The Chaser Report - Melbourne Goes Out Of Line

Episode Date: September 21, 2026

As a 51st-Firthday indulgence for Charles, Dom presents the birthday boy with his most favourite thing ever: a segment about cocaine. Plus, a rant about how boring healthy people are. ---Listen AD-FREE: https://thechaserreport.supercast.com/ Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] CEO’s Super-yacht upgrade Fund: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, above all, the Chaser Report is here to bring people the news without fear, without favour, without excessive analysis from you and me in the way. Yes, I hate analysis. Too often expertise gets in the way of other podcasts, really. I just like it and I think I'm going to get to. of you a snap news story you've never read before and which I've only opened about a minute ago.

When I read the headline in The Herald Sun from Mark Butler and Gerald Lynch, I knew you'd want to talk about it. Okay. Yeah, well, let's hear about it straight after this. Okay, what is it? The news from the Harold Sun. Melbourne records massive surge in cocaine use, Charles. As police warn of, inverted commas, normalisation in social circles.

This is what's going on Melbourne. And the subtext here, from parent get-togethers to corporate boardrooms, cocaine use has become so normalized in Melbourne that police warn the $1.3 billion market is still growing. So thank you to Mark Butler and Gerald Lynch of the Herald Sun. The headline in The Hun is Coke City exclusive. School mums, bigwigs have 1.3 billion, fuel 1.3 billion cocaine boom. It is true. There's so many times that I've gone down to Melbourne and you'll go and catch up with some parents,

you know, like day in the park. P&C. You know, P and C style. That's a C sense for cocaine. Yeah. Parents and cocaine. Oh my goodness. And it's just snort city, basically.

Oh my gosh. What's going on? Yeah. And then it becomes the thing about my kid's the best. No, my kid's the best. No, my kids the best. Oh. Look, it's very intense.

Charles, there's so many angles on this we could get to. The implications for Sydney. This is like when Sydney lost its state is the biggest city in Australia for a year or something like that to Melbourne. We'll get on to that. We'll get onto the impact for Bondi. But let's unpack what's going on here.

It's surged six-fold, police say, in the past decade. I presume that's mainly because the police have got better at dealing coke. The reason they know the figures is because they're the main dealers of it, aren't they? I don't know. But you know how they've figured it out. It's one of my favourite way. that they get data. Oh, is it the testing the surge?

It's the wastewater. I love the wastewater. So people are basically, wheeing out cocaine. Melbourne's on a bit of a tear at the moment because everyone's just amped up. So back in 2016 when they first started looking, it was 200 milligrams per thousand people.

It is now 1,200 milligrams per thousand people. I mean, look, there could be other factors. Maybe they've invented sort of smart cocaine that lingers in the wee. Well, you know, that sort of time release, when you get a medication. Yeah, you can get a slow release. You get a slow release version. Maybe they've worked out slow release at least cocaine.

Well, maybe it's faster release so that you need more. I don't know what's going on. But, I mean, that is, there's something serious going on. That's big, six, four. Like, so, like, who is it? Like, what's the, because, I mean, I thought Melbourne was just all Bohemians and. I thought it was just coffee.

Yeah. I also thought that all the, the, and I thought the mobsersers had all killed one another in Melbourne through the whole thus clearing the way for the police to safely deal cocaine. But then I also know quite concerningly that the tobacconist wars down there have you heard the firebombings that are going on in it? This is your Melbourne episode

by the way Melbourne. We're doing an annual acknowledgement of you. And so that's that is going on. So where do you get the Coke in Melbourne? I know what it is. It's all the public fucking holidays that they have. They've even got one this week. You know that on Friday they're not Oh, the grand final day? Yeah.

So what are you meant to do? If you don't have tickets to the grand final, yeah, you got to go. What are you going to do all day? Get on the bags. Get on the bags. Yeah, probably likely. So interestingly enough, okay, here's some facts for your choice.

How can they afford? This is the thing that I don't understand is how does anyone afford to take cocaine regularly? Like, you'd have to either be a property investor or evade tax. And not even a property investor anymore could afford cocaine. Well, yes. And this is the other thing that they've said here is that, um, With a bit of a, I don't know if there's a little bit of a pat on the shoulder for themselves, but they're saying that it has amongst the world's highest prices for cocaine.

