The Chaser Report - Kill All Men('s Sport)

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

Dom proves yet again that the era of men's sport is over as the Australian women's teams continue to dominate in their fields. Meanwhile, Charles shares an insider secret on how to not lose a finger with one simple trick. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Charles Firth and with me today, as always, is... Dom Knight! That's the first thing I get to say is my name. Hello, Charles. How was your weekend? Well, I've got some really good news about the weekend, actually. Which is that I did not lose any fingers this weekend.

Excellent. Well, that's the breaking news. We'll also discuss the cricket, because we kind of have to. It's great. It's going really well. Okay, we'll find out how that is. Plus, we're going to find out why every time I go to the supermarket now, I feel the need to put on a bit of makeup and, you know, put some fudge in my hair and really get dressed up. Do you put fudge in your hair?

Yeah. Do you really think you've got enough hair for that, most? All right, let's kick it off with the most important news, which is about you. Yes. I didn't lose any fingers this weekend. which is sort of a weekend miracle. Wow. Because I don't know whether you can see Dom.

We're sitting in my dining room at the moment. There is a very large sort of black piece of wood that's built. Yeah, it looks kind of like a bit of set or a desk. I was too polite to ask why he had a massive piece of furniture blocking much of the space in the room. Well, what is it and why is it there? It's because me and my son are building a terrarium. Oh, well, no, it's not a terrarium. It's whatever a lizard enclosure is. Oh, terrarium sounds right.

So our bearded dragons, see that little bearded dragon. There's a bearded dragon in the room. Name of flood, likes to wander. And he's eating a little bit of carrot or celery now. But he is growing too big for that enclosure. In fact, I think it's actually below Australian standards now. Oh, okay. Because it's only...

It's pretty big to my... It's almost like a meter wide. It's too small. So instead, we're upgrading him to this one, which is, I think, 1.2 metres long and 60 centimetres deep, 70 meters high. And we've built it now. We've now got to jigsaw some holes for all the ventilation.

Because, no, it looks like if you put any creature in it, it would not only become miserable, but also die very quickly. Yes, yes, exactly. Like, it's just basically a big black hole at the moment. Yeah. And you've got to make it all. have light and color and, uh, and, uh, and air. And so, anyway, I bought a jigsaw. And I was, and so I've never used to jigsaw. Yes. And I all weekend was saying, you know,

especially to my other son, Angus saying things like, oh, well, you know, we're just going to start jigsawing now. So we should be at the hospital in about two hours. Um, and then, you know, we made sure we had enough ice in the freezer. Oh, really? So that if one of our fingers got cut off, we could work out how to preserve it. I heard somewhere, and don't take this as medical advice, you meant to put it in milk. You heard that? You put the severed finger in milk.

Oh, see, we didn't know. I'm glad you told us. Well, I'd have to check it out. Yeah, that's good advice. Like frozen milk? No, no, just regular milk. I'll check that as we speak. Yeah.

I would have thought that milk would have too much bacteria. Well, maybe it's a good thing. Yeah, maybe the bacteria. Anyway, so the really good news is we got through a whole weekend of jigsawing without removing any limbs at all. I'm very impressed. Mind you, my son, my younger son didn't realize that I was joking the whole time. And quite late in the process, like about halfway through the day, he said,

Dad, why are you going to go to the hospital this weekend? That was a joke, son. And it was like, oh, thank goodness. Okay, do you want to know what you've got? to do. I've got the advice here. This is from healthline.com provided by the American Association of Orthopedic Surgeons. And this is the American Association of Dairy Farmers. Yes, that's right. So, um, point one. Yeah. Get someone's attention to help. Yes. Um, I think the, ah, help. Did that work? Um, any machinery in use should be turned off.

So turn off the jigsaw. So no shit, Sherlock. Don't. Mind you, this is for Americans. So Yeah, yeah, that's right. Don't remove any jewelry or clothing from the injured area. So if you've got jewelry that's caught up, whatever, you just leave it. Right here. Call an ambulance or ask someone to rush you the ER. Now, this is the most important bit. Yeah.

