The Chaser Report - Make Love, Not Omicron

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

Omicron has been confirmed as a fan of nightlife so Aleksa, Dom, and Charles try to find out how to put an end to nightclubs once and for all. Meanwhile Aleksa brings his usual cheer with a deep dive into the super Cuomo bro's. Plus the European Union has failed to make a worldwide commitment to unite together against uniting together. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Tuesday the 14th of December 2021. Hello, Charles Firth. Hello. Hello, Alex of Vultevitch. Hi there. And I'm Dom Knight. And the most important story in the world, we'd like to start the podcast this way.

A Spanish bishop who married an erotica author has been stripped of his powers. He was the youngest bishop. He was bringing new ideas to the church, such as marrying erotica. author, Sylvia, Cabela, what would the Catholic Church have against that? So, hang on, are bishops normally allowed to get married at all anyway? No. Oh. Right.

A secret wedding. It wasn't at all that she was an erotica author. She said, no, she was a dynamic and transgressive erotica author. Transgressive. Wait, does that mean she did, like, child erotica? Because I feel like they might be into that. Oh. Oh.

I see what he did that. So, hang on. How did he think he was going to be able to get away with it? Like, where did he get married? Did he get married in the church? A few years ago. There's so many, so many questions. A few years ago.

So he did get away with it. Well, they're very good at covering things up. He fell off with the woman and he said he wanted to do things right. So that's a bold new idea for the Catholic Church. All the best with your erotic futures, Bishop. Our top story today, other than this one, of course, is the Omicron outbreak. And people who party are getting COVID again. And Alex's in.

What are you talking about? Talking about Chris Cuomo, Andrew Cuomo, the whole Cuomo family. It hasn't been going well for the Cuomo family this Christmas. And finally, an international gathering of anti-globalists. Ooh, that sounds very tense. We kick things off, as always, with Beckettane Amino. In the Chaz Newsroom, she'll be with us in just a moment. Earth has once again taken home the grand title in the Miss Universe competition,

with entrance Jupiter, Mars and Andromeda, claiming that the competition is clearly rigged. The Labour Party has once again broadened their lead against the coalition in the latest round of polling. Anthony Albanese has called an urgent party meeting in response to the good news in order to work out how they can best fuck up their lead. The Queensland Government has announced that travellers will no longer need to quarantine before visiting the state, stating that the 50-year gap that already exists between Queensland and the rest of the world, world is probably long enough. The Australian government has announced a new $1 billion contract for military cannons

to be built in South Korea in what will be a great boost to the American cannon building industry in two years' time. That's the latest headlines from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno. Charles and Alexer, I don't want to alarm you or potentially ruin your big Christmas gatherings, but people keep going out and we keep having more COVID outbreaks in New South Wales. What happened was there was a Sydney Harbour party boat cruise on the 3rd of December and then that has now seated this giant outbreak at the Argyle House nightclub in Newcastle.

And there's something like 700 people who are close contact at a nightclub, which makes me think that dance floor must have been absolutely fucking going off. It makes me just want to go to that nightclub. I know. It's like when in Newcastle, Argyll House is the place to get going. How to get a passion. It does kind of mean that the festive season is not going to be enormously fun if we can't go to nightclubs. But there's always award ceremonies to go to.

I suppose it changes the whole meaning of picking up at a nightclub. It's always been the case that, you know, seedy parties in nightclubs ends up with some sort of terrible disease. Actually, that's true. This isn't. This isn't new. In fact, COVID's probably milder than. Most of the things you can traditionally get in a nightclub. And I think Omicron's better because you can bet that everyone will have it.

You know, there's no more ostracism. You're just like, we all have Omicron. That's true. Yeah. That's true. I kind of, look, I've never been particularly pro-death. But I kind of feel with this one, you know, we've had two years of being good about, you know, not transmitting a fatal disease.

Maybe it's just better if we give up on. Just go fuck it. Yeah. Run free. We've had as many vaccines. You can't have. I've had three shots. That's it.

No one in the world has had more than three. Except for that legend who got both Pfizer and Astra. Did you see? He got 10 shots in one day. Would that, like... Should we get him on the chase? He probably developed a new variant. He's probably the father of the first vaccine-resistant variant.

I bet you it was Chez. A bit we'll find out it was Chez. Actually, in our Summer Series we're going to talk to him about all the Botox injections he's got. The man loves a needle. But so don't go out, I guess. I mean, your choice is either dice with death, that kind of sucks, or don't go out, which also kind of sucks. I don't think it sucks.

