The Chaser Report - New Year's Eve Special

Episode Date: December 30, 2020

In this special show - specially recorded by the team on New Years Eve (and definitely not pre-recorded a couple of weeks earlier), the team talks about their New Year's Resolutions. Charles looks at what world leaders were saying about 2020 exactly one year ago. Nina talks about her disgusting coffee-based lifestyle and Dom looks back on the year in movies. Plus Rebecca De Unamuno, wows the world with her breaking news reports that are so new that even she doesn't know what she's going to say. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the New Year's Eveish edition of The Chaser Report. We have Zoe Norton Lodge, Nina Oyama, Charles Firth, me Dom Knight, And once again, our amazing news reader, Rebecca Dayunamuno, has been improvising the news. We found that just throwing random phrases it back and getting her to riff is better than the carefully prepared chase in news headlines we've been doing all year.

Becky, you ready for more breaking news? I think I am, yes. There's been a new discovery in medicine. A new discovery in medicine. Dieting makes you fatter. It seems as though women have been trying for years to crash diet, to burn the calories, and to avoid eating certain foods in order to attain a body image that is purely ridiculous and imposed on society by mostly men.

It seems as though women have decided to embrace the diet is shit movement and are embracing for a new year full of carbs, sugar of all varieties and alcohol. And in North Korea, a scientific experiment gone horribly wrong, Beck. North Korea is aghast at the fact that Godzilla did not regenerate and take over the city. It seems as though after several years of trying to create the giant lizard creature from films of the past, North Korea misstepped and added a weapon to the eyes of Godzilla causing destruction throughout the business district.

And what happened to the big banana? The big banana is now rotten. And the government said, the government said, the government. government is cautioning against hang gliding over the next week because... Yes, the government says hang gliding is a stupid idea. Why would you want to get up in something that doesn't even resemble a plane properly and fly around in a tiny helmet looking at the things that you can see from a tall building? said Scott Morrison during a photo opportunity on a hang glider with a helmet,

looking over the view of the things he can see from the top of his building. And where is Scott Morrison on holiday this year? Scott Morrison has decided to holiday in his backyard. with five camera crews, a journalist, and also a live studio audience. He will be taking every opportunity to record his barbecuing, he's mowing the lawn, he's plucking out weeds with his thongs, and also the bindi dance. I know that this is a podcast and therefore edited,

but you need to understand, Beck comes up with this. She starts talking less than one second after the offer. It is truly exciting stuff to watch. Coming up in this episode of The Chaser Report. Well, I'm going to be looking at one year ago today, what world leaders were saying. And I'm going to be looking back at the movie highlights of 2020. And spoiler all that, not many movie highlights of 2020. And I'm going to tell a story about a big event that happened to me that involved cockroaches,

which I think is a good metaphor for 2020. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by OverseA. Overpriced champagne. Is there any other kind? The Chaser Report. Now with Extra Whispers. So it's New Year's Eve. We've had a big year. And so I thought, you know, why don't we look back exactly one year ago and find out what the

world leaders were saying about what would happen in 2020? If I remember New Year's Eve 2019, I spent 11 hours doing bushfire coverage. So it wasn't a great point in my. my life, but I'm sure other world leaders were, you know, upbeaten. Are you calling yourself a world leader in this context? Other world leaders. I was just imagining. I was just imagining.

I was just imagining that at least some world leaders are going, fuck Australia's in trouble. I'm pretty sure our world leader was in Hawaii at this time last year. But, um... So we'll start in the UK with none other than Boris Johnson. Now, you might have seen a tweet going around this week. This is actually what gave me the idea for the segment, which is he put on Twitter on New Year's Eve 2019, him with two thumbs up

and he wrote, this is going to be a fantastic year for Britain. It's been doing the rounds because it's so beautifully ironic. But so I decided I decided to dig up his New Year's Eve address to the nation. Wow.

And I think he really nailed what 2020 would be like. We have so much to look forward to in 2020, with the Summer Olympics in Tokyo, Euro 2020, the Games in London and Glasgow, the final at Wembley, and the UN Climate Change Summit also in Glasgow. All cancelled. All postponed to 2021.

All those events that he listed. Well, he can just use the same speech tonight. And be making that speech to tens of thousands of fewer Britons. He do his own fuck up. So anyway, then he goes on and he talks about all the great things that are going to happen, and he really works up a bit of a head of esteem by the end and starts making predictions about just how prosperous 2020 and the whole 20s in general for Britain would be.

