The Chaser Report - No More Lockdowns Anywhere! (Except Sydney) | Dave Milner

Episode Date: July 27, 2021

Dom and Charles celebrate the joyful fact that everyone other than Sydneysiders is now out of lockdown. Their magnanimity even in the face of news that they’ll be locked down for at least another month shows you what wonderful people they are. Plus Zander goes to the Olympics and Aleksa heads down to Melbourne – disguised as a removalist – to cover the moment Victorians regained their liberty. We also cross to the voice of Melbourne, Dave Milner of The Shot, to taste the vibe of freedom. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by the crushed dreams of getting fit while in lockdown. You really thought it would happen, didn't you? You idiot. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report on Wednesday, the 28th of July. Charles, a day where very, very bad news is likely to break for us here in Sydney. That's right. It's four extra weeks of lockdown for everyone in this city. unless you're a property developer, in which case, you know, you can go back to work on Friday. But everyone else, it's locked down.

It's basically another four weeks of purgatory, Dom. This is a horrible day for everyone. And it's on the same day that Melbourne gets to be free and Adelaide gets to be free. Even Western fucking New South Wales get to be free. When have they ever been better than us? Charles, look, I know it's hard. I feel down too. But at times like this,

I turn to the little messages, little sayings that our friends elsewhere and we ourselves said we're in other places that had locked down. So let me just try a few of them on you and see if they make you feel better, all right? Charles, stay safe. Oh, what? Stay fucking safe. I've been in my fucking house for five weeks.

How much safer do you want me to fucking get? You've got this, Charles. You've got this. No, I don't. I haven't got this. Gladys certainly doesn't have this. Like, every day I sit at home doing fuck all, except this stupid podcast with all these stupid people around me on Zoom and everything like that.

And every day, it gets closer and closer to my house. There was a fucking breakout down the street. There's an outbreak in Zetland. There's a lie car. Like, it's all fucking around. Don't tell me I've got this. Apparently, the nearest hospital, to us, Charles.

We were turning around ambulances last night. Oh, fuck. Yeah, so it's not looking good. But don't forget. They've all got this. And this being the fucking COVID virus. Hey, hey, we're all on this together, Charles. We're all in this together.

No, we're not. We're not all in this together. Is Victoria in this together? No, they're out of fucking lockdown. Are the property developers? No, they're swanning around. Even the fucking singles get to go and have sex with other people. I'm going to have sex with the same person each night.

Charles, would you like to become a property developer with me? Oh, I am there. I am there. I am taking. And the good thing about New South Wales is you don't even have to follow the law. You don't have to follow lockdown laws. You also don't have to follow safety laws, basic laws of physics, engineering. Like, you can just build something and it collapses and you get off scot-free.

So what about Charles? Starting later today, we go and just... just demolish James Packer's new casino at Barangaroo. Like paint of glass by paint of glass. They're not going to use it. They're not getting their license. No. Let's just chip it away and take it down.

That makes us in the construction industry and we're not locked down. It's very good that the construction industry is free. And I think that the deconstruction industry should also be free from Friday. So I think that's a perfect plan. What are we got coming up on the show? Charles, we've sent Alex her down to Melbourne. He was there at the very moment when the town opened up again, the lucky bastard. Oh, the lucky bastard.

And also, we're talking to Dave Milner from the shot, the voice of Melbourne. I think we're going to try and get him to cheer us up and make us feel like there's an end in size. Tall order, but he is a very nice guy. And also we've got crossed to the Olympics with Xander, who's, of course, our correspondent in Tokyo this week. Why did we send all of the team out of Sydney for essential work and stay here ourselves? doesn't it doesn't make any sense well no no because aren't we we're heading down to hill song in mexico at the end of the week but first let's head to rebecca danamuno in the chaser newsroom the new south wales government has sent police to stand guard in front of a block of apartments in black

town to make sure no one leaves for two weeks due to covid this comes as a relief to the officers who have spent the last 20 years harassing the residents of these apartments now they finally have a legitimate justification to do it. Olympic swimmer Kaylee McEwen made history by setting a new Olympic record in the 100 metre backstroke. But the real highlight came during the live TV interview after the race. When she was asked what she wanted to say to her family, she quipped, I'll swim to your granddad's house and bite his fucking nose off, cunt.

