The Chaser Report - No News is Good News

Episode Date: March 29, 2022

Today is budget day! But because we are so busy unpacking it all, we are waiting til the afternoon to unpack it with Dylan Behan. For now please enjoy Aleksa looking for more dating advice, and Dom giving a masterclass on how not to host a four-year-old's birthday party. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Wednesday the 30th of March 2022. We have Gabby Bolt, Ix, Zoolovich, Charles Firth and Dom Knight. And I've got a big announcement at the start of this. We're not talking about the budget in today's episode. We've got some special episodes dealing with that. Dylan Baines recapped it all for you.

It's all going to be exciting and informative. For those who like budget content, i.e. about 5% of you. So if everyone else we've just decided, no, we're not doing the budget at all today. Instead, we have, um, Alex has got a deep dive for us. It's about dating during COVID once again. Is it a shallow dive? It's a very shallow dive. Actually, shallow is a very appropriate word for it. How many times do we have to talk about this before someone from the internet contacts you and is like, you know, I'm interested? Why would you want to date a fan though? That would be weird. I'd love to date a fan. That's great for yourself. Someone who just, who just loves you

without you having to do anything. It's, that's ideal. That's why I'm doing these segments. But then they'd get to know you and be disappointed. Oh, I mean, inevitably, in any case, in any case. Oh, yeah, yeah. Fan or not fans. Call your engines, everyone who wants a piece of Alex.

We've also got some exclusive research from me on four-year-old birthday parties that I connected over the weekend, and let me say I'm still quite scarred. Two topics that go hand-in-hand, one would say. Yeah, that's, um, hmm, let's just make sure those are. Properly separated, shall we? But first, here's back in the newsroom. The federal budget was handed down last night with the Morrison government combating the rising cost of housing, food and petrol

by rolling out $5 gift cards to Harvey Norman to households nationwide. The PM said this program is in the public's best interest and will be worth it for the long-term growth of Jerry Harvey's bank account. The Oscars have celebrated. a successful show as the night will be remembered as a massive hit. However, the Academy has noted that the show didn't go off without a hitch, as hitch star Will Smith mistakenly didn't win best drama for the moment when he slapped Chris Rock. Labor leader Anthony Albanese has been thrown out of Parliament after he slapped Scott Morrison in a desperate bid for voters

to notice him. Albanyzi, best known for stuff, told reporters, that he hopes that after the incident, everyone will stop calling him what's his name or Bill Shorten. I'm Rebecca Dana Muno from the Chaser News Desk and I can't wait to use all the money I'm saving thanks to the petrol tax cut on almost half a happy meal. Yeah, yeah, I'm reluctantly on the dating market again. Terrifying, terrifying sad times for everyone involved.

Yeah, I think dating during lockdown was, so beautiful you know there was only one kind of date you could go on you just chill in the sun in a park um now all the options are back but but COVID's still around so it's just it's quite scary every time you go out you risk being stuck at home for a week do you require a rat test from any prospective dating partner no no no no one's asked for one yet but surely you you would require one of them surely no no no I like that's about who ate like four year old yogurt out of our bar fridge. I feel like Alexer of all people.

Yeah, I don't think Alexa of all people is the one to be like, take a rat test. But it's kind of freaky now because I've taken lots of rat tests because over this weekend I got these flu-like symptoms which is why I'm not in the office today. But here's the tricky part.

I now have to make excuses for why I can't go on dates. There are hundreds of matches on this app waiting for me to date them and I can't do it because I I'm sick. But the issue is, I'm like, what do I, what do I say I have? I'm clearly what you have is a humble brag going on.

He's the segment seems to be about how desirable you are. So why can't you just say, I've got flu-like symptoms, I clearly have COVID? Because I think, like, a flu makes me seem like sickly and weak and snotty, you know, I'm looking for a partner with a strong constitution. Oh, yeah. You want a sexy condition. Well, surely. It's a serial disease, surely.

