The Chaser Report - Josh Earl's Aus Poll

Episode Date: October 25, 2021

Host of the podcast Don’t You Know Who I Am? Josh Earl comes by to discuss the polls he’s been running on Twitter to learn what Australians love most. But when the topic of people’s favourite chocolates and music comes up, things quickly get heated in The Chaser office. Plus Gabbi has a tale that serves as a helpful reminder that men still really need to improve. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. Fizz is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at Fizz.ca. Today's episode of The Chaser Report brought to you by unsupervised interns.

Lachlan. Gapby, I'm just here. I'm recording, dude. I know you want some hot coffee. No, no, liquid to the bar! Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report on Tuesday, the 26th of October. I'm Dom Knight.

Hello, Charles Firth. Hello, Gailie Bolt. Hello, hello. And they've got a deal. They've got a deal on net zero. History has been made. Yes, Australia is finally doing its bit to address climate change, net zero by 2050. It's going to happen.

And look, kudos to Scott Morrison for finally, solving global warming. I mean, really, that's what's happened this week. Yes. What did he get out of the deal? I'm not really across the details. So Barnaby Joyce, brilliant negotiator. Oh, is that what he got?

He got ownership of Barnaby Joyce and all of his children. No. That's a terrible negotiation. Barnaby Joyce negotiated with Scott Morrison and got in return for backing net zero by 2050, which he doesn't personally support. He got lots and lots of money for the Bush and an extra cabinet position.

Right. Which means that the nationals can stop every other thing. government wants to do now. And so they've actually committed to doing stuff for net zero by 2050, the National Party. They've committed to... Look, Barnaby has, and I quote, agreed to a process going forward to reach the target. So it's solved. It's as good as done.

They've committed to a commitment. Well, a process to a commitment. Sorry. A process going forward towards a commitment. It's like scheduling sex, isn't it? Isn't it? It's like, oh, I'll do it. at 6 p.m. next week, maybe.

Gabby, you obviously aren't middle-aged with that comment. But the genius of this, though, is that they've, they've Nick's 2030. So 2030 is the date where you've actually got to start doing things now, right? So instead of doing anything now, we have a plan to have a process to potentially commit to a target, to a goal that's going to be long after Barnaby Joyce is dead, and in return he gets money, lots of money, and a cabinet position. I mean, this is the best politician in Australia. He is a master negotiated.

You know what we should do? We should put him in charge of negotiating on behalf of us rather than on behalf of the coal lobby. Because imagine there. Imagine if he was negotiating on behalf of like our own interests. Yeah, there'd be like 26 meetings that he'd say he'll do and he won't turn up to. It'd be great. That would be brilliant. How can we twist his arm though?

How much will it cost? Well, we just, I reckon we get the environment. We get the environment to pay. Oh, yes. With all the money they've got. A whole lot of donations to the national party. and to Matt Canavan, because they're all corrupt. They'll just take money.

And you just outbid the cult. Oh, no. See, it's not going to work, is it? Just tell the mint to print more. Give it to us. We'll give it to them. Yeah. I love it.

We'll negotiate a process of the payment. Yeah. And the best thing about this is that with Glasgow coming up, Scott Morrison was facing embarrassment. The Queen made him come along. And it was looking as though, instead of, as in previous climate summit, it's just saying we were maybe going to do something and it was sort of okay. We now have a firm commitment to maybe do something and maybe it will be okay.

So congratulations, Prime Minister. You're going to look so good in Glasgow. This is great news. I mean, I think Scott Morrison is the master negotiator here. Mm, yeah. Climate King. Yep. So do we have a plan to commit to a goal for a target for what's in this episode?

Yes, but you will actually have to promote me and give me more money for my regions if I'm going to tell you. And it'll just be a plan to tell you. I'm not going to tell you yet. I really don't want to think about your regions, Charles, if I'm honest. Oh, Jesus. Coming up on the show, we're not going to tell you. Let's just go straight to Rebecca Day in a minnow with the chase and news headlines straight after this.

Spoken like a true negotiator. But we'll have content for this episode by 2050. The Coalition has reached a deal with the National Party, which means that it is now on track to meet its ambitious goal of net zero clarity on climate policy by 2030. In announcing the plan, the Prime Minister said that making more coal to reduce the amount of coal, produced was key to the plan.

