The Chaser Report - Local Zeroes

Episode Date: November 21, 2021

Gabbi has received the genuine honour of being hailed as a Bathurst hero, and officially starts campaigning for The Chaser Report to do a Bathurst special (It's not going to happen Gabbi). Meanwhile Zander brings the final report on his adventures in the Sydney Film Festival! Did he see all the movies? What film is best for sleeping in? How did the afterparty go? Listen to find out. Plus Charles almost died on his bike - again. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today's episode of The Chaser Report, brought to you by unsupervised interns. So, um, Alec Baldwin. No. No, Locky. Too soon. Too sad. Why do you have to shoot me down? Lockland.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report for Monday, the 22nd of November, 2021. We have Charles. Firth. My name is Dom Knight and we have someone who is very big news in Bathurst. It's Gabby Bolt, ladies and gentlemen, Gabby Bolt. Actually, my name now is local Bathurst hero Gabby Bowles. What happened? So I don't know if you guys are aware of the most prestigious award in the Central West, but I have been asked to be a part of the local heroes of Bathurst. Hang on. Is this that they want someone local to like play them on or are you potentially a local

hero of Bathurst. Local hero of Bathurst and I have to give my top experiences of the Bathurst region. It's like for a tourism campaign magazine thing. They do it every year and you get like a little photo taken and they tell everyone about it and everyone in Bathurst talks about who's the heroes this year. I think sometimes you get a tree planted in your name. Do you get to meet Peter Brock? Well, no.

Charles. No one could meet Peter Brock. Too soon. Yeah. Too soon. Although he was a local hero of Bathis. So you'd be walking in his tie prints. Well, I think these awards mostly go to mostly local people.

But the email is actually really lovely. It says, hi, Gabby. I'm super excited that you're working with The Chaser. In parentheses, I used to subscribe when they actually printed a newspaper. Oh, wow. She must be very old. We probably owe them money. Question one, they're promoting the fact that you left Bathurst to make your careers.

Is that a good thing? Oh, I think it's like, it's just a nice, if you left but you still like it, then you're in the good books. But what I find very funny is that they've asked for their tourism campaign. for five favorite destinations around Bathis that I would give to them. Can you name five? Well, excuse me. How many Maccas? Are there three Macas in Bathurst?

Two Macas, thank you very much. Three subways. But I can name five. I just don't really know if they're going to want the five that I've got. What are they? Well, you know, bus stop near post office where I smoked Adari once while drunk, great stop. The church that is now burnt down that I once got a sausage snag from while absolutely hammered from the Christian people and they were really nice about it and then they tried to

invite me in to become part of the church and I was so drunk that I was about to agree and then my friends had to take me away. It was like one in the morning. I had no idea where I saw just sizzles happening anyway. So that's like number two. Number three, yeah, probably the town macas. Charles, I don't know if you're hearing what I'm hearing, but I'm hearing a genuine local hero of Bathurst. Yes. And a true reflection of the Thirstian culture. And the fourth one would be the wall at the Dudley where Nina Ryama threw up. It seems to me that all your Places are related to getting incredibly drunk. So drunk, in fact, you forget where you are.

Oh, yeah. You know what, though? That's the way. Bathist, much better place to get smashed than Orange. Oh, yeah. Or careful with your words there. You might actually get some genuine hate mail for saying that. Not for me.

Bathurst people will love before. I mean, Orange has lovely vineyards, but if you want the Gabby Bolt Trail, you've got to go to Bathurst. Elton John had the option of Orange or Bathurst, and he chose Bathurst as well. So, I mean, if it's good enough for Elton John, then it's good enough for everyone. to Sydney. That's not it. No, he loved the church that offered sausage snags that time. Gabby, congratulations to you.

And also congratulations to Bathurst tourism on finding a way to get free content from locals. They can always get it from me. So does this mean we have to call you the Gabby Bolt now? No, not yet. Only when are we going to go there? No, no. We're going to do Bathurst Week.

Okay, we're going to do a Bathurst Week. Are we going to do a Bathurst Week? If someone will give us free accommodation, we'll do it. My mom has offered several times. If someone other than Gabby's from... No, my mum, you can come and help feed the chooks. It'll be great. No, I want to stay at the Biss-Western or something.

Oh, you can stay at Ridges. That's where all the famous people stay. Oh, okay. Where did Elton stay? Elton might have stayed at Walton Valley like an hour and a half away, the big five-star resort. But no, you guys... You guys should stay at Ridges. It's right on Matt Panorama.

It's where all the race car drivers stay. It's the nicest hotel in Bathurst. Okay. That's my fifth spot. We'll try and get a spot ship deal. I am not joking. We could probably do it. I could get them to do it.

We're doing it. Let's do it. Let's go to Bathurst. On today's show, Zander wraps up his film festival Odyssey, given that the festival is finally over. Plus, I've got to tell you what happened on my way to this studio today, because it's a disaster. Oh, Charles.

