The Chaser Report - Nina Gets Free Sheet | Nina Oyama

Episode Date: September 27, 2021

Charles has returned from his break, and in his time off has realised he would like another break. Nina Oyama shares her brand new influencer lifestyle, and Aleksa uncovers a CIA plot to assassinate Julian Assange. Plus Gabbi is not happy with the results of the Tony’s. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today's Chaser Report is sponsored by Zoom Weddings. At last, you can participate in your family and friends' most special day without getting out of your pyjamas. Just make sure that you don't invite that risky uncle who's going to say a thing or do it is speech, speech, beach, beach, beach, beach, to the bride. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chase of Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Tuesday, the 28th of September 2021. I'm Dom Knight.

Hello, Gabby Bolt. Hello, and we've got someone else, Dom. Who's that? Who's that old man in the corner of the Zoom? It's Charles Firth. It's like I never left. Freshly turned 69 and everything. Yeah, I did have a birthday.

How was it? I was good. I think I need a break from my break. Right. Yeah, I mean, It is school holidays, so literally, you know, it just means more time with your kids. Yeah, it's kind of hard to distinguish that from non-school holidays, isn't it? Yeah, so it's really, it's all the blur.

But I must say, I do think that Scott Morrison has the right idea about this stuff, right? Because he, I don't know whether you saw yesterday, but he's unsure whether he's going to turn up to COVID. Copenhagen on the 1st of November, 2021. Shock and horror. This is the big climate summit. Copenhagen 26 is basically, it's the climate change conference of the last few years. It's the time when, you know, the whole world is going to get together in one place and decide how to not let the planet burn alive in our lifetimes. right and Scott Morrison has said you know maybe maybe I don't want to do that

maybe you know like I know it's my job and everything but maybe I just don't want to turn up and frankly I can relate to that I don't I think I need another break I think I need a break from my break from my break none of this is adding up though because isn't Scott Morrison's favorite thing going away like isn't that his favorite thing to do yeah look going away to Hawaii, yes, going away for some photo ops in Washington, where you've literally paid a hundred billion dollars to get the photo op of shaking hands, right? But actually, you know, like Copenhagen, you'd actually have to do a bit of work. Do you don't understand, Charles, Charles?

Add up how much carbon there is. You know, like, it's too much work. He set a goal, he set a goal of net zero attendance at climate summits. Exactly. He's met the, like Matt Canavan said it would never happen. and yet Scott Morrison straight out of the gate, net zero attendance. Well, he's got to get the leader's sign off if he wants to go to that. And that's Barnaby Joyce, and the way he's talking, it's not going to happen.

I mean, Joyce has made it pretty clear that the miners come first and that unless the miners are looked after. Wait, sorry, Dom, do you mean minors or minors? Oh, sorry, not the children he's supposed to be looking after in his own family. No, no, no, the coal miners. I thought he had a plot twist. No, no, no, there aren't more children. I think six is, I think he's drawing the line. But Barnaby, get the snip.

But no, I think unless Joyce says so, he can't do it. But it's nicely ironic, isn't it? Because by looking after the miners, E.R.S, he's not looking after the miners in OARIS. No, he's choking the children of the future. That's true. Yeah, that's right. On today's show. On today's show, Nina Ryama's going to join us to discuss her adventures as a comedy influencer.

Ooh. And Alexia is going to look at the CIA plot to kidnap. in Assange. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Day and Mino in the Chaser Newsroom. Right after this. Billionaire Elon Musk and Popstar Grimes have announced they are divorcing after three years of marriage. The couple have agreed to share custody of the title most annoying person in the world. Elon will have it on alternate weekdays and every second weekend. Colleagues of Musk say they were worried he was having a midlife crisis

after he started turning up to work in a Tesla. Scott Morrison has declared that he may not go to the climate summit of world leaders in Copenhagen in November. Mr Morrison said that the climate crisis was clearly a massive emergency for Australia, so he would instead head straight to Hawaii until it all blows over. West Australian Premier Mark McGowan has unveiled his roadmap for reopening his state, saying that he will allow visitors the moment the sun rises in the West. While some say the sun rising in the West is impossible to achieve, McGowan's approval rating has soared to 115% following the announcement,

something that was also previously thought impossible. That's the latest Chaser News you can't trust. Remember to follow or subscribe to The Chaser Report wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Rebecca Day Unamuno, or as the ABC Radio website calls me, Rebecca Unamuno. News you know you can't trust. Some big revelations about Julian Assange in the past couple of days. What's going on, Alexa? Yeah, yeah, there's new reports out about, I guess, in short, a plot to kill him.