If, I'm quoting here, if you have a complete amputation, look for your severed finger part. Yes. Or ask someone to look for it. So you don't have to look. Don't be a hero. Yeah, don't be a hero. If you're suffering from shock because you just cut your thumb off, don't feel you're the one who's got to find it.

But don't you feel like you'd be the most. invested in finding it. I mean, you definitely want to find it, right? And although surely it won't be that hard to find. Like you go, oh, look, oh, which one of all these fingers that's lying around in the blood is mine. Okay. So then you lightly winced the injury with water or saline, cover it with a dressing,

elevate it above your heart. Now, this is the key. What? Elevate the severed finger above your heart. Yeah. No, elevate your hand. Oh, your hand. Because if your hand is at a higher level than your heart,

your heart can't get the blood up there so easily. But then how do our brains work? It's a miracle that they work at all. Don't squeeze a tightly bandage. Now, the milk thing is wrong. Here's what you do. Wash it with water or saline. Don't scrub it, Charles.

Don't scrub the taping wound on your hand. Cover the finger in a damp, gauze wrap. Put it in a clean, waterproof bag. Yes. And then put that in a bigger plastic bag and then put it on ice. So you're quite right. On ice. No milk.

Okay. Now, this is a really important point. This is the thing I most want you to remember, okay? Yeah. If more than one finger's been amputated, put each in its own clean bag. That way, if one of them's infected, it can't pass it on the other.

Otherwise, if you put three in the same bag, yes. One rotten apple, the whole barrel gets so spoiled it. I'm all out. Don't set it directly on ice, but surround it with ice. I feel like I should have looked this up before. embarking on my jigsaw journey. But, well, no, that's good news for next weekend

because I've still got lots of... You've still got lots of cutting to do, yeah. And full-length fingers severed at their base may be more difficult to read. Oh, really? Oh, I thought it was the opposite, because I said, like, let's get a nice big, clean cut. No, partially severed fingers or fingertips are more likely

to be reattached, apparently. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, dear. When the finger isn't reattached. Oh, yeah. If there's too much damage or it's been too long, you can't do it. You still need surgery to repair your wound and they'll use a flap or a graft made from your skin to cover the injured sight and close the wound.

And the question I have is, say they can't reattach it, but you've left your jewellery on there. Yeah. Because, you know, that was the instruction. Do you get to have the jewelry back or does the doctor keep it? Like, is this a bit of a scam? Could be. It's a scam. I think you'd want to keep the finger to feed to your bearded dragon in this situation.

So something good came out of it. Oh, bloody, bloody, bloody. Now, speaking of fingers and hands, the Australian men's cricket team. Oh, men's. Oh, sorry, I thought we were going to discuss the cricket. So I automatically assumed it was the T20 World Cup women's performance that you're talking about. In South Africa. Which has been four from four.

And they're on top of the leaderboard because they're so fucking good. I didn't realize. So the men's were playing as well with it. We don't need to address that really at all. Yeah, because the thing is, I looked up the Cricket Australia website, cricket.com. Atu, the only score, so on the front page of their website, they have three scores, right? The top three scores. Yeah.

And the top of three scores that they are currently showing are the Sheffield Shield. Yep. Victoria versus South Australia. the Women's T20 World Cup, New Zealand versus Sri Lanka. That's what Australian fans want to know about, yep. And the Pakistan versus West Indies T20 World Cup. They are the three. They do not mention...

The other thing. We don't have to mention that. Yeah, I don't think we do. Looking at the table here, Charles, of the ICC Women's T20 World Cup, in group one, the first group, Australia are on top, undefeated. We've got the highest net run rate in the top. tournament. I know.