Loonig has been let go from the age newspaper after he drew a terrible cartoon that was offensive and stupid. The age said that they acted swiftly, removing the cartoonist just two decades after they first became aware of the problem. Support for the federal government has slumped again with the coalition polling just 46% on a two-party preferred basis. Respondents said Mr Morrison's lack of ability to take responsibility for anything was the main reason for the shift away. But Mr Morrison said his poll numbers were not his fault and blamed the states for the record low result.

That's the latest Chaser News you can't trust. Remember to subscribe and like our podcast in your podcast app of choice. I'm Rebecca Dana-Muno and personally I'd like to see Net Zero Barnaby Joyce by 2030. Now, traditionally in Australia, when we've needed to take the temperature of the nation, we've gone to pollsters like Morgan or news poll. We've gone to social researchers like human cable. There's no longer any need for that because Josh Earl, who is the host of the Don't You Know Who I Am podcast, has conducted the nation's most extensive research into the Australian psyche in the past few months on Twitter.

And he joined us now to reveal his findings. Hello, Josh. Hello, everyone. Thanks for having me. So, Josh, what have you been doing? What's your methodology? What happened was, I'm in Melbourne, so we've been locked down for, what, 77 days. And in the first week of the lockdown, I was doing the online learning for my kids,

and they were doing okay on their own. So I thought, I'll fill some time in. The first one was Best 90s U.S. guitar band. So I thought, I'll just put it out there. And I just did it without thinking in five minutes, wrote down 32, I could remember, put him in a tournament bracket. it. So one played 32, two played 31. They all, just like the tennis. And it kind of went a bit crazy. Like, I didn't think, normally when I do polls, it's not as exciting. And I get like

100 people. But this one had like thousands and thousands of people. So Adam Scott, the actor from Parks and Recreation, he got involved because REM were one of the bands in it. And he was very, he's a big R&M fan. And he and Scott Ockerman, who host the are you talking REM to me podcast got involved and REM won amazingly and angered a lot of people like Pixies fans and Sonic Youth fans got very very angry and a lot of the anger was directed towards me which was weird because I was the only person who didn't have a vote in it I can't vote on my own polls but you compiled the bracket I did compile the bracket so you picked the 32 I know but everyone it was so funny everyone was like complaining that how come a band like

guided by voices didn't win this I'm like because they're not as big as Aram and the Pixies. That's the whole thing about being an indie rock fan. You like these bands that no one else has heard of. And so then the next week, I decided I'll make it Australian. So I did Aussie bands from the 90s. Oh, yes. How did you find 32 that were worth for everything? Well, that was where everyone's got, oh, you've got to have the clouds in there. I'm like, okay, I'll put the clouds in there. And they absolutely got trounced by silver chair in the first one. It's like, see, I try and do this thing for you, people. And but wasn't that the problem, that was the problem with your seating, though? Like, how?

How did you seed those things? That was just arbitrary your opinion about which one is number one, which one's number 32. In the first couple of weeks, I did do arbitrary ones, but the first ten seeds always got through to the final ten. So I'm like, I know it was like, but I was right, okay? I was right with my seating because all the, all the favourites went through. Then when the other music, so I did some other music ones. Except for the clouds, which were clearly superior. I love the clouds.

I remember going and seeing them over in Manly. Yeah, and I bet there was a hundred of people there. And then when you walk past Silverchair playing like Domain Stadium on the way home. So then I thought, all right, what's something I can do that's not going to have as much anger towards these people? Because people are also tagging people. Dave Graney got tagged. I don't want people there like Dave being ruined because someone's doing a Twitter poll. So I did best ice creams you can get from a servo.

Ice creams or ice treats. Yes. That was a great poll. Well, this, I think, Charles, you were even having to go at me here because you were like, yeah. Yeah, I did. I tagged you. I just came in and because what was the problem, didn't you? Surely the question one, and without having seen this, the question one is, is Vianetta included?

Is something on the scale of a Vionetta or is it got to be in its individual serve? No, individual serve. It was like, all right, I'm going to the show, I'm going to 7-Eleven to get an ice cream. What do you want? And lots of people had an issue with ice cream, icy pole, being in the same, in the same vote. But I'm like, every time you go to the servo and you get an ice cream, you have to make that decision anyway. They're in the same freezer. Exactly.