It's $400 a gram, apparently. And the wholesale price has dropped from 400 grand per kilogram to about 100,000 to 100,000. Who are the wholesalers? What's going on? Oh, well, you know, that's sort of like, that's... It's Costco. Yeah, it's just sort of cost co. Cost Coke.

Yeah, it's sort of, it's that sort of, it's that sort of, middle tier. It's like, you know, Campbell's Cash and Carrey. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cost Coke. Yeah, yeah. Do you reckon Aldi sells a sort of slightly worse? A European version?

Yeah. Well, they would bring the price down, wouldn't it? What would the brand be? Codain. Part codeine. It's cocaine cut with codane. Yeah. Yeah, they might do.

But it's just as good. It had come from Europe. Yeah. But the idea, okay, so a couple of things here. Yeah, apparently there's abundant supply. Isn't that weird? Transnational syndicates have been bringing in huge consignments on container ships or trying to. The amount of cocaine used in Victoria, two tons per year now.

See, this is surprising because one of the inputs into the production of cocaine is fossil fuel. It's petrol, right? Oh, is it really? What you do is you crush up the cocoa leaves and then you put it in petrol. Do you really? And then you stir it up and it creates this frothy thing. And that's what you then scrape off and you dry it out and that's the powder. So you're telling me that the carbon footprint of this stuff is not very good.

Oh, it's not very good. No. It's being shipped in. If you want to, I mean, what we need, what Melbourne needs is renewable cocaine. Generated by windmills. Yeah. Okay. So there's carbon problems.

There's carbon problems, but also the price of petrol is he soaring. I don't understand how... Oh, that's where the price is coming from. It's from petrol. Yes. That's what it is. That's what's doing it. Okay.

So at the same time, other consumption has gone... Hasn't gone up. Like heroin, stable, meth, stable, MDMA stable. Right. And they're saying the concern is here. And this is the crime commission specialist. stats on kombucha. Well, this is the thing that's interesting.

It is, it's been normalized in TV shows, it says here. And that sort of thing. Yes, because, you know, I was a lifestyle. I was watching, what's that show on Channel 9 at 530, the one with the... Oh, deal or no deal. Actually, deal or no deal, what's in the briefcase? That's right. I don't even want to make any, and that was not a joke about the person who needs to host

that show by the way, which is another point. But also, like, Mastermind? I mean, you watch Mastermind and Mark Vanil, clearly between questions, is just going like that. You can just see. That's incredibly defamatory. It's funny because it's not true. That's the thing.

Mark would never. And, I mean, but also, I mean, on the radio, Fran Kelly, on the Radio National Hour, you could just get the sense that she's coked off. Oh, you think the television, they're the ones who are glamorizing it. Yes. Oh, it's all the ABC celebrities. Well, maybe. I mean, maybe the issue with Sydney is that a lot of celebrities have fallen off the, I mean,

a lot of celebrities without naming names, but there are some people who have lost some pretty big jobs in this town in recent times, and maybe they're not able to keep up the same levels. And I think also, the other problem with Sydney at the moment, I was down at Bondi today, and there's a whole wellness thing going on. Oh, no, and offered you. Oh, that's what's going. It's wellness. Everyone believes in healthy living and good lifestyle.

They're all getting up at 630 for Run Club, aren't they? And they're all just doing run. run club rather than cocaine. Did you know that in Bondi this, I think this is regular. They have like 6am raves at day spas. It's like silent. No, it's completely like you get up and listen to dance music and have a plunge and stuff. It's very healthy.

Well, that's what that's why I was down there, don't. That's right. For the 6 a.m. raves slash. It's something that apparently has really taken off. I mean, I'm thinking of moving to Bondi. I just can't afford it. So you know that the. Water temperature in Sydney beaches at the moment is 18.3.

Is it really? Yes, which is season of, like, that's much higher than normal. And what it means is this season is going to be bull shark season. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, that'll even out the numbers of the wellness influences a bit. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. There's a thing called Morning Soul Club, Charles, which I'm sure you know about it.

I am. Apparently, it's six a year. there's wellness vibe, social sunrise dips. And they have sober raves at 6am in Bondi. That's what they do. Yeah. See, this is the real problem. Yeah.

Whereas you wouldn't do that down in Melbourne, would you? Everyone would freeze to death? It's so cold. Yeah, yeah, that's what it is. So, I mean... On the shores of St. Kilda. Oh my gosh, it sounds dreadful. Yeah, okay.

