The Chaser Report - Matt Guy Wins!

Episode Date: November 28, 2022

John and Lachlan take a sneak peak into what Victoria would look like if Matt Guy had won the election. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. Fizz is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigle Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. After the Victorian election, I'm John. Dominico and I'm Lachlan Hodson you I'm excited for this Monday and we'll get into the Victorian election a second but I want to try to brand new game show idea I have right now oh okay I'm in

what's the pitch filling the news corp blanks I've got a news corp headline here and I've blanked out two parts and I've got to enter my news corp writer perspective okay okay it's obviously they're offended by something yeah and it's federal government so here we go after dropping five million dollars on a blank no one asked for the federal government has once again gone against expert advice and committed almost two million dollars to a swanky blank in regional New South Wales. If they gave funding to it and it's something that the Liberals love, I'm assuming it's a coal mine. I think you've forgotten the fact that this is the Daily Telegraph and they would not be

against the idea of opening a coal mine. Oh no. So what the actual answer is, after dropping $5 million on a maternity ward, no one asked for, the federal government has once again gone against expert advice and committed almost $2 million. to a swanky cancer ward in regional New South Wales. Knowing this company's history with jokes about that particular type of ward, I'm going to pass to the next headline, John. So the results are in for the Victorian election,

and we know what's happened. It was the result that we all saw coming. Matt Guys won. Woo! Matt Guy! Oh! Matt Guy. John, because obviously this is what has happened,

and we know that this is what was always going to happen. Matt Guy won. My bad. I was under the wrong impression. Yeah, no. No, what do you think now that Matt Guy is the Premier? Since we are both in Sydney, I'm like, eh, it's not going to affect me. Do you know anyone in Victoria, maybe, you can check with?

I mean, I know Milbo, that's the only guy from Victoria. Well, let's see, you should check with... I'll text the voice of Melbourne right now. What are you going to text him? All right, I've just texted him. Hey, mate, what's your thought on Mac Guy's win? Before we get the text from Milbo and his thoughts on it, I thought I'd sort of take a look at some of the new policies of the Matt Guy government.

and really try and understand what Victoria is going to look like for the next, hopefully forever with Matt Guy. Look, I won't lie. Ever since St. Matthew came and saved us, I've really become a bit obsessed with him. I've gone down the Matthew Guy Pline. Guy Pline. Yeah, we'll just move on from that. Let's just move on from that.

I had a look at their policy document. I've got to say, John, it's hotter than a house party at Friendly Jordy's Place. One of the most interesting policies that I found for the Victorian Matt Guy democracy is that he's going to be lowering the aid that you have to be to receive your pea plates. Oh, okay. That makes sense. To 17. Wait, it's not already 17 in Victoria? I know, right? That's what's interesting. So if you're not from Victoria, you've probably assumed that the pea plate age, which is after you've done a year on your ells, is 17. I don't know if other states have this. Does that what they have in Canberra? Well, in Canberra, what it was was you did your

L's for like a year at least, and then there's a test, you know, peas. We didn't have green peas because they're stupid. In Victoria, it's even worse. You've got to wait until you're 18, and Matt Guy, God bless him, wanted to come in and lower that age right to 17. And I suspect it's, you know, it's definitely influenced by Matt Guy's close friend, Tim Smith, the ex-leader of the Liberal Victorian Party. Because as we all know, Tim Smith is a big fan of driving safely.

I mean, obviously they want 17-year-olds driving because unlike people like Tim Smith, they can't buy alcohol before they go drive and they're going to be way less likely to crash into a child's bedroom. Another Matthew Guy fact or another policy of the Matt Guy government, the slogan that he used this election,

we were all familiar with it already. It was a great slogan. The slogan was, we are safe. Unless you're in a child's bedroom because then a Victorian liberal will crash into you. Well, that's the thing. I assume, no, It's not just safe from Victorians, it's also safe from the other big thing in Victoria that we all know.

