The Chaser Report - Melbourne International Covidy Festival

Episode Date: July 2, 2020

This week Andrew reports from inside his locked-down Melbourne postcode, Charles discovers the world's dumbest smart socks and Dom explores Florida's fabulous anti-masker movement - plus Rebecca De Unamuno with the latest Chaser Underwater Outer Space headlines. 
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In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to the Chaser Report. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another amazing episode of the Chaser's highest rating podcast in the world. It's the Chaser's highest rating podcast in the world. Guys, what do we think about that? Are you sure those stats are correct?

What do you mean? Yes. Some of the ones from last year did pretty well. I think Australia vetting's still got a long tail. Okay, well then welcome to Australia's the Chaser's second highest rating podcast in the world. There you go. Yeah, I thought so.

Because I thought there were at least four or five other Chaser podcasts out there that were much more popular than this one, Charles. Okay, well, welcome to the sixth, the Chaser's sixth most popular world. podcast in the world. Anyway, I'm Charles Firth, joining me today. Dom Knight and Andrew Hansen. The big news of the week, Australia is getting a $270 billion missile system. Guys, we're getting our own missiles. Andrew. Who should we kill first? Who should we kill first? Well, I think the person who decided that we needed the missiles. He should be the first to go. Against the wall. I think so. Against

of all 200. How many missiles do you buy for $270 billion? Like two? I mean, they're quite expensive, aren't they? No, no, but I think these ones are going to be made in Australia. That's what they did. Oh, it's only, I'd only be half a missile. It won't work. It'll be an FJ missile. They'll be, they'll be able to, they won't be able to turn right. Wasn't that the problem with the Collins? It could only turn left. Well, actually, the government won't mind missiles that can only sort of target things on the left. Yeah, yeah. It does mean that they'll only hit New Zealand, though, doesn't it? Which is not all the day.

That was my nomination, actually. I really feel they're getting very upbeat over there with their likable Prime Minister and their competence. And they've even got, you know what we should really do? They've got another Lord of the Rings filming. It's got to be stopped. Had they run out? What have they done?

Are they exhumed Tolkien from his grave to write another book? I mean, they've done all the books. No, they're calling it Lord of the Rings, but it's actually the really boring earlier stuff that no one has ever read it. interested in. So we're going to stop it. Yeah. Say where you are, New Zealand. We're bringing the missiles over.

I think we'd get the UN support for that as well. I think everyone hates New Zealand at the moment. So, you know, I think that's a good one. Coming up on the show, Andrew, you're one of the unfortunates who are now in lockdown in Melbourne. So we're going to get you to tell us what it's like to be a member of the Sullyd. Plus, lots of social change going on under COVID. But Dom is looking at a very important, very intelligent movement. the anti-face mask movement.

Hmm. Yes, they're revolutionary. Yeah. First of all, let's head over to Rebecca Daynamuno for the latest Chaser News headline. Melbourneians in lockdown have today welcomed the new restrictions on their movements, pointing out that they got the second wave first and that nothing is quite as trendy as a Melbourne lockdown.

Authorities have reported panic buying of single origin coffee and handmade artisan beanies across the city. The ABC has decided to. widen its offering with a new intercontinental ballistic program, saying the move into arms dealing will increase its funding 30-fold. The head of the cash-strapped broadcaster David Anderson said it didn't matter that the ABC had no expertise building missiles, pointing out that this would be an Australian defence system, so it would never be expected to work properly anyway.

Insiders say early prototypes work all right, but always tend to veer to the left for some reason. The Chinese government has announced that, in the event Australia gets an effective missile system, they will simply buy it from us. But the Australian government has slammed the comments saying that it was preposterous that Australia would ever get a missile system that was actually effective. That's the latest Chaser News. Thanks, Beck.

Hey, Beck, do you have any Melbourne friends affected by the lockdown? No, I don't know anyone in those suburbs. Why, Beck, what, I mean, what about me? Oh, hi, Andrew. I live in the lockdown zone. Yeah, as I say, I don't have any friends affected by the lockdown. Oh. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report.