Let's come together and go forward with confidence into the 20s, an exhilarating decade of growth, prosperity and opportunity. Together, folks, let's make 2020 the start of something. something special. We're certainly at the start of something. Who let him do his speech on Opposites Day? Yeah. And hadn't he just been re-elected with a massive amount

and gotten Brexit through? And he was just saying, I'm just amazing at being prime ministering. My prime ministering is just very, very high level. Yeah, yeah. Oh, God. So, but Boris Johnson wasn't a line in his approach to 2020. I mean...

It was a different time, though. Like, we have to remember. Like, usually when people say, it's a different time. You say like 10 years ago, oh, that was a different time. But six months ago, whatever it was,

11 months ago. It was. It was a different time. It was sort of like the 1970s. It was far away from... That was 20 years ago, yeah, exactly. I just say I really enjoyed Nina's two inaccurate estimations

how long ago, exactly one year ago was. Like, it's New Year Z. We're talking about last New Year's Eve. Like, it was six months ago or 11 months ago. I mean, they're both really bad guesses. I mean, most people would say that it felt more than a year ago,

rather than half. Anyway, that's all right. Anyway. Look, time is just a construct. That's something I've learned over lockdown. It doesn't exist. But next, I want you to listen to what Xi Jinping predicted for 2020. You just say Ji He did.

And I was like, that's my president. How do you pronounce the Chinese president's name again, Chelsea? Xi Jinping. All right. Let's have a listen. Let's have a listen. See? Buf shallhawah.

Comtonginge 20-20-Nand-da-da-lai. Should you think he was saying in 2020, no one's going to make like a joke about how they can't understand what I'm saying. Yeah, I think he was.

He was like, I'm going to make a meme. I'm going to hold out. I was assuming that we have a... That wasn't even... That wasn't even Xi Jinping's real voice. That was just Charles making up random words. No, that was, I'll give you the direct translation, just in case you don't know Mandarin, which is let's seize the day and live it to the full and greet the arrival of the year 2020 together.

I wish you a very happy year as it is going to be prosperous. No, it's going to be, we are building a moderately prosperous society in all respects. I like he's a bit more realistic. He put moderately, like you can't promise people in the world not deliver. Hang on, wasn't he already dealing with COVID? Yes, absolutely he was, yeah. They were just getting ready to nail the doors shut in many Wuhan apartments. Not on the 1st of January.

Yeah, no, they had cases. He knew. He would have known about it. Oh, he knew. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he knew. That's why he put the moderately in. Yeah, that's true. The last minute, edit. Yeah, moderately.

Okay, but the best world leader by far, of course, was Trump. And look, I think he was as spot on with his prediction as you'd imagine. Happy New Year. We're going to have a great year. I predict. I think it's going to be a fantastic year. We had the best economic year, I think, in our country's history. Best economic year in our country's history.

Now, he was then asked about his New Year's resolution. No one's picked this up yet, but I think I've got a bit of a scoop here because he seemed to think that New Year's resolutions were a bit like, you know, birthday wishes and you had to keep them secrets. I'm not sure you're supposed to say resolution out loud, okay? So we don't want to, I don't want to say what my resolution is because I think we jinx it. So what do you reckon he then goes on to do? Like once he says, if I say my resolution out loud, I'm going to jinx my resolution.

So under his breath, he goes, pandemic. No, no. Oh, I think he literally, the next thing he says is the resolution out loud. Yes. And then does he jinx it? And then he's going to jinx for the whole world because this is his resolution. But I can tell you, we have a good, we've. really have a good resolution and it's a resolution for our country. We love our country. Our

country has never done better than it's doing right now. We have the best unemployment numbers. We have the best employment numbers. We rebuilt our military. We cut taxes down the lowest in history, biggest tax cut ever. We're doing great. Our country is really the talk of the world. Well, at least that turned out to be true. I mean, one of them was true. Like maybe he just thinks the best unemployment numbers are just the most. The Chaser Report, less news, less often. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by overpriced champagne. There's no more appropriate way to celebrate at the end of 2020

than with a product that completely rips you off and leaves you feeling tired and groggy in the morning. The Chaser Report, more news, less often. So, Dom Charles and Zoe, I don't know if. you know this, but I'm an absolute fiend for coffee. Like, I love coffee, but I have no idea how to make it at home, right? What do you mean? Well, it's like proper coffee that's made at a cafe,

and then there's like all this random ways you can make it at home, but it's like seems really difficult. So I've just been drinking Ness Cafe 43 my entire life until at the beginning of 2020, I found a coffee pod machine fully functioning near new under my kitchen sink. Really? How did you do that? I was cleaning my kitchen because I live in a house full of boys and I was like, you know what?

