The Chaser Report - Picnic in the ICU Ward | Craig Reucassel

Episode Date: August 26, 2021

Craig joins the show today to take his groundbreaking new segment for a test run, and Lachlan seeks help from his bosses with a personal problem. Plus Gabbi and Charles really really hate picnics. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is sponsored by Going to the Club. Overpriced drinks, sweat from strangers, the same five songs, and non-stop insecurity, all for just $30 entry. Woo! What's not to miss, baby! Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Friday, thank God, the 27th of the world. August and I'm joined here by Charles. I'm Gabby. I can't get away. We're saying I'm dumb.

No, I think that we did that yesterday. Yeah, I think people get through my ruse. But Gabby, uh, big news out of New South Wales yesterday. What is it now? We're getting our freedom back. We're getting freedom. Yes. What? What do you mean? Well, the New South Wales hit a thousand cases a day, over a thousand cases of a day. It doesn't sound super freeing yet. But ignore that. Ignore that. That's, that's irrelevant. now, because from the 13th of September, if you're vaccinated, five people can now gather outside for a picnic. We're all going to be able to have picnics.

Okay, you know what? Taking away the fact that the government's just handed people a loophole to jump through to get around social distancing laws. Picnics suck. I'll say it. Picnics are shit. Who wants to fucking gather for a fucking picnic? You know what I don't ever think about when I'm eating food?

Gee, I wish there was a less convenient way to eat this. I wish I could just go outside and eat this on the ground. It's such a, it is such a Gladys Peridiclian treat, isn't it? Like, everyone was going, what's the treat? Is it a bottle of whiskey? Is it a hair cut? You can have a pig. You can have ants eat your food while you sit uncomfortably on the ground.

I feel like I'm living in a dystopian children's nursery rhyme nightmare. I don't, what the fuck? You can go and eat jam, cream and scons on a rug. Now, so there is one little cat. caveat that I'd like to bring up about this little picnic plan, which is, okay, so cases are now a thousand a day, right? Woo! We did it.

And they're doubling every nine days at the moment, right? And it's been fairly consistent for the last week, right? Yeah. So that means, and September the 13th, that is 18 days away. That's two sets of doubling, right? So that means that it's likely to be about 4,000 cases. a day when we finally get our freedom to picnic, right? And don't you think, you know, there's 4,000 cases a day out in the community.

So that'll be like, literally, there'll be tens and tens of thousands of people infected everywhere. Doesn't that put you in the mood for a picnic? Isn't that a reason to celebrate? Not only that, if everyone decides on this fucking freedom fucking picnic day to go and have a picnic, everyone always assumes a picnic is at lunchtime activity. No one, no woman I know, is having a nighttime picnic, right? That is a recipe for fucking disaster. So everyone's going out and around, I don't know, 12, 31 to have their socially

distance picnic with their five vaccinated friends. But if everyone, we don't have enough land space for that. You go to your local park and there's just going to be like 50 million picnics. It's essentially a rock concert. I feel like I could get my piano out there and like make some money. It does feel like they haven't quite thought the whole thing. through. The other strange detail is that it's actually five people including your kids, right? So if you're like us and a family of four, that means you can basically invite

one Nigel No Friends over. That's me. I'll come hang out with your family. But the funny thing is Lachlan, he actually lives with his family in a family of six people. So, They're going to just have to exclude one. Kick one out. And I think it's going to be... I think we all know it's going to be Loughlin. So, okay, no, here's the game plan. His family kick him out.

Yes. Your family take him in. Yes. It's a Stuart Little situation. I love it. Yes. And then he can... And then instead of actually hanging out at the picnic

and having the worst time ever because no one actually has fun of the picnic, you just make him work. Yes. It's just extra work. You guys can enjoy your little family time and be like, Lachlan, get me those headlines. Get rid of all the ants that are eating our food.

I hate picnics. Coming up on the show, Craig has come up with a new secret segment that he's going to unveil. Oh. I know. I'm intrigued. Yeah. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Dayanumano in the Chaser Newsroom. Panic buying has set in as desperate heroin addicts across the Western world look to stock up on the drug

as the Taliban strengthens their control over Afghanistan. The heroin trade flourished in Afghanistan during the US occupation and now that the Taliban looks poised to ban poppy production again it has speculators and consumers very worried. Scott Morrison has discovered that COVID cases tend to dip during summer and has now enlisted all of Australia's arsonists to do their bit and start the bushfire season early this year. During yesterday's press conference in Hawaii,

the Prime Minister is quoted as saying it's not an easy choice to make but we have to get COVID. under control and I'm willing to take that risk. A 7,200-year-old fossilised woman was just uncovered in Indonesia, challenging previous scientific consensus about the migration pattern of humans. It is now understood that the woman was a refugee of a brutal meanderthal conflict and has spent 7,200 years in Indonesia waiting for the Australian government to process her. That's the latest Chaser News you can't trust.

I'm Rebecca Deunamuno. The Chaser Report is sponsored by being at the club. Look out for those super satisfying bass drops. Here it comes. Any time now. But almost. Here we go. Let all my friends go.

Hey guys. So look, I'm not doing a flawless solution at the moment, although in many ways this is a solution, because I've come up with a great new segment for this podcast. Oh, great, because we're running out, honestly. We are running out of ideas fast. Yeah, no. So the thing is, you know, like, podcasts are really taking over from radio, right?

But I've noticed that there's something that the podcast doesn't have, that radio does happen, right? So this is the first Chaser report, traffic report. Oh, my God. So on Holroyd M4 Motorway just past Church Street, there's a broken down truck at the moment at McCrow Pass. No, no, Craig. There's a lots more, Charles.

