The Chaser Report - LIVE: Million Dollar Ideas

Episode Date: July 4, 2022

Chris Taylor dusts off his classic list of Million Dollar Ideas to pitch to the team some products or concepts he think would be instant successes. Come and join us at the pub live by buying a ticket at https://chaser.com.au/events/the-chaser-report-live/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Tuesday, the 5th of July. Yoohoo! Happy new financial year! July already? Oh, how time flies in this pub that we've been stuck in for ages. Chris Taylor, Floyd Alexander Hunt, Charles Firth and Dom Knight, still in the Herald Inglead, which we're doing again on Tuesday night.

In fact, tonight. We're going to be here again tonight. Yeah, back again tonight. We're still available, chaser.com today. We should aim to finish this podcast in time for the next team. For the next one to come in, yeah, yeah. So we haven't left since. Okay, we've been here.

It's very continuous, yeah. It's not as though we did one show and pre-recorded the whole week. No. Not at all. We're always here. No. Take it away Chris Taylor with his beloved segments. Taylor's, what is it, Taylor's flawless solution?

No. No. A million-dollar idea. Please make you very welcome. Chris Taylor's million dollar idea. Yes, million dollar idea. Look, this is always, I guess, this is a segment I did when we had a show on Triple M in the afternoon.

Which was not a million dollar idea. No, it was a million dollar loss. It's basically Shark Tank or Dragons Den where I sort of put my entrepreneurial hat on and try to pitch ideas to you guys, to the panel, and everyone decides what's worth investing in, what's not, we all spitball the idea together and take it to Silicon Valley

and make a million dollars. I've been doing this, like, when we did do it on radio, you had some amazingly good idea. Well, actually did. There was a lot of cynicism. Yeah. And a lot of people always thought, well, that's a ridiculous idea.

I think at least two of them, since we did the segment, I've now seen in practice, all making a fortune. I mean, to be fair, one of them was milk run. All right. So they're kind of stupid. They're silly. They're just everyday solutions. You go with it, but everyone can chip in and tell me how we can develop it to make it an even better idea.

Okay, so first up, I'm, a lot of these ideas I have in the shower, and they're always, you'll notice about being in the shower. So this first one is, I always hate that period where you've finished your shower and you've got to make that journey. across to the town especially in the middle of winter and you're absolutely freezing so is what you do you hang the towel over the curtain rack? I reckon that's about a $10

idea. Yeah. No, my million dollar idea. Oh, okay. Sorry. That was shit, Charles. Sorry. Oh, well actually you kind of talk some sense because that's what I do. Because a normal solution we're just to bring your towel closer

to where... Before you have the shower. Yeah. Some of us had palatial bathrooms, Charles. Oh, yes. My towel is like a good... Aika. It's almost an Uber ride away from the shower. Like, I have to dial up ditey to get from the shower to my towel rail.

And in the middle of winter, it's freezing. Solution? I told you these are stupid. You know those, like, Dyson Airblade things? Oh, yeah. I want to install an industrial-sized, ice and air blade on the roof of the shower. Wow.

So the minute you've turned the hot water off, you put the hot blast on. So it's like our hands but for our body. It's like a body dryer. Body dryer. But would you want to see your skin go like? Not you personally. I didn't mean. My eyes would be closed too.

No shaming. I just mean I wouldn't want to see my jigger-digg-d-gibble. Yeah. It's a bit swobler is what you say. A Dyson bit swobbler. Couldn't you just... Like your hands don't look normal You would close your eyes though

You'd have a bit of wind in your face You'd literally just stand Like you could almost Almost invent Oh this is even a better idea Two million dollar idiot What fuck I'm spitball in here

Inflation Your shower head could convert To a blower Yeah So one minute it's blowing Can I just say Don't you reckon That when you're wet

No matter how hot you get the air It's going to be cold Oh Chris has always wanted to be cold I'm blown in the shower, ladies gentlemen, that's what it's all about. No, I think it's just genius. I'm cursed by being

an extremely hairy person except on the top of my head. And so what happens, whenever I have a shower, too much information, but fuck it, is my, the hair everywhere traps the water,

and I immediately make the towel incredibly wet. So rather than the towel drying me, the towel just basically turns into a sponge. Well, this is what I'm trying to get around. Yeah. I'm not saying,

throw away your towel. But the towel will still play a mop-up role. Okay. But your first blast of dryness is all coming from this large fan or whatever you want to call it. Almost like a Boeing or Airbus. Yeah. I'm sure on a way it will be cheap.

Not a Max 8. Not a Max 8. No, how that ends. Can I just build on this, though? Because I'm imagining your industrial car wash. I want the rotating brushes to come down with a ceiling. You want everything. Yeah, I want the whole.

A real rub down. I want the wax. I want the wax spray. I want the tire polishing. I don't even know what the fuckies, but that'd be great. You want some illegal immigrants to come out and polish you. Oh, you had to make it dirty. But after the shower, you're very clean.

The Japanese toilet, I don't know if you've ever. They are. I only go to Japan to use the toilet. They're amazing. But they've got so many different features. They've even got like perfume spray. You can have that as well. So you have like, you know.