I'm going to clean it for once. Don't worry, they clean it. No, I'm not having it got them. But I found this like full coffee machine. I was like, this is sick. Now I can like make really nice coffee with my like sweet little coffee pod. Was it your flatmates or was it left there by the old tenant? I think it was left there by old flatmates.

Right. And just kind of stayed under there. But, um, because like there's quite a high rotation of people in my house. But anyway, basically I just started using this coffee machine. Like every day. until like June July and around June July it started like sputtering and making all these weird noises and so like I lifted up the coffee machine and it was um filled with cockroaches oh yeah and so do you think that they moved in after you started reusing it or had that been their

home and you'd sort of taken over their home to make coffee with well I'm not entirely sure and they also like it wasn't super it wasn't like a swarm whatever it was just like I would lift up the lid and then these tiny little bug thing, tiny little cockroaches would be, like, crawling around in there. The German ones. And they weren't just your, like, ex-flatmates from the high rotation. I meant they could have been, but I don't know. Yeah, right.

And because you know that cockroach poo looks almost identical to coffee grounds. Why? I didn't know that. It really does. Are you serious? Oh, my God. Well, anyway, look, I just like to take. Are there coffee grounds inexplicably in the bottom of your coffee?

Yeah, like every day. Yeah. Anyway, but like, well, I decided to take action. So have you been sick much in the last six months? No, not at all. I've actually been quite healthy. Immunity boost. Yeah.

You know, I think it's extra protein. Some of the best coffee in the world is when they feed the coffee beans to the sivet. Yes. And the sivet poos it out. So maybe it's the same cockroaches. I don't know. I think this is like a Kafka situation, like metamorphosis.

You've actually just been eating your flat mates who've become cockroaches. Oh my God. That's so true. Well, anyway, I decided to take action, though. because I was like, I can't have a coffee machine that's full of cockroaches. So if you guys want to guess what I did? Like, what would you do if you found a machine that was... Well, can I guess what you did?

Okay, yeah. So I bet you got a whole lot of mortine and just sprayed it. Let off a bum. Yeah, and just sprayed the machine, even though it's your coffee machine and then you would be drinking the mortine. That is actually really close to what I really did. No, so what I did was I boiled a kettle and then I just poured boiling a kettle and then I just poured boiling hot water all through the coffee machine. You killed your ex-flatmates?

Yeah, I killed all my little bugs. I think that's sensible because it's like a natural killer. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. It's like, you know, that way, because I was thinking of doing that, but I was like, it's obviously going to poison me. Yes, yes. I didn't want to get poisons. It's not what I want to do.

So I poured boiling water into it, and it was like fine for two months. No cockroaches. Anyway, kind of in like September, October. they started coming back. Yeah. They started coming back. And guess what I did? Did you put the mortane this time?

No, I just live with it now. I just decided. I just like live with these cockroaches now. And I'm pretty sure they are pooping in my coffee. But I was thinking like, I was like thinking like that's kind of like a great metaphor for 2020, right? Because like this pandemic came out of nowhere, just like my coffee machine came out of nowhere.

And then like people tried to get rid of it. And they were like, you know, trying to make this virus go away. And then eventually we realized, this is the new normal. But Nina, that's not the lesson from 2020, which the lesson from 2020 is that when humans spend too much time with animals and creatures, disease vectors happen. You are now the patient zero for the cockroach virus. But also like, look, just calm down a minute, Dom. Because, like, you know, I've been to places where, like, you have really expensive coffee that are cats shut out. Have you ever had that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so maybe this is just a new thing. Maybe you could team up with Charles and have a really terrible business together. That's fantastic. Codroach coffee. The Chase's Cockroach coffee. I love that. I don't understand.

Like, so I just can't understand why you don't just clean your coffee machine more regularly so you don't have cockroaches. No. How hard is that? It's hard to clean this coffee machine. It's a pod machine. So it's got a lot of little moving pieces. And the only way you can clean it is if you just run water through the machine. Do you leave it plugged in?

