The Chaser Report - My Big Fat Albanese Wedding

Episode Date: November 17, 2024

With an election on the horizon, Albanese is going to need all the help he can get if he's going to try and lose this one. Thankfully, Dom and Charles have all the tips he needs. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Hello, Charles. So good to be here, although not in the same room, as I'm sure people can tell by the audio. You've been spending the entire day working, and you've just taken some time with the podcast. Your commitment to this podcast is so admirable, may I say. I've been doing nothing else today at all.

This is the highlight of my day, and it's only going to go for 15 minutes. minutes or so. Yeah, well, you've just been waiting for these 15 minutes, really, haven't you? I have. This is really it for the day. I mean, I told my kids, I'm sorry. It's good to see you before I dump you at your school and your childcare centre. It's fine, but just so you know, Uncle Charles is going to be the highlight of my day. The podcast, the kind of alchemy, the comedy alchemy that happens. That's what I'm hanging out for. Okay. I just open the microphones and start recording. What have you got for us, Charles? What can you thrill our loyal band of listeners with today? Talking of comedy alchemy, Anthony Aberneesie has made a little bit of a faux par and seems to have revealed what the election date's going to be.

All right. Let's get into that right after this. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. Fizz is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. We're assuming that, as listening to the Chaser Report, you give a shit when the election date is, by the way. Most Australians don't. We realise that, but we assume you do. So if you don't actually give a shit, just stop listening.

That's the joy of podcasting. We're not forcing you to be here. For those who've continued with the podcast, we're all on Tendogs. And Charles, we've got to get our plans for the podcast to go back into election mode as well. So we need to know the date. This is important information. So the thing is he had a chat to one of the state premiers. I think it's the West Australian run.

And I think it's Western Australia go to their election on March the 8th. And its premier is now looking into changing the date of that election, all right? Oh. And that totally coincides with my little information that I can't reveal the sources of, which say that actually, even though they're going to. they're pretending that they're going to go full term and that it'll be May, that actually it won't be. It'll be more like probably late February or early March. Well, that's consistent with that. So, yes. So the last election was in May 2022.

It seems like a million years since we've had Anthony Alamedesi, delighting us as Prime Minister as manner that he has. Or perhaps not. Yeah, it seems like a very, very, people are calling this already the third term of the red government, Charles. That's how critical people are of Albo's performance. Anthony Aberneesie now has numbers, which are as bad as Scott Morrison's personal numbers were on the day of the election. That's how bad his numbers are. It's unbelievable.

Scott Morrison's numbers. Scott Morrison, like it is... You mean the man who was so unpopular that basically the coalition self-immolated at the last election? Yes, exactly. And it's... Opening the door for the Teals to pretty much take the whole of the... inner city heartland of the Liberals. Because apparently all the polling shows that Dutton is also quite toxic.

And I was talking to somebody who tests messages and ads and things of that for, you know, various organisations. And he's saying you put Dutton in an ad and essentially, yeah, you totally win. because he's such a turn-off. But his numbers... His numbers actually... So both leaders just despise. Yeah, they're level pegging.

And I think it's really confounding Labor Insiders because their whole approach was going to be, well, we don't have any policies. But what we do have is Peter Dutton. He'll be our magic weapon. We'll just run on... We'll just point out that Peter Dutton exists and we'll win the election.

And now that's not going to happen. So I'm calling... this election for the teals right now and and the grains and the teals will win a majority yeah yeah why not so what allegra spend is going to be prime minister rosalie daniel oh wouldn't that be unbearable like someone like that well that oh my one of my favorite details by the way just just on a little bit of a diversion here charles is i don't know whether you saw so james brown and malcolm's former son-in-law is running for brumman bishop's old seat of mckella right up at the tip of the northern beaches where all the beach houses are in that unwinnable now

Because of the teals? Sophie Scomps is in. And interestingly, the local party thought, look, you've really got to run a woman against Sophie Scomps. To beat a teal, you need a female candidate. They had a strong local candidate. Apparently, he lived there for a long time. And instead, they went with a man.

That's just the way coalition pre-selections work. James Brown, look, I know James Brown. He's a very competent person. But given that he's just bought Allegra Spender's former weekender in the neighbourhood, I don't know how deep his connections to the neighbourhood go. I don't know the answer. But if they're parachuting in a man who's lived somewhere else, this might go about as well as Christina Keneally.

