The Chaser Report - LIVE at Grapes of Mirth Pt2 | Ivan Aristeguieta | Lizzy Hoo | Dane Simpson

Episode Date: November 1, 2022

Charles and Dom are joined by Ivan Aristeguieta, Lizzy Hoo, and Dane Simpson at the Grapes Of Mirth festival! As a panel they discuss the worst streaming platform for sport, and the best sports to watch on it. Plus everyone takes part in a bit of lèse-majesté. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. Dom here with another live episode recorded at the Grapes of Mirth Festival at Seppelt's Field in the Brousa Valley this past weekend. In this one, Charles and I are with the fabulous Lizzie Who, Dane Simpson and Ivan Aristigweta, all excellent sat-up comics. so you should check out if you can.

Without any further ado, here's us on stage in a room full of, frankly, a disconcerting number of barrels. I think that COO, you know the app Kio to watch sports? Who's putting up in shit? Who's used Kio? Hands up if you think it's shit.

Yeah. So, hands up if you think it's shit. It's shit, isn't it? It's fucking shit. It's terrible. It's got the worst. The worst user experience, I think. If you imagine it, it's as though you had the shithouse user experience of a foxtale box on an app that does sport.

And it brilliantly conceals the sport that you want to watch behind, like, Highland Games. Or Cornhole. Speed skating. Cornhole. Cornhole. Cornhole? You haven't come across Cornhole on K. Is there a sexual part of K.

Yeah, you watch a corner. So they show that on. They show it on Cahill. What is it? Sorry, what's Cornhole? Cornhole is like an American college sport, I guess, and they throw like a sack. Full of corn. Full of corn into like a angled board, and it's got a hole in it.

And you have to get the sack into the hole. Now, Lizzie. You've got it up the front. They've got it here. That's how shit, CIO is. Even this place has it. Cornhole's on the end. up.

That's a thing. Hang on, Lizzie. This sounds like you were served that up on chaos. And then you watched it. Of course I watched it. I was frustrated with the user experience. I was like, I want to watch something live, can't find it. Yes.

Oh, suddenly I'm on this American College cornhole sport. What's this? Yes. The best thing I've ever watched, three hours of my life. So I've got to contribute. Surely that sport was invented by some very drunk people just getting bags and going, fuck it, let's throw it into the hole. Yeah.

And before you know it, it's on TV. Yeah. That's great. So I've got a theory about the CO app, which is when you start using it, you tell it your preferences, right? You say, what are you interested in? And I say, cricket, right? And that's the only thing I'm interested in.

All I want to, like the moment the World Cup ends, I'm getting rid of you, you fucking shit piece of Murdoch shit, right? You just, you just fuck you, right? I love it. You're calling, you're calling Keo a loser and you're only interested in cricket. I have, yeah, fuck you. But I, I have a theory that actually,

if you tell it what your favourite sport is, it won't let you ever see it. It will always say, oh, okay, well then let's give him the hockey and the corner. Try selecting cornholing. Nothing wrong with the hockey. Yeah, I'm going to do that. It's quite funny that what Charles does a lot of the time when he's not here is he sells

stickers that say fuck Murdoch on them. And millions of these stickers. So we've got this sister site called The Shot, right? And during lockdown in Melbourne. Yeah, it's a site about whinging about Melbourne lockdowns. That's the main point of the site. Kind of niche. We sold 110,000 fuck murder.

and don't read the Herald Sun stickers. Yeah. That's pretty good. And we sell them for $2 each, which means I have made almost a quarter of a million dollars selling Fuck Murdoch stickers. And he's paid the same amount to K. No, you know how it feels to be murdered.

Yeah. You're selling shit. The other thing is it's $10 to make the stickers. But I like that you've built a Meteor Empire on Fuck Murdoch's Media Empire. No, but then our job. tech guy, Cam Smith, who's actually the editor of the chaser, is also a computer programmer. And he did the numbers on, so if you stream in like 4K or even 1080P, 24 hours a day, then those streaming services lose money, right?

So one of the things that we discussed during the pandemic was, because you can't go out and protest, you can't be like those people on the steps. Reclaim Australia, mate. You and your people, mate. You and your people, mate. And we're trying to work... My flag people. We're trying to work out a way to get, like,

make Murdoch lose money during that period. Because, like, the Herald son basically ran a campaign to sort of kill more Bourneans during the lockdown. Like, they wanted to open up to make sure that everyone died. So, but he worked out. He did the figures. If you actually have K.O. or Foxtell and you use it, If you just leave it running straight,

you don't even have to have the TV on, you just get your little Apple TV to be on and stream 24 hours a day, then the amount that Foxtel will pay for the bandwidth massively strips, is like five times more than the price that you pay for Keo. And so everyone should do that.

And then you can still watch the cricket, but then we'll make Murdoch go broke. Let's just, Yeah, let's destroy Murdoch by all giving him $25 a month. You're a genius child. Lizzie, what do you watch on Kio though? Is it just cornholing? Is that what you're paying for or what else are you looking for?