Sorry, the only way you can clean it is to run water through the machine. Oh, my God. But I do that. That mystical cleaning method of running water through the machine, too complicated for Nina. It doesn't get rid of the cockroaches. I think they like it because it's warm and it's wet and it's moist inside there. And they're just very happy. They live for two months.

No, but that's when the water was boiling. There's the difference between like hot and boiling. Anyway, do you leave it switched on at all times? Yes. That is why they're there. Yeah, they love the heat. That is literally why they're there. I know it's boring to solve the problem,

but if you want to solve the problem, simply turn it off when you're not using it. At the output. At the PowerPoint. Yeah. I'm going to try that. Thanks, guys. God, if only it was so simple to solve 2020.

The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. So, Nina, Zoe and Charles, one thing we did in 2020 an awful lot was watch movies. But the movies that we watched were generally not ones made in 2020 because I reckon this was probably the worst year for movies in the history of movies. Like since the Loomier brothers started their thing, this was the worst year that it was. And I went back and looked at the box office figures for 2020. And it really has not been good.

Hang on. Hang on. What about that year that Crash won the Oscar? Like surely that's the worst year for movies. Yeah, actually, what about that year Green Book won the Oscar? Yeah. Well, do they destroy the premise of your... I don't think, I mean, I don't know what's going to win the Oscars next year, but it's going to be something that, um, beyond streaming and it won't have had any box office

because nothing has this year. It's quite amazing. I think both those years were good years for movies, bad year for taste. Yeah, I mean, that's the Oscars. But that's actually all the Oscars. Like, if you look at the Wikipedia of every, like, you know, movie that's one, and then you look at like the movies that were made, it's like they always get it wrong. They notoriously do not pick the ones that are going to go down in history.

I just started reading this series. I think it's at the Atlantic where they go through every best picture winner of every year. And they are genuinely all the ones. I love how we're trash talking Oscar winning movies. Yeah, they're so bad. So anyway, the top box office of any movie anywhere in the world this year was a movie was only big in China. That's how few people went to cinemas this year.

Oh, really? It was called the 800, and it was about 800 Chinese soldiers being stuck in a warehouse surrounded by an army just before World War to the Japanese army. So it was a movie about lots and lots of Chinese people trapped in a building and unable to go outside and it was still the top box office movie of the year anywhere despite the year that they've had there.

Do you know what the best, do you know what the top box office English movie was of any movie this year? I'm assuming it wasn't Tenet then. No, it wasn't Tenet. Tenet's number three. Yeah, right. On the list and we'll come to Tenet's problems.

It was bad boys for life. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, this is a good movie. Like 90s, buddy cop franchise brought back for a third time. Lethal weapon, but we will Smith. That was the most popular English language movie of the year. Sounds all right. A depressing thought.

I think that makes sense, though. You know the 90s are coming back. Yeah, they certainly didn't. Leisure isn't a time warp. Great jokes, though. I think it will win the Oscar. Probably will. Then there was Tenet.

Did anyone see Tenet? No. I saw it twice to try and make sense of it and I still don't know what happened. Yeah, and I was going to say, I didn't see it all, but I just heard so many people talking about it. I was like exhausted and it just confirmed my desire not to see it. Oh, no, I wanted to see it, but I didn't want to go to a cinema.

Fuck that. So it was a very 2020 movie that it made no sense. It was no fun at all. That's funny that Dom is immunocompromised and went to the cinema twice during the lockdown because he would rather die than have not... Wait. Then spend time with his stuff.

kids. I was the only person. He would rather see Tenet and risk dying than stay safe and not watch David Finch's latest film. But I was the only person in the cinema during both those sessions. So it wasn't a great thing.

Nerd alert. Then we have Sonic the Hedgehog. Comes in at number four. Yes, which my kids say is excellent. They saw it. That must have been really early on in the year before the pandemic. Yeah, yeah.

And that's the one that actually, he went through several extra years of development because his smile looked weird. Yeah, the first person, remember? And they looked chilling, yeah. They had to then redo the animation and they redid the whole animation and then they showed it

and sort of focus group to death. If you now look at it side by side, you go, I know, the original was better. Was it like a Lion King situation? Do you remember that when they did the Lion King, but like maybe animals look real? But they took out all the emotion because, like, well, real animals don't have emotional.

Yeah, they can't smile. They can't fucking sing and dance either, but like, here we go, we're doing a narrative. Is it like how in cats, they design the cats with butt holes and then, like, when they finished posts, they had to take all the buttholes out because it was too distressing. Is that true? Because I saw that, that was a post on Reddit. No, it's true.

