The Chaser Report - May I take your order (of Australia)?

Episode Date: June 11, 2020

Have you been drinking too much under lockdown? Not doing enough exercise? Charles shares legitimate and in no way dodgy medical advice on how to have a perfect body even while having a debauched lifestyle. Meanwhile, Dom runs us through all the most undeserving Queen Birthday Honours winners this year, and Andrew takes a look at some very classy celebrity isolation videos. All that plus the latest Chaser headlines you can’t trust from Rebecca De Unamuno. 
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In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to another episode of The Chaser Report. All the news you can't trust. I'm Charles Firth, and joining me today are Andrew Hanson and Dom Knight. And guys, New Zealand is coronavirus-free.

What do you think? Well, this doesn't surprise. I've been to New Zealand, and I only saw three people during the entire six-week holiday ahead there. So to me, I don't think it's much of an achievement, to be honest. So did you go during lockdown or something? No, no, that was just how New Zealand is. Oh, this is normal, New Zealand, right?

Yeah, yeah. I don't know how they were in lockdown. I mean, it's been really many, many years preparing. for this. They first up, they said a country in the middle of nowhere, had no people in it, made themselves entirely insignificant. I mean, all for this. It's the long game and they've played it very well.

Well, it's tough, you know. And I mean, it's also quite tricky to be in lockdown in New Zealand because you've got to be in a hobbit hole for two weeks, which is quite, it drives you mad. Everything's round. Yeah, start thinking that your gold ring is some sort of magical super-powered thing. You can go quite nuts in those situations. Coming up on the episode, Andrew Hansen's going to run us through some more celebrity isolation videos and Dom is going to run us through all the Order of Australia medals, including some of the more obscure ones.

But first, let's check in with Rebecca Day and a minnow for the latest chase of news headlines. Facing massive budget cuts, the ABC has decided to rebrand itself as a rowing club in a safe Liberal Party seat. The ABC will now be known as the Mossman Rowing Club. expected to receive an extra billion dollars in funding later today. A man who has repeatedly claimed that All Lives Matter, in response to the Black Lives Matter protests, has never once given a shit about another human being. The man admitted he was the same man who was willing to sacrifice his grandparents a couple of months ago for the sake of the economy.

Gone with the Wind has been removed from HBO's video streaming platform. Experts initially assumed it was because of the film's whitewashing of slavery. However, HBO later clarified it's actually been. because Gone with the Wind is a very long and tedious film that nobody likes anyway. That's The Chaser Report headlines, news you can't trust. Thanks, Beck. Hey, Beck, did you win an order of Australian medal this week?

No, unfortunately, I'm not a former Liberal Party politician or major donor to the Liberal Party. Yes, I missed out. Ah, that's a pity. Well, maybe next to you. The Chaser Report, less news, less often. Now Charles and Andrew, of course, her majesty gave us the day off on Monday. The Queen's birthday public holiday, another day where they delivered a whole bunch of gongs,

the Order of Australia, handed out to lots of eminent people, supposedly in our community. Supposedly, it's for Australians who've demonstrated outstanding service or exceptional achievement. And I thought we might look at some of those who were honoured this year and just see how exceptional we thought they were and how outstanding we thought they were. We're better to start than, as we must now call him, Anthony John Abbott AC, who was awarded for eminent service to the people in Parliament, but particularly for his contributions to trade, border control and the Indigenous community. How deserving do you think Tony Abbott was of that very, very special recognition?

Well, look, I think he was very deserving of doing the things that he was supposed to do when contracted to do his job. That was great. In fact, anyone who did their job this morning should be given an OAM under the same logic. This is fantastic. Although, didn't he strip $500 million from the Indigenous Affairs budget while he was Indigenous Affairs Minister? Well, that's a service, isn't it?

I mean, it's a type of service. Let me pose the question in a different way. What do you mean, when you look back on Tony Abbott's career, have they nominated him for the right things? Surely there are some bigger highlights. Well, services to aming and aring. I think it could have been a good. good one.

Yeah, pauses. He did a lot for pauses. It did a lot for long pauses, actually. Yes, he lengthened the pauses. I mean, before, in the pre-Abert era, pauses in conversation were very short in Australia, and he really taught us how to really make a long, awkward pause. I would nominate him for services to sex.

Really? Because he's very good at fucking things. Everything he touched, he really fucked. It's the onion breath, though, that would be an issue, I think. It's a problem. He's surely done a lot for our onion industry. I mean, no one looked at an onion before Tony Abbott and thought, there's a snack.

