The Chaser Report - Our Shameful Apple Newsfeed

Episode Date: June 25, 2025

Charles and Dom reveal their most shameful secret, which is what their algorithm shows them on Apple News. Turns out these self-described "thought leaders" are a bit more shallow than they put on. ---VOTE OPTICS FOR A LOGIE: https://vote.tvweeklogies.com.au/Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] our caviar addiction: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Jacer Report with Dom and Charles. This is less topical than some of our recent episodes because frankly we are recording it a day in advance because we're exhausted by the war, the not war, the peace. Don, don't let on. No, we got up at 4 a.m. on the day this came out to record this, just like we promised to do five years ago. We wanted to give you a less topical one.

A timeless one. So that we can just sort of move on. It's not totally non-topical. What we're going to talk about today is the state of Apple News. And in particular, the sort of promise of algorithmic sort of news. Sorry, hang on. Can I ask us to speak about news. I just opened the Guardian website.

Look what I've got. A giant ad for Craig Rucasel doing radio. I've got to close that. I don't want news anymore. more. Actually, if I subscribe to Apple News, can you guarantee me I won't see Craig's face? Oh, I'll tell you all about Apple News in a Sikh. All right, very good.

By the way, we should note that we are delivering on our long-term promise of weekend episodes. In fact, we've already recorded, speaking of Apple, there's an episode coming for paid subscribers this weekend. About how shit Apple is. Yeah, and basically Charles, Charles' theory becomes kind of an avatar for his psyche in a genuinely disturbing way. You don't want to miss it, so make sure you subscribe if you want to. We did say we'd offer...

Bonice S, we've done a terrible job. Sorry about that. But we're going to do them from now on. And the point is, what we're doing is we're going to have a weekend episode of the Chaser report every week, which will be only for our valued subscribers. Thanks. Finally, being valued after many years of genuine neglect. Sorry about that.

But you know us by now, surely. Anyway, let's take a break, which people who pay won't hear, because they get had free podcasts, and then you can get into Apple News. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month.

Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. You know how Apple News is actually slowly taking over the entire news media. I didn't know that. Yeah, so Apple News is the app that you have on your iPhone and, you know, like half the world's population has an iPhone by now. And just slowly but surely, people are sort of opening it up after years of not using it. And because it's all bundled in with Apple TV and Apple games and, you know, Apple everything. Apple One, which is... Apple Cloud. Amazingly bad. There's so little an offer now. Oh, it's terrible. Anyway, but I still

subscribe. Part of that is Apple News, and so it's starting to be a real driver of revenue and sort of clicks for the news organizations that send their articles to Apple News. And we should clarify what the point of it is initially, because I'm one of the people who really loves it, which is that it provides a way of kind of formatting text very elegantly. It has a lot less of the crap that's on most news websites. And there's a revenue model, right? So if I want to read a News court publication, they're all on Apple News.

news, I can actually look at them there and see the full articles without having to subscribe with the Australian, for instance. And give your money to evil people. Instead, you can give them to other evil people. To Apple, who give them a tiny, tiny amount of the Apple news description. And yes, as you say, all the Murdoch

press is on there, but actually also some really good reliable journalism is on there as well. Yeah, the Guardians on there, the heralds on there. But things like even, you know, Vanity Fair, Rolling Stone magazine, you know, the Atlantic. The Atlantic's on there, very handy. And the whole point is the original offer was $10 a month and then you don't have to subscribe to 100 million news sites,

but you can still get access to 100 million news sources. Great idea, future of news, right? The one last thing is, like, what Apple noticed was that people were getting their news from scrolling through Facebook and Instagram and TikTok and everything like that. And this is supposed to be, well, why don't we do the same sort of thing where you can sort of scroll through the news, but you're actually getting real journalism.