A truly endearing once in a lifetime Olympic blunder. The organisation of petroleum exporting countries has had an emergency summit now that the US is pulling troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan. A spokesperson for the organization expressed nervousness, as now that the U.S. Army is no longer bogged down in the Middle East, any one of the OPEC member states could be invaded next. That's the latest Chaser News you can't trust. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno.

When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most? when your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard. When the barbecues lit but there's nothing to grill. When the in-laws decide that actually they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer. So download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus, enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees exclusions and terms apply.

Instacart, groceries that over deliver. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by the crushed dream of reading a single novel while in lockdown. Get real. You're not going to read the novel. These days, you can hardly bring yourself to read Facebook, you idiot. Now, Charles and Gabby, how are we feeling as Sydney Siders? Given that yesterday the numbers were worse than ever into our fifth week of lockdown and the numbers are still climbing, every day climbing.

in getting higher and higher as I hope just drank. You've got it all wrong. The thing is we should be proud of the fact that it's not doubling every five days. Yeah, if nothing else, New South Wales is the best at being the worst. Yes, exactly. If it wasn't for New South Wales amazing contact tracing, we would be in real trouble now. But instead, we're just in this ongoing trouble. It's Groundhog Day.

We're in, we wake up every single day and fucking sunny insurers on the radio and we can't escape this hole that we're in. Yes, yes. I don't know what to do. I honestly don't know what to do. There's only one thing that comes to mind. Yeah. And I hate to say this.

I really hate to say this. I think we've got to talk to someone from Melbourne. Yes. They got out of their lockdown last night. After a week, the way it was supposed to be here, it actually worked. They suppressed Delta for a second time. It's almost as though they know how to do this. Guys, what do you think?

We do it? Champions, yes. Okay. Dave, Nona, the editor of The Shots, our sister website. You've done it again, Dave. Dom, we have, you guys are going to have to swallow some pride. It sounds like here right now.

We don't have any left, Dave. We don't have any left. I never had pride. We moved it all down to Melbourne on that removalist track. Click on, look, all I'll say is cling on to whatever you got, all right? Because fucking hell. Well, can we just say one thing, which is that Victoria is the global gold standard. It's suppressing Delta.

Don't call them gold standard. We, fucking. hate that phrase okay nothing about any of this shit has ever been gone fucking standard so when when i caught up with a whole lot of my melbourne friends at the end of last year you know that brief period between all the different locked downs but are we now going to are we going to be like you and just suddenly be all angry and bitter and triggered kind of kind of charles absolutely yes that is absolutely what's coming there will be a few differences though one of the things that we were i mean part of it

is that we're going to be better about this than you world because, you know, we've been there and it fucking sucks and I just, Charles, I don't know if you remember this, but you like in the middle of the hell lockdown none of us want to talk about. You called me from a pool party.

You fuck with, Charles. I'm starting to think that you're the reason we're in this lockdown all of a sudden. But that being said, your press won't be as nuts as our press was. You've been a little government. You'll have a cushier time there. No, but that's not true.

Like, your press, your Herald Sun, your Sky News, that's why you were able to sort of get through the lockdown. Because you had, you know, a point of focus to go. Well, yeah, we rallied against, we had something to rally against. We had a bad guy that was actually productive to channel energy against. Whereas here, it's more complicated because, you know, the Murdoch Press, Sky News, Gladys Peridiclian,

they all seem to agree with each other. do. But it goes even further. Like Miranda Devine, I couldn't believe it almost fainted. She hates Morrison now. They're all ganging up on Morrison for fucking up the vaccines. It's actually quite bizarre. It's like seeing a dog eating its own tail.

