The Chaser Report - LIVE at Grapes of Mirth Pt1 | Nazeem Hussain | Merrick Watts

Episode Date: October 31, 2022

Charles and Dom are joined by Merrick Watts and Nazeem Hussain at the Grapes Of Mirth festival! The panel discuss Prince Harry's new book, the oncoming nuclear war, and how to tighten up your home budget. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Tuesday, November 1st, Loughlin joining you here again today. Dom and Charles will be back in a bit because we've got something a little special prep for everyone over the next couple of days. It's something that we have done before. It's something that we said we'd never do again because of how. poorly it was received. We've actually decided we're going to have live podcast episodes again for you all. Now, don't leave just yet. It's not us getting pissed at a pub and something

we completely organised ourselves at no budget. It's actually something a lot better than anything we could have put together. It's with the festival, Grapes of Mirth, an amazing comedy wine arts festival that happens in Adelaide. And we were, we were, were lucky enough to be approached as well as lots of other comedians to come down to Adelaide, join them for the wine tasting, put on a couple of shows, and they'd record everything for us to upload to you guys. So that's what we've got for the next couple of days. We've got some very special guests who are joining us over the course of a few episodes. And I think Dom and Charles seemed pretty sober the whole time. So look out for these different episodes

in your feed, and then as soon as we've run out of them, we'll resume back to the standard Chaser Report with Charles and Dom that you all love. All right, I'm out. Have fun. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Thank you so much for being here and staying out. What an excellent venue this is. This is a beautiful space, although I've got to say, barrels in South Australia feels a little edgy, doesn't it at this point? It's a little bit uncomfortable, but it's great. Thank you for being. Please welcome Nazim Hussein and Merrick Lights, ladies, gentlemen. Yeah, we had a...

Two, two, one, two. Where's your mic? This is a podcast, only white men get to actually be heard. And Nazim's just started doing 90s dance music. Hey! Oh! But Prince Harry, he's having a rough time at the moment. No, no, Prince Harry, though, I don't know whether you saw.

He announced yesterday that... he is releasing a new book he's writing he's finally written his autobiography it's called spare and you're very lucky because I got an advanced copy and I've read it

I read it and I'll just share with you some of the thing because it's actually a really good book right like it's actually it sort of and you sort of feel sorry for him in the end like he's had a tough life why is it called spare

so the thing is because that's what he is he's a spare yeah the air and the spare right because if William the more popular one if he like has a tragic accident

Harry's off the bench right he's a backup not anymore not anymore he used to be called a pizza cutter because you know like in the back of your car

you've got tyres you blow out one tire the spear tire is called the pizza cutter because it's thinner so he's a pizza cutter I think I've explained that well It actually says on the cover

It says on the cover I don't have you seen it says spare Prince Harry Which I think when the revolution comes That's his pitch Spare Prince Harry I don't want to be part of the wrong back anymore Fuck those guys But the book actually starts

With this harrowing account Of the time He had to drink champagne Out of a plastic flute I know Just I mean just harrowing stuff And then, and actually he goes into it, the whole first sort of section is about all these horrible type, like once he got given the wrong type of wine glass, so he had to be drinking red wine out of a white wine glass. I mean, it was just horrible. But then it actually picks up. So, you know, you sort of got, it's a whole roller coaster thing, because then you get to the Megan part where he meets Megan. And there's all these beautiful cute. details. Like Megan and him actually share a Netflix account. Did you know this? Well, that's

committed. Yeah, and they argue all the time over how to spend the hundred million dollars the Netflix scale. And in their morning routines, very different actually, because they come from different backgrounds. Like Megan's all Hollywood. She gets up, runs 5K as a whole keto diet, sort of crazy stuff. Whereas Harry's more of a royal so he just has a morning gin just like his grandma and a corgi yeah and a corgi yeah and they're like I dress very differently like culture like she's American so she I read she wears like jeans and like sometimes a t-shirt or shirt whereas he is Prince Howe he wears an

arts uniform yeah yeah well that's sorry family uniform that's the sealed section actually here and I think every morning it gives the tradition alive of going hunting for peasants. It's harder to do that in Gallupon. But I guess also, the pitch for the book that I've read is it's, you know, that little boy we all saw behind, behind, you know, at the funeral, behind Diana walking by himself, and we all felt very sorry for him.