And the darts. Darts is good. I like to think that all you're talking about is someone having to smoke. I would watch that. It should be as good. Oh my God, have you, it's the most exhilarating sport out there. Are you kidding me? No.

Anyone else? It's not a sport. They're fucking 150 kilos. It can get tight. Do you watch darts? Don't fat. That guy there watches darts. Yes, he watches darts.

Murder him. No. You know what I'm thinking. I'm going down with you, see him. But don't use a bow and arrow. He'll be too accurate. Yeah, he used darts. I'm thinking of the people who bought all of the

fuck Murdoch stickers are just McGiver fans. Do you remember that? Murdoch was his arch nemesis back in the... Fuck, that's a very obscure reference, isn't it? Very old, very old. So you like all bar sports.

That's what you like. Well, people are drinking while playing. I like to watch people having a good time. There's nicknames. There's unique. There's funny hair. It's just a great spectacle. Don't you regret?

Yes. He is funny. He doesn't have any hair. It's funny. There is nicknames. And I love this too because it starts. And Pisshead has stepped to the plate.

Hey. That was then going to segue into the World Cup. So we've got the critical World Cup, yeah. But the really great news. Thank fuck it's on SBS and not Optus Sport. Can you imagine the personal details we'd have to give Optus to watch the World Cup

if they still had it on? I was one of the people whose driver's licenses got leaked. I got this email from them saying, you know, they're paying me $29 to change my driver's license. So thank you, Optus. So they know it was your driver's license. But of course, how can Optus possibly reliably know who's been, like, you can't tell me that Optus is suddenly good at managing information

and knows that I've got to act. I don't believe them for a second. Yeah, so do you think, because I've never been an Optus customer, but do you think if I wrote to them and said, I'm an Optus customer, give me $29. Yeah, they wouldn't know. They wouldn't know. Not a chance, that's great. But they have to rebrand.

There's a guy, this morning, this branding expert came out and said, they're going to have to change their name. Is it like optus, instead of optus, yes, it's optus maybe? Like, maybe, maybe. Optus with no fucking clue. I would actually, I reckon they should go open source. I reckon they should just lean in to the fact that they can't hold on to your data and just go like the open data alliance or something.

They call themselves something. I've got a question. Yeah, it's like wiki. So we're talking about changing licenses. And I just reminded me of a thing that I don't believe is true. I heard recently that they're going to change, is it true you're going to change all the currency because the queen is...

No, because what we're going to do is we're going to get all the ones with the queen on it and call them like commemorative queen's death notes, sell them to the British for like 50 quid each. Nice. And that's how we solve our deficit because we're just like 10 times our money. It's a genuinely good question though.

Like it might take, I don't know, 5, 10 years to change all the, all the... wins everything. But it'll never be King Charles. But that's the thing, is it worth, is it actually worth putting Charles on there and just going, you wait for a bit, oh, how long's he got before it's William, honestly? Yeah. I reckon two or three years.

He's in his 70s. I reckon we'll have another public holiday by the end of the year. I mean, he's getting upset at ink pens. I've seen his fingers? That was so good. Those fingers are in there. They're chubby.

Fuck. Yeah. So, because in Venice, When Chavez into power, he changed the name of the country. It used to be the Bolivar, sorry, it was called the Republic of Venezuela. And then he was like, no, we're going to call it the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela. So that, and he changed the coat of arms, he changed the flag. He changed every national symbol.

So everything, passports, IDs, what do you call it, official documents, notes, coins. everything had to be changed. And the word Bolivarian. And the amount of money that was spent on that was crazy. And I was like, I'm moving to Australia. In the first world, they don't do that shit. Yeah. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust.

While we are talking about the coin, you know, there was a certain public holiday that I was looking at changing the date of and everyone was like, that's too difficult. And then... Anzac Day? Everyone fucking invented, like the queen dies and a fucking public holiday just gets invented. It's like, no, it's fine.

We can do that next Thursday. You're allowed to just change the day. Let's get that done. And everyone just went along with it. And I'm like, fucking I was lied to. That guy is fucking hell. I have the supreme awkwardness in life. And I can tell you this because frankly, Opthis has probably already told you.

my birthday is on the 26th of January and that has so much more awkward during the course of myself that is why we never celebrate Dom's birthday because it would be ideologically unsound no one comes to my parties and now I know why we actually protest against Dom celebrating his birthday I was talking to Ivan about this earlier but in Wagga Wagga they asked me to be the

Australia Day ambassador. Oh. Yeah, that fucking reaction is right. You know, I'm like, and they rang me and they'll go, oh, Dane, do you want to be the Australia Day ambassador? And I fucking, I'm like, yep, 100%. Thank you so much. This is incredible.

What day? Nice, nice. Fantastic. Nice. Well, back to the World Cup. Oh, yeah. That's what we were talking about. The World Cup, yeah.

That was a good. Because, okay, let's not talk about this Qatar and slavery. Yeah. That's what the guitar government wants you to say. Let's say the World Cup was in another country. Who here? Raise your hands if you actually care about the World Cup. It's just a little.

