The Chaser Report - No Podcast For Old Men

Episode Date: September 20, 2021

With their bosses absent Gabbi and Lachlan host the podcast for the morning, and coincidentally Dom returns to share news of someone else running amok with their boss away: Barnaby Joyce. Meanwhile John has found an amazing new cooking show hosted by none other than Paris Hilton. Plus, it’s Charles Firth’s actual birthday! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today's episode, The Chaser Report, is brought to you by the birth of a prophet, Charles Henry Danger Bergman Firth, who came to the world to spread the good word of political satire. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Tuesday, the 21st night of September. I've been waiting a whole year to make that joke. and I'm Gabby Bolt joined by Lachlan Hodson. Hi, Lachlan. What's going on? Why? It turns running the show today. I know. The parents have left the house and the kids are ready to throw a party. Where are our beloved bosses, Gabby?

Yeah, before too long, we'll make a McCauley-Colkin-style trap when they come back. I don't know how we're going to do that virtually, but we'll figure it out. Home alone indeed, yeah. But why have I been roped into this mess? One moment, I'm enjoying sleeping in at 4 a.m. And the next I'm getting all sorts of calls saying, oh, Lachlan, Dom and Charles aren't here. I need help on the host. What's going on? Where are they? Yeah. No, Alexa really does freak out in moments of panic. But I will say, it is a bit scary. I feel like when mother bird leaves the nest and we're left to fend for ourselves, like baby seals going into the ocean trying not to get eaten by a shark.

But no, Charles has taken the week off, which we did say on the podcast yesterday, is taken the week off because he has the very, very taxing task of aging. It's actually Charles's birthday today. Oh, happy birthday, Charles. This would be the, what, 60th? Yeah, yeah, it is. And in true Leo energy, even though it is definitely not Leo's season, he's taken the whole week. So good on him. Huge respect to Charles, but not just taking one day off, but also taking all of my sick days as well.

Happy birthday, mate. But what about Dom Lockie? Yeah, so Dom's actually, he's had to go into a surgery, apparently. Oh, my God. Is he okay? No, no, no, he's suffered a really bad back injury after carrying the weight of the chaser for the last 20 years. Oh. Look, we look forward to their return, but for now you're stuck.

with us. And hey, speaking of crusty white dudes quitting their jobs, big story broke on Sunday, Christian Porter's resigned. How big is that, Gabby? He's gone. We don't have to ever see him again. He's out of parliament. He's never coming back. All of these trials and tribulation and defamation and allegation. All of it's over. It's all fixed. I don't know about that, Lachlan. What do you mean? No, he's gone. Well, first of all, he's not gone. He's not gone. He's gone from the front bench to the back bench, which is kind of like going from the front seat in an oncoming crash of a car to the back seat of the same car going into an oncoming crash. But, yeah, no, he's still getting paid. He's still sitting in Parliament.

Wait, so he can come back? Yeah, well, he'd never left. He is on the back bench. So you're saying that if I resign from this job, I can also come back? Is my job fine? No. No. Is that not how resignation works?

I'm very confused by this new concept. Oh, not in government, Loughlin. That's never how resignation works. Particularly Scotty implying that Christian Porter is stepping down because of the blind trust situation, the slush fund, and not because of the sexual assault allegations, which, you know, just speaks volumes of Scotty's government at the moment, doesn't it? And Scott, if we're going to start throwing around recommendations of resignation over slush funds,

I think you should pop by an IKEA and buy a few black pots and kettles. for the office, don't you? They'll love it. Just buy some black pots and kennels because there's a lot more people, I feel, could have that same recommendation, don't you? If we're going to, come on, slush money.

Anyway. Look, at the end of the day, I'm just glad that Christian won that defamation case. Oh, good for him. Coming up on the show today, John Delminico pops in to talk us through a new and interesting cooking show, which I didn't think could exist

after Master Chef's season 1 billion, but I mean, apparently it's quite a wild ride, so there you go. And Charles and Dom are going to be involved in that one because, of course, they'd never leave us alone with the podcast for real. Yeah, not with our damages. Before we get into that, we have Rebecca Day and Amuno delivering all the chaser headlines right after this. Tech firms around the country have expressed outrage today after gas power enthusiast Angus Taylor was made Minister for Science. Former Science Minister Christian Porter has condemned the move,

stating that Angus Taylor is the least qualified person to take on the role since Christian Porter. Acting Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has punished Christian Porter for ministerial misconduct, stating that the Liberal Party will be following the standard procedure of demoting him from Cabinet for three months, then promoting him to Deputy P.M. And the Australian government has apologised to France for the cancelled submarine project, with Scott Morrison offering to make amends to the people of France by offering them a new $90 billion car part. That's all the news headlines for today.

