The Chaser Report - No More Cancer OR Eccy Tuesdays

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

Charles has spent most of 2023 bringing you "good news stories" in which he sarcastically delivered the worst news you've ever heard. Not today. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Hello, Charles. This is going to be one of these episodes where you talk about AI, but I don't want to issue any spoilers early on, but you told me, you promised me this would actually be a positive AI story and not I'm gathering in the ironic sense we've been using so much throughout the year.

Yeah, that's right. This is unbridled optimism. rather than the sort of bridled optimism that is actually pessimism, masking his optimism. Yes, we're very good at bridling optimism here. It's kind of become a trademark. But no, good to switch things up. And not only that, but this is the first sort of welcome to the future style episode

where we talk about technology that doesn't involve any Bluetooth. And I think there might be a mild connection between the fact that this is an unbridledly optimistic episode and there's no Bluetooth. You know, if there's one thing that, Bluetooth is good at, Jails. It's extremely mild connections. Yes. Well, there you go.

Well, maybe we should have an ad break to get some money and then we'll... Oh, yeah. Let's bridle our podcast briefly to make some money for those who haven't paid to remove ads such as this one. Okay, so there's two stories. Which one do you want first? The one about drugs or the one about cancer? Hang on a sec. This was the unbridled optimism episode.

Which one do you think I'm going to... I'm going to feel more optimistic about. Oh, cancer. The cancer is amazing. They're both good. They're both great news stories. I never thought I said. Charles, give me cancer.

So, the thing is, this is just the most amazing story of it. Okay, so this bakery in Japan had a problem because they're one of those shops that sells like hundreds of different varieties of pastries. And they'd automated the whole process of making them all. But then the problem was the checkout staff were getting really confused about which one was which and so they couldn't work out what they were selling and what price each one should be and they initially came up with this this is like back 15 years ago they came up with this solution which was to package all their pastries in plastic right and all their consumer

research showed that people think of plastic wrapped pastries as stale right which is sort of obvious right like even though they're freshly made if the if the if you get them in a plastic bag you go oh these are obviously made months ago made months ago they didn't want to do that they had no idea what to do and so what they did is they developed this rudimentary AI system like starting 15 years ago back in 2007 which was able to distinguish as you're putting each pastry into your basket yeah to distinguish which one is which so the staff at this amazing pastry store in japan which is apparently chang are not there to sort of add up the total like by the time you get to the checkout the basket already knows how much you are they're

just there to be friendly and nice to you what a good idea yeah so have you ever been because you go to japan all the time i haven't been to a pastry place like that but the japanese chain uniclo has these baskets at the checkout basically where you just chuck all your stuff into a basket and it automatically tell you magically works it out right so this is it's probably based on the same system Because what happened is this bakery, well, what happened? The next step is amazing, which is this doctor went to Japan and was amazed by this checkout basket system, right? Sure. And he was, he'd been studying cancer cells.

And he was going, well, actually, the shape of pastries is not dissimilar to the shape of cancer cells, right? Like, they sort of all look roughly similar, but they're also, you know, the things that you look for are these similar shapes in a mass. massive cells, right? Right. So he rang up the bakery place and said, can I get a copy of that software that you're using that you've developed and try it out to help me sort out the cancer cells from the non-cancer cells? So let me just jump in here because the system at Uniclo,

I think probably uses NFC and the tags or something like that. So you're saying the software can actually tell based on the shape of the pastry. Yes. It's entirely based on the shape. How interesting. So he goes away, sets it up with the cancer cells. works perfectly. It's brilliant. Revolutionises cancer treatments or cancer research because you know, like it absolutely massively sped up the ability to, you know, take a sample of

something and work out whether there were cancer cells growing in it, right? Yep. He started doing that in 2017. That's when he sort of went to Japan and realized what an amazing piece of software that was. Then other people have started using the same pattern recognition software for a whole lot of other different things. So, yeah, analyzing tissue samples for cancerous cells, analyzing the readouts of big physics experiments, like, you know, when you're trying to sort through a whole lot of data from space and stuff like that, this program, which was originally designed to sort pastries, is now being applied to sort of outer space and making all these physics

