The Chaser Report - Nina Commits A Crime | Nina Oyama | Alan Jones

Episode Date: July 29, 2021

Nina confesses the very criminal thing she did which was genuinely lovely but still extremely illegal. Alan Jones* objects to having to face consequences – in this case, being dumped by the Daily Telegraph. Plus Zander investigates why our athletics team is as isolated as he is in Tokyo, and Lachlan tries to deliver an unprecedented outcome for The Chaser – turning a profit.* Dan Ilic of 'A Rational Fear', of course – go and listen to his podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today's episode of The Chase Report is brought to you by Sunnaling's hottest 100 hold songs, because when you're locked down, we're getting you pumped up. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Friday the 30th of July 2021. And it's gold medals are plenty. Dom, what is going on? I think we're going to have a problem of just too many gold. medals. Too much success. We're going to have to have an extra flight just to bring all the gold

medals that we've won in swimming home with us. Oh, I'm so proud of us. Yes. It's nice when all of our sort of massive arrogance about the Olympics and just an assumption that we'll win everything comes true, isn't it? But the really good thing is, and this is why I've got a bit of a spring my step this morning, is that, you know how we're going to have a climate apocalypse in the next 20 or 30 years. Yes, right. Inevitably. We'll probably be all under sea water by about 2040, 2050 type thing.

Australia is the best country in the world at swimming. You're right. So it doesn't matter that the climate apocalypse is coming because we can just swim away. And we are best set up as basically the best country in the world to be in. Yes. Because we keep winning at swimming. What a great idea. And particularly if there was a relay, like let's say we needed to somehow

You know, transport some sort of U.S. B stick with the nation's heritage on it. You just get a bunch of, particularly the female swim is very fast and just doing it as a relay and we'd be safe. But you know what else? It's not just swimming, Charles. It's kayaking and canoeing and surfing. We're good at all of the water sports. We should just give up on living on land and become an aquatic civilization like in the movie Waterworld. Whereas the only sport that New Zealand seems to be good at is triathlons, right?

What's good is that in the climate apocalypse? You can't cycle around underwater. You can't ride. You can do the swimming leg, yes. But that's all you can do. You get a third of the way to wherever you're going to whatever life raft you've got together. And then you get too exhausted because you go, oh, hang on, I want to ride the rest of the way. No, you can't because the whole world is just flooded with water.

And it's at this point, Charles, that I really want to just commend the visionary thinkers on the Gold Coast for building all those massive fuck-off condos, right? because the top half of them will be above the water no matter what. So we're going to have, no matter what happens, the Gold Coast, the Australian civilisation, the peak that we've achieved as a people, will continue in the Gold Coast. The negative gearers, you know, the people who bought the prime investment properties on the Gold Coast, you know, the White Shoe Brigade, they're going to be great. They'll just put on white flippers and they'll go from there.

And just imagine how good those water views will be once the water's just lapping outside the window, Charles. Yeah, it's a panorama of water views. But we need to be generous, harder about this. Any New Zealand triathletes who can swim across the ditch can live among us on the Gold Coast. Yeah, that's a really horrible offer for them. On today's show, we're checking in with Nina Oyama

to see how she's dealing with the absolute misery of the pandemic and all that kind of stuff, and I'm sure she's just fine. And we've got a bit of a scoop. We're actually crossing to Alan Jones, who's just been dropped by the Murdoch tabloid, the Daily Telegraph here in Sydney, for spouting all these anti-vaxxer opinions. So that's going to be very interesting.

We're also going to head to Tokyo, of course, to catch up with Xander, who has so far defied death, but maybe today will be our lucky day. And Loughlin has some money-making schemes about how the Chaser can become incredibly rich. But first, as ever, let's head to Rebecca Dana-Muno in the Chaser Newsroom.