Always reliable. So we're coming up right after Beck in the Chasingh Newsroom. In international news, America has become the first country. to legalise murder following the Carl Rittenhouse trial. Al-Qaeda has congratulated Joe Biden on the move, saying they hope they can finally bridge their differences. Scott Morrison has asked Australian intelligence communities to refrain from calling anti-vaxxers terrorists

in wake of protesters' threats to kill Daniel Andrews. The Prime Minister said that ASIO should focus on actual threats like environmental activists who are trying to kill things that matter, like the coal industry. The dodgy fuckers in charge of the country have officially back flipped on their election promise to launch a federal ICAC. Six months before the upcoming elections,

the dodgy fuckers shocked journalists around the country when they announced they don't actually plan to create a federal ICAC for some reason, after months of blatantly saying they don't want one and sidestepping allegations of corruption. Those are the latest headlines from the Chaser Report, I'm Rebecca Deunamuno, and I'm not looking forward to dying of dehydration while struggling for a car park at Westfield this holiday season.

Today's episode of The Chaser Report brought to you by unsupervised interns. Lachlan, Lachlan. Yes, Gabby. Why have you stacked all the chairs on top of each other? I am now king. I am king chairman. I am chairman of the board man. This is why we need an interview process.

A couple of weeks ago. So Zander said himself the task to watch 36 movies at the Sydney Film Festival, which was probably a way to watch movies on work slash tax deductible time. But it was a huge effort to dash between sessions. He also took on the task of organising the after-party for the end of the film festival. Zander, did you do any of the above? Okay, I got to. Can we take bits before he answers?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, take bets. Okay, 33. I actually think you saw all the films, but I have no idea. if he remembered the after-party. I reckon he saw the 36 films, but at least five of them he would have seen online. I don't want to, in any way, reflect on Xander's character, but I suspect that the after-party may have been some texts going,

hey, guys. Party at mine. Party at mine in five. Okay, okay. So I got to 33 films in cinemas. Oh, right. So I was right. I missed two because Charles Firf last minute invited me to the James Bond premiere.

Oh, fair enough. And so I was like, Art House films or James Bond premiere, so I ditched the art house films. Yeah, fair enough. And then I missed two more films because I needed sleep. Yep. Because I was staying up watching three-hour movies every night in cinemas. So I got to 33 films all up, and that's pretty good.

That's pretty good. And the one question that I have about the films is, was the James Bond any good? James Bond was good. It was good. Oh, that's great. That's not what your one, is it? You just spent the whole week watching independent films. You go see the biggest James Bond.

undervent of the movie, all you can say is, it was good. Did it make everything else pale in comparison, or did you go, actually... Everything else is better. All the sort of festival films are actually better and media and better for the soul. And the world of film is a big lie and we should be funding more independent filmography. I mean, it's hard to say, because I saw June the night before, and it's hard to say that June as a $150 million movie is a small independent film. That's true.

I keep forgetting June was a part of it. But yeah, no, overall it's quite good. And, like, there were some films that were a bore and I nearly fell a... There was one film I had a half an hour nap in, woke up and still understood the last two hours of the movie. What was that cool? Drive my car. Are we obviously going to flame that publicly?

No, it's a good film. I was just tired. Well, you know, the hour and a half that you saw of it was good. Actually, for a lot of people, Xander falling asleep is a reason to go to it. But my read on this is that the best film in the Sydney Film Festival, Fortnite, is no time to die. Poor Nishin came on the podcast.

He got up for so much of his time. Entrusted you with the after party. And all you can say was, yeah, James Bond. So what happened to the after party? Okay, so I don't know if anyone's been out at Sydney on 10 o'clock on a Sunday, but there's nothing open apart from dumplings in Chinatown. Oh, pretty lit though. And so did you organise it?

Yeah, we went to dumplings in China town. Did Kate Blanchett come? No. Who's we in this story? Jeffrey Raj. Is it you in a book? No, no. Richard Roxburgh?

My Kindle was there. But it was me, George, who I'd seen five or six other films with, and another few friends. It was pretty good. But what about... High profile people? What about the people for the film festival, Zanda? No one wanted to come.

I don't know if you've hung around the state theatre after everyone's leaving and gone, Hey, guys, do you want to come do dumplings with me in Chinatown? There's very few people who are keen for dumplings in Chinatown. I'd be keen for dumplings in Chinatown. I'll go right now. Can I just point out that Zanda spent... A week and half of the film festival and now he says theatre.

Yeah. The theatre. He got some culture. Yes, it was quite nice. But the funniest thing that happened to me on the last day of the festival was an old French lady was sitting next to me in one of the movies, right?

And I'm eating veggie chips and I don't know if anyone's eaten veggie chips before, but they're not exactly a silent thing to eat. They're a bit crunchy. And so the film ends. And I stand up, I'm zipping on my bag, and I hear this French lady go, piglet.

