The Chaser Report - LIVE: Kahlúa and Milkrun

Episode Date: June 28, 2022

Back at the pub, Dom Knight, Charles Firth, Chris Taylor, and Floyd Alexander-Hunt are live! Charles presents a riveting quiz on the usefulness of delivery-service apps, and responds to latest census data. Plus, the team finds out which age is the most sad to be! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Now can I get you to go absolutely berserk as we afford in Charles Firth, Dom Knight, Floyd Alexander Hunt, and fresh from a 40% win rate on Would I Lie to You, Chris Taylor. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the chase of report. Podcasting motherfuckers! Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Wednesday the 29th of June. How is everyone today? They're even better than when you ask them in rehearsal. So what are we, what is the, oh, I'm the fucking first, um, segment, uh, I love it.

10 seconds into the podcast, the veneer of professionalism just drops off. If we were doing this in the studio, we'd go back and do a take two. We're not doing a take two. So many instructions for you guys as if you're going to be the problem when he fucked up. I can't believe. I was there going,

I wonder whose turn it is to talk now. If anyone's got advice for Charles, do you want to give a warm up for Charles? Loughlin, do you want to stand up and just do a separate one on one session with Charles Perth. Okay, you can all fuck off. Right. So,

okay, so we're going to do a news quiz on this Wednesday morning. Nice thing to kick off the week. Very Tony Delroy. My references will all. all be that old tonight. The first... Well, actually, Dom used to run the news quiz, didn't he?

Didn't you, Tony Delroy, briefly? I used to work with Tony Delroy on ABC Radio. Superannuation will dominate our first hour. That's a literal quote I got said. In the studio with me on the evening show every week for four years. What's the opposite of a Ford promote, sort of Ford demote. A Ford back slightly away from the podcast.

So, well, I thought the first topic that we're going to talk about in the news quiz is fast delivery apps. Has anyone used, you know, like milk run and volley and send? Has anyone used those? Oh, yes, you have. Yes, right. You can tell by the lack of enthusiasm. They've all used them. They kind of been in the news, haven't they?

Because I live just too far away for any of them to reach. I think you kind of need to live either in the CBD or in social. Hills to gain access to any of them. I know, yeah, yeah. Well, here, Clebe, Clebe has them. Glebe got them. I bought rats during the pandemic on those things. I was the one person.

You know, you know Clebe already had rats. In the whole sewer down there. Milkrun is really good. I use milk run all the time. That's how I get my dinner, groceries, everything. And milk run's meant to be the only one that's surviving. The others are falling over because their capital, their venture capital is all running out.

So send collapsed. last week. Return to Sender. Volley this week, a couple of days ago, decided to sack half its staff. All their staff went to Milk Run within 10 minutes. It was very efficient. When I used Milk Run, I was amazed.

I agree with you. It was the most amazing. So I was having to self-isolate or something. It was a few months ago. And the promise is that it would be there in Kim. We just got the shits with it. It fucked up the warm up. Charles, you do 14 days.

I was too boring, you know. Anyway, and then they said, oh, it'll be here in 10 minutes, and I just ordered a whole of stuff. And it was there in 10 minutes, and it doesn't really cost that much more either. And you sort of go, how does this make money? Do you know the answer? I actually covered this today on radio. Every single time they'd live it, it costs them $10.

It is the shittest business since we work. Every time they lose money. They bleed money. They bleed money. It's sort of the Netflix lot. They've raised 75 million from venture capital. Every time someone comes to your house, it costs them $10. Which makes me, why the fuck hasn't the chaser started an instant delivery business?

It would almost be cheaper for them if they hired a prostitute to deliver all the groceries. Yes. Then pay these people actual money. Yes. But it's like, as I say, it's sort of like the Netflix model. Wait, what? I think, I think, I want to do. Let's circle back.

Let's circle back. Let's circle back. I think Chris heard quick and his first thing was off. That's just like a prostitute, yeah. I assume they charge by the second. Finish the delivery within 10 minutes every single time. It's very impressive. So the prostitute arrives at eight minutes.

No, but did you find, because mine came at like one minute too. At eight minutes, I was like, there's no way they're going to make it. I was pissed off and they arrived at night and I was like, I said you weren't going to make it. I wonder if they've all got, like, apparently they say that they all hang out in a warehouse in your suburb. Are we talking about prostitutes? No, no, we're back on. Okay, got it, yeah.