Now we down them like apples. They should offer them. They should offer them. You know how kids have the fruit basket when you walk into the supermarket? They get a little free thing of fruit. I'm always, I don't understand why they don't include raw onions there. My daughter loves nothing more than munching on a raw onion. Then, look, it is feeling a little bit like the old Liberals Club this year.

Bronwyn Kathleen Bishop A.O. Distinguished service, apparently, to the Parliament of Australia. What do you think of Brombe Bishop's highlights during her very long career? Longest ever woman in Parliament, I think. She was the one who got that helicopter, didn't she? She got into trouble, she had a $56,000 helicopter flight somewhere. You know, supporting the helicopter industry. It's a very important industry, Charles.

Yes, and she did a lot for women in politics in helicopters, didn't she? She did. She made them, you know, she raised them up high off the ground. Something to aspire to. She probably broke the glass ceiling. She broke the glass ceiling with her helicopter. And it's quite extraordinary who they've honoured. So the Honourable Philip Maxwell Ruddock, A.O., I love this.

He got it for Distinguished Service to the People in Parliament of Australia and to local government because after leaving federal parliament, he became the mayor of Hornsby, the most boring suburb in Sydney. Two jobs. This is great. He's getting recognised for doing two jobs. I mean, like anybody else with two jobs should be. That's great.

Look, he had to wait, though. Often you do have to wait around for these awards. I mean, I can't believe he had to wait until the age of 912 to collect this. It does make you understand, though, why he was so fond of locking people up. You remember he put all those refugees in detention? Because that's what Hornsby, but if you've ever been to Hornsby, it's just like being in jail. So, sort of similar vibe. Now, when I say it's the old Liberals Club, it's not entirely true.

There's one Graham Frederick Richardson A.O. Who was given it for his service to the people in Parliament, Australia, but also to the media as a political commentator. So if you are a Labour person on Sky News, you could also get in order of Australia this year. What were which shows achievements over the years? What did he actually, whatever it takes was his whole thing. I don't know if we can, we can't really say them without being sued for libel. And also being kneecapped in the middle of the night.

Let's be quite clear, there's Ritcho here. I wouldn't want my house to be burnt down, although if it was, I'd probably collect on the insurance. Actually, I heard the way Ritcho celebrated his medal is he actually had a huge fireworks display at a printing factory in Marrickville. It's amazing. Look, I can't believe his services to Swiss banks.

It wasn't recognised as well. But the good news is you can get them for doing anything because I found some very special recipients. Chris Lloyd got it for significant service. The artisan cheesemaking industry. Oh, good on him. I actually don't mind the bit of artisan cheese. I didn't know you could win a medal for it.

You can. You can. What sort of cheeses are we talking here? What does he make? I don't know. Camam bears. He probably makes, you know, television for Channel 9, like reality television for Channel 9.

That's the cheesiest thing. Big Brother. I hope Big Brother's got one of these. But you can get it for powerlifting, Donald Sherwood Dewers. Oh, I am. Oh, that's Bronny. Bronny Bishop's one as well, the power lifting off the ground.

Bruce John Raymond got one for services to music, particularly brass bands. Particularly. Yeah, well, good, good on these people. I mean, you know, we need more brass bands in Australia, I say. There's just not enough brass bands on street corners. We need a brass band lead recovery. Let's face it. You know, let's put him in charge.

That's what it should be, yeah. Yes. Forget the shovels, you know. We should, $25,000 should be given, I reckon, to anyone who wants to install a brass band in their home. Yeah, yeah, that's a very good idea. There is a problem with the Order of Australia. There's just a little thing. They tend to go to dodgy people, and I really hope that none of those honoured this year, I end up having to give them back.

Because if you look at those who are giving them back, you might think that the Order of Australia is actually not as great an honour as it meant to be. So, Alan Bondy. Bondy, had an order of Australia. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Mind you, he probably stole his. from mum and dad investors. Eddie O'B got one for services to ethnic...

Eddie O'B got one. Yeah, specifically his own ethnic welfare he got wanted for. Richo's mates have already got one. That's why Richo got one, because all these mates have already got one. He probably just got the one that Eddie O'B handed back. And look, the telly put out a list of all the AOs that have been handed back over the year. I'm going to put it out there. There's a lot of petos as well.

There's a lot of pedophiles. Are they really? We've had to give theirs back. With AOs. Do they hand these medals around in prison, like cigarettes? Is this something you just trade your order of Australia? They're not very good as a currency because there's too many of them, so they're not nearly as valuable as a cigarette. What are they shaped?

