of your comedic art, then that's okay. It could become a thing, right? Yes. I mean, think of it this way. If you keep eating the whole lives of bread and pooing, you're going to have an award-winning comedy festival show in a couple of years' time.

And I think poo jogging is the next big social movement, isn't it? Oh, it is. It is a culture. Yes. It's an underground culture now. Yeah. But, you know, there's lots of, you know, the gay rights movement started as an underground movement. I mean, it's not accepted now.

socially, yeah. But maybe evil, and we all do it. That's the thing. We all, we all, we all, not on, not in that lane that you shit in there. Not in front of all the kids in the field. We don't all jog, looking at Charles and Dom here. What did you end up to, so how did you, what did you do? Well, basically, like, so I was, I couldn't breathe.

Like, I had a weird panic attack thing. And then I just kind of walked briskly across to where the toilet block was, because I was like, at least I can see it. And I also, like, I thought it might be a fart. So, like, I started. to fart and then I was like it became very clear it wasn't and then I was like slam the brakes on yeah to like suck it back up um and then I kind of just briskly walked to the toilet block and when I got there there were three toilet doors and so I tried everyone they were all locked what they were all locked

and then I screamed like I was just like ah like I was so frustrated and then I decided to check the other side of the toilet block and there was one door open I do you think and I shat the best shit I've ever done. The Chaser Report. Less news. Less often. The Chaser Report is proudly brought to you by the new Apple iPhone. Suck on the teed of capitalism.

You pathetic consumerist scum. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. Well, that's it for the Chaser Report for another week. I'm sure there's nothing. Wait a minute. Rebecca Dana Minow's got some breaking news.

Does she? This never happened. Following revelations in ICAC that disgraced former MP Daryl Maguire accidentally ran over his iPad that contained crucial evidence with a tractor, federal energy minister Angus Taylor has told colleagues that he is leaving work early

to go and buy a tractor. That's it, thanks to our producer, Mike Liberali. Check us out on all the socials, including our YouTube channel, which is at YouTube.com slash chaser. And remember to leave us a five-star review with the special keyword. And Nina has a problem.

Hey, how is towels selling? Shut up. Maybe I should use it to mop up my mess. That's a brilliant idea. If you're a poo jogger, you can always use the chaser towels to clean up your soiling. Chasershop.com.

Use a special code. Shit. We're going to leave you with an ad that's actually being broadcast in the U.S. during the week. And it's actually fronted by Donald Trump. And he's flogging a whole new product. Hey, Patriots. Do you want to be like President Trump? Why not contract? COVID-19? Ever since I got COVID, I feel 20 years younger.

Back to the good old days when I used to hang out on Jeffrey Epstein's island. Poor Jeffrey. Make sure you get the Trump brand of COVID-19, personally endorsed by Donald Trump. Melania Trump, Baron Trump, and countless more. When I had the virus, it made me feel so fantastic. This 100% had everything to do with the virus and nothing to do with the cocktail of experimental mood-altering steroids they gave me at Walter Reed Hospital. Contract COVID-19 today and enjoy the insane euphoria of dexamethosone tomorrow.

Take it from one of my many infected White House staffers. COVID-19 can cause severe illness and death in those less tough than present. Trump. Coronavirus. Make yourself feel great and get again.