He said safe from Victorians. Oh yeah, and after this recording, I'm going to have to be safe from Victorians, John. But in Victoria, they know that they're safe from things like African gangs. You've got to watch out for African gangs in Victoria. And since Matt Guy got in, there hasn't been any. You call out a coincidence? No, I won't call out a coincidence. It's a fact.

It's a fact. It's true, much in the same way that there hasn't been for a while. Now, John, though, but I've got to ask, if we're talking about slogans, can you think of any slogan that makes you feel like you're in more immediate danger than the words, we are safe? Well, there is actually, yes, because in the Herald Sun last week, the good slogan? Great slogan that Mackay will, quote, protect the thin blue line.

What does that even mean? That is a Blue Lives Matter slogan that they have reused for comedic purposes as a quippy headline about protecting the literal party. But yeah, the thin blue line refers to this idea that if you stop police from brutalizing black people, they will just lose so much of their power that the entire planet will be overrun by criminals. Well, I'll tell you the thin blue line that it's not referring to, which is the polling thin blue line because there was a lot of votes for the blue. As we all know, Matt Guy won the election, and I will continue this bit for another four and a half minutes. The other big policy of the Matt Party Guy party that I found interesting is his dedication to fixing the budget. He's all about fixing the budget because when you've been in opposition for eight years,

the only thing that you can ever really say that you'll do better is spend a bit less money. And, oh boy, is Matt Guy keen on spending less money? Here is an ad that I actually found that's by the Victorian Labor Party, which highlights the attitude towards cutting pretty well. Matthew Guy here at Matthews Cut Warehouse in Victoria Parliament and Ware Slashing Services. After eight years in opposition, we've got one option left. Cats, cats, cats. And privatisation.

Won't want to miss this. Everything must go. A world-class tape system. Slash. 50,000 jobs on the big bill? Slash! Hospitals, nurses, health systems. Slash cut and boom.

Why I need nurses when you have robots. Beboop, beat, beep. And we're not stopping there. Everything must go. Renewables. Slash, female ministers. We're going to bring the last representation of women since Farlapp was doing laps of Flemington. Ah, waterways.

You like your picturesque views? Well, it's gonna be even better with an oil rig on it. And we've got a team of experts to deliver it. We've got drunks. We've got harassers. We've got only fan subscribers. We've got dodgy dudes and even dodgy a policy. And we've barely.

It only costed a thing. We might even be breaking the Constitution. Have we got slash one prices? No, David, but remember, vote for Matthew Guys, or vote for slash services. Firerail, education, slash, suburban railroad. Slash, Safe School, Zohm. There's no iron team, but there's an iron I and I'm going to cut everything you enjoy about Victoria. There's four eyes in that.

So getting clicked before we cut, slashed and privatised the whole lot. It all has got to go. Authorised by Chris Ford, ALP, 438, Dockland's Drive, Docklands, Victoria, 3-008. There's like two art land. What the fuck? Will Labor sick or something? Like that, is that the first time I've ever...

They were fully sick. Is that the first time they've ever made a decent ad online? John, can I be frank with you? Yeah? Why is that ad more entertaining than this entire podcast? It's so good. When you said you're going to do about cuts,

I've seen a lot of Labor TikToks using this really fucking tux. terrible song they made that is just the word cuts over and over again to the sound of an elephant because that was the only policy of the mac guy party which is now in power weirdly that's also not because the main criticism of mac guy's whole but like he's actual policies is that he's just doing that thing of like we'll spend more on literally everything we'll have more spending on health and more spending on educate and like literally every single thing to the point where any anything's been asked about like well how will you budget that he's

been like, oh, I don't actually care if the ad isn't 100% accurate or not, because it's genuinely really, really entertaining. I stumbled across the ad when I was on TikTok, and I thought that it was going to be something by, like, Dan Illich for her rational fear, or Tony Martin with the, the voices. But it's genuinely just an ad that the Labour Party put on TikTok, and the way that they animated, it's kind of like, Matt Guy is talking as a spoof of how. You know how the South Park animates the Canadian voices? It's like that. It's really, really cute.

