The Chaser Report - Melbourne Tastes Freedom And A Specific Butter Chicken

Episode Date: October 22, 2020

This week Melbourne's restrictions on takeaway curries have finally been relaxed, we look at the comedy chops of Donald Trump, and Charles embraces the toilet paper boom, just 7 months too late. Plus Rebecca De Unamuno with some novel news.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational, and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Charles Firth, and today we have Dom Knight and Nina Oyama. And, guys, I've got a bit of a problem. Which one specifically?

What now? What now, Charles? Well, when you think of 2020, what do you think of? Misery, self-loathing. COVID. Masks. Okay, no, but what in 2020? What was the product that everyone bought?

Hand sanitizer. Drugs. Yeah. Nintendo switches. Anyway. Chocolate? Point is. Everyone bought toilet paper in 2020.

Oh, yeah, there was a shortage. Yeah. Oh, was that this year? So you remember how I did a really good trade in those horrible towels and we managed to sell them all? Yeah, you haven't given an update on how many you've actually sold. I've sold, I don't know. It's in the low thousands.

But it's for people who haven't heard about it. So you're trying to sell more merch again. Are you just another terrible? Are you taking over the podcast? again after like, you haven't even started it yet. And you're still flogging more shit. It's all right. You can't buy this yet.

How did you not learn from the last time with the town? So anyway. Is this what Scott Morrison full naked this time? No, this is toilet paper. Okay. So I decided toilet paper, it's a hot item of 2020. It wouldn't be funny to have some novelty toilet paper. Yeah, there were short just about nine months ago.

So it's about as timely as your Hawaii speech out. Filling a gap in my, anyway, point is, so what I've done is I, I printed out all the top Chaser headlines from the entire year and put them onto a long, printed onto long strips of toilet paper. Like a metre. Yeah, like a metre long of toilet paper, of headlines,

all with different things. So you can be going to the toilet and read the headlines from the year. So you've taken headlines from this year that will not be relevant for when people are using them on the toilet that people will not laugh along with because they won't be current anymore. Is that what you're saying? Yes, that is the product.

That is literally the product. You've presumably got to take off a very long bit to read it all. You can sort of wistfully look back on such a great year that 2020 was. You'll laugh at, oh, yeah, I remember that gag from March. You know what? That might be a good idea because I don't know if you know this, TMI, but there's a, when you get a pad, like a woman's sanitary pad, they have a little fact sheet called Oddspots,

and then they have little facts that you can learn about things. Well, it's like that. So it's kind of, yeah, it's like a bad. It's the odd spots of poo. Yeah. Charles, this is going to be the, whether it's steel bracket for me. Does this give me the opportunity to poo on Peter Dutton in some way? Yes, there is a Peter Dutton cheat.

Because that's sold. Like, it's either a preference or a fetish. I'm not sure which it is, but I'm keen. And I got it in Pantone Brown. So, I don't know. Anyway, point is, it's in production. It's, it's, I'm printing it in China because you can't. really get toilet paper printed in in um things so and and i thought well i think i'll probably sell

two thousand we sold quite a lot of towels four it's a four pack of the staff so right so that's eight thousand rolls anyway i was chatting to eight thousand rolls so i was just i was chatting to dispatch people the other day and i was saying um you know about this toilet paper how funny it will be and he went tells where are you going to put it and i hadn't thought about it And then he did some research. He said, oh, I haven't been sleeping because I'm trying to think about what to do with the toilet paper. And then he sent me a photo of what 8,000 rolls of toilet paper looks like.

And it's not good. There is a lot of toilet paper that I've ordered. It's like pallets and pallets and pallets. It's like there's too much. Anyway, so then the guy says, okay, well, we can't, obviously, we cannot fit it in our warehouse. Maybe we can just put it in the street. And they said, but won't people steal us?

and he went, oh, we'll just put a tarp over it. It should be fine. I don't know. I feel like even if there wasn't a tarp over it, people wouldn't. People would be like, what the fuck is this? Right? I don't understand. Out of date toilet paper.