So wait a minute. Hasn't the whole of Julian Assange's thing been for the last sort of half a dozen years that the CIA and the US want to kill him? And that's why he shouldn't go to the US because they'll just kill him. and so it's turned out to be true, is it? Yeah, yeah. And everyone else has just been going, oh, well, Julian Assange, he's so paranoid.

He thinks they're going to kill him. Yeah, that's such rubbish, Julian. Can't face your accuses Julian Assange. I think it's not even such an unbelievable story either. In this article, they called it an unprecedented CIA campaign against WikiLeaks. And I just, I think that's a bit insane because I thought that was the CIA's main job. Like, that's all they did. It was to knock off freedom fighters and people who want free speech.

Yeah, I think that's, that is exactly. To stop the whistleblowers blowing. That's what they do. The only difference was he wasn't from Latin America. He was from Australia. To be fair, he was in the Ecuadorian embassy. I think it's still sticking to CIA habits. But this is very weird, Alexa, because

like Julian Assange is a pro-Trump supporter, isn't he? At one point they kind of seemed to be in lockstep and then Trump wasn't such a fan of him. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, I think the whole Trump WikiLeaks connection wasn't an actual thing. I thought it was more of a coping mechanism for Democrats because, you know, they lost an election. But the thing that that ruined the little love affair with Trump and WikiLeaks was this thing called Fault 7, which happened in 2017. It was like

the largest data loss in CIA history. So WikiLeaks had hacked the CIA and uncovered all their different hacking techniques. So the CIA apparently was able to hack cars and smart TVs and web browsers and smartphones. And I guess the CIA was quite upset. about all of this becoming public. So Pompeo, who was in charge at the time, kind of went up to Trump being like, oh, we need to kill this guy. Imagine having a work problem and going, you know what?

Death is the solution. You go to your boss and go, let's just kill him. But yes, I think he was in the bad books of both people. You know, Democrats hated him for leaking DNC stuff and then Trump hated him for the CIA leaks. There's no good way to leak. It's almost as if he doesn't. really take sides and just publishes everything, quite like Charles.

Yeah, so WikiLeaks released all this stuff about the CIA, and then immediately Mike Pompeo comes out on TV and says this. WikiLeaks walks like a hostile intelligence service and talks like a hostile intelligence service. So what they were doing there is essentially classifying WikiLeaks, not as, you know, the press, but as an actual hostile intelligence service, which meant that they were free to do all this cool stuff like killing. Didn't the Trump White House like working with hostile intelligence services from Russia, for instance?

I thought they would be cahoots. And does that, and does that mean that the chaser could become a hostile intelligence service rather than a satirical news service? Well, certainly hostile already. And then we could do things like buy submarines and jet, you know, like we'd have all the tools of the state. Charles, it requires intelligence. We don't, look at the central part of this is intelligence. I think we're almost, I think we're halfway there, though. We've all been under house arrest for quite some time now.

That's true. I think we're filling the WikiLeaks. We are all Julian Assange. Well, the good news, though, is if the CIA decides to assassinate us all, it's not going to be able to pull it off, so we're fine. They can have me. I'm fine with that. That's a great way to go.

People will be asking questions in my family tree for a very long time. Come and get me. You know where Sydney, guys. I know where she lives, Langley, if you need to know. Today's Chaser report is sponsored by Zoom Weddings. Remember, kids, if you get the framing just right, nobody has to see the shotgun. But they'll know it's there.

Lachlan, Dom, isn't the only one trying to get free stuff on this podcast. Nina's here to talk about some influencing she's been doing of her own. Hi, Nina. Hello. Life update. Can I just say? I've decided to become a comedy influencer. Amazing.

Thank you. That's two of you. See later. That's the end of the story. Who have you influenced? So like it was completely by accident. Okay, so firstly, like my history with influencing, I'm not an influencer by like. I'm not like one of those people that's always like, if you cite my code, like you get 20% off on these clothes or whatever.

And my weirdly, my history was like getting reached out by a sex toy brand. And I kind of was just so stoked that anyone would want me to represent them that I was like, yes. And then after I did that, three more sex toy brand. reached out to me and I was like, okay, this is, I don't want to be the sex toy guy. I was kind of like, listen, I was happy to do it one time because the person who asked me was my friend. Yeah, after that, I was like, no.

But I will say I accidentally influenced my way. I influenced too close to the sun. I influenced my way into getting linen bed sheets by making a joke on Twitter. Oh, no, that's a good one. That's classy. So linen bed sheets, I've looked into linen bed sheets. They're expensive as fuck. They are so expensive.

Can I just say I've never bought. I've never bought linen bed sheets. Like, I'm a Kmart gal. I'm like $15. Like, who cares while I sleep in? Like, I just pass out at the end of the day and I lie down and it's like, that's for that. My life has changed. I'm not working for big linen, by the way.

