The Chaser Report - Looking Forward to 2021

Episode Date: January 6, 2021

It's the new year and everyone is looking forward to a new year that's not as bad as 2020. The team tries to talk about what they did for New Year's Eve, but then realises that the show is prerecorded before New Year's Eve. Zoe conducts a Hunger Games style death-match between Dom and Charles, while Nina acts as judge. Everything else in the episode is a bit of a blur, much like New Year's Day. Plus Rebecca De Unamuno with more improvised news headlines. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational, and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the first edition of The Chaser Report in 2021. Happy New Year. Nina Ayam is here. Zoe Not in Lodges here.

Charles Firth and me, Dom Knight. Plus, our improvising newsreader, Rebecca Deenamuno, we're throwing things out of her. She doesn't know what they are. And even though we can edit this, she starts talking less than a second after we give her the idea, I promise. What have we got? The latest in fashion trends. Here is the latest chase and news. Fashion trends.

After establishing that leggings weren't pants, it seems that fashion experts are now saying that it's very important that if wearing active wear to look like you're doing something. It seems that there has been recently a wave of women who decide that active wear is just comfortable enough to wear on public transport, to the shops, to the park, to business meetings, and even to weddings. Yes, that's right, weddings. This has reached an outrage amongst the fashion world. They're now claiming just be banned at all times. Just stop wear, especially when the bra thing, like, and you just stop, just stop. Just put on clothes. We're a fucking bra.

What's Tom Cruise up to? Tom Cruise is still a fuckwit. Experts say that he has still retained his number one fuckwit of the world status for now 35 years straight. He's jumping on the couch, he's yelling at Crewe during a film. His many, many, many wives and the world of Scientology have proved that Tom Cruise deserves the award. And beck a lice infestation in a most awkward place.

A lice infestation has just developed in my pubic region. More news on that after the appointment. There you go, completely improvised by Rebecca Tahit. Here on The Chaser Report. All right, so what's coming up in this episode? We're going to start with you, Charles. Well, I'm going to talk about my goals for 2021. Are they business related?

Because if so, I don't think. No, they're like personal goals. They're not achieved. No, resolutions. All right, I'm excited to hear them. It's great to have goals. I'm going to try and get us all pumped for 2021 by telling you about some of the exciting events coming up during the new year.

I am going to work with my esteemed colleague, Nina, to figure out who's better, Dom or Charles. Very obvious. I'm going to do a star sign reading for each of us, for our horoscopes in the new year. Oh, this is a very personal development-style podcast. Yeah, optimistic. Holy See, that's lovely.

Yeah. I'm assuming of Charles who are clearly going to come off pretty badly. Anyway, let's get to it. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by New Year's resolutions. This year, I'm not going to start any pandemics. Why did I start that first pandemic? The Chaser Report, now with extra whispers.

Now I want to talk about my goals for 2021. But before I do that, I just, have to put a caveat on this, which is that I have a terrible track record when it comes to news resolutions. So, for example, in the past, I once had the New Year's resolution of trying to acquire a taste for scotch. Oh, that's nice. I spent the entire year ordering scotch and just at the end of the year, I hate... You were an alcoholic. No, at the end of the year, I still hate scotch and I've spent a whole year drinking scotch. It's horrible. What made you want to do that one?

Well, I just, I think I wanted to be a man about town. You thought it'd be sophisticated if you were pissed on scotch. Well, I just thought, no, one should acquire a taste for scotch. What is, what is your usual drink? Like a, like a vodka soda? A voti soddy? No, like, you know, just a beer or a wine or something. Fourx gold.

Fourx gold. Yeah, 4X gold is actually my favourite beer at the moment. Anyway, I once tried to acquire a taste for pepper. What? It's been a whole year. saying yes to pepper and i hate beba can i stop at you right now what do you think a new year's resolution is it's going to be to try things you hate what your understanding of what a new year's resolution is well it's trying to improve yourself isn't it yeah but it doesn't have to always be just eating

things that you don't like charles i've known you since you're a teenager the list of ways which you need to improve yourself but pepper and scotch are a very long way down that list So the year that I tried to not constantly betray those around me was also a disaster. It was a flame out. Oh, wow. I can speak to that. Instead of doing those sorts of resolutions, I've decided that I should focus on what I don't want to do. Oh.

