The Chaser Report - Karaoke with Clive

Episode Date: March 22, 2022

Dom has the latest report on a Hollywood blockbuster being filmed in Australia that has nobody hyped. Lachlan has the UAP's latest anthem stuck in his head. Plus Charles admits to committing fraud. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Welcome to the Chaser Report for Wednesday the 23rd of March. It's Gabby Bolt, Charles Firth, and Dom Knight back with you once again. And yesterday's podcast was a bit grim, wasn't it? It was a bit depressing, Charles. I mean, it was a bad miserable. Yeah, yeah. I sought professional help after the episode.

What to hear. Yeah, can you share those insights with us later on in the podcast? Can you get me a fucking discount on mine? Yeah, we should get it. Batch, shouldn't we? We should do group therapy. Oh, first therapist. Oh, first therapist.

That'd be great. So I really wanted to start today's podcast with some upbeat news, something that will bring joy and happiness. Yay. And make it clear that good things can still happen in the world. Yay. Which is that the production company legendary entertainment has confirmed that Godzilla versus Kong 2 will be filmed on the Gold Coast.

We've got the sequel, everybody. We've got it. We've got it in Australia. There was a first movie of the movie of the game. that? Yes. So you, I can tell by your tone, you're mocking this movie, right? But can I tell you, my 11-year-old has two obsessions in life.

One is Godzilla. The other one is King Kong. So when they brought out Godzilla versus King Kong, like, we were there on opening night. We were there, the day it opened. We have seen it now about four or five times. Yeah, what was it like? It's a terrible movie. Of course it's a terrible movie.

Yeah, what was it like having the whole theatre to yourself? The Godzilla is a very rich genre of movie, right? It's been around... Yeah, you're going to say dinosaurs. Since the early 1950s. And it's entirely to do with Japan's neuroses over Hiroshima, basically. It's an allegory for the sort of monster that Hiroshima unleashed. That's true.

It will be unkind and even racist for us to judge. It is a terrible film. And it really is about the neurosis of... embracing nuclear power as they did after Hiroshima. And yet, watch it on YouTube and you'll see that, yeah. Oh, you can watch it on YouTube. That's how you know it was a great film. There's $120 million coming in as a result of this.

The problem is it's going to the Gold Coast. But you know, my concern with filming anything on the Gold Coast is that, you know that it's impossible to know whether people have COVID or not on the Gold Coast? Everyone on the Gold Coast has no sense of taste. So you can't tell whether they've got COVID or not. I thought you were building up for a They've got permanently running noses You know what?

That joke would have killed in 2020 Absolutely slaughtered That one On today's show Lachlan has a new favourite song This is apparently the biggest item I did see it in bold font On the list

He's very keen about it Well we'll find out what that is And Charles You have explained on how to commit fraud Which I think it will be more useful It's more of a confession It's a confession That I've committed it

You never do that on the show. A massive fraud, and I'm a bit embarrassed. I'm looking forward to fighting out how this time, Charles. First, though, let's check in with Rebecca Dana Minow in the Charleston Newsroom. Prime Minister, Scott Morrison, has slammed the Labour Party over reports that the federal opposition refused to investigate a bullying complaint that was made months ago by Kimberly Kitching, with the PM telling journalists that the coalition would never bully a co-worker

while talking over a female colleague. Meanwhile, Australian media outlets have been heard cheering for the fifth day straight, celebrating their chance to be as sexist as possible while talking about infighting within the Labour Party, with Sky News host Andrew Bolt calling it his version of Christmas. Scott Morrison has announced a solution to the increasing teacher shortage around the country due to COVID and lack of funding by giving each school 70,000 tonnes of coal. The PM said he is confident that the coal will be able to fix the teacher shortage

the same way coal can solve every other problem in the world by allowing Gina Reinhardt to buy another yacht with taxpayer money. Defence Minister Peter Dutton has officially launched Australia's Space Force yesterday telling reporters that with everything going on in the world right now, clearly launching troops into space is the best use of government resources. A representative for the Australian Defence Force, told reporters that they are not sure when they will be able to go to space, however, as it will require special training to be able to commit alleged war crimes on alien farmers

without gravity to assist them falling from a cliff. From the Chaser News desk, I'm Rebecca Dayuna Muno, and I'm here to say happy hump day to all those who observe the holiday. It says on today's agenda, which was prepared by Loughlin, that we're talking about Loughlin's new favourite song, first up. I'm baffled here to explain more is Lachlan. Hi, everyone. Look, it's a podcast.

It's all about everything auditory, and so we've got to talk about music. Are you coming for my job? I am. I'm coming for Gabby's job. I'm coming for Triple J's job. I'm going to call it, I'm about to play for you guys, the next Triple J hottest 100 winner. Wow.