I mean, the thing about toilet paper is that if it rains, it definitely won't absorb the water. I know. Although, look, it's a high-stack scandal because if there is a COVID-20 and there's more panic buying, you sir are going to be the key of the stockpilers. You know what you should do

is that you should start panic-buying toilet paper now so that there's a shortage and you should start. And then I feel the need. Yeah. You should cause the supply and cause the demand. Yeah, there were about four or five months of this year where you could have stored that toilet paper in any supermarket in the toilet paper aisle. Yes, but not anymore, yes. But there are

so, but my thing is not to go through supermarkets because that's a, that's a suckers game. There's a volume game. Well, you could just do a deal with who gives a crap and pretend that it's bamboo and that it goes towards building toilets in the third world instead of you. Yeah, well, I did think of that because it's sort of, my plan is to mail it outright. And I just saw it, oh, well, I'll just put a mailing label on it and put in the parcel post or whatever. But you can't do that because it's really bulky.

Toilipaper is really bulky. You can't, it's not just like $5. It's like $17. Yours. You're so good at business. It's so dumb. It is literally going to cost. And then all the shipping costs, it's going to cost $40.

a pack. Plus $17. So $57. For a pack of four toilet paper. You could get like one and a half towels for that price, Charles. It was the worst. It's the worst. I've completely stuffed up.

I've planned thousands of dollars. It's okay, Charles. When you lose your house, you could build a new one out of boxes of toilet paper. Anyway, so then today I got a little notification from the people who are printing it. They took my money and I had not. heard from them for a couple of weeks, so I was a bit worried. But they have, they said,

oh, yeah, no, no, it's in production. It will ship. It's too late for a refund. Yeah, it's too late for a refund. And I said, oh, what date do you think it'll arrive in Australia? And guess when it's arriving for this great Christmas gift? During the next Labor Government? 17th of January. Okay, so I guess once again, pity buy merchandise from the great entrepreneur, Charles Firth. Look, there's no one still listening at this point of the podcast. We haven't said what's coming up.

Oh yeah, what is coming up? What are you doing, Nana? I'll be talking about COVID-Watch. I'm taking over a little segment from Dom. And two weeks before the American election. We're going to take a look at President Trump's desperate pitch to the nation. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Dana Minow in the Chaser Newsroom. Part-time Prime Minister and full-time Bunnings enthusiast Scott Morrison

has today shot down suggestions that a federal corruption commission should be created in Australia with the Prime Minister pointing out that the country is in the middle of a crisis and that he simply has no time for such trivial matters saying he had far too much work to do building a cubby house for his kids.

Mr Morrison said he didn't believe in wasting time during a national crisis unless it was for a holiday in Hawaii. There is mounting danger across the ditch after incompetent leader Jacinda Ardern won office in a massive landslide. Experts say the wind shows New Zealand is on its way to being a failed state. Oh, wait a minute, sorry.

This isn't a chase a news story. This was a real article in the Australian. My bad. The CIA has launched an immediate probe into how they could allow Bolivia to have had another election without interfering in the final result. The CIA announced plans to rectify the issue by overthrowing the democratically elected socialist government so that Bolivia could get a taste of US-style freedom and democracy.

Sources say a drone strike should fix the issue. That's the latest chaser news. Check out chaser.com.com.com for more updates. Thanks, Beck. Hey, Beck, do you want to buy my toilet paper? Your what? My toilet paper. I've got 8,000 rolls of it.

Have you been hoarding again? You know what the therapist said? No, this is legit this time. Okay, I'll buy one roll. Here, I've got $2. No, no, it's $57. Oh, fuck off. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report.

The Chaser Report is brought to you by the Western Sydney Airport, helping Gladys Verjeckleon get laid since 2015. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. It's time for... So, Dom and Charles, this week, you may have heard the very strict lockdown restrictions have finally been lifted in Melbourne. Yay! No, no, I'm a bit disappointed. I mean, our producer Mike has been living under this for seven months.

