The Chaser Report - LIVE: Pub Classics On Broken Keys

Episode Date: July 6, 2022

Gabbi Bolt, Floyd Alexander-Hunt, Dom Knight, and Charles Firth commune at the pub to take part in the most pub tradition of all time... butchering iconic Australian rock songs! Meanwhile Dom sees Sydney struck by floods again and questions what the city has done to upset the gods? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the Jacea Report for Thursday, the 7th of July. How is everyone going? We're here in the pub with Dom, Floyd and Gabby. And Dom, you've got some news. Yes, and look, we meet as Sydney is yet again in flood. I don't know if it still will be by the time you're hearing this, of course it will be. It's Sydney.

This is the fourth time in 16 months. Some people have been flooded in in Sydney, which makes me just think, why the fuck didn't you sell after the second time? But anyway, Sydney right now is wetter than a Craig Roocastle environmental documentary, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, that is wet. The Hawksbren, it's not even a rivet anymore. It's a second Sydney harbour. And if this thing doesn't fix itself up soon, the government's going to try and hold vivid on the Hawksprin-Apeen. and I can just see them doing it.

It's like the movie Waterworld in Sydney right now, except that it's even more of a financial disaster. And unlike Waterworld, we've had three fucking sequels in the course of a year. Although, admittedly, we don't have to put up with Kevin Costas. That's not too bad. I just think, do we think it's climate change that's behind this? Could it possibly be climate change?

But the climate is so fucked in Sydney at the moment. It's on par with America, and the Supreme Court wants to destroy both of those things. Here in the news this week, the Supreme Court ruled that the environmental protection agency in America is no longer allowed to protect the environment. That's what they've

done. Right, right, okay. You can't take any action to stop climate change. The only thing that would make Americans give a shit about protecting the climate is if it was an unborn child. And we can say that in Australia now. We can criticise America because we've had a government. We've got

a government that believes in incredibly minor action on climate change. Give them a round of applause. Yeah. Gradual change. Yeah, incremental change In the face of climate change In the face of climate collapse It's been six weeks

Ladies and gentlemen That we've had this new government And I just have to say to our audience And I'm so grateful you came out tonight But why the fuck did you come to this event? Can I ask? You look at this pub Is at the bottom of three different hills

The Harold Park Hotel The Harold is now called Because the words Park Hotel got flooded It's not just flashed when it rains. It's actually a temporary river that opens up on Rigra Mode. We're on the first floor, or as it will be called, the water view level, once the rain starts. The only way out of this pub, once the rain starts, is towards the harbour in a dinghy, because any other direction you've got to paddle up one of three hills. You haven't thought this through. So

you're basic, given that Lanina is going to continue until apparently summer, we're stuck here until Christmas, ladies and gentlemen, so you've made a very bad decision in coming here. And my question the panel really is, given the period that we've had, the floods, they keep coming back, what the fuck of the people of Sydney done to anger the gods? Because there must be something. We haven't angered them, dumb.

They haven't angered them? No, we haven't. God just wants to help out with a housing crisis, so he's just flooding all of the good ones and making us build an arc. It's like classic him. I must say it's a great way to get the boomers out of their houses. Yeah. You know, it's cheap. A boat.

Well, in comparison to a house. Actually, we're going to have a sort of aquatic version of a grey nomad if this continues, aren't we? Just sailing around Australia. Yeah, I can't wait to reenact the Karma Chameleon music video myself, but apart from that, that's a really niche bit, by the way. Because I've got a different theory. I think we have, I think the people of Sydney have sort of angered the gods. And I think it's because in Sydney, with an opal card, you've got to both tap on and tap off.

And so fucking annoying that the gods have gone. Okay, let's just get rid of Sydney. What a stupid system, let's start again. And we cannot allow that reason to be set. Because anywhere else in the world, you only have to tap on. Whereas in Sydney, you have to tap on and then tap off. It's so stupid. My theory on this is that God is incredibly shitty about Sydney property prices

because his son keeps trying to borrow from the bank of mum and dad and that little brat Jesus is just he keeps, you know, taking away their retirement money. Right, so, so it's so that Jesus can send another son down here and he'll be able to actually afford a house in Sydney? Is that the idea? I think God's the father, Jesus is the son,

he wants to borrow from the bank of mum and dad. That's what's going on. Right. I keep saying, Dad, can we have a chat? I just want to talk about my future. Can you co-sign my mortgage application? But then why does it rain? I don't understand why they're in a range.

Drama. Drama. Oh, it's right. It's metaphorical. My theory is that we've angered the gods because of how we, because of the Australian census. Just our answers really pissed God off. Oh, right. So he booked the demographics.

Well, you know, over half of Australia went, we're not really into you anymore. And he was like, I'll show you what I think about that. Let me show you. Hell, hath no fury. I'll be in to you. I'll be in your houses. Watch out. That's a really good God impression.

I went to drama school. Could it be that Dominic Peritay simply had too many children. I mean, at the point where... She's trying to dampen things in the bedroom. In the Peritay bedroom. At the point where they're... Oh, because things were so hot before. Well, something.

