The Chaser Report - Move Over Bonza, There's A New Aussie Airline In Town

Episode Date: June 11, 2024

Dom and Charles feel bad for not buying Bonza Air like they said they would. So to right that wrong, they invent a brand new airline that actually highlights the true Australian spirit. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, I am so sorry. I completely forgot to file the paperwork. What? We didn't get the offer for Bonsor Airlines in before the deadline with the liquidators. Oh, no.

Oh, no. So who ended up buying it? Who ended up... No, no one bought it. There was zero expressions of interest with... Chadwick Hall, the liquidators and so they just had a town hall meeting with the staff. It was more

like an abattoir meeting, Charles, because they all got sacked. 323 staff from Bons are all gone. Oh. You should have got the offer in. I am shocked that an airline that didn't fly to Sydney and didn't fly, it would seem anywhere that anyone actually wanted

to go, would not get any offers. We should have bought it, Charles. We should have bought it. It ends a long list of failed Australian airline. and in the same way that Bob Ancet would be turning in his grave to know that yet another airline has gone bust. Would he be turning in his grave? I'm sure Bob Bonzer is also turning in his grave.

Or would Bob's corpse be as grounded as his fleet was? I'm not sure. Let's talk more about this in a moment. Now, it is sad. Look, it is sad. We'll try and figure it out in a sec. But I just want to hear from the secretary just to remind us that there's people whose livelihoods were affected by this.

devastating news for 323 workers and their families who've had confirmation at last from the administrators that their employment will be terminated with Bonzer think about the discussions that are going on on those families today our thoughts are with them no don't think about the family because we'll start to feel too sad that's the Transport Workers Union boss there who's very very sad but look it can't have been a huge shock

this is the thing the idea they're only just had confirmation that it wasn't that Bonza wasn't coming back? I mean, the triumph of optimism over logic. It wouldn't have been a shock. It wouldn't have been a shock when it actually, you know,

went into administration a month ago. Surely the biggest shock was getting a job with Bonzer in the first place. You want me to fly between Townsville and Rockhampton? I mean, I would have felt the first surprise came when, A, you saw the ad for an airline called Bonza. Two, when you applied for a job there, surprising yourself.

Third, when they said, yes, we have gainful employment for you, at Bonza, and looking at the route map, yeah, I mean, if you wanted to fly from Aubrey to Mackay or, I don't know, Gladston, I don't even know where Gladston is, Gladston to, it's Toowoomba Well Camp. I assume that means there's a closer Toowoomba Airport that they can't afford to get into. It was not. It's the, it's the Avalon of Toowo. That's right. I just think they should have sold it to us.

I mean, we, we, surely, if I got the paperwork and we would have had. had the best offer, by virtue of it being the only offer. Well, I reckon, I mean, there's a lot of panhandlers around, because there's a recession on. I mean, I know that there's not technically a recession, but we're definitely in a recession. It feels like a recession. There's lots of panhandlers. They should have just given it to a panhandler. It would have been worth five bucks.

That's so mean. One of those squidgy guys, you know the guys, you know how there's so many people who want to clean your windscreen now, and you have to explain, I haven't carried cash in five years. Cash is no longer a thing. Yeah. I'm just looking at the route map. Just the capital cities where they fly, Charles. Sydney, yes or no?

No. Brisbane? Oh, they would have flown into Brisbane. No. Gold Coast and Sunshine Coast. And Toowo. So they kind of encircled Brisbane without ever actually going there. Hobart, what do you reckon?

No. No, they went fuck that. We're going to go to Launceston. What about Adelaide? Do you think they flew to Adelaide? They would have flown to Adelaide, definitely. No, no. Far too Ritzie.

For bottom of it. Yep, apparently. Not even Adelaide. Gosh, that is bottom of the barrel. What about Perth? Nah. No. In fact, the map of Australia on their website that shows where they fly doesn't even show West Australia.

It's quite extraordinary. It's kind of cut off. Well, I kind of agree with that. That's the one thing where I thought Bonzer got it right was just cutting off Western Australia. Okay. What about Canberra? Yeah, they probably went to Canberra. No, they did go to Camber.