This episode of The Chaser Report is proudly brought to you by the government's $270 billion stealth missile program. It may sound a lot, but it's actually very good value, because that's how much it will cost over 10 years. That's right, the stealth missile program. Killing people, cost efficiently. Hey, Dombey and Charles, you look very free to me. Do you know I live in one of the post codes that they've just announced? Yes. One of them is mine.

Your actual suburb was named by Dan Andrews as one of the hot spots. It was, it was, along with a little, I'm a terrible person. I'm clearly a terrible person. We all are. And, you know, because it makes sense, doesn't it? because I don't know if you know the history of these things, but, you know, postcode areas were originally mapped out according to how the coronavirus spreads.

So it makes perfect scientific sense, you see, to do this. But what's particularly ghastly for me, you know, is that I live literally like a one-minute walk. If it's a brisk walk, I can walk to the border in one minute. So I can just look down the street. I can see the faces of people down the street looking smugly at me. Healthy people over the border from your zone of infection.

Well, they're healthy and disease-free. They look so healthy over there. And here we are coughing and spluttering on the other side of the street. So now you know what it was like to live in, like, East Berlin when the wall came up. Well, this brings me to the question, Charles. I mean, do you think of walls a good idea? You know, should we be building walls around these bad post codes? No.

I was thinking more like a dome. You know those giant domes like in the Truman show? Like the Simpsons. No, the Simpsons, yeah, yeah. Well, you'd have to shape the dome. It wouldn't be domes shaped, though, would it? It'd be shaped like the bloody roads that I live next to, that I live directly next to,

across which I would have been free if I'd lived over there. Have you considered making a sort of midnight escape, like in the cover of darkness, you and the kid, you know, you, your wife and your kid just, you know. Like a tunnel. What about a sort of, I mean, we could be a sort of re-trial. Shawshank Redemption style thing. You could dig a metro tunnel and get out of there.

Have they got, like, do they check the car's boots and things like that? They, like, could you not sort of hop into the boot of somebody who's allowed to go through? Oh, yeah. And then just get smuggled out. This is a great, I like the air. It's like one of those Mexican drug lords. Yes, yes. Because I suppose what I'm saying is a wall is not going to prevent all that stuff.

There's still ways through, even if they do. build a wall, which I think is a good idea. But I think we need, we also need, you know, more thorough, like, I think we need to bring in the military to guard you from escaping. I want your house in full lockdown. I mean, Andrew, I was skeptical when you moved to Melbourne and said that it will be better to live there. Yeah.

But I didn't realize you were planning on moving into one of the tainted postcodes. That was very, very unwise of you. Well, look, I mean, you say that on, you know, in a way, don't me. But then again, you know, we Melbourne people. people we've always liked to think that we are just as good and cosmopolitan as London and New York. And now our coronavirus figures prove that. Exactly.

I mean, I think the great cities of the world. You know, one of the marks of a great city is that it's completely swamped by COVID. And that's the case here in Melbourne. So I wouldn't necessarily, you know, be too harsh on us, Domney. How's it being transmitted? Are there barista super spreaders who are just, you know, handing it out with every latte? Well, it's spread book by droplets, isn't it? It's by droplets.

We know that. And so, you know, there's a lot of coffee droplets in there. No, apparently what it was, the story that came out yesterday was that the guards at the hotel who all live in your area, the quarantine hotels, were having sex with the inmates who were all infected. And that's such a schoolboy era. Yes. Yeah, but you can understand it now. And it does it make sense, finally. Yes.

Because you're all in a hotel. together. It's kind of like a sort of screwball comedy from the 80s. It's like, you know, quarantine hotel. Are you telling me, Andrew, did you not even have sex with a quarantine detainee and you're still locked down? That seems unfortunate. Yeah, look, I can't help but feel slightly put out

that it wasn't directly my fault. I feel bad. Look, I do feel ashamed. It does make me feel a shame when I talk to my interstate relatives. It's kind of like being on the naughty step. And it's fair enough, I think, that, you know, bad postcodes do get punished. I guess my question is actually, is the punishment severe enough? I mean, is lockdown severe enough, do you think, Charles?