Yeah, as opposed to all the sources. as well as Murdoch stuff Yeah as opposed to the kind of Cheney clickbait Although that said ironically Facebook and all that Don't even bother with that anymore So Dom

What's the one thing that you'd expect An app called news Would be quite good at delivering Well Charles Were I not a long-term Mudes of Apple news My answer would be I mean duh

It's news Yeah But But so the last few days There's been You know Some quite important news Out there in the

the universe like brink of world war three destruction of the rule of law the international order yeah so what every time i've opened up apple news in the last few days to go oh well i'm paying for this so it might be quite good at its job god that's loud yeah it just opens up with absolutely fucking dross dross i might add that i'm very likely to click on right well this is the problem the whole problem right so he knows me and the algorithm knows me, and it knows that what I want to read about is not, you know, the collapse of the international order,

which is what the Herald and the Guard, you know, you go onto those websites, and you go, well, of course I'm going to scroll down on the Herald website and click on the, you know, property. Yeah. You know, which house sold for the most in Vaucluse this week style thing. But I want to pretend that actually, you know, the headline is the thing that I'm going to.

to read, right? So, hang on, let's conduct an experiment here, right? Yeah. You've got Apple News and I've got Apple News. What's your top story? I'm going to get my phone out as well. I'll tell you to my top story. Yep. I'll tell you it. Top story of all. I'm just opening it up. My kids are calling me selfish. This is from Slate. My kids are calling me selfish and cutting me off from my grandbabies. The reason is deeply unfair. That's the top story. That's the top story. On your Apple News. Which, you know, like, can I tell you my top story? Oh yeah, what's your top story? Airport not coping.

Kwanis flights diverted after Iranian strikes throw, travel into chaos. The local angle. Yeah. Then Iranian media claims ceasefire has begun after four killed in Israel. So you get served by the news. But then, I will admit that slightly further down, maybe at, sorry number five, discover the diet that claims to make you happier. So it knows me as well.

I mean, the second article for me is my mother-in-law is, My mother-in-law loves buying pink princess dresses for our daughter. Seriously? There's just one problem. These are great articles. I thought you read hard news. I thought you were like me. I thought so too.

No, I want... Can you tell me that? Can you give me the details on that? I know, exactly. I want to know about that article. The thing is, everyone's on tender hooks now because they want to find out... Yeah, I bought the podcast. Just tell you about that news story.

How do I get Apple to use to show me that? so it's sort of like and I know and people actually hypothesized that this was going to be a problem 15 or 20 years ago that actually no one would end up knowing anything about the world

because everyone would just click on the salacious articles that didn't really tell them anything So in other words it's like news.com that I use it's Apple news.com that I use Yeah yeah yeah Okay exactly and and the problem is it's not doing it because

like it's not doing it it because it doesn't have news to serve. It's doing it because it knows me better than I wanted to know me. Well, we've got to do something about this. There's another thing we can look at. The third story down is, this is the other thing. I don't think it does completely know me. This one is Diego Luna slams Trump's immigration policies.

So he's immigrants are the ones who build this country. Now, this is from the Hollywood Reporter, which is obviously what I read. So who is Diego Luna? Oh, he's an actor from Andor, isn't he? Oh, okay. So, Charles, this is under the heading, Best of News Plus, selected exclusively for subscribers.

Oh, okay. Can I just give you the absolute best of this is the goal. I've got that on me, yeah. So mine is, nothing, this is the courier mail. Oh, shit. Nothing I'd seen before. What really goes on at, swingers parties. Oh, my God.

I don't want to know that, or do I. Mine is more shameful. Mine is opinion. Sorry, Liz Hurley and Sabrina Car, Celebrities Getting Naked Is no longer interesting. Oh, I better click on that because that doesn't look very interesting.

All right, so Charles, let's examine another question here. Is this just you and potentially me? Or is this everybody? I've got the trending stories on Apple News here. And the number one story in the whole country at the time of recording on Apple News. Just double-check yours is the same. As a cross-check.

Skynews.com.com. I have abandoned plus-sized people. Elena Dockich reveals sad truth after halving dress size. No, it doesn't work like that. She doesn't like fat people anymore. No, no, because there is no, where, how do you find trending stories? I've scrolled down. I mean, this is on the, um, oh, I see, okay, yeah.

And then there's number two. The absolute top story now, after I've refreshed, is a wide article called The World Quantified. Oh, that sounds very good. Which is all about quantum meaning. the ultimate middle class toy that could slash the value of your home, what do you think that is? Oh, it'll be something like a toy that can slash the value of your home. Inverted commas toy.

