The Chaser Report - NYPD Starts A Chairman's Lounge

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

Sick of viruses getting all the attention, Dom brings a bacterial infection to the table. Lachlan wants a bigger piece of the pie from Meta's $50 million settlement. Plus John shares how New York's CEOs are putting an end to meaningless violence. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to another episode with The Triumvir. We have Lachlan Hodson, producer, extraordinary. Hello, Lachlan. Hello, Dom, how are you doing? And all the better for saying you on my Zoom screen. And John Delmenico is in the house again.

Hello, John. Good day, John. How's it going? Now, it's quite the tasty news smoggers board that we've assembled for this edition. The podcast finishing for the year, by the way, at the end of this one, week. We'll be back at the end of January, early February, something like that. So, you know, enjoy while it lasts. And God knows there are enough episodes released during the year. If you miss us, just listen back. Surely no one's listened to even half of them. That seems highly

impossible. If you're sick of the replay episodes, just do your own replays and listen back. Yeah, I don't know that we post your replay. War Stories. War Stories is a ton of fun. I've seen reviews asking for more War Stories episodes after you did it as a replay. There is an entire back catalogue for those listeners. There's so many war stories. Yeah, just look in the feed. That's your mistake, John. Don't read reviews.

Never hear what the audience thinks. I think all the previous episodes are available. You know, going back for four years or five years now. Yep. That's insane. Anyway, all right, lots to talk about today. I have, look, after so many years of being terrified of viruses, I've brought a terrifying bacterium to the table today just to mix things up.

Oh, that's good. I've been meaning to get injected with something before the Christmas break so I don't have to go see my family. Well, this is perfect. for that. Yeah, it's also been seen at some popular holiday hotspots. So we'd like going to make it at the Central Coast. I think anything at the Central Coast is a net positive. What have you got for us, Lachlan? Facebook just did a massive, massive, massive, massive payout to the Australian public. And I thought I should tell our listeners how to get some of that

sweet Facebook Dosh. Yeah, this actually seems like quite a good Christmas news. And John, I've got a good feel-good story about bringing hope back to the safety of CEOs. Okay, thank goodness for that If anyone needs it, it's the CEOs Yeah, they've had a rough trot For like one day That sounds very heartwarming, John I can't wait to get into that one after this

What's better than a well-marbled ribby sizzling on the barbecue? A well-marbled ribby sizzling on the barbecue That was carefully selected by an Instacart shopper And delivered to your door A well-marbled ribai you ordered Without even leaving the kitty pool Whatever groceries your summer calls for

Instacart has you covered Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders Service fees, exclusions and terms apply Instacart, groceries that over-deliver All right, I want to build up to my back to you because it's pretty special. Sounds like you, Lachlan, have some good news for people

who are not CEOs, so even though most of our listeners I assume are CEOs of something or other, why don't we start with the little people? Indeed, indeed. I have found a way for our dear listener to make as much as $170. James, how does that sound?

Whoa. That sounds like more that I'm getting to be here. It's almost enough to buy a pack of Red Rock Deli chips at Coles. You might have seen in the news that Meta have settled a lawsuit with the Australian Information

Commissioner over the Cambridge Analytica scandal. You guys are familiar with that massive privacy breach that happened around 2016, yes? Yeah, just before Donald Trump's election, entirely not coincidentally. No, no, no, no, nothing to do with that. Nothing to do with Facebook taking the data from tens of millions of its users from an app called This Digital Life and then selling it to a political campaigning group, Cambridge Adelaideica.