Rather than what I do want to do. And so I can at least not achieve things. Is that what I mean? Yeah, reverse psychology. Yeah, it might be easier to just focus on. things that I don't want to do, right? So here is my list of news resolutions. First of all, I don't want to become a commercial airline pilot this year.

Okay. Because even though it seems glamorous, I think the hours would not be family friendly. And, you know, I don't think there'd be many jobs in the airline industry anyway. Probably not. Yeah, there you go. Next one is... Is that something that you wanted to do prior to this?

No, I've never wanted to be a commercial airline pilot. but this year I'm going to try very hard to not become a commercially by accident. Yeah, and I think that I, look, I think that's a realistic game. Are you the kind of person who'd put like on a to-do list for the day,

like doing my taxes, going to the toilet and then you get to tick off one of them? Like, is that you're kind of like, yeah, I do. I always put some easy ones on there. Oh my God, I do that.

Yeah. It helps with my depression. Oh, that's... Good. Well, there we go. That's a helpful strategy that we've all, I mean, Charles's list is certainly contributing to my depression. So the next thing is I've decided I don't want to compete in the 2021 Tokyo Olympics.

So I think first of all, the whole, you know, it being in 2021 is going to make it a year where like you've got the world championships, you know, the following year. It's going to be overshadowed by other things. It's going to be overshadowed by the coronavirus. I don't think it's the Olympics to compete in, like if you're going to comedian. Yeah, because when you get in your mid-40s, you really want to wait another four years before you go to the Olympics.

And that's the other point, which is I'm not very good at sport. But it's also, I mean, but it's the breakdancing one, isn't it? No, that's 24. Oh, well, you'll be, you'll be ready in time for that. Yeah, yeah. So, Matt, I'll just focus on that. Then I don't want to write a semi-autobiographical erotic novel this year, I've decided. Really?

Yep. Well, that's surprising. I prefer comedy. as a genre. Although there might be some crossover. Having written a very unerotic semi-autobiographical novel, I can actually say that seems like a good choice in so many ways. Was any of you as erotic?

No, not at all. Yeah, yeah. Thank God. Yeah. I got told after the first one that I should add sex scenes the next time. To your autobiographical. Yeah, it wasn't a good advice. Who told you that, Dom?

Was that your mum? No, several readers actually said it was weird. Several readers were like more sex, Tom. Yeah. More dummy sex scenes, please. Yeah. My career is a novelist. It's not entirely successful.

But there are three of them. So I've also, I've decided. What, three people who asked you for sex scenes. Three novels. Or three sex scenes. Three novels. Did you, because somebody was asking about your novels the other day. No, they weren't.

They were. They were. And it's this young intern here at the Jaser who, I think, I think wanted to know how to be like you, Dom. That seems very like that. And his thing was, did you get a three book deal, you know, and you had to write three? Or was the first one so amazing that you got the next two?

Like, how did the book deal, how was it structured, Don? I didn't think there'd be any subject more less interesting than you talk about the things you don't want to do and would never do. But, yeah, let's move on. Okay. Wow. Wow, no answer? I got two and then I got another one

and then it became clear to all concerned that I should write other kinds of books that weren't novels. So I did that. And that's why you should buy the 2020 dictionary to keep Dom away from writing novels. That actually, people actually bought that and it's because I put the big stickers on the novel

saying this is not a novel. And don't worry, there are no sex scenes. Well, there's some pretty juicy pangolin action, but anyway. Okay, let me keep talking about my news resolutions. I've decided I'm not going to take it. up smoking this year? Well, you used to smoke. Is it because you already do it?

Oh, yeah. Well, I used to smoke a lot. I just, you know, just would chuff down the cigarettes. Like, no. Is that a verb people ever use with smoking? Well, I did. Choof, I think, rather than chuck. You don't say chute.

Depends what region you're from, but I think it's normally choof. Charles, is this segment going to go until you've excluded every single other thing? And then, no, but no, because my other news resolution is to never do this segment ever again. I think that's a great resolution. It's very formulaic. The audience probably would get bored if I did it. And I'll be too busy avoiding not doing all the other things to prep this segment. And I think we all have a news resolution, which is not to read Dom's three novels.

