The Chaser Report - Melbourne Is Free! And F#%ing Traumatised! | Dave Milner | Sami Shah

Episode Date: October 21, 2021

Two of our favourite Melburnians, Dave Milner of theshot.net.au and Sami Shah of live comedy shows in the distant past, join us on a joyous day for their beloved city – the lockdown is over! Only they don't seem all that happy, as opposed to exhausted and traumatised. Plus, the Queen is on a health kick, and we have a new segment – Fiction or Furphy, where Charles spins implausible yarns and Lachlan and Gabbi try to work out just how concocted they are. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Friday, the 22nd of October 2021. I'm Dom Knight. Hello, Charles Firth. And Victoria is out of lockdown. Yes, Melbourne, the world's most lockdown city is finally free. Let's head straight to Dave Milner of the shot, who's talked to us throughout this epic. It's been hell, but now at last it's over.

Dave, congrats to you and all in Victoria. Can you just muster a little bit of enthusiasm? I have nothing left, Charles. No, that's all you're getting. All right, David, it's been a great chat. Congratulations again. How do you feel, mate? Overwhelmed, exhausted, in need of a beer. Is that the first? Surely it's going to be cafe first. Well, get on the beers as the traditional sentiment for the end of a Melbourne lockdown.

Eggs in the morning, beers not too long afterwards. That's basically the plan. And are you going to be working? Of course. You're my boss, and I'll be working extremely hard. You can be the beer reporter for The Shot. No, but there's a beautiful piece up there at theshot.net.org. Please check out, Dave's.

Considered thoughts on all this as well, by the way. And it's called 263 days later. Did you think it would be this long? In March of 2020, if you told me that I would be spending 263 days in lockdown, I would have moved to Perth. Oh, wow. So you're saying Mark McGowan's approach has been the correct one. Well, tell me you wouldn't have rather have been in Perth this as high as high. Yeah, I think, well, as someone I know, this kind of jet-setting international lawyer type,

headed to W.A. for the past like four or five months. And it just has been posting pictures of beaches and of fun. And I've got to say, wanting to be in W.A. for an extended period is a new sentiment to me, but it's one that I share. Well, the weirdness of feeling jealousy for Queenslanders, that's been a new feeling for me. And Tasmanians, for fuck's sake. We feel jealousy for everywhere that isn't here, basically,

which is a new sentiment for us, too. Yeah, that's right. So do you still think that Melbourne is the best city in the world, Dave? It's a very good city that has endured an awful lot, and it doesn't need any sniping from a hoity-to-doity city. It's hoity-threaty-to-city types at the moment. Thank you very much. Particularly a city which, I mean, some have said,

probably unfairly might have been responsible for this latest indignity and hell that was visited on Melbourne. We endured it too. And to be fair to Sydney, the vast majority of us were not involved in any of this. We didn't drive the limo or not order the lockdown quickly enough or hard enough. But look, we are free together. We're now the two free cities in a lockdown country. Although I would say under the current New South Wales regulations,

Victorians are not allowed into New South Wales yet. So, Dave, it's very nice to have you out of lockdown. but please do not come up here yet. I'm not in any rush. There are places 16 kilometres from here that I would really like to see before I see Sydney. But we will get around to it. We'll get around to.

Because right now, if you go to Victoria, I might be out of date with the regulations, but last time I checked, we're welcome. We're actually allowed in. Yeah, we're allowed in. But there's a 14-day hotel quarantine before you're allowed out, I think. That was the last time I checked anyway.

So we've still got a bit of work to do, but I just can't imagine how good that first tap beer in a pub's going to feel or the first just just frolic knowing that you know no no more shit basically or much less anyway yeah it's it's it's a weird one because we have we have we have this is our sixth reemergence day but it's a different one it's it's an epoch shift um the the possibility that this is the last one is the thing that's making this feel very very different you know you're now jinxed it Now that you've said it's the last one.