They went to Aubrey, which is vaguely in the same direction. There's nothing between Newcastle and Aubrey. Albury's the Wadonga of Canberra. No, no. Aubrey's the Canberra of Wadonga. Yes, that's right. So there's nothing in the most populated kind of corridor of the whole state there, of the whole country. But they went to Melbourne Avalon, didn't they?

So here's a surprising one. They went to Melbourne Avalon and Melbourne Tullamarine. So they flew to two airports in Melbourne and no other state or territory capital at all in the entire country except for one. Darwin. Yeah. Of course they went to Darwin. They went to Darwin. They did.

So I suppose maybe, look, I know that this might sound horrendously defamatory. You can't defame the dead. Bonds is pretty dead. Do you think that they were just, it was an elaborate drug running operation? But because if you think about it. You can't have a profitable drug running operation

that doesn't go to Bondi, can you? Ah, yeah. All right, I'm looking at the FAQs here, the frequently asked questions. What the fuck happened Is not on the list Traveling with an assistant's dog Can I fly with my assistant's dog

It says we welcome them No you don't Bonser Bucks Here's a good one What's Bonser Bucks Oh they give you Bonser Bucks If your flight is delayed extensively which

Arguably See look When the airline went under I may have been very poor But I was a Bonser billion A Bonser Buc Biller Bonds a Bucs Yeah

About Bonser Who are we Australia's new and only independent low-cost airlines servicing domestic and regional routes in Australia. They deliver simple and great value domestic travel. They had such high hopes, Charles. I think that this speaks to a wider problem, though.

Yeah, I've just hoped in anything. No, that Australia isn't good at capitalism. Oh. I think we need to start jettisoning. See, if Bonza had some sort of military reason to exist, You know, like, if there was some sort of national security angle, they could have got money out of that pie. This is the problem. They didn't have submarines.

If they had a submarine service between, I don't know, Mildjura and the Sunshine Coast, they still be running. Exactly. Or even if they didn't want to go into defence, I reckon selling cheap ship from China is another good business model. Like, you know, the sort of Harvey Norman thing. Air T-moot. Well, maybe what they should have done is they should have loaded up their 747s or 737s. With iron ore Oh, what a good idea

To China That's a much better Or like Why don't have a flying casino Like for too long I mean there's casinos on cruise ships There's casinos in I don't know Places like Macau and Vegas

Why don't we have pokies in the air What have we what are we missing It's an obvious business model There'd be tax advantage Of course they would You know what would be Also good is you could solve the housing crisis Because it would probably be cheaper

because the fares were really cheap. They were. People should have just, like, millennials and Gen Z, who can't afford a home, should have just booked constant fares on Bonsor Airlines. It would have worked out cheaper than renting $1.000. It probably would have been cheaper than a night train. I'm just looking at the website. It's so sad because, I mean, they haven't been able to afford to change anything, Charles,

all except one page, which you go click on careers and it says page not found. Oh. So, I mean, what might have been? They flew too close to the sun and too close to the sun. Stone Coast, I feel. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. I've actually just figured out what their problem was, which is that they were trying to do airfeds for the poor, the Povos, wasn't it?

Yeah, yeah, there was low cost, yeah. And that works, you know, in Ryanair and, you know, in Europe and stuff like that. But here, we don't gear our society towards Povos, we gear it towards the top end of town. Oh, yes indeed. What it should have been is it, it should have been every. seat was first class and you know you get to sit on a povo or something like that you know what i mean like i think the whole why australia sees it's like it was trying to hark back to oh bonza you know their planes were getting things like shieler and sharon and shazza that's not australia in 2024 we

don't do that stuff anymore what we do is we shit on the pool right and the dispossessed and we're a nasty horrible racist nation as laura tingle is quite rightly pointed out so i think it should leant into that sort of identity. It should have been called like Posho Airlines. VIP. And it should have been. And, oh, this is the Charles.

We needed a chairman's lounge airline. Yes. They haven't taken it far enough. What we need is the exclusivity doesn't just stop on the ground. You can't go on this. It's like a private party. Like there's a bouncer at the door. Yes.

And it's for people, it's for people who own property, basically, is who it's for. Renters are just not allowed. Rendors are not allowed. Millennials. Anyone by the age of 40. Yeah. Forget about it. There's a prayer room for the people who, politicians.

