The Chaser Report - Nina is Disgusting | Nina Oyama

Episode Date: September 5, 2021

Nina joins the show today to share a truly disgusting cautionary tale of personal hygiene in lockdown. Gabbi is excited at ABBA's return, and Charles shares yet another hangover experience. Plus a Chaser Report first as John tells a story about sport! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Hand Me Down Furniture. What is that stain? Where did it come from and just how much do you insist it's not piss? Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to another week at The Chaser Report. It's Monday the 6th the September, Dom Knight, Gabby Bolt and Charles Firth. Hello. I am feeling a little bit sore.

Vaccination, self-flagellation, injury. What's going on? Did you fall over? So this happened on Saturday. I wanted to have a drink with my wife in the afternoon. You're allowed. I'm an adult. And I haven't drunk for a while.

It's been sort of a week. Yeah, it's been about a week since I've drunk. I'm so impressed, Charles. Maybe more like two weeks, actually. In a pandemic lockdown. Oh, no, I know. That's, see, my whole life is changing. I shaved my hair.

That's like earth shattering. I know, I know. In non-pandemic terms, it's like being sober for 40 years. Yeah, it's like Aber reforming. Charles having a few weeks off the booze. It's like that level of world news. We've turned back time to the 70s. So the first thing is probably wasn't completely match fit, right?

But also there was literally about a glass and a half worth of wine left over from a couple weeks before that I had just put on the kitchen counter because the Niel wasn't drinking. And I just thought, well, what's the harm? I'll just start off with that wine. Waste not, Wondot, Charles. Waste not one dot, exactly. This is a pandemic. We've got a, you know, scarce resources and all that.

And it did, I mean, admittedly, it did taste just a little bit fruity or sort of vinegory, really. Uh-oh. You know, just gave it a bit of a squeeze of lime, a little bit of soda water in it just to cover the taste. And it was completely all right, right? Oh, dear. So then, skip for, say, 12 hours, this is Sunday morning.

I have never had a hangover as bad as the hangover. I didn't even drink that much. I drank, like, probably another couple of glasses of wine that was it. But my God, do not drink off wine. Was it the off wine or was it your softness? Had you turned into me by not drinking for a few weeks? Because I often, after a particularly wine, a glass or two, I can feel downright out of it. Maybe you've just become soft.

There's not the wine at all. What do you think, Gabby? What do you think, Gary? Well, I always thought wine was better the older it was. That's what I was always told. It didn't occur to me that it goes off at all. I think once you've taken it off and you've exposed it to the air. Oh.

Yeah, no, it's never occurred to me. I've never left wine open in the air. It's always either finished or closed, ready to be drunk. It's never out of. Very wise. Very wise. You avoid this dilemma entirely. I think we need to approach this as a scientist.

Oh, yes. And what we need to do is a control. So we need you to drink heavily for the next month, if you wouldn't mind. Okay. Yes, yes. I can do that. Try some wine that's been left out for a month. I love how Gabby has got a gin bottle out.

It's a glass too. I wasn't even talking to you, Gavin, but you're taking up the gauntlet. I like it. I like it. And then you can tell Charles, whether it's your softness or that off wine is no good. On today's show, John. has a bizarre story from the world of American football. Also, Nina joins us for a truly disgusting tale. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Day and Mino in the Chaser

newsroom. Scott Morrison has expressed confusion regarding the Japanese Prime Minister's decision to step down over their slow response to COVID by asking if he tried blaming Dan Andrews first. Scott offered to give Japan some of his own state premiers for him to pass blame onto, saying that he's got so many extras he'd be happy to share. A host of emergency chaplains have been sent into the coalition to help quell rampant alarmist anxiety among MPs regarding the new line-up of the Wiggles. It comes after coalition MPs have urged the Prime Minister

to send more religious chaplains into schools. However, the effect of having more priests hanging around schools has actually increased children's anxiety. The head of horse deworming brand Ivermectin has been delighted to hear that the world's idiots keep eating his medicine. While making no claims for the product's efficacy in fighting human illnesses, the CEO confirmed that he was able to pay his staff a sizable bonus this quarter.

That's the latest Chaser headlines. I'm Rebecca Dayuna Muno. Say hi to your dad for me. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Hand Me Down Furniture. Because yeah, that cheap bedside table that you've chaotically painted millennial pink and put resin on totally looks expensive. Good job on the upcycling. Here's the first for the Chaser Report, a story about sport. John Delmenico has been watching American Sport. Hey, John.

Hi, so one of the things as one of the writers here is I have to look at the news all the time, but I've got most of the stories out because no one cares. But I decided to bring one to the podcast that we couldn't write articles about because no one cares. So I decided to go to the interesting topic of high school American football. So the bar for the podcast is lower than the website. It makes a total sense. Right.