Yeah, the market kind of already made that clear to me, Zoe. The Chaser Report. Less news, more often. The Chaser Report is brought to you by New Year's resolutions. The perfect way to spend 11 months of the year disappointed in myself. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. All right, so look, 2020 was miserable. We know that.

2021 is almost certainly going to be better just because there's vaccines, et cetera, et cetera, and it's not 2020. I thought I'd generate some genuine excitement about the new year based on the event. based on the events that are occurring in 2021. So I went through and got a list of some of the highlights coming up this year. And we are in for a cracker. I just did the first three months. So get ready to get excited about this year. On the 11th of January, the no pants subway slash metro ride will take place.

Happens all over the world. All you do is you board a train or a bus without pants. And then act as though you've got pants, everything's normal. It's a giant improv event that you can do anywhere. I hate improv so much, and I've never hated it more. Wait, wait, anywhere in the world. Yeah, it's improv everywhere.com. It's a mission, the no-pants subway ride.

So if you imagine getting out of the London Underground. That's disgusting. With no pants. But that's disgusting. So people will be sitting with the bare ass on. You wear undies, but the hilarious bit, you're not gathering how funny it would be to pretend you had pants. pants on while riding the subway, yet not wearing pants.

Do you have to wear a mask, though, right? That's probably true, you would, wouldn't you? Just leave your legs bare. You don't seem hugely excited by this. Yeah, look, it sounds like something that sounded funny at the pub. Yeah. And then somebody decided to do it. It sounds like the kind of thing that at the pub, you'd convince one person was a thing

and then just get somebody to end up being the only person in the world not wearing pants on the subway. I just think that would actually be a great idea because I love to DAC people and if they're only wearing one, you know, layer of pants, easier to DAC. Yeah, but also you could, you could deck someone and then when they got upset with you, you could go, no, no, it's no pants subway day. You went to the website. All right, moving along, the day after on the 12th of January, Charles, you like this. It's Kiss a Ginger Day.

Oh, I like that. And the reason why this happened is because someone set up Kick a Ginger Day and that was considered two negative, so instead... I didn't like that one. When is that? Is that today, mine jans? It's 12th of Jan, so put it in your diaries, kiss a ginger. Hey, that's just five days away from now. Hey, Charles, what are you doing next week?

Should we, yeah, that's, uh, that's met up for kiss a ginger day. Oh, wait, is this Kina, and he thought it was Kika Ginger Day. Charles, have you ever been a kiss before? That would have been really awkward. Will this be your first kiss? I mean, it would have made a lot of sense. If you'd gone in for a kiss, you definitely. would have gotten a massive kick.

You could do the two at the same time, couldn't you? No. I thought I was in. I thought I was in. All right. On the 20th of January, there's Penguin Awareness Day. Are we all aware of penguins? Have you ever heard of a penguin?

Yeah, I'm aware of them. Well, I have had a long-standing. A what? It is penguin. A penguin. Penguin. Oh, I'm not aware. So you've got a very exciting day coming up on Jan 20.

I'll tell you what. I have a long-standing position that all penguins should be eliminated. I think we should drive them to extinction. Do you? Yes. It's people like you who are why Penguin Awareness Day was founded in the first place. Although it'd be more like Penguin Remembrance Day. What's your beef with penguins?

Ah, they're like the dodo. They're all sort of cute and fluffy. Black and white. Yeah. They're just like airline pilots. No nuance. All right, moving into February. What fuckwits?

Get rid of them all. The whole of February is... I'm confused by this because there's FebFast where you don't drink, but there's also Dry July and OXOBA. And it seems like there's a lot of competitiveness in the month of abstinence market. Why don't they call it November?

