The Chaser Report - It's NOT A Spy Ballon!

Episode Date: February 16, 2023

Charles gets the inside scoop from Lachlan after he successfully gifted China with a spy balloon that absolutely will not get detected. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report for Friday the 17th of February. I'm Charles Firth and with me today is Lachlan Hodson. Ah yes, CCP enemy number one. Very, very cheeky little boy. Oh, cheeky. I thought that you guys annexed that word.

I thought we'd never describe anything that Chase ever did as cheeky since 2007. Cheeky and irreverent, I think. No, it's a pleasure to be on the show today, Charles, and scared that I might have just started another international conflict. That's right. So for people who haven't seen it, Lachlan, by now, by the time you listen to this podcast, Lachlan will be internationally, internet famous, really.

you're internet famous now I'm hoping for doing something cool rather than for a more Julian Assange type reason starting a war yeah have you made so we should explain what you did first and then we'll get to working out your escape plan to get you to Russia and be protected Snowden style

so what happened what happened look it all started with a comment we got on our online space at chaser.com A.U a couple of days ago. Charles, I'm not sure if you heard this news story about a balloon getting blown up in America. Did you hear that one? I don't know whether you listen to the podcast, Lachlan, podcast producer, but we've been talking about it a lot. Some of them are spy balloons and other than are aliens, aren't they?

If Dave Milner is to be believed, most of it's aliens. Yeah, so these balloons are just crazy. Like everyone, every country seems to now be on high alert, isn't it? Yes. Like, balloons are the new threat. They're the new nuclear war. It's the balloon's arms race. Everyone's racing to build their own balloons.

Yeah. So what did you do? Given that everyone's really scared, every country in the world is really scared. And if it flies over their sovereign territory, what happens when balloons fly over a nation's sovereign territory they get gunned down now that they send up jet fighters well so i uh pack myself in some protective gear and hit up the chinese consulate in australia to see exactly how long it would take them to shoot me down yeah because because the thing is because we went around city we were having a brainstorm yeah we were having a brainstorm and it was like this sovereign

territory all around the world obviously like countries but in australia you know like if you consulate The Chinese consulate, that is sovereign territory of China, like legally. When I'm in their space, I am on their soil, yes. And China's been flying these balloons over presumably all of our countries. So, you know, maybe they deserve, you know, to know what it feels like. Exactly. And you look at the big story in the news this week about how the government is going, oh, maybe we shouldn't have used all these Chinese security cameras in all of our government buildings. So, yeah, I thought, I spy, you spy, we spy.

Yeah, but Lachlan, in fairness, the Chinese are saying that they're not spy balloons. They're just weather balloons. They're not spy balloons, are they? Which is exactly why, Charles, the balloon that we took out to the consulate had clearly written in big writing, not a spy balloon. Oh, yes. Is that way they could get confused? No, exactly.

like therefore it's fine like to just fly a balloon over sovereign territory exactly it's not a sky balloon it's not a sky balloon it's not a sky balloon and I just had to check the weather over their fence you know there was some really interesting weather and at one point I said to a security guide accosting me I just said oh

when do you clock off out of curiosity it's just for the weather for the weather not only so let's just go back a little bit because I don't know what happened like Like, you literally, you've only just come from here. What happened? So you turn up.

I turn up. What are you dressed in? So actually, you, I'm not sure if you can see it right now. Oh, I can see, yes. I'm wearing a spy that also says not a spy. Because I didn't want them getting confused. I didn't want them thinking I was a spy. It's a nice handwritten.

You've literally handwritten not a spy on a t-shirt. I'll tell you later about the, quality props. Quality props. Yeah. So, Charles, you remember when we're brain. storming this done and we were thinking about what security threats we're going to be facing in this, you know, sovereign soil. And you, you talked all about how there'd be feds, there'd be cops, even the fact that the Chinese consulates and embassies are actually

known or have been, I believe there's a controversy where they're hiring their own secret police from inside the building to operate as a... Oh, really? ...alicious-style security operation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that was one of the threats that Cam and I, our wonderful editor, were worried about facing as we strolled on down to this building.