To be fair, though, at that funeral, nobody felt like travelling by car. Now, we're all walking off. What happened then after that? It's what's his story. And he ended up marrying Mary Megan, say that. No, it's good. It's good. And, you know, like, you sort of think,

oh, this guy's been born into privilege, you know, we shouldn't sort of, you know, feel sorry for it. You know, it would be sympathetic to him. But, you know, there's lots of, you know, like, disciplining the help. You know, the troubles that he has with the butlers, it's just ridiculous. Like, you know, the butlers will overcook the goose or something. And there's a whole chapter on that.

And I read a story where one time, he was disciplining to help physically. And then Megan rush in and say, hey, that's my relative, actually. I get it. Happens with me and we'll eat all the time. People confuse. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so have you got any opinions on the rural family? No, no, I'm entirely neutral. You can stop recording for a second. No, what are your opinions on the raw family? No, but look, I do admire what he's done. He used to be part of this terrible tradition, this really old tradition. He's moved away from it and gone to California

to make money. with the sweat of his honest labour dishing dirt about the tradition and his family that he's part of. It's just an honest day's work selling stories about the rest of his family. And the end is great actually because that's the part where he ditches the family.

And he also, at the same time, he ditches that rule that they have in Britain where he doesn't have to pay tax on any of his inheritance. And he pays all the tax and... Oh no, wait a minute, that didn't happen. No, sorry, yeah. But look, I think we should...

We've been a bit harsh, but we should feel, sorry for Harry. Yeah. He's part of a, and this is true, he's part of a minority group that has suffered. Yes. He's done it really tough. It's gingers. Ginges, I mean, ask Charles. Exactly.

We suffer. We're basically going to go extinct. You're basically vampires. You have to hide from the sun. It's horrible. Yes. I mean, let's be honest. He's been mistaken for albinos.

He's very emotionally distant from his father and also from King Charles. Oh! Sorry, how'd be said. No, I do feel a bit so. sorry for the guy. He had to break up with his grandma over the course of like a year when he married Megan, you know, she cut off the money and that would be a very masculine, like everybody found

out his entire source of income was his grandma paying him. I can't imagine him just hanging out with his mates going next round's on me boys and everyone's like, is it? Or is it your grandma? No, no, no, it's my money. He puts down the money and his grandma smiling on the money and always looked really hot. Like she never updated the profile picture. Like she's always

25 in that photo. How would he be like in a strip club? in the UK where he's just going there's a shower of the motor oh it's nan I just put 50 nans in your knickers oh sorry you were just saying

that she didn't update her profile she was catfishing the Commonwealth can you imagine yeah on Tinder that would have been very awkward he's told his sold the book he's um there's the Netflix shows coming out they're apparently trying to tone it down because after the Queen died

Oh is there a Netflix show as well I thought that they just took the money I don't know I do anything Well that's just the awkward thing Is they did this very critical show And the queen died I know who saw that coming right

And then And then it was like Oh shit we got a joke down We can't be critical of the queen Even though that's what we sold Netflix So it'll be a very special edition At the Crown when their show comes out Yeah I mean they are they did

What is it? They cut off money from the Royal Family They let go of their titles They announce to the world They're going to start earning an income That was like front page news for a year But imagine if any other day of the week Someone came up to you on the street

And was like, oh my God, did you hear the news There's a couple in their 30s That have decided to move out of their grandma And grandpa's house Get off the doll And apply for jobs You'd be like, mate, does it look like I give a shit About what happens in Salisbury?

I don't care about Which I've been told is the shit suburb here. Be the local. Nice local reference. Or Elizabeth. Or Gawler? How do we feel about Glenn Elk? Because fuck those guys.

Can I say, Ms. I'm very glad, just on being a bit of local, I'm so glad that we're here this weekend because there's talk of nuclear war, isn't there? I mean, the people are genuinely, Joe Biden saying it's quite possible that Vladimir Putin could bomb somewhere. Way to bring down the room. I'm not...

