The Chaser Report - Kate Middleton Being "Alive" Won't Stop Conspiracy Theories

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

Dom Knight has the latest on sighting of Kate Middleton. Meanwhile Charles Firth has ACTUAL PROOF that Prince William had an affair with Rose Hanbury. Screw it, I guess we're full-blown Royal commentators now. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, I'm surveying the media landscape to try and work out what we should talk about on today's podcast. And the one thing we can't talk about is the fucking Royals again. That's just so boring. We can't. We can't.

Except that. Except that Charles yesterday on the podcast. We drew a line in the sand and we said, you know, there's been no evidence. Hours later, just a couple of hours later, there was a photo. And indeed a video, there was a video of Kate Middleton in public. What?

No, there wasn't. Or was there? What? Yeah. Really? Yes. So they listened to us. We solved the mystery.

And then they did the drop. And then it unveiled a deeper mystery. We have to. Right, okay. I don't know about this. Can you enlighten us? Just before I do. Yeah.

Even more surprising, another photo has been killed. Well, is that the same one as the one that they drop? Because I don't think you've got your information correct, Dom. This photo features the queen. What? Yes. Is she alive? Is she dead?

I've actually got a whole theory about what is exactly happening. How deep does the rabbit hole go? We'll get into it after this. Where do we start, Charles? Probably with the video. Is that the one that you texted me yesterday shortly after we recorded that show? Within an hour or two. Yeah, because I want to debunk that.

Okay, let me just say what it says here, okay? This is from New York magazine, so nothing to do. Oh, okay. A really reputable source, nothing to do with the Sun, nothing to do with the Royal kind of cavalcade of people. And they say, you can stop worrying about Kate Middleton because the Royal was spotted visiting a farm shop outside London on Saturday, and now this video to prove it. Oh, shit, Charles, they've quoted the Sun.

Yeah, so that whole Sun article, because you texted me that Sun article. Yes. And I went and read it. because I'm now a royal watcher. You are a white, Royal Watcher. And it was the most hilarious article in the world because they named several, no, they quoted several people who'd seen Kate Middleton,

all of whom refused to divulge their name to the newspaper. And none of whom had a phone on them to actually take a photo of Kate Middleton. It's even better. So there was a quote of a sighting, they spoke to the sun. Yes.

She'd been in the village. A little later on. there was video of her smiling, dressed in a hoodie and leggings and carrying a shopping bag. It was actually a video. Nelson Silver, aged 40, was shopping for steak at the farm shop when he spotted Kate and William in the bread aisle. So that's the video that's being discussed here. Exclusive, Kate Outdoors and so on. But people are still doubting it because of the way that the video was released.

They started recording before Kate entered the frame. and everyone's saying it's staged, it's fake, it's not real. But here's the thing that gets me most of all, is that the farm shop, as far as I can tell, sells stuff from their farm. Why would they need to shop at a farm shop for the Royal Farm? We've been on too far into this. Yeah, I don't think, I just, like any,

because the Sun, all the pictures that were in the Sun article from yesterday that everyone's quoting as proof that Kate exists. They're all just photos, they're old photos. Like the whole story, was how there are no photos deal, right? And I, like, I don't know, I don't know, like, where's this video? Where can I see this video? Where's this video?

Show me the video. NBC News, it was reporting that there's a video. There's reporting that there's actually a video. There's no video. This is, like... You're one of these conspiracy theorists who won't believe anything now, aren't you? I'm just... What do you mean?

I won't believe what? I won't believe that there's no video. Because there is no video. I've seen the video. Where's the video? Okay. Kate Middleton farm shop into YouTube. Let's get this sorted out.

No, because every time they post a video, it then turns out that it's from 2017. Okay, this is from TMZ. You can't get better than TMZ. That's as reputable as it gets, all right? Here we go. Here we go. TMZ.com will narrate it.

Now they start rolling. Is a dude with a cap? Is that weird? You're allowed to start rolling when you're shooting a video. Is that a dude with the cap? Oh, okay. That's a princess. It's a walking princess on a shitty smartphone video.

Yeah. And they just looped it. It's about three seconds. seconds long. And so how do we know that it was yesterday? We don't. How do we know it's her? How the body doubles are very common. Kim Jong-un apparently has many body doubles. So does Putin. But also why didn't proper pap's? Yeah, it's a good question. Why didn't proper pet get it, but some guy... Proper paps. Yeah. It's a very good question. Okay, so the tea I have, which I must say, having seen that video, you go, okay, so she's alive.

Is this a royal podcast now? Yeah, but this is the tea I've got, which is the MET police have been told, to put aside the 19th of July as a holiday free day. Like, you're not allowed to get any time off. You can't, on the 19th of July. Yeah. And everyone's going, well, it can't be the funeral because Charles isn't dead yet, and presumably Kate isn't dead yet. And so what it must be is that King Charles is going to abdicate, right?