So we're decked out, and you remember we got it cleared with legal, we talked with jewels, we talked with Michael Bradley about what threats we were going to face here. So Cam and I, we're sweating. Wow, heart rates are high. Because it's interesting because, like, Because when we talked about it a couple of days ago, I went, oh, it'll be fine. You know, as long as you stay on our side of the board, you know, even if you cross over, it won't be too bad.

And then we texted the lawyer and immediately it was like, actually, they're very worried about that and they don't put up with things. You should definitely be very stressed about it. And Pam is a completely stressed person anyway. Which is why I then get so stressed as well, because I'm there with the other stressed person, We're just worry wards thinking that we're going to get accosted. So we get to the building and I walk out the front and I've got this big old balloon here and I'm wearing my cute little shirt and I'm just thinking how long is it going to take them to notice me and I walk out in front of the big wall, the great wall of consulate

and you know how we were talking about the massive security force that we thought would be facing, how many guards do you reckon they chucked at us? I don't know, like half a dozen, like six or seven? No, yeah, incredibly. They only chucked out one old Italian guy. What? Yes. This man was the last line of defence for this building has had tons of protests

and he's the only person they have to defend. Well, probably all the other security guards were busy, torturing Uyghurs inside so well yeah no presumably i mean i was just surprised because my local hoits has more security than sovereign soil the chaser report now with extra whispers so we walk out we unwind this balloon we get this gorgeous shot of me wearing my shirt with the balloon right next to the chinese flag uh and was it was it was it helium or was how did you um had you had you get it to float yeah i found a couple of uh just things that rio tinto had left lying around and and that got it floating pretty quickly yeah right okay great um so yeah we we do the stunt

and it goes well they they they kick us out they rough us up a little and we tell them oh okay yeah um which ways the u.s embassy out of curiosity i'm not sure not that you'd know where that embassy is or would have ever sent a weather balloon to that area but we'll float on a over there ourselves later, which has got Cam and I thinking, you know, if this video does well, we think if it gets one million likes,

we'll drive to Canberra and we'll do it at the actual US embassy. And they, I've done stuff outside the US Embassy and they are hard asses. They are, like they don't care about Australian sovereignty. You know,

like the AFPs, they're going, oh, you know, we can look up, no, we'll just get out. own guns yeah yeah well actually guns and shooting it down you've made me totally remember so at the end of the stunt you know how you get the post stunt depression um yes yes yes yes listeners wouldn't know

but there's this weird occurrence where after a massive high you then get a massive low and you just feel really crap for for an hour after the stunt or actually immediately right after it yeah because the thing is the adrenaline you get all this adrenaline beforehand and then actually it helps you focus when you're in the stunt. It does. But then the adrenaline has nowhere to go. And so you just feel awful. And the tip that I got 20 years ago

was that you just then immediately have to go and get drunk. I'm now. Yes, right. You're on your whiskey. Good advice, Charles. Yeah, that's right. No, so we're standing up the front of this. So what happened after we've been brushed away?

And I'm kind of going, I want to do more. I want to do something a bit more. And Cam, as it is, goes, hey mate, boy, let's start World War III. And we go to tie the balloon

to the building to leave it there. And as we're doing so... But it's all right because it's not a spy balloon. It's not a spy balloon. It's not a spy balloon. The only thing we're surveilling is weather. We go to do this though and we accidentally

add more to the problem because our balloon, the string that was attached to it, snapped. and suddenly this massive, massive balloon is now, it's currently floating somewhere in the Australian airspace presumably to get shut down, shot down by fighter jets. Probably Australian Air Forces. Yes.

What will happen that they will have been activated. They'll be flying along beside it. They'll see on the side of it not a spy balloon. Of course. What will they do? They probably won't shoot it down. Or will they shoot it down? Well, I think they should have done.