Is it the kind of song that if you were on Triple J, you'd have to call it like a sick banger? Yes, yeah. Yeah, this next one comes straight from the bowls right to you. It is the best song ever discovered. It only came out a week ago. Does it slap? It slaps.

It's a bop. All the kids are dancing to it in the clubs right now. Well, not right now. Hopefully they're all getting bloody Omicron, but sure. No, I assure you the people who are listening to this song will be in the clubs. Okay. There's a fair warning, though. It will ruin all music for you forever once you hear it.

Oh, fuck. Okay, well... I have. Just like most of Triple J's. Yeah, I suppose that was true. All right. So before we play, you know, just try and see if you can figure out what it's about. Okay, spin it, DJ.

Wooka, wika, wika. Fuck yeah. That's like Triple M so far. I'm hearing Keith. Told they were only two. They haven't got a clue. Right. Right.

Clive came along Clive? Clive. What's Clive singing? What? Wait, wait. What is it about? What do you think?

Wait. Wait. First question, was that recorded in 2022? Because that sounds directly from like 1991 Shithouse Country Radio. I have contacted the people who wrote it and it was recorded in the last month. Yep.

This is not an election song, Lachlan, is it? Okay, if you haven't figured, it out already play the next clip no that would be the united australia party that would be their kind of party because i guarantee you the most of them aren't getting invited many places Fucking hell. The UAP have released the definitive election anthem. Charlesie, you look stunned. Well, I don't understand Lachlan's mocking and Gabby's horror.

I don't know. I grew up in the 1980s. I don't particularly like Clive Palmer and everything like that. But I am now, I think I'm going to vote United Australia Party after that song. That's exactly what I'm saying. The era of those sort of 1980s jingles. Like, when we grew up, Bob Hawke would have a different song.

You ought to be, congratulated. Bob Hawke. I've just remembered the 1984 Labor song. Let's stick together. Coming up next on Triple J, Charles Perth sings the hits. And come on, Ozzie, come on, come on. That's cricket, isn't it? So this song came out about seven days ago on an advertisement for the United Australia Party.

that's now playing in front of every single YouTube video I watch, apparently. Yeah, you've been bored in now. But it's only a minute and a half long. However, after I contacted the United Australia Party, they sent me and then uploaded to their website a four-minute version where they've got everything from a long, repeated chorus to an electric guitar rip. Lachlan, are you claiming responsibility for more of this audio being unleashed upon the internet?

I think I am. I think I am, yeah. It's just a really good song. It's a good Aussie ballad about working hard and... Hardly working. In fairness to Clive, though, he has obviously spent more money on the arts than the entire federal government has done over the last three years. Yeah, you just know that that was recorded by out-of-work musicians

who fucking hated their lives, but hey, they were making a Mozart. Upon researching, I could not find who the musician was. So I am led to believe it's just one of Clive's friends. However, it's not the first time. I presume, based on Clive's purchasing, it's probably outsourced to China. Oh. Yeah, or it's just, isn't that just the shithouse cover musician who just used to play the bar at the Palmer resort and call them before it panned it let it become overgrow? Jim, I've been doing this all wrong.

The Jimmy Barnes of the North. Gabby, you should have gotten into writing political jingles. I mean, that's literally how I got my job here, but sure. I don't know what I was doing. Gabby, what, this is the thing. though it's not clive's first time using music to unite a nation he didn't win last time though and i'm led to believe that it was because last time he used music for for a campaign it was because it was a cover right a parody one's an original yeah let me bless you guys with the the beauty of

clive palmer singing his own cover of the song chameleon pama chameleon palmer chameleon Fuck no. Pomer, pomper, palmer, palmer's worth of beer. He's got 12 bulls, and he needs your boss. He doesn't like liberal labor or the greens. He likes bodies and cream. He goes to 17. Wait, wait.

I think my favorite part of that song is when he admitted he only had 12 votes. No, no, no. 12 boats and he wants your votes. I thought he was saying he's got 12 votes and he needs more votes. The magnificent thing about that is that it is absolutely certain to me that Clyde Palmer has no idea that that is a gay anthem. Thank you to bring that to our attention, luckily. I've got to say the new Palmer song, I've never heard an original song that sounded so

unoriginal. Oh, man. Until the other parties start using music to unite their voters, I think the election is Clives to win. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. I've got a little bit of a confession that I want to make.

Are we finally out of money? Yeah, come forth, my son. Ten Hell Marys. No, no, this is, as you know, I've been doing this show. I was in Adelaide for the last couple of weeks. And as part of the show, we did this thing at the end where we force everyone to stand up. Oh.