I reckon they've just got sleeper cells. Every one of us here in this room have one of these milk run fuckwits living underneath our house, just waiting for the call. It's the only way they can do the 10 minute thing, sure. Well, they're basically there are like convenience stores throughout the whole. They've just got like giant milk run. Yeah, they're all over the place. It's genuinely...

I think that's dorkas, basically. Okay, so first question is, you know... Okay, given that a... This is a quiz, by the way. So, question number one. Yeah, so it costs $10 per order to deliver the, you know, Milk Run sort of thing.

Is this, according to the founder of Milk Run, a brilliant business model and quote the future of e-commerce in Australia, is it be a terrible business model or C, a vast improvement on what it used to do and how much it used to cost. Or is it D, a cheap way to meet prostitutes?

Yeah, okay, yes, that's the answer. It's basically we work on bikes, isn't it? Yeah, no, no, so the founder, so the answer is A. Yeah, it sounded like a specific question. It is the future of e-commerce in Australia and not just the world, and he claims that by 2024, It will make, this is honestly true, it will make more per customer than Amazon in the US.

Imagine buying, you know, like, into that dream. In all seriousness, do you know how they're going to do it? How? How? How? Absolutely true. They've thought about what they can do. And selling groceries, no one wants that.

It's cost of living is expensive. They're going to sell fucking booze. That's the way it's going to actually make money. Oh, okay. It's not milk run. It's milk run. There's Kalua in the milk place, gentlemen. Is it just Kalua? Is that the only...

It's basically Jimmy brings and cut out Jimmy, seems to be the model. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser report. What they actually were blaming was for the cost blowout was actually staffing costs, right? And what he explained today in the Herald was that everybody got sick all at once

and all had to self-isolate right and so they had to get a whole of casuals in because they couldn't get enough staff because everyone was locked down which is when demand for their product surges. So demand surges for their product when their staff costs blow out right

so given that problem how much before it's cost $10 per order and they're losing a whole lot of money how much did it cost before they ran into these problems were they losing three $3 per order, were they losing $5 per order, or was it making money? Definitely not making money.

Yeah. The most money. They were losing the most possible money. I thought it was $15 in order. They were losing $40 per order before the lockdown. So there you go. Wow. Okay.

How do I not have shares in this thing? You do. It's called the chasers. Exactly the same business model. I actually do have shares in the chase, so it hasn't worked out well. Yeah, Milk Run should start a live podcast. That's the last one to really... Well, with alcohol and then it would go really well.

Actually, to be fair, we started a newspaper, which gave you topical jokes a week after the event happened in the post. Very similar to Milk Run, really. Okay, next question is about the census. The census figures started coming out today. Delivered by Milk Run. And it was amazingly quick. Amazingly, Greek.

When did we answer that census? It was like a year ago. A year ago, was it? A year ago, was it? Right. Dementia is now... What we saw from Charles at the beginning of the episode when he couldn't remember. He was his first up. Dementia is now the 11th most common condition, health condition in Australia.

What is the 11th most common condition in Australia? Dementia is a really serious problem that affects Charles every time we do a podcast. It is tragic, give generously. Talking of our podcast, what is the top condition, mental, top health condition in Australia that hurts your health? Yes. Depression. Yes, depression and anxiety.

I thought you were going to say wanting to start a podcast was the most unhealthy thing in Australia. That's a symptom. That's a symptom. Charles has always had a great radar for comedy topics. It's like dementia, depression, anxiety. Then he'll throw to the panel and say, make comedy gold of this. I almost want to get back to the milk run.

I mean, I don't. We all know that ran its course 40 minutes ago, but I'd almost rather discuss milk run for another hour than try to find laughs in dementia. It's a good point. That topic should really have lasted for 10 minutes, shouldn't be? No longer. Let's break it down, though.

There's early onset dementia, there's Alzheimer's. They're already broken down, Charles. So which age group suffers the most depression and anxiety? How old are you? 46. No, well, A, is it older people who own multiple homes and get tons of franking credits all the time? is it be middle-aged people who were able to buy their houses

15 or 20 years ago when they were still affordable? Or, C, was it younger people who can't afford to buy a fucking stick of broccoli anymore, let alone a fucking apartment with a functioning roof? You have some thoughts, sir? Yeah, that person owns a few houses, I could tell.

I think it's the founder of Milk Cruncher. Correct. Who's been asked to deliver broccoli that doesn't exist to people in 10 minutes. How do you do that? It's clearly, poor old millennials, isn't it? It'll be the young people. Yeah, yeah. It's 25 to 29-year-olds.

