The Chaser Report - Mark Humphries on ACTUALLY reviewing 2021

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

Mark Humphries returns to the studio to take on the task of reviewing 2021, with moderately more success than he did on Friday. Together Mark, Charles, and Dom unpack some of their favourite political moments throughout the year, and this time only go off-topic once every 12 seconds. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to another afternoon edition of The Chaser Report with Mark Humphreys, once again, and Charles Firth and me, Dom Knight. Now, we did have some complaints over the weekend. Yeah, it was at this point when I thought we were going to introduce Mark's rap of 2021. We went down to Baz Luwomen-shaped rabbit hole that lasted for about 16 minutes, and then we realised that was the end of the episode. So we're back to try again.

What do the complaints want? Do they want more or less theatrical? More bads? Well, they actually were very supportive of all just fun anecdotes, but they did want to hear the wrap of 2021. Well, why don't we do a minute on that and then go into some more anecdotes? Okay, great. That's in the moment here on the Chaser Report.

None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. So anyway, Mark, 2021, what a year. Yes. A year of accountability, I would say. I would say, I think this is a year when people were really held accountable briefly and then given a portfolio back. Yeah.

That's a very good summary of 2021. Now, which other theatrical legends are you? Yes. Thank you. Thank you very much. I was waiting for. A lot of people have kind of left, haven't they, this year? Yes.

I mean, Greg Hunt, I was in Parliament House last week, and I ran into Greg Hunt, and he seemed to, preoccupied and then about an hour later he announced his retirement so that was the end of that were you the final thought i think i was i think once he saw i was in the building he knew his days were numbers yeah that's what were you doing in parliament house great question yeah no i was because we were touring in camber and so well let's do some anecdotes about there please um but i met up with mike bowers you know photographer for the for the guardian and host of talking pictures on insiders and so i just met up with him and then went and saw james geoffrey

who used to write Struth Oh he's wonderful Yeah He now is the speechwriter for Albo That's right Is that a job that exists?

I know I love James But I You know Yeah because is it That Albo is incredibly Wouldn't Maybe that's

You know Maybe it's a style I mean I thought Maybe it's a parody Go on a microphone And ramble About growing up in In Campa Down

Isn't that Well Didn't we Yeah I mean I don't know If we can say Who this was

But we knew Someone who was approached By Joe Hockey Remember Yes that's right Yes I don't know I don't know if we can say what that was. No, I think that that was public at the time, wasn't it? David Hunt. Yes, it was in the news. It was reported. Oh, there we go. That's fine.

But I think that that was sort of, he was sort of worded up into that, right? It was a bit like Gladys Periglin last week with the Waringa reaction where Dave Hunt went, oh, yeah, maybe I'll write your speech or something. And then suddenly Joe Hockey announces David Hunt, now my speechwriter. Amazing. So anyway, so yeah, saw James Jeffrey, but yeah, no, ran into a bunch of policies. I saw Peter Dutton, didn't have a chat to, Peter Dutton. I can't believe you didn't have a comedy banter with the Dutster. No, no, no, but you know what we found out? Don't tell me he's got a sense of humor and his lovely man.

Is that he is a lovely man? Not a monster. Apparently, not a monster in person. This is true. This is right. So friends of ours who run, well, I don't know, maybe we won't say it, but they, you know, people, they, they run a business in Canberra. And politicians often come there And they said, no word of a lie Coalition members are the nicest customers And it's actually the labour people Who are the absolute shit

They're the ones who stick them on tips, I imagine And guess who sends a sort of cold shiver Up your spine every time you see her According to them Well, right Well, I feel bad saying exactly who it was But Well, no, it's because I was trying to press her or what

Because it's just true. Generally, like everyone mentions it when you talk to people in Canber, which is Penny Wong. Like, apparently she's just... Very specific about the Vegemite DeBudder ratio. And apparently there's something about her voice where every bureaucrat, you know, she walks into a room and just everyone's scared. Isn't that good?