Oh, dear. Get it. You're right. But yeah, we are emerging alongside the virus this time, and that will be an adjustment. I guess you guys are used to that. You've done that before. Well, I mean, to be honest, and this is the kind of awkward fact about this moment in time, which I suspect will be redressed in about two weeks,

is that the case count there is so much higher than here. It's almost tenfold that I think we would. we're kind of just waiting for the penny to drop. So you go out and you kind of think, oh, there's a pretty small chance, but you just know that it's brewing in the background. And you hope your vaccination holds. You hope that people are being sensible,

but you suspect they're not. Yep. And I don't know that it's going to be, it's going to be a tough few months, but fucking hell, it's better than lockdown. I've actually taken, Dave, to, I carry around a pack of 50 masks in my bag because so few people are wearing masks inside.

now, especially in my office building, that I hand them out in the lift, because people get into the lift and say, oh, you don't have a mask. Maybe you want to wear one, which is the rule, by the way. Yeah, which is the fucking law. I love it. I appreciate the overzealousness. That's how we've been playing it in Victoria. It's the way to go.

You've been intimidating, shale, handing out masks to people in an elevator. I reckon that would intimidate me if that happened. Yeah. Oh, I cough on them first. Well, the sooner we all get it. Sooner we all get it, the sooner we all have immunity. But I must say, I can't wait to come down to Melbourne. And gloat.

And no, in all honesty, comedy festival next year. Melbourne in summer is a beautiful thing. We might all come down and ruin it, I think. So many events early next year yet to be cancelled. It's going to be. Give it some. Okay. Look, you've warned you.

heart on your sleeve for everyone in Victoria as far as I've never felt more like a Melbourneian than reading your pieces. It's a weird sensation but I actually really like it. Thank you for, you know, being the emotional Sherper through so much of this on the shot. Emotional Sherper

that's a new one. I'll add that to the CV. Thanks, Tom. All right, Dave Milner, don't forget the pieces up. Theshot.net.net.a How many days later? 263 days later. Oh, fucking hell, you poor bastard. All right.

Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. Coming up on the show,

Sammy Shah is going to give his perspective on coming out of lockdown. Yes, which I suspect will be more sardonic, but probably just as heartful. felt, plus a new segment where Charles tells tall tales and our interns have to work out whether they're true or not. So we're coming up right after Rebecca Day and Amuno in the Chaston Newsroom. The Federal Coalition has shut down an attempt to find out who donated large sums of money to Christian Porter, saying that no good could come from an investigation that could prove

Porter innocent or guilty of corruption. The Prime Minister said the entire Federal Liberal Party was still in shock. after former New South Wales Labor ministers were jailed yesterday for corruption, suggesting that politicians could face consequences for their actions. The Bachelorette has hit a roadblock as it has become clear that all the contestants just want to fuck host Oshah Ginsberg. The entire format has been upended after it turned out he was by far the hottest man or woman on set. Peter Dutton has taken a break from accusing the ABC of wasting taxpayer money

to demand that MPs be able to use taxpayer money when they sue the ABC for defamation. According to the mouldy potato, politicians are completely disadvantaged by the current system as they have to use a blind trust to ruin an unemployed activist's life for calling him a cunt. That's the latest from the Chaser Newsroom. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno,

and if any lawyers are listening, I said all that against my will and am not liable for any of it. Remember to subscribe to the podcast on your podcast, app of choice. It's time to play the game we call Fiction or Furfi. We have Gabby and Loughlin with us to try and distinguish fiction from Furphy.

Hello, both of you. Hello. Hello, hello. And we have Charles Firth who is going to tell a story and Gabby and Loughlin have to work out whether it is a Furphy, which is something which is true but embellished, or a fiction, something that is the entire product

of his diseased mind. And we're doing this just because we want to, Don't. It's not because Firthy beer is sponsoring us or anything, is it? Not at all. And it is not as though I have to include the phrases Furfy, unbelievable, and tell you that Charles, it's time to crack one, tell one. Those are things I would say anyway. Are you two ever considering an acting career?