I just think that happens with the Murdoch Press whenever reality jars within out of this badly just because they have to remain some form of plausible deniability that they're not just this conservative propaganda outlet. So yesterday the government in

South Wales. Because if you think it's just a federal government vaccine stroll out, then there is actually a few figures. Yesterday, the government in New South Wales announced that they would be setting up mass vaccination hubs for AstraZeneca in the most affected suburbs. And guess how long they're going to take to roll out these things, given that it's a total emergency. Well, have they outsourced this? They do that a bit. Well, the thing is that the announcement is coming on Friday and you'll start being able to book. And then it'll be another two and a half weeks before anyone will actually get a jab. Until Friday, you are still required, if you're less than 40 years old,

to get a note from your GP before you go and get EstraZeneca. So, I mean, it's just a complete fast. Gabby, how long do you think it's going to be until you get the jab as the youngest person on the call? Oh, well, actually, to be honest, I've sort of distracted myself, really, from researching it. Instead, I've gotten really into home improvement. And so I've actually been able to thrift a couple of pieces applied.

would. And they're perfect because they're just my height. And so I've sort of just been fashioning kind of like a cot or a bed sort of with walls. Like a screaming chamber. Yeah, I have a feeling that it might actually come a fair bit in handy because at the end of this lockdown, either the COVID will get me or I will just choose to not participate any longer. You can't get sensitive if you don't say it. So I take it you guys are all in extremely bad moods at the moment. No. Well, no, not at all.

Because you know what? Nothing gives you more perspective than the lack of will. So I feel ethereal as well as satanic, which is great. I hate to do this. But we have to. The three of us are still in prolonged hell. Dave, how good does it feel today? Come on.

Come on, tell us. No, I don't make me, don't mind you do that now. Go on. This is such a trap. Go on. What were your plans today? Were your plans like 10 a.m. coffee, noon lunch. Oh, my God.

Smashed some avocados, wonder the laneways. Look at a gallery. Have a coffee. Do the whole thing. Wearing black being a cunt about Sydney. You in a pub at 1201. Because of the whole, we haven't recorded life. I'm still under lockdown below.

Nine more. hours and I would appreciate some more sympathy from the rest of you guys. You fuck with. Charles, you called me from a pool party. Yeah, that's true. Four months into the worst period in my entire life, I'd gone insane.

And you're making me right about it the whole fucking time as well. And next one, he'll call you from underwater. One more thing. As the voice of Melbourne, as we'd like to call you. Please stop with that. For marketing purposes. Is there any change?

chance that just after this is all over, presumably we probably have about the same number of days that you did, can you maybe chat to your fellow Melbourneians and just get them to hate us just a little bit less? I will absolutely do that for you guys and a little bit. No promises. Charles did call me from a school. Yeah, can you just get them to hate Charles and like the rest of us? I will redirect the anger there.

That's it. That's the one. What I should do is I'll move to Brisbane and then everyone to be united. It's a common enemy. Enjoy the delicious freedom that is yours. You fucking pet shit. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by the crushed dream of getting out of your pajamas today while in lockdown. What are you thinking that anyone's going to care?

No one's going to see you, you idiot. Now, Charles, as you know, we're at The Chaser Report. We consider ourselves the first draft of history. Whenever history is made around Australia, we are there, aren't we? Oh, absolutely. which is why we actually wanted someone to be down in Melbourne for 12.01 a.m. last night. Yes.

To, you know, as Melbourne came out of lockdown. Amazing money. So what we did is we dressed Alexa up as a removalist. Yes. Sent him down to Melbourne to sneak into Melbourne. And he's joining us now. It's just ticking over 12.01 a.m. Alexa, how's it going down there?