This is what I'm saying. So, they're lucky they didn't have, like, frozen peas in there, too. But I did that, and that was Golden Gay Time won, and that was a bit boring because everyone was like, Golden Gay Time's going to win this. That's the REM of ice cream. Yeah. That's incorrect, too, because everyone knows that, like, I feel like there's a supermarket ice cream and then, like, a Servo ice cream, and a Servo ice cream is never a Golden Gay Time. It's like a Cornetto or something.

Well, they were there, and then everyone was like, because I missed a few out. I must admit, there was a few were there that I didn't, I just forgot about. So I think I had a wild card And frosty fruits only made it a couple of rounds, I remember Yeah, frosty fruits, it's too healthy. I thought the Mango Weebar would do well. Yes. And that's right, you seeded it really high and then it got knocked out immediately.

But aren't we learning from most of these results that even on Twitter, kind of in the comedy circles, people are incredibly boring. People are REM and silver chair and golden gay domes. Democracy does not work. Let's just... I mean, I like to think that if you'd put the golden gay time out there, that could have been used instead of the plebiscite for marriage equality. The point where the nation's embracing the golden gay time to that degree,

we didn't need to spend all that money on a postal vote. Yeah. It was just put a golden gay time, yes, no, everyone vote. That's your plebiscite. Either that or you do Australian comedians. Well, someone should have done that. Oh, you should have done that. I'll just annoy my friends by ranking them first off.

and then all the ones who didn't make it will be hitting me up in the DMs, go, hey, how come I didn't get this? No, they'll be sending you donations to get on the list. This could be a money-making topic. Actually, yeah, I should do that. Like the Oscars. I did Best Films of 99,

and that was another one where I'm like, all right, I'm out of this, because Magnolia got kicked out in the first round. That was terrible. The Matrix one, it was up against Toy Story 2. It was like, all right. And that was one where I realized everyone is wrong about their opinion on, because every single time I voted in that one,

I was in the minority. Like, just my taste is the opposite of everyone else. But Charles, your taste is completely non-mainstream. Like, I'm just depressed that all the results are so lame. Oh, how very pick me of the two of you. Toy Story 2 should have won. Toy Story 2 should have won every award. Two is the best movie.

It's the best movie ever made. Although Magnolia was very good as well. It was great. But wasn't there. One in that poll where you actually, it wasn't a 1999 film? I messed up. There was one film that was actually released in 98. Oh, Lockstock and Two Smoking Barrels was released in 98.

But then the American release was 99. So when I was doing the research for that on Wikipedia, it was in the 99. So I kicked it out and put something else in. I can't remember, oh, I put the Iron Giant in. Because when I first put it up, everyone was like, where's the Iron Giant? And so I put it in and it got kicked out straight away. It was like, there you go. What about Phantom Menace?

Yeah, that was cool. I had that rank number one because I ranked it in box office. Ah, very clever. And so that was a great one where the number one seed went out straight away. That's what you want to see. Yeah, that's what I wanted to see. Then I did solo artists. So, no, musical artists with one name.

With a single name. That's a good category. Yes. That's a great category. Because I thought Beyonce would win this, but she didn't even make it to the final. Really? How rude. Well, Prince, it came down to, uh,

Prince and Madonna in the final. How did Sting go? That's a generational. Sting wasn't in it. No, he wasn't it? Rihanna would be up there on sales. That's what I thought, yeah. That was the real eye.

So Drake was the number one seed for sales. I did it on monthly Spotify listens. Okay. Yeah. But it was true during that poll that every time Prince came up, you went, oh, yeah, I suppose they have to vote for Prince. Yeah. You know, yeah.

Yeah. What I liked about that one is people didn't really understand. what it was, because they kept on, people were saying, what about Bowie? I'm like, do you mean, do you mean David Bowie? No, not eligible. Someone was like, what about, yeah, there was Elvis, Streisand.

I'm like, these are all people we know their surname. Just names, yeah. That's very good. Just got normal names. Today's episode of the Chaser Report brought to you by unsupervised interns. Whoa, where are our bosses? I'm going to eat raw chicken.