They broke it down very specifically. Wow. Wait, so why are 20-year-olds font? They don't have wrinkles or something? Well, it's like, it's sort of like a belt. Like, it's literally the, basically you hit about teenagehood, and then the graph starts going up every. one gets depressed, you peak

in depression at about the age of 29 and then it just goes down. That's why I'm here tonight. Okay, it's all making sense. But presumably, that's where the dementia kicks in. No, it doesn't get kicked in at 29. How many weeks... How many weeks can young people look forward to

where the depression stops and the dementia kicks in? Like, does everyone get a good fortnight? Yeah. But surely, does the depression? go away when you get the dementia? Because you keep forgetting your depression. I think so, yeah. It recurs every day.

This is what happens to me. I wake up and I go, shit, what have I fucking done with my life? I wake up and I'm in a satirical comedy group that used to be big 10 years ago every single day. It's hideous. Too much laughter at that one. I'll take it where I can find it. I wonder, though, this is almost a semi-earnous point.

It's actually a fully earnest point. I wonder, though, if all age groups probably experience levels of mental health, but millennials of more, more, comfortable with, on a public form, such as the census, more comfortable with owning it, whereas my parents would be awfully screwed up. But they, I don't think they'd have, it would almost be a point of pride, if you know what I mean, to register themselves as mentally unwell, whereas today it's almost seems okay. Everyone's a lot more... More in touch.

To you're saying that millennials are winges. No, I'm saying... The data is probably wrong because it might be just what it might be measuring is a greater comfort with acknowledging mental health

amongst young people than all people. They're just more honest about the absolute lack of hope in humanity. Right. Welcome to the podcast. Hope you having fun. Maybe... You're in the demo?

Yeah, I'm a millennial, but maybe it's because older people have dementia so they forget to fill out the sensor. It might be that, yes. Could also be that. What are we going to say? I'm a millennial. Yeah, so are you terribly depressed and anxious about everything?

You invited me to do this podcast, so I'm just going to open up. I am depressed about being 29, yeah. Oh, right, so you're literally in the danger zone. It's the worst, yeah. You're the worst year of your life. This is the worst. Oh, well, it all gets better from here. Does it?

As soon as we stop the podcast, it's going to live. Can I just anyone who's 30 and above in the room, can we just all reassure for like, 30 is like the greatest year of your life. 29 is awful. Oh, yeah, yeah. 20s generally suck. I mean, you have youth, but that's all you've got. Yes.

You don't have jobs. You don't have fucking broccoli. Yeah. When you hit 30 and 40 and you're given a modicum of the minimum wage, things really turn around. Yes. Yes. No?

No. You peaked at 18. Well, 18 would work I was I turned 30 during the pandemic

Speaking of millennials who are too Open about me All right Okay And we'll just do One final question

Which is Of course There's been a lot Of course there's been a lot of Supply That sort of thing One surprising Result from the census

was that Australians Eat 4 kilograms of avocados a year Right I do not remember this question in the sense of this. Why?

Was there an avocado question? What does the chief executive of Avocados Australia, John Tyous, recommend Australians do? Does he recommend increasing the number of avocados they eat, Australians eat each year, decrease the number of avocados

Australians eat each year, or wait, there's an organisation called Avocados Australia. They're the one to adapt. dedicated to stopping millennials from buying houses. It's a terror group. The big avocado industry has been having a grip on Australia

for far too long and ironically, big avocado haven't actually built a big avocado. We back check that. Lachlan, is there a big avocado? Can we get it on the screen? I really want it up on the screen while he did. It'd be in red fern, if anywhere,

like the home of avocado on toes. Also, they'd build the big avocado, wouldn't they? And people would just smash it. Yes, yeah. Millennials. So, well, the answer is... I think he'd probably want to increase avocado consumption. Correct, Chris.

And he wants every Australian to eat six kilograms of avocados a year. Because there's a huge oversupply problem at the moment. And they're not allowed to export it anywhere. So we're going to be stuck with a glut of avocados. If anyone can use milk run to get an avocado delivered here by the end of the podcast, I will scull a beer. I will scull an avocado. The challenge is...

is yours, ladies and gentlemen. Well, that's the end of the quiz. Please applaud. Yay! Our gear is from Road Microphone and we are part of the ACAST crowd and network. Catch you tomorrow.