The Chaser Report - Not Zero Emissions

Episode Date: October 18, 2021

Everyone is back in the office without masks excited to share their germs with each other, and Charles has big plans for some high-quality climate humour. Meanwhile Aleksa has a brand new hilarious segment about the Indonesian genocide, and Lachlan has yet another sponsor. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Encyclopedia's A through E, an amazing, beautiful, constructive demonstrational education. Hey? That's pretty good. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report on Tuesday, the 19th of October 2021. I'm Dom Knight. Hello, Gabby Bolt.

Hello, Charles Firth. Hello, hello. We're all in the same room for the first time in about... Three months. Three months, is it? No. Yes. And it's a big thank to Premier Peritae for his haste and full hardiness in letting us all come back to the office so early and infect each other.

Actually, I've been meaning to say. Great. Great. Yeah, good one. I've picked up a bit of a coffin last few days. I think there's something going around at the moment. We don't have to wear masks indoors anymore. We're all going to get COVID.

We may as well get it over with him. It's inevitable now. It's going to happen. On today's show, though, massive news, because it sounds as though, get this, Australia might actually have a climate policy of net zero by 2050. We're not sure at the time of recording this. The PM wants it. Barnaby doesn't seem to want it.

It's not clear what's going to happen. Something's going to happen. I have some very funny jokes about this, but I'm not going to be rushed into making them. Right. So, you know, I will get back to you. At some point in the next year, look, I was only given four hours notice about, making jokes about these.

Okay. Are you ready to commit to a 2030 target for the jokes? I'm not... Or are you going to wait until 2050? Look, I just don't want to be rushed, okay? Just don't ask me any questions. How many billions of dollars for subsidising, I don't know, fossil fuels do you want in order to make the jokes and release your position?

Oh, well, that's very easy. At least $10 billion for the first year. And then, well, my mate Angus can outline the whole details. Right. Have you hit a situation where your... negotiating stance in this conversation is a clever parody of the Australian government. Is that what's going on here? I'm not going to be rushed on that, Dom.

I'm not going to answer that. But Glasgow is coming up so soon. It's imminent. Scott Morrison wants to be able to go. The Queen herself said that he had to do something. Dom, you're just rushing me. I feel like I'm being pressured into coming to a decision. But your job for which you are paid is to come to this table with material, with jokes, with things to do.

You're not actually meant to just sit there and do nothing for decades. Stop rushing me, Dom. I think I understand why we haven't done anything in the decade since we've known about this whole climate change thing. Should we go back to the COVID jokes? Yeah, stick with what you know. That's the government's real stickler, isn't it? On today's show, Alexa has some interesting new information

about a certain big moment in the history of Indonesia. And Loughlin has been wheeling and dealing and he's got something involving a thing called milk tea. Ooh, really? That is also a metaphor for the Australian client plot. No, it's not. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Day and a minnow in the chasing newsroom straight after this message.

Gabby, is yesterday attention with Beck resolved now? She hasn't reached out to me about the cheese. But, Ernie, it's not her fault that she got the expensive cheese. It's Charles's. It's always Charles. My beef has always been with Charles, not with Beck. Expensive beef, too. I just want Beck to tell me how I get the expensive cheese.

Like you, beef. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca.

Scott Morrison has begun preparations to embarrass Australia at the Climate Summit in Glasgow next month. Mr. Morrison told reporters he is excited to show the world Australia's climate policy just as soon as Barnaby Joyce makes one up for him. Meanwhile, voters who have been waiting eight years for the government to come up with a climate policy are beginning to suspect that Barnaby Joyce might not be being completely up front about his reason for delaying the plan. The Deputy Prime Minister said he didn't want to rush the issue

and will get to it as soon as the party room had come to a position on whether they should adopt the metric system. Premier of New South Wales, Dominique Pereté, has reaffirmed his commitment to having the most diverse cabinet of rich straight white men possible. Announcing changes to his front bench, he said his cabinet would have a diverse range of real-world experience from across Sydney's private clubs, yacht races and old boys' networks. That's the latest Chaser News you can't trust.