That's a good idea. Yeah. We should start that. Do you say there's Ocsoba? There's Ocsoba. Yeah, there's Ocsoba. There's dry July and this is Febfast. which is about, and I quote,

the tools and opportunity to reflect change and break existing routines that inhibit wellness starting with alcohol. Charles, I'm not looking at you, but I'm looking at you. Well, I'm actually planning to develop a taste for scotch this year. I don't know where I got that idea, but I will not be doing fervast because I will be drinking scotch

and I will be successful, unlike someone. All right, well, Nina, maybe sign up to Feel Good February. That's on at the same time. And all it is, it's just you're doing kind deeds for people, you're making people feel better. Not kicking people. Impossible. Do you know I did a thing called Wet March where I drank alcohol every day in March? Did you?

Yeah, it's on my Instagram story. I just got plastered every day in March. Was that during 2020? That's a very 2020 thing to do. No, it was during 2019. I was ahead of the curve. It was so far ahead. Mm-hmm.

All right. And how did you feel on April 1st? Oh, not good. Right. But it was good. It was, because I don't drink that much. So I was like, yeah, I can just do reverse. dry July.

Was it like, so it was like super-sized me? Yeah, but for alcohol. Yeah. What did you learn? Absolutely nothing. In fact, I think I came away less smart than I was before. I'm sure, can I tell you? I'm sure I've done wet march and not being aware of it in the past.

It's just a march, just a march. I've done wet march, but no, with alcohol, weak, wing. I hate myself, please cut that. On the 1st of March, speaking of which, that is apparently world compliment. Day. And the note here is give someone a genuine compliment today. So start saving them up. All right. I don't know who comes up with. This is a site. Is that why you've invited us to a party on that day? Yes. No, because I think March 1st, isn't that World Buy Dom's Book Day as well? I don't think that would work. And then the most important day on the 8th of March is Commonwealth

Day, which is the annual celebration of the Commonwealth of Nations. Did you? You know that that was the... I didn't know that was a thing. Isn't that International Women's Day? I think that sounds familiar. That would be very awkward if it was on the same day, wouldn't it? I'm going to check that. Let's look that up.

Yep. It's the International Women's Day. The Chaser Report. Less news. Less often. I just wanted to bring something, you know, just to the table. I just wanted to, you know, want us all to get to know each other a little bit better. You know, just that sort of thing.

Don't look at me like that. I hate you. Why are you looking at me like that? Because you're going to pit Dom and me against each other and make us fight to the death. And it will bring out our badness because we'll shit on each other. Yeah, that's the point of this segment. Yeah, that's right. Okay, that's the entire point of this segment.

And it's going to be hilarious. Okay, so the point of this segment is... I can't wait to watch two middle-aged men fight each other. That's the funniest thing I've ever thought of. Okay, so this is how it's going to work, right? This is like, would you rather with Dom or Charles, right? What? No, it's not a, like, not a sex thing.

Not a sex thing. It's just I can't think of a better way to describe it. So I don't know what to do because normally this format is Charles and Andrew we're going to gang up on me and me feeling like a loser. Well, this is what we're going to find out. There's going to be a whole new dynamic. Yeah. So what's going to happen is I'm going to ask Nina a question,

but then in order for Nina to make her decision, you guys have to fight it out. So you guys have to plead your case to, you know, for yourself against the other person. Yeah. Yeah, well, Nina's perfect. You can't judge Nina. I get it. Nina being the judge. Oh, Judge Nina, yes.

Judge Nina. So I'm bringing the case to the court. Yes. These two are going to fight it out, and Nina's going to be the judge. Okay, so. I like this format. Okay. That introduction, I don't know if that worked, but we're just going to roll with it.

Okay. And Nina, if you have any first remarks, you're welcome to, you know, to say them. If you have any, you know. By the way, Nina, that's my critic card. Wow. Okay. Okay. All right.

Okay. Who would you rather be stuck in 14 days of hotel quarantine with, Dom or Charles? Hmm. Does anyone want to plead their case? Yes, I'll plead my case. So the first thing is Dom Maltz. That is true. That is sad but true.