That somebody, there was a guy who was, you know, who had to edit out the but holes. They had to edit out the butt holes. That is true. But then there was, like, a meme where they were talking about, like, they had to edit out the dicks And that's a lie because they didn't have cat dicks in cats. Just the buttholes. What were we talking about? I don't know.

Better than whatever Don't brought to the table. Then you got... I was just reading out a list of movies and then throwing it to us. But it was extraordinarily... That's what's happening. Then you go all the way down the list. And there was on Amazon a movie that brought back a much loved comedy character who was very, very big.

you know, previously. And it wasn't Borat. It was a movie called The Very Excellent Mr. Dundee. Have you heard of this film? I saw it advertised. It was on Amazon Prime, I think. Yeah, it was on Amazon Prime. Crocodile Dundee.

It is the fourth Crocodile Dundee movie, and it is the most baffling movie of the year. And I really wanted to win all the awards to the Oscars. I thought it was an ad for the Super Bowl. No, that was a joke version, wasn't it? Oh, man. Has anybody seen the very excellent. Mr. Dundee in the room.

Sadly, no. Have you? No, but I brought bits of the trailer so that you can get a sense of this wonderful movie. Can I make a prediction? Dedication to research, Dom, is so lackluster. You're imagining that the fourth Crocodard Undier movie is about him playing Crocodile Dundee.

Not at all. In this, it's a meta movie about him being Paul Hogan who is incredibly famous for being Crocodard Dundee. Here is the premise of the movie. I have news. The Queen of England wants to bestow you with a knighthood. There you go. So the premise is the Queen wants to knight Paul Hogan at this point in his career.

So it's sort of like, it's like a speculative biopic starring himself. But it's also like a wish. Like he's making a wish version of his... But what is it for? Services to Tax Fraud? I think that thing got turned out. got to say that so that you can make that joke. What do you actually think that in this, in this bizarre movie universe where Paul Hogan

is still significant, what do you think the knighthood is for? But is it a fiction or a nonfiction? It's exactly what you said. It's a speculative fiction about his own life in which he gets into misadventures as the very famous star of Crocodone and Dean. And his current vintage. Yeah. At the age of 81.

And so he gets knighted and it's not for his services to cinema or whatever. It's not for that. It is. Listen to this. This is the queen wants to knight to knight him. Because, you had the most successful independent film in history. He had the most successful movie in history that was financed independently in the 80s. That's why the Queen wants to know.

Do you just really hope that that young American voice was the Queen? The really extraordinary thing about this film is who he got to be in it. Listen to this. Paul Hogan, Chevy Chase, Olivia Newton, John and John Cleet. John Cleese. Like, how are these people in Christ? Rocket on a D4 going straight to Amazon. I'm absolutely pleased.

I think they just wanted a knighthood as well. They wanted to come along for the ride. Is it Borat style? Does he actually then visit the Queen? I don't know. Oh, no, you don't know it. That's right. It's not clear in the trailer.

None of the same like in Borat with Rudy Giuliani, but with the Queen and Paul Hogan. The really strange is. The Queen was like, I was just pulling up my garters. And they go. He's only 96. Get away from her. The really strange thing is that he goes to LA

to discuss making a sequel to Crocodone and D with the studio, even though he already did that and made the movie Crocodile and D in L.A., which nobody saw. So he goes over there and runs into all these people. A revisionist history. Terrible.

The Olivia Newton-John, like cameo, is just so that they can do this scene. Oh, Olivia! I'm doing this charity thinging at my neighbour. school i need a favor you better shape up because i need a man what the hell is this and my heart is set on you get out the damn state so the paul hogan in the movie is kind of a failure i don't know what kind of dirt paul hogan has an olivian new john but i imagine it must be very powerful and very very bad i just i'm okay what's so

So there's an element of, like, crocodile, in real world, Crocodile Dund D2 erasure. Yes. That's taken place. No, three, because two, it did okay, but three, Crocodile Dundee in LA was an epic flop, such that it's extraordinary they got to make this movie at all. So that was about probably maybe 20 years ago, so maybe in the 90s or 2000, he came back and did the character again. And in that scene, sorry, I'm pretty sure the lyrics he was singing were Olivia Newton,

John's lyrics. Yes, from Greece. So in this universe, is Olivia Newton John playing John Travolta? And Paul Hogan's playing Olivia Newton John? Look, he gets up on the stage and he gets booed. And all these comedy pratfalls happen. So people throw a banana at him.