I'm Rebecca de Unamuno. Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Encyclopedias F through K, for goodness hides in. position or knowledge. That made sense, didn't it? Well, it's a bit of a wanky sentence, but it's a sentence. So now it's time for a new segment called Historical Revisionism with our very own

Alexa Vulevich. How are you going? Hey, doing good. This is going to be such an exciting segment. It's going to be fun. We're going to have laughs. This one is about the Indonesian genocide 56 years ago.

It started this week. Are you guys excited? It's perfect. It's greased for the mill in comedy podcast land. I heard Hamish and Andy were doing a segment about the Indonesian genocide. Yeah, it's the remembering project about genocides, that's right. Yeah, topical heartwarming. I think I'm canceling the podcast that I'm in. Does that make sense? Anyway, yeah, I mean, look, I don't want Hamish and Andy to realize we're completely

lifting their content, but maybe edit that bit out. But there was, essentially, there was a recent trove of secret documents released on the weekend about this genocide in Indonesia. But I want to run through the context first before we get into the documents. So it's generally not talked about. I looked up on the World History Project website for the year of 1965. It includes the fact that Kellogg's Applejack serial

first appears, but it fails to mention that over a million people were killed in Indonesia by the military. It's just a really good serial. Here we go. The leader of Indonesia at the time, Sukarno, he was really rubbing us the wrong way.

I think he had this coalition between nationalists and religious people and communists and he was trying to cover all the kind of popular groups in Indonesia but that scared the crap out of us in the West because, you know, we don't like communists. But of course, presumably, Alex, what we did in the West was respect to will the Indonesian people to determine their own future in free and fair elections

because those are our values, aren't they? Well, I mean, that's what I thought, but this was a bit of a shocking one. It was the only occasion in world history that we didn't live up to those values and terrifying events ensues. To be fair, before the horrible massacres, there were a lot of more entertaining ways that CIA tried to get rid of Sikano. I mean, they did the classic kind of election rigging and they trained rebels and did stuff, but there was one plot, which was really, really cool.

So you say what you want about Sikano, but one thing about him is that he's, like, really good at rooting. He's just... Like, having sex? Yeah, yeah, he's like a massive horn dog. He just fucked, like, constantly, yeah. He's like the ultimate polyamorous left. leftist fuck boy and it was kind of just got interesting woo I'm happy you know what good for him yeah well I mean I guess different world

powers try to use this his sexual proclivities to blackmail him so the Soviets had a go at it first they filmed an orgy with him in a group of Russian flight attendants but apparently when they confronted him and they're like oh we've got this video of you apparently he was just super delighted and he wanted extra copies for himself one of his greatest memories Yeah, he's like, oh, cool. Thank you. I can start my only fans now, guys. He was sort of like a Barnaby Joyce character, was he?

He just had no shame. Yeah, no shame, but also he was actually hot. Barnaby Joyce was, well, I don't know. I'm going to Google a photo of this man. What's his name again? Sikano, S-U-K-A-R-N-O-D-C-K-P-I-I-C. That's what you want to search. I've got a shirtless photo of him here, and he is.

down to party. But yeah, the CIA tried to do the same thing. They didn't actually have a sex tape of them and they tried to recreate it. I'd love to be

the CIA officer going, now, we don't have a sex tape, but could we just arrange an orgy anyway and pretend? For totally work reasons.

Can claim it back on tax. I'm fascinated by this and I'm Googling this and I'm discovering that when he visited Copenhagen, I hope you're an incognito mode.

They organized a brothel with 20 women. and apparently was this completely true. So there you go. Yeah. Party president. The porno was pretty insane as well because they didn't, they first just looked for porn that could pass as the Indonesian president.