Are they sort of spoon-shaped so you could dig a tunnel out like Shawshank Redemption? Well, they are. They've got a little sharp pin on them, so you could ship someone with an order of Australia if you had to, I reckon. finally in unrelated information George Pell has an AC the top honour and he's going to keep it because there's nothing more honourable than the Order of Australia.

The Chaser Report News you can't trust. This week's Chaser Report is brought to you by the second-hand statues warehouse. Dom, have you always wanted a statue of a racist slave-opening misogynist for your garden? Of course I have, but I've never known where to get one before now.

Yeah, yeah. And racist statues are so expensive. Well, not anymore. Statue's warehouse has a whole new range of second-hand stock that's just arrived, everything from slavers to Confederate generals to disgraced genocidal kings. Oh, last my garden can have that all-lives matter look I've been wanting. But getting quick before the Australian government buys the lot and installs them in front of Parliament House. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chase of Report. Okay, well, look, the celebrities, industries may have been.

smashed, but the celebrities have not stopped delivering Charles and Dommy. That's right. They're still making videos from their palatial homes and keeping us feeling good. So that's why it's time now for another game of... Isolibriety!

Now, as you know, of course Dom and Charles, the aim of the game is that you have to guess which celebrity is talking in the isolation video that I'm going to play for you. Now, let's just kick off with just a quick reminder of the purpose of these videos from Keith Richards, one of last week's

I celebrities. Thanks, Mike. Say Steve. That's right. We have to remember. It's all about saying staf. So we're going to kick off with two other musicians. Now, these two have been isolating together because they're father and daughter. There's a little clue for you. And here's Dad, who is spruiking their live-streamed ISO concert. And the person that you can hear correcting his old man mistake, is the daughter. Take a listen.

Now we'll be going live in support of the World Health Organization and global citizens for hash together at home. Hashtag together. Sharp. Charles, can you at least guess who the man is? Who's the dead? British. That's really hard.

I want to say, what was, yeah, that is hard. I want you to say, Jesper Carrot. Is it Jessica Carrot? It is incorrect. It is not Jasper Carrot and his daughter, Jasper Broccoli. Yeah, because his daughter was in the office. Yeah, that's right. I was thinking when you said father and daughter,

I immediately thought Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus, but unless Billy Ray is putting on a terrible British accent, it's not them. Who else in the UK has a daughter who, it's not Paul McCartney and Stella? I don't know who it is. I'm stumped. Stumped! Is it Prince Andrew? He's got a daughter.

he's not allowed around children yeah no incorrect it is not prince the famous musician and his musician daughter is not Prince Andrew good guess so good I'm sure you were close well look I'll give you more of a more of a clue maybe if you hear them sing

particularly the dad like the clues I think the dad's probably slightly better known maybe daughter's sitting at the piano in this clip playing and she's singing as well and the dad's providing the answer vocals at this beautiful, enormous grand piano that's festooned with spectacular flowers and family portraits. Take a listen.

Come on. All right. Swing low. Sweet low. Sweet. Hold on one more down. That's good. She's not the best thing.

He's a coming for to carry me home. Carry me home. Sweet love. Swing alone. Sweet chariote. Come in for to carry me home. He's got a good voice, isn't he? Well, he's a rock star.

Of course he's got a good voice, so he's a famous singer. Oh, he's a rock star. maybe not rock but you know maybe sort of crooner or something is it allard jones is it joe cocker is it joe cocker no not quite strained enough for joe cocker yeah fair enough yeah and that's the other question is he did um well who knows now no look i'm going to have to count both of you out here you you haven't guessed that it was rod and ruby stewart oh of course it's bloody rod stewart yeah i knew i didn't like it I just couldn't like that exactly why.

There you go. All right. That was ISO video number one. Let's do another. Let's do another. Domi and Charles. We're going to move now into the world of actors and actresses. We love their ISO videos, of course, because there they are unscripted for the first time.

Now, this legendary British actress had this very wholesome message to say on her recent ISO video. Today is International Nurses Day. Now, I work for L'Oreal, and maybe some of you know they have the famous phrase, because you're worth it. Well, today of all days, we could say with our hands on our hearts, truthfully and sincerely, to the nurses, you are worth it. It's a good time saver. You can gee up the nurses and advertise a multinational makeup brand at the same time if you're a celebrity. Good money for that.