Failed radio presenter Alan Jones has been dropped by the Daily Telegraph for his anti-vaccination stance in recent columns. The Murdoch own. tabloid said that Jones's views were abhorrent, immoral and dangerous to public health, but they had decided to drop him anyway. New South Wales has adopted a new two-tier system of lockdown based on how much you look like a member of the Liberal Party. Police will now be able to issue fines of $500 to anyone

who is not wearing a mask, unless they look like the sort of person who would own a negatively geared investment property. Police stressed it was important for anyone wanting to avoid consequences to carry their Qantas club card on them at all times. Federal opposition leader Anthony Albanese has dropped his opposition to absolutely everything ahead of next year's federal election. Mr Albanese, whose party is now six points ahead in the polls, said he didn't want to risk winning the election by giving people a reason to vote for him. That's the latest Chaser News you can't trust. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno. Now, of course, one of our favorite things to do on this podcast is to check in with Nina

Oiyama, who tends to travel around the country doing exciting things. But at the moment, like the rest of us in Sydney, is stuck at home. Hey, Nina. I have still been traveling just, you know, from my house, my bathroom to my bedroom pretty much. When you're a teenager, you got told, and one day you'll be forced by the government to not leave your bedroom, except maybe to go to the bathroom occasionally. You would have thought, oh, my God, that's the best future in the world. Yeah. I know like how parents supposed to punish their kids now. They'd be like, go to your room. It's like I'm there all day. I'm grounded. Okay, cool. I'm that anyway.

No, no. Well, that is true. With my 12 year old, a punishment now is, okay, time for a walk. We're going out in the sun. So what have you been up to? Well, I've just been very busy lately, which is, I guess a brag, so I probably shouldn't talk about it. But I did have something very exciting happened to me the other day, which is I committed a crime. Oh, wow. Manitry when you work with The Chaser. It's true. It's not even a fun political prank.

This was just a run-of-the-mill. It was actually a COVID crime now that I think about it. What was it? What did you do? Basically, recently I had a life event happen to me and people have been sending me things. And I have this very old neighbour who, I won't use her real name. Let's call her Beryl.

But she's like this very old Macedonian lady. Her husband passed away at the beginning of this year. And I think she's like a little bit lonely. But someone sent a package for me to her house, and she kept it hostage. Like, she kept telling me, she was like, Nina, you have to come over to my house to get the thing. And I was like, I'm like legally not allowed into your house. Like, this is fully illegally. She's like, no, no, you have to come in.

And I was like, I'm sorry, you just have to bring it out. And she just refused. Maybe the package can just stay at her house. But then the other day, she knocked on our door. and she was like, Nina, I bought a delicious KFC dinner for you. But you have to come over to my house and eat KFC with me and you can get the thing. And I was like, look, I'm really busy. Like, I'd really tried to get out of it.

And then she was like, no. And she like grabbed my hand and started dragging me into her house. So then I was forced into an old lady's house against my will. And it fully was a crime because I'm not allowed into her house. Also, she hasn't been vaxed. Wow. So I was very stressed, but then we just had a really nice KFC dinner, and she gave me the flowers. That's lovely.

Is this the punchline of this tale that you've ended up bubble buddies? Yes, so we are now dating. It's sort of a perfect meet cute, isn't it? It truly is, but yeah, we watched the project together, so it was good, quality time, learned a lot of things. We watched a current affair together as well. This is genuinely heartwarming, Nina. Although if you kept it in KFC together, there'll be another effect on your hearts as well. It was pretty funny, though, like the KFC, the chicken was really cold,

but she warmed up the chips in the oven, which I thought was funny. I didn't mean to commit a crime, but I had to because I'm nice. Listeners, we here at the Chase, do not approve of crime breaking, especially when it comes to things that are going to extend the lockdown, Nina. Hey, I haven't left the house. I think she's more likely to give me COVID than I am to give her COVID. That's true. So we want everyone to call crime stoppers and dob Nina in.

No, don't. I live down the road from the cops. That's the other thing. It's what makes it extra illegal, I think, is that I live like 10 steps from the cop station. Like drug dealers won't deliver drugs to my house because they're too scared. Well, next time you see Beryl, Nina, maybe you can ask if she wants to come on the podcast and spill the dirt on you

because I'd love to know what it's like in your neighbour. Yeah, I imagine it must be horrible because all I do is like crazy. disgusting Zoom writer's rooms. I don't know, recently. I feel like it's been especially debaught. I did this room the other day where it was like everyone pitching the most disgusting grotesque thing. What was that for? The next

episode of Deal or No, it's for a Disney channel show. Oh, they're always the most debauched. Yeah, the Mickey Mouse, it was Mickey Mouse masturbating on a Ferris wheel. Yeah, that was what it was. And splooging everywhere. And you know what? We haven't gotten notes back, but I

We never do. All right. Thanks so much, Nina. Give our love to Beryl. I will. Today's episode of The Chase Report is brought to you by Sanneling's smoothest jams. Because nothing calls an hour of whole time like generic jazz. Jazz.