It's incredible. It's all good. Look, I, you know, I keep on seeing these headlines about a crisis in Australian cricket and go, what crisis? The crisis is that we can't get a decent game. Yeah, we can't get a decent game. There's no competitiveness. Yes, exactly. I just think maybe they could spare one or two players, the women's team, to go over to

India and just run a few coaching classes. Just a few tips. Maybe, you know, teach Matt Renshaw, for example, how to bat. I think that is a bit beyond hope. One message they might like to say is that if your teammates have gotten out en masse by trying to play a sweep shot, a shot that no one in the Indian team plays, maybe you shouldn't then try a sweep yourself to show them how it's done. And say that applies for all eight sweep shots that you got out to in the last test.

That's right. So maybe just temporarily forget about the sweep shot. You know how intelligence is marked by your ability to learn. learn from your mistake. Yes. Yeah. No, not in that. That's right.

And looks like David Warner is going to be out for the next test. Because not only did he get concussed, he's got a fracture of his elbow. Yes, no, it's not going well for it. But can I say, having had a fracture of your elbow, I bet you his fracture is not as good as my fracture was. Your fracture was. The actual orthopedic surgeon said it was the best smash of a radial joint he'd ever, like he'd seen in 10 years. Well, plus, you were trying to.

ride a bike home from Yomcha while drunk. Yes. Whereas David Warner was trying to bat. And frankly, your endeavour was much more worthwhile than David Warner trying to bat in a test match. Yeah, exactly. Like, give up. Go home. Just go home and watch the women's cricket.

It's really good. Is this the end for David Warner? I think it might be. I mean, as long as he doesn't try and coach the women's team. Yeah. I wonder whether if he just sandpapers his elbow. He'll be sandpapers. We could follow the advice for a seventh finger.

No, so look, I agree. I think we should also when the women's football World Cup happens in Australia very, very soon. We won again against the Spanish in the warm-up tournament, the women's team. We've spent too long paying attention to men's sport. There's no upside in men's sports.

It's not enjoyable. Yes. And also, even when Australians are good, they're dicks. That's true. Nick Kierios. I haven't heard a single scandal involving poor behaviour. I haven't heard of anyone using sandpaper in the women's cricket team at all. Not a single person.

I haven't heard of any abuse of umpires. No race taunts. You might even, are they playing a different sport from cricket? Maybe you're right. Maybe it's a bit too boring. Are they playing the same sport as the men? I don't know.

I don't think so. I think, yeah, like, because the whole principle of cricket is to cheat. Yeah, to cheat and what was the Steve Warf phrase to mentally disintegrate the other team?

Yes. Yeah, you don't sledge them because that's unsporting. What you do is you just basically try and undermine their confidence. You just torture them. Make them hate themselves. But in a sporting way. Mind you, the Australian men's cricket team should probably hate themselves anyway,

just based on the evasive evidence. They can look at the scorecard. I don't think at this point the Indians need to say anything. Yeah, no. They asked Jeddah, one of the bowlers. The really mean thing that the Indian team did was they put a mirror in the Australian cricket team's dressing room. Well, they asked Jadajo, one of the Indian bowlers. Well, who got the man of the match?

Yeah, should Australia have played the sweepshot in this test? And he laughed and said, not on this pitch. So, I mean, do you think India could spare a player to coach the men's team and just point out the obvious, such as this pitch clearly doesn't favour sweeping at all, stop it? I mean, there must be television broadcasters and betting agencies over in India that don't have a commercial interest in every test match basically being decided after day two. True, it is very boring.

I mean, I was listening on the commentary. I was listening to the ABC commentary on the weekend. I think every commentator made the point that it was insane to play the sweepshot. So maybe they could ask someone who understands cricket to just explain a bit of tactics. They should listen to ABC Grandstand as they're going out to bat. That would be a very good idea.

Yes. Very good idea. The Chaser Report. you can't trust now charles i've noticed i didn't want to raise it but as you said it at the start of the episode yes you've been getting very dressy lately around the place i see you walking down the street yes and it's like you're going i don't know for a job interview or are you cheating on us with another podcast what's going on what's all this dressiness no no just no it's not huge don't it's just like a little bit of foundation to sort of get rid of spotchiness bit of eyeliner to sort of

highlight my eyes and you're zushing yourself a bit of product in the hair to sort of bulk it out and just making sure you look nice because if you go to woolies now they video everything that you're doing you basically it's sort of like reality television but a really really boring oh wait a minute that is reality and so i just sort of think this is all being recorded you don't want to like whenever you go on stage, you want to make yourself look good. And essentially, a trip to the supermarket now is pretty much the same as being on prime time television. It's an audition, isn't it?