And the chief of police in L.A. was kind of supplying these porn films of the CIA. And apparently they couldn't find anyone that looked like Sukarno. There was no diversity in porn in the 60s. So they decided to film on themselves and they actually made a full-faced Sukarno mask. Get out. And put it on a porn actor. But seriously, like sort of face-off type.

Except not quite as sexy. But, you know, all these are failed attempts. And then suddenly, after all these comical failed attempts, a military coup happens, which is actually quite awful. Overnight, like, all the progressive parties in Indonesia kind of disappeared. And every politically active feminist, communist, trade unionist, was just brutalized, massacred. They just, they disappeared.

It was horrible. this whole process became just like super popular with the CIA, like having a military violently overthrow and leftist government. It was kind of used all around the world from Guatemala to Chile. But all these revelations came out on the weekend that kind of complicate that story because it came from the British National Archives. And apparently the British were super involved, like almost potentially more involved in the CIA.

They were printing millions of pamphlets purporting to be written by Indonesian Patriots but were actually written by MI6. and they were like, kill all the communists, let's do it, guys, let's kill them all. Do you think it was like a last-ditch effort to become a global superpower after America sort of took over? I think that's exactly what it is. They need to flex their muscles. Like, they did crazy stuff.

Like, they started publishing all these, like, wild, I guess, fake news stories. There was one about, like, how 100 feminists had come out and captured one of the Indonesian generals and used razor blades to cut his dick off. And this was, like, written by... the British, and it was like a super successful story because, I guess, I don't know, right-wing types probably hate the idea of hundreds of crazy feminists cutting your balls up. Girl boss, yeah. So they sort of pioneered social media posts before social media even existed.

Exactly. That extraordinary. This was like early 1960s, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I like 19605. John LaCarray, I'm pretty sure, was still working there at that time in MI6, because he was the guy who wrote all the background stories during the Second World War for all their double agents

so that they could sort of keep track of, you know, all the lies and deceptions that they're telling Germany. And so it would have been that. They would have had a whole lot of disused writers and novelists sitting around. They go, okay, well, I don't know, try your hand at writing some Indonesian. Do you know what I like the idea of? Perfect career progression. Yeah, the British are also so infamous for having some of the world's best and most beloved authors.

Can you imagine if, like, Roald Dahl was just getting his chops up? Yeah. You know, like, oh, before I write children's books, you know what I'm going to waste some time on? Fake news. It's just crazy because I always thought the British were kind of just snooty, elitist, but generally useless when it came to international affairs. You know, I thought most of the heavy work was done by the CIA. But this is amazing.

They're really showing their chops. They're really successful mass murderers. It makes me so nostalgic for the world where Britain were evil in New York. interfering all around the planet as well as America. They can't even get trucks into their country with food these days, but back in the 60s, they used to be shits on a world's. They used to be contenders. I think you guys are shutting yourself off to the possibility that they could bring it back.

All they need to do to get fuel back in the country is just start spreading some orgy stories. They're fine. This is probably exactly why they released at post-Brexit when everything's fucking up. They're like, well, once upon a time. We were good. Once upon a time, we had our shit together, guys. Thanks, Alex.

So you give me a new goal in life. I now want to be so annoying to a government that they fake a story about me getting my dick cut off. That's a real yardstick, isn't it? No, I just want them to construct an orgy in my honour. That would be great. I've got some Charles Firth masks if anyone in ASEO needs one. No one, I'm telling you now, no one needs that mask for any purpose. It would be a bit of a mood killer.

I think it would be. Look, it's five chalzes. Oh, my God. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month.

Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Encyclopedias L through P, Leading most number of people Oh, shit, I ran out of letters Uh, leading most number of people Lockland joins us on his quest to become the most sponsored podcast host Hey, Lachlan

Hey, everyone, how are we? Sponsorship Project continues another week. Sponsor number three is here, baby, you guys excited? Sure. Oh, it's amazing. What's the opposite of an avalanche? A trickle. A trickle.