Like, that's what you want to understand the estimates. She might want to switch that mode off. Yeah, maybe we are when you ordering it. But you walk into a... Like, if you're the bartender, like, you know that if you stiff the amount that's going in the shot for the gin and tonne, you're going to get a lot of questions in an icy cold tone. Because she's on the Foreign Affairs Senate Estimates Committee

and a whole lot of bureaucrats actually pissed off early to COP 26 a few weeks ago in order to avoid being questioned by Penny Wong because then all their underlings would have to do it. It's honestly true. I mean, valuable for our democracy to have people who ask forensic questions, but probably at a bar, not fun. But, you know, in terms of who is absolutely the number,

nicest customer. Tony Abbott. Oh, no. Don't tell us. That's what they said. I've got to be honest. I spent about 40 minutes in a cab with Tony Abbott once. And he was just, he was fun. He was witty. He was asking about the chaser. When he was on the back bench, like before he returned his leader and then Prime Minister, and he just did not give a shit. He did a sketch for us on the chaser. Like, the best thing Tony Abbott ever did for us was right when everyone, hated us at our absolute needy of our career, he came and did a sketch because he was just like, oh, that happens to me all the time. Wow. And it was so, like, what was the sketch? Uh, it was

something, it was about being on some sort of parody of insiders or something. It was like a, like a late night ABC chat show. And he came and played himself. And it was right in the week when we were basically, literally canceled by the ABC for two weeks. And Tony Abak came into all the stuff. And I kind of thought, well, he's clearly not going to run again if he's going to associate with the likes of us. But then, yeah, it all worked out. But then, yeah, it all worked out. and he was very personable. Did it work out, though? The sketch worked out.

But the strange thing was, I'd just seen him in an event, like we went from the event to the airport, and he was doing that incredibly wooden, like, ah, ah, I don't want to make a mistake thing. So the thing is, in public life, appalling. Yes. But then if he thought that you weren't going to tell the story

later on a podcast, he was quite nice company. And he was so scathing about Malcolm Turnbull as the other thing. Oh, right. Like, I was there from The Chaser, clearly not on his side in terms of actually being a supporter of his. And he was just basically being absolutely contentious of Turnbull in a very funny way. What in particular? Basically, he's saying he was an idiot.

He didn't have a clue what the electric wanted. He was just full of shit and, you know, very, very rich. Well, I've, I've clipped this up and put this out online. But there's, in Turnbull's memoir, I've listened to the audio book of it, the best, my favorite section, is this bit where so after Turnbull became Prime Minister, you know, deposed Abbott, the anecdote, I think basically word for word, is it was a Christmas time and he calls Tony Abbott.

And he says, I called Tony to wish him a happy Christmas and he told me to fuck off several times and hung up. It's just a perfect anecdote. Imagine that delivered in Turnbull's crisp sort of radio broadcasted Italians too. We'll roll that. We'll insert this that.

I'll send you the clip. Yeah. Yeah. I also recommend Turnbull's memoir for his Christopher Pine impression. So do the audiobook version of Turnbull. Oh, that's a good tip. He does a very good Christopher Pine impression. So what would it be like being a politician where, you know, your work colleagues are also your mortal enemies.

And then you have to ring them for Christmas greetings and things like that. It must be like being in the chaser. I mean, I'd say too soon, but that's something we never observe it. No, but it's true because they've had each other for so many years and they did each other in repeatedly, right?

Those two. Yes, that's it. But maybe it'll become a thing like Fraser and Whitlam they'll become this. I don't think so. I think Turnbull's very good at maintaining a grudge.

But who won? Between Turnbull and Abbott, who won in the long run? That's a great question. Well, Turnbull destroyed the MBN, and then became pro-minister and basically let the coal interests get away with everything, whereas Tony Abbott

destroyed the... Thought he had a son, no, didn't. But also, it did all that budget stuff where he destroyed the sort of federal bureaucracy. I mean, they both did a good job on Australia. I mean, in their battle, though, because Turnbull destroyed Abbott, but then Abbott's mates did Turnbull in the United States. Yeah, it's sort of like, yeah, it was like Alien versus Predator, whoever we wins we lose.