Or should there be extra punishment? Well, I think clearly that they should all cast straight you all. Stop your bloody having sex with infected people. Just stop it, Andrew. Just stop it, all of you. That would put all 300,000. Maybe that, well, they got people door knocking, you know. They've got medical specialists, door knocking in our areas.

to do the test. Maybe they could offer a quick take some secateurs. Yeah, yeah, a quick... Dron strikes would be appropriate. Particularly, surely now the drones are able to just do a remote temperature measurement. If you're, you know, 0.1 degree too high, just neutral. We don't... You're holding the rest of Australia back, Andrew, Hanson.

You are holding us back from eradication just so you can frot and rut with people in those quarantine hotels and it's not good enough. It's un-Australian. You're un-Australian. I agree. Look, I couldn't agree more. I'm so disgusted with myself for living in this despicable postcode.

Well, we've suddenly got $270 billion worth of missiles, haven't we do? And the drones are coming out of that money. So I think Skymo is onto it. Yeah, we might as well turn those onto Postcode 3012. You're gone.

Yes. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. The Chaser Report is brought to you by Melbourne's hot hotels where you can pick up and pick up the virus. Charles and Andrew, it's time to get philosophical here on the Chaser Report. And let's head to the US where there's a big debate over whether people should be wearing masks. At a time when there are something like 40,000 new cases of COVID-19 every single day, what do you think? Masks, yes or no, given that case rate? I just don't understand why they don't all wear masks.

It doesn't make any sense. I know that it's not funny, but it's just like true. It's like, you know, it is funny because it's kind of true. But I mean, look, but you sometimes read, you know, whenever I read about masks, though, there's a lot of people who say, yeah, you should wear a mask. But it always says at the end of the article, it always says, you know, but Dr. Fosdyke from somewhere or other says that wearing a mask might not be so good, especially if you only wear one mask 90 times.

Well, look, it is a hot debate. And the way it's evolved, has it become a culture war where lefties wear. masks and right wingers tend not to. Donald Trump has refused so far to wear a mask, but he kept this up even when visiting a mask factory where they literally make masks. But then today, breaking news, he now says he wants to wear a mask because it makes him look like the lone ranger. So that's sort of evolving. Because he finally found something he can identify with at his intellectual level. I mean, this is what he needed. A cool dude who wears a mask, exactly. So look, it is a hot debate over

there, which is why I'd like to convene the first ever meeting of the The Chaser Report Philosophy Society, powered by Keeves Toulburn. Yes, thank you to Kiv and his Toulbarn for sponsoring this. It's an important philosophical debate about the nature of liberty. And the question is, can the government compel free citizens to wear masks that they don't get a disease that's killed 130,000 people? And we're going to head to Florida for this debate. America is a bit different, and Florida's even more different, guys.

it's full of very special people. Have you seen that meme going around where you Google Florida Man and your birthday and you find some strange news stories? Have you heard of that one? Look, I follow Florida Man on Twitter. It's one of my favorite Twitter accounts. But now I'm not across the birthday twist.

It's great. So you put your birthday into Google and Florida Man and you get something very special. I took the liberty of looking up both of yours. Charles, on your birthday, the story is neighbors complain about Florida Man doing yard work naked. That sounds like me.

Do you live in Florida now, those Charles? I don't know you'd move there. How is Florida? And Andrew, you're not legally allowed to do yours at the moment, which is a Florida man seen riding jet ski down highway. I don't even know how. I'm not sure you're legally at least. You're not a C-D any time.

Jet skis don't move on roads, I'm pretty short. I mean, I've written one. Or maybe in Miami, it's constantly flooded. That's probably the only way to get around. My one on my birthday, which is Australia Day, I'll have you know. Florida man finds World War II grenade, puts it in his truck and drives to Taco Bell. So my point is Florida is a bit different. They think differently down there.

