The Chaser Report - It's On! (2 Weeks Late)

Episode Date: April 26, 2022

The 2022 Federal Election has begun! Bring on The Chaser Report: Election Edition! To start off The Chaser's election campaign, we welcome Craig Reucassel back to the desk to bring us the latest update on the polls. Meanwhile Dom shows his true colours and reveals what party he'll be voting for, and Charles recaps all the most important facts about the election so far, and the first of his special Election Wraps! PLUS we have a chart topping dance hit! It's going to be a long and arduous election, strap yourselves in. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In an election that will determine the fate of the entire universe, there's only one podcast holding politicians accountable. Scott Morrison, Anthony Albanese, Who Will Boom? Find out on The Chaser Report Election Edition. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report Election Edition for Tuesday, 29th of April. It's 25 days until the election, I'm Charles Firth. We begin today with the solemn news that Australia is at war. War is peace and the only way to achieve peace is to bomb China back to the Stone Age,

at least according to Peter Dutton. The only way you can preserve peace is to prepare for war and to be strong. Until now, the election has been at risk of being the most boring election since the uncontested ballot for Year 5 band captain at Wogga Wagga Public School in 1978. But on Monday, Morrison said an arc of autocracy was forming across the world and China setting up a military base in the Solomon Islands is a red line for Australia.

I shared the same red line that the United States has. Red line is, of course, the term most famously used by Barack Obama to describe a line which, if crossed, you then back away from earlier commitments to do anything about. A red line for us is a whole bunch of chemical weapons moving around or being utilized. Meanwhile, Labor accuses the government of dropping the ball, saying they've made plenty of announcements but haven't delivered. Labor has said that they'll counter that with more announcements. Labor promises to deploy more equipment and training in the Pacific,

chief among which will be Penny Wong's death stare, a weapon so powerful that until now it has rarely been deployed outside Senate estimate hearings. How pathetic. How shameful. No doubt the Chinese are quivering in fear, that Australia will unleash its fleet of submarines as soon as they arrive in about 2050. Meanwhile, controversial Liberal Party captain's pick for the seat of Waringa, Catherine Deves,

continues to make headlines. Over the weekend, she appeared on SBS News to apologise for posting her anti-transgender comments on social media, but instead she just blamed social media and pledged to make sure that in future she says horrible things in places that can't be screencapped so easily, the Israel-Falau method. I recognise that trying to prosecute arguments about complex, nuanced and difficult subjects,

it should not take place on a platform that propagates division and hurt. In other news, Anthony Albanese continues to suffer from COVID. The reports are that the virus is having trouble landing a punch on the opposition leader who's deployed a small target strategy inside his body. That's the election wrap for Tuesday, the 26th of the election. April. I'm Charles Firth. We'll be back in a sec. And as well as Charles Firth on today's Chaser report, we have me, Dom Knight and Craig Roocastle. Hello. Good to be here. Now, we've waited two weeks to start the actual

podcast. We took two weeks off as soon as the election was called, good strategy or bad strategy? Look, I think that was good strategy. The coming back today and actually starting an election podcast, terrible strategy. All right, I'll see you guys in a week. Horrible, yeah. Let's go back. Yeah, can we hide? We do have some things for. today, though. I've found the party with the best policy. You know, we haven't had any policy discussion or campaign. I've found it. I'm going to look at the polling

and also the effect of COVID on this election. Plus, I've got a quiz about the election so far. Oh, we've been ignoring it for two weeks. This is going to be a shit quiz. I know nothing. I can't wait. I'll wait. Let's do that. The Chaser Report. Election

edition. So just a bit of an update on the polls that have come out. News polls come out. I'll read you the headline, and you can see if you guess what the result is, okay? So the headline, of course, in the Australian was Morrison builds lead over Albanesey. Oh, so the polls are moving, however. They're moving. What do you think the two-party preferred would be with that headline?

They were, it was at 4753 in the last news poll, so I reckon, well, it's, well, it probably hasn't completely closed the gap, but it would be, what, 49, 451? Yeah, I'm guessing it's blown out in favour of later. They've done that on the basis of preferred prime minister, which tells us nothing. You are correct. It is 5347 still. What? A six point lead. And it's great because even the article says, yeah, Labor will get a majority government through this.

