The Chaser Report - LIVE: Charles Prank Calls Sam Dastyari

Episode Date: July 5, 2022

Charles Firth, Dom Knight, Gabbi Bolt, and Floyd Alexander Hunt join each other live for a podcast at the pub! Charles quizzes the panel on Channel 10's TV ratings, and finds out that The Chaser has more viewers than a national network. Plus Gabbi gets a hold of Charles' phone and decides to call some of Charles' old friends! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report for Wednesday the 6th of July. Woo! We're here in the Harold Park Hotel Pub with me, Charles Firth, Dom Knight, Floyd Alexander Hunt and Gabby Bolt. Yay! And how are you this morning, Dom? I spent yesterday dealing with wet carpet. My parents' place flooded in the Sydney.

Oh, yes. The 600th Sydney storm. So I'm having a fantastic week. I'm just glad this place is dry. By the end of this podcast record, we will all be sopping wet, but we'll do it together. Yeah, and get... Gabby, your house is completely flooded, isn't it? Not completely.

It's more just sort of flooding in a bacterial sense. I had to, yeah, sorry, that sounds so gross. I had to do a house inspection and because it's been so wet lately, we actually found ourselves scrubbing mould off the walls. So that was, that was fun. It's fun to remove your bed from where it goes and find that you've been inhaling black mold for six months. Has your house started sort of developing its own sourdough?

Not quite. I would equate it more to like sort of season three stranger things, sort of, you know, Like, it's almost in the netherworld. Weren't you saying that, you know, the place between the paint on your wall and the dry wall. Yeah, I call it the fun wall now because it's... You can push it because there's... Yeah, it's like bubble wrap. Yeah, it's interactive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you get a bit stressed, I don't need anything to do now. It's like being in a room made out of sponge, isn't it? My parents didn't like that too. I basically live in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, but there's no chocolate and everything costs me thousands of dollars to fix. So it's... So there you go. Sydney property!

Yay! Okay, now... My house is fine. No need to ask, it's fine. Floyd, how's your house? No, it is at you, fine. Okay, good, yeah. That was a great anecdote.

I'm glad you intervened there, thanks. Okay, we're going to do... We're going to do... Today's episode is going to be a news quiz, and we're going to start with a particular news bulletin that's been in the news today. It's the channel... Has anyone sent it?

Channel... Hands up, or give us a yell. if you've seen Channel 10's Breakfast News Show. Hang on, Charles, can I just jump in? So I remember a show back in the day with Paul Henry that was terrible and got axed. Yes.

Are you saying... They brought a new show. It's called... I think it's called something like 10 first news breakfast first show or something like that, yeah. And it's at 8 a.m. in the morning. And I'm very surprised. Because there's about 70 people

this room. Guess how many people in Sydney watched, on average, watched the show last week. It's first week of broadcasts. I'm guessing it's Channel 10, 10, 10 people. 10 people? That's solid logic. Higher. Okay, 40. Higher? I actually know exactly. It's 44. 44 people. Wow. 44 people in the whole of Sydney watched this show. Do you know what Channel 10 said? Big on stats, guys. Channel 10 said that they were pleased with the ratings results. Well, it's better than many episodes of the project with Lisa Wilkinson.

That's been awesome. Too soon, too soon. Why? Why were they pleased with the ratings results? Because even though they're not going to be watched, unlike Studio 10, it didn't feature Joe Hilderbrand. That's a good answer, not the one I'm looking for. Does anyone else know the reason why they were so pleased? I know that I'm supposed to be funny on this, but apparently I'm just pathetic because I actually

do no reason. Isn't it something like they said it was a 12% increase? Yes, it was a 12% increase on the time slots average so far this year. I have not remember how tax law works. 12% increase, what is a 12% of 40?

Don't ask me, maths. Hang on a sec. Gabby Bolt knows an awful lot about this situation. Were you one of the 44 people, Gabby Bolt? She leaked this information to the rest. No, I wasn't. I just read this statistic and thought it was quite funny. and I did that instead of reading the news

so I don't know anything that's going on in the world right now but I do know about Channel 10's viewing ratings but yeah 12% of 44 is four correct? Yeah, four people, four extra people and I was not one of them it was just us we watched it just so there was a secret just so we could talk about it on the podcast

Imagine being excited about this many people extra watching your show I think that's nice there's actually a movie in that you know like Eddie the Eagle like there's that movie about a ski jumper who wasn't actually very good, but the joy was out of the fact that he just did it anyway.