I thought we were going to get to double figures. I know. Now he's going to go outside and leave us. He's got a strange sort of... He looks like really exasperated. I've never seen that thing on his face where he's got these teeth. He's smiling? He's smiling.

He's smiling. Look at that. He's happy. Oh, my God. Is he laughing? He's laughing. Wow. I wish Dan Andrews had known.

what's going to do to Mike. Yeah, he would have locked us, he would have locked him back down immediately. Melbourneians can now travel 25 kilometres away from their homes instead of just five. There's no time limit on how long you can leave the house for socialising and exercise. And they can get a haircut. Hey.

How could that? Can you guys even imagine what it's going to be like? It's perfect too because you can drive pretty much anywhere in Melbourne, but you can't get to Geelong. So it's absolutely perfect. What I want to know, remember that guy who got fine for doing the specific butter chicken. Yeah, $1,600 for driving into the CBD to get butter chicken.

Yeah. So what I want to know, has that guy gone and got the specific butter chicken that he wanted? Well, you know, he'll be allowed to now. The restaurant actually said to him, Oh, yeah. We'll give you a year's free butter chicken once the lockdown ends. And someone worked out that he would have to have 92 servings of butter chicken to be ahead. Fine within a year.

That's actually great advertising, like a man would drive so far. They did. They actually put that out. out as an ad. I really want to try it next time. Oh, yeah. Me too. Even though there's still quite a lot of restrictions, one event got the go-ahead yesterday in Melbourne, and that was the Cox's Plate, which is a horse racing event that was set to have up to a thousand people gathered outside. And this is pretty rare, considering that Melbourneites have faced fines of up to $5,000 for just having an

extra person over at their house, and no more than 10 people are allowed at weddings. But apparently over 1,000 people, I mean, up to 1,000 people were allowed at a horse event. It's almost like the horse racing industry has a corrupt relationship with the Victorian government. It could be. I actually went to the Cox Plate years and years ago to film for The Chaser. And that was the loosest, messiest thing I've ever seen, like far more than any Kings Cross. Rich people at a horse race, absolutely loose. So you remember we see that segment, this person votes.

Yeah, yeah. I filmed like 10 clips of people saying incredibly stupid things just at the Cox Plate. Maybe it was a conspiracy by the Victorian government. they're all labour and everything. Yeah. To get rid of all the rich people by infecting them with coronavirus. It would have been a super spreader event. Yes.

You could have probably bet on it at the cock's plate. I mean, that would have been a great idea. But unfortunately, the event was cancelled by the Premier two hours after it was announced. Dictator, Dan. I thank God. Yes. What was going through their mind that they allowed it in the first? Like, who did it?

Apparently, the health minister approved it. But the reason that it got shut down was actually not because it was bad for people's health. It was because of Twitter and social media. So it's a possible Twitter might be good. Well, it's 2020. Anything could be true. Yeah. It's true.

I love the defence that they ran to, which was, no, no, you don't understand. It takes 750 people to actually run the event. The other 250 are just the very, very wealthy owners and their friends. And that was when they had to cancel it. Anyway, now to America, a place that's handling coronavirus, even less. well. Now, this isn't super COVID related, but it is Zoom related, and where would Zoom be without the coronavirus? So this week, I'm sure you've heard, Dom and Charles, that Jeffrey Tubin was busted jerking off in a Zoom chat between members of the New Yorker and

reporters for WBMC. Yeah. How did that happen? I mean, surely if you work for the New Yorker being a wanker is permitted. Yeah. But not necessarily on camera. It's part of your profession. It's part of the job interview, isn't it? He probably thought he was going for a job interview at the New Yorker, and that's why he started wanging. But also, there are so many questions about this. Like, did he have a thing, a fetish for self-pleasure during meetings? Like, was he generally during staff meetings sort of under the table, just having a bit of a go? I don't know.