Is it a robot vacuum cleaner? No, it's a suing pool. What? Oh, it's from London where it's Jimmy Suingpools are a stupid idea. This is rubbish. So I can't say, there's no trending news for me anywhere. I can't find that. No, a lot of my news is still bombing raid related, Charles.

I'm afraid. So I'm less shallow than you. That is, I wouldn't have never thought that. I think we need to ask our listeners to go on the Apple News app and just tell us whether they get hard-hitting news. Because if that's the case, I wonder whether... What does it tell? Does it mean that what we should do is make this podcast...

About that sort of news? ...into a more salacious... Like, should our podcast be about... Did you know that celebrities getting naked is not really interesting anymore, Dom? Actually, let's try and do that podcast now. Let's actually do a podcast where we're just talking about how shallow, like all the shallow things that we actually are interested. All right, let's take a break and we'll reboot in shallow mode.

If producer Lockeland could give us an appropriately shallow background, that would be very good. By the way, Charles, just on the way into this, just to give you a sense of my brain state today, I was mentioning a little bit exhausted and out of it, I tried to open a phanta lemon earlier. We've got this lovely little no-sugar fanta lemon cans. Oh, yeah.

And instead I opened a can of gin tonic. So I'm just boozing away on the couch here, completely unintentionally. It's not that, no, I suppose it's, what, 4.30 or something. It's beer o'clock somewhere. It's beer o'clock somewhere. I always think if they're drinking in New Zealand. Yeah, that's true. Good on you're in New Zealand.

Yeah. Do we have any of this in New Zealand, actually? Because we did have a few in America when we were talking about going and doing a U.S. podcast tool. Yes. There were a few people reached out. It's a highlight of all of them. Kiwis podcast at chaser.com. com.

Let us know if there's anyone over there across the Dutch. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at Fiz.C.

The Chaser Report. We're in shallow mode now I'm having my gin Come on So Dom The other day I had this terrible situation Which is

I like to give my daughter Like pink princess dresses All right And the thing is My mother-in-law Absolutely objects to that Are you sure we haven't got Apple news as confused

Because I'm the one with the daughters Who like pink princess dresses Like my three-year-old on the weekend. But you actually have that problem? Oh, we genuinely have that problem. Oh, right. Oh, that's hilarious. My daughter regularly rejects any clothes that isn't.

She calls them a ballerina, which is a dress you can spin around in like a ballerina. Yes, yeah. She doesn't know that a ballerina is a job. We're keeping it that way for now. Right. Yeah, but the whole feminist politics of giving your kids pink princess dresses. On the one hand, they get to make their own decision, and that's good and have their own identity. No, that's good.

On the other hand, their identity is all exactly the same. and it's basically based on chool. But isn't the point, though, Dom, that you've got to let your kids have their own, like, have fun just playing. Did you give your kids guns when they were little? Yeah. Did they get guns?

Yeah. I mean, not. I wasn't, I don't think we were allowed them. We were brought up, I was brought up strictly with no guns. I don't think we were allowed guns in my house. We had a sort of like, why don't we do lightsabers? Why don't we make a lightsaber? Oh, that's a good little.

You know. And actually, one of the great. birthdays we ever hosted so we had a Star Wars themed

party and I went out to Bunnings and for a dollar you can buy pool noodles

you can and you know if you're a if you're a four or five year old and you get given half or

maybe a third of a pool noodle with some black gaffatate round one end that is a

light sober I think you said this at the time that is a fucking that's a very good hack

and so what we did is we invited like i think it was i think one of the kids we talked about this on the radio show i remember 25 little kids we handed them you know for literally about seven dollars we were able to hand every single one of them a uh a lightsaber and that was the whole part it's about three hours of it and everyone was hitting each other but because they were pool noodles and because they were little fucking three year olds there was no power behind them it no one got injured and are you I'm just thinking

Because the problem is When you get into the teens Particularly boys, let's be honest They'll say things like Dad That's not the appropriate Lightsaber That Luke used in

You know The last Skywalker or whatever it was That's the one from episode three Where I don't know I'm getting my Star Wars wrong But you know what I'm saying They object to the particular design Of lightaber

Because they're way too involved Isn't that good You can give them a bloody pool noodle cut up You can't do that with Chul There's no one dollar Bunnings' chill dress I'm afraid Well no Exactly.