breakthroughs. And then also things like jewelry purveyors are using it to sort through stones and different types of jewellies and things like that to make their life easier. And you just go, that's a good new story. It doesn't replace anyone. It adds value to your life and it cures cancer. I've always

said, Charles, that pastries were very important and should be pursued as a top priority in all things. They could also just think of the other wonderful uses they could use for this software for. They could use it at nightclubs, for instance, to see if you were looking enough to get in. If you're the right shape,

if you had the right body fat and the right place, wouldn't get in, but people who look really buff, get straight, just purely based on their physical appearance, in an objective inverted commas manner, that would be great for society, wouldn't it? I love it. And I'm sure there'd be no racial profiling in that. None. Of course not. No. Yeah, because

it's a robot. It's subjective. I just also will note one of the other uses that this software has never been put is to detect problems in the wiring on jet engines. That sounds like a good thing to detect. Yeah. So you're going net positive to humanity and no Bluetooth. So, I mean, it's sort of

Perfect. Actually, can I just sort of backtrack a bit on that good looking nightclub thing? Sure. Which is, so we just have done our national tour of our show, right? All very successful and everything like that. But the one thing that I was having trouble with during the run was getting people to participate in the quiz. We usually get three people up on stage. I saw it.

And everywhere, people just weren't volunteering very willingly. So when I got to Melbourne, which was our last set of shows, I came up with this idea. which is to just say, okay, hands up if you think you're really good looking, because we only want good-looking people up on stage tonight. It totally worked. Like, how vain are our audience that you'd always get about two or three people putting up their hand going, oh, yeah, I'm good-looking. And then they suddenly are volunteering for the quiz.

And the added benefit is a bit of eye candy on stage wasn't a bad look. Like, they were right. They were the best-looking people in the crowd. So the van diagrams of people who think they're really good-looking and presumably are, because they're. will have been told by everybody. And I'm confident dickheads who want to speak on stage and be in your tour. They overlap.

Yeah, I can see how that would work. Yep. You're a human AI. Yeah. We should use AI to just select the quiz people beforehand. In fact, we should actually use AI to filter out people who are and aren't allowed to buy tickets to our show. Yes, very good idea. Very good idea.

Well, that is quite positive, given the applications. But, I mean, I just want to know when this is coming to. Supermarkets, Charles, because I'm absolutely sick to death of the scanning. Doing it yourself, it's boring as bad shit. Yes. When's AI? Like, they've got cameras everywhere. Instead of using the cameras to try and catch us if we're not paying for things,

why don't they use the cameras to fucking scan the products? But don't you think the problem will be, the number of false positives on that self-checkout is like 100%. At no point has the machine ever been correct when it stopped me. Like, it's just all I, you know, alert, alert. What does this mean? Does this mean, well, you do look very suss. It's profiling it.

Does this then mean that the Pastry's computer is wrong as well? Thereby the cancer cell detection is actually wrong. I mean, yes. We haven't discussed this. We haven't discussed, I mean, sure, it's a computer and it's probably better than nothing. But all these systems have a huge error rate, don't they? No, no, no. This is what I'm saying is because it's Japanese and it's made by a baker.

Oh, because it's Japanese. Yes, it works. The problem with bringing it over here is that there M Woolworths wouldn't use it to help you check out your groceries they'd use it to do something like um you like work out which workers to sack oh yes that's what they do or which work you know which customers to tase on their way out the door yeah well they'd use it with their pokies to work out which who were the most desperate and vulnerable who'd just been given their paycheck oh no that is exactly what they do they'd use it to actually just literally work out which customers they can rob

they can fleece the most yes The most innumerate customers would just get like an extra surcharge and they wouldn't realize it on their bill. Oh, hang on a sec, Charles. This is getting negative and depressing again. Let's go back to the positivity. And you said you had another story, which is also uplifting. So let's leave the sad, inevitable use of this technology to fleece pokey victims. Let's just park that as inevitable and move on to something else positive.