Like, is that not, it's like the sexiest disease there is? What about, what about like, oh, I strained my hamstring from overuse or something? Yeah, that's good. I had a sex injury. Is that really the message to me? You can't go out because you strained a muscle. Oh, my biceps are just too large to fit through the door or something. I don't know.

So you can say you have mono. I've done a bit of the arithmetic because I've done multiple rats and I just did a PCR this morning. But I'm fairly convinced I don't have COVID. but I have been telling people I have COVID. Oh. Because I just think it's so much sexier than a flu, right? Yes. Yes.

COVID's normal, you know? It's not even really a disease. It's kind of like I sprained my hamstring. Like I was unlucky and now I can't go out. Then what happens if next week, as it will probably happen, you've got to cancel that because you actually have COVID. Oh, it's like the boy who cried COVID. Yeah.

No, I don't want to. No, then you got long code. So you're even interesting. That works. I'm suffering alone with my long COVID. Would you please come and make a cup of time? You've got a heart condition. Oh, yeah.

My carditis. I love too much. Very, yes, exactly. I suppose getting COVID does prove that you have friends. That's true. You've been in close proximity. You've gone and done stuff. Yeah, I'm a social.

I haven't got it yet. People want to. And also, if you have COVID, then people are not allowed to break your heart. Because you could die from the weak heart. because yeah i think it's i think it's the it's the perfect excuse because otherwise i don't know it's just um if i say that i've i've got flu-like symptoms the first thing is going to come to mind is just a snotty boy well that's true if you if you want someone to stick their tongue down your throat you don't want oh i've got to hello if you want someone to stick your their tongue

down you don't want them to be thinking about how red and swollen it must be exactly and this is like you could be you can be my swab test Never use that, I'm begging you. Don't tell anyone you can be a rat test for them. It's not going to work. Can you just do what Donald Trump used to do and go, it's executive time? Fuck, I'm really sick.

I think we just watch Dom get COVID in real time. Welcome. Okay, I'm leaving the studio. I'm going to go to Melbourne in a week. I took a negative rat this morning because I, you know, I woke up sniffly and then I was only sniffly for 10 minutes. And I was like, fuck, I've wasted a rat. Oh, true.

How's it going? And what response are you getting from the potential partners on the apps? Well, that's the tricky thing. Like, I tend to want to message not very much and meet up instantly. Oh. That's weird in COVID times, can I just say? Yeah. Like, no filter.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, it's just hard because, like, you've had so many experiences where the filter's working. You know, you think you're really into someone and then you meet in person. you're like, oh, it's not as good without the three-second message delay. Yeah. I think you need to date a robot. Yeah, I'm up for that. How do they feel about COVID?

I don't know, but there'd definitely be a three-second delay before any response. Processing time. Sign me up, Gabby. I'm ready. I will. I'll build a robot for you. So basically, Alex is available, is the point of this conversation. Yeah, yeah.

That's all it is. I had nothing really to say apart from please. date me chase a report listeners do you want do you want to plug your

Tinder profile URL yeah yeah everyone gets to plug their shows it's so unfair yeah yeah

my name's Alex I'm 29 years old uh wait wait wait before you keep going Lockland you got to add some like

bachelor style music behind this you know like on the radio like like do little bit okay cool keep going

okay my name's Alexa I'm 29 years old I'm a non-smoker on my dating profile it says i recently learned how to apply sunscreen to my own back so i don't need tinder anymore um if that sounds good to you contact me on zero four

thank you that's so funny it's beautiful i mean you have to change the sunscreen thing soon only because it's nearly winter oh no i've had it i've had it for like five years That's upsetting This sunscreen bag It doesn't work? The sun always comes back up That's the thing about the sun Do people message you like

I don't care that you've learnt To put it on yourself No I think I'm more intrigued How do you get it on? Oh it's really good I mean I can't explain it over a podcast I call it the windscreen wiper method

You put it on the reverse side of your index finger And tuck it behind your back And do like a sideways like no no No You know like a tuck It's hard to believe you're single, Alexa. No, look, I've got specific standards. What I'm looking for is a girl that's serious about sun safety.