Hey, it's been in the news again, Alan Jones. Good morning, sir. Good morning, everyone. It's good to be with you. Now, what do you say about News Corp's decision to drop your columns from their papers, Alan? Well, let me just say this. I think it's absolutely disgusting. This is exactly why more people trust those insolent Yahoo's at the Chaser than the Daily Telegraph.

To be fair, and that's been happening for a long time while you were printed in their newspapers. I know. It's disgusting that I'm now on the Chaser podcast and I'm not getting paid. Well, the editor of the Daily Telegraph said that you're no longer resonating with readers. Look, I can absolutely confirm that they're no longer publishing my column, but I can categorically deny that I wasn't resonating with readers. For starters, the Daily Telegraph was printing in such small text. No one could see it properly without a magnifying glass.

And we all know that those people who buy the Daily Telegraph can't read. So calling them readers in the first place is like calling the Septuagenarians that watch the ABC viewers. We all know they should be called latte dribblers. If the Daily Telegraph just made the text bigger and more colourful, it would resonate. You know, like those other stories, about 60 months interest-free on bedding electrical and furniture from Harvey Norman.

Go Harvey! Well, if you don't read the paper, how do you prepare your Sky News segment? I say something that a child with a degree in journalism who couldn't get a job in journalism summarises it and puts it in big font under my carefully curated pocket square. Best dressed man in television. So how are you coping with this indie lockdown on your palatial country estate? Well, let me tell you something, Charles.

It's extremely stressful for everyone on the farm. It's been a week since Joe Bailey came around and gave me a shave and a massage. And Albo is always popping his head into the studio. Albo, the opposition leader is going to your... Studio at the country house. No, no, it's the name I've given to one of the geese. Albo, he's always eating all the animals' food. Oh, he's a bit like the ALP.

Ha-ho! Which proven fact do you disbelieve more? COVID-19 or climate change? Well, that's a very good question, Charles. Ever since Valvelina has stopped sponsoring my show, it's safe to say I'm warming to global warming. Now, Alan, Ray Hadley said that you've been encouraging protests, like the one that we saw on Saturday.

What's your response to that claim? Well, Ray is absolutely right. Those people are my people, and my people are angry because I told them to be angry, and they're also uneducated. And if there's someone that's going to be a champion of the stupid, it's me. Ray also said, half of what I have to say is very well researched, and half of it isn't. And that's by design.

Two wrongs don't make a right dom, but if I'm wrong, I'm a big enough man to admit it. If ACMA and a panel of Supreme Court judges compels me to. So have you had your AstraZeneca? A-Z? No way. It's poison. I, however, have booked in to get my first jab of A-C. A-C.? Anthony Collier. Oh, he's releasing a brand new lockdown playlist on Spotify. I've asked my assistant to record on cassette. I'm going to sit down with Albao and listen to it. Both sides, A and B of AC. A jab of Anthony Collier is the medicine all of this country needs right now. Thank you, Alan. It's good to be with you. News You Can't Trust

If you've been listening to the podcast You may have noticed that most of the ads that we have Are us making fun of ads Which means that we need a bit more money from somewhere We've put our best people on it Lockland, what have you got? Yeah, hi Dom, as you know, I'm in charge of the finance around at Chaser Digital And it's not looking good, guys

Oh no! Who could have foreseen that? Yeah, we've got the support fund Which is going really well We had the Prime Ministers donate. But I've been having a look over the accounts, and as good as they are, we need more to stay in the green. And I think I've come up with the perfect solution.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It is a little risky, though, so I've got to get you okay. Okay. We love danger. Yeah. So I've looked at it from every angle, and I think the best possible way for us to make money is betting.