Yeah, I'm very glad to you. The trickle of sponsors is continuing. That's wonderful. The sponsors will love to hear that. This one's quite a special one because it's not just a sponsor. It's actually also a fan of the show. As you know, I've been putting my phone number, 0493-216-76763, out for the sponsors to get in touch.

And can I just say, I've gotten all sorts of lovely text, Charles. That was a real stroke of genius right there. Thank you so much for giving me that not at all regrettable idea. How many dick picks? Oh, no, please don't even give them that idea. So if you wish to send an unsolicited picture of your genitals, what's the number, Loughlin? No, no, no. Go on, Loughlin.

0493216-76-763. Look, aside from all of the lovely photos that I've been sent and people wanting to send me their underwear, there are a few legitimate sponsor offers that I've received. So I'm proud to announce our third official sponsor is nine char milk tea, Australia's only real milk tea on the market. That sounds very weird. What the hell is milk tea? I've got one here.

The lovely gentleman who texted Sean offered two crates of milk tea. It's in the lobby. There's a box of it in the corridor. Should we go and get it? Yeah, yeah. Oh, why not? I'll have a sample.

So Gabby's just leaving to get the box of milk tea. I didn't know what it was. There was just a box at the front door. Can I just note that when Charles says milk tea is weird, he is ignoring the great love of milk tea that is common across East Asia. And just remember that thought at the end of the episode when Charles gets, when there's a revelation about Charles's past.

So it's tea-flavoured milk, in fact, rather than being tea with milk in it, it is tea-flavored milk? So is this like a chai? No. Well, char is Chinese, chai is Indian. But yeah, same word. So yeah, Sean, the guy who sent the text, mentioned that the company, just like this podcast, actually started during COVID.

Oh. And as a special offer to everyone who's been doing it tough during lockdown. down wants to offer our fans a 25% discount on their online store. So if you go to nine char.com.com.au and use the code nine chaser, you can get 25% off. So that's a fun first for this project. Oh, I see what it did there. Nine char and nine chaser, yeah.

And that's the, that's spelled out nine, by the way, not the number. So I'm going to try the original flavoured, which is the blue one. Yes, that's the one I've got here, give my little baggy for it. Oh, okay, great. Is it any good? It says serve chilled, Charles. It's all right. Yeah, cool.

So here's the issue, guys. Obviously, I haven't been in the office to claim my milk tea prizes in person. And Sean mentioned that you can actually buy these products in the Woolies stores. And I didn't want to plug a product that I hadn't sampled myself because that would be lying and my mom would get upset. So I went to Woolies and I bought one? You don't understand how this works. The notion is not to go and buy. the things that we get for free?

No, I didn't buy one. I bought two. Dozen. Oh, Loughlin, when will you learn how to scab shit? So basically, I spend money on a free sponsor, which means that my current net gain, for me, individually with this sponsorship project, is currently at a loss of profits.

Yeah, sounds about right. Yeah, I guess the other thing is, there's no way you're getting any of this milk tea. We're just going to drink it. Yeah, we're just going to drink it now. It's very sweet. What I would say. And yet, Lachlan, it is your pay for this week.

Sean left his business card, though. Thank you, Sean. Thank you. Huge thanks to Sean for getting in touch. Thanks for listening to the show. Look, even though I'm not making any money or getting paid in any milk tea, it's all about the friends you make along the way. And the dick picks that they send you.

Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Encyclopedia's Q through V. Quails respond significantly towards... UV? Does that even count? Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online

so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. I'm here with an exclusive interview for the Chaser Report with Barnaby Joyce. So, what does it you do, Barnaby? Well, we're the National Party, and we care about regional and rural Australia.

You know, farmers and dirt and stuff. Do you want a glass of water? Oh, yeah, sure. Okay, that'll be $80 million, please. What? Yeah, you know, it's for the farmers, though. Oh, okay, it's for the farmers, here you go. Okay, thanks.

Oh, geez, go ahead. You just put that in your pocket, and this glass is empty. So, what else do you want to know? I guess I'll just forget all about that. What is your policy on the climate? Oh, you can't just spring this on me. What do you mean, spring it on you? This has been an issue since the 90s.