And actually, that's really all I'm looking for. The Chaser Report, less news more often. Well, our second story in this unusually news-free edition of The Chaser Report is about my daughter's birthday party on the weekend. And I've got to say, I learnt a lot from this experience. And all the things that I learnt throughout the course of the event, other parents of older children at the event said, yeah, how did you not know that? But I'm going to say, just in case anyone doesn't know this stuff,

the first thing is when you have a pool party planned, and the Bureau of Meteorology says there's a 95% chance of rain, you should probably cancel it. Oh. Right. Because, I mean, we just thought, oh, we'll move it indoors. It'll be fine. And no, no.

Yeah, a four-year-old's birthday party indoors is a thing. A nightmare. It was. No wonder, no wonder you have COVID. It was a very, very bad idea. But you've got a basement, Dom. You've got a basement, yeah. Oh, we should.

What a happy place. What you do is you'd send them all down to the basement. To play all the boxes. And then locks the door. Oh, comic pizza style. It's not weird, four-year-old birthday. I've been in your basement. That's terrifying.

Yeah, yeah. That's not a good place for a kid to be. It's a very big basement, basically. But kids love it because it's like, we're in the basement. And then they turn against each other. It's very lord of the flies. Yeah, but I don't trust my daughter would survive. And she's my daughter.

But also, why would you cancel a pool party just because it's raining? Like, what are you worried about that they're going to get wet? They're going to get colds and have to be at home next week again with cold symptoms. So the most reassuring thing I learned from this party, I've been worried about my daughter's fashion preferences for a while, right? It's, it's true. My daughter's basic vibe that the way she wants to dress is Elsa from Frozen after an accident in a glitter factory. Yeah, nice.

She basically just the most ridiculously chill, sparkly, whatever. We gave her light up shoes for her birthday. Fuck yeah. It's just, it's hideous, right? I love light up shoes. No, I've been wanting them to make those for adults for ages. But the great news was, and I hadn't met most of her friends because we haven't been able to. too because, you know, child care centre has kind of been in lockdown.

Every four-year-old girl now dresses like a ballerina or an LSD, it's fantastic. So she's just normal in that she dresses completely ridiculously. And that was really reassuring for me. I don't know. Was that like that when you were four, Gabby? Oh, well, I was poor when I was four, so I just saw for the same thing over and over again. But this is the great thing. You get these ridiculous plastic things for like five bucks from Kmart now.

That wasn't round like even 10, 15 years ago, right? I mean, the princess dresses and stuff were. around. I just didn't wear them. They were itchy. I had X-Mas as a child. Like, I couldn't actually wear a lot of outfits. So the next thing I learned is that when you're preparing the menu for your four-year-old's

birthday party, sugar's not a good thing to give kids on a rainy day when they're all indoors. No. What? No, no, no, no, no. Don, the whole point about a party is you load them up on sugar and they love it. And then you say goodbye. It is amazing to them. And they, and all their parents have to deal with this.

It's amazing to me that both of you are parents. So clearly I should have done the sugar in the last 10 minutes or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas if you do it at the start of the party, if it's immediately fall on all the sugary snacks, then you've basically got two hours of absolute misery. Well, with any luck, they fall into a sort of sugar coma. My daughter did that after they all left.

I actually used to be trained in this. Did you? Yeah, my first job was a party host. Yeah, literally. It was a party host at a bowling alley. Oh my gosh. How did I not get your tips? I know. I hosted parties of 20 or more kids

and usually between the ages of four and eight. So the Bali was big enough though. And what did you do to the little shits? Oh, well, I'd just kind of let them cry it out. I was also only 16 at the time. So like if a kid was having a full tantrum, I was just like, don't know what to tell your kid, like, suck it. I mean, that must be tricky if they're not your own kids

because then you're not allowed to hit them, right? So my son had, one of the bowling alley a couple of years ago. So they would have been a bit older, maybe nine or ten or something. Yeah. And one of his friends was being a total shit, right? Like really misbehaving. And then the woman, like there was a woman who was, yeah, the Gabby of the thing.