So I don't know if I can promote the actual company because they're not, oh, I guess they did send me some free stuff so I can. But like, they're not an official sponsor of the podcast. Also, now you can mention them. It's fine. Quickly, like, I've never slept on linen cheeks in my life because I don't care about my health and well-being because I view myself very much as a gremlin that doesn't deserve to have good things.

But I will say, so, like, just before my 28th birthday, I actually tweeted about this company called Bed Threads, right? Because, like, all my friends have been buying bed threads. And they're a very, like, fun company that do, like, a lot of fun autumn-colored bed sheets, which seems to be in vogue right now. And every single one of my friends had, like, started buying them. And it was almost like a trend. But I forever, you know, the anti-capitalist, socialist, Bernie Sanders, voter. No, I can't do that because I'm in Australia. But, like, being the kind of person that I am, where I'm like, I'm just getting Kmart bed sheets because it's cheap. I was very against it.

But then I did this tweet, right, which was like, I'm going to read it out. I hope that's okay and not to self-congratulatory. But I wrote, everyone, Colin, when you turn 28, that's sat and return, baby. Your life is going to go freaking crazy. At age 28, I quit my high paying corporate job and bartended in Spain for a year. It was wild. And then I wrote every 28-year-old I know. Yes, so I've been thinking about ordering new sheets from bed threads.

And I thought that was funny. because that's like, you know, the difference between what you can do to rebel now and what you can do. Because, you know, Saturn Return, let's talk about Saturn for a second. Go off. Have you heard of Saturn Return? Yeah, I saw a whole, like, play about it called Saturn. Oh, really?

Yeah, so sorry that you had to watch a play. I'd never heard of it before that. You went to live theatre? Oh, no. I hope it was worth it. No, I'm just kidding. Live theatre is, somebody I was talking to, Heath Franklin, he was like, live theatre and poetry is like recorder, like, when it's, like,

Most people do it, and it's horrible, and it's really bad. But when it's good, it's pretty, pretty bloody good. And I can agree with that because I actually used to play in a recorder quintet. Amazing. So I tweeted this thing about bed threads, and weirdly, bed threads reposted it. They did blur out the bit where I said, freaking crazy. I think they put a little, a little, like, white out to just say crazy. And I did use the swear word in the tweet that I did.

I was trying to censor myself for the podcast because I have forgotten whether this is a swear-friendly podcast. I swear all the time. I was like, it was fucking crazy cunts. No, I'm just kidding. But I did, I like, I tweeted this thing. And then I ended up on the Bedthreads Instagram page. And somebody messaged me being like, you should ask them for free stuff.

And because I'm like, I'm not worthy every time anyone does like, I didn't ask anything. But I was like particularly like emotional at the time. Like I was like going through a lot of, you know, lockdown blues as you do. And Bedthreads actually reached out off the back of the tweet. And they were like, we would like to send you some free bed threads. And I was like, thank you, Bedthreads. And then I was like, I'm literally crying right now. And then Bedthreads was like, it's okay, babe.

And I was like, Bedthreads, stop it. Like, I had this full conversation with a human where I was like, Bedthreads, like, you have no idea how much this means to me. Like, I'm having a really bad lockdown. And this is like, made my entire day. Like, thank you so much. And Bedthreads was kind of like, okay, calm down. But I got sent the bedthread.

So I think like maybe, maybe, like, is there anything that anyone wants? Maybe we can do a funny tweet about it and think about it together. I just, the tweet sounded great. Lady didn't filter your personal brand, Nina, for that one. But it does feel like you kind of got into a codependent relationship with bed threads thereafter. Is that healthy? Do you know, the weird thing about bed threads is actually, it's not run by a human. It's run by this like sentient group of sheets, like linen sheets that are very soft and very good on the tongue.

Oh, it's totally patch linen. And it's coming. I'm sure we've all practiced pashing on linen at some point. Maybe not linen. The nicest fabric to pash. Exactly. Like it's so soft. It dries, it dries silky. No, I actually haven't washed my bed threads yet. But I have put them on my bed. I do think it is funny though. I've been like thinking a lot about satin return and ways that I'm going to try and rebel against the man for my, for my, you know, formative years. Don, what did you do on your satin return? I think, if I recall correctly, 28 was just another year of, um, torture and misery of doing chase of TV shows. I don't think there's anything special about it. So is Saturn return like a thing that happens when you age?