Let's have a conversation about that nuclear war thing. I don't want to be. Because we're in the best place we could be right. He's probably not going to bomb. Australia. If he does, he's not going to choose a winery. He's not going to choose South Australia first. Let's be honest. I would. Hey, hey, you take that back. This is an economic powerhouse. Hang on a second. He's not going to choose a vineyard an hour out of Adelaide for the first bomb. Wait a second. That's, you have underestimated the desire and the passion for South

Australia and bombs. Seriously, the English came here and the first bombs they dropped. We're in South Australia. Wisely. Yeah, they came here and they tested atomic weapons. We didn't even asked them and they came here and they tested them and then they said now we'll get around to Victoria and we'll get to Sydney and Melbourne and say oh fuck it, we'll just stop um

Damn straight. Cheap, Maralinga. Chin up Adelaide. You know what? You're worth bombing. You're definitely worth bombing. So I think it's pretty I mean, only for two weeks a year. Yeah, actually, to be honest. I've been to, amazing.

I've been to, um, I've been to Hackham West and, uh, that's a local reverend. is it? He'd blow that place, I'm not sure about, maybe you should edit out the bit where I said, hey, chin up, Adelaide,

you're worth bombing. I don't know if that's good for my brand. You know what you should do? She's just edit out everything else in the podcast and just isolate that part. This is all Nazim had to say.

The Chaser Report, news you know, you can't trust. Well, Jim Chalmers brought down this. Basically, it's an austerity budget, isn't it? Like, we've got to cut $160 billion or something over the next five years. What are some, what are people planning to do to actually tighten their bills? Personally, I'm going to cut down on the wagging steak.

Oh, yeah, fair enough. Wait, does this mean, what does that mean? I don't understand what you just said. So, wait, we're 160 billion dollars. Yeah, we've got to get rid of. Not each, Nas. Do we need to spend that left? It's mainly just, I think mainly the poor people have to pay for it, don't they?

The rich people still get the tax cards. One thing we can't possibly do is get rid of the $9,000 tax cuts for every parliamentarian. That's off the table? No, no, no. So ordinary people, like the really, really ordinary people in this room. Yeah. At this winery. What are we going to do in this wine region of South Australia?

This is a common foe. Yeah, the common folk, the hoi-poly. These people see back drinking their bottles of Grange and thinking, geez, what am I going to have to do to cut back? Yeah, you know, like, yeah, exactly. They're going to get the 80-year port rather than the 100-year-poort. You're going to have to buy wine from New South Wales, you poor fuckers. Yeah, everyone that just laughed at the Salisbury reference.

All right, so we want to know how we're going to cut back $160 billion. Okay, this is the solution. Okay. We grew up pretty poor. Yeah. I'll tell you a secret to surviving as a poor family. Tuesdays, Woolies, Safeway back in the day, yogurt is discounted.

So if everybody shops for yogurt on Tuesday, you save like 30 to 40% on your yogurt spend. And there would be at least three quarters of a trillion dollars worth of yogurt. That's a lot of it, man. A lot of yogurt. So 30% of that, we're almost there. If everybody does that, that's at least a few million dollars. Yeah, I reckon.

What do you got? So my thought was, you know how the queen died? I don't know, did anyone hear about that? Yeah. So there's a whole lot of $5 notes that still have her face on it, right? So this is my grift. I reckon what we should do is we should call them commemorative $5 notes, you know, to celebrate the queen's death or whatever.

And sell them for like 50 bucks. Yeah. We'd 10-fold our money. They're just like that. Australia's money supply goes up by tenfold. So sell them back to... Sell them back to the UK. Tell them to the Greens.

They'll love her. Oh, wow, the Queen. She's dead. $50 for a commemorative dead queen note. Or sell them to Prince Harry for super dollars. That's not a bad. That's a pretty good idea. Like, do you need to run that...

Like, before you just all start collecting them and... Yeah, yeah. A website or something. Does anyone have any $5 note to you? Because we'll collect them for you. I don't know how we can implement this on a large scale but if you park at Melbourne Airport I am even for a week terminal parking right at the front

and then you come back to collect your car and normally that's like a couple hundred bucks but instead you can say I lost my ticket it's only a $50 fee for a lost ticket and you get you 50 bucks that is amazing I mean the government can implement some like how does that you do the rest I'm giving you that.

That's very good. That's right, yeah. Pretty good. We just get everyone to do that. Yeah. Or, you know, when you go to park, park for as long as you like. And then when you're leaving, just drive through the fucking barricade. And that's another saving.

Yeah, because you're not even paying $50. You're not paying any. So if the whole country did that. Yeah. So I studied economics. Yeah, yeah. Oh, hang on. No, that was you.