But also, by the way, the prime minister's approval did fall a little bit as well. But he does manage to be further ahead on preferred prime minister. He's nine points ahead on that. So that's Morrison Bill's lead over our business. So we're definitely going to have a Labor government. but more of us will wish Scott Morrison was still Prime Minister. We have such a good system. It's a pretty extraordinary.

I mean, when you actually look at the stats, it's a pretty extraordinary popularity contest we've got going here. Because the Prime Minister's approval fell to 42% and his dissatisfaction ratings at 54%. But minus 12. He's minus. Albanese's approvals at 38% and his dissatisfactions at 50%. So that's also minus 12.

Yeah, right. I mean, it's a tough one there because more people approve of the Prime Minister, but less people are dissatisfied by Albu. Well, that's the beauty of life expectations. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I love the fact that you've got to, like, people disapprove of the job that Anthony Abenese has been doing as Prime Minister. That is literally the question.

You are not a very good Prime Minister so far. Just a few other headlines from the Australian, Titanic's stunning fight back against iceberg. Hindenberg heating bills reduce. And Australian increases readership. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And apparently Marine Le Pen has won the presidential poll for women. Oh, wow.

So, well done. Well done. But the interesting thing about this is this poll doesn't take into consideration, and this is the real curveball here, the period when, of course, Albanese has been locked up with COVID, which I think we would all agree is a masterstroke by Labor. Jesus. I mean, you're talking, you know, small target, this is a no target strategy. This is incredible.

This is cheap. I mean, the only problem with it is it's only a week-long disease. It's going to get better, yeah. Well, Joe Biden won the presidency by spending months in his basement, not leaving it. I think I elbows on it. I would not come out and see daylight until they get elected prime minister. Exactly. And it's kind of, it's been funny because they've put out other spokespeople,

Jason Clare gave a talk. And everything he said was really clear and cut through. And people were like, oh, is that what he's been trying to say those last six days? Exactly. Sort of, where are all the gaffes to cover? Yeah. And it is an interesting thing. I mean, I guess, to be fair,

I guess they did it because they were like, oh, we've got to give the excuse that Albo had long COVID before he got COVID. That's great COVID, all that brain fault. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a tough one, though, for the lives, because it has, Ms. Morrison had COVID? I think he had a few weeks ago. He had it during the floods and during the bushfires and during the vaccine rollout

and during the rat. But it's a tough one, but like, would it be better or worse for Morrison to get COVID as well? Well, what I presume it happened is that Morrison got COVID and then from that moment on Aberdeasy was every single day trying to get it just so there'd be no difference between the two years. Yeah, that's it.

And I presume it was finally at the debate. Morrison went, all right, fine. You can have it. Here you go, you can have it, mate. Mind you, I reckon this is the first thing that the Labour Party's done that has finally gone viral. Election News You Can't Trust

The Chaser Report. Okay, so as you, you know the election, it was called, what, a couple of weeks ago, three, four, five weeks ago. Years ago, it feels like. I think it was about six months ago. Anyway, it's been the most boring election so far. So I thought, why don't we do a quiz about the most boring election so far? Yay.

Yeah, and I've, during the past two weeks, I've had a child and had COVID. And both of those things, which is the worst disease out of those two? I know absolutely nothing. I barely know who the candidate took. Okay. Question one. Who has done more Instagram posts at this election so far? Is it Anthony Albanesey or Scott Morrison?

I would say Scott Morrison is my answer. I don't think Albert knows what Instagram is. I reckon it's definitely SCOMO. Incorrect. So Morrison has done 75 Instagram posts since the election was called. Anthony Albinesey has done 79. Well, it's very close. It's very close.

What percentage of SCOMO is just him going, I've cooked a curry. Well, according to our record keeper, 98% of Scott Morrison's photos are him standing in front of things that other people did. But, and interesting, how many do you reckon are Anthony Albanesee and his pet? Oh, that'll be a heaps. I've noticed that his approach to this election is to go, is to say, my pets are awesome.

