The Chaser Report - LIVE: ATO Ignore This Episode

Episode Date: July 11, 2022

Floyd Alexander-Hunt is in the middle of filing her tax return and seeks advice from Charles, Dom, and Gabbi on what things she should try and claim. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, and welcome to The Chaser Report for Tuesday, the 12th of July. I'm Charles Firth and with us today is Dom Knight, Floyd Alexander Hunt and Gabby Ball! I don't know why I cheered myself. We've got the same people in the pub and they feel like they're on an endless Jet Star flight, don't you ladies? We love callbacks to other episodes.

Thanks Dom. Thursday, Charles, Thursday. Callback from Thursday. Jetstar sucks any day today. Wait, what day is it today? We're Monday, 11th of July, Gabby. It was Wednesday She's not the winner of the quiz today

Let's record all the episodes In one go at the pub we said It'll be seamless, we said Gabby's drunk, sorry She's been drunk since Wednesday, July 6th So Gabby Gailibald is here Floyd Alexander Hunt is here

Dom Knight is here And I'm Charles Firth Welcome to the Chase Report Now Floyd, you want to talk about the taxation system. Yes, I do. Thank you for listening to this episode of the Chaser Report. It's been wonderful.

No, Floyd. Okay, so guys, I just filed my tax return. Thank you. I'm right of applause for Floyd. Already. Yeah. For 2013, done. Finished.

No, but I have been preparing. Make some noise if you've done your tax return already. Whoa. Get out. For which year? For 2022, sir? Really? And you work in like a normal job?

Are you an accountant, sir? What do you work as? Oh, a teacher. Oh, see, I was going to see if the drinks were on him, but he's a teacher, so they're not. Can someone buy him a drink? Yeah, but he just has returned that badly. Poor man.

You've earned it. Okay. So yours must have taken, like, minutes to fill out. Yeah. That's not an insult. It's just automatically, yeah? Are you technically on strike at this point, sir? What's going on?

Okay, well, you've done, you can give me some advice But basically I did some research today into what you can And can't claim on tax Obviously I've like applied my interpretation of the rules So here we go This is what I gather that we can all claim Okay, firstly a guard dog You can claim you can claim a guard dog

Why? Because I read that somewhere. And so that means in Sydney, like inner city could be a chihuahua, Kavoodle, any of the above. Can I claim a flatmate with poor personal hygiene? I mean, if you think that person will deter other people from entering the house, then yes. Checks out, yeah, checks out. Any vehicle that you used to get to work?

So a yacht during the first. floods, Tesla, if you want, helicopter if you're into The Bachelor, that's what I understood that to mean. If I give Charles a piggyback to the chaser office. Well, that won't cost you anything. Maybe you could then claim for a chiropractor. If you catch a bus to work, can you claim the cost of that bus? And the driver, yep.

You own the driver and the bus, yep, perfect. Moving on. Home office expenses. So anything that you sit on while working. Oh. So you made that dirty. Don't look at me. What do you sit on?

Nothing. What are you just squat hold? You just squat hold while I'm a stand worker. Wait a minute. If you wanted to claim something outlandishly non-claimable, all you've got to do is sit on it. Sit on it and done. Done, keyboard, done.

Yeah, so like a really nice mattress or something like that. You just go, I'm going to sit on this. Yeah, that holds on. Some people do their most creative work on a mattress. I read that somewhere. Where? Where did you read that? Google.

Okay, couch, bed, spa, baths, palatine bar, any of these things. Well, is this if you're a plumber, or something. No, just if you sit on them while you're working and yeah, there we go. Okay, next thing, donations to charity. Yes. So I consider that gifts for family members.

Is paying 10 bucks to get into the Chaser podcast a charitable donation? Is this a tax not going to have better days? Coming tonight. I know the rules around this, which is that if you don't get anything in return for your money, then. we don't have to pay GST like it's a non-GST transaction right so everyone feels they're not really getting anything tonight we don't have to charge GST okay good it's an extra 10 percent I mean I mean it's in no way a good is it this podcast yeah so yeah charity yeah any

gyms that you join that's charity um and then what else to do I mean to be fair I've been to my gym in two years I'm still paying membership so it is a charity for me I just want to know circle back, yep, yeah. Like how much is your refund check going to be? Huge, I'm really banking on it being higher than my income, actually. I'm just wondering if this entire segment is an elaborate scam to be a financial advisor and thereby get a better tax rate.

Yes, yep. I'm basically just getting everyone's approval before I submit this later tonight. Okay, are the work-related expenses? So some examples that I read, Tim Tams, if you're from Australia. That's apparently when you can do coffees, but not mockers. Oh, yeah, well, that makes sense, yeah. You've got to be an adult. Cigarettes, fine, but no vapes.

So if you're Sam Dastiaria, can you claim yomcha? Yep, yeah. Yeah. Right, okay. So what's the thing behind cigarettes? The boy. Stress relief. Yeah, fair enough.

That's associated with work. Also, as a podcast host, can't you just claim anything in talk? Like, couldn't you smoke ciguies for a year? Yes. And then talk about it in one conversation and then claim it was work research. Hi, I smoke cigarettes for a year. This is my story. Seems legit.