Is that... Well, the theory behind Saturn Return is that so the sun comes around the Earth every 28, 29 years. And so because you've like reached one of your full sun rounds, you're apparently supposed to go absolutely insane. That's why 30-year-olds are all bonkers. Exactly, because they're coming off the back of their Saturn returns. And so like when you're 28, apparently like you have an identity crisis and you don't know who you are. And a lot of people like move countries and quit their jobs and leave their relationship. because that's the year you've got to do it.

It's like your first midlife crisis before you reach midlife. I feel like I've had about 65 Saturn returns in the space of three months. I feel like I've changed personalities a million times. Really? Yes. I'm only 25. Maybe I'm getting a pre-saturn. I'm getting like a Jupiter return.

You're early. Yeah, Venus. Give me Venus. Probably why I have sweating all the time. So what have you got scheduled for the next year? It's hard to go and travel overseas and go too crazy under lockdown. Yeah, so what's your rebel plan? Honestly, my rebel plan, maybe this is not funny, but I started going to the doctor.

Oh. And I know it's like a very weird thing to say. Did you know you can go to the doctor and they will fix what is wrong with you? What the fuck? And this is absolutely blown my mind. And so that's kind of my little rebellion against myself, which is like, I didn't know. This is a weird thing to say. When you're young, you think you're invincible.

And then when you're 28, you go, oh, my knees are bit sore. I probably should check that out. So that's how I've, my standard of return is actually manifested by getting new bed sheets sent to me by bedthreads, like you've bedthreads. And also I'm fixing my broken body. There you go. This segment sponsored by Linen Bedsheets and the Australian Medical Association. Yeah. Yeah, can we get some fucking free surgery?

That'd be great. Can I get a free surgery? I don't know. Maybe I'll have to make a joke about it. Try and influence your way to a doctor's surgery for free. Can we, can we think about like a fun doctor tweet that we can do? Ooh, or like free dental. That shit's expensive.

Oh, yeah, free dental. My teeth are jacked. Dental's so expensive. Yeah. It truly is I haven't worked my way up to sat and returning my dental, but when my knee is fixed. Guess what? I'm going to go crazy and I'm going to brush my teeth.

The Chaser Report is sponsored by Zoom Weddings, where it's fine apparently for a couple to ask you to watch them kiss over Zoom, but you ask for anything more and suddenly that's weird? Like, what? No, it's a double standard. I'm bringing attention to the double stand. Ah, what do you mean? No, it's not weird.

Jeez, Louise. Just before we go, big congratulations to Baz Lawman and Mulan Rouge, the first ever Australian winner of Best Musical, I believe, at the Tony's. Incredible work. Gabby. Yeah. Weren't you meant to win a bunch of Tonys? Oh, not only was I meant to win a bunch of them, Dom.

I was also meant to be nominated for one. And I wasn't either. I wasn't nominated for an Emmy. Or a Tony. My egot dreams went to shit this year. That's fraud. The only reason I hired you is because I thought you had nominated for an Emmy Award and a tiny award.

And as somebody who was a part of one of the only original musicals to come out of 2020, I got to say, it's a fucking stitch up. If you're not across this, Gabby is one of the creators of Ratatusical. The TikTok musical based on Disney's beloved Ratatouille. And look, we're not saying that it's a good musical, but it's like process of elimination deduces that it's one of the, only ones in Best Original Musical. Who is this Bez-Lerman upstart anyway?

He didn't have Wayne Brady. You had Wayne Brady. Wayne Brady was at the Tonys. He won a Tony. So wait a minute. Mulan Rouge won a Tony. Yes. There's now a musical of Mulan Rouge.

Keep up with the Great White White, Charles. So the terrible movie has been made into a terrible musical and then won all the awards. You didn't hear it from me, but it actually is a terrible musical. That's what I would say if I'd lost a Tony. To Mulan Rouge in the past few days. I'm not bitter. I'm just better. Look, you know what?

I've got to get my heart set on the BAFTAs. Or, you know, better yet, the Helpmans. You could do the Helpmans. Yeah, do the Helpmans. Anybody listening to this, if you have any association with the Helpmans, I don't even care what the award is for. It could be the biggest dickhead. Oh, no, no.

That goes to Baz Lueman. Well, Charles is back and the podcast got depressing. The ratings went up, I would note, while I was away. They did. Thank you for that, everyone. Fuck you all to all the people. who listened to it more while I was away. Fuck you!

Today's code word if you'd like to leave a review on Apple Podcasts is why did you come back, Charles? It's really helpful if you subscribe or follow the podcast. I think that's why the numbers have gone up, actually, because lots of people have been subscribing. Thank you for that. Our gears from road microphones. We're part of the A-Cast, Creator Network.

Catch you tomorrow. We'll be back tomorrow with Baz Luhrman, Dom Knight and Charles Firth. You guys can all get fucked. Fuck you.