He's got something going on. And she's just had the baby, so, you know, well, here comes up. another one, maybe. Jesus Christ. Well, yeah, well, exactly, yeah. If you'd created a beautiful world for everyone to enjoy, and basically, statistically,

every single person on it was going to be a peritay within a generation. I think he'd pretty much fall the pit on the whole show. My question is, what do we do to sort of appease this and get out of it? How do we save things and turn it around? Crash the census website, crash the census. Build the arc. Get rid of opal cards Or the tap off

I was thinking about who'd be the human sacrifice And I honestly think Fred Niles had a good life Hasn't he? He hasn't got long to go Oh He's still alive Is he?

I didn't know he was alive I mean Medical opinions divided on that But or you can You can burn the entrails I think of a clove and hoofed animal So I just order the bangers And mash from the bar

It's not bad at all Who knows whether it's going it could be yeah okay so i think you've solved the climate crisis yeah have we well because otherwise we could just call ourselves australia's venice couldn't we couldn't we lean in oh yes i like that yes you know we don't have any old old buildings or anything like that but at least we don't have any fucking gondolies singing operators so that's got to count for something is yeah although surely what we should do is get some gondolas that's a very good point actually Then you could tap on.

They'd make your tap on and tap off, don't they? Fuck. Ah, fuck. Ruin the whole experience. What is buying things for you like? Like, how is that? You only tap on. You don't tell you, I suppose.

Have you never used the card? She's going, and tap off. You would have paid twice, Debbie. I have two of everything. Gabby's just paid twice for everything. Yeah, well, I'm preparing for the arc, clearly. That was a really fucking sick biblical joke, but it's fine. It's fine.

The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. What is that item on your lap, Gabby? This is my dad's Cassio PT30 from 1983. Yay, bought it in Singapore when he was 17-ish. I don't know my dad's age. It's not Andrew Bolt. Anyway, but I, yeah, I'll be honest. I'm a busy woman, all right?

I'm very busy. and I've got to be honest, I completely forgot that I was booked for this gig tonight. You know, nothing like honesty. So I decided to, you know, I thought I would just bring it back to my roots. If you didn't know, I used to actually be a pub muso. It was like what I did for an income aside from running a very badly run tax-wise business. And I used to play covers in pub, so I thought I would bring a bit of that magic to a pub. Problem is, my actual instrument's broken, the one I actually play that sounds good.

So it's Pub Classics on a 1982, Cassio, 1983, thank you sir, Cassio PT30. Right. And that's the bit. It's the keyboard. Yeah. What does it sound like? It's a very professional sound. Yeah.

So it's going to sound great. And this bit's going to work. Oh, right. Right? It's a fucking innovation. It's amazing. Yeah. Yeah.

The last Cassio out of Sydney is almost gone. It's great. It definitely is exactly how Jimmy Barnes intended. You seem to be running out of keys there. You kept on jutting up against the left end of the... No, no, I wasn't running out of keys. It's just how I play. Yeah.

Is that keyboard younger technically than the song KSand? I think it is. It's older than me, so... That's good. Yeah, and I don't know when KSand came out. I just know how to play it because I had to make a living somehow. Yeah, but anyway, requests. Okay.

Well, I like KSan. I want to hear if you just... That's the only song you can play in it. While you think of one, can you just picture yourself at a very, very special event, right? It's a royal funeral. Ladies and gentlemen, what better than candle in the wind, Gabby Bolt? Can you take it away? No, not that one.

I know all the other Elton John songs, though. Really? Yeah, dead set. I never had the request candle in the window to fucking pub night funnily enough. You want Rocket Man? I can do Rocket Man. Rocket Man.

Okay, okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. She packed my bags last night, pre-flight. This is exactly how it meant it. Zero hour, 9 a.m. And I'm going to be home. I as a kite by then And I think it's going to be a long, long time

To touch down brings me around again too fine I'm not the man they think I am at home Oh no, no, no I'm a rocket man Rocket man Burning at his fuse up there alone She's like It's like just the perfect instrument

She can do anything Except candle in the wind I should have briefed up on that one Do we have any requests from the floor? The more generic, the worst Yeah Hotel California Oh, wow.

This is going to be long, ma'am. You can never leave. It's kind of like a comedy gig. Oh, nice. What's the first line of Hotel California? On a something desert highway. There we go. It's actually musically better than the original at this point.

This is great. I don't know why I ever write material It's a very long intro On the dark desert highway Cool wind in my hair Warm smell of Coletus Is that the word? Rising up through the air

Up ahead said the captain. Those aren't the words. See, fucking major. This is how every drunk person sings Hotel, California. Welcome to the Hotel, California. In a time of year. Such a lovely place.

Fuck me. Such a lovely face. Living it hop at the Hotel, California. It's perfect. Anyway, that's it. I'm not doing the solo. Nice work. I can do Thunderstruck.

We want to hear Thunderstruck, ladies gentlemen. This is the end of the segment. It's a very short episode. Oh my God Wow Anyway Anyway I spent half an hour

in the Uber on the way over I mean, it's still better than Somo's April starting in Cuba. Let's be completely fair. It's already better, ladies and gentlemen. Our gear is from ride microphones. Play us out, Gabby.

And we are part of the A-Cars Crowder Network. And it's now time for the drunk Q&A. Please charge your glasses, ladies gentlemen, and ask you a question by putting it in the little buck jar over there. And if you're not a paying subscriber to the podcast, you don't get to hear this bit. Yeah. And please

Round of applause for Gabby Thanks And can I say if you go and see one of her live musical comedy shows She actually does know how to play piano Yeah This did not give off what I do very well at all