Well, let's see how plausible Charles is. This one's actually about something that happened at the beginning of this year. With Xander, I was making a video with Zander, and it was a sort of theoretical of an attack ad. And it was in the style of a sort of old, you know, those old, you wouldn't steal your mother's car. Oh, yeah, the front of every DVD. Yeah, the beginning of DVD. Well, video cassette back before you were born. So we took that form, which was only 15 years out of date.

It went something like, you know, you wouldn't trust your racist uncle. You wouldn't believe a Q and on Rand or something. And then the last one was you wouldn't buy day old half-price sushi. And so we put the video out. It didn't do very well. But the thing that did sort of really spark conversation was the line you wouldn't buy day old half-priced sushi. Lots of people went, no, but that's how I survive. That's where I get all my nutrition from.

Half-price sushi from the supermarket is like the best in the world, right? And I'd always, I don't know whether you've ever been into, like, Coles and Woolies, they all have it. Yeah, every sushi bar runs stuff out. You just never get that stuff, right? I'm a poor uni student and even I usually avoid it. Yeah, exactly, right. This conversation got me thinking, oh, well, maybe actually it's all right. And so I ended up, okay, well, I might as well, right.

And I shit you not. Went in at the end of the day. So, you know, this salmon sushi sort of bento box thing that would be otherwise, I don't know, 11, 12, 13, 14 dollars was $3.50. And so I took it home, had it for dinner that night. And then at 2 a.m. That night, it decided. to go through me, and it was literally the worst

poisoning I have ever had. Gabby, is this fiction, has Charles made it up, or Furphy? Is it a true story that's somewhat embellished? I think it's a Furphy, but not for the reason you might think. I actually think it's a Furphy, because I think somebody else in his family got this food poisoning, and it was actually a bad dad moment. Oh, that's great. Lachlan, do you agree?

I'm going to go with Furphy, because I seem to remember Charles coming in one day and offering me some sushi that he hadn't finished, and I didn't question it at all. Charles. No, it's complete fiction. I have never bought half-priced sushi from the supermarket. And I never will. He thinks he's too rich for cheap sushi, that magnate. There you go.

This has been fiction or fervy. Catch you next time. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. Fizz is 100% online. to make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month.

Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. Today is Freedom Day in Victoria after a very, very long time. Indeed, we talked to Dave Milner at the start of the show for the emotional, heartfelt response. But I can't wait to see what Sammy Scha's got to say about the journey over the past months and years, in fact, and the joy and perhaps massive outbreak that lives ahead.

Hey, Sammy. Hey. I don't want to get out. I don't want to get out. I don't want to get out. I don't want to get out. I don't want to get out. I'm fine in my apartment.

I don't want the rest of the world. I have already had nothing but a shitty week because they've announced this end of lockdown bullshit. I'm fine. We were fine. You know what? We were fine. We had Zoom. We had Netflix.

We had Stan and Disney Plus and all those things. And we had Uber Eats. And we were fine. We don't need other people. We don't need sunlight. We don't need activity. We've established we're fine. It sucks.

Now I have to go to a barbecue. Fuck that. I hate barbecues. I have to go to a picnic with friends. Fuck picnic. What with this? I don't want this. I want a pandemic.

This is not a pandemic I was promised. I feel like you've become accustomed to lockdown. I'm understanding why the caged bird sings. I mean, look, yeah. Some people have pointed out that my reaction to lockdown ending has been very much like that old man in Shawshank Redemption who basically does not like working in a grocery store, ends up carving his name onto the high beam. And let's not go with what happens at the end over there.

But, you know, I mean, I'm not adjusting well. I'm not in your, look, you know what? Here's what happened. So I have been wearing glasses since the age of six, right? You can see spectacles in my face. They're humongously thick. These are Hubble telescope level thick spectacles. And since the age of six I've been wearing them.