So you can do your whole ablutions. You could sort of have a cologne. Yes. Yeah, wow. Look, I don't want to get too personal, but there's... On it, who has used to Japanese a toto-washlet toilet? Because I've got a few people in... Yeah.

So, there's like a bidet. Is it... No, it's much better than a bidet. So much better. It has an alarm. It comes out, it squirts the water jet, it dries you. But there's a lady button. There is a lady button on the console.

I've never pressed it. And I want to know what happened, Floyd. Yeah, it blows on the hole. So it does what you think it does, does it? But wouldn't it just blow hair around with you? In my case. You'll get this puff of hair everywhere. I think I would be the ultimate transitioning challenge, to be honest.

Yeah. This is a very good idea. Oh, thank you. Yeah, back to your idea. All right. It seems like there's sort of lukewarm support for that one. I've got like, not only are they a million-dollar ideas, I've got a million of these to go through tonight.

Are they all in the shower? No, no, okay. We'll move to the living room. Okay. So, I, big fan of ad blocker. You know, like when you're watching you. YouTube and stuff. However, when you're watching TV, as I was the other night, watching the state of origin,

oh, sorry, not the other night, what date is it to now? Yeah, it was like, a week ago. And like all the bloody menu log ads and all the ads and you just go, why isn't there ad blocker for free-to-air TV? So I want to introduce ad-blocker technology, so you install something on your TV, and it's not like just dead air, you put good stuff on. for the duration of the ad break. So, like, viral videos of...

TikTok. Of animals charging cars. Chaser stunts. Your old chase of memories. Honeymoon pictures from, like, you can do all of that. Like, genuine, some of your favorite short films or music videos. A book. You could have a book.

You could have, you know, like a... No, no. I said... Have you? Do you know what a TV is? I'd almost rather the menu log than any fucking book you've written. Are you, it's your TV just a big Kindle You're just like, oh

You can have the Chase of newspaper available from chasesshop.com comes to. Imagine just cutting up Seinfeld into your favourite little two minute bits and just have something glorious to fill the gap Don't tell me this isn't a good idea Why is everyone looking at me like I'm mad?

Yes, thank you. Imagine how it would almost be better than the show you're watching. You might be watching the state of O'Don is a bit boring but oh, I'm looking forward to the ads because I'm going to get news reader bloopers. But Chris, Chris, you've got your phone. What everyone else does is when the Eds come on,

they look down at their phone. No, they don't. And look up, you know, Seinfeld's greatest hit and whoever. And I'm just worried I'll get the last episode of Seinfeld and I hate my life. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. You need a child, Chris, because what you need is you need a child who will change a channel. you can... But then you just get more ads.

Because they always sync up the ad, right. Because what you want to do, what you want to do, no, just to some streaming thing. Because the great thing about having a child is that it's kind of like having a slave but you don't have to have the moral awkwardness of that. Like, I've got a four-year-old and I've managed to convince her

that it's really fun to throw things in the bin, for instance. It's a game she can play where she can open the bin and just throw the rubbish in the bin. So you need to train a child or a seal or a dog or something that just plays. some sort of streaming thing. You're saying it's easier to train a seal

than to install a simple ad blocker software to play old Seinfeld clips. Is that what your contribution to this million dollar right there is? How entertaining would the seal be? If I had a seal in my house, I wouldn't be training it to do things with it.

I'd just be watching the fucking seal. That would be entertaining enough. So I've never watched State of Origin. Get out of this pub, Charles Perth But he has read a book on TV About state of origin What happens when an ad break comes on Do they just stand there and wait

Until the ad Is that it They have to hold up play For two minutes Everyone goes Why it goes so long Why don't you install the ad blocker On the screen in the stadium

So all of the players Can all be weird A seal comes out But there's a problem with this Chris. There is a proper. I think you need to think about it. Which is that what they do, did anyone actually watch State of Origin there? Random applause if you watch State of Origin.

I watched it. Go to lose. I mean, it's the small number you'd imagine at a chaser event, frankly. I watched it, and the problem is that during the game, they're constantly going, that's the Harvey Norbert replay, and there's things, constantly there's ads during the game

on the screen. So I want the technology to be able to replace a tiny portion of the image with Jerry Seinfeld doing some classic gear. I have an idea. You know how, like, the New York Mets or whatever those things are? Baseball. Okay, baseball, right.

That's not a sport. But they have the videos of people like kissing. You know, the videos. Oh, the kiss can. What if we had like that, but it like just randomly went to a TV in Australia. Or like, a lounge room in Australia. And then it's like you and you've got to do something to entertain Australia. Because don't we keep reading that like Google Home and Alexa?

Like Gogh. Like Google Box. It's just a random Alexa just goes on. It's just randomly and then you're like on. Kiss cam for people watching the state of origin. That's very good. It should basically be homophobic men who have suppressed their homosexuality.

Yes. And forcing them to kiss. Now I think we've got a million dollar idea. Do you agree? And frankly, turn the camera on in my house and there's a motherfucking seal. All right, next idea. Okay, from sport to the arts. This is so highbrow.