I'd say 60%. Well, actually, the unfunny answer is it's actually only 7%. But there's still about a hundred million. Sorry, let me go back in time. I'd say, is it 3%? That's a very high number. It is nice though that Albo has found someone who knows who he is. But guess how many?

This is the most shocking statistic. How many of Scott Morrison's Instagram posts have been with him in front of a curry? Zero. No, I saw several. There's definitely been a few. No, no. There's only been two this election. Only two.

What is going on? I think their campaign is in chaos. No, but to be fair, to be fair, to Scott Morrison, he quite enjoys campaigning. It's just the running of the country. He doesn't like this. That's when he cooks the curries. He's great at this bit.

He takes off three years cooking curries, and then he runs the election. There's no national crisis. Oh, so didn't he go from one bunnings in one state to one buntings in another state? I mean, this is what he does. If we can somehow, if he wins again, if we can just somehow get him to just campaign for the next three years

and get someone else to run the country, Yes. Things might get done. I like that. Okay, next question. How many beers have been drunk in public? Like, who's drunk more beer in public? Morrison or Anthony? Barnaby Joyce.

It's interesting. And that's not just in public, that's in private. Right, yeah, yeah. In the living room, in the bathroom. That's tough because Morrison did launch that beer can, but there was no beer in it. So that meant they didn't actually drink any beer that day. Oh, really? Because, yeah, that was the one that was called Scomo Strong.

economy brewed. Yes. And it was empty, was it? That's empty, right. It was totally empty. And I mean, who wouldn't want a beer called?

Can I have a strong economy better, please? Whereas Albo, I presume. Albo's been drowning his sorrows nightly. Fucked up the stats. That goes, there goes the first week. Oh, I got COVID. So the answer is Morrison by a mile.

So he's had 12 different press appearances where he's drunk beer in public. Seriously. And Anthony Aberdezzi has only done six. I mean, can you be Prime Minister? after drinking only six beers. This is bullshit. I heard Albao say he wanted to be a prime minister like Bob Hawke. He's not doing it.

He's not making it happen. Exactly. But we think we've discovered why he doesn't drink too much because he forgets when he drinks. Yeah, that's right. Oh, was that his problem in day one? Yeah, it was 11 a. I hear of how much the beer cost, though.

Okay, who has appeared more in public? Scott Morrison or Anthony Albanese. What do you mean in public? Do you count being at home because he caught COVID and have to do a shit? Zoom on to the project or something? What's in public? Well, like, how many times has he been out on the, you know, like holding a doorstop?

Okay, so that's kind of public. Because the interesting thing is that initially, Morrison, all of his presses were kind of set up, so it was kind of really controlled. Yeah. But he did then do a bit of a streetwalk and kind of get out there. I'm not sure how much Albo's done. So you just mean any kind of press conference.

Yeah, any sort of, like, press appearance where there's a gaggle of, you know, press. Well, Alba did that one where the guy has. wanted to ask him a difficult question and he just chickened out of it. So I think that was it, wasn't it? Wasn't that the last press event Albo did? I'd say Morrison has done more. Yeah, yeah.

Morrison's done double. He's done 40 and Albanesey's done 21. But as you say, like he said, COVID, so it's not necessary. But interesting statistic, the number of wanted public appearances by them is still sitting at zero. So there you go. How many fuck-ups has Anthony Albanesey done? I know one thing.

He would not know that number. Oh, is it was certainly more than 4%. Was it 4 or 5, 5.5.5. Is it about, about what about it? Let's go 5. Six. He's had six. Six gaffs, apparently.

And that includes the two. And this is according to Scott Morrison's campaign. Yeah, that's right. Whereas Scott Morrison has only fucked up three interviews and you could probably count the debate as a bit of a fuck up as well. Although almost all of his interviews are with Paul Murray. So where's the degree of difficulty on that? Okay, next question.

If you were the Liberal Party, it is a bit of a multiple choice question. Yes. Which issue would you base the election on? Would it be women's rights, men's rights, coal rights or alt rights? I'm sorry, you haven't got trans women playing sport in that. That was the correct answer. Yes, yes.