And I've got to say, the fact that the people who made it are now out of the job because the Victorian Labor Party lost this election. Like, we've got to hire these guys. That's fantastic. If we're not hiring, we're firing John and I. Based on how every other message from Labor has ever been, I'm going to guess that they have been fired because that was good.

Like during the election, One of the weird things of labour is there are very obvious ways to make fun of the little party. There they talked about the lack of women in Mack guys party. Yeah. Yeah. His last name is guy. Just be like, yeah, the guy

cabinet just sounds like someone took Boys Club and put it into a fucking fessaurus. He's just one of the guys. But instead of going that obvious route, you get shit like sixth month alboversary vote Labor, which is some actual as they ran. But that's what

For me, obviously because you're watching this from Sydney and I've been watching as well. We've missed the actual fact that this election isn't about policy that much because neither party wanted to actually like get into the data. Like this is the first ad, the Liberal Party put out during the election when it was called. One thing to know about Dan Andrews. He's been health minister or premieria for 12 years. They're in the middle of a health crisis but Dan doesn't care. He cut two billion from health.

What a nightmare. They rhyme. That's how he still found $35 billion. To invest in one train, is he insane? Vic has the most set in the country, but he wants to raise it further.

We can't let this occur. It's time to end his career. It's still better than there's a hole in my bucket, dear labor, dear. Yeah, they've done it. But my favorite thing about that was that went viral for all the wrong reasons to the point where they did.

a video defending it later on saying like you're not even thinking about the points they're arguing it was like a real dumb shit but the best part is as a young person I knew what they were doing there which was they were trying to jump on a TikTok trend yes that involves bad rapping but they fucked it up in the wrong way so that means that they they just did a bad rap while fucking up doing a bad rap in a funny way this whole thing about like oh where did the where this toxicity start because you've got Dictator Dan and his army of Twitter who'd like send tweet sometimes. If Dictator Dan had it his way, I'm pretty sure that the entire election would have just

been a Twitter poll. His Twitter army are just up against anti-vaxes and Nazis. They both are as bad as each other, obviously, according to every Sydney newspaper. If I'm going to have a moment of genuine political analysis here, I think that it's incredibly fascinating that what has happened is rather than in the federal election where someone like Clive Palmer utilised the massive angry people at something like a lockdown and vaccination mandates. Instead of it being coming from a left of field party like Clive Palmer, it's coming directly from one of the major parties, the Liberal Party. And I think that it's

that sort of behaviour from someone who's supposed to be as respectable and centred as the Liberal Party that means what's happening is someone like the Greens have as much power as they do. It is like to point out is that Matt guy himself didn't approve, like his office didn't approve any of the Nazi stuff. But essentially it just showed how like weak and scared he is in his party that he was calling in the like so-called progressive liberal party members from around the country to come in and help out. And then in response, there was just like random backbenchers

calling in guys who counter-protested against Black Lives Matter in America and brought guns to that. And it's like, what the fuck is happening in Victoria? There was multiple times where he's just going out, is like, is Victoria okay right now during the election? And then all the responses to Victorian's being like, no, what the fuck is just going on right now? This is all this bullshit. Tinfoil hats off to Victoria. I think that's enough actual analysis, John.

Let's go to someone who is from Victoria and does have it. Has Dave Milbo texted us back? Yeah, so I texted Milbo about Matt Guy winning and he said, guys, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, Dean Andrews won. and he was always going to win not because he's a dictator and there's no viable alternative but because people like him bracket and there is also no viable alternative bracket

stop reading the fucking Daily Telegraph oh no oh John I think I see what happened here I got too distracted by your blanking out of the Herald Sun that when you said blank won the election I assumed it was Matt Guy Ah Our gear is from

Roe Microphones I'm part of the A-Cast Crater Network MacGye Forever I've already forgotten who he is Who? Thank you for your patience Your call is important Toot-Wat-W-T-W-T-W-T-W

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