They act differently. And this is born out. Charles, you said you couldn't think of any reason why you wouldn't just wear a mask. Well, let me give you quite a few from the citizens of Palm Beach, County, where they held public hearings into a new rule that said that everyone had to wear masks. And I think the citizens of Palm Beach County made some very good points. And here we're going to assess the philosophy of what they're saying. Here's the first one. I've been a music teacher for 23 years. I need you to tell me how do I play a saxophone and sing with a mask on?

I'll let you think about that. Think about it. Oh, how does she play sax with a mask on? And sing, look, I think singing you can, you can do. You just sing. And, you know, you might I mean, that's all right. The saxophone, yeah, I think she's got a point. What is she saying? She's going to, she worried that, you know, when she goes to Walmart, she can't take her saxophone with her and play it because she's got her mask on. When do you ever go out in public with your saxophone needing to wear, you like, surely that's at home.

You don't need to wear a mask. Oh, I think she's talking about a music lesson, no, isn't she? Like, she's a music teacher, right? So she's probably got some kid and the kid sitting with a mask. She's got a mask. And she's like, this is not a good time to learn the saxophone. You should pick up the violin. Arguably, you should be having any music lessons during a major global pandemic.

But anyway, so I think we can all agree that the mask law is already in philosophical tatters after that argument. But it only gets more philosophical from here. Here's another lady. Where do you derive the authority to regulate human breathing? How good is that? And then she moves on to. God gave us the very breath that we are to breathe. Who?

A Palm Beach County to take away God's sacred breath. I'd like to hear that lady ask the same question when she's on a ventilator. Well, actually, it's funny you've mentioned that because she went on to this. I would also like to know, where do you get the authority to reduce my oxygen? And I really think no one's asked that of the coronavirus previously. An extraordinary person. So who's this person that we're listening to? Who's this breath?

So she, I don't know the nose, but they all fronted up to this public meeting and made their arguments. They had to wear masks to get into the public meeting and then they took them off to make their powerful point. And this, ironically, these clips have gone viral around the world. So they're fascinating. I mean, do you think that same woman, you know, if she went onto a building site, was asked to wear a hard hat, would say, you know, who gives you the authority to patrol the hardness of my head? And if a concrete block wants to fall on me, I want the power to just bounce it off myself. That's a very good point.

And look, there was a lot of religious debate in this meeting, and it is America. And another woman had this similar concern. They want to throw God's wonderful breathing system out the door. That's right. But wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait. People, you can still breathe through a face mask. You're allowed to breathe, I think you're still permitted. Respiration is not being outlawed.

I think they've mistaken the mask for some kind of full suffocation to death thing. I don't think we're asking you to do that. Also, didn't Almighty God create face masks as well? Oh, yeah. Unless it's the devil's work. It's the devil's work, Dom. Clearly. Oh, I'm glad.

I'm glad you mentioned the devil's work. because the next lady does that. Citizens arrest are already happening, okay? And every single one of you that are obeying the devil's laws are going to be arrested. So this woman is promising to arrest everyone who tries to follow the devil's law

and make her wear a mask. She's going to personally arrest them. She's going to do a citizen's arrest, which unfortunately will mean that she'll probably contract COVID from them. Oh, that's a shame because then God's beautiful breathing system won't be quite so good for her. And the reason she has this concern, the reason why she's going out and conducting all these

citizens' arrests, I think it's because of this. You literally cannot mandate somebody to wear a mask knowing that that mask is killing people. Masks are killing people, guys. Right, are they? I didn't realize they were that bad. Are they kind of, are they sort of Jim Carrey masks that are being sold? What type of masks do you think are killing people? Very odd. This is very odd. She doesn't elaborate on this, Domi?

doesn't sort of explain how they're killing people? Just the act of joining a face mask kills you. I've worked it out. I've worked it out. There's been a huge upsurge in people wearing masks in the US. And that's coincided with COVID, which has killed hundreds of thousands of people. That's what's going on.