Yes. Because what I've heard they can do now with all these self-scan checkouts that they've got is that not only are they videoing everything that you do, but they actually have artificial intelligence to work out whether or not you have correctly scanned the thing. So you know the old trick of you get a premium thing and scan it in as though it's like a different vegetable or like for cheap of it. So the camera will now analyze whether you've done the wrong thing. And what it will do, not only will it pin you and say, I think you've made a mistake, buddy,

it will play back the video of you doing the wrong thing to prove that they've got it. Now, admittedly, given that it's artificial intelligence, it will be a video of someone else doing this and not you. We'll stuff it up somehow. But no, essentially what they're trying to say is we're watching you. We're watching you. Big Brother is watching you. 24 hours a day.

Don't be dishonest because we'll check you. Another way to solve this problem. But computers can't feel shame, right? Like, in some ways, isn't it easier to just trick the computer knowing that willies won't have employed a single human to do this? And so therefore, you should just keep trying to trick it. Oh, yeah, because it's not going to. Because actually, they're not going to go, hey, buddy, you know.

You should be ashamed of yourself. Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself because they're a fucking computer. They've got no moral framework. I imagine Willie did the maths and worked out that it would be far more expensive to pay for all this AI software than to just hire checkout people. But they didn't want to employ people. They wanted to employ programmers not, you know, checkout. I wonder whether if you took photos of a whole lot of cheap item and sort of used them to cover. So, you know, you get, I don't know, a pound of caviar or something like that.

And like hide underneath a picture of. Hide it under a picture of some onions. Yeah. You go, oh, I've got a kilo of onions that's 3.40. and then tape the caviar and just sort of slide it into the bag. You'd only be smart enough to realize. I don't think it would. You'd pop up going, idiot, that's a piece of faith, four paper.

What do you take me for? I don't think so. They don't have depth perception. They're not going to be. It's not the same kit that it costs $10,000 to do in a Tesla. It'll be like a fucking video camera, won't it? It'll be the same as the capture technology. And the Tesla ones, don't work.

And the Tesla, very expensive self-driving computers. There's been another incident over the wheel. They don't work. So how's Willie's ever going to know? Exactly. I think this is all a load of fucking bullshit from Woolies. And I'd be interested. If anyone has managed to successfully...

Trick the scanner. Tick the scanner. Email us at podcast. Atchaser.com. And we can sort of try it out ourselves. We can spread the word. I've got a good way of defeating it. I just basically put on a little bit of makeup, a bit of foundation, put a bit of

Fudge, wear a red head balding wig, and it thinks I'm you. But is the point that it's so easily fooled that it actually thinks that I'm good looking, then? Yeah, it did actually say, how you doing it on the screen? How you do it? No, but I'll tell you a remarkable breakthrough. I was down at Aldi on the weekend. Oh, yeah. And they have an amazing technology.

I don't know whether Coles and Woolies are ever going to go this far, because it's very, very advanced. But their automated system means that when you place your own bag and press the button, I'm bringing my own bag, it then allows you to keep buying it without having a red light flashing and the store security. What? Can I actually figure out how to make that work? Yes. And then when you take off that bag and put on another bag, it lets you press a button saying,

I'm using my own bag, and you can continue doing it without having store security. I mean, this is unprecedented. It actually works. That's remarkable. How Valde managed to figure out, though, how to make it so you can't just basically take a $5 bottle of wine and drink half of it in the aisle to slate the demons that constantly try and take it. Once they've figured that out, then, you know, then I'll really be impressed. Our gears from Road. We are part of the Iconiclast podcast network.

Catch you tomorrow.