And finally, finally, this lockdown, you know, this thing you do in lockdown where you contemplate your mortality and you question your life choices. And I was like, why am I wearing these? There's modern technology that allows me to take off my spectacles. So I went and I got the appointment and I was going to get on November 4th and November 5th one eye and in the next eye, both of them still laser surgery, micro surgery done and they're going to put implant lenses into my eyes and do all kinds of cool bionic shit. And I'd never have to wear glasses again. And I was so excited. You know what? I didn't even get headshots taken for any new media

opportunities that might one day come my way when finally all the white guys from Chaser and die and the rest of us in the country get an opportunity to get on fucking television and you know what? They cancel it. They cancel it because they're like, oh, we're ending lockdown. There might be too many sick people so

redirecting all our medical resources towards the hospital. I don't get to get my laser surgery to God knows when now. I have to currently wearing glasses like a schmuck, like a loser for the rest of my life probably. So essentially, you are, you're against the end of lockdown because of the pressure it will place on, hang on, how does it, I just want to note,

can I just point out before you go any further that, Sammy, that just for the record, Charles and I are not standing in the way of you being on television. Yeah, yeah, I know. It's largely, Chris, let's be honest. It's that fucking jawline of his. It makes him all attractive. two TV producers, and they keep offering. Why take your glasses off, although he has glasses?

Have you seen, have you said he got a hosting, or not a hosting job? No, I know. Would I lie to you? It's amazing. There's him, there's Lisa Wilkinson, I believe. There's Fred from, what's it called? I'm paying the name of their troop now. But yeah, three amazing comedians, who, performers, rather, who thank God they've been given

an opportunity because they've never had a chance before to really show how they can fail at a TV show. I'm excited about this Frank Woodley guy. It must be quite... I haven't heard of him before. That's it, Fred Quarterly. You know, it must be quite disappointing or depressing that there's no people of color with talent or anyone under the age of 40 in all of Sydney for Channel 10 to cast with. Hopefully they'll have a racism scandal at a moment during the season.

And then they'll need to come in and brownwash it for a while. That's right, for two years. You know, not for too long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, just half a season. And then that'll be your big opportunity. It's the only way I get a gig these days. But no, like, here's the thing.

And I don't mean any disrespect to Chris or to Lisa or to Frank slash Fred. Because I love the sort of all white people are the same approach to the people who are on the show. Because it's deaf, is it not Lisa, it's Chrissy Swan, isn't it? It's Chrisy Swan. I don't know. But sure, they're all the same. I hear you. It's not Lisa.

It's Chris and Chris. and Chrissy and Frank. So basically, out of all of the talent in Australia, they've got the two white people with the same name as well. They just happen to be different genders. Okay, great.

Real diversity gossip there, folks. No, I don't even care about that show. I'm not going to watch it. No one's going to watch it. It'll last season. It'll die. That's fine. That's the birth and rebirth

of Australian television. What I care about is the fact that I am not ready to get out of lockdown because I don't want the rest of the way. world because the rest of the world sucks, you guys. It is on fire. It is depressing. You leave your house chances. Our Barnaby Joyce is going to start dry-humping you no matter who you are or where you are in all of Australia. The entire environment's on fire. Everything sucks. And now we've got to go and meet people and pretend we love strangers and hug our cousins and shit. Fuck that. I don't

want to do this. I'm out. I feel like this podcast has actually become a sort of therapy session. I mean, look, you could probably get a rebate. I'm not going to lie. You should consider applying for a better rebate. And I like that we are the personification of the things that are wrong. We are the comedy establishment, albeit a particularly unsuccessful quadrant of it. We are Sydney. Look, you are the man.

We are also outdoors from your apartment, which sounds like that's also something you're not interested in at the moment. And fair enough, fair enough. These things are all true. Look, you guys went through. Can I just tell you, Sammy, the one, like, because we've been through getting out of lockdown. I know you've been through it six times, but we went through it at the beginning of last week. And you're right, it's terrible. The hangovers really get you.