Yeah. That is a dominant issue. I mean, the number of times I'm watching sport and trans women are playing and taking the spots of other women is, No, it's never happened So in the last Olympics There are I think 110,000 athletes from around the world 12 of them were trans women

See, it's a huge problem Stop the election I mean, fuck China This is the real issue Yeah, yeah, exactly It hurts me every day Next question If you were the Labor Party

Which issue would you base your campaign on Would it be not being the Liberal Party Not being Scott Morrison Not being in power for nine years or not doing anything about climate change, which one? There's a real theme of not doing anything in that list, isn't it? I think Morrison's got that covered. I mean, I do the normal labour approach

of just doing all of those things really badly. So the actual answer is you were wrong to answer the question because you're not allowed to answer the question. Oh, okay. It's a small target strategy. Oh, sorry, sorry, you're an idiot. You're brought into the premise of the question. What a fuck we.

Two more questions. The first one is, how many times has Morrison been heckled in public? Ooh. In the election campaign? Yeah, during the election campaign. I don't remember any. I haven't seen any. I mean, Albaugh had the temerity to interrupt him at one point during the debate.

Does that count? No, that doesn't count. I think I was seen any hiccough. Well, you're not paying attention. It was nearly, I mean, Barnaby Joyce nearly got beaten up, which was quite fun. That was good. Yeah, but it sort of really channeled the feelings of most of the strength. Australians, isn't it?

That guy was on the angry side. Yeah, imagine a room where Bartabee Joys isn't the angriest person. I don't remember any heckles of Scott Morrison, but I have been ignoring much of what he's done. Well, you were wrong because there's been five, and we've actually compiled a clip of people heckling Morrison. This is what you said when you got elected last time. We've got to help all those people that worked all their lives,

paid their taxes, and those that have a go, to go. Correct. Well, I've had a go, mate. Congratulations, I've been the worst Prime Minister we've ever had. What's going on there? No, why is it reporting? Oh, I'm just, because I apply. I just want to ask you questions. I'm sorry, this is a private event. Oh, sorry about that.

You know, another promise that you made? Hey, we've had quite a check. Hey, yeah, no, you know, you're going to have an integrity commission. Hey, hey, hey, you better, do something, man. This is the media. Well, I'm posting the drinks for the media event. question people lost their houses people lost their houses and they were burned you're a good disgrace you are a disgrace see i would i would argue there's only two heckles in that because the newcastle pub guy was initially speaking to him a heckle only gets when he's walking away and you're

being yelled at the other one was the woman tricking him into doing the thing on a phone which was great it was great but i wouldn't call it a heckle and even the other guy who snuck into the press conference there it only became a heckle again when morrison walked away so i would say two heckles out of that fine. I also just want to acknowledge that the greens

are the only party that would provide that poor gentleman with free dentures. It really needs them.

Okay. And then, of course, how many have, how many times has Albaezy been heckled?

He's been hecled by the guy that want to ask a question of him. He was heckled by himself

when he's asked the question. What about the whole of Blues Fest when he went out and tried to bask in buns his

audience. That's right. It depends of which vision you show of that. Never stop a rock concert to make an appearance.

I'm Mr. Peter Garrett, that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the official answer to that is none because no one's recognised. And then finally, last question, how many eggings have there been this week? Oh, not enough. There's one, definitely.

Craig Kelly got eggs. Yeah. Can we just somehow refer back to Fraser Anning, the greatest moment in Australia political history? That's what established the egging as a part of our political system. Yeah. This might surprise you, but it wasn't in the constitution.

Usually, I didn't know that. I only know the Craig Kelly. Any others? No, and it's just been Craig Kelly. But, you know, we've still got four weeks to go. I think that maybe, you know, that's a stat that all Australians could improve on. There is more of a chance to egg Craig Kelly again. Yeah, that's right.