In the US, this was a massive scandal which resulted in Facebook having years and years court cases where they settled with the US Information Commissioner for a whopping $1 billion, $1 billion payout from META and it was the biggest payout they've ever had to agree to anywhere in the world. So almost like one-tenth of what they would have to pay if they paid tax. Oh my goodness, John, how could you? The billionaires have been through a really tough time and here you are just kicking on they're down. I'm sure they pay legitimate tax in, I don't know, Ireland or Monaco or Belize or

Lichtenstein or probably all those jurisdictions funneling money through. It is a problem that we do need to get across. But look, this is something. But what worries me, Loughlin, if I remember correctly, didn't you, in order to have your data harvested by Cambridge Analytical, didn't you need to basically participate in a lot of really shit quizzes? I'm worried. I'm worried that I didn't sign up for them. I'm worried that I was smart enough back in 2016 not to waste my time playing all those stupid hot or nautok quizzes or what Pokemon are you or whatever it is that they

had on there. Yes, no the data according to the ABC story that I was reading, the data that was achieved through this app came from rigorous psychological testing which basically just meant a whole bunch of would you rather what

Pokemon are you, which sourdose data are you most liked quizzes and that data was in sold on to the Republican campaigns for Donald Trump and Ted Cruz. I mean, if it had been the one back in the day, many years before, where it was kind of like, see who's been looking at your Facebook page, and you click on that and hoping that your secret crush is checking you out on face.

I would have fallen for that one. I want to be really clear. No, no, no. But I think this one, I was proof. That's basically a glue trap for a fly, and I am a fly. However, in Australia, so there was a one billion dollar payout in the US, and today, that equal payout was announced in Australia. with the Information Commissioner agreeing the META should pay out a hefty 5% of the payout

they agreed to in America. $50 million is how much Australia was able to squeeze out of the meta teat. I did a bit of the math. Apparently only 311,000 Australians were impacted. Australian Facebook users were impacted. So that equals about 170 bucks for those 300. 11,000. As you said, Dom, gullible Australians. I mean, to be fair, I don't think my personal data's worth more than that. So if anyone wants my personal data for $170, that's so fine. That's a

trade I'm happy to make. As long as I don't have to wait eight years for the payout, I'm on board. Well, that's kind of what I was thinking. Like, I don't care about my data, and I definitely don't care about 170 bucks. Maybe in 2016, when 170 bucks meant 170 bucks. But this is 2024. It's almost 2025. 170 bucks isn't going to get me shit. You can get a coffee for 170 bucks these days, can't you? A bad one, yes. A bad one.

7-11 one. But it did get me thinking that, look, it shouldn't only be trillionaire companies like Facebook that get in on this. I think that this is clearly going into 2025's Chaser Report era. This is our next grift. We've got an election coming up in Australia. Albo's going to want a leg up because he is really going to need a leg up. So why don't we just offer him the data from our millions of listeners?

Oh, that's a great idea. So all we need to do is put up some shit quizzes and get our listeners to play them. And that's a great. Can we do some shit quizzes? What sourdose data are you is really good? Yeah, yeah. You know, which BTS member are you most compatible with? I don't know.

I think we should do something timely. So I'm thinking, which Game of Thrones character are you most like? What percent brat are you? I still don't know what that means, by the way, but I do remember Carmelah Harris was brat, except that she was brat, indeed. And then she wasn't sort of definitively. And then she stopped existing in the context of the coconut tree.

I haven't heard anything of her in a very long time. Very exciting news. All right, well, yeah, that's a few bucks. Do you reckon either of you were eligible for that, or were you too young to be on Facebook in 2016? I think I was too old to be on Facebook in 2016. Ditto. If we were talking Snapchat, you might be interested.

All right, there you go. Okay, in a second, we'll find out why John has good news for CEOs, and I've got a delightful bacterium to share with you all, metaphorically. Or is it? I'll take either. When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most, when your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard? When the barbecues lit, but there's nothing to grill.

when the in-laws decide that actually they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer. So download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus, enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees exclusions and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over-deliver. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice.

The Chaser Report. Hasn't been an easy time for CEOs recently. I mean, our CEO, Charles Firth, has been absent for quite some time. Frankly, it's been a nice change having the two of you on the pod, if I'm going to be honest. Charles has been disappeared this whole time. Why are we looking for him? Yeah. Anything could have happened.