Yeah, okay. Great. Well, I'm going to take up smoking. I think we should have any week at the podcast. I'm sort of just, this is the stuff we're claiming on tax. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holidays. Yes, I love it.

You just bring it out. I think all. Let's just do that. If you like mention, you know, Paris, there we go. It's research. It's reserved. You've got to go to Paris to research. Your Euro trip.

If we mention a Euro trip, then we can write. Although that said, as someone who's written quite a few books, you don't get to afford to then go to Paris if you write books. True, that's true. The income is a separate issue. Oh, here's a good one. Botox to lower your Medicare levy. Nice. That's definitely one.

Crushing. To lower your Medicare. You know how you have to pay, like, I love that you'll point into your forehead. So you stick the Botox into the levee and it can't move. Yeah, if you get charged like some levy or something if you don't take out health insurance. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you pay for Botox, then I think that covers that. Yeah, okay, yeah.

It's my interpretation. And then you don't have to get the private health into that. I mean, Charles, looking at you, I think you've already had some. Not a wrinkle to be seen. I look under 31. I don't need the Medicare levy. Yeah. Sure. Yeah.

Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most, when your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard?

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to claim the most amount of deductions? I know that one. It's influencer. I don't actually know what that involves, but getting free shit for no good reason seems to be what's involved. Are you an influencer? In a negative, I tend to things I do. I'm more of a cautionary tale, actually.

Dom told an anecdote about going to Byron Bay on the podcast last week. and Byron Bay you can get in really easily now to Byron Bay We're going to buy and buy and back I'm basically, I'm the anti-Hemsworth Both in terms of my influence And physically

Because I would have thought That the best way to get a low tax rate Is to become a billionaire Because aren't they They don't get taxed at all They're paying tax, yeah Like I remember No, the best job to not get taxed as a priest

Oh yes Of yes, of course Because you're too busy fucking kids Is that, no, that's not. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's her, yeah. Can you then claim your lawyer as a table? Yeah, probably can't, well, it's just part of the job. Yeah.

It's amazing how, like, the time between mentioning religion and that and kitty fucking kind, it's just basically seconds now, isn't it? It gets smaller and smaller each time. Yeah, it's nanoseconds now. Much like the children they go for. That's like the children, yeah. It's great. My son the other day,

Epoa nothing, was talking about a priest, like a local priest. And because his friend is like the son of this priest. It mustn't be a priest. Don't look at me like I know the story. Presumably not a Catholic priest or... And he goes... Because, you know, his dad's a real...

Fuck weird. He's like in the church. He's a pope or something. So, yeah, my son thought that... That was the punchline, huh? Yeah, that was the punchline. And my advice to your son is never learned. more about how the Catholic Church works.

Yeah, that's right. No, that's good. So, yeah, what are you guys going to deduct on your tax when you do it? See, my trick is never filed your tax return. Ah. Until you get really worried about it and then you get, have you ever got the letter where it's like you were now three years over two of the text return? I'm not joking.

I've received about five or six of those. Yeah, yeah. Because I made the mistake of running a small business for several years. That was stupid. What was your small business? What was your small business? I taught. I taught music.

It's true. Obviously wasn't very good at it. But, yeah, I taught, and then it turns out following your dreams and enriching the lives of small children, as this also knows, does not pay. It is not a good job. And, yeah, I owed that. No offense. Yeah, I've been there, buddy.

Yeah, so 30 cents per dollar I earned. I was definitely putting away and definitely paying off every single year, and I definitely do not have a tax debt of over a grand currently right now. Thanks, thanks, tax office. It's a good news story. ATO, if you're listening, yeah, I've got nothing to pay. My technique, and this is a great way to just really have a very low tax debt. I really recommend it, just have very, very, very little income.

You just do a podcast. Just if you work in comedy for, I don't know, 20 odd years and just do a podcast, yeah, it's very easy. So claim everything, earn nothing. You know, honestly what happened to me is, so I did. I had an accountant tried who would do my, it would just, bug me and do it right and then he just ghosted me he just ghosted me and i i emailed him a few months ago because last year's one hadn't been done and i said can you do my tax return like it's getting a bit late isn't it and i just got ghosted like how bad must my accounts be

even your accountant ghost you it's a great feeling when your accountant looks at your books and just can't see any source to even pay their invoices i just like no Had you tried to like pitch some jokes in there or something And he's like, oh no, no, it's too tedious It's not worth 150 bucks I think it was 130 bucks he was charging me You know my brother, my brother's a painter and this is true If you're a painter, like an artist

You can give your accountant artworks in kind And so the accountant you go see they're on the walls All these great artworks and so we could offer to make horrible jokes Yes In return for the accounting services And then they could, yes. But then they'd look at our income, and that's the horrible joke. Anyway, well, thank you very much for that licensed advice.

Yes, financial advice. You're welcome. You're welcome. Alexander Hunt. Hey. Our gears from road microphones and be a part of the ACAST CRADA Network. See you tomorrow. Thank you for your patience.

Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. Fizz is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most, when your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard.

When the barbecues lit, but there's nothing to grill, when the in-laws decide that actually they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer. So download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus, enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees exclusions and terms apply. Instacart. Groceries that over-deliver.