He did apologise straight away after having. He said, I've made a stupid, stupid embarrassing mistake believing I was off camera. I apologize to my wife, my family, my friends, co-workers, blah, blah. And then he says, I believed I was not visible on Zoom. I thought no one on the Zoom call could see me. I thought I had muted the Zoom video. It's like, do you think that muting the Zoom call takes up your vision? Yes, but yeah, so his whole thing was, I'll do the meeting and I'll have a wane.

And as long as turn off the thing, then there's no problem with that. I mean, he just wanted to multitask. What's so bad about that? Well, so it was a meeting of the New Yorker staff, was it? It was a meeting between WBMs journalists and New Yorker journalists and they were doing an election simulation. I think he's lying. I'm going to call it, he's lying. Which bit?

He wanted to be able to see him, wank. You think he's an exhibitionist? Yes. Well, if you think, like, either it's that or he finds the election simulation pretty sexy. Yes. Pretty sexy. Yes, because all the graphs going up. Yeah, all the graphs going up.

All the people pretending to be Trump and buy. I mean, it is role play at the end of the day. I mean, I've deleted the bookmark for Paul and Harbour off my laptop. It's just 538 now. It just gets me every time. That night's silver. But according to Motherboard, the New York is sent a round an email saying that Jeffrey Tubin has now been suspended and that they're looking into it.

And I think the moral of the story is, do not beat your meat during a Zoom call. Speaking of meat, a company called Hormel Foods have invented a very interesting kind of face mask. It's the smell that won't let me. sleeping dogs lie. Bacon! Where's the bacon? It's on your face. The Hormel bacon folks figured what better scent in which to swaddle your nose.

It's one of those foods that just truly makes everything better. Even a pandemic? They came up with what Hormel calls a smellicious innovation. The breathable bacon mask is now reality, though you have to win the right to wear one. enter for a chance to whiff. Was that recorded during the 1983 pandemic? It's from a clip on CNN.

Is it made of bacon or just smells like bacon? No, it's a bacon scented face mask. Right. So you're just walking through the streets and you're just sniffing bacon the entire time. And it's just you. It's not everyone. It's not like subway and there's a personal subway perfume. Personal bacon scent.

Bacon for you. Wake up and smell the bacon. This is a fantastic product. Yeah. Would you wear it? Would you wear it? but would you go on the draw to win? Yes, and I'd give it to Jeffrey too

because I think it's not really fun to do with that. Yeah, no, I mean, bacon does smell delicious. But wouldn't it just make you hungry? I think there's a logic problem here, which is... You'd be torturing, is it? What you want is an edible, you want it to be made of bacon as well, I think. That's what I like... It would be really hard, like, because you know when you have a stroke

and you're, like, smell the toast, and you'd be smelling the bacon and the toast, and you'd be like, this is bacon and toast. Delicious. And then you die. Also, every dog in the neighborhood would follow you around. Like, my dog goes crazy at the scent of bacon. Yeah. I mean, can you guess how they've injected bacon smell into the...

I am assuming that they have just rubbed bacon on it, surely. Did they smoke bacon underneath it and it just sort of filled the mask up? No, you're both wrong. They did this. So we actually found an ink that we could print on the back of these masks. It smells just like our bacon. So it's a special kind of ink. A bacon-scented ink.

Charles, your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to make the next Chaser book with bacon ink. That is a great idea. I am doing that. Challenge accepted. Yeah, how much is that going to cost $100? Bacon-centered toilet paper coming to you very soon from Charles Ferth's great business venture.

The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. The Chaser Report is brought to you by the new Western Sydney Airport. giving the western suburbs of Sydney equal access to aircraft noise. The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers. Now, Nanderin Charles, it's time to once more. Delve into the filth. It is the American presidential election for a segment that we call.

Trump watches a segment about me, okay? Now, please note, all these clips are from the past week. Donald Trump has been incredibly busy. His strategy to win the election is to have two to three rallies per day, where he flies in on his plane Air Force One or Marine One or whatever, gets out of the plane, stands in front of an adoring crowd, then leaves and does it again somewhere else. So he's been very, very busy. With less than two weeks until the election, he's making his final pitch to the American people.