Yeah? Who didn't? No, that the World Cup was. That's the thing. Can we just clarify. Do you even know which World Cup he's talking about? It's not the T-21. So I have an idea of why Australia doesn't care about soccer.

It's because the numbers of the scores are too low for Australia. Because I went to an AFL game in Melbourne, and I had to pick a team because otherwise I wouldn't get my citizenship. Who did you choose? Western Bulldogs. Oh, that's a good safe choice. Safe. Imagine if he's chosen in Collingwood.

It was the Bulldogs against another team, I don't know. And the game, we won, and I was excited. The game was like, the end of the game was like 60, 30. And my friends were like, I've had games fucking bullshit. Boring fucking game, fucking bullshit. So, but again, I'm like, no, man, it's good game. Like, we won, it's 60, 30. I imagine, fuck all happen.

Fuck all. Like, there's a lot of goals compared to, I'm used to 1-0. Like, like. That's a lot of goals. And then, of course, because the numbers are not, like, cricket scores are, like, 300 million. And then, like... Oh, no scoring match, mate. So it's about that.

So if you change the score in soccer, Australian can give a shit. Can I just say, Yvonne? Do you just note that Avarn's Australian accent in personation is... That's a hussy, isn't it? Yeah. He's nailed the hussy. I'm reckoning now the accent component of the interview. You know what I love?

I love when you say fuck all. Fuck all. It's my favourite. Fact all. Fuck all. Because here it's like, like, hey man, you're going, yeah, not too bad. Not too bad means good. Not too good means bad.

Fack all means nothing. Fuck all. All means everything. And then there's English, your second language, and then fuck all. Like, for some reason, you use the prefix, fuck. And then all means nothing. And then. And you thought it was an orgy.

You thought you were being invited to an orgy, and there was no fucking. Going off means switched on, going off. Oh, mate, you should have been there, mate. As soon as we turn the music on, the party went off. What? What happened to the party?

Which raises the question, why did you want to live in such a stupid country? Because people respect cues. That's all my... Like, I come from a place in the world with no one queues and you never know what the fuck is going on so at least in Australia

you can tell who's in front of you and then you just wait and that's it and then that's it people respect cues that's the reason why I'm in Australia because if you don't respect the cue yeah

have you told your girlfriend yeah we were in Spain like because now my family is in Spain we were in Spain and my girlfriend was like Don't you miss living, like, because my family went from Venezuela back to Spain. They went back to where they came from.

You are Australian. And he doesn't like cue jumpers, doesn't he? He doesn't like cue jumpers. And then I was like, yeah, of course it feels good to listen to the language, the food, and everybody seems familiar. But then you want to get an ice cream in the middle of summer, and you don't know what the fuck is going on you never know when's your turn

and then it's like that's why I want to go back to Australia because I know when I get my turn that's just that's just that's we're happy to have you thank you thank you well I must say you can take the cue thing a little bit too far as per British who would have queued up for 24 hours

to see a to see a dead body I mean if it was like Hocumin and that actually had a corpse stuff I would have queued to see it but But inside the box, what was there to see? Well, because we talked on an earlier episode of the podcast, which you would have all heard, we talked to an embalmer, like the embalming expert

who actually said that there is no way the Queen Elizabeth's body was embalmed that quickly to put it into the box for the cute. Because it would smell. The whole point is that body was, would have started smelling because it wouldn't have been in barn probably, which means that they were all queuing up to see an empty box. Or the better theory, which we worked out, is that actually, because they had to kill

all the body doubles for Queen Elizabeth when she died, as his protocol, that's where they stuffed all the dead bodies of the Queen Elizabeth. Body doubles. I mean, obviously she wasn't, her body wasn't. and inside that she's a shapes if shifting lizard. It hints in the name, Queen Liz, yeah? Didn't she had like four cocktails a day? Yeah, yeah, she would have.

So she was already involved. She was pickled, she was pickled. She was already involved. There was no rotten. She, see, this is the detail that nobody, you're right, but nobody seems to know that she woke up, her morning drink was a gin. It was amazing.

She had three drinks a day minimum. She had champagne, sort of dubonet at some point. And this is the thing, if they really did want to defeat the Republic forever in Australia, I think if it was just basically, if they'd talked up how pissed the raw family. Like, the Queen Mother was an amazing drinker. Oh, yeah. Like, that's the way to win Australia over. Don't worry about tradition.

If they came out, like, we know that Camilla and Charles are coming out. If they just go to the pub and get smashed with the locals, the Republic is dead. It's not, it's not, it's a child's drink, by the way. Yeah, he must do. He must do. He must explain to the hands. Oh, yeah, the fat hands. I heard that the queen had a nip a port from your bathtub every day

and she got involved. When she was debating. Yeah, but the first day that she did that was the day she died actually. The antifreeze kept her from smelling, actually. Can we go now? I'm just saying what the audience is thinking. So professional, can we go now? Don, can you do it?

I think it's always good just to capture the exact moment where the podcast just runs out of stuff. And seen, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

And Dane Simpson, ladies, gentlemen. Thank you very much.