Oh, my God, Lachlan. The big one was the final one I did, which was Best Chocolate Bar. Oh. Or snack kind of thing. And so this was the one that was the most depressing for me because all the interesting ones got kicked out straight away. It was like, it came down. The final four were like Mars, Eminem's Kit Kat and Snickers. Oh, yes, I remember seeing this on Twitter.

I was very happy with the result person. I got a lot of people saying, hey, you've made our morning Slack meeting. Like, people doing their morning offices, like, meetings are going, hey, there's this Twitter poll. If everyone wants to vote in it, we'll do our own little office one. They're lobbying for KitKed. Yeah, that was the one where people were going, people were saying, do you mean like KitKat, Chunky KitKat?

I'm like, it's just KitKat. Like, whatever, whatever that means to you, that is what it's, like, there was no, like, extra flavors in the other ones. The boost was just, it wasn't a Twin Pack boost. It was just a boost. And the winner was? Kit Kat, Kit Kat won. As it should be.

Which is sort of extraordinary because it's the blandest chocolate bar. It's the aureole of chocolate bars. How dare you. How? Justice for Kit Kat. What's not to like? It's like beautiful, creamy chocolate on the outside, way for Bikki on the inside. That's the best chocolate.

The driest and dullest of all biscuits. You can also get those flavors with other chocolate bars, which have other stuff in it. Like a chiquito has, I think, the same, similar stuff in it. Oh, too much. Too much wafer. You've got to have the perfect amount of wafer. If I have to chew it more than like four times, it's not a good wafer chockey. The Kit Kat is so boring.

They had to release it in a weird format with four fingers just to make it interesting. Well, someone said I'm celebrating now, and they'd bitten it like it was an apple, not even like taking a... I saw that. It looked like a bar graph. Yeah, and I was like, is this you trolling me? Is this what Kit Kat fans do to get back at people? I break like one finger off and then I eat all of the side.

of the chocolate and then I eat the wafer cookie. Yeah. So I angered someone because I said the Kit Kat was the crowded house of chocolate bars. It's like they're good. Like, and on paper they're pretty much perfect, but they're no one's favorite. Yes. Yes, that's right. And that angered some Crowder House fans.

There were two people arguing in my comments. I just look, I just stayed out of it. I'm not replying to either of these because, you know, I didn't insult Crowder House. I just said, I said they're almost perfect. Yeah, but you're right. Like you buy the Kit Kat so that other people will have something. to eat. Yeah.

You never buy it for yourself. No. Kit Kat is my favourite chocolate hands down. Oh, Gabby. It's my favourite chocolate hands down. I buy it like once a week. Well, you're in the majority then, Gabby. Fuck yeah.

I'm just wondering how we feel about this, because to me, any distraction during the pandemic online, absolutely awesome. Clearly people absolutely love this. And it got people talking about something other than case numbers. But when the results are as dull as these, isn't it, you put all this effort in Josh, she seeded it, thought of 32 amazing options for each one. And every time, Australian Twitter just went, oh yeah, let's go with the dull and familiar one.

Okay, all right, Dom. We're throwing around dull and familiar. What's your favourite chocolate, Dom? I don't have one. Oh, how dull and familiar. Well, there's no English translation for the one that he liked. It's probably a crunchy, actually. I'm going to go with the crunchy, reliable.

Oh, that's boring. I think there's even more boring than a kickad. See, I'm on record of saying they're not even the, that's not even the best honeycomb coated in chocolate, chocolate bar you can get. I think violet crumbles better. Justice for Violet Crumble. I think crunchies are,

you can put your tongue on the honeycomb and it all disappears. That's what I like about it. It melts in the mouth. Yeah, see, I'm not a fan. I like, I like a bit of crunch to it. So you don't like, wait, hold on, let me wrap my head around this, Dom. You don't like a wafer biscuit chocolate,

but you're happy to break your teeth on a fucking crunchy? They don't break your teeth. They melt. It crumbles, the crunch is the one that breaks your teeth. That shatters, yeah. I guess we're just showing why this worked, though, as a piece of content, aren't we? Sorry, I've got to make a correction. I said the Silverchair one.