Like, when is Channel 10 in the movie? Like, Eddie the... Is there a movie? A disturbing documentary. Like, guys, we did it for people. That's the end of the movie, Oscars. I mean, I would have thought that any program not featuring Koshi would be off to a running star personally.

Well, no, well, actually the thing is that Koshy's show on Channel 7 is actually the highest rating show in that time slot. So do you think maybe the problem is that Channel Chen should just feature more racists to sort of boost their ratings? Maybe that's the problem. I mean, what can Channel 10 do to boost the ratings, you know, to... Topless news bulletin.

It's not great for feminism, but it's great for ratings. It's awesome for ratings. I suppose being Channel 10, what they'll have is they'll have a breakfast, sorry, pilot week where there'll be five different terrible ideas, all of which will get acts at the end of the week. Yeah, I like that idea. Charles had a pilot in the last pilot of week. And back then, I don't want to add in too much,

but Charles thought it was a good idea to pitch a TV show. Shut up. Hosted by, does anyone know? Sam Dastiari, ladies and gentlemen. He only accepted Rembimbi as payment. It was really weird. Is that true?

Yes. And we're presumably not the Chinese currency bit, but Sam Dastiaria, yes. No, no, it was called... Did there's no one to remember it? Charles. It rated a lot more than the fucking Channel 10 newsboy. How much money do I have to pay you to go through your phone book right now?

None at all. We're starved for content. Are you saying we should connect your phone to our kind of console? I just want to see if he's got his number. Not for my reasoning. I just want to see who. Who horrible people are in this panel? Yeah, no, I can tell you, Sam,

like, Sam, he's in my phone book, but he won't take my calls because he doesn't talk to the media. The contractual, he's now an investment banker. He's not allowed to talk to the media anymore. I mean, to be fair, what he told me. He probably should have that policy many years ago. No media and no Chinese spies.

You know the other thing Channel 10 could do to, like, boost their breakfast ratings? They could film it the, like, days before and say, This is going to, we're filming this for two days from now. So, sort of like what we're doing right now with the podcast. I think that would be funny in hindsight. Well, we rate much high.

We actually, the Chaser Report podcast rates higher than Channel 10's national ratings. So maybe the simple thing to do is to just replace the Channel 10 News bulletin with this podcast. And to get the ball rolling, I found his number. Should I text him? Sure. Just tell him to come down to the Harrell Park. Should I say, you've been texting.

Hold on. He just leaves around. Oh, come on. No. I don't. I would love to, Sam. No. Charles,

call him on the thing and get him down here by the end of the podcast. There's a microphone and recording devices. This is not scripted, by the way. I just think it's quite funny. Yeah, give him a ring

and just say, Nehau. Oh. No way. Oh, don't. You're calling him. You're actually calling him. Okay, oh my God, I'm begging you.

Be quiet, be quiet, be quiet, be quiet. Be as quiet as though you were the viewers of 10 breakfast. Not available, yeah. Not available. Oh, what a pity. It's the first time anyone's ever been sad not to see Sam Dastiaria. The Chaser Report. News you know you can't trust.

There were a few other interesting names on that list, by the way. I think that could be a recurring bit. I just think if Channel 10 announced, we love a cooking show, right? We love cooking shows. If they just announced that by the end of each episode of 10 Breakfast, one of the presenters would be cooked and eaten. We would all watch it for sure. Yes, you're right.

What a way to go out, right? You wouldn't live, but you'd have viewers. And that's what it's all about. Snuff news. Is that what you're suggesting? Ted's snuff breakfast. I mean, if they invited Koshy to be a special guest, I would watch for sure. That's, it's snuff.

That's, there's a joke there. It's not here tonight, but it'll come. One of the chaseries, John, it's just here. Oh, how well-timed. He was suggesting, the other idea he had was that they should just go out, so, you know, because their offices in the Ultimo, the foot traffic would be more than 44 people in that half hour, just go out and do a sort of interpretive street dance or art, you know, version of the show.