So you've got to do it before they get to the annoying age. But or when they do get to the annoying age and they say, oh, that's the wrong lightsaber, you just punch them in the face. Or you just literally zap them. I feel like we're not doing the... We've gone off the topic. The insipid news that was supposed to be doing. That's okay.

That reflects well on us, I feel. That we are doing insipid news listening that we can actually have proper conversation. I suppose we did talk about parenting then. Yes, that's true. That's very My own brand Actually a lot of My Apple News

Is full of parenting tips Do you want to lead me Do you want to lead a story Incipid mode And see if we can Uh Okay Let's see if I can find something insipid

This actually looks genuinely useful Use this ancient technique To remember almost anything Oh Here's a really good topic Which is more on brand For our podcast But just look

It's from futurism People being replaced by AI Are suffering a deep sense Of worthlessness Yeah That tracks that's probably true Charles here's one

Join the club Here's one that just Suggest that I'm middle class You'll like this Oh yeah Six high protein cheeses You should be eating According to dietitians

So there you go And is that written by the The Cheese Association of Australia It's from Delish And so this actually This is good Because if a dietician tells me I've got to eat expensive cheese

Then I can justify wasting money on it Yes I think that's exactly right cottage cheese, Parmesan and Swiss cheese. What? No, there's not fancy cheeses at all.

Anyway, that's disappointing. I know this is Thursday, Zep, and we are recording this on Tuesday afternoon. Yeah. It's a bit of a cheat.

But I did think maybe to end this episode, we should just go back to the real news. So I went back to the Herald website, and, yeah, I just want to go to bed. I just want to. It's so depressing.

I will give one new story. I think I'm going to read Apple. News from now on. You should. I don't need to know about all the distractions. Like, it's just literally photos of people being killed the whole way down the feet. The other weird thing about Apple News, have you noticed that all the ads are, like the same ad appears every time. They're all awful.

So here is proof that I've trained Apple News for the sort of story that it interests me. What ads do you get on Apple News, Don? Oh, they're all, let me see. I get an ad for Safari Browser. Bupa, HCF and NIB don't want seniors to know. this insurance hack, thinks I'm a senior. What it says, so this is a great story. Can I just give you?

This completely undermines old premise of the episode. But this is fascinating. Sold to the Trump family, one of the last undeveloped islands in the Mediterranean. Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner have spent more than a billion dollars. What? Get this headline on an Albanian island that will be a luxury resort, dash, once the unexploded ordinance has been removed. Think of the possibilities for an amazing reality.

reality TV show based on that. Go in there, Jared. Go in there, Ivanka. Check it out for yourselves. I'm sure there isn't any only-completed ordinance. So where's the... How did they afford a billion-dollar island? I assume the Qataris...

Trump doesn't have that much money. I assume the Qataris are also investors somehow. Ah, isn't that depressing? So is it... It's extraordinarily depressing. So how do you... How do you clear an island of ordinance? I think in the Trump family, it works like this.

Eric Eric The guide says There's all these signs Warning of landmines And he says No they're not actually landmines It's just unexploded ordinance

And so yes They were from the 1990s When criminals attacked the island Under the nose of the military So that's a great story I'm going to end on a positive note Apennies has made my day imagining the Trump Kushner family

Wandering around through A beautiful island Full of explosives that haven't Full of live explosives. We now know where they're going to flee. Yes. Remember, because these sorts of regimes always end up. Remember the Marcos?

Where Melda Marcos had like thousands of shoes in her cupboard? Of course, the kleptocracy. Yeah, and they fled? Yep. That's where they're going to flee too. Look, it's been another somewhat meandering episode, but Charles, on the bright side, for those who don't pay the money to subscribe to Apple News,

we've saved them money. Yes. Because there's no way they'll do it now. I feel like this episode has been as incoherent and as random as reading Apple News. Well, that was the intention. That was the whole, that's the poetry of this podcast. Very well done.

It's form follows function. Oh, it's incredible. I think it's time to say goodbye. Thank you for your company. We're part of the Aconi Clains Network and we are not available on Apple News. Why isn't it the Chaser on Apple News? I think Cam tried to get us on there a few years ago and they claim that we're not news. Well, that's really all that needs to be said, isn't it?

I'll catch you next time. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca.