The Chaser Report - Nuclear War Creates Tourist Boom

Episode Date: May 18, 2025

Dom jumps on a grenade for everyone by reading the latest think-piece from the Daily Mail, where it outlined how a future nuclear war *may* impact your travel plans. This is essential listening for anyone with a vacation booked anytime within the next 3 months/decade.---Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] our caviar addiction: https://chaser.com.au/support/  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Today, Charles, the potential threat of nuclear war in several places, of course, in Kashmir, the fault line between India and Pakistan. And as Donald Trump is rapidly learning, Vladimir Putin doesn't seem like he actually wants to resolve the war in Ukraine. So those two places could have nuclear conflict in the first, in the next of the war. Potentially this year, this could break out.

Yes. You look worried. Don't be worried. I am extremely worried. No, don't be worried. Because I'm thinking, what happens to the chaser in the event of a nuclear war? Isn't there a bunker? Well, we'll be the last satirist in the war.

We've got the chaser bunker and we've got a continuity plan. Yeah, the continuity plan. Yeah, the continuity plan. We should definitely talk about that later. But no, don't be so worried, Charles, because the good news is it won't improve. packed Western capitalism. So whatever happens in Kashmir or you go, no, no, it's fine. They've had a look at this.

The thing you need to know in short, before we get into the detail, is the insurance industry has got it all sorted. So I don't know about that. But just before we get into that fascinating and not at all concerning story shows, I have to acknowledge something. It pains me to do so. But your Wankanomics show was actually really good on Friday. It was very funny.

There was a narrative, just like you said. You know, you put a plot in there, and there was a sense of jeopardy. There was a coup de theatre at one point that I won't mention. And there was even audience participation that didn't go horribly wrong. So if you get the chance to see the Wanganomics show, begrudgingly you should. Well, has it finished? I do hope it's finished everywhere. It's wrapping up this week.

You can see it in Wollongong. Oh, there you go. The cultural capital of Australia. Newcastle, which actually is a bit of a cultural capital. Yeah, definitely Newcastle. And we're doing two more shows. in Brisbane, but they're both sold out. Oh, wow.

So basically Wollongong on Newcastle. So, I mean, yeah, it's sold incredibly well in Sydney. There were several sold-out performances over this past weekend, and it's touring around the world. So I remain confident it will fail someday, but it's not this year. This isn't the year for it. Oh, thank you. That's very kind of here.

Yeah, yeah, I have to acknowledge that. So there you go. Let's rip into the nuclear plans after this. Maybe that's what will bring when economics undone. is nuclear war. Well, it'll be a different target. Maybe your next show should be about nuclear planning. A Dr. Strangelove version, but with management consultants.

Yes, that's right. That would actually be... But also with the contingency planning in the bunker, I think that could be interesting. Yeah. So, Charles, at times of great tension and stress in the world, the one thing that we know is that we need reliable journalism. Yes, we need sources of truth. Yes.

Because as the Washington Post said, in its slogan, democracy dies in darkness, they didn't add, or if Jeff Bezos wants to do a deal with Donald Trump, they didn't add that little caveat to it. But anyway, and so we turn today, Charles, to the Daily Mail, which has published this headline within the past. Sorry, a couple of days. Sorry, just to interrupt. So you're saying Daily Mail is a source of truth? It's a source of news, Charles.

Right, okay. Here's the headline for you. Noor Qureshi wrote this a couple of days ago. This is the first half of the sentence. Worried a nuclear war will stop flights and your holiday? Guess what the second half of the sentence is? Don't worry, it's all sorted, surely, isn't it? Oh, no, no, it'll be product placement.

It'll be something like, you know, Alleyon's insurance has you covered. Actually, being the Daily Mail, you'd expect it to go, you should be because it will mean more immigrants. That's the normal editorial line of the day. Or it's like, he is 17 bikini shots. Lots of people fleeing for their lives. Or here's how Nigel Farage will save you. Okay. Now, the second half of the sentence in the headline is, don't.

Experts are changing policies. Normally newspapers like the Daily Mail. A, don't have any time for policies. And B, they do they really disdain experts, don't they? But also, don't they want you to be scared and sort of thing? Like, it's very non-daily mail. I know. I just sort of say nothing.

Don't worry about nuclear war. it's not a problem. Yeah, normally that's true. Normally alarmism. I suppose it's, again, the nuclear war doesn't involve immigrants in any obvious way. But also, presumably they get a lot of advertisers from the travel industry. So maybe that's what this is all about. So is this an advertorial for travel enjoy?

No, no. This is a piece to reassure us. Let me explain why. Airlines have taken steps, and I'm quoting here, to ensure it will still be business as usual in the event of a nuclear war. So passengers can continue to enjoy their whole. holidays. That's the first sentence. And here's the reason.

And I suppose actually, if you had a nuclear blood, because doesn't radiation have the same sort of effect as sun tanning, at least initially? Potentially. Yeah. I mean, obviously there's the tumours beneath the surface of the skin, but on the surface of the skin, perhaps. But also. But, you know, if there'd be a sweet spot, like say it's happened in Kashmir, if you would say maybe a few thousand kilometres away over in, I don't know, what, the Philippines or something like that. I'm just trying to think of...