It's as clear as day, Andrew. Yeah, I see. I can see it on the graph. Yes. It's completely correlates. It's masks that are the problem. Yeah, it's like they say correlation. Correlation is causation, isn't that the saying that they...

And you can't see the coronavirus, so it doesn't exist. It must be the mask. But look, all of these philosophical arguments, I think you'll agree, are very, very potent. There's no way we can have masks at all. If anyone was still in doubt, this is the strongest argument of the day. I don't wear a mask for the same reason I don't wear underwear. Things got to breathe. Welcome to Florida, gentlemen, where I think everyone is going to die.

The Chaser Report Less News More often The Chaser Report is brought to you by the government's $270 billion missile program Think of it as a jobkeeper scheme

For arms dealers And now guys I love jogging It's my new favourite thing in the whole world I think mainly because it just gets me away From the kids for a few hours You don't look like you love jogging Charles

You look like you hate jogging You look like a man who really hate... Do you love the idea of jogging or are you actually saying you're now a jogger? You've got to realize, like, we're doing this podcast over Zoom, right? Zoom adds 30 kilos to your look. I'm actually very sveled, Andrew. Oh, oh, it's interesting because you look about 200 kilos heavier than you should. But you're only 170.

Anyway, so I love joking. And I've got a very special segment because I think I'm, I've found a product that will destroy that love in everyone. Welcome to the future. Yesterday, I'm reviewing smart socks. What I ask you, do you think the problem is with current normal dumb socks? What do you think that problem is? Knowing this segment, I'm going to go out in a limb and say not enough Bluetooth.

Not Bluetooth, yeah, there's no app. There's no sock app is the thing I miss. Well, that's right. But there's actually also another more sort of subtle psychological problem with socks. I need something that will tell me how well I am running that allows me to compare myself today against my best self. That's right. So they're called Sensoria Smart Sox and what they do is they help you feel bad when you go for a run and make you sort of compete against yourself the whole time and constantly compare yourself to your best self.

Good job. Try to speed up on the piece. Yeah. See, so that's what, and it pipes it into your ear as you're jogging, right? So the sock monitors your pace. Yes. And, um, and gives you feedback. It is, it's a smart sock.

Right. It's a smart sock. And it connects your sock to your phone and then it pipes it into your headphones. And then it tells you what you're doing wrong. Right. And, and it does this with three sensors that are at the bottom of the sock. that you've got to line up on your foot. Try to land on your mid foot.

Yeah, right. So whenever you're doing something wrong, it just tells you exactly where the problem is. Now, there is just a slight problem with this revolutionary design, which is that they're very hard to put on. Sox are, in fact, yeah, the socks. I mean, socks are hard. I mean, you know, like, yeah, there's so many openings.

Like, how many openings does a sock have? Oh, no, just one normally, doesn't it? And where do I put it? Oh, that's right, my foot, yeah. These ones are so hard to put on. They actually had to release an instruction video that you go to. So you can see how to put on your socks. In order to wear your smart socks correctly,

please notice that each one carries the letters L and R for left and right. wear your right sock first and then check the planter area. Yes, it's the bottom of your foot to make sure that the three green textile sensors are in this position. I'm really baffled by this code. What did all stand for again, Charles? Was it lame? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, LR, what's all this jargon?

I mean, how long does the video go? Like, by the time that you've worked out how to put on the socks, your jog will be over and you've got to go to work. You've got to go to work. Yeah, that's why I'm 200. 70 kilos overweight. I think it's just spent 45 minutes putting your socks on every morning. But the good thing is they've actually made it easy to find out whether you've finally got your socks on correctly.

It sounds like the sort of thing they put on criminals to monitor their every movement, an anklet. Are you sure it's not designed for that purpose? You have to check them every eight seconds. It just blinks blue every eight seconds. That's how you know you got your socks on properly. You have to jog looking down at your feet the whole time. Exactly.