Well, I think they're shooting down everything now, even if it's aliens or if it's spy balloons. Yeah, because you can't believe. You know what will happen is the aliens who are invading us at the moment will see it, and they'll get confused, and they'll try and befriend this balloon, thinking that it's some sort of... You've been spending way too much time around Norbo. Actually, you probably... Although, do you think maybe we should sell your services to the Chinese? Because I think the problem

Yeah, because the problem that China has faced, right, is that nobody believes that it's not a spy balloon, right? Because they forgot to write on the side of it, not a spy balloon, right? And you've come up with the genius solution, which is just right, not a spy balloon. Yes, yes. And then sell it to China.

But also, you clearly are good at making giant balloons, spy balloons. Yeah. So you sell your service. And then everyone will think, oh, that's just a silly chaser stunt, but they're actually spy balloons. And that's how we fund our next stunt. Well, this is how we're funding this stunt, though, is we're selling the shirt. We're selling the not-a-spy shirts online. I am definitely buying one of them.

Because they're amazing. They're so practical. I didn't even get to tell you before. So there's always three awkward moments when you're doing a stunt. The first worst moment is, you know, of course, when you're doing it. And I've already talked about the second, which is post-stunt depression. But the third is actually before you do the stunt, you do not know a walk of shame, like walking around the streets of Sydney, holding a massive balloon, also wearing a shirt that says not a spy. It is the exact opposite of subtle, and I cannot wait to see ASEO start using it.

I'll tell you what, you definitely have to try and walk into the ASEO building with that shirt on. You definitely, you definitely, definitely have to try and get into the barracks, you know, out at North Head or something, like the military barracks in Sydney, using that t-shirt. I mean, because we've done it with Trojan Horse. You could do it down at New Centennial Park. No, no, I'm not a spy. Yeah, and then you definitely need to walk around Parliament House with that. Oh, yes, yes. You know, and maybe offer people some Rimbimbi or something.

Even better, Charles, we can delegate this work to other people. If we're selling this shirt, we'll just get them to walk around and film it. And then we can, you know, edit that up ourselves and publish it. It'll be like the Spartacus thing where, no, I am Spartacus thing. No, I'm not as far. No, I'm not as far. You should monitor who buys that T-shirt because if you get a lot of purchases around, you know, the embassies of Canberra, you might. You might not just be going, we've tapped into the lucrative spy fashion market.

By the time we actually turn up to the United States Embassy over there, the feds will already be wearing this. They'll think I'm one of them. I dare you to try and enter the United States of America using that t-shirt, with that t-shirt on. You have to. It's not the most embarrassing shirt that either of us have worn in the US, no, Charles. That's a deep reference.

You're welcome, Joseph. Wow, that's very deep. In some ways, their t-shirt is almost... That's my favourite part of this whole stunt. The fact that we're selling these t-shirts. It's totally... When I was wearing it around the house, when I was wearing it in Sydney, actually,

I walked past a man. This was before I had the balloon. And he just looked at me and he went, you don't look Chinese. And it was just the... What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A random man on the street saw me wearing a shirt

that said not a spy and then immediately made the connection to surveillance. He knows. I reckon, yes, he was monitoring. He was like an AISO operative. He was with the Bureau of Meteorality. Okay, well, congratulations, Lockwood. Thank you, Charles. So if you want to see that stunt and you don't have an internet connection,

you don't know how to navigate the web it's on the chaser website which is chaser.com.com. you've got to register to see content nowadays on the chess website but it's worth it because if you comment there you have a good enough comment we'll do the stunt that you tell us to do

we've now done it for a few weeks in a row we did the pellstone a couple of weeks ago triple jay was even a bit of a stunt yeah yeah exactly so that's the idea for this year our gear is from road we're part of the iconically class network and uh yeah and look congratulations drink carb but only after you've edited up this podcast and published it okay ah i got me again caught this is going to be a very shoddy at it