Mm, a sunburn. I got sunburn. But there was, it was about the third or fourth dinner party in, where I was really going, wow, this is quite a lot of effort to sort of thing. But I also just got this sense of joy. come over me and it was like it was a feeling that I hadn't had for months and months and months and it was the joy that you get in connecting with other human beings in real time in person and it becomes the meaning that is the meaning of life Sammy Charles you sound like a Deepak Chopra book right now stop it stop it the world we are we are comedians we are

sadderists we are cynical and bitter and this cynicism and bitterness has been beaten into and by society, and I am not ready to deal with joy. I am not ready to have sunlight to hit my face and feel elation. I don't want elation in my life anymore. Can I give you the counterpoint? Because I was at the dinner party in question, which Charles hosted, which is enormously kind of him. And it was absolutely terrifying.

Everyone was so loud and shouty. And I mean, it was fun in its own wake while I was pissed. But then the next day I woke up and I was like, I've got COVID. I've got the coronavirus. I went and got a test. It was negative. I don't fucking know how. And it was harrowing.

It was like, it was the worst thing that's happened in terms of my stress levels in months. But yes, I have to admit there was some joy. But keep in mind, by the way, you guys went out of lockdown with, I think what, a few hundred cases a day by the time, right? We had more cases today than we have had at any point in the history of our lockdown. And that is over 2,000 something cases at this point. And that is only going to go up. So even though we are now going out of lockdown because we're all vaccinated, we're all feeling better about a vaccination, we're going to see more cases, we're going to see more incidences. The news here will be more alarmist.

We're going to see more panic and yelling and screaming in the media. It's not going to be a happy time. We're fine in lockdown. Isn't that directly your fault, though, Sam, Sam, you're a performer. And so your whole job is to get people. people together in a closed room, poorly ventilated in close quarters, and get them to laugh on each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, if you've never been to any of my shows, you know, clearly you've never been to any of my shows, because, you know, they don't laugh on each other very much when I'm performing. But I will say this. Yes, it's not the best life choice that I have made for others, but you don't become a performer for others. You become a performer because you're a selfish person. And my complete and utter fear and panic that I'm feeling about lockdown ending is purely selfish. And it is the ultimate act of my artistic expression.

And I feel censored right now by your critique. Right. But you were going to perform the Comedy Republican. I was indeed. And then Daniel Andrews had a typo. And that's the thing that I miss the most. I'm a comedian. So what happened?

What was, you tell that story. I don't think anyone knows that story. All right. So this is a typical Melbourne story, right? at this point. And by the way, I'm not an anti-Dan person. I'm not a Dan Stan. I think at the end of the day, he's a politician. He did a very good job during lockdown of managing Melbourne and getting the best health advice. He also did a very bad job of implementing over-policing. Some might argue. And he's a politician. They're all self-serving assholes. So whatever.

If anyone is there like just completely fantasizing about a politician, that's worrying about their mental health. But regardless, he announced the end of lockdown. He said, these are things that you can do. And on the things that we could do was entertainment. Entertainment venues were open. And up on the, I think 20 people or five people with like 1.5 meter space between them, et cetera, can go to the venues. And you never get more than about 20 people to your show. I mean, like 20 people is when I put all my money in Facebook advertising. So yeah, that space out of which 19 of them are comedians using their free passes to get it. But I, you know, I had the thing where all, you know, we, Comedy Republic contact.

to me, a beautiful venue in Melbourne, one of my favorite venues in a comedy in Australia, and they contact me and said, we're open. And we had all caps emails going back and forth because we were like, can you believe this? We finally get you to do comedy in a week in front of live humans. It'll be so liberating, so exciting. And then the very next day it turned out, Danny Landrieu has misannounced everything because of a typo. There was never supposed to be entertainment venues. So all of those gigs have been canceled again.

And that was my lot. I think that was the straw that breaks the candles back. That was my straw. That was my last bit of hope. I have given up hope. I have given up aspirations. I have given up belief in the betterment of mankind. And now I want us all to suffer heat death at the hands of an undying universe.

I think the reason, Sammy, is that every entertainment venue I've ever been to, I've been to probably 50 different venues for comedy in Melbourne over various comedy festivals. They all have his arch nemesis. They all have. Oh, that is true. He is. Every venue. Vocally anti-stairs.