So we're in Friday Night Live. Dreams are being made in U.S. high school sport, is that right? Yeah, so there's been some controversies around in America, so they pulled some stuff from TV and had open slots on ESPN. And one of the ways that they've been feeling it is through top-level high school sport. Really? And so one of the games was the top-ranked American football team for a high school versus a team called Bishop Sycamore High School.

Right. and that was televised to the nation it was a 58 and zero loss which during the game the commentators halfway through questioned how they could get to a point where there's a 30-0 half-time score they thought it was very mean that these teenagers

are getting put on TV just to be absolutely demolished should they be like a mercy rule or something ESPN who aired it put out a statement saying that a mistake had clearly been made and that they felt bad they were under the impression that the team was more successful than it was and they should have done their proper due diligence

which I swear this gets interesting because the group in charge of all the high school football in America their statement came out that that team does not exist in any division Wait, what? So like they pranked their way to a football game well that's where the story became interesting and out of nowhere this small town issue

we then became big news stories in America where all these different journalists trying to get what happened who are these people who are playing this game. It's like the Harlem Globetrotters who play every single game against a ring-in team called the Washington Generals. I remember saying like an ad for the Harlem Globetrotters games and it was like

can the Harlem Globetrotters continue there and I'm not making this up 1,172 game winning streak against the Washington General's like obviously. Unlike the Harlem Globetrotters the losing team was the team that doesn't actually exist. of course so there wasn't ringings

who came in to just demolish this game but the school claimed that they were definitely a school and that they definitely were in football leagues which then led to the group in charge announcing

that there had been an application but they failed to meet the requirements to be considered the high school football team and so they didn't get put into a league so they did they end up on TV in front of the best team in the well so that's a That's the thing about this story that I love

is the more that people find answers to these questions just the more questions arise especially around how ESPN let this happen Wow So more stuff came out of out of the school Because journalists were like Well how do you fail to get To meet the requirements to be a high school football team

The only requirements are being in high school And having a football team Yeah that's true Because like not making Div 1 Sounds like a thing that could happen Yeah Not being a team at all is tricky That's a good point

Because surely the whatever it is 18 best kids or whatever at the school How crap they may be, that's the team So they had played six games all up Where the differential between points is nearly 300 points all up Then they went to the location of the school Which was a PO box This is the equivalent of when like an actor lies on their resume For an audition

Like I can speak 16 languages And then all of a sudden they're thrown into a role they have to speak exclusively German and then they're fucked. This is hilarious. So the school footbacked like, oh, we're online only. And that's how, so that's why it's a PO box. No. Which even there is not how it's supposed to work.

How do you train an online only football team? Do they have Zoom sessions to practice passing? When you're applying to become a team, you have to show your training schedule. You have to show you have a team and you have a place to train. So they went to the place they put down the place where they train. and it was an apartment block I mean it does raise it does raise all kind of questions for us to chase it

which is could we have an NRL team and I think I think we should definitely be an NRL team yeah I hate sport but I'd watch this no you'd be in the team yeah you're in the team yeah you're in the team fake sport I'm 100% on board yeah we just have to turn up get beaten by a very large margin and then get checks I think it's a bad idea

do we have to bubble our own urine Yeah Wait I've missed like 16 steps How did we get there We have to put our penis in wine This is why I can't enter sport I don't get how we got

You don't have a penis Well no It's more that I just don't know all the scandals I'd have to like I have a 20 years of crime to catch up on Yeah Wait back to like the actual story Is there more

Journalists asked around the apartment block To find if there was any information And what people who live there said that once a month a group of young men like 30 young men who could be a football team no train at the gym inside the um like inside the parliament block we're not supposed to be there what the fuck wait so they never actually play football they just like they hang jog for a bit well and then more more stuff came out where there's allegations that the coach might have it might have an investigation against him for fraud in another state.

I mean, that's not a message surprise. That's the least surprising part of this story, John, at this point. I hate this country. You know why? Because we put so much effort into trying to falsify our shit. And people find and they check it and they double check it. And it takes ages. Like, I don't think people understand when we try and stunt someone,

we have to write a whole punch of stuff, make up a bunch of background info. It sounds like in America. You can get on a national fucking broadcaster. doing fuck all. Mind you, in fairness, it does sound like that school exists more than Trump University. But I mean, look, I actually think this is the sort of sports content I want to watch John. I mean, my team in the English Premier League Arsenal is not won a single point.