It's great. It's great in Melbourne. I love it. No, it's going off. It's amazing. People are doing shooies here. People doing maskies. That's where you're drinking beer through your mask. It's absolutely brilliant. It's so much better than in Sydney. Actually, it's better than Sydney even before COVID. Has anyone spotted he was being from Sydney, Alex? Or has anyone realized that you're not a local? No, no, no. Look, I got my high vis on. I look like a removalist. It's completely fine here. Everyone's treating me like all the other Sydney removalists. How did you get out? Because aren't you, don't you live in southwestern Sydney? Yeah, see, that's the trick. I have to go out through the back door. So there are lots of police, like, all around the apartment complex. But there's bits that they missed, you know.

So I just slipped out the back, grabbed a free piano from Gumtree, and just pulled that across the border. And you're sounding quite good. You know, the last few days you've been a bit groggy. Has your cough cleared up, is it? Yeah, I think so. We actually just had a lot of spirits. That just knocked it straight out of me.

I'm feeling great. Could you taste the spirits, though, Alexa? No, they make them so well over here. They're just got a better culture, better bartenders. It's just, you can't even taste the alcohol. It just goes down. So do you think you might score tonight? Like, what's the vibe?

That's the best part, right? Because they've gotten rid of all the restrictions, but one of the restrictions that are still there is that you can't bring anyone back home, which is great for a guy like me because I usually get super nervous, and I get a lot of FOMO when I don't bring anyone home, but now that it's illegal, I can leave the club, you know,

feeling like I would have been successful if it wasn't for the restrictions. It's the perfect night out. Well, Alex, have a good time. And look, what I suggest is just make sure you leave something for Melbourne to remember you buy. I can't talk now. I'm currently being kissed by multiple, multiple people. There you go, Alex are live from the Victory Party as Melbourne comes out of lockdown, representing Sydney in that special moment.

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Try it yourself today because the best way out of a tricky situation is to bring up a sticky one. When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most when your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard? When the barbecues lit, but there's nothing to grill, when the in-laws decide that actually they will stay for dinner.

Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer. So download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus, enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over-deliver. Well, it's another day of the Tokyo Olympics, more medals for Australia yesterday. Gabby and Charles, let's see if Zan,

is still alive. Hello, yes, but it's been a long and critical 24 hours here in Tokyo. Oh, shit, Charles. You won the bet. Yeah, yeah, he's still alive. So what's going on? Why is it so bad? I'm not sure if you're aware of the incident yesterday after the 100 metres backstroke,

but shortly after the Australian athletes left the pool, an F-bomb was dropped. We're still assessing the situation here. It is quite serious, and we know that the... advertising casualties could be in the tents. Oh my goodness. That is, that's disastrous. How has it come to this, Sander? Well, I mean, in such a shocking event, you know,

it's being held amongst a pandemic, 1,000 people are getting sick every single day. But to think that something like this could happen is just unprecedented. Yeah. I mean, surely there are systems set up and guards and security to stop F-bom's being planted. I mean, are heads going to roll? within the organising committee? Well, from what we understand, an Australian athlete, Kaylee McCune, has taken responsibility for the event

and has claimed responsibility. So the IOC and Australian broadcasters are working hard to ensure that copycat attacks do not happen after any other goals that may take place. What worries me, Zander, is everyone's wearing a mask while they do their media interviews. How can they possibly source the offending audio? No, that is the big problem.