He doesn't trust him. Yeah, why would he? They tried killing him last time. They're part of a conspiracy. They're definitely, stairs are, we quite famously, Victorian opposition. So, because Labor is elevated.

No, I think they're much bigger than the Victorian opposition. Everything's big as the Victorian opposition. I've actually managed to get him out of office. Well, Sammy, I hope you can learn to love the next phase. But look, the way the numbers are going, I suspect that this may not be our last lockdown That's the other thing Everyone's going lockdowns over until the next one

Why this is you know what Fool me once shame on me Fool me twice Shame on Shame on me I think that was the wise word of George W Bush And at this point we're being fooled For the 15th time if we think lockdown's ending

And we should be good about this shit So I'm not buying it I can see through the hoax I'm a truther, and I'm on top of it. I know how to handle it. Well, we had a very emotional chat with Dave, who was very joyous. Thank you for being such a thorough antidote to all that he had to say at the start of the podcast. Well, that's on him.

I would plug your upcoming live gigs, except there aren't any, but you go to Sammy's Patreon and subscribe, and you can see some of his old live gigs and get his weekly newsletter as well and lots for the stuff that he does. Thank you, Sammy. Thank you very much. And recipes, by the way. Yes, recipes. That's the main thing that's taken up for some reason.

I'm now suddenly writing recipe. We all transform in lockdown. Yeah. Thank you, Sammy. Thank you. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore.

FIS is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.com. Charles, just before we go, I have some outrage for you from Buckingham Palace. Oh, okay. The highest circles of power in the Commonwealth, the Queen 95 years old, mourning her husband, Prince Philip, has been told by her doctors to give up her evening dry martini. Well, that's, I mean, but that's what's kept it going all these years.

Honestly, if you make it to 95, you can have a fucking tap with martini coming at it. And she's mourning. She's, and what do British people do when they mourn? They drink and they repress. That's how you get through. And anyway, didn't her mother, the Queen Mum, get to 103 or something, because she had a glass of gin each morning? Yes, it basically pickles the interior of the body.

Yes. And look, I've got the report here from Vanity Fair, and it's important that the Pallets official says, she's not a big drinker. Okay, so she's not, the Queen is not a big, just drinker. Just a daily drinker. She just has a martini every day. As you would, if you had a butler and a...

She's got her own brand of gin these days, apparently, too. Yeah, you would. It's James Bond's drink. He can save the world on martini. She can too. So she has the martini. At dinner, she usually enjoys a glass of sweet German wine. And then she has a glass of champagne before bed.

So what's that four standard drinks every single day? That's not a heavy drinker. Well, I mean, it kind of... of his, actually. I think by all accepted medical definitions, she's absolutely soles. But look, it's not a very fun job. I mean, if we learn nothing from the Crown, being Queen sucks shit. Horrible.

But you know who I really blame for this? Who do you blame? Megan Markle. What's she done now? Well, I haven't really thought the steps through, but I'm pretty sure she is the one to blame for the Queen, not being allowed to have her. essentially constitutionally enshrined dry martini of a night. It probably is that. It's either that or if she stops drinking, she thinks about Prince Andrew.

Oh, yeah. Oh, wants to do that. No. Keep drinking, Your Majesty. Our gear is from road microphones and we are part of the ACAS created network. Now, it's Friday. We were supposed to read out the reviews. They've been some really good ones, actually.

Yeah, but they're all too nice. I think we need to sort of do a sharp left turns. Do you leave a five star. But I just think people should really. concentrate on bagging out Dom next week. I have got a pretty clear ride so far. I've basically created indifference.

Nothing positive and nothing negative. Sure, go for that. Or just anything, just be funny. Whatever you like. We just want to read some fun stuff out on the Friday. I'm off to have a dry martini. Because that's what the Queen would do. Yeah, well, I'm having a dry martini too.

Not just for the Queen, but for everyone in Melbourne. Yes, drink up. Have a great day. And we'll see you next week. COVID doesn't get you first. Oh yeah, don't go outside.