I'm Rebecca Deunamuno. Today's episode, The Chase Report, is brought to you by the birthday of one of the highest spiritual deities of the last century. Charles Henry Bergman Firth today turns 256. So go to his Twitter at Charles Firth. I wish him a very happy 200. Now, John's here to fill us in on the latest in television, and Gabby, Charles is back here, either because we recorded this last week or because he's so passionate about Paris Hilton

that he couldn't stay away. Charles, welcome back. I dropped him because I hear that Paris Hilton has a new cooking show. That's right, Charles. Netflix has on a spin-off of Paris Hilton's YouTube show where she's learning how to cook. Netflix did clarify that it's a food show, not a cooking show, which apparently means that it's still cooking, but. you're not supposed to take advice from it. Oh, so you're not supposed to try the recipes at home. That's a really good caveat.

So the premise of the show is that Paris Hilton says that she wants to get married and have kids soon, and she wants to learn how to cook before that. So she brings on guests to help her learn how to cook. So the first episode is called Breakfast, because each episode is the theme of different foods. So what kind of person do you think they'll bring in to teach Paris Hilton how to cook food? Is it like celebrity chefs? It's Kim Kardashian is the first guest.

Of course it is. Oh, yes. The connoisseur of eating. The recipes are also made by Paris. From the sounds like she goes on the internet, finds a bunch of recipes for something she wants to make, and then merges them together without testing them. Amazing.

I'm obsessed with this. And then that's the recipes on the show. That's why it's a food show and not a quickie show. Got it. So with it being a Paris Hilton breakfast, what do you think the most important ingredient in breakfast is? Biber? It won't it be yogurt?

Is it sugar? Well, here, I'll play the clip now. I almost forgot the most important part. Glitter. You know what? Paris Hilton is the best comedian of our time. She knows exactly what she's doing. That's great.

Yeah, of course she does. And she's incredibly smart for capitalizing on it. Well, that's one thing I noticed at the show is that it seems like Paris Hilton being in on the joke. But then she sort of gives up throughout the show. Like, she starts by making sure that whenever she cooks, she's in like a fine ball gown. But then by like episode three, she's just wearing like track suit pants. I love this. Like, there are parts where Kim Kardashian kind of comes off looking not.

Like, because compared to Paracilson, Kim Kardashian is more down to earth. Well, she's had to feed children and Kanye, who's even more of a child than a child. Like, they did have a bit of trouble when it came to cooking and Kim Kardashian noticed something. Just tongs. What's a tong? It's a thing that picks up things. Silver metal? No.

I have to. You have to. Where is a tongy? hmm um oh there's one okay this yeah tong i didn't know it was called that I just called it like the picking up and thing what so that's they're trying to cook bacon but luckily kim Kardashian was there otherwise

there'll be no way for her to pick up the bacon from the stove and that that music the soundtrack makes me think I can't work out whether we're supposed to be laughing at or with them at this point because I'm I've got to tell you John I'm veering towards well yeah so it's very clear throughout the entire show that the producers know what they're doing can i just ask do you reckon paris hilton genuinely didn't know what a tongue was or was just trying to do a beat like it was sort of a line beat there's another one that i don't have the clip for because it's mainly a visual gag but um there is a long section of both of them trying to find a blender

and then they're both just standing there looking at this blender and asking themselves is that a blender it seems like a blender and then you hear a voice going it's a blender and then they go to grab it and they grab the mixer that's next to it. I mean... Okay. This sounds like it's going to be good. I totally want to watch it already. Don wants to find out what a tong is.

Then the second episode is called Tarko Night. When they're making a homemade salsa, Paris Hilton fucks up putting in a pinch of salt. What do you reckon she does wrong, adding in one pinch of salt into the salsa? The entire thing. Sugar. No, I reckon she just gets a single grain.

She put the lid of the salt in the blender as well. Oh. She turned on the blender and broke an industrial blender. I'm calling bullshit. She knows exactly what she. She's doing. This is great because this simulates me what it would be like if my three-year-old tried to cook. Yeah.