I hope she did. She probably got paid millions for this. Charles, who's the actress? Well, it's got to be Helen Mirram. Oh, you are correct. Charles, how do you know your L'Oreal brand ambassador so well? Well, it's just, you know, I tried to think of a wrinkle-free actress and Helen Miram sprang to mind.

You see, the youngest British actress you know, Charles. Yes, exactly, yeah. The only one, yeah. Well, she is amazingly wrinkle. I mean, they last quite well, British. actresses, don't they? They sort of look like they're 20, even when they're 104. That's because everyone in Britain's pickled in gin all the time. It's the same as the Queen. She looks very youthful for her mid-90s. And there's no risk of sunburn.

No, well, that's right. It's true. Do you think the Queen's sponsored by L'Oreal as well, maybe? She's definitely worth it. She's what I've heard. She's worth it. Well, let's hear some more from Helen Mirren. I think we should because this time she's encouraging, and this is a good thing, She's encouraging the nurses to ask for a pay rise. Thank you so much for everything you've done, for your courage, for everything you will be doing in the future. And in the future, when you come to negotiate your pay rises, you can say altogether very loudly because we're worth it.

Isn't that lovely? That's amazingly tacky, particularly for Helen Mirren, who's the classiest woman in the world. I mean, she should have just said, ask for more. pay so you can afford L'Oreal. They're going to need a pay rise, aren't they, Domi? If they're going to afford Loria. Well, look, I mean, you say, look, perhaps it wasn't the ideal thing to post

because I had a look at the comments. I know you never meant to. But I checked the comments under Helen Mirren's Insta. And the first comment I saw beneath this post was, said this. I saw you at the airport and asked for a photo, but you know, declined, which I totally understand. But the next time I see you, I will say, please can I have a photo with you just because I am worth it? And I am proud to be working as a nurse for the NHS. Slightly awkward. Give her free moisturiser, that woman. Look, I hope you've

enjoyed this edition of Our Celebrity. And just before we go, before we go, I would like to share this new video that Helen Mirren posted just this morning with an updated message for the nurses. And in the future when you come to negotiate your pay rate rises, you can say all together very loudly. Safe faith. The Chaser report, news a few days after it happens. Guys, legally, I'm not allowed to give you medical advice, apparently, on this podcast. But I do, I've actually got some medical advice for everyone. And the good thing is, it's completely true. So this is medical advice you can actually take, and lawyers won't have to worry about it.

So I want to tell you about a blood test that I got done. I got the results yesterday. And I'll just give you some context to this blood test right before I tell you what the results were. So I decided to get fit a few years ago. Do you remember? I was a little bit overweight, you know, it's any of my 40s. I remember well.

Yeah. It hasn't changed, has it? What? My fitness. Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's no apparent. difference now. Well, there was a few weeks there, Andrew Hanson, that I actually did start to get, you know,

I started training and things like that. I really did. And then literally about week three of my new fitness regime, this was a few years ago, I started pissing quite a large quantity of blood for several days, right? Oh. I just kept pissing blood, right? That's not a good sign where you started the gym. Well, yeah.

So I went to the doctor. This is honestly true. They did a few tests, including a bud tears. They actually went. Just pissing this cup. They went, no, no, no. Nothing to worry about. It's just your kidneys.

Right. It's just your kidney. It's very normal. Nothing to worry. When you haven't done exercise for many, many decades, and then you start doing exercise, apparently your kidneys just start shedding all the blood, like all the old blood that's accumulating.

and you just start pissing blood and they said it's completely healthy you had dero blood yeah it was like blood that accumulated from the 30 years of me not moving my body at all doctors having you on you just didn't want to tell you you're dying didn't want that difficult conversation that anyway so that was all good but then we agreed that I would then go back for a blood test every year since then to just make sure that I'm not dying whatever anyway get back the blood test And, like, this is, again, a couple of years ago. Like, she did a holiday test, got back the blood test. And she said, look, actually, there is one thing.

It's not the pissing the blood doesn't matter. But actually, your liver is showing signs of wear and tear already. Like, you're 40 years old, but you've got the liver of a 70-year-old. It could be your lack of exercise or it could be your drinking too much. You know, who knows? Why not both? Yeah, yeah. Why not both?

So that scared me into action. I did get a bit fitter for a while. These things don't last long, do they? Pissing blood and having the liver of a man twice your age that causes only like two weeks' worth of exercise. Yeah, exactly. But then, so then I broke my arm. So I was getting fitted.

Then I broke my arm and it was like, nah, fuck this. I'm never going to exercise again. Like, you know. Break your arm coming off a bike drunk is the way. I remember it. Anyway. And then. That's right.