And I turned to her and I say, excuse me, sorry? And she goes, piglet. And I'm like, what? Like Winnie the Pooh? And she's like, no, not like Winnie the Pooh, piglet. What does that mean? And I'm so confused at this stage, I go, did you, okay, did you like the movie? And she goes, yes, I like a movie, but I hate, I hate when people eating chips through a movie, loud, chumpy, chompy, chompy, chompy.

Can they make a movie about this woman? I tend to agree with her. Like, I hate people who make noisy noise during a movie. I understand. But she could have asked me to stop rather than calling me piglet. But what did piglet mean? I'm surprised that, like, everyone else eats veggie-o food. You think, go, oh, no, these are vegetarian.

My mom calls me piglet when I eat too fast. Oh, I see. I thought it was quite sweet. I was like, Winnie the Pooh. Oh, nice. No, you were stuffing your face. You're a peat. In a Winnie the Pooh sense, though, Piglet was the smartest.

You're not even a pig, you're too young to even have made a little pig. Overall, good experience. I recommend heaps of the movies from the festival, French Dispatch, The Power of Dog, Tartain, if you want something off the walls, and no time to die. And June, all great. And if you're having trouble sleeping, go see that one about the car. Yeah, Tartain. I like that Zander's like, I can pull some legit film criticism out of this.

Yeah, you can ramble it together. I can pull it back. I can pull it back. Zanda, it has been genuine. entertaining, and let's face it, probably more entertaining than some of the movies you watched. Thank you for endorsing my tax-deductible adventures. And if you want to call Xander at Piglet, just Xander atchaser.com. Or leave it in the reviews as well.

We'll love reading that on a Friday. Today's episode of The Chaser Report brought to you by unsupervised interns. Lachlan. Gabby, I'm just here. I know you want some hot coffee. Here's some hot coffee. Before we go, Charles, you had a disaster tale and I don't want to let you leave this room

without telling us what it was. So, yeah, it is a bit of a disaster. So what happened was my bike... Oh, not this. Has been squeaking. I went and got serviced a few weeks ago. Ever since then, it just squeaks the whole time. Like, just riding it along squeaks, right?

Not ideal. Is sure that's not your hips? So, I decided. I decided to oil it up, right? And the only thing... The bike or your hips? Oh, maybe it is my hips. You're right.

Oh, anyway. Well, this didn't stop this anecdote from happening, which is... So I thought it was my bike. And so I went to oil it up. The only thing that I had that was a lubricant was WD-40. No. And it didn't have the nozzle on it. So it just had the sort of thin sort of...

Oh, shit. A spiky thing, yeah. Yeah. And so I just went, oh, okay. well, I still really want to stop my bike from squeaking. So I just sort of pushed it down with my finger and it just sort of poured out everywhere. And I didn't know where it was squeaking.

Like it's very hard to tell when you're on the bike where the squeaks coming from. So just when, okay, everything that moves on this bike, I'm just going to pour with this, a lot of WD40 is coming out. So I did that. It was very smelly and everything like that. Get on the bike and going,

oh my God, I am a genius. I have solved the problem of squeaky bikes. The only problem that remains is now my brakes do not work. Shit. Because, yeah, they require friction. There is a lot of lubricant on the fucking brake. So there is such a thing as too much lube. And it is. Very nice.

Thank you. So on my way here, I was going, okay, well, I'll just ride a bit carefully to get here. Yeah. Don't want that sort of thing. But I was riding down this hill. But I had the right of way. So I was thinking, okay, well, this will be all right. You just zoomed out.

I hope all the cars get out of your way. This is a horror story. And then your breaking strategy was just, it's flattening out. And then this car pulls out. Like, totally didn't have the right of way. Like, it was fucking. Yeah, it's the car's fault. And I, like, literally came within, like, literally about a meter of, um, teaboning the car and dying.

Like, and I just went, fuck you! Like that. Because it was their fault that I couldn't break. I just want to rewind to a few years ago when Charles famously had a couple of beers at Yumchar. Oh, yes, I've heard this story. With Sam Dastyaria, it's an important detail. Went off your bike and completely shattered your elbow. Yeah, I've seen the photos.

And Charles, can you be careful when you get on a bike? No, no, but the whole thing is that the reason why I fell off that bike back then was that my brakes were really, really solid. Like just the moment you press them, they'd stop the bike. And that's why I fell over the handleback. Or it was because you were very well lubricated at lunch. No, it was very, no, I can tell you, it was because it was too abrupt. The brakes were too abrupt. That problem is now sold.

I guess. Leave us a five-star review. It can be your posthumous gift to Charles when he died. Or you could just tell him some completely flat areas to drive. That would work too. Bathurst, except for Mount Panorama. Oh, yeah. Take the bike on Mount Pan.

You won't end, it won't end badly at all. Conrod Strait will fix your ride up. Be right. Our gears from road microphones are part of the A-cast, Crowder Network. Catch you this afternoon. In Bathurst. No. Come on, guys.