They didn't powder finger one. Oh. No, that is very depressing. Powder finger is, you may as well just go to sleep. Uh-oh. I know you're not telling me that powder finger are worse than Silverchair. Powder finger are probably my least favourite Australian band that I can think of. Oh my God.

You're kidding. Oh. This is going to drive a riff between us, Dom. It's been based lobotomy listening to Patty. And what's silver chair? What original thought? Yeah, wow, grunge in 1996, two years after it was made famous by Nirvana. Good on you.

I was team clouds. If you don't know the clouds, Gabby, honestly, you're in for a real trait. Honestly. Will you like the clouds and the Simpletons and the Luxmits and all those band, Tom? I like, I like indie pop with hooks. Yeah. It's just really fun. So you're giving up.

You've created this. monster. Is it just too much work or is there too much too many arguments? It's also like life is going back to normal down here in Melbourne and I want to try and get off Twitter a bit and yeah, after 10 of them. So I was going to do one which was the poll of all the polls. So I had 10. So what was your best poll? So it was the one who got the most was but I think that's because Adam Scott has like a million people following. So it was going to be like REM, the matrix and radio head. That's a three way in the first. who do you choose out of those ones?

Then the golden gay time against one we didn't talk about, which was the best women's weekly birthday cake book, which was the train cake. Oh, no, justice for the duck. And he posted photos of all of them. You should go back through his Twitter feed. It's great because you get to say,

oh, my mum made that. Yeah, because the duck made it to Bluey. That's pretty big rubs. Yeah, I know, I know. Kit Kat versus Tim Tam, because Tim Tam won the best. Definitely Tim Tam. Yeah, definitely Tim Tam.

And then the last one, one is Powder Finger, Arctic Monkeys, and Prince. So there's a three-way one as well, because I did 10. So, yeah, so Arctic Monkeys won best what I called Landfill Indy of the 2000s. That's a great term. That's very good. So true. I was disappointed.

The strokes got kicked out very early. I thought that would run away with it. But no, the Arctic Monkeys, which I was surprised at. I didn't think, but then I thought the generation behind me really like the Arctic Monkeys. I don't know. I want more, Josh. I just think you need to quit your day, Josh. This needs to become what you do.

I disagree. You know what, Josh, go live your life. Go to poll rehab. Get away from it, all right? Because if you don't quit now, you'll never quit. What would be my next one then? Okay, where do I go? Clearly, the next poll is, should I do this for a living?

Okay. And how much will you pay me? No, no, but there's so many, like, low alcohol beers. Oh, yeah. Fun? You know, like, you haven't gone into booze. That's true. Yeah, someone said cordial flavors.

Oh, cordial. This is a great one. That's great. I don't think you'd get 32. You might have to do it at 16. Chip flavors? Chip flavors is a good. I think Ribina would win cordial flavors once you put it up there.

Fast food. A pleasant onion would win chip flavors. Or if I did McDonald's items, all 32 items, which is the best one. If you wanted to make some donation money but throw your morals aside, you could do best Murdoch papers. But you might have a bit of a hard time coming back from that one, Josh. But I also like the category of the landfill, like, selling. celebrating mediocrity.

Like, to me, powder finger being the most landfiel Australian artist, I would have enjoyed voting in that for them. So depending on the way you structure the poll, it could be endlessly fun.

Yeah, all right. Well, maybe I'll have this week off. Fair enough. If your listeners, hit me up and keep haranguing me, I'll do it.

It's Mr. Josh Earl on Twitter. And look, I think we've definitely decided Victorian of the year for 2021. We've gone Australia of the year. Yeah,

if I'm not King of Mumba, this time, year. Let's do another poll to try and get me King of Mover. Check out Josh's podcast, don't you know who I am? And don't forget to vote. If he does any more polls, you've got to get on board at Mr. Joshel on Twitter. As Australia opens up, it's important to follow the roadmap to achieving the new normal. Great.

Those who plan to visit friends and family interstate are encouraged to still stay in a hotel, not for quarantine reasons, just so they can have a break from you. Oh. As schools reopen, students will no longer be able to listen to music, play video games or watch Twitch streams during class. They must instead revert to sneaking an earphone through their shirt to keep up with the latest Taylor's version re-release or their only fan subscriptions. Oh, okay. All people should exercise social distancing so as to not run the risk of being stuck within body odour smelling distance of strangers who haven't left their house in two months. Hmm.