Betting? Betting. Gambling. Hardcore gambling, sports bet, specifically. Well, so we run a book and get people to pay us? No, no, no, no. We bet on things. We bet on things.

Well, like, Glenn, I noticed that Grand Casino need some new items. Could we perhaps buy that? No, no, no. Have a Chaser casino? Why would we buy a casino when the perfect way to make money is by betting on things yourself? It's the perfect lockdown moneymaker. We can do it right from home. There's no problems.

It's flawless plan. I would like to say for the record, Chaser is not for a gambling addiction. unless you give us half of your winnings. Yeah, because Loughlin, isn't the floor with this plan that gambling is notoriously bad in terms of making money? Like, you always lose. That's the whole problem. I feel it's designed so that the house always,

what's it called wins? Wins, yeah. No, no, no, no. You're all wrong. You're all wrong. That's only if you don't know who's going to win. Right. So you're talking about putting the fix in.

Yeah. So the thing about sports bet is they have entertainment and novelty bets. So you can bet on, like pretty much, if it's on network TV, you can bet on it. There's the winner of MasterChef, the next Bachelor, Survivor, team winning odds. You can bet on pretty much anything. My idea is that we place rather large entertainment industry bets. Yes. And then we use our connections to influence people and pull the strings and make sure that we win

and make hella cash so i found things these are all things that you can legitimately bet okay sports bet so i've got a few the first one is uh one of the big things they have is breakfast radio futures so um odds on who's hosting which shows next year and the big one at the moment is our friend ben fordom right ben fordom to host radio on two gb morning next year is currently four to one for him leaving. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, four to one on Ben leaving. So I figure, we know Ben, don't we? Yes. So we can just place a bet. Yes. And then ask him to leave. And ask him to leave. And we'll split the winnings with him, so he's got a bit of incentive too. Yes. It's flawless. I really like this. So what you're saying is we pull all

our money, which I reckon would be like at least a couple of hundred bucks. Put it up four to one on bed before I'm leaving. We will then ask him to leave. We make 800 bucks. We have to give him maybe 400 bucks, you know, for doing the thing. We just walk away with the sweet 800 in our pocket. Yeah, but that's 2GB's staple bit. If you don't like that, I've got a few more ideas. Yeah, okay, keep going. One of the other big things you can bet on with the entertainment novelties is TV shows. So who wins H.Y. BPA, I said before. But the big one at the moment, They've just added, because Hamish McDonald has left Q&A, there's a vacuum which we can bet on who's going to be the next host. So it's currently Virginia Trioli at a $1.10 return.

And all the way down the bottom, Sophie Monk at $150 return. That's ridiculous. Sophie would be fantastic. She would be. I would love that. But I figure we work some of our ABC magic and get someone on Q&A. And who, did you reckon? I think I could place a bet on Craig doing it.

I'm sure he'd be down. What's his odds? He's not on the list yet, so it would have be really high. Oh, it would be like a thousand for one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like he's going to be busy on win the week for long anyway. Oh, Craig is way too smart to do. Like, Q&A is the most painful job in the country.

And it would destroy his career because it's destroyed Hamish McDonald's career. Hmm. Hamish is already fine. Hamish is doing the project. Don't worry about Hamish. I think Chaz. I think no one would pick Chaz, and he'd actually do quite a good job. I think I prefer Sophie Martin.

Today's episode of The Chase Report is brought to you by Sinalink in the Grass, the hottest music festival from your mobile phone. Now, the Tokyo Olympics continues defying the odds, really. I thought it would have been cancelled days ago. But fortunately, Zanda is still there and apparently still breathing. Hello, Zanda. Hello, hello. And bad news from the Australian Olympics camp yesterday.

Look, I knew the Olympics were going to be competitive However, I did not expect this coming into it The United States Australia's greatest ally Has frankly been scared of our medal count And has used one of their pole vaulters Who are contagious with COVID-19 To expose the whole of the Australian athletics team To the virus

So the Australians now all have to isolate With inside the Olympic village Of all the sports I mean you'd think that a pole voter Would stay quite a long way away from everyone even just sort of in the air, surely they're safe. I know, that's the ridiculous thing. Like, surely you just, like, swing your pole around,

and if it hit someone, they're too close to you. Yeah, what's going on? So the whole track team in isolation and has really hit the team morale over here. Oh, yeah? How are they coping? Mainly, well, it's kind of been interesting watching how some of the team have been training in their rooms.