Just because it's happened once. This is when you can't do it again. Okay, that's the quiz. I'm going to award the quiz to Dom. There you go. Congratulations. Well done, Dom. Is this like the election, when no matter who wins, we always.

lose. Rigging elections since before it was called The Chaser Report. So far in this podcast, we've focused almost entirely on the Prime Minister and the alternative Prime Minister, you know. I want to focus now on the alternative alternative prime minister, Craig Kelly, because if you want a party with easy to understand policies, it sound good, you want the

UAP. Now, the United Australia Party, I want to correct some misconceptions. Is this paid advertising, hang on it? Is this how you're funding this podcast? It's right. Oh, no, $80 million on the table, suddenly. Freedom, freedom, freedom. But now the UAP aren't just some flyby night party

that was created as the plaything of some self-indulgeal. billionaire like the old Palmer United Party. The UIP has been around since 1931. It's a name you can trust. It provided some of Australia's greatest PMs, Joseph Lyons, Billy Hughes, and Sir Robert Menzies. That's right. That's right, which is why Clive Palmer could steal the name

and re-baran the Palmer United Party. So, wait a minute. Was it continuously, did it continuously exist? It did until 1945 when it got shut down and turned to the Liberals. Right. So it was like a web domain that was available. Yes. He's the Red Tube Party.

Correct me if I'm wrong. But my understanding of Australian history is that it basically became a party that no one could ever support ever again. Gosh, death. After Menzies, in about 41 or 42, supported the idea of the Brisbane line, which was the very controversial idea, which was, why don't we just seed the top half of Australia, the northern half of Australia to the Japanese, because we shouldn't commit troops to defending Australia, which instead send them all over to Europe and help out the English instead. Interestingly, also Bill Shorten's approach the election last time.

to see the whole of the North Queensland. But, like, I don't think that that's the party that this, like, it's a very unpatriotic car. Are you suggesting? I think that's right. I think the moment it became that nobody could vote the United Australia Party

was the moment that the Clive Palmer got made. I'm very confident Clive does not know about the Brisbane line. But if you want wacky policies that are a little bit strange, the thing about the UIP, you don't find them. Their policies are brilliant.

And the great thing is that they're all three seconds long, okay? Every UAP policy is three seconds long. And it makes sense. They all just make sense. Have a listen. These are all from the official UAP YouTube channel. Listen to the first one. We need new submarines now, not in 40 years. We need a new government. Save Australia. Vote one, United Australia Party. Too long. Too long. Cut it down after. I lost focus. We need new subs now, not in 40 years. We should just buy one from China. That's not a bad policy. It's very, very simple. What about this one? Save your home. Save your home.

Maximum home loans below 3% for the next five years. That's it. You can't have interest rates above 3%. Now, what that would do to the home market and no one would be able to get mortgages and the whole thing would probably collapse, but it sounds so good. It sounds very simple. I like the repetition too, because he was like, unfortunately, this policy is not getting it to three seconds. It's too short. I'll just repeat save your home twice. What about this one? Now, this is a real, a real eye-catcher. Bring back from overseas a trillion dollars of Australian super to Australia, injected into the Australian economy.

So there's a trillion dollars that you're just going to win. Bring back on a truck from overseas and put it into our economy for jobs. Yeah. That wouldn't create inflation or anything. An extra trillion dollars. And all the super funds that invested in overseas shares, you just get their money and bring it back. I love it.

There's another one that I think is really, really attractive. Have a listen to this. TAFE and University used to be free. United Australia Party will make it free again. And so that way you'll be able to train a whole lot of economists to explain to Clive Park but why you can't just take the trillion dollars from overseas. It is, I love the way he just can say anything, basically. But isn't there also one where he's saying you reduce the tax on coal or something

and it'll pay for everything? That's a 15% export duty on coal, I think. Is that reducing or increasing it? I think it's increasing it to pay for everything to balance the budget. It's the surprising approach by a coal baron. I know, I found that way bizarre too. Now, look, the UAP, when they bring in the utopia and win the election through these smart policies, it's not going to be a complete utopia.

We are still going to have a little bit of Craig Kelly doing this. The TGA adverse event report reported after COVID-19 vaccines, 487 deaths and 52,546 adverse events. We need a government inquiry now. Yeah, so we still have a guy who doesn't understand. You know not play that shit? He still has no idea how vaccines work. We know you're taking money from. for this. We refuse to let that be

played, okay? If that gets played, if it plays, I'm leaving. So, I mean, basically what that means is that he doesn't understand that the vaccines actually save lives. So there'll be no vaccines in the UAP, Australia. But we'll have lots of Ivermectin, like we. We will. And the best

thing, though, about the UAP government is that they'll protect us from this threat that I bet neither of you've even heard of. In Beijing, they even use surveillance technology to stop people from taking too much toilet paper. In a A matter of seconds, a microchip is inserted in the hand. What?