It could literally happen at any. moment. As soon as that might go as live, an attacker could drop an F-bomb and it's quite serious here and there's been a noticeable shift in tone amongst the participants at the event. Zanda, how are you feeling? Are you scared? Because honestly, our insurance doesn't cover you if you suddenly go missing from, you know, other bombs, C-bombs, S-bombs, you know? No, it's definitely tense for me. I didn't expect, you know, the Olympics are a period of joy and harmony for everyone and for someone to do an attack of such nature here really has shocked me to the call. I mean, I should just jump in, Gabby, you're not entirely correct. There is an

insurance on Zander, but it's life insurance. Charles and I benefit. Oh, wait, do I benefit? There's no health insurance for Zander, but yeah, we actually do quite well. Wait, wait, wait, but would that money go to the company and then be re-delegated to me and the other people? Yeah, the company benefits. Yeah, it would help pay your wages. Oh, okay. Well, then Zenda, you know, wow, I hope you don't. This is my life. right here. I'm giving you important coverage of one of the biggest events to happen during this pandemic and you're mindlessly brushing it aside. Are there certain words you might use when you're feeling this way? I would use quite harsh language, but due to the tone of the moment,

no, no, due to the tone of the moment here, I'm going to exercise restraint because it's all our responsibility in order to unite as one. If you drop an F-bomb right now, Zander, I mean, the Japanese security police are going to just jump on you. I dare you. Go on. wouldn't. Go on. Go on. Say it, Zanda. Fuck you guys. Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm in Australia. It's just... Oh my God. Is he going to be like, hey? Was that Bruce McAvaney punching him in the head?

When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most? When your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard. When the barbecues lit, but there's nothing to grill. When the in-laws decide that actually they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer. So download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus, enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees exclusions and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over-deliver. This episode is brought to you by the crushed dream of maintaining a minimum acceptable

level of hygiene while in lockdown. Nothing matters anymore. You don't You need clean teeth, you idiot. Now, Charles, just before we leave each other once more, it's so hard to find a positive thing to say these days. A note of optimism, something to reassure ourselves that things really can and do get better. But I've got one for you, Charles. I've got one. Oh, thank goodness.

The good news is that there's an island in Swansea 25Ks north of Newcastle and New South Wales that is changing its name. And I think you'll be excited because it goes to show that racist things can be changed. The name of the island, I'm just going to say it once because it is obviously offensive. Well, it's called Coon Island, Charles. Oh dear, yeah. And Lake Macquarie City Council voted eight to five to rename it. Yes, five people in Lake Macquarie Council thought that it was a good name that should stay.

at this point. Are they renaming it to cheese island? Like, what are they? They're calling it. Pirita Island. I was there, like, about a year ago. I went there. Yes.

It's a very beautiful island. It's not really an island, though. You can walk onto it. It's basically just like a pier. Erased pier is the point. Yeah, but we did walk around going, this is a very odd name for an island. So I'm glad.

That's five people. Who are those people? I mean, the move to change the name was led by Liberal councillor Kevin Baker, full credit to him. And he said it was a name that was genuinely racist and genuinely hurtful to a lot of people in our community. Charles, five people did not go with that argument. Actually, it would have been more, but they were all down at the anti-lockdown protest in Sydney. So they missed the meeting. Sure, that's true.

All right. Please leave us a five-star review on Apple Podcast. because it really does make a difference. It makes us go up in the charts and look like we're more successful than we are. Thank you in advance. Our code word for today is, look, just basically for today's code word,

just use anything but the old name of the island. Would you please? I think that'd be a really good thing. Lots of news at chaser.com. com.com around the clock, if you haven't joined up already. Join our Facebook and our Instagram, which is Chaser War.

And we're on TikTok as well, which is a great way, apparently, for the Chinese government to collect your data. And also, I should just mention, you should donate to the Chaser Beer Drinking Fund. We had a very large donation on Saturday night. Oh, really?

How much? Two and a half thousand dollars. That's like a case of craft beer. That's so exciting. Exactly. So I spoke to the guy who donated $2,000 and a half thousand dollars today. And he said that actually he was drunk at the time and he wanted to contribute actually $2.50. good on you following that up Charles that's very well played

honesty is never the best policy yeah thank you to that person and um unthank you retrospectively nevertheless it's a good cause us what better cause is there than that our gear is from road microphones and we're part of the ACAST creator network catch you tomorrow see yeah