While drunk, after receiving the news about your liver. though, you got really drunk and hopped on a bike. Like, it's good to get fit, but you're not meant to keep drinking while doing it. That is so true. That's what I was doing. That's what I understand from my pastoral trader. Had a couple of beers and got on my bike.

Anyway, point is, so I have sort of not been very fit the last few months, especially the last few months. So, you know, with lockdown and everything like that, I don't know about you, but I have been, you know, no exercise and, you know, drinking, you know, at least one bender per day. And just the one. And the only change, the only change that I have maintained through the last three or four years since I was told that I had the liver of a seven-year-old was, was that I, was that I, so unhealthy. It was that I now eat musely for breakfast.

Oh. Because the doctor said that will help. That's what seven-year-olds do. Good for your cholesterol. So yesterday, my latest blood test came back, right? I've got a chart of all the blood tests over the years, right? Came back. Everything is now normal.

I am basically, my body is a temple. I am not going to die anymore. I'm eating muslin. And the doctor. And the doctor, as you said, like, it didn't know that that's what the one change that I made. He said, whatever you've been doing, just keep going with that. Just keep doing what you're doing because, you know, or everything's just in the right, you know, like you are now a prime specimen of human being.

So my point is that my medical advice to everyone is all you have to do is just eat musely every morning. That's literally all you have to do. And everything's solved. I just wonder, Charles, if our doctors have been lying to us. And I wonder if what happens is, if you spend your life doing nothing and drinking, you know, most people are very unhealthy and they die and they get heart failure and all this kind of stuff. But maybe if you keep doing nothing and drinking with such dedication for many years, you push through to an upper echelon that's usually only available to the royal family,

where you just your indolence and your drinking get to the point where you actually live forever. I mean, you are the near Prince Philip. I think I am. Yes. Sort of Scientology of booze. Yes. You're talking here, Tommy. But you're forgetting the Musley.

I mean, you know, I think that's the answer, isn't it? I mean, why hasn't Trump suggested Musley as a cure for coronavirus? Because it's clearly fixed us everything, doesn't it, Charles? Mind you, it could be the gin that I put on the Musley. That's actually the solution. None of the medical advice contained in the child. Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report.

Guys, I've been thinking about sprucing up my front yard. I kind of want to spruce it up with a statue of someone. I was thinking, like ideally a famous explorer or someone like that, someone who caused a huge amount of death and suffering. Andrew, you're in luck. Secondhand Statues Warehouse has just received a new shipment of statues and it includes a statue of Christopher Columbus. Oh, well, he'd be perfect.

I've always been wanting a statue of a man who gave smallpox infected blankets to Native Americans in my front yard? Yes, it is, it's perfect. Let your neighbours know you're a racist dick and pick up a horrible statue today at second-hand statues warehouse. The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers.

Anyway, guys, that's the end of the show. Wait a minute. We've got a breaking news headline from Rebecca Day in a minute. What are the chances? Unprecedented. The Liberal Party has denied claims it has politicised the Queen's Birthday Awards,

pointing out Richard D. Natali also received an award for his services to starting all the bushfires. Back to you. Thanks, Vic. Now, check us out online at chaser.com.com.com. Find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and TikTok. We've just tick-tocked over 2 million video views on TikTok. Search for the Chaser Report on your podcast app. And remember to hit subscribe.

We're doing a couple of midweek update episodes on Mondays and Wednesdays now. Thanks to our producer, Mike Liberali. And we're going to leave you with this new and very timely podcast. Guided meditation is not for everyone. That's why we're launching our new podcast, guided worrying, the podcast that takes you on a nightly journey of fretting and neurosis. Imagine a fence. Now focus on the gate.

Concentrate on what it looks like. Now ask yourself, did you close the gate? Are you sure you close the gate? What if the dogs escape? What if they get run over? Your partner will never forgive you. Lose sleep over even the smallest things.

Now think about your keys. Where did you leave the mast? Are you sure they're there? And where's your wallet? Perhaps you should go and check. Catastrophies as you listen. As you breathe in, fill the air, struggle to get to your throat. fill the tightness in your chest.

Do you think that might be a symptom of coronavirus? Surely you've got coronavirus. That means you've probably given it to everyone you saw today, as well as malaria. This is a disaster. Download guided worrying now. Actually, where is your phone? Did you leave it in the cafe?

Perhaps it's been stolen and someone will empty out your life savings from your online banking. And then you'll never be able to afford the malaria treatment. Thank you.