And he throws something back. It bounces off like one of those Swiss inflatable balls, hits a nun and knocks it to the ground. And so all the news channels go, Paul Hogan, injured a nun. And this is like headlining. news around the world. So it's full of bizarre pratfalls.

This movie did not do very, very well. I don't know why. Are you kidding me? This is like, this feels like the most anarchic 20-20 film I've ever heard. Like, I feel like this is, now that we've really put it out there, that you've taken the time to, we've dissect it, we've done the analysis. I think it's, I actually am going to go home and watch it. It is a fascinating product that this thing even exists at all.

It's trying to be sort of meta. But then the saddest thing in the movie for me is John Cleese, like firstly being in it at all. But the role that he plays is John Cleese, also living in L.A., being so hard on his luck, that he's an Uber driver. John Cleese? I don't have my driver's license. Just tell him you left it at home. No, I don't have a driving license.

So he's so desperate in the film that he's driving Uber, but in reality he's so desperate that he's in a Paul Hogan movie. So I don't really, the lines of reality are quite confusing. And in reality, he'd just be tweeting about how much he hates Nicole Byer. And how much his white daughter should be, have a comedy special. Isn't it what he does now? He just like tweets angrily at women of colour and says, why doesn't my daughter have that opportunity?

It's only thing now. He's done it at least to at least one comedian that is very funny. It's, I don't know, man. John Cleese, I don't like that man. Well, his real stick is going around doing comedy shows complaining about his ex-wife and how much he has to pay in alimony. And in this scene in the trailer, as the Uber driver, but he's driving Uber because of his ex-wife

and having to pay alimony. So I don't know how much they paid him to be in the film. But the one cameo that actually really I found funny in the only moment in the entire trailer was Chevy Chase, you know, comedy legend. This is what he says in the trailer. I was a nominator from Academy Award once. Couldn't have been acting, no offense.

Got him. I don't, I don't quite a saying because the whole point of the movie is that Paul Hogan is very high status and fame. and yet also washed up in a bit of a loser. I don't understand it at all. I mean, you should have stopped at the whole point of this movie, which is a lie.

There is clearly no point to this movie. I want to know the correct order for watching the Dundee Canada. The universe is. Do we have a Dundee scholar coming in to talk to us about it? We will on the next podcast. I think the correct order is probably just not to watch them at all. No, I reckon you should start with number four. Yes.

And then you can only get happier as it goes on. And those are the best movies of 2020. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by overpriced champagne. Looks the same, tastes the same, but it's from a very special region of France. Overpricet. The Chaser Report. News you know you can't trust.

It's almost time to wrap up the podcast, but before we do, time to throw more randomness at our wonderful improvising newsreader Rebecca Deena Uno. Hi. Yes, this just in. It's unbelievable. Experts have agreed that a smurf would beat a care bear in a battle. Smurfs are resourceful, they're little, and it's hard to distinguish them from each other when hiding within foliage.

Care bears, on the other hand, are fluorescent at times, pet, pastel, and have, giant rainbows on their stomachs. A spokesperson for the Smurfette said that she was excited to know that they could go into battle at any point, but just called all the care bears a bunch of pussies because none of them will take up the challenge. And a surprising fad for this news, for this year's New Year's Eve. Sox with sandals are back. And a sexual health warning for those looking to fuck. If you do, check it first. That's all we have time for. Thank you to Mark Liberal, and of course, Rebecca Day and Muno for that one. Catch you next week on another pre-recorded, but improvised.

Chase Report. A message from the New South Wales Government. This New Year's Eve, the New South Wales Government have put restrictions in place to prevent the spread of coronavirus and also to prevent people from having fun. Access to the harbour foreshore precinct is restricted and nobody will be allowed in, except if you have a booking at a five-star restaurant or have been invited to a private party at a waterfront apartment with views of the harbour. Please bring your latest pay slip to verify that you earn over $150,000 per year

and a copy of your last annual tax assessment to verify that you avoided paying tax on most of that. Access to the harbour foreshore will also be available to essential service workers who are working on New Year's Eve. This includes waiters, butlers, shooshines, chimney sweeps and women of the night. However, they must adhere to all COVID-safe restrictions and agree not to look at the firework display

nor have any other forms of fun. And remember, this New Year's Eve, we're all in this together. So stay home, knowing that your sacrifice means the people in the toaster can celebrate in safety.