I'm feeling horrible because, like, my past lockdown was such a failure. All my friends, you know, they were all exercising every day, and they picked up new hobbies. I wasn't organized to do any of that. So I'm looking for another lockdown to prove myself. That's so true. I'm going to do this one right. The first lockdown, I was all like, I'm going to exercise, didn't do an exercise.

Second lockdown, I actually did, and I lost a bit of weight. which I've now put back on about the past month. Fuck you, Dom. So the third time lucky, isn't it? This is going to be the best lockdown of our lives. And for our Victorian list, it'll be the seventh time lucky. Yeah, lucky seven. I wonder if they have the sixth lockdown itch after the sixth lockdown.

So the question on everyone's lips is, when is the next lockdown going to happen? Like, is it going to be, are we going to get through summer and then it'll be like May next year, June next year, which is one possibility. Like we get through all the way because that's what's happened in Europe where they sort of got to have summer

and now they're all locking down again in winter. Or is Omicron going to change it and by the end of January we're all going to be fucked again? Well, the epidemiologist I saw a quote the other day, said mid-Feb. So basically we get the best bit of... So get your passion on now, is it?

Yes, yes. There's no need to hold back. We're all screwed anyway. So you might, like every day you go out and have a great time and don't catch Omicron, that's lucky at this point, isn't it? Yes, you're right. And also, your chances of catching Omicron now are still less than, say, in a few weeks' time,

isn't it? Get that tongue out there. We should just all be going out. And sure, it will lead to more and more people getting it. But it's that sort of, it's like, you know, in a stock market crash, it is still rational to sell ahead everyone else. You want to be the first mover. You want to be the first mover.

the first pasha. Actually, if I was in the new class of nightclub, I'd be going, I made a rational decision. But there's something else I think we need to do, though. Heading into the summer of craziness, I think we as the chaser across the organisation should commit to not winning or being nominated for any more awards because going to awards night seems to be the main way to be a close contact.

There's a podcast awards, now the actor awards, the Opera House last week had a case there and everyone had to go and get tested and stuff. Just we shouldn't do anything worthy of awards. I think that's the lesson going forward. That's going to be really hard for me, but you know what? I'm going to commit to that.

I'll try my best. I mean, this podcast, sure, we were nominated, but we didn't win anything. Weren't we really low down on the list? It's a great mistake to go to an award and then lose. Like, you take all the risk and then you're humiliated. You should have pashed Danny Litch.

That would have been the way to go. News you can't trust. The news has been a bit bleak this week with Omicron spreading around the world and across the country. Fortunately, though, Alex who is here, our Taster Report, Ray of Sunshine. Tell us about a new story that will uplift and reassure you that all is right with the world. This is a story about family bonding, about looking after your brother, about Andrew Cuomo and Chris Cuomo. Now, one of them is the governor of New York or was, you know, until you had to step down. the other one's his brother who works at CNN.

So Andrew Cuomo, he was the guy who got out up and he was the governor of New York and he did the daily press conferences every day. And he was actually, I mean, he clearly loved himself. But during that period, he was, I mean, and he'd sort of been responsible for New York's terrible trouble. He was the only person who actually seemed to take COVID seriously. And he was so full of himself that he wrote a book.

He actually stopped and managed to fit in writing a book about how great he was at managing COVID during the period. But he was very popular. People said he might run for the presidency. Because he was very anti-Trump. Like, it was back in the first outbreak. And he was the only person sort of going,

hang on, let's just lock down and do something properly. He was like anti-Trump, but in the sense he was like the Democrats' mirror image to Trump because he's quite like a sleazy New Yorker, a bit of like a tough guy, populist angle. But just like Trump, he's also accused of sexual harassment. Oh, yeah, that was horrible, wasn't it? And he also got his job due to his dad as well.

What happened? I don't know the story. So last December is when the allegations started and they've just been growing. He's just been doing really gross stuff. I mean, it's like a lot of it's classic politician stuff where he's being frisky with his staffers. But then it just expands to all these other situations. Wanking on desks, that sort of thing. Yeah, no, that's an Australia specialty.

Getting your staff are pregnant and then leaving your wife of two decades. To the staffer? Yeah, it's classic political practice. Being touchy, feely, just unpleasant. There were a lot, and there was lots of allegations about it, too. It wasn't just one case. It was almost, shall we say, a pandemic of problems in his office. Oh, God, okay.

Yeah, it was really gross. But last month, Andrew Cuomo's brother, Chris Cuomo, got fired from his job at CNN. So it turns out this CNN journalist brother was pulling strings at the network to help his Governor brother squashed the allegations. Oh my God. So there was some pretty rough ones as well. There were like texts between them and he's like, I have dirt on the girl who you harassed at the wedding.