It sounds like a great show. But it's really making me feel sad that Paris Hilton and Milsie didn't make a go of their one night together. Imagine what a family they could have had. They could have been a contender. This does give us insight to how Paris Hilton's kids are going to live. Because Paris Hilton goes on this long talk about how much she loves McDonald's French fries. And so her goal for the vegan episode is to make vegan McDonald's chips. Having Nikki Glazer on, part of the issue with this.

with having a comedian on when she made it too funny but she could also understand how to talk insanely like parody level rich there's a part where when they're deep frying the chips Paris Hilton needs to be

slowly walked through how to turn on the exhaust fan in her house by the producers because the producers are like the fire alarm is about to go off and then Paris Hilton's like

oh well the chips are done and Nikki Glazer looks at them and they're still yellow so they're still like raw so she tries to explain to her what God and Brown is and gets to a point

where she's like oh it's sort of like a really good fake tan look like. So it also means that you don't get the great moments of her trying to figure things out because you have a comedian there who can explain it. Yeah, that's in the role of the audience. We want to be the person who is amused by. Oh, there you go. There is a part where Nikki Glazer starts to like break a little bit, which is when she realized that throughout the entire show up until this point, they had been using prop utensils and not actual cooking utensils.

What? I love that your cookware, like it's not actually to be used. Oh no. Do I burn the diamonds off? Yeah, definitely. They're so sad. There's a rhinestone in it. At least they're vegan. So throughout the entire set of the show, there is like rhinestone-covered cooking utensils

that are clearly not for use of actual cooking. Oh, that are meant to be for decor. But for the first two episodes, she'd been cooking with them. It's actually cooking with plastic, is what it is. Not Paris. That's a love that none of the Netflix producers told her not to cook with... No, no, this is what I mean.

They just let it happen. This is why it's not a cooking show and it's a food show. I get it now. To me, this opens up so many possibilities for future Paris Hilton shows where she learns to do things. Like, I want to see her, you know, pilot an aeroplane. I want to see her run the situation room at the White House. I just think she's an entertainment machine, right? Yeah, there's also another part where she has to explain to her what a whiskey is.

She just goes like, oh, it's sort of like a circular, like a wide spring. And I realize a whisk is actually quite hard to explain if you can. can't just be like point to a whisk and like that's a whisk because Nicky Glaser found the set of utensils that are clearly supposed to be cooking with the entire time but each episode ends with dinner but for this episode they had a girls night and for the girls night they invited two vine stars who

I think one of them doesn't even speak throughout the entire thing and then the other one has like one set up line they also invited comedian Whitney Cummings which I think is why you don't hear from the other ones because then you have two comedians eating dinner with Paris Hilton. I thought the dinner gave us a real insight to Paris's life. How many phones?

What's happening? What is going on? Do we each get one? Yeah, they're party. For the dinners. Um, I used to have five phones and I've consolidated to three. One is for people I like. One is for business and one is for prank calling people.

My mom and I and my sister love to do that. How many phones have you lost, do you think? Oh my God. Hundreds. So that's why I couldn't make it through the rest of the episodes. Is that things like that weren't getting called out and I missed it? and I missed it. She has three

brand new iPhones throughout the entire series but the other people are just like oh that's just a normal thing that happens people having a prank call iPhone Well to be fair

there are some prank call iPhone To be fair The Chaser owns a prank call iPhone We're the Paris Hilton of the Southern Hemisphere Has anyone got Paris Hilton's prank phone number?

Just ring Craig Kelly and CFE has it The Chaser Report More news less often. Hey, sorry, Bapping late. I'm just here for my telehealth appointment. No, no, no worries, James.

I'm Dr. Francis. First things first, did you receive the package in the mail? Yeah, I did, but I was just to be confused. It looks like you've sent me a bunch of surgical supplies. I don't really know what to do with them. No, no, don't worry. You're in good hands. I'll be here for the entire surgery.

Surgery? Dude, I'm in my bedroom. Good point. You might want to move to the bathroom for this. Appendectomy can get a little bit messy, you know what I mean? surely you're joking right i i've never done this before well you you've stored the medical supplies in the refrigerator though right i didn't know i had to hmm that's a bit of an issue time is not on our side but luckily we're starting right now do i know i don't know how to do i'm not done have you got

your telehealth surgery box in front of you yeah i do okay well if you open the box you'll find the anesthetic in the top compartment this is just a bottle of vodka that's fine if you if you if you don't like it you you can just mix it with orange juice if it helps no i i don't think i'm comfortable with this at all that's fine um if you check the chat i've just sent through a jpeg of our operating ward now you just set that as your zoom background it'll make you feel much safer are you sure come on who's the trained medical professional here huh all right that's the way now you just need to grab it the scalpel all right i've got it too easy okay i'll tell you where to make the incision can you just uh tilt your camera down a bit for me

now just a few centimeters to the left of your belly button that's where you want it here no no no no my left the camera's mirror you get other one other left okay all right So here. Perfect. Perfect. Now, just press down. Press down with a scalpel. Just really...