Yes, of course. To sort of go and have sex. There's a place where you can launch defamation suits. Maybe there'd be an on-board, you know how... An onboard barrister. An onboard barrister where you can launch defamation suits from 30,000 feet. Yes, and also maybe if the plane goes up high enough out of Australian airspace, you could just do insider trading.

Would that be allowed? I'm not sure what the rules are. Yeah. Yeah, and so crypto? Well, I think inside trading's basically allowed on it on the ground. That's true. Who's going to find it about it? If you look at ASIC.

Buy and sell crypto, buy and sell people. I think that... And as you're flying into Canberra, you can buzz the ASIC building, like in open content. You can drop. The toilet's empty over the ASIC building as it comes into land in Camber. Yeah. You just openly flout the law on top of ASIC. What would you call it instead of...

Well, you wouldn't call it Bonser anymore. or what would be an appropriate attitude. You'd call it nine entertainment airlines. Nine air. Or, no, no, you'd call it. Instead, virgin, it could be fucked. Oh, you'd call it, you'd call it Parliament Airlines. Parliament Airlines.

Yeah. Yeah. Or Air CEO. Or ASX 200. C-suite. That's good. I like C-suite. Because everyone on it would be a pack of C's, wouldn't they?

Yeah, C-suite deals. C-suite? deals where you pay extra, but it doesn't matter because it's on your expense account. See, that's how we'd make it profitable. Yeah, see, that would work. And instead of gambling, I mean, I suggested before that perhaps you had pokey's in the air. Charles, you'd gamble with the entitlements of the staff and everyone's well-being, just like the owners of bonds a dead.

You would get paid regardless. You couldn't possibly lose money flying this airline, but the staff could at any point. Just get retrenched. And in keeping with true traditional Australian value, the Wi-Fi on board would be absolutely shit it would just like the internet connection would be like mbn level that's harsh that's very harsh who's going to run it we need somebody to run it i mean Bruce lemon could you know supply it oh yes Bruce lemon could you know we get we get uh the mile the mile higher the club the it she knows club how far out of Australian airspace have you got to be before you can

you know bring out the mirror yeah I don't know that's true like if you manage because I'm going overseas later this year. If I managed to smuggle some Coke on board, like, is it legal when I'm in international waters to take that cocaine? I think that the laws of the country where it's sort of registered apply throughout the whole flight. So if you're rich enough by the time you fly, you can do it if you like under the law of Australia. Yeah, right. Okay. Yeah, well, that's the point. Yeah, we don't even need to worry about the law, do we? Because this will just be executives. There is one senior executive figure who's suddenly and unexpectedly on the market. potentially run this thing, Charles. I talk, of course, of Peter Costello.

Peter Costello, yes. And if anyone gets aboard and tries to ask any uncomfortable questions to the C-suite passengers, I think you need a door that opens, frankly, for a little bit of a mid-air shirt front. They get door-stopped. I am the chairman of the C-suite airlines. Get off my plane. Door-swapped, door stopped out the door. Yeah, I love it. I think not only is this a good idea, but we don't even need to make it happen. This is just someone's going to do this for sure. Yeah. Well, I think it's essentially what we've described is basically Qantas.

Wouldn't this airline run on time? Oh, yeah. No, it would. You couldn't be Qantas. And you'd have customer satisfaction. And it wouldn't lose your baggage. And you'd want to serve nice food and stuff as well. Yeah.

You'd have to. You'd have to. It'd be C-suite airlines, yeah. Should we crowd fund it? You don't need to crowd fund it. You just need to, you know, put it out to the right people. And I reckon, as long as you promised to hang a really, flattering portrait of Gina Reinhardt in each.

That's what it should be. On the tail of the plane is a very flattering portrait of Gina Reinhart. That's what you have instead of the logo. Look, there's a whole lot of spared aeroplanes that Bons has now got. Why don't we, um, yeah, we'll just, I mean, I don't think I can afford to fly this airline that we're starting, but I reckon the right people will. Well, that's part of the sales pitch, isn't it? Guarantee, Dom won't be on board.

Yeah. Thank you very much. All right. Gary is from Road. We're part of the O'Connor Class Network. And we'll catch you next time. See ya.