And they've probably known this for a little while, ever since Charles got his diagnosis. This is a royal bombshell and a half. And the whole thing is, And this is, this is my thinking is Rose Hambry has two sons older than George, right? Oh. So if William can quickly divorce Kate and get married to Rose Hambry before the coronation, before Charles abdicates. Then she can be queen.

Then she can be queen. Whatever. She can be queen and it will change the order of succession over to her two kids whose father is none other than Prince William. Oh my goodness. And if you want any further proof that this is true. Then the no proof you give it a sofa. If you want any further speculation, sure.

The thing is that William, like, there were only two people who weren't direct line of, you know, succession on the balcony during King Charles's coronation. Oh my goodness. They were, I just thought into this. They were the two sons of Rose Hamer. who happened to be older than George. George and Kate and all her kids are about to be cut out of the order of succession because William's about to divorce Kate and Rose Hanbury who has a claim because she's

actually got legitimate airs. As long as she's married to William by the time he gets coronated, we'll end up being... There's so much more evidence here, Charles, by which I mean no evidence at all. They're twins. The oldest kids, one of them's the Earl of Rock Savage. Yeah. And the other one is... I want a king called the Earl of Roxavis.

So there's Alexander Hugh George Chumley. Yeah. And he's the Earl. And there's Lord Oliver Timothy George Chumley. And what I heard was they were born by Caesarean. So there isn't an older one. So they had to decide which one was... This is how stupid the monarchy is.

They had to decide who was going to be the Earl, which one would only be the Lord, which one would inherit the title. What do you think the fairest way is? You just weigh them. whoever is sort of lighter. I think that's what they did. Yeah, yeah.

That's, that's... I think that, they're heavier. Isn't that insane? No, that's standard. That's fair. That's just normal. So just because you happen to have sucked down a little bit more nutrients and sort of starved, actually that's what you need to be.

Survival of the feast. Yeah. Isn't that completely insane? I know, imagine the inferiority complex that the second job must have. I mean, they will make, they will make William and Harry look like, like friends. Yes. Can you imagine how much?

The second one's going to spend his entire life. Plotting the down ball. Poisoning them. How extraordinary. So you reckon that they're Williams kids? They are definitely Williams' kids. Definitely. I have proof.

You have proof. After this. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. Okay. So I don't quite have proof. But everyone's saying that's clearly true.

Everyone's saying you turned into Donald Trump. Okay, so look, there's a picture of them together. They look a bit similar. They look pretty William-y. Alongside Prince George. And they're older than George. This is, this is going to happen, is it? It's going to happen.

And the reason why, and because the whole point about Kate is, she was always called Waity Katie, right? She was. Waity Katie, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because the thing is they went out, she dated William in like at uni or whatever. And then they broke up and she just, was always remained there, you know, by the side because actually she's quite ambitious. She wants to be queen.

Well, she's seeing what Camilla's done. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. No, no, no. This is Kate. Oh, Kate wants to be queen. Sorry, okay, yeah. And so everyone's saying, well, you know, like, no matter what happens, like, she'll put up

with anything from William just to be queen, right? Right. But the whole point is, if William is the one who's wanting the divorce, because Rose Hanbury's gone, well, hang on, those kids, if I don't get. in now, you know, like, it was all fine when Prince Charles, King Charles looked like he was going to serve for another 10 years. Right. But now with the diagnosis, it seems like it's all on. We've got to get our cards in order. We've got to actually knock off Kate right now and get married to William before he, the coronation happens, because that's the point at which

Oh, she's the queen. She, you know, like, his he's, like, her, his airs at that point, he's legitimate is who he is married to at that point. But Charles, if you've learned nothing from Henry the 8th, you can just kill them all later if you want to. Look at Anne Boleyn. But Anne Boleyn's daughter became queen. What's wrong with us? What are we doing?

What does podcast turn into? These people are... I feel like we should talk about interest rates. Should we talk about interest rates? No, but just before we do, just before we do. I'm just going to have to... Look, unless somebody dies, this is going to actually the last... And also, have we passed $7 million or is that sort of slowed down?

Oh, we actually have. Yeah. Thank you for everyone who sent in the reasons why you're the 7 million listening. We don't want to be anymore now. Charles, still has the $700 trillion to give away. I've got the $700 trillion to give away. We'll do that on tomorrow's podcast. Okay, sure.

But I have to explain the other story. Now, this is much less insane than your story. Oh, okay, right. Not that there's anything wrong with insanity. But, I mean, look, if you're right, Charles, If this is like the submarine, I'm going to be so impressed if Rose Hanbury becomes the next queen. All right, so the hilarious thing is,

so either there's a huge conspiracy going on or Princess Catherine is just really shit at Photoshop. Right, yeah, so there's another photo. So what's this? So this photo, it was taken in Baueril in August 2022, and it's got the queen, I'll show it to you, the queen's surrounded by grandchildren and great-grandchildren without poor old Harry.

kids, of course. And so they went back and looked at all the photos that Catherine had taken because she thinks she's a bit of an amateur photographer, right? And they found quite a few errors in the photo. So she actually, so none of this was a lie. This is true that she just enjoys Photoshop. She sucks at Photoshop. Yeah.