And he is finally on song after all these months when it comes to COVID-19, presenting himself as the man who can save America. It's a choice between our plan to kill the virus or Biden's plan to kill the American dream. Whoa. I like that. That's a bit snappy. So he's on focus. He's actually saying,

I'm going to solve COVID for the first time. How do you kill the American dream, arguably, is already dead. Yeah. It was killed by COVID. But look, he was on song and on message. And then very shortly after that,

he was off message on COVID. You turn on CNN. That's all the cover. COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID. You know why they're trying to talk everybody out of voting. People aren't buying at CNN, you dumb bass. The crowd liked it. Hang on, he's saying CNN's trying to talk people out of voting.

Isn't Trump trying to talk people out of voting? Yeah. Why is he mad at the news that's doing things that he's supposed to be doing? His technique is to say all possible things at the same time. And then no one can ever hold him to stand it. Genius. Trump is like a multiverse. Yes, he is.

He's like all the different Spider-Men, but he's in one. We'll get to Superman a bit later on too. Then things to send it even further into the Trump multiverse. You know, Biden wants to lock it down. He wants to listen to Dr. Fauci. He wants to listen to Dr. Fauci. That was his attack line that Biden wants to listen to Dr. Fauci. Joe Biden retweeted that clip and just went, dot, dot, dot, yes.

Imagine bragging that your opponent is an idiot for wanting to listen to facts and science. To a really popular, respected scientist. Yeah, who's the head of your own administration in the medical area. Like, he is part of Donald Trump's administration. Trump's his boss. That's how he shuts him up all the time. Yeah. That's insane. So he can't figure out whether his pitch is, I'm going to solve this thing. Or scientists suck. Shut up, nerds.

Now, look, I asked you guys last week if Trump seemed okay. And there's been a lot of questions about his mood and the steroids and all that. I wonder why. One reporter actually asked Trump if he was running scared in this campaign. And you'll never guess what he said. I'm not running scared. I'm running angry because I think I'm running angry. I'm running happy.

I'm running very content. Angry, happy and content. Yeah, those are three personalities. What he's done is he spent four years writing a whole lot of good stand-up. And this is like his final tour. This is... He's laughing. You do stand-up, Nina.

Is this what's going on? Because they're just comedy lines, aren't they? You know what? He's actually been told. His plan for the last debate is to be funny, not to be angry. So let's see if that works out. But Nina, as the comic in the room, Do you like the gear?

No, I think it's, where are the jokes? You know who likes the gear? This crowd. I woke up and I felt good. I said, get me out of here. Boom, Superman. Superman. It's sort of dimitry.

I don't know. It's alternative. He's like, he's going to rip off his head and it's going to be Andy Kaufman and Andy Kaufman will never have died. That's where he was the whole time. Oh, my God. That would be the ultimate.

You know, I kind of want that to have. is he just goes, I got you. I fucking got you. I mean, this is the thing now. They are actually coalescing on a message. We're going to hear a lot about this at the debate. They're trying to put together an October surprise. And Trump is very, very happy about this particular surprise.

We've just learned through explosive documents published by a very fine newspaper, the New York Post, that Joe Biden has been blatantly lying about his involvement in his son's corrupt business deal. So this is the Hail Mary. This is a big smoking gun. At this point in the 2016 campaign, it was all about Hillary's emails. Well, they're playing that tune again. This time, it's a tabloid newspaper dribbling out emails, purportedly swiped from Vice President Joe Biden's son.