He's just left for a very long holiday. I'm sure that's what Brian Thompson's company told his family. If I was more interested, I'd be asking for proof of life when it comes to Charles, but I'm not. But in this case, John, you've got something to cheer us up. The CEOs out there. So from what I've been told, Charles is going to New York today, which is interesting timing. That seems unwise. The aftermath of the shooting of the healthcare CEO in New York,

they have decided because one rich person was killed, action must be taken immediately to stop this crime wave. And just spitballing, John, the shooting was done with a gun, wasn't it? Yeah, that's not. So you wouldn't want to ban guns, though. Of course not. What would you ban good-looking men? A good-looking man now sort of banned?

Is that why Charles is going over now? I love that you both thought of that at the same time What gun control would obviously be the silly person's solution They're going the best way possible Which is that they're going to have a secret meeting Of a bunch of CEOs and business leaders Alongside New York government And they're going to have a summit today

And CNN has had a leak Of what is apparently being debated at this summit But how to make CEOs safer Wow This is just going to be fantastic What would you guess would be Just a smart thing to do to help out the CEO's in need.

I mean, a security force would be what I'd have. I'd have a large number of private security guards heavily armed because the best way to stop a bad but good-looking person with a gun is a good but good-looking person with a bigger gun. I was going to suggest they all buy their own island, just lean into the Bond villain thing they've got going on. No one can get them there. Preferably somewhere with a volcano on location.

Or the island just becomes Manhattan. and they take over the rest of Manhattan and make it a safe space for CEOs because they've already... I mean, you know all those super tall skyscrapers it's already basically impossible to be poor and even get into Manhattan now. Why not just shut the whole thing off, Bainstile?

Blow the bridges. Yes, Bain style. I like that. A Dark Night Rises reference. Let's bring it on. Well, so part of it is slightly what Dom's at the start where they will be having calls to help CEOs buy security companies.

But the other big thing, according to CNN, is setting up a hot. line so that CEOs don't have to wait in the 911 cues. Oh my gosh. Yes. Well, of course. I mean, to make it like health care. At the moment, policing in America is strangely like not stratified, right?

I mean, you've got obviously private security indicated communities. But yeah, you can't call a special number and get like faster police the way you can get much better health care if you're a CEO. Wow. Wait, you can't. No. I assumed you could. Maybe you'd like 912 if you're like. your net worth is above $100 million.

So how's this going to work, John? So we don't have much details on the plan yet, because, again, they're going to be debating this plan and when they pull it out. But the idea is, at the very least, so that if they get a criminal threat or if there's something threatening going on outside their building, they can go straight to the police

and not have to talk to 911 first. You know, because they're better than the rest of us, they shouldn't have to wait in the very underfunded system that is 911 operator. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's not that they're jumping the queue. There's just avoiding the queue entirely Like there's just a different system with no cues

That sounds great John, I don't know if you're being sarcastic But I sincerely agree with everything you're saying So keep going But there is one slight flaw with this plan Which is that if you think back to the murder This is based on There was no threats made beforehand

I was pondering this Like this presupposes that there's actually enough time To like go ooh Here's a very handsome male model Who seems to be branching a gun in my direction Oh I'm going to call 912 who and the private police will be here in five minutes. And yeah, there's not time for that.

What are they going to do? Well, but isn't that more of the reason why they need to have a streamlined hotline? Because if some very attractive gentleman starts following you in the street, you've got to get onto the cops immediately. You need them behind you in seconds. Of course, this is, again, more proof that they need to have a streamlined system for these bullies. I don't think this goes far enough, John. I think what they really need to do, forget your hotlines.

They need drones. an army of drones in the skies of New York at all times. It's hovering around, constantly scanning the faces of people to see if any of them are, you know, poor or left wing or, like, quite troublingly good looking. And then if they do anything, if they, you know, if there's even a slight gesture that could be pulling a gun out, maybe they're pulling out a phone or something

and it's a mistake, it's fine. Just shoot to kill. You just shoot guns in the skies. We could call, I don't know, Skynet. Basically, I want to see flying killer drones. protecting CEOs. It's the only thing that'll work. I think they need a NYPD Chairman's Lounge. Sounds like what it is, yeah?