And so, yeah, no, I think they both came out pretty poorly. I'm just imagining rigging Tony Abbott for Christmas and going, hello, Tony hits you a long lost son. Oh, God. Remember, that was the greatest moment in Australian politics. Fascinating. I never tired of talking about it. How is that not?

We should update listeners if they've forgotten, which is that there was a brief sort of week, week and a half. And it must have been, what, back in about 2006. Yeah, it was, no, probably even before that. It was very early. Early 2000. Because we still had the newspaper where he thought that he had an illegitimate son. Yeah, his ex-flatmate or something.

He had had a kid and he thought it was his and it was another flatmate. And it was very complicated in that house. I think he was a sound recordist who had worked in Parliament House. For the ABC. That was the greatest irony of them all. So there was even footage of this kid, you know, an adult, but like recording his quote-unquote, father.

Yes, and so they met, and Abbott seemed to sort of accept that as the truth and kind of came out and said, we had a lovely meeting and it was great. And then they did a paternity test. Yeah, and it was nothing. There was no connection at all. It turned out to be Barnaby's child. I just think, like that must have been. Everyone else working in Parliament.

That must have been quite a sharehouse, right? Different paternity. Yeah, because, I mean, that suggests. Hole in the wall in one part of the house and then. Because it must have led to awkward, conversations with his wife. Oh, yeah. Which is, like, because the chronology...

Well, I don't know, but no, it was pretty, I think it was pretty... Oh, okay. It was in his student days. He was very young at the time. Yeah, right. And I think, um... But he was Catholic. He wouldn't have had sex with anyone.

He would have had to go to an in seminary after that. But, um... Oh, right. And then that, that gave rise to one of the best chase headlines of all time, which was Tony Abbott's softer carrying side, really somebody else's. But also, if you're a conservative Catholic, Catholic male, it's the same thing as what happened with Barnaby Joyce. You're kind of going, well, child out of wedlock, a little bit embarrassing,

but it's a son, and I've only got daughters, and, you know. Yeah. So, because that was the weird period where Abbott was, this is the thing why I never understood how he became Prime Minister, because he was the naughty boy of the Howard government. He was an absolute joke. It was, it was, the idea of him becoming Prime Minister was so farcical. I just thought it was, it basically required the Labor Party to completely,

completely collapse on itself for it to happen. Yeah, he managed to, there was a famous day when he fucked up three consecutive times in the course of a day in election campaign. Yeah, but he was just like, he just was like a bit of a troll. He was just a, just to, just a, he was the head kicker.

Yeah, exactly. But he, at the time when he got elected, he did seem sort of amazingly brilliant at just sniping. Like he seemed, he was just so good. He was the greatest law position leader ever in terms of effectiveness. Yeah, yeah.

Like, destroyed several. Labor Prime Ministers and then imploded when he had to do the job himself. That's right. Exactly. So, anyway, highlights of 2021. Yeah, that was. That was highlights of 2012. The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. I was sort of doing a millennial recap, really, more than a year.

But yeah, but this was the year that Barnaby came back, which I guess always felt inevitable and yet it was that weird thing where it simultaneously you kind of feel like shouldn't have happened but was always going to happen there was no way like mccormack must have known it was he was just sort of holding the hat for i mean full credit to michael mccormack for being so appalling of being um national leader that barnaby joyce was able to so easily defeat him i mean he had years to just not be quite so shit do you think that in the national party room they just they go okay well we'll just pretend to be this coal thing and go to the wall for coal.

And then we'll give in to the Liberal Party's demands at the 11th hour anyway. And then everyone's got their brand. Do you think there's a sort of deep cynicism to the way they do it? Not if Malcolm Turnbull's Prime Minister. If Malcolm Tamble's Prime Minister, they don't give in at all and he gets kicked out. But I mean, I think the National Party has sort of split personality. I mean, because you've got your Barnabys and your Christensen's and your Cannavans. Yeah.