This is a big smoking gun. The go-between this time isn't WikiLeaks, but Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani, who says he got the emails from a computer repairman in Delaware. He wanted us to have this. He also thought it displayed numerous crimes. So he gave him to my lawyer. We have the entire hard drive. Giuliani has admitted before to working with a known Russian agent to dig up dirt on the Bidens. So yeah, that was the impeachment scandal. But Rudy's back. And you have to believe

this, if you believe this story, it's extraordinary. So you have to believe that Hunter Biden gave three laptops to this guy to repair. Now this guy, it happens as legally. blind. So he was unable to say who it was that dropped off the laptops. Really? He looked on the laptops, found all this stuff from Hunter Biden, so decided to make a copy of the hard drive and give it to Rudy Giuliani.

What did the email say? Like, what kind of pizza was he ordering? That's what I want to know. Because all the Hillary emails that were good, they're all about pizza and hot dogs. Slice of life stuff. Yeah. So the email claims that Joe Biden met with someone from Burisma, the energy company in Ukraine.

that Hunter sorted it out and that Joe did favours for Burisma. And they've gone back and looked at his diary. He didn't meet with the guy. He was doing other things on the day. It seems like absolute rubbish. And the FBI is playing it down. But not the Trump's in Trump world. They think they've finally got the thing to kill Joe Biden.

I think I know what's happened. What's happened? I think what's happened is they've got to the end of the season. It's like Game of Thrones. I think they've employed the Game of Thrones writers. And it's sort of like the last season and they're just sort of phoning it in like no they're not creating a sort of i reckon we're living in a simulation and i reckon the simulation was created by

do you ever do the thing would you ever do you ever go on the sims yeah yeah yeah family yeah and it's so good and it's yeah it's going really well yeah and then part of you's just like kill him you know yeah yeah the ground from a dragon yeah you know part of he's just like yeah fuck it i'm i'm taking the pool handles out of the pool no yeah fuck it i'm not going to feed him. You know, let's just see what the fuck happened. Like, that, we're living in a simulation and the kid, the kids turned 13 and he's just like, fuck it.

What if, what if I just destroyed this world? Yes, that's it. That makes total sense. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. The Chaser Report is brought to you by the Western City Airport. London, Paris, New York, Badgeries Creek.

It's a global destination. Well, that's it for another week. And, oh, wait a minute. Rebecca Tain Numuno's got some breaking news. Does she? Yes. What's the first time this has happened? The government that has proposed that Azeo

be granted the power to secretly detain people for two weeks has accused Daniel Andrews of being a dictator. Under the proposed changes, Azeo will be able to detain people as young as 14 years old, not to catch spies, but to stop them making fun of the government on TikTok. Thanks, Beck. And thanks to our producer, Mike Liberale, who is now liberated in the state of Victoria. Congratulations, Mike.

And we're going to leave you this week. Oh, well, actually, and also do all the five-star reviews on iTunes and check us out on social. Yeah, Apple Podcasts. Your code this week is abundant toilet paper. Mm. And speaking of which, Charles, haven't you got yet another plug to awkwardly squeeze into our podcast? No, we are very honored to have a sponsor for this episode.

Oh, wow. Is it like koala mattress or? Oh, it's much better than that. Stabs.com? Much better. Mailchimp? Much better. Much better.

New York Times? No, it's me. The New Yorker? Jeffrey Tubin. Well, he could use some of this product. Hi, I'm Charles Firth from Charles Firth's toilet paper. Do you need toilet paper? Doesn't everybody?

Exactly my thought. So why not try Charles Firth's new 2020-themed novelty toilet paper? Sounds great. How much would you expect to pay for four rolls of toilet paper? I don't know, maybe three bucks, four bucks. No, it's custom printed by slave child labour in China. Oh, two bucks? That's right.

It's $39.95 plus $17 posted in. handling. Wait a minute, did you say $17 postage in handling? That's actually very good value for such a bulky item. Yeah, I think I might pass, actually. Or if you prefer, you can just swing by and pick up a roll today. I'll do that. Just venture into rural New South Wales and get a roll of 2020 novelty toilet paper. It's the perfect Christmas gift. Okay, might as well. In stores, February or maybe March 2021. Oh, for fuck's sake. Thank you.