I mean, based on my experience on the weekend, if they didn't obey an outside broadcast from Sydney airport's checking area that have 10,000 view it. They should just live stream on their Instagram. I reckon I get about 44 people tuning in. Actually, that is an excellent idea. Can someone, maybe on Chase a Woy's cam here,

we can do a live stream on Instagram and get more ratings than Channel 10 breakfast through the course of the show. Can we do that through the Chase at Instagram? I mean we may not want to share this conversation before we edit it It's a terrible idea You remember what Craig said about

Can we not bring this back I've been on this show once before And it was the worst At the first, basically the first podcast recording that we had The Golden Boy of the ABC And host of the 90th celebration Craig Roocastle made some comments

Which had they been published In the public domain Would have had him sacked from that job Before it happened Yes Yes So the point is come to the podcast and take notes because you can bet we edited it out of the online version

okay now we're going to move on from talking about Channel 10 that's what Channel 10 about a week they're going to move on from that show about a week because this is actually a quiz and I haven't asked you any questions yet okay next next copy wait no am I winning yes you're winning

yeah awesome it comes to knowledge about Channel 10 breakfast you're actually the only person so in some ways you're losing really that's my jeopardy area yeah put me on mastermind okay so the next thing is about jet star which will be close to your heart now did anyone hear this great story about what happened to

jet star the passengers on a Hamilton island flight a couple of days ago um so what happened was they were in Hamilton island and they all had a jet star flight and then jet star decided that they didn't want to fly out of Hamilton island after all and so they said to all the passengers This is like 130 passengers. It's all right. We've lined up a flight over in Queensland. All you have to do is get on this ferry and go to Early Beach, right? So they all got on this, this is honestly true.

This is happened like two days ago. They all got on a ferry to Early Beach, right? They arrived at Ealy Beach. First question. Who? Fucking out. First question of the quiz. Met them.

Who met them at the ferry tour? terminal. Was it A the border force, Australian Border Force, they're tipped off about boat people arriving. B a whole lot of property developers trying to sell them timeshare apartments

or C Jet Star Staff or D I'm going to go with the crowd on this Oh wait what's D? Or D D Sam Dastyari I assume it was by Jet Star Staff you just mean

Magnus Sabansky going, I'm so don't. Sorry, I did the ad for this shit house airline. What was B again? B was property developers selling timeshare apartments. I assume it was just Peter Dutton going, this is going to make me, Prime Minister. Fuck off. Well, the answer is none, nobody. Nobody at all.

It's in the middle of the night. Wait, at night, wait. So they started to sort of go, okay, well, we're just going to have to sleep at this empty ferry terminal for the night. All right. Just more comfortable than the jet started. Definitely more comfortable than jet-star seats. And so eventually the mayor turns up, right, and presumably he is a property of a realtor selling timeshare apartment,

so I would have accepted B. And he opens, gets the keys to the PCYC gym, the local, and says, okay, this is an emergency, here's your shelter for the night. Has anyone heard of the musical Come From Away? It's an incredible idea. It's exactly like that. It's not 9-11, it's just Jetstar being shit. It's just a disaster.

Jetstar just not being bothered to fly planes anymore. Okay, and eventually, like, some people obviously hooked up with the friendly people of Airlie Beach. Because in the end, 70 people got accommodated by just... Because all the hotels were booked out because of school holidays. And 70 people wandered off and, you know, literally stayed on people's floors in houses, kind people. So there were, I think, about 30 people left in the gym

who slept on those gym mats overnight. And the final question for this part of the thing is, Jetstar promised to refund everyone for their food and drink expenses. In the gym. This is an open question. How much were the each voucher worth? It's Jetstar, $5. It was $8, correct.

$8? Oh my God Wow Although that's it Look I want to speak up for Jet Star Because on Saturday On Saturday It's quite a serious thing

My family Entire family had to fly to Byron For a memorial service We had to get there My brother flew Virgin The flight got cancelled at 5am And they said We've booked you it tomorrow afternoon

After the service My parents got to the airport for Qantas Went to the Qantas club They were like la-di-da Flight was cancelled Suck shit I was on Jet Star and we actually made it only three hours late.

I was the one who didn't have to get up at 4 a. in the following morning to eventually make it. And what that tells me is that Jetstar's safety standards are so lax that I made it on time. Well done, Jetstar. I love you. Admittedly, he caught the ferry to Byron Bayron. That's a nice way to get to Byron. So that's the end of the quiz.

Please give a big round of applause to our winner tonight, Gabby. What do I win? And Gabby, your prize is that you're the new co-host of 10 Breakfast. Oh, no. And you've got an $8 jet star out of chance. It's time for topless news again. No, I'm kidding. It's a podcast, they won't know.

And that is the end of the Chaser report. Big round of applause. Forever. While we say, our gear is from road microphones, and we're part of the A-Cast Crowda Network. See you tomorrow.