But Dom doesn't have any head. Oh, no, but I mean, not on my head. Not on my head, admittedly. On his back and his shoulders. That is a cleaning. task but Charles you're hairy too but I guess your hair's a lighter and also they're ginger they're pleasant they're friendly hairs but then again I'm less mean about people's physical defects so that would make me a nicer person has been 14 days with you saying that I have

physical defects if you did I wouldn't point them out thank you guys thanks for arguing my Any other points you'd like to, you know, too many questions for the candidates, need on. What would make living with you for 14 days in hotel quarantine a good companion? I shower and use deodorant. I have, yep, I sometimes shower and I'm sure I could, I could bring deodorant if that helped. If I was like, fuck off, would you fuck off? No, I would

Pemptively fuck off Because of my massive insecurity I would just Okay, Dom, just go to Dom Let's just move on I would just get a bathrobe I would put it in the bath Oh wait you'd wear a bathroom line

It goes to chow I'd hide under the bathrobe And you wouldn't even see me For 14 days Look you're all You can be even on that one Okay, all right No, no you got to make a choice

I'll go dumb because it said it first. Oh, thank God. So, Nina's verdict is Dom, but this was before Dom brought in the late breaking. I'm going to worry about. I'm hiding under it in the bath. I think you should reverse your decision and choose to meet, Nina.

Okay, all right. No, you, Charles legitimately got his credit card out and is trying to buy me in this way, which is sorry, but I don't respect. Okay. I don't respect bribery. Nina, okay, who would you rather have pick your outfit every day

can I make the case for Don Have you seen what I wear I don't know I think you both dress equally terribly I'm pretty sure you both wear the same shirt every single day I do dress boringly

Occasionally you wear flannelettes Don't you? But anyway you think of another dog But Charles is wearing currently a super dry Japan t-shirt with Hiri Garner on it. However, super dry, he probably isn't to wear.

It started by British people to steal Japanese cultural identity and make money out of pretending to be Japanese. Wow. So you shouldn't wear that t-shirt. That t-shirt is cancelled. I don't think it's cancelled though. Isn't it just that they have just appropriated? They're yellow fishing.

Is that what it's called? Is that what it is? When you pretend to be Asian? Yep, that's exactly. That's super dry. It's a bed of lies, Charles. Yeah, but that doesn't, that doesn't mean you'd be able to, like, pick my outfit.

But doesn't it mean that it's more trendy than you who's wearing a sort of bloody shirt? Yeah, this is a boring unicloat thing. It actually comes from Japan. Yeah. Except it was made in Cambodia by China. Okay, it's like weird that, like, you keep referring to Japan.

Okay, it's a couple of things that are weird. I just need to just jump in. A couple of things that are weird. One that you keep referring to. Japan, two that you're talking about what you're wearing. So in this hypothetical, you're just going to take your own clothes, your own fucking terrible clothes and what I need it. You don't have to do that.

But also the weirdest thing would be choosing clothes for someone else. Like, that's why would we do that? Because that's the question. That's a question. I think I'm going with Charles because he actually understands the question. I think I would be very good at choosing your clothes because your clothes are awful all the time. You decided too soon. Okay.

All right. Next one. All right. Okay, that's Charles, that one. Okay. Nina, who would go further as a contestant on The Bachelorette? Oh, God. Oh, right, okay.

One of the suitors. Well, thank you for finding the least weird way to ask about our attractiveness, but it doesn't make it less awkward. Why are you over Charles? Okay, wait, which series of The Bachelorette? Oh, good question. Angie Kent, Sophie Monk, like who we, we're talking women to women here, right? Look, I think that The Bachelorette is heavily edited and essentially rigged by the producers.

So that is why I would go further because I'd get out my credit card and bribe the producers. Well, this is kind of, this is what I think would happen. As someone that's only seen one, one Bachelor season, I reckon Charles will get the villain edit. Yes. Because you just got like a weird British vibe, even though you're not British. I don't know what it's like, your name is Charles. Like, that's such an English name. And English people always play the villain in stuff.

I'd tell you what would, I would go all the way to the final two and then be crushed when that's optimistic. I'd be the innocuous guy who got told it in last round. I just want to be your friend and then I'd be crushed. No, I don't think you'd make it to the final two. I reckon like Dom doesn't really make it past the audition day. Just kidding. Okay, so who's going to go further?

I think Charles, but only because he would have a villain at it. They'd keep him in for the air. Okay, fair enough. Yeah. All right. Who would you rather do? And then later it would like turn out you were like texting all these other people in the house. Yes.