You studied economics. Which one of us? One of us did, didn't me? I did it I studied economics Hang on a second I'm pretty sure you studied Yeah I studied economics

You did didn't you You did you did it I didn't why you kept telling Are you some sort of Jedi No I'm deadly serious Did you study economics Are you having an actual episode right now I'm not

I didn't I said it three times I don't One of us did And it wasn't me It was you It was you Oh yeah I studied

I've studied I've studied Eves I did year 11 twice I am not known For starting you Oh did you study home economics maybe.

It's the one with the muffins. Yeah, yeah. Yes, yes, you're sorry, apologies. That's my bad. That is my bad. My son, my 14-year-old is doing home economics at the moment. And they got given the task,

this is honestly true, they got given the task of toasting bread. It's fucking 14. And so he puts the bread in... Wait, wait, by Vey, was it just your son that got given that task?

And it's so, you're a shit, dad. The remedial. Everybody's doing this. You take this homework home. Oh, yeah, Dad, everyone had to. And, no, no, they all, the whole class got, you know, given this task. And guess what happened? His bread not only, like, burnt, it caught on fire, and they had to evacuate the classroom.

Wow. But how do you fuck that up? Sheesh. Parents, I'd say. It goes back to the. But, can I, here a second, so he's 14 years of age, and he's studying home economics, which is about how to run a household and bills and accountancy as much as anything else, right? So he's doing home economics as a 14-year-old boy at school,

and he's learning how to make toast as opposed to trying to figure out how many boxes of Kleenex tissues he's going to go through in a week. Because he's a 14-year-old boy, and I'll give you the answer, 11 boxes. Actually, 14-year-old boys do need some cleaning skills, that's true. So cleaning. Cleaning up after this. Okay, I think we've got it. I mean, having known Charles for a very long time.

Charles is currently traumatised. He's just thinking about his Kleenex bill. You've heard the entire audience. No, I was just thinking he does go through a lot of socks, though. And you've been missing some socks, too. Yeah, let's move on from... This is a high-brow podcast, I'm coming to a real, is it? So other ideas, I was thinking,

you know how the Navy costs a lot of money? You know, like, you know how the whole of Adelaide, we used to just give Adelaide all the money to build the submarines, even though you could have easily bought them off the shelf, you know, overseas, just so much less, you know. And I was thinking what we should do, is go a step further than, you know, the orcas deal where we're buying them in 20 years time

from the US. And we should just like do like Uber for the Navy. Like you just literally you just, you know, because you can get everything on Uber. Like it's sort of their whole ad at the moment is you can get anything on Uber. So you get the Minister for Defence to basically kind of be an Uber operator. Yeah, yeah. And you just scroll down and instead of getting comfort or Excel, you get like a submarine, boom. Uber X, Black, Navy. Black, Navy, exactly. Well, you know, like, there's a website

called Empty Jets because there's a lot of chartered flights, you know, private planes that fly one way, someone's booked them, but then they fly back empty, and so if you, you got to EmptyJets dot something, and you can pretty much get them cheap on the way back. You know, what's the Navy doing when we're not bombing places, like doing stuff?

Yeah. It's empty. Oh, so they could bring people back, so we use our existing fleet. Yeah. We become the Uber of the world. So say Russia wants to invade. Well, actually, that wouldn't work.

No, no. China wants to invade Taiwan. We rent out our subs. They order, yeah. There's something to do with like a boat sendbacks. You know what I mean? Like, we take people back. If there's a boat send back, Peter Dutton will be in it, that's for sure.

What if the Navy right goes to intercepts and boat people to stop them from coming into Australia, right? They do it. they send them away job done and they go well that's good now we're going to spend all that fuel getting back to Australia who wants a lift yep yeah yeah yeah it just creates a job this happens to be a whole lot of boat people who wanted to get to Australia anyway and they're like fuck you're not going to believe this but we were going there and you can charge a lot you can charge a lot people who are fleeing their lives will pay through the nose to get out of there I don't think they don't even need to do that like I reckon they just like I think everybody

be happy because it would be a good resolution. But then what would happen is they get to the border, they get turned back, there's another job for the Navy to take them all back again. Jobs for mates. I love this. This is excellent. I'm just worried that when China finally invades Taiwan, there's going to be a lot of search pricing

on the warships. It's very, very annoying.