And then you've got people like Darren Chester. There's the dull wing and the nutter wing, right? Yeah, exactly. That's it. And so, yeah, that's the kind of interesting thing with the national. But, you know, they've overseen the complete, you know, corrosion of funding in regional services across Australia. You know, like, the ABC is sort of obliterate, and that is what serves regional communities. whole of regional centres and things of that

have had their infrastructure destroyed all by the government and yet they keep being re-elected like it's so weird like how do they keep pretending Well it's to me it's like it's almost like If you They're a mining

They're a mining party But they pretend to be far Isn't it like a protection racket Like that has come and go Oh you wouldn't want Imagine if you didn't have a party dedicated to rural Australia in charge Exactly that's the thing

I think there's this perception of it being this sort of country part. To me it would be like if there were a party called the Charles Firth Party and you'd go to the ballot box and even though you know the Charles First has done everything against Charles First throughout the whole, you'd go, Charles Firth, that's, that's me. That's the party for me. And actually, I've heard, because I've talked to people

who campaign against nationals in regional seats and they said it's impossible to get your poster put up by businesses on Main Street. Yes. Because you get Blackball. Yes, the business. That's right. There's lots of businesses who want to, you know, sort of not have the National Party poster.

Absolutely, yes. And so there's this, it's quite a sort of closed shop thing where you've got a, like, yeah, it's a huge branding. Yeah, Tony Windsor had a very rough time with that. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah. But on the ABC, by the way, in regional areas, this is the bizarre thing of 2021. They're in the process of hiring 50 new regional journals funded by Facebook and Google of all the

people like the kind of robber barren people who were destroying the media the one thing that comes out of it is like the sort of blood money pay is it they're actually giving journalists to regional Australia it's bizarre yeah well i was funny i was watching senate estimates a couple weeks ago i always watch whenever uh the abc managing director and sbs manager manager have to answer questions because the questions are particularly unhinged oh yeah it's just such raw hatred for america pets yes and usually you know one of the hanson or malcolm roberts you know one Did you like that tweet? Yes, I mean, that's the thing.

It was all about who liked what tweet. And I mean, Sarah Henderson, she had a list. She was, you know, and she was checking it twice. And she was saying like, now can you explain to me, David Anderson, you know, I mean, he's directed to the ABC, why Anthony Green has, as his Twitter handle, at Anthony Green ABC. Is it not in the ABC, you know, rules that you can't have ABC in your Twitter handle? I mean, this is the stuff that they're dealing with.

and so all the time she's hammering and complaining about the ABC and then she also then complains that one of the regional radio programs and regional Victoria had been dissolved and now that money was going into online reporting. It's just like, well, you're the one holding the purse. I mean, like, you can't sort of cut the services after we cut your funding. That's right. I just wonder if they should just actually forget the federal government

and just do a deal with Facebook and Google. It should fund the whole of the ABC. Wouldn't that be a little bit easier? Yeah, exactly right. I mean, sure, they'd, you know, spookily collect all the data and all the kids in the whole of Australia, but it's probably easier.

I just think, dissolve the government and just let's do everything that's due by crowdfunding. I mean, like, the Climate Council or what have you, that was sort of the... You know that that's... That is taxation. Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Crowdfunding. Yeah, but... Well, you get to choose. No, but at least with crowdfunding, the crowd gets to choose, rather than Barnaby Joyce getting to choose, which is what happens at the moment. That's it.

So, anyway, but this also, this also, was the year, of course, we're glad to saved Australia. Oh, yeah. And look what we did to her. How outrageous, how ungrateful we were. Was a witch hunt? There was a real hubris there, wasn't there? Because she really started believing that narrative.

Oh, yes, the gold standard in contact places who were bulletproof any variant. And really early on in the Sydney COVID outbreak in June, late June, you know, she would back back every question about why aren't you doing more with, well, we're not Melbourne, are we? Yeah. We can actually keep this under control. Yeah. I think that's it.