Just whining and dining with the best the police force. You get to hang out with all your buddies, all the CEOs and all the politicians just hanging out away from all the poor people who could assassinate them. So once the CEOs are all looked after and there's the VIP hotline in the Chairman's lounge and maybe the killer drones, do you think then, do you think at that point maybe they'll start making schools like shooter proof? Like just find a way that you can go to school in the US without getting assassinated by a random government

or you think that's still too hard. Maybe the kids should try to become CEOs. Now you're thinking. If this was CEO preschool instead of regular preschool, then maybe they deserve to live. I just think if the CEOs were all on a different island, as you say, it'd just be so much easier. I mean, there was a guy called Jeffrey who did that

and it didn't go very well. Put all the rich people on a different island. Lockland looks confused. It was an Epstein joke. Oh, oh. Yeah, it'd be fair to say that, yeah, the Geoffrey Epstein Island, John, didn't manage to avoid the attention of law enforcement in the long term. That's certainly true. All right, now just before we go, a bit of holiday news.

Lachlan, I know you come from an idyllic paradise to central coast. I'm from there. Unfortunately, this is not in the central coast, but I mentioned a bacterium. I want to tell you about the Baruli ulcer. It was in Victoria a few years ago, but the good news is it's just made it to Bateman's Bay on the south coast. There's a couple of cases there. They've been genetically linked to an earlier infection in New South Wales town. The Herald has some extraordinary pictures of the rotting flesh of the people who've got this bacteria.

It's a flesh-eating ulcer. And it looks basically like this guy's finger who's got it. It's basically, there's exposed skin, there's pus. It's basically just what you want on your holiday. And it basically looks like something out of a horror movie. So that's what's happening. Oh, my. When you go to the Sydney Morning Herald's website to look at these beautiful photos,

they have sensitive content warning. Yeah, you've got to click on sensitive content warning. And it says here. That's worse than King Charles's fingers. That's true. That is actually the even worse fingers. He probably would like having this to sort out that slightly chubby fingers, which is really what I wanted to talk about

because when Kate Orbison's written this article saying it's a risk of spreading to Sydney, it could be quite troubling. To my mind, I'm seeing radical weight loss treatment. I mean, if I could get this ulcer in the right part of my body, it would literally melt the gut away. And would be so much cheaper than paying a prescription for a Zen pic. It would. I mean, it says here that the myobacterium ulcerans bacterium releases a toxin that eats away at the skin

and your subcutaneous soft tissue. It does take five months to incubate, but then weeks after the non-healing sore appears, the wound collapses. It says here, leaving a gaping ulcer. I want one of those gaping ulcers. It's basically no different to, what wasn't, Having a tapeworm, a very trendy form of weight loss, is that still a thing that people do? I think we could mix the two. Mix the two, absolutely. Mosquitoes are involved, so make sure you don't put a mosquito repellent.

And apparently it can be treated fairly easily with antibiotics. So definitely don't take those if you want to get on board the broly diet fad that I'm starting. Sounds like our summer bodies are going to be here within five months, right on time. Also, huge congratulations to Victoria. They can finally get payback with New South Wales for COVID. Yes, that's true. The removalists. So it does say here, there's another article here from September of last year from Victoria. One of the women who got it was in so much pain that she taught her cockatoo to swear because she was swearing so much.

Now, the cockatoo now says the F word. So, not optimal. No, call me back when the cockatoo knows how to pronounce Baruli. also. All right, so there you go. That's the big news of the day. We'll catch you tomorrow on the pod. Thank you, John.

Thank you, Lachlan. Two days left after this. I know, I know. It's beginning to sound a lot like a very bruelly Christmas. See you guys. Catchers. We're part of the Iconiclass Network. See you tomorrow.

When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most, when your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard. When the barbecues lit, but there's nothing to grill. When the in-laws decide that actually they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer. So download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus, enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees exclusions and terms apply.

Instacart, groceries that over-deliver.