So far this, you haven't scored a single goal. I want them to play a team from a fake high school and win like 100 nil. That's the one thing that would cheer me up during this lockdown. That's the only sports rorts I want to see in this. country. Well, there's still another twist that came from this story. What the fuck? Another one. Where a parent of one the players came forward and spoke to some

journalists and showed stuff that suggests that that player is the youngest player on the team. And that player is an adult who has already graduated high school. They're all not even high school age. That's amazing. I've never felt more of an urge

to watch sport in my life. Well, John, John, I never thought I'd say this, but thank you for bringing us a story from high school. Or is it? I think we're going to need to spin this into its own podcast. This is a true crime podcast. Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Hand Me Down Furniture. Retro is in.

But, you know, only fun, expensive 70s pieces, not a broken mid-2003 test of drawers. Sort of that. We've got Naina on. And because you are really disgusting, apparently, are here? I, look, I like to think that I was not disgusting, and then I went through lockdown, and lockdown has made me disgusting. It has made me, and also my friends, because we're just, like, around our housemates all the time, and there's no lines, like, there's no etiquette, like, we've just given up, we're just animals now.

Could it be that you were always a bit disgusting and you just become a lot more disgusting? No, I don't think so, Charles. I think I was very, I had a lot of manners. I was very considerate. I was very hygienic. Yeah, we used to record in the same room last year, and I don't remember any noticeable smell. I don't remember you smelling. I mean, Charles often does when you're in the studio within them, but I don't remember you

adding another fragrance to the mix last year. No. Look, I think Charles is actually right. I am disgusting and have also always been disgusting. But I think this lockdown has having me reach a new level of, like, grotesque. Like, just no, like, no holds barred. No, there's no boundaries anymore for me personally. And I know that I'm not the only one, right?

Of course not. And I now have evidence for this theory. because I actually had to leave home to go to a workplace. Oh, don't do that. Yeah, in two and a half months. I know, and I really do think, like, I do think that they should have a list of rules of, like, common human etiquette because I feel like I crossed some kind of animalistic threshold,

me and my friend, who I will not name, but who is a friend of the show. Is this name Jan Fran? No, although I will. a funny story about Jan Fran, which is that she bullied me once at a TV event when I was 19, about 10 years ago, and I had to leave because I was crying.

Oh, wow. Which is pretty funny. No, no, no, it was actually very funny in retrospect. The other obvious friend of the show, Charles. But anyway. Right, okay. Yes, it's a friend of the show that you probably could guess if you... If you weren't, Charles, yes, that's right.

If you weren't Charles. But, so me and my friend, we went to like a live TV, record first oh god it's going to be so easy to guess who this friend no it doesn't matter um we went to like a live tv recording um for a show and it was like a COVID safe workplace right so we had to like mask up and it was like very intense getting in and getting out but i was just happy to like be out of the house and we went to the record the record were smashingly like it was so good um but during the record we both drank like full bottles of water because there was free water and you're

like you know free stuff i love it and so we smash these waters and then because it's a live record you can't leave like you can't get up to leave because the show just has to keep yeah it's like a hostage situation in the in the room that's right it's exactly like it's a hostage situation and they have guns to your head and they're like laugh you have to laugh and then you have to laugh and that's how it works no I'm just kidding it's um they make jokes and they're naturally funny and then then you laugh at the jokes I will say that when you need to pee it is kind of more stressful to laugh because you know that's it's the same muscle so it's a lot It's quite stressful and it makes me quite anxious because I'm like, am I laughing or am I going to pee myself?

Anyway, so me and my friend, we were sitting together and when they, you know, did the last segment, they did like a stop down, that's what called, stop down, which is where they cut the cameras and then they kind of figure out what they need to pick up. And during the stop down, we were like, okay, we're going to pee. Like, we've been holding it in for a full hour. We've been drinking nothing but water. We've been laughing, it's like, we just need a release. So we both, like, run to the toilet with permission from the full.

floor manager and my friend who's like also hasn't been around people goes you know what nina we should have a piss race we should we should see who can do the quickest piss yeah and and i'm competitive she's competitive like we're both both went to select schools so we're like we're in the toilet and then she like obviously is a lot quicker than me and she fully starts pissing and i'm just like i'm kind of like slow and steady wins the race you know it's like a real tortoise hair situation And as we're both urinating, she goes, she goes, oh, no, Nina, I've pissed on the floor. And in her haste to beat me in the piss race, she had peed onto the ground. And then also we were in cubicles adjacent to each other.

So I just see this little trickle running into my stall. And I'm like, oh, no. And you know what? I will say, like, I did lose the race. Like, I did. No. I win the piss race But I did get all my piss into the bowl.