And do a standing ovation. Wow. And the whole point is, the way we pitch it, because the whole show is called spin, right? We say, look, what we're trying to do is we're trying to spin the people outside the tent into thinking that our show is much better than it is. And anyway, this will reflect really well on you because people will think that you bought tickets to, like, the best show at the fringe

because they'll hear this amazing applause and this amazing, you know, laughter. So we get them to stand up and then we just get them to go absolutely good. crazy right and it's totally worked right like throughout the fringe people would come up to me like you'd have people in you're going what was that show that was just on in the in that tent over there

I heard the most amazing cheer at the end so it totally worked right and I thought that was funny right and it was amusing to me personally but also it was my father the best part of our show right yeah but I sort of forgot

that you know like not everyone knows that that's what we were doing. It's only the people who've already seen the show that know that it's a sort of deeply ironic thing for me to say, oh, thank you so much for the standing ovation. So I posted on my Instagram a few days ago a little video of this amazing standing ovation that we got with these people just yelling, you know, their adulation at us. And I just posted this really quite heartfelt, but I thought sarcastic post going, Look, I just really want to thank everyone.

You know, I'm amazed. We had, like, standing ovations every night of the festival. And I just thought it was funny, right? But then what happened was all these sort of friends, but also colleagues that I respect from the industry, have been texting me going, oh, well done. I hear your show's amazing. And I'm too embarrassed to admit now that, no, no, it's a complete fraud.

I've got to be, because I feel like I've got to say I've, I saw Charles, I saw these posts and I thought, wow, this is such an asshole post. Like, it's just, all these things go, oh, we're so humbled by all the saddivations we've received every night. And I had two thoughts. The first thought was, that shows quite a bit better than I thought it was going to be. Oh. Step one.

And I thought, too, what a wanker. Like, surely, surely a performer who's getting, like, if you're, Hannah Gadsby or something and you're just getting a rave standing ovations every night, you play it down a bit and you're like, oh, shucks. And you certainly wouldn't post about it. Hell no, I'd be posted about standing ovations. If I got a standing ovation every night. I should have known that knowing you for all these years,

it was part of an elaborate sting to fake it. But I think that's brilliant. I applaud this because what you've done is you've leveraged, to use marketing speak, you've leveraged the sunk cost. everyone who's been after the event they've already paid you money so they may as well

caught other people into it so that they feel less bad about having to go and see your show I think this is great except for the fact that you've clearly not thought through one fatal flaw here Charles which is that we have to do spin I'm playing spin

tonight at Wollongong with you and now you've just given away your trick well the other problem is that Gabby will get a real standing ovation after her one, and then that'll ruin yours. Maybe it's an extra danger.

But I feel like, I don't think you understand, like I feel like I've gained real credibility amongst all these people that I respect. Like, I can't tell you, like, all these sort of genuinely established comedians have been contacting me going, oh, well done, I'm so proud of it.

But what do I do? Do I, because if I fess up, I'll just look like a total fuck wit. But if I'd sort of trade on the credibility. It's like, you have integrity if you fess up, though. Yeah. I don't think I want integrity, though.

No, you've just got to keep, you just got to keep going. Like, the next show you got advertised with standing evasions every night. And really, I would just go with, they call me Charles Mr. Standing Ovation Firth. Yeah. That's my thing now. Charles, I, strangely, I'm proud of you. I kind of like that it was actually just a bullshit scam. Yeah.

And not the result of genuine artistic brilliance. It's the best stunt we've pulled all fucking years. So in honor of my emotions, Gabby, come on, get up. Yep. Here we go. Here we go. Charles first. You've got a Zoom view.

You've got a Zoom view. I'm standing evasion. Two people. Wow, not at all for us. It's not real. If I say here, do I get more money? This is just out of pity, really. Yeah.

It gets sad the longer it goes on, doesn't it? Well done for finding a way to finally win fake plaudits from your crowd. Yeah. Geer is from Road microphones. We're part of the A-Cast Crater Network. We're back tomorrow. How long is too long? Well, it's way too long already.

Like, even for fake reasons, this has got on for too long. like clap at home everyone and jump on can i just can we keep the joke going jump on apple podcasts and give a five-star review and just say this podcast is worthy of a standing evasion yeah or just leave like clapping emojis just be part of the joke like we know it's not worthy of a standing evasion that's that you're in on the joke yeah go on apple podcast and give us five-star reviews right now yeah see you tomorrow for another not actually worthy of a standing evasion podcast tomorrow we're going to do the whole podcast like this yep see you later bye we can start clapping Oh, thank God, my hands are tied.