And because she's surrounded by people she pays to work for her, no one can say to her, mom, you're absolutely shit. Mom, you suck. But get images. has said it though and there's lots of inconsistencies and there's a vertical line with the queen's tartan doesn't match there's dark shadows between behind louis ear there's also there's kind of weird patches on their cheeks like both of the boys have these weird pink patches on their cheek um and it goes on from there and there's there's i think they've

they've certainly highlighted four separate things and it looks like one of them has that weird pixelation that she did last time look at the weird pixelation next to the hair like the hair of one of the girls there, one of the Tyndall, like me, a Tyndall, has screwed up, which only tells me one thing, which is that the Princess of Wales should be doing Photoshop for the Chaser. She should be doing stuff for our website.

It is on about the right level. Yeah, as the Chaser Photoshop skills. Mom, please, if you want to, if you want to do terrible, I mean, this thing, everyone knows that the photos are bad, they're almost bad on purpose. So there you go. So if she does die in all this, the

world will lose. I don't know that She's done much else in her time, but we will lose a hilariously bad photo editor, if nothing else. But do you think maybe there's sort of bigger picture that we can step back? I hope so. I hope so. Because frankly, this has been a pretty shit podcast so far. Sorry for listening. If this is the $7 million, if this is the one that takes aside for $7 million, we're going to be very embarrassed.

I think that if we take a step back, we go, we've been distracted for days. But that is the role of the monarchy, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. To distract attention away from power. Yes. It's having its effect. Like, how did we, you know, of critical analysis where, you know, some of the top commentators in Australia. Sure.

If not the world. If not the top. Yeah, the top. People, thousands of people every day hang on our analysis. Yeah, exactly. Like, how did we get suck it into this? So much so. Because it is, there is something fascinating about it because it's got everything.

It's got crap Photoshop jobs. Me, like, I think part of it is that they are, like, they are so privileged, and yet they are as mediocre as your next to a neighbour. That's, that's it. Not us, not as mediocre as us, because we are very respected commentators. Yeah, yeah. As mediocre as you're next to a neighbour.

Is that part of the allure? It's sort of relatable. It's very relatable. It humanises them. Yes, because who hasn't gone off and had an affair with multiple other women, some of whom have birthed twin children who had to be weighed to, work out who was going to be the Earl. Yeah, I mean, look, we've all been there.

I mean, it's all just, it's all, it's the same stuff that you see on neighbours or home and away. Haven't we all gone? Oh, that family photo looks a little bit crap. What I'm going to do is introduce a weird digital artefact that makes my daughter's hand look deformed. I've done to do that on every second photo. Oh, yes.

And then distribute it to my 19 million followers on Instagram. And then, you know, let's walk down to the farm shop for our own farm. And do the shopping. like a normal person. Yeah, actually, that's the sign that that's not Catherine. Yes. She doesn't go to the shops? Are you kidding me?

That's the double. Maybe there's multiple other kates. So have I told you my theory about Kate Middleton's doubles affair with Vladimir Putin's double? Can we stop? I think that's enough. That would be a great revelation, though. That's all they need is a little bit of Novichok being introduced into Windsor. That would really put the cat among us.

the pigeons. Can we go, yeah, now? Are we allowed to go? I mean... I'm just going to check what... I'm going to check the sun see if there's any more breaking news. Because last time we ended the podcast in a couple of hours later.

We thought she was dead. I mean, this is such an evolving story. Maybe we should turn this into a sort of 24-hour live broadcast thing. It's a true crime. Yeah. Oh, this is true crime. They're so fawning. Like, I'm showing you the Sun website now.

All it's got is a giant jiff of Kate smiling in the completely staged photo drop. That's all that they have. What's wrong with Murdoch? Does he like these people now? Well, you know. Oh, they've got a body language expert to analyze the video. Oh, yeah. And what does the body language expert say?

She's quashing the rumours. She's shaking it off, Charles. She's a veritable Taylor Swift. I think we don't pat ourselves on the back enough, Charles. I think our ability to get, well, 18 minutes of content out of literally fuck all is very impressive. I'm going to read The Sun more often. Yeah. Yep.

Very good. Yeah. Let's not talk about the Royals tomorrow. Charles, there's real people with real lives out there. Yeah. Real shit photoshopping jobs. We'll do interest rates on hold. That thrilling story.

I can't wait for that. Gary is from Road, a part of the iconic class network. And we'll see you tomorrow. If you bear with us, I promise we won't do this again.