As you return to your workplace, if you live in Canberra, please wipe your desk before and after having a wank. After as well. According to the plan, we hope to get regular Aussies back to their normal state of not being able to name a Premier within six months. What a relief. With everyone's cooperation, by this time next year, we can all be back to gloriously living up our normal devastating grind. Oh. Authorised by the Australian government, Canberra, I'm talking very fast because I've got a hot date with a very attractive day. The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust.

Today's episode of The Chaser Report brought to you by unsupervised interns. Lachlan, Lachlan. Yes, Gabby. Why have you stacked all the chairs on top of each other? I am now king. I am king chairman. I am chairman of the board man. This is why we need an interview process.

So one of the joys of being back in the office in person, as I'm sure a lot of people are relating to at the moment, is I don't know how many people in their offices do like cute lunches, but we often in the chaser office, one of us will go out and get some lunch and bring it back. And I went to this little noodle place up the street from us, the dumpling and noodle place. Do they only sell little noodles? No, no, it's just a little building. It's like, it's like two square meters, right? It's tiny. It's like a house, isn't it? Is it the one that's like just basically a house? Yeah. Yeah. But they make, they make really, really good food. So I went and I was expecting to sit and wait for about 10 minutes like usual,

except they were taking a little bit longer and while they were taking longer with our order I just decided to sit down and wait and I overheard what is the most chaotically gross discussion I think I've ever heard between three typical coasty looking dudes who were eating in at this restaurant

and it was so small that I couldn't avoid hearing it so I decided to write down what was happening as it was happening in our work chat just so I would remember it for content like this the first thing I overheard was yeah you should come up to this Central Coast sometime if you want a trick or treat, hey, it goes off. Are they celebrating Halloween in the Central Coast? More so than anywhere else? And also, these people were older than me.

Yeah, are they tallies of Halloween? Is that a thing? I don't know, but they seem to participate in trick or treat, apparently. And I don't know what I would do if a near 30-year-old man knocked on my door saying trick-or-treat, I'd probably call the police. The next thing I ever heard about a minute later was, for how good is the cheeky bikini car? Hey, it's like so good for seeing a little bit of booty on the beach. And then another one of them replied, yeah, I remember when like those square cut swimsuits were all the rage and it was like a huge boner kill. So I'm really happy that the standard for men is definitely being upheld. And then, yeah, I would check out the northern beaches, beaches more, but the girls don't

really talk to me there. And then one of them just out of nowhere. Check out this photo. It's four turtles sitting on a rock. So good for them, I guess. And then the last thing I heard before I left was, don't let me see any women today after I've eaten these dumplings. You know what that means?

No, I don't know what that means. What does that mean? Well, that means, what's the danger? He's got chili on his mouth. Or garlic breaks. Oh, because God forbid women will be throwing themselves at you after this. I, oh, if you're going to have gross conversations, do it in hush tones like everyone else. You're from Bathis.

You don't understand this sort of coastal lingo. Well, I'm sorry. And witty repartee. I did pub gigs for six years. I have overheard all sorts of conversations. I just think there's something deeply wrong with my. most young men. And what I think you heard there was a lot of hateful bravado of the sort that is normal,

a banner between younger men. And then there was just a brief moment in the middle. Where a guy is one of the show of some turtles. They got together and looked at a photo of four turtles on a rock. And that was the only genuine moment in the entire conversation. The only moment where one of them showed any emotion. Four turtles on a rock is the cure to toxic masculinity. Yeah, I'm sorry, Don let you down like that.

We shouldn't have been it. It was actually you guys. We shouldn't have been there. Our gear is from Road Microphones. We're part of the ACAST Creator Network and you should leave a five-star review on iTunes or wherever you get your podcast and subscribe. And if you leave an iTunes review, you've got to make it, what do you've got to make it about this time? Dumplings.

Dumplings, yeah. Just please redeem my experience. Make it about bikini cuts. No, don't. And you should leave us review because in a way we're all just turtles sitting on the same rock, aren't we? Oh, my God. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important.

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