After this. Okay. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. Okay, so this is the best news And Dom, I know that you don't take drugs So it's probably less good news for you Than I haven't thus far But if some of my concerns about them

Such as the provenance The risks of what it might be contaminated with And just the general health risks I'm not opposed to the idea of chemicals That make me happy It'd be nice for something to someday Well, I do think, look, to be honest That's not the scope of this podcast

But I do think that David, what's his name Who's a friend of the show. What's his name? David Little, perhaps. No, not David Little. What's the name of the Greens guy who occasionally comes on this show? Richard Donatello? No, the really nice guy.

Oh, David Shoebridge. David Shoebridge. It's so hard to tell one white man for another these days. You know the drugs are essentially legal in Canberra now because of the Greens running the state down there, or not the territory down there? Have you been down yet to take advantage? No. I have, well, we went to Canberra, but I didn't get any drugs. But anyway, I hear that people are, it's the one thing that's finally got people to go to Canberra.

Yeah, no, I've heard that there's party. And Michaelia Cash has created a meme because she, she went into Parliament and outlined all the reasons for why people are coming to Canber for the drugs and the cocaine and the clear, you know, the safety and the drugs. And she was thinking that it was all a negative thing. And so it's been turned into a pop song and everything. There you go. The point is, this breakthrough is not that. But, you know, so that needs to happen. But this breakthrough is pretty amazing.

So, as you may know, there's a sort of microdosing sort of study going on across the world. Like, they've sort of realized that MDMA has amazing psychological benefits, especially to help couples communicate with each other and to help with empathy. And, you know, they've tried it out on soldiers and things like that. And it's helped with PTSD. and it's made people, you know, permanently less racist. Like, there's all these amazing benefits. I've talked to medical professionals about the benefits of microdressing MDMA.

I understand that this is a real thing and that you're not just making it up because you want MDMA, although that may also be true. But I just wonder, Charles, how much MDMA would you need? Bearing your mind he's a large guy to make Ben Roberts Smith not a murderer. Is that a megadogist? Well, I think this might be the property. Problem is there's not enough MDMA. in the world.

Interesting. To give him an empathy transplant. But no, this is a thing that's being tested. Yeah, it's a real thing. Particularly in Canber, I guess. So the one thing that researchers, and this is in Europe, this is, I think, in the Netherlands, where they started noticing that none of the patients that they were giving the real MDMA to, like not the control group, were getting any sort of hangover the next day.

You know how there's always this idea of the Ecky Tuesday. Yes, yes, yes. I've seen, I've been up close to people going through that and it's not pretty. Yeah, no, exactly right. It's as though you have a finite amount of joy. If you take the ecstasy and sort of fit all your joy into a few hours of intense joy, then you pay the price with misery for the next few days. Yes, and the theory was actually that what ecstasy does is it taps into your serotonin. Yep.

And it floods your brain with serotonin. And then you sort of end up with a deficit, you know, the next few days, as you just said. Like that's the actual chemical sort of reaction that was assumed to be going on, right? But no matter how had they tried, they could not get their patients to have these sort of hangover effects. Like it just wasn't happening. And this was a phenomenon across the world. So then somebody decided to do a study on the hangover effects of ecstasy, like to actually try and work out what variable was missing. You know, was it that the medicinal doses were just not big enough to trigger.

some sort of terrible hangover style effect? Or was it that, you know, it was too pure, you know, and that actually there was something else going into commercially available MDMA. So there's the stuff they cut it with that might have been causing the hangover. And in doing this study, they realized that actually the impact on the brain of ecstasy is not what was widely assumed. It doesn't flood your brain with serotonin and then lead to a deficit. It just is not true.