And it would be real bad. You're not like even texting women. You're just like texting companies to try and get your merch up. Who would you, it's the last one. Who would you rather do a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle with? Oh, that's a good question. I look, I'm easy to say like. Dom, I feel like Dom's more agreeable and cooperative.

Did this just stop being a company? When it comes to jigsaws, I just have a premonition about that. But with everything else, I don't know, maybe you both are equally. I reckon I'd be quite jolly to hang out with doing a jigsaw puzzle. But, you know, we could divide it up by colours. That's how you do jigsaw. No, you actually find the edges first. Yeah, you find the edges, yeah.

Okay, Charles, he's edgy. That's true. Would you like to make a case, Dom? I have known Charles for a very, very long time. I've been involved with Charles in many different ventures, and I would strongly endorse you not to choose Charles. That's all I don't say.

Charles would fucking take half the puzzle and float it on the stock market and you'd all end up been fucking done for fraud or something. He would sell it. They would sell puzzles of a photo of the two of you doing the puzzle and you'd lose all the money. Okay, well, just because Zoe gave a vote of confidence for Dom. I'm going to go with Dun for this one. So what's the score?

Who won? I think I won. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. This episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by New Year's resolutions. This year, I'm going to stick to my hands. healthy diet, start CrossFit, and murder my neighbour with a knife. I'm going to kill you, Gary. The Chaser Report. News you know you can't trust.

Dom, Charles and Zoe, you know I'm very into star signs. I'm a very wishy-washy crystal lady. I'm a Leo, so. Yeah. Could you tell? But I've decided, like, often at the beginning of the year, I like to read my own horoscope. and like hope that that, you know, reflects well on, you know, the year. How did you go last year?

Did your horoscope predict unending misery? Yeah. And you know what? I was fully equipped. I was fully equipped. No, I actually don't remember. I always just read it at the beginning and then I go, oh, that could apply to anything. But I've actually decided to do all our horoscopes together.

I mean, you have basically already identified the floor of all horoscopes, but that's okay. Let's persist anyway. Well, it's so weird, though, because when I looked on the website, But these ones are, like, quite oddly specific. Oh. So, Dom, you, I got you to message me your star signs before, right? So, Dom, you're an Aquarius.

Yes. So this one said, there's going to be a lot of water in this year for you, probably because you're an Aquarius. Water carrier, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they said that you're probably going to do a lot of swimming in a pool. Is that correct? Yeah, I do like swimming in a pool. It's quite literal, this horoscope.

Yeah, it's so weird. Is it referring to the massive Lanini, like, rain? event that's going to go for the next few months. Or the fact that you have a pool in your backyard. Yeah, in my apartment building. Yeah, that's true. Oh, do you have a pool? Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah. Just kidding, I did know that. Anyway, and it said, it said that, so you're quite good word of words. So you'll probably be writing like a dictionary of some sort, Aquarius. This is rigged. It's so, it's so, but it said in big letters, not a sex scene though. So that's, that's, that's Dom's one. That sounds accurate.

Amazing. So how's the book going to go? Does the horoscope tell you? Well, my, my publisher's really one of the 2020 dictionary. The salespeople said you've got to call it the 2021 dictionary so that it excels after 31 December. And I made the point that that would deny the entire premise and theme of the book. And who won? Eventually the publisher was like, yeah, look, I think it's going to stop selling at the end of the year, but I think we can't have a dictionary for you that hasn't happened yet.

So yeah, I won that one, although not commercially. But 2020 is an iconic year. Like I think it will be remembered after January 2021. So good point. Well, I remember it in 2021. Yeah. I remember it now as well because it's January 7th right now. What was it called?

2020. Something, yeah. I remember it. Yeah, no, I do remember it now I think about it. 2020. Yeah, yeah, I remember. Yeah, we'll get hazy about it. Was that before or after 2019?

Yeah, it was like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, just like a collective removal from my memories. Anyway, moving on to the Verger. Horoscope. So Zoe and Charles, you're both Virgos, I've heard. So it says that you guys will make interesting decisions in the year 2021. That's quite general. And there's going to be a Mercury retrograde. So you all know what that means. Yeah. What does that mean? I don't know. Mercury was a god of war, wasn't it? So it's a retreat from war. Or are you just going to like smash a somometer and get covered in mercury.