But who knows? I would be surprised if it's even on their radar to win for the lives. Like my understanding is it's a little bit like the same way that whenever the Labor Party loses a seat to the Greens, they then find it very hard to get those seats back. I think that that might give a case of deals. Well, we should have told James, the poor bloke's bought a house. He's bought a house.

I think there's worse things in life than buying a beachside house. Just ask Anthony up and me. But, Charles, I think we need, don't we need an Airbnb service for parachuting in candidates? It's very awkward to have to buy a house if you can't win the seat. We should. We need a sort of political Airbnb and just, you know, a couple of weeks should have, like, like deep links like it should actually have deep roots or something like there should be a tree with really deep roots so they can actually say i've got deep roots in this community well in the

house yeah in the house is defense i'm sure the house has been in the electorate for many years yeah yeah exactly yeah i like that great idea all right just you can just buy deep links in the electorate i love it look for all i know james grew up in the electric i don't know but um he has clearly just bought in the electorate, anyway. It's just funny that Allegra Spender has houses to spare, apparently, for any aspiring Liberal MPs. I wonder if she's got, you know, one Kuyong or something, or any, Goldstein, who knows. Anyway. Oh, look, I think chances are if you buy a really nice beachside house in Australia, it'll have been owned by Allegra Spender, I think, at some point. And I mean, to be fair, even if he just doesn't win and just never set for the electorate again, he will have made a

million dollars because it's Sydney property. Yeah, yes, because the point is, it's going to be, and I think actually just looking at the weekend's news, they've all started their messaging. Like, Labor's, it's already started. Like, there's so much stuff online about how Labor is not the same as the Coalition. That's their messaging at the moment, which I find really weird that they need to say that out loud, but it must be, like, all those messages are tested to within an inch of their life. So if that's the sort of case line that they're running with, we're not actually

the Liberal Party, even though everyone thinks we've basically got the same policies, then there you go. That's what the election will be about. And I think that that's basically, hey, you can't believe we're not liberals. Yeah, yeah. And it's been around things like union, right, some things are there. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes.

Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. The Chaser Report. News you know you can't trust. Okay, so February, March, election. date, it's all been semi-eat. It's bold of Albo

to go early. I think this is a double bluff. There's no way. There's no way that anyone would think that Albo should gamble on going early. Is there? I mean, what's the... Surely you want to be promoted for every week

possible. But don't you think that nothing... Like, I watch Albo's pro-ministerhip and I go nothing makes sense. So that's why I go, oh, maybe it's true because it just doesn't make any sense. You go, oh, yeah, that is the sort of thing that Alba would do.

It might be the same sort of strategic brain that gave us the $4.3 million house. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He's had a chat to Jody and I reckon it's to do with his wedding, to be honest. I think the thing is you don't, you never want to have a wedding. Of course. You don't want to have a wedding in winter. And if they go to the election in May, then, because he said he's going to have the wedding after the election night, it'll end up being a winter election.

Whereas if they have it in March, then they can then have a nice wedding while the weather's still quite nice. That's true. Yeah. So I reckon it's being driven by those sorts of exigencies, which are fair enough. So it could be. Yeah. I mean, the state of a nation doesn't take precedence over your wedding plans, does it? I mean.

So, Charles, okay. Work-life balance. Let's try and map this out, okay. Let's say your elbow and Jody, and you're trying to figure out the best date, do you go, okay, well, I'm going to lose the election, so let's get it over in February, then we can just have a bit of fun. But don't you reckon? Having it afterwards in the House.

Or do you go, no, no, I'm going to have it in January at Kiribilly House and get Kyle Sandelands to come and, I assume Kyle Sandelands will be performing the wedding. Yes. Try and get some positive coverage of it, except in Melbourne. Yes. Or he's hated. And so, because you'd be wanting to have the wedding at Kiribili House. You know, I mean, that's...

Well, yes. Surely that's a thing you'd do. Yeah, and I reckon if I was Jody, I would go, I want to be first, what do we call them here? Are they first lady, first woman? She don't really have a name for it. Oh, right. I want to be actually married to the prime minister while he's still prime minister, which means you'd be wanting to go before the election.

But I think he's ruled that out. He's already ruled that out. He said, no, no, no, I'll just do it after the election. Which I think is crazy as well. Like, if there's one electorally, like everyone loves a wedding, That's why you always have a wedding episode whenever Soapie's sink in the ratings. That's what we need. He's got it all ass about, hasn't it?