Yeah, the right sort of distance. Maybe Vietnam or something. Yeah, you get the right distance. Well, this is what I'm thinking, Charles. You just supercharged your sun tan. The beaches of places like Thailand, like kind of white lotus. Yes. We know that one of the greatest things you can do is just look at a beautiful sunset in Asia in the equator.

Yes. Imagine if there's a mushroom cloud. Well, this is... Perfectly time for the sunset. Well, the resort. But also, for months afterwards, because when Krakatoa happened, notoriously it was like for the next year or so the sunsets across the world were amazing yeah the volcanic ash yeah so I feel like that would happen again that could be good

it would actually be a boom time for for tourist operators because people would be seeking out really good sunsets I'm not sure what the SPF required would be um to protect you from from radiation I don't know well they need to add lead to the do we need to add some lead yeah instead of Banana boat. Instead of zinc, yeah, lead. Lead sun cream. That could be healthy.

So here's the thing, Charles. The issue is, and I do admire the way that the legal industry is able to keep up the date with changing times and the insurance industry. So the policies say if there's a single nuclear... I actually read the quote out because this is too good. Currently, the rules force the grounding of all civil aircraft worldwide

when there is a single nuclear detonation. as it is assumed that this would lead to the outbreak of a third world war. So there's one nuclear blast just somewhere and we ground all the planes. What a killjoy's! Yeah, sort of like obviously, you know, this would have been early 1950s. It is, it's 50s. That's when these rules came in. It's Doc Ever, you know, Mr. Worrywart going, oh no, we need to worry about nuclear war.

I mean, that's so old-fashioned. I'm going to keep reading the article. Yeah. But bosses have scrutinized the report. restrictive policies, saying, why should planes be grounded in the event of nuclear destination? Ah, such. Yes, because, I mean, because it's not happening to you.

That's the whole point. They're bombing somebody else. There's no reason why you still can't get on your cheap jet star flight to Bali or something. Yes. Vladimir Putin doesn't want to stop you doing that. And it's sort of like you're allowed, it's that whole psychological principle of you're allowing other people's worries to affect you. Which is not the right way to do it

You should just like If they want to make nuclear war That's their business You're going to go on your holiday Now Charles This all began in 2020 When Vladimir Putin So helpfully and not at all

Chillingly threatened to deploy Russia's weapons against Ukraine The world's largest aviation And again I'm quoting Aviation Insurance broker Gallagher Began interrogating their policies Because they thought well Maybe it won't have

Impact anybody else It was not as bad as we first thought. Yeah, maybe it's limited. And the reason is, I'm going to quote the senior partner of that firm. Nigel Weyman, who told the Telegraph newspaper, because it's a daily mail that it's copy and paste from other newspapers. Back when the wording was drawn up, it was assumed that any hostile detonation meant that it would be all over.

Armageddon. What they didn't have in those days was tactical nuclear weapons in size and impact. So it's a fun size. nuke. Isn't it lucky that we've got tactical nuke? Yeah. Because it just makes it's so much easier to just get on with your life. Yeah, that's right.

In the event of a nuclear war. And okay, they've destroyed Kyiv or maybe only half of Kyiv. Like maybe only a suburb of Kiev. And, you know, look, I know that we're somewhat, you know, being sarcastic and joking, but do you have think? You've got to realize that we have, you know, just in

the last few years, witnessed a genocide in Gaza and no one's better than I lead. You know, holiday plans haven't been interrupted, you know, for that. So why, if that happened somewhere else in the world, should we worry about that? Like, we just keep going with our business. Well, I mean, America has gravity bombs, apparently, with a yield as low as 0.3 kilotons. Right.

So the little boy Hiroshima bomb was 100 kilotones. Yeah. So it's the equivalent of a negraise, really. For us. For a nuclear war. So those worried about fallout. For those, obviously, who it drops on. But people in Ukraine are used to follow that, aren't they, because of Chernobyl.

Oh, that's true, actually. They're very, yeah, that's probably, they've probably already got the gear. Yeah, they're probably just already, you know, they probably need a bit of radiation in there. So they've normalized it in the bloodstream. I don't think that's the thing that happens, but maybe. So, well, it would certainly, I mean, if they were, if they, let's say if they developed a tumor or something, which they probably would from the radiation, well, radiotherapy is already, I don't think that makes me a sense. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens.

In 2023, North Korea unveiled a tactical weapon. We don't know if it's real, but that. And Pakistan apparently has a battlefield nuclear warhead they can put on a missile. So that suggests that it only take out the battlefield. And here's what the insurance broker, Mr. Weyman says. And I'm quoting here, why should Air New Zealand be grounded in the event of a nuclear detonation in Europe? That was quite minor. Exactly, especially, you know, if you've booked one of those flights where you get the middle seat as well.

You know how, you know, the little layflat there. That would be a real bugger. To lose that. To lose that just because somebody half-oacrossed the world launched a nuclear war. You know what I mean? So there's even a contingency plan. Let's put things into perspective here. Yeah.