So I'm really torn by this because I mean, wellness, I think wellness would be a really good idea. wellness would be Are you talking just personally? For me? But it's just so lame It's not addictive But also I swim against fashions

As a lifetime abstainer From all these sorts of things Maybe it's time for me to get on board No but wellness It's just so annoying Like how do you reconcile the fact That getting up early And doing exercise

And not drinking very much Well clearly good for you It's just I don't know It makes you dull It's just so boring But I think the problem is that they were dulled before. So it doesn't actually change it at all. They were just coked up, Bondi.

Oh, so they flipped the switch from one form and being incredibly annoying to another. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just... Don't worry, it won't last. Actually, it's true that, like, the times when I found myself in a social context with people who have been using that particular substance. Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

Yes. Being the only sober person in a room with people on that stuff. It's very boring. It is so annoying. It is so boring. Because everyone thinks that they're very, very, you know, smart and good-looking. The agro, the agro is quite real. Like, I don't know why you would want to take, to spend all that money,

to take a substance to turn you into basically like a merchant banker. Like that's like one of those, or a car salesman or something. That's the level of agro. So what, I kind of feel like that's fine. I think we can let the mantle of who are the biggest Coke bingers. Go to Melbourne. They can have that one. We get our wellness.

We get all really fit-looking people, which is great. And then we defeat them. And then we defeat them. Yeah. He's surge down there. We basically, we schedule the invasion of Melbourne for 6 a.m. on a Monday morning. They're all groggy.

The streets will be empty. It'll be an easy takeover. Although they'll just have a bump and, you know. Oh, yeah. Actually, that's quite a problem. I think we've underscored. This episode is mainly underscored just how little we know about drugs. Yeah, I mean, but I really feel out of it.

So you can tell us more about what's going on. A lot of it's on the encrypted, encrypted apps too. They're using the encrypted apps for the deals. I want the ayahuasca craze to sweep Australia. Do you know about Iowaska? Yeah, I've had one of my, someone I know talked my head off about it about 15 years ago about how amazing it was for creativity and all this stuff. I can't back it up at all, but he reckoned it was amazing.

Yes, but part of the process is you vomit. You vomit quite violently. Oh, I see. You haven't. He didn't mention that bit of it. And then you purge your body. Is that how all the creativity comes in? I think so.

Because this guy's a miso who was basically saying, you know, I never made better music than... Oh, really? My impression, to be honest, Charles, is the main side effect of taking ayahuasca. He's a talk about it. Incredibly annoying and he's such a bunch. And to the point where you're basically walking advertisement for not taking ayahuasca. I feel like that would suit Melbourneians, wouldn't it, to have an Iowaska pay.

Well, it probably would be certainly more affordable. Yeah. Than the current situation. There's no way to the stats, by the way, on Iowaska consumption. So it's not Gold Coast. Like, because you would think Gold Coast would be higher cocaine consumption than Melbourne. Well, I don't know. I've seen the stats.

So there you go. So Melbourne, look, may not be the bit largest city in Australia anymore. Yeah. But you are the biggest, the coat capital. Well, I just hope that they, when they're counting up all the carbon wastage consumption that Victoria has, that they include that. You know what they should do? They should sell it with offsets. Oh, that's a good idea.

So instead of paying $400 a gram, you pay $440 a gram. And they feel good about it. Perhaps an ayahuasca bush. Is that where it comes from? I don't know. And also, because also there's the murder. Like, isn't the whole supply chain rife with slavery and murder? Yes, that's right.

So you'd probably also have an offset of that. Yeah, I don't quite have it. I don't know how you'd morally offset something. Okay, so apparently up in the Gold Coast it's gone up as well. But meth is. Oh, that's their drug. Of course it is. Yes.

Because they've got to build everything for the Olympics. They're in a rush. They don't have time for cocaine. We're getting stuff built. Yeah. Bob the builders pulling long hours. Let's just say that. All right.

The Chase's report endorsing. endorses the use of no chemical substances other than podcasts. Excessive use of podcasts will actually write your brain. I think it is true, though, that it's very hypocritical of us to be accusing other people of being boring on cocaine. Yeah, that's actually, that's, you know, droning on and on. Don't you feel like an idiot of having listened to this far?

Thank you for doing so, though. Yeah.