He needs to completely pump this thing up. Make it a massive publicity junk. He needs to get everyone there. Yes. And then Labor... Even Peter Dutton has to go. Labor leaders only ever win during their honeymoon anyway. So...

I've got it. Charles. He needs to call the election and the wedding on the same. Yeah, so the whole Peter Dutton, he invites all of the Coalition, senior coalition, they'll have to go. They have to go.

And they can't campaign. And they can't campaign. Oh, that is brilliant. And it's positive coverage. And like, the Bucks Knight should coincide with the great debate. Yes, that's right. And so he turns up drunk by Kyle Sanderlans.

Yeah, he turns up drunk with, you know, like a sort of tie around his head and, you know, like. And Australians will love him. And they'll just love him. They'll go, that's the elbow we've, always wanted. And the message from Labor, like on the hoardings on the election day, will be, you wouldn't, you wouldn't vote against the guy on his wedding day. On his wedding day.

And he'd ruin his wedding, don't ruin Arbo's wedding day. That'll be the pitch to the nation. Yes. Give him a wedding gift to remember. I reckon that. And get ads with Jody. And that also, that separates. Don't ruin my wedding. That separates the two parties as well because Dutton's not getting married. So they've got a clear distinction between the two parties. parties. One is the party that's getting married and the other party is already married. That's right. That's right. Yeah. As has been for a very long time to Kirillie, I'm sure they're married.

And I reckon that's the... So that's a big pitch. That's the starkest distinction you can draw, really, at this stage. I mean, that is the one thing I could see, unless they've got some brilliant idea we don't know about, but that's the one thing I could imagine, the one card elbow hands. I think you've solved it. And also, no one's going to challenge him. You've solved it.

I can't believe. Are you sure you're not on Labor Party payroll? Like, that is genius thinking. That is, I'm impressed. But also any, any conservatives out there in the heartland who are going, oh, I don't like that the prime minister's living in sin. Yes. There's your chance.

Yeah, make a decent man. Make an honest man of him. Yes. Well, I don't think we need to do anything more. Let's just go. Like, you've solved, you've... Do you think we'll be invited as a result of having solved this issue? Yeah, definitely.

Just before we go, Charles, just one thing. It's one thing. we've got to be fair. I am. We've given Labour the benefit of our wisdom and our advice. How does Peter Dutton counter this? What do we advise Peter Dutton to do? We?

I've got it. I'm getting good at this strategy. Yeah, you're on fire today. What are we going to do? A boat. It's at Kiribili House, Charles. Yes. A boat arrives.

Yes. A boat of illegal immigrants arrives at Kiribili. And he has to stop them. And will Albo stop the boats on his wedding day? And Peter Dutton. Yes. Alboes, it happens right during the ceremony. Alboes, you know, he's standing at the altar.

He can't possibly do anything. Yes. Petit up and just strips off his suit. He's got a wet suit underneath. And he single-handedly goes out there and sinks the boat. And I stop these. I stop these. And then everyone would go, fuck, who do I vote for?

The guy who is getting married or. I can't vote for Albo. Yeah, I can't trust Albo on boats anymore. Fuck. I can't trust Albo on boats. Yes. I'll go for the weirder who brought a wetsuit to a wedding And a snorkel

And there's some sort of, I don't know, giant spike To drive a hole on the side of the boat It'd be some orcus related piece of Some orcus related bit of hardware, wouldn't it? Oh, he could borrow Scott Morrison's trophy The one that says, I stop these That's spikey, isn't it? Couldn't he use that to blow a hole in an inflatable dinghy?

imagine if he did that. Peter Dutton wins the election right there. Yeah, no, that's in the bag. We've just won the election for the coalition. You've just won it. I can't believe it. Fuck, you're on fire. This is going to be a close race.

And this is going to be the most exciting election since children overboard. I should be charging for this advice, shouldn't I? You should. You'd make a mozza. All right, all right. Whoever, whichever side emails first on podcast at chaser.com. I'm taking bids for strategic advice for election. just get on board for the highest bidder.

Yeah, do it. Hi, Don. Allegra Spender, if you've got a spare house, I'm willing to revise you instead. We're part of the Acona Class Network. We'll catch you tomorrow. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important.

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