I mean, lying flat is important. It really is important. Comfort's important. So, I mean, here's what happens. We're talking about contingency plans. In the event of a detonation somewhere in the world, a 15 strong group of insurers, including Allianz, who you mentioned before, the world's largest insurer.

They would gather within four hours. Each carrier then gets a billion US dollars of money from the pool of insurers for passengers and third parties. So it's not quite as much as they had before, but there's a plan. And the cost of the scheme, Charles, get this. This is where it gets really good. Yeah. It's less than the price of a cup of coffee per passenger for this.

What a bargain. Right. For this new insurance premium that airlines can get. Right. So I'm just trying to understand. So what do they think is going to happen? They're just going to, they just think that nuclear war and then people won't go, oh, I'm a little bit worried about that.

Maybe I should stay home. They're just literally going to go. They're counting on people continuing to want to go. For cheap, boozy holidays. I must say, is it a fairly safe bed. Yeah, it does seem pretty likely. Yeah. I can't imagine.

So many Australians are going to Japan now. I mean, there's a million Australians going to Japan this year. Why should they have to stop their trip to see the Hiroshima? The very moving Hiroshima museum, which I've been to. It's a life-changing experience. They should still get to travel to Japan to see that nuclear war is bad rather than turning on the news and seeing that nuclear war is bad. The mistake that Hiroshima made back in 45 was not taking out this insurance.

Well, it wasn't available back then. Yeah, see? Yeah. Yeah. So, look, things could have been very... Nagasaki and Hiroshima had just had insurance. I mean, Nagasaki had, what, a couple of days. It would have signed up after that.

Yes, exactly. I wonder that would have put up their premiums, though. So it is good, though, but it just makes me wonder, Charles, is there an insurance product for us? Like, where's the... There's an opportunity to market to consumers here? Is there something that helps us to turn a blind eye? I kind of feel like if there was a nuclear war, it would be the end of capitalism, right? Well, you thought that before, but perhaps not now.

I think capitalism, it will find a new way. It will mutate. I've been selling nuclear war policies on the side. Have you? On the basis that I probably will never need to pay out. Oh, right. Because everyone who signs up for it, because there will be the high risk people who are signing up for it, will probably be dead anyway. That's, yeah, you know what I mean?

That's Ponzi scheme that you've been sitting out. But Charles, what I want, I'll tell you what I want, I want an insurance policy that will protect me in the event that anyone mentions depressing news, like the deployment of a nuclear weapon, I don't know, in Kashmir. If someone mentions it to me or I get a notification on my phone, and it upsets me, I want insurance against that feeling of, I guess, connection or empathy. Normally what you would do in that circumstance, achieve that level of sort of essentially living in a bubble is you'd read publications like

the Daily Mail. Yeah, exactly. What's gone wrong? Well, I need insurance against the Daily Mail having a story that isn't just bashing migrants. Yes. Maybe just watch Channel 7 from now on. I think that's a fairly safe bit.

So, as for the chaser in our contingency plans, I mean, what happens to the podcast? Well, you know, are you not part of the contingency plans? There's no one to. No. I don't, what is there a, is there a, I've seen the West Wing as a special. All the important members of the J-Sug get put in the bunker. Oh, I mean, naturally, I presume it's beneath Craig's house. Yeah, it's Craig's house.

Although Craig would have built himself, so it'll be finished. Craig, Chris and Andrew. I think that's generous. I think it might just be Craig. Oh, no, they'd need Chaz. They'd need Chaz to wear political t-shirts and explain what it. all meant, wouldn't they? No, but I think that, you know,

because his show is called Planet America, but there's no planet left. Oh, yeah, I suppose it's outmoded at that point. Yeah, well, the continuity plans for Australian comedy, I think. I mean, as long as... Because they're continuity insurance for merch sales. Oh. Because imagine if the world didn't have access

to Chase's high-quality merchandise range. Oh, my goodness. You know, this is the sort of, you know, when you start looking into business, insurance you just go it's very inadequate for for real world need i mean i want in the event that there's uh radiation and fallout around i want to be sheltering beneath one of the chases famous avocado pool toys i want to i want to shelter made it out of those things i think it's past those nothing well there's certainly enough of them to yeah very good and actually you can

like they also protect you against climate change because in the event of global warming leading to rising sea levels you just float away on an avocado pool do you? Well, thank you to the Daily Mail for covering this contingency for us. I'm relieved that my little jaunts on board airlines will continue in the event of tactical nuclear weapons being deployed. Do they have nuclear war coverage for things like essential services, like hospitals and schools? Oh, I don't know if they've bothered to think about that one yet. Yeah, that's not really. It's not really. And I really hope. And also, if it's going to cost a cup of coffee a day to keep those things running.

I'm not sure. I'm not up for that. And I just hope that the in-flight movie selection is, you know, appropriate, what Armageddon or... Oh, yes. It'd be terrible getting on a flight and the only selection in, you know, you're wanting to sort of get into the whole mood. And instead it's just, you've got mail or something. Actually, I mean, you've got mail, I think would be the perfect thing to watch as the world ended. We are part of the iconoclast.

network well depending on what happens with the whole nuclear weapons thing oh no wait it's not going to affect us oh yeah hey hey hey