I think that sounds about right for both of you. Yeah. But it's so weird because this horoscope that I'm looking at, it actually, if you go down, it has like name specific. So it goes, if your name is Zoe, so weird. Your child is going to learn a swear word and use it against you in public. But it's going to be in a way that will be good for content. So it'll be like totally fine.

and it says you're going to get a second season of a television show I don't know why it says that because it's meant to apply to everyone it's so crazy and I also see that you if you get a second season over your television show you'll ask Nina Oyama to be in more episodes so weird that all Virgoes are getting this horoscope that's so cool can we take this horoscope to the ABC because I really would like this solid prediction to be in front of some eyes right now I also it says that if you're a Virgo called Zoe you'll go

to the Logies, and there's something about, like, white powder and bathroom stores. I don't know what's going on there, but it's probably nothing. Do you know, like, okay, the last time I... There must be infant formula, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, like, flour for cooking. The lot, can I tell you a quick funny story? Last time I went to the Logies, I was, I was still breastfeeding, and I left my kid

behind in Sydney because I'm a great mom. And I sort of like, I did run out, like, everyone runs out to do whatever they want to do in the bathroom. I did have to run out because I didn't bring a like a pump and I literally had to sit in the toilet cubicle like just hand expressing into a bowl with my dressing and 100% people just thought I was doing drugs in the toilet I was like I'm literally just like squeezing my boot

over a toilet bowl and that's why I didn't get invited back this year that's such a glamorous night isn't it that's beautiful yeah breastfeeding's night of night they call it. All right. So now Virgo, there's also a name

that says if you're a Virgo called Charles. And it's weird that Charles comes after Zoe because Zoe is the last letter in the alphabet. But there you go. So it says if you,

your name is Charles and you're a Virgo, you're destined to have some failed merch related deals. I don't know. That seems a bit oddly. It doesn't sound like me. And it says that you will not go to the Olympics or become a pilot. But it does say you will take up smoking

and chuffed down many cigarettes. Oh, well, there you go. So good luck with that. And for me, it just says, Leo, very successful. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report.

It's almost time to finish the episode, but as we always do, it's time for some late-breaking news, which means throwing more random concepts at Rebecca, who wants to go? A thing that kids are doing that parents don't know what to do about it. Kids are taking over the household. That's right. After 2020 and staying at home and finding homeschooling was a breeze, kids are now deciding to run the households, whilst parents get the opportunity to sit back, watch their iPad or any other device, and ask why all the time.

Parents are now enjoying this switch in roles, whilst kids have decided that the first thing that they will do each morning is do a poo-poo, brush your tiffy-wif and damn milk. And the surprising claims of a religion have turned out to be true. That's right. A religion that was deemed not to be true is true. Just like Dom said. I heard we're running low on a supply of... And a supply of eligible men in Sydney has appeared to completely have dried up. Several experts...

Me. ...have seen and done almost every man and have realised there are... no more nuggets of gold out there in the sea of shit. So to all single women in Sydney in particular, enjoy your solitude. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Coming this summer to Netflix, it's the hippos gambit. Chess is a game for babies, horses easy to ride. Hippopotamus, as I would imagine, are more difficult.

They're not just hungry. They're hungry, hungry. There's only two strategies to the game. The fast munch and the slow munch. It's the way it's been, and it's the way it always will be. And no young woman is going to change that. What if I try the medium munch? Heretic.

We'll kick you out of the Hippo Club for this. Your grandmother did not get eaten by a hippo to see you treat hippos like toys. Now stop imbibing and read this pamphlet on Hungry, Hungry Hippo opening mood. I've read it thrice. Now, piss off while I mainline this bag of sherbet. There's no way you'll beat the Russians with that attitude.

My hippo is engorged with balls. You must resign, woman. There are more balls left if you know where to look. I don't know how you do it. I watch the ceiling, and I see all the balls going into the mouth. Coming to Netflix this summer. A story of love, betrayal, and tiny white balls. The Hippos Gambit.