That's front of their hands. Hang in a second. So the surveillance is to stop you taking toilet paper is a microchip in your hand. Oh, look, which is exactly what we needed at the beginning of the pandemic. When all the toilet paper disappeared. This is why the Chinese invented the virus to sell their toilet paper stopping stealing technology. Yes. Oh, hang on a second.

I should join the UAP. The Chaser Report. Now with Extra Whispers. So before we go, I did want to ask you guys to explain to me because I missed what happened I was away. What is the Cole Makes Me Come song by Scott Morrison, by The Chaser, was it a duo working together? How did this come about?

And how the hell is it? I saw it on iTunes the other day. What is going on? Yeah, so what happened was after the debate that was on Sky News, we forced Cam Smith, our editor, to sit down and recompile. all of Scott Morrison's words into a sort of monologue, right? But who challenged him to do it? Wasn't somebody outside challenged him to do it?

No, no, no. So he just did that because we forced him to, right? But then, like, it's just part of his job. It's like a clockwork orange style workshop. Oh, okay, fine. Yeah, yeah. But then what happened was a fan heard that monologue, which was quite good, like it went around and said,

why don't you do a sort of house mix, like dance mix of that song and cut it up? And so then Cam then went and applied his amazing musical ability and cut it into a really funky, funky tune. Fantastic. Okay. And so let's have a little bit of listen to this because it's not approved by Morrison, I'm guessing. Well, it's his words. But also it's so popular.

It probably is approved. It probably has a member party policy. Yeah, exactly. So in the first 12 hours after it got released, you've got a million listens, right? Yes. It's currently number three on iTunes. So can you just, it was easy to put Cole Makes Me Come on iTunes? Yeah, because you think about modern music, the whole, it's all swear word.

You just put the explicit lyrics. True, actually true. Yeah, yeah. So you're totally allowed to say that. And then, no, and then, so it's number three on iTunes, but this is the whole scam, right? Because that sounds impressive, like we're number three in the charts, right? It does. Except it's, we're not doing about Apple music, right?

Because I, I kept on listening to it on Apple music thinking, oh, that'll go up in the charts if I listen to it on Apple. No, no, no, no, no, no. The iTunes charts, which is the thing that everyone talks about is only, it only sort of increases your chart. if you buy the track from iTunes which is because no one does no one does

so literally if you buy 10 copies of that track you get to like say about number three in the chart so this morning we all in the office sat around

and used our iTunes like remember iTunes yeah I didn't even know it existed still but you can buy it for a dollar 29 so everyone out there listening to this podcast press buy

you've got to go into the iTunes store yes If you still got that on your phone. No, no, it's still on your phone. I got iTunes on my phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And for $1.29, you can buy the track. And if we get another, say, five or six people doing that.

I reckon we will be number one on the charts. Here it is. iTunes store. Yeah, there you go. Hey, I'm going to buy it. $1.19. This is pretty expensive. How much of that money goes to Scott Morrison?

Yeah, the singer. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck, we haven't thought about that. So I presume is going to kill her. I presume Albo's people have already been in touch and requested, Cole also makes me come. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I got no results for Cole.

Cole makes me come. What? I don't know. Come is... Oh, yeah, they've bleeped out the you in, come. Yeah, so just go. If you search for Cole makes me. Oh, there you go.

Okay, yes, it is it. It's explicit $1.19. Shooting up the charts. Hey. It's more popular than Harry Styles. Yeah, we passed Adele late last night. Oh, wow. You know, it would be funny if this ended up being the reason that Morrison won.

Everyone's like, gee, I'll just love his song. Yeah, that's right, exactly. Our gear is from Road Microphones. We are part of the A-Cast Creator Network. We're going to be here for the next four weeks every day. Near instant take on the day is election stories. Charles, we thought what it's going to do to us doing this for four weeks every single day? Well, I'm planning to catch COVID, so.

I'll be out of it for the next week anyway. Stay at Albo's house. Oh, yeah. Sleep over. Catch you tomorrow.