I know the pole boulders have flipped their beds on their side, so they've got a bit of something to jump over. Long jumps doing the same. You know, you line up, your bed, in one corner of the room, you take a run, you have a jump in the bed. How many windows have been broken by the shot putters? Oh, look, it's almost an hourly exercise at the moment where they're just changing them. I think most of the staff here have just resorted to putting up sheets over the windows instead.

So they're getting through it, but it is concerning. And I think we're starting to see the troubles here with holding an Olympics during a pandemic. Yeah, it's just occurring to me. It mightn't have been such a great idea. What do you think, Sandra? No, I definitely think that some of the issues that we could have foreseen here, like people getting sick, are really starting to come to the forefront of this whole event. Tell me, is the track and field, does that include the marathon runners?

Yes, it does. Yes, right. And so how do they train? What do they do? Honestly, just running around in circles. They could work for the New South Wales government at the moment. Yes, running around in circles. Definitely.

They've actually stuck them on. bikes, you know, those energy bikes that you wheel and then that calls power. That's actually how they're powering the Olympic Village at the moment, is the Australian track team is just peddling the whole tower alive. I'm glad to hear that, and perhaps that answers my questions, Anna, because I was kind to ask, why do we bother sending a track team, an athletic team? Where's she said to athletics? We barely ever win a medal.

We barely come close. Why take the risk? They should just all be back at home. Well, that's the thing. We're coming fifth in the medal tally still, so I reckon we end the Olympics today. It's a pretty reasonable spot for us to finish on. If we keep going any longer, we'll just drop. Like, there's nothing, my schedule's clear for the next week.

I'm not even turning up to try sneak into track and field. I'm just going to enjoy the sides. Charles, just before we go, the Chaser Report promised to be a daily topical podcast. And so far, we've avoided the elephant in the room, 239 cases in Sydney. Are we going to touch on this today or is it just too tragic, especially when the Premier says it's only going to go up from here in the days ahead? Yeah, well, look, I think 239, which was yesterday's number, was, you know, like, just think of it as, you know, is that sort of shitty BP that you don't stop at on the way up the freeway. You're wanting to get to the Caltechs or the Ampole or the mobile, but, you know, it doesn't have any macas.

The restrooms are really shit. That's what 239 is. Once we get to 500, let's address the elephant in the room again. But, you know, 239, I mean, we can do better than that, Sydney. Are we going to have to? on Friday as we read from the review section. What do you think? What's looking good?

Well, there's some great reviews today. There's, uh, from Good podcast. Good. Thank you for the podcast. You made Australia not so bad for now, though. Thank you. Uh, the one after that, so narcissistic they read every review. Yeah.

It's subpoena, I guess, knowing this is going to be read out. So lacking in originality, they're now borrowing concepts for the acknowledged masters of Australian satire. Roy and HG, if you aren't going to take a dump, get off the pot. Guys, I'm willing to own the narcissistic part. Oh, yeah. No, I'm happy to be accused of copying Roy Nash. I just wish we were better at it, Charles.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. Cheered me up. This is from Byrne. Thanks, guys. Love today's episode. Australia doesn't really seem that bad after all. What is going on? It's just a delusion, Charles.

They obviously don't listen to the podcast. And finally, how to keep sane in a pandemic? Compulsory listening, especially when picking up dog poo in the morning. Sorry. I like to think that every morning. we publish some dog poo in the podcast, Charles, and it's good to know people are picking it up. And you can pick it up wherever you get your podcasts.

You can. Yeah, and please leave us a five-star review. Of course, today's keyword is, well, actually just tell us what you think of Alan Jones. Feel free to write as much as you like. Plenty of news going up around the clock at chaser.com. You plenty more gallows humor here on the podcast next week, and the week after that and the week after that and forever more.

Our Gehries from Road Microphones, and we're part of the ACAST Creator Network. Catch you next week.