Well, it's funny, you should say that because it doesn't have a symmetrical design. It's actually, so I want to go through the reviews now because that's one of the problems that's been identified by the reviewers. So the first thing that the reviewers say is that it's very expensive and it is a bit uncomfortable to wear. It doesn't actually have Bluetooth tracking. I think it tracks by its own proprietary. version of Bluetooth, which means that you actually have to have a little dongle for your phone and a little dongle for your sock, and if you lose it, you've got to replace it. That sounds so comfortable, jogging with a dongle in your shoe.

A dongle, but it only goes on one of your ankles, so it's unsymmetrical as well. You've got a weight on one. That's, I think all pro-Olympian joggers like putting an extra weight on one foot. They should be an Olympic event, I reckon, a hundred metre dungle. These are some users who've left Amazon reviews. One said that two of the sensors are located on the ball of your feet and one near the hill, which you can feel every time you take a step and you walk, right? So it's like walking with something inside your shoe.

It's like a pebble in both shoes. And then this reviewer for The Verge tried to review this. and the anklet fell off 15 minutes after he started running and he lost it. He just lost the anglet. He lost this $250 anklet. $150. But surely he was breaking the rules. Like he's supposed to be constantly looking down every eight seconds to make sure the blue light's blinking.

So it's his fault. Yes, exactly. Charles, I hate to be a party clip of it. But are these socks washable? Because generally after you exercise, you know, need to put the socks straight in the wash. I mean, how many pairs he meant to buy to be able to jog every day? Well, look, I think the, I actually don't know whether that's a very good point.

I don't know whether they, they must be washable. You must have to, you take off the ankle at Dongle and then you must put the senses in. But I don't think that matters, Dom, because nobody, it seems, has used it more than once. One guy repeatedly tried to walk a three-mile walk and then just gave up on the whole device. He said it doesn't track distance. It gets steps wildly inaccurate. So it always shows zero miles walked.

Or if you walk over three miles, it shows that you've walked for 0.6 of a mile. Conclusion, useless. I don't know, Charles. This sounds a bit harsh to me because you and I actually sometimes go to the gym with another friend of ours. And he has this great habit throughout the whole workout of telling me

that I'm doing it wrong and belittling me. And it sounds to me like these socks do the same thing. But you've got it on wrong, you're not running far enough, you're hopeless. I think I'm in. Yes, okay. Well, I'll buy you a pair. But actually, I'll have to buy you about three or four pairs

because you'll probably lose the first pair the moment you take it out. The Chaser Report, Now with extra whispers. The Chaser report is brought to you by the government's $270 billion missile program. Who knew he had a spare $270 billion? Well, that's the end of the show. Oh, hang on.

We've got breaking news from Rebecca Day and Emuno in the Chaser newsroom. An alcoholic who has just completed his ninth beer of the day has reassured himself that he's not an alcoholic if he's drinking craft beer. The man admits he would have a problem if he wasn't. drinking boutique IPAs. Thanks, Beck. Remember to check out chaser.com.com.com. We're at Chaser on Twitter. We're at Chaser war on Instagram. We're at facebook.com slash the chaser. And please remember to join our weekly email newsletter called The Chaser

weekly. And of course, subscribe to this podcast in whatever app you're using right at the moment. Thanks to Mike Liberali, our producer. we're going to leave you with a very special new podcast. There's been a lot of chat about ABC funding cuts in last week, but they do have some amazing journalism going on. And this is their latest podcast. Introducing a new podcast from the ABC's investigative unit. And these documents we've obtained prove corruption at the highest level of government. Hard hitting. And this secret recording proves a cover-up that goes to the very top. Hey. Hey. Hey. Maybe we should put it in that Comet Islands company you set up.

The ABC Investigations podcast, the only investigative journalism podcast that has the resources to... Uh, excuse me, uh, due to budget cuts, I'm afraid you've been axed. What? Uh, you've been axed. But I've got the scoop of the century here. This may even bring down the government. Look, that may be the case, but we can't afford you anymore. We have to pay for all those reruns of midsummer murders somehow.

Oh, very well. Sorry, but the ABC can only afford to hire interns from now on, unpaid interns. Hi and welcome to the Investigations podcast. Which one button do I press?