The person who doesn't foul the other person's cubicle Is the Witted by default, I reckon? I don't know what the industrial rules are for piss racing. I actually do think that you should be disqualified If the P doesn't make it all the way into the ball. But like, then we just like went out And I was texting her later And I was just trying to start stuff

And be kind of a dickhead. And I was like, hey, remember when you pissed on the floor And I sent it in one of those messages with the fireworks. You know how on the iPhone settings? You can do like fun effects. And then she goes, yeah, I remember. And she had taken a picture of the piss that she did on the floor. And she's like, yeah, I remember.

And she sent me this picture. And I was like, we should not be allowed out of the house. Like I was like, we're animals. This is disgusting. This is like primordial swamp level debauchery. And to be honest, like, I'm not proud of it. I regret having. involved myself in this situation because

I'm already a grub and even that line I was like. It doesn't stop. Because once you open that floodgate, it sounds like it was literally a floodgate. I agree. I mean, I think literally you are almost as disgusting as the average man. Yeah, I was just thinking it's nothing

like we go outdoors but also the male version of piss racing is definitely whoever lasts the longest wins. There's no doubt about that. Why? Who can piss in their mouth the quickest. Yeah. Well, in rugby, in rugby world.

Yeah, pissing match. Sort of more competitions. But what about literal ones? Like, it's... I just think that this is clearly a competitive sport. Like, particularly for the, think of the Brisbane Olympics, if there's one sport that is typically Queensland, it's having a big way in public.

I mean, that's every night in Fortitude Valley people are having a go at that sport. I think you and your friend who I've guessed who it is should represent Australia. Yeah, you can call it a urination. It's fantastic idea. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Hand Me Down Furniture. Oh, for fuck's sake.

So Abba are back. I don't know if you guys have heard this. Abba, back. They're back. I can't quite believe it. Isn't it like a hundred years since their last single? 40, dumb. But I'm so excited because Abba was my favorite band when I was 10.

My mom had a cassette tape of Abba that I broke from overuse. Wow. So she, for my ninth birthday, gave me a DVD of Aba Gold, which is all of their music videos on DVD. It's something you could literally make yourself these days. But back then it was $25 and it was my favorite DVD in the whole wide world. I watched it over and over and over again. And then I cried for four hours because at the end of watching this for the sixth time or something, my mom was like, oh, you really like Abba? And I said, yeah, can we go see them sometime?

Oh, it's 2005. And so my mom had to tell me that they weren't a bear. hadn't been a band for at least a decade, and I could never, ever see them live, ever. And I cried all night. Like, I had never been that devastated by anything in my life. So I am so excited they're back. That was until I saw what the tour is going to be.

Oh, yeah. And what is the two going to be? This is concerning. Yeah, this is weird. Do you understand what they're actually doing? Because I read the description, it didn't make any sense to me at all, Gabi. It's like CGI, right? Yeah, it's holograms.

Like that weird Kanye thing. Even now, the whole reason I was excited was that one day, maybe in my prospective future, I could see ABBA live. And I can't even do that because they're not going to be there. It's holograms. I may as well watch my ABBA Gold DVD. No way, man. I'm pumped for this. I want to see like the ABA robots.

Like, it's the future. Sorry, Gabby. I know that you're like romanticising DVDs and cassettes, but this is where it's at. I'm going to watch ABBA while I play Fortnite. I'm going to watch Abba while I'm on TikTok I'm going to, this is weird because you're younger than me and I'm coming in for the Gen Z's. Only by like two years.

That's enough to separate us. I am very, I'm the opposite. I'm like, let's see. Like, it's like Abba and what's that band? The gorillas? Yeah. Yes, the guerrised Abbas. That's what it is.

I suppose you're right. Wouldn't you rather see the classic 70s version, even if it's a faked up hologram version like that? To me, I want to see that visual style of all the weird white stuff and the flares and all that. I don't want to see 2012, 21, Abba, in their 70s. They've got new music. Yeah, but Dom, it's going to be the actual people in Abba doing all the moves. They're dressing up in the hologram suits to do the movements,

which means they'll be all old and crinkly and not able to move. Not move very well. Yeah, exactly. Because it's the old people doing it. Aren't they just recording it once? It's going to be the worst of all worlds. So creaky bones with a young hologram. That's a very strange idea.

I think it's going to be fantastic. I think they can use the technology to airbrush them, make them look more agile, like move in cool. Have you seen cats? Incredible movie. It's going to be like that. Yeah, and maybe they'll edit in their buttholes as well. Oh my God, that's all I want to see is Beahom's butt hole.

Actually, I am there for that. I stay correct if there's butt holes on board. Please leave a review on Apple Podcasts. Our gear is remote microphones and we're part of the ACAS. Create a network. Catch you later. Make sure to comment on all of our appearances. Yay!