Your own party has had eight years to come up with something. Well, I only found out about it four hours ago. You represent the farmers, right? I'll, I think so. Name one. Oh, come on. That's unfair. I wear rivers straight cut jeans to Parliament.

I have an a cobra. And I'm always drunk. I'm pretty sure that's farmer like. Yeah, but farmers want action on climate change. I'll tell you what. I'll give you a look through my phone so you can see all my farmer friends, see, see? Yeah, Gina Reinhart, Clive Palmer, Angus Taylor, Mike Worth, Barnaby, these are all just mining fans and fossil fuel execs. Yeah, yeah, miners are the farmers of the ground.

Miners aren't farmers, Barnaby. They harvest the rocks. No, it doesn't work like that. What's a pretty thing like you worrying yourself about a serious thing like climate anyway? I mean, you want a job, maybe a kid? What? Oh, no. Never mind. I've got to go and kill a couple of celebrity dogs. See ya. Barnaby Joyce. Thanks for your time.

The Chaser Report. Less news more often. Just before we go, there's something I've got to raise. Big story in the news yesterday. A woman won a $1.5 million literary prize in Spain. But it turned out it was actually three men. So three men got up on the stage and it turned out they'd created this entire persona called Carmen Mola. and created a backstory for her and all that and was just actually men like usual. So the judges presumably thought,

we're giving this prize to a woman. We're going to, you know, ferment change in the literary scene, but no, not one, but three guys got up and accepted the price. But Dom, I don't think you should be cancelling anyone

for doing something like that. I think that's just a harmless prank. Right. Perhaps take a little bit too far, but no consequences should come. come from anything like this. Gabby Bolt, you watch the uni documentary. Yeah, spoken like a true all-male comedy troupe in the early thousands.

Well, I must say a number of people in the chaser, including me, including Craig, noticed a certain parallel between this incident and a certain Charles Firth and Andrew Hanson entry. No. For a prize at Sydney University. Did you win that? Do you remember? I remember you entering it last minute. I don't remember you winning it.

It wasn't just a fake woman. It was a fake woman of colour, Charles. Oh, my, you're the worst. No, we entered the competition. It was like a $5,000 prize. Oh, yeah, because money is the thing that you need more of. We were poor uni students. We thought, eye on the prize.

I'm still. And you had to submit it under a non-de-plume. So we just created the, like, it wasn't like our choice. It was to ensure that there was no corruption in the process. So you had to have an anonymised name. and we just chose the name Susan Tsang. I feel like there are so many things that the cops could listen to this podcast and arrest you for.

What is it with white men thinking that they can just do? It's like, oh, well, you could cheat the system if you want. I just did what anyone would have done. Gabby, let me and Spain here the 1990s. It was a different era back then. We didn't know better. It's nothing Scarlett Johansson didn't do on screen about two or three years ago. I don't think it's that you didn't know better.

I think it's just nobody listened to the people who raised it. I feel like there would have been people around at the time. Shut up, Gabi. Being like, hey, this is a bit wrong. We've heard enough from you. Yeah, fair enough. I'll just recluse back into my cage where I live in the chaser offices for the woman in the building. When this came out in the iny documentary, did anyone raise the issue?

Did anyone say, Charles, I actually think that was really inappropriate for you to adopt the persona of a woman of color? Well, look, look, I think there was a lot of tatting. Like, there was a lot of people who thought. that it was... Did you win the prize? We didn't, but we did get shortlisted. There was a moment where there was... One of the committee thought that we should win the prize.

So I guess the happy ending is that you weren't successful enough to be cancelled. Our gear is from road microphones. We're part of the Acast, Creator Network, and full legal responsibility for this episode is taken by Susan Seng. Oh my God. Oh, sorry, by Gapie. Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Encyclopedia's W through Z when Xylophones, you know, you know what? I'm done. The joke was old about four

sponsors ago.