Great time. She said, hey, do you want to get in this box? And they had a box. And there was a lid and you could just get in the box. And it was like sensory to sit. And it worked. This guy went, yeah, I'd love to get into that box. and then he just got into the box and like spent like 20 minutes in the box and it was like

it wasn't a punishment it was just like he just did his own time out but he also got to be in the box well this is funny because the the best thing that I learned that the reason I'm talking about this today is the thing that I discovered while preparing for the party so we went to Kmart because we were like well we've got to buy stuff for them to do right cheap shit from time we've got to go to we've got to go to Kmart and we found the most affordable house in Sydney right It's this cardboard cubby house. Classic. It costs $32.

And it's really big. It's like it's bigger than a pool table in size. Like it's enough for all the five, four year old to all go inside. Right? And it was absolutely brilliant. They all did it for about the first half hour, which in four year old time is about a year. Yes. Of doing a thing.

The one mistake that we made that I argued with my wife about this in Kmart while we were purchasing. Can I guess it? Guess what it was. You lit the cake and then put it right next to the cardboard. thing and burnt down the house. No. No, but it was almost as foolish as that.

Gabby, any thoughts of what you don't do with those cardboard house? Allow paint near it. Yes. See, if you'd be there, the deciding vote. We bought all this paint, right? And I found these little tiny little pots of paint that's like... Oh, not box. My wife was like, no, we're going to get these leaders because they're cheaper.

Giant bottles of acrylic paint. Yeah. We didn't think through the extent to which four-year-olds would get paint on themselves on the on the on the on the like that would have been the best on this time of their life there is paint over every surface of our house and I they really enjoyed it but I was like okay I'm going to be sensible I'm going to get on this straight away so what I did was like I got the mop out and I started just cleaning up the paint off the floor off everything and I managed in the in the course of cleaning it up to tip over a tin of paint

that one of them had stashed somewhere where I couldn't see it and I tipped it onto all of my clothes Right? And managed to get more... Is that why you're dressed as ill? Yeah, that's right. I got more paint on myself than any of the kids had on them. And then when I was walking quickly upstairs to try and wash it all off and put all my clothes in the wash,

I managed to trip over and spread like a footprint size amount of paint on the carpet. And then I put all these stuff, I put all the clothes, like all the dirty cock. We did give the girls like smocks and stuff to wait, like my daughter's least favorite. dresses the nice ones um put them all in the wash and then i made another mistake i put it on warm i put it on warm so all the garments dry quickly now have they now have permanent paint stains and i said to my wife oh it said it was washable but i guess it's not whereas yeah the my like that was what i i used to play with like i used to draw on cardboard and like make cardboard rocket

chips and cardboard shit all the time and the thing that my mom got right was instead of paint because I was a messy child. It was just those shitty textures. Yes, that's what we needed. Shitty textures and kids would be happy either way. Yeah, crayons. Like, they would have barely been able to make a mark

on this stupid cubby house thing with a crown, but it wouldn't have gone everywhere. So then, so then I had to take a shower and change or whatever. And in the meantime, the dog decided that his favourite new treat is acrylic paint. No, no. Is your dog alive? At this stage, but the dog did repeatedly vomit all over the cup. carpet. So between the paint and the vomit. So basically, so basically, if you're Dom's landlord.

It was always there. It was there when they moved in. To be honest, it's any, any marks on the carpet or an improvement at this point with our house. So the plan for the fifth birthday, it's going to be in a playground. It's going to be 20 minutes long. They will eat salad. Yeah. And if it rains, at least it'll wash the fucking paint off. Yeah, good. Aguids from rode microphones. We're part of the ACAST. Creative Network. Look for an afternoon. in addition in your feed very soon today.