Ah! Oh, fuck. I'm losing him. Oh no, wait. Wait, no, that's just the NBN cutting out. Why? Why is it swelling? Where does the blood come?

Can you see the Dewaddenham? Can you see it? Ah. Ah, shit. I've lost him for real this time. Fuck. On this very special day, the Chase report is brought to you by the church of Charles Henry Danger Bergman

1. And if you've not tithed your appropriate amount for such a holy day of celebration, please head over to thechaser.com.com.com.com slash support. And you can pay what you think our holy founder, Charles Henry, Bergman, Firth is worth to you. Gabby and Loughlin, I'm actually here today. This is me. This is Dom. Uh-oh.

No. It was all Gabby's idea. It was all Gabby's idea. She dragged me into this. It was a trap. It's Lachland's fault. If you keep accusing me, I will resolve. Look, to be honest, I was glad to take the intro off. I enjoyed your intro.

But you're out of date. The story's changed because Barnaby Joyce is now the acting Prime Minister of Australia. Oh, good. Yeah, yeah, Scott Morrison's gone off to have big diplomatic meetings overseas. So we've now got the loose cannon that is Barnaby Joyce in charge of the country for the next little while. It can only go well. I mean, you'll be intrigued to hear what he had to say about the Christian Porter situation, a man known for his great sensitivity

in terms of issues such as, you know, claims of assault, which he himself has been the recipient of. Do you want to take guess at what he said about Christian Porter? He said it was, it's wrong to hire people who've been accused of sexual assault and we should do better as a gender and in the workplace. We should all strive for better. That's what he said, isn't it?

No? I think he just said debaters will be debaters. Yes. That's true. But I'll give you a hint. He used a sporting analogy to minimize what Christian Porter did. How about a bad day at the wicket? I think I just lost 10 years of my life.

This common trope of like treating female issues with like a sports analogy or like a family analogy like, oh my daughters, you know, like I am so sick of it. I'm so sick of it because if I were an inanimate object, I'd be having a lot more fun of time. Wait, are you saying you're not an inanimate object? Yeah, I don't like having thought. I'm sick of it. We've got to take this to the press. Hang on, you don't have agency as well, do you, Gabby? No, no, not me, I'm just a chair.

See, the thing, the characters in Beauty and the Beast had it right. Well, speaking of chairs, Barnaby Joyce also floated the possibility that Christian Porter could be back in the front bench chair pretty soon. He said he's an intelligent guy. If he uses his time on the backbench productively, he could make a comeback to cabin. it because he's an incredibly intelligent person and he should get another chance at a senior role. And to be fair to Barnaby Joyce, he is a guy whose career seemed completely down the toilet and yet he's Deputy Prime Minister again.

Are we sure Barnaby didn't just say that Christian's going to be back for a second innings? He may well have, actually. But the thing about cricket is that careers end in cricket, actually comes a point where either you get dropped for being too old, which never happens to white guys in Australia, or you just aren't good enough and they get rid of you and find someone better. Now, wouldn't that be a novel idea in Canberra? Wouldn't it be nice?

That would be lovely. I would enjoy getting rid of people when they can't do their job anymore. That would be good. You can say that, but I think if things just keep getting difficult for Barnaby and Christian, all they've got to do is take a trusty piece of sandpaper and scrub their records. Well said. And in fact, Lachlan, thinking about people who are a bit past it, should probably get the sack. Do you want Charles's job?

How much does he get paid? More than you do now. You know what? You had me at job. All right. Charles is away all this week. It's going to be incredibly fun. It'd be a great help if you left to say review on Apple Podcast.

That's the best place to do it. What should they write? Code word for today is happy 69th birthday, Charles. Happy 69th, 30, very, very nice. It also helps very much if you subscribe or follow our podcast, whatever the language is in your app that helps us keep making it. Agies from Road Microphones, we're part of the Acast, Creator Network. Catch you tomorrow.

Tootles. See ya. Unless you guys get rid of me again. in.