20201 will also be the last year that Australia will remain a federation. It's just looking that way, isn't it? But Paul Farrell from ABC's 730, you know, was a journalist who would go into those, you know, went into those Beriduclian presses and, you know, pursued the line of questioning about Darry McGuire and all that, and was made to feel, you know, like, this is a, this is a conference about COVID. Why are you talking about this? But he's been ultimately, you know, vindicated. I just, just, just, just, just, just, just, but, but, but, I must tip my head to Paul Farrell for pursuing that, because it was something that, I think, made him quite unpopular with people. Um, but there was,

there was, you know, there was something there. And, you know, so walkly for Paul Farrell, that's what I'm saying. But yeah, so Guy to Save Australia. So I love that it was that, because wasn't it like the Finn Review had their power issue? Yeah. Oh, yes. And the woman who saved Australia was the cover. And didn't it come out pretty much as she was leaving the building? It was the same day, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. But that was the second cover that they'd done. Well, that's it. Because I think they'd had the woman who saved Australia and then they had, yes, the power issue and she featured prominently there. I mean, to be fair, she did save Australia from more Gladys Perrigoically.

It was very effective. I always liked Gladys. She always, she always seemed lovely. But, um, and, uh, but, but we just wanted, we had the submarines. That was a wonderful, that was, but I think, I honestly think that Scott Morrison thought that that was his trump card. Oh, yeah. That was going to.

Yeah. And, and that it was, he was, he was literally prepping for an election for this year. Mm-hmm. And it was all based on, well, I'll get the momentum from Orcus. You know, he'd cleared the desk. Like, earlier in the week, all the sort of, like, the Christian Porter thing had been squared away.

Like, all these other things had been squared away. Scraped off the barnacles, as Abbott used to put it. And just to be so, for it to just explode in his face so amazingly. Because he wouldn't have even, if he held the election then, he wouldn't have even had to go to COP 26. That was the plane. He was, yeah, he wasn't going to go. You've got to duck that fine.

There's a real pattern of whenever Scott Morrison comes up with a grand plan and comes up with a like a strategy, it implodes within about two to three days. He's actually, he's best at just doing nothing and just letting, you know, how good take him through. Whenever it comes up with an actual strategy, it's incredible. Like when he's multiple attempts to solve the bushfires, like the one with bringing in the army fell apart within about an hour because he didn't ring the RFS commissioner. He just is not good at strategy. I think it's just not attention to detail, man.

Like, he just, he sort of got, oh, how good it would it be if we did that? I'm on a podium with Boris and Biden, and that's it, reelect this man. Yeah, exactly. And I think he sort of assumes that all the other details get done. Yeah. Well, I mean, we ended up with a situation where former Prime Ministers were basically ending up doing his job. That was probably my favourite story. When that broke that Kevin Wright had been talking to Pfizer.

Of course he had. Gosh, he's a dweeds, isn't he? I mean, you sort of, we should all be thanking him for all these efforts, right? Is he still just go, oh, come on, mate, it's over. What does he want at this point? Does he want the majority of Australians to say, we regret what happened to you, Kevin? I mean, wouldn't that be great if it turned out of the Kevin? Because after how things went with Grace Tame and how, you know, obviously Scott Morrison, you know,

hands, you know, awards her the Australian of the year. and then, of course, Grace Ham has been a great critic of Scott Morrison. I'd love that Kevin Rudd somehow becomes Australian of the year next year. Is that what he's going for? That's what he's going for. Which brings us to who do you reckon Australian in the year will be next year? Because surely it's got a balance. Surely...

Well, I think we go back to sport. I think they'll get nervous. So I think Dylan Alcott, genuinely, I think Dylan Alcott is in with a very good chance. He'd be very good. But, I mean, don't forget, if you're talking about sporting icons, Alan Jones. The Chaser Report, now with extra whispers. So there you go.

Well, that's Mark Humphreys' rap on 2021, which I think, Mark, congratulations on a far more 2021-ish rap than the one we're out on Friday. Thank you. It is always a pleasure, though. With 90% less Bazelerman this time. And if you haven't heard the Friday one, it's probably one of my favorite afternoon.

since we started doing that. Our gears from road microphones, we're part of the ACAS, creator network, and we'll catch you tomorrow morning. See ya. Bye-bye.