Someone in the audience said, oh God. I love that that person paid to be here. This might just be me. Tell me if it's not. Like, I like theatre. I like going to plays and that kind of thing. But I hate intervals.

I hate the whole ritual of interrupting the story, having to get up from your seat and doing that sort of awkward march through the narrow street. See, if you're coming up at a bar. We just had interval in the show. That thing we just had? I hate that.

It's my solution. And I think it's a good one. You can still have your interval. If the idea of intervals is largely to give the actors a rest and to make a bit of money on the bar, is to sort of have mini bars inside the armrests of every single scene. So you don't, you know, you're with me? So you lift up one flap.

A bit like, you know, planes have those flaps where the table comes out. You'd have like fun-sized chardonnay, fun-size charades, spirits, nuts, malteseas, whatever you want. And then the other side just beers or. of the world, but whatever you want, and then if you want to get them out, it's a bit like a vending machine, I imagine you sort of scan your card to get

one of them released, tap your card. So you still get your drink, but with none of the inconvenience of coming to do the theatre shuffle. And you could have a straw that comes out from the seat and you suck on during the play. A paper straw that comes like a paper one,

yeah. I can take that ball and I can, what about a sushi train that just goes around the whole that's good and I'm thinking we need this for this event and can the drinks be on the plates because I hate remembering the prices

that would be good but we'd have to snake through every row like that there'd be snacks yes good it'd be snacks as well where is this train during the performance oh it's going it's constantly going it's really disruptive

during a boring STC yeah yeah that's all there's just drinks constantly oh this is brilliant and then ideally if it was SDC you'd get rid of the plate as well, and then you're really great. It's just a bar where you can sit down. You're in the sushi train.

I'm loving that. I'm loving that. And what I love is the notion that somewhere on the sushi train, there's an air horn. And you've got the sound effect, Logan, at some point during the course of the performance, during a particularly moving soliloquy, some fucker just goes,

that's not bad. I can't remember which podcast it was. It was some time in the last century where we were talking about how to get people back into churches. Yes. If you had the The drinks train. The holy water. So forget the Eucharist where you have to.

The blood of Christ. Yeah, just have constant blood of Christ leaking through the church. And you can just like, I love that. Yes. I think it wouldn't it be amazing if you just sort of had dripping from the ceiling and everyone's just trying to catch a drip during the sermon. That would be, I'd go to church. I'd be fantastic.

Okay, more I did. These are sort of not, these next series aren't so much entrepreneurial money-making. exercises, just advice for society. The segment is going well until now. Cool. Yep, that's great. Like, this is, I reckon we're queuing the wrong way all the time. Like, we're far to...

Waiting in a line. You don't like. So, we need to be more, we need to sort of have more options or more segregation in queues. The gelato bar. Separate cue for all the fuckers who want to taste every single flavor. Yeah, we... Yes. And then another one.

for people who know what they want and straight in. That's not going to make me a million dollars. I just think that'll improve society. Also, what if... No, that is a million dollar idea. That's, yeah. What if a gelato Messina, like one in ten of the tasting scoops is just a piece of poo?

I would never... You'd never do it again. Or arsenic. Just get it done. In a similar vein, airport security. Separate lane for everyone... Express lane, for people who don't have a laptop that they need to take.

out of their bag and just want to zip. Who doesn't have a laptop? You never have a laptop. I check it in. Precisely so I can try and get through. You don't know. No, I've never done. I've never.

You've got a laptop here right now. Always because I hate getting it out. But aren't you worried? That's not what I've heard in the shower. I feel like I had the room with gelato. And then everyone's totally fine being held up by the laptop people. Yeah, but wait. In the under, like if you check it in, doesn't it get like damage?

Yeah. No. What is your laptop? It's full of this material I'm doing now. So it's worthless. I need to get people back. Okay, the bar. Back to the bar.

Separate queue for fuckers who are ordering slow drinks like cocktails. Yes. So the rest of us can just get our beer and wine very, very quickly. Are you with me? Yes. Very good. We're in the room back. Speaking of which, someone wants to get me a beer, I wouldn't say no.

If only there was an app like milk run I suggested a sushi trade I'm just going for a more live-fired version of that. Now, the final one is even more shit but you're going to go with me on it because I really, really believe in it. I love fish and chips. Yeah.

But what's the one thing everyone hates about fish? There's always a risk of. Smelling. Bones. Oh, thank you. I love that. But I want to interrogate.

Can I just, For those listening, Chris just got up and did it kind of artsy flourish as though everyone in the room was going to simultaneously go, The Bones. Oh, yes, famously. Ladies gentlemen, one, two, three, the bones. There we go. Ah, of course.

Oh, yes. Edit that bit out, Lachlan. Let's make it seem seamless. It's a choking hazard. No one wants to deal with the bones, but we all love the chips that come with the fish. Why can't? Hello.

Why can't we breed fish whose entire skeleton is made of chips? Yeah. Are you with me? And that's a million dollar right here. Now, gear is from road microphones and we are part of the ACAST creator network.

See you tonight.