Like, you're like, you know, trying to, I guess, get his brother off and silence. Not in that way. Because he,

because, no, there was this whole thing where he was like, well, oh, I can't talk about this for ethical reasons. I can't, won't be commenting on my brother.

Because he was a really major anchor at CNN. Like he had quite more prime time. Quimal prime time and whatever. So what he was actually doing behind the scenes? I mean, again, he was using his journalist skills to dig up dirt on anyone who would say anything bad about his brother. I mean, look, this is just like a classic case of gross corruption, sexual harassment. But the most ridiculous part in this saga is Tucker Carlson's response.

Oh, he had to get involved. Yeah, yeah. So he's the Fox News. Yeah, he's the Fox News guy. So he's like Cuomo's enemy. And actually, I want to throw this out to you guys. Like if you were a right-wing shock jock and you've just seen your liberal counterpart go down for all this gross stuff, like what's the best way to capitalize on this, on your enemy's embarrassment?

How do you, what do you say when this happens? I would defend him and invite him onto my program on Fox News to try and restore it because nothing would be more humiliating for a Cuomo than having to go on at the only outlet that would touch them will be Fox News. That's a very funny idea. But surely, no, surely you did. up all the dirt and do a one hour special on get all the women on i think yes i think dom was a lot closer you should really look into getting a job at fox news check out what tucker carlson had to say helping his brother is not the worst thing chris quomo ever did in fact it may have been the best thing

he ever did not because andrew quomo was a good person he certainly wasn't a good person andrew quomom was loathsome but andrew quomo was chris quomo's brother and that's what you do with brothers, even the loathsome ones. You help them when they needed. Period. It's called loyalty. Wow. Wow. I mean, let's just recap that Tucker Carlson has his job because Bill O'Reilly was accused of harassment by his colleagues. And his old boss, like Roger Ailes in charge of Fox News, lost his job due to harassment. So huge call for Fox News, and he can say, well, you know what, it's his brother. It's okay. It's the right thing to do. I think it's just, It's so beautiful that, like, this is the big bipartisan thing in, I mean, yeah,

this is the big bipartisan thing in America. Like, it brings the left and right together, like, squashing sexual assault allegations for your connections. Yeah, bipartisanship is so rare in the States now, and this seems to be the one issue where they can reach across the aisle to mutually grope people. So what's happened to the Cuomo's now, are they just out on their nose? Yeah, yeah, neither of them have their jobs anymore. Has the Australian Federal Liberal Party approached them to run in the next election?

The Chaser Report, more news, less often. Before we go, there's very interesting news in international relations. Oh, thank goodness there's time to squeeze an international relation story to the podcast. We haven't had one for a while. Something cool happened in Poland, in Warsaw, specifically. They had a conference international, all these different countries from around the world, all committed to one thing. Oh, yeah.

Anti-globalism. Oh, my goodness. They all came together from across the globe to commit to anti-globalism. To not coming together across the globe on things. Exactly. And did it break down into acrimony? Did it not go well?

It didn't go very well. Oh, that's great. That's hilarious. To be fair, it was within the EU. So it was all these anti-EU parties in Poland to discuss how they can unify to fight the EU. Actually, Marine Le Pen said it pretty well. Well, perhaps this will help

make everyone aware that it is only through unity that we will succeed. Embended the European Union by weakening it. That is fucking hilarious. So they're going to unite to become disunited.

Yes. That is just, oh, that's wonderful. But, oh, that sounds like an even bigger failure than the last time in history that fascists got together In Warsaw and made a Warsaw Pax. Oh, God. Our gears from road microphones were part of the A-Cast-Crader Network,

which is not a global anti-globalization pact. Let's be very clear on that. The creator network, it's not that. No, it's not. Which is a shame in some ways for comedic purposes. Leave us a five-star review. Oh, yes, we haven't had many reviews recently. Yeah, we wanted, we want you to say nice things about us.

Because some of the comments have been really horrible. Oh, there was some really, but they still had five stars. That was a strange thing. It was very, yeah, maybe it was just sarcasm. Well, some of them had one star, but, you know, they were generally the ones that said too many ads. We have a plan coming to try and reduce the number of ads that's in the show because we know that some people have given one star reviews,

which I guess is flattering because it means that they want us to have, they want more content from us, just they want us to have less money at the same time. Actually, the ads are my favourite part at the podcast. You never know what you're going to get, but it's probably Charles talking about Airbnb. Catch you this afternoon. See you.