It's just completely not true. It has a whole lot of different other effects and it opens up reactors and things of that. There's no sort of deficit thing that goes on later on. And what Eki Tuesday has now been sort of like peer reviewed, proven to sort of be, is a non-existent effect. And that actually what's going on with Eki Tuesdays seems to be that if you spend all night on drugs, partying and you just dance.

like for hours and hours and hours on end and chat to lots of people and spend tons of energy, you feel a bit tired a couple of days later. So it's just just literally, it's nothing to do with the drug. Like, if you did that without any drugs, you would still feel shit a couple of days later. It's just literally not enough sleep. That's very funny. The microdosing works because it's not completely destroying you with exhaustion. Yeah, that's right.

Microdosing works, but also if you get up and have an ecstasy at 8 a.m., and it's all over and you get it at good night's sleep that night, you'll be fine. Like, as we head into summer dom, is that not the best news ever? Does it not make you want to go immediately down to Canberra? No, I've interviewed people from the drug testing Senate. It certainly didn't make me want to take drugs the amount of shit that they found in the drugs. Yeah. But on the bright side, it sounds as though there is a happy medium.

So, Charles, you could experiment with this quite legally, couldn't you in Canberra. Well, I think, is it legal or is it just not illegal? No, it's not legal, actually. They've just decriminalised it, I think, for personal... It's just like there's no consequence. It's not completely Hamstadam, no. Yeah, no, it's sort of like, you go down there and they go, ooh, you took drugs, nor do you. Yeah, that might not be the exact nature of the system, but let's go with that for the time.

No, that's actually ironclad legal advice. If you get into trouble, just refer the authorities to me. Very good. Okay, well, look, these are good things. No, I'm glad to hear that all the assholes I'd spend time with coming down, of ecstasy. It wasn't ecstasy that was to blame. It was there an incredibly stupid lifestyle choices. And it's just there innate assholeism.

Well, in many cases, yes, yes, that's right. But look, and I think I've just worked out the perfect application for the AI that sorts through things. Oh. Which is, we could buy a whole lot of drugs, get the AI, and then it could sort it through which ones to have next. I see. It could be, yeah, don't you think?

I see where you're going. It can, yeah. And maybe when I become a drug dealer, we can I can get it to sort all the different drugs for sale and so people don't have to we don't have to edit up great Charles you go do that go do that and tell everyone you're doing it on a podcast that it works well you know my phone number if you need something

hey if only people could see Dom's face right now to be honest I just need a microdose empty I'm made to get through the day I'm exhausted It is. I think this should be our last week, Don. I think on Friday. Let's call it in this week. I think that's right.

Yeah, we've called it for Albo. We're calling it for the chase. We'll come back next year. No, no, not forever, just for the year. We'll reserve some classic content for you so that the feed keep ticking over. Really? Yes. Well, I think we should do, I think we should do like once a week in January.

Yeah, sure. Why not? We do like a new episode. episode once a week in January. Yep. And then we come back firing in February. The whole new format. We've got some ideas for...

I wouldn't say whole new format. Some innovation may be evident. Let's just set expectations low at the stage. I love it. Vow are your expectations. This is the Chaser Report 2024. Exciting changes coming in 2024. If you're excited by modest evolution of the podcast show already.

Mildly excited. Changes Slightly different Gradually improve You know Gradually improvement Exactly A slightly new format

That will not really rock your world Coming soonish Great Great Done I would just know Before we leave That Spotify has a whole lot of

Posters up Plugging the fact that some podcast that they've done this year Has got six million downloads And I just go We've got more than that Fuck you Yeah we're just

It's actually about on seven, aren't we? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, and we don't have billboards. They've got billboards. Can we get billboards? That can't be expensive these days, can they? Can we afford billboards? Yeah, I think we just get a whole lot of billboards.

And there can be our slogan on the billboards. Mildly Exciting. Don't get too excited, but it will be slightly better. Half decent. Sometimes when they're not that depressed. Okay. Can we go now? I think we should.

Our gears from Rob, we are part of the iconoclass network. Get you tomorrow. Thank you.