Craig, Craig, Craig. I've got to do all of the states, yes. Look, and we probably shouldn't tell our listeners, but this is pre-recorded. And also, this goes out across the whole nation. So. Yeah, but that's, I've got an answer to. Let me answer you a second question first, right? Firstly, I'm just going to do Sydney traffic, because there's no traffic in any other places except Melbourne.

And in Melbourne, they're in a lockdown. where there isn't traffic. But Sydney's, Sydney's into Sydney lockdown so it's still a lot of traffic. I've got to cover the traffic in. So see, that's,

yeah, so that's not a problem. So Macquarie paths or a highway, Charles, I think, I think Craig's finally lost it. I think this is the end of it. What?

What's wrong? What's wrong? Craig, Craig, yes, sweetie, happy for you. I'm proud that you've found a new niche. This isn't useful.

Why not? Um, well, first of all, anybody could be listening to this on any day at any time because it stays up forever. So, you know, if you report on something that has been cleared or isn't real, we might get into the shit. They'll be thrilled. They'll be thrilled. They'll be driving along going, well, I was expected to be held up here, but I'm not. And, you know, like, and the longer I'm in this lockdown, the more likely it is that I will intentionally cause a car accident. So I, um, I don't know whether this is a great podcast segment, really. But look, Hang the second.

So you're saying just because people might be listening to this, what, like a few days later, it's not live, maybe weeks later, this is a bad idea, right? This is what you're saying? Yeah. You're fundamentally misunderstanding the nature of traffic reports, right? So they never make sense. So if you think about it, you watch, like, sunrise or something, right? Has a traffic report, don't that, right? You're watching a television.

Yes. You are watching literally television. You are definitely not in a car. It's for people who... It's nothing to do with... Traffic reports have nothing to do with people needing them. It's dramatic intention, Craig. Because if you've lost a loved one in a traffic report,

there's no better way to find out than seeing the car that you know that they have on the news. You want me to find the death ones. Hang on, hang on. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't really want to find the death ones. Hang on a set. So, if you're saying this is entirely pointless

for the podcast. Are you going to be annoyed at how much money I've just spent buying a helicopter? Should I run this past you first? No, it's fine. If it works for Margaret Court, it works for you. Or is it Bronwyn Bishop who did the helicopter? I mixed them up all the time. If it worked for Bronwyn Bishop, then it can work for you, Craig.

I mean, Charles doesn't look at where the money is being spent in this company anyway. Look at me, my employment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't earned it. Well, it's funny because I did take the money out of the interns' business. year fund. What better use for it, to be honest? The only annoying part it is, is I'm still looking into the rules.

I think I can only fly the helicopter within a five-kilometer range of my house. Straight up, but only up five kilometres. So are you saying you don't like my new segment idea? Look, Craig, it was a valiant try. I think we still should run out each week because, you know, we've got an enormous sunk cost. and I think we should just chase our losses on this one. I guess you could use the helicopter just purve over like rich people's fences and sell what they're doing and sell the photos to TMZ.

So we might get something out of this anyway. You could do it in the eastern suburbs. Yeah. If you could tell us what's going on in the eastern. Foot traffic. That might be a good one. Foot traffic, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Yeah, just go and buzz all the people who are legally gathering. Yeah, yeah, that's what you should do. Actually, that would be funny. If we could just get a really loud thing off the, like a loud hail off the side of it and just buzz people. people in parks going, too many people for a picnic. We just attach a siren to a train. I think you've just invented the police force.

Yeah, I think they're really doing that. But I was going to do it in like, you know, not the West. But I have noticed, actually, that's not fair. Have you noticed that because there's so much outcry of the fact the constant photos of people on Bondi Beach, you know, sunbathing and that in the kind of the actual lockdown service, they have now, they basically have one police helicopter that just kind of buzzes Bondi Beach so that there is, it looks like they're doing stuff there. I did.

Isn't that just the police purve wanting to see all the chiseled chests and on the beach? Isn't that? No, the police can't come for Bondi because where else would they get their cocaine from? Oh, yeah. Well, I'm going to text the police now and tell them to land the helicopter at your place. Okay, that's good. Well, anyway, Jambury Mountain Road between Climte Road and Jamper. Stop!

Go away. The Chaser Report, less news, more often. Announcing a brand new album from the Wiggles personally approved by Matt Kannervan, reimagining all your favorite Wiggles songs. Toot, Toot, Chaga, Chugga, Chugga, Cold Pout Car. We'll get emissions going up real far. Toot, too, chugga, chugga, cold power car, we're going to burn the ozone down.

Just to one. He has pronouns in his bio Just to work He owns a keep up Just too woke You're ruining all the fun now Jeff's too woke He needs to shut up

Hands in the air Keep them right there I'm the police Get on the ground The only family-friendly album That teaches real family values Fruit salad Keep them separate

Fruit salad God's against it Food salad It's unnatural If we let the gays get married Who knows what they'll do next There's two genders There's two genders

There's two genders There's two genders There's two genders Don't get offended In these wiggles Only one is represented Everybody now No abortions, no abortions

No abortions No abortions, no abortions Wiggle all the way back to the 1950s with Matt Kannervan's Wiggles album. The Chaser Report is sponsored by Singing Alone at the Club. You may have lost your friends and wallet, but Wonderwall is always there for us.

Because maybe you're gonna be the ones I say Hey, Lachlan, thanks for joining us. Hey, Dom. I think you're about to make a terrible mistake and ask Charles and me for life advice. Guys, I've got a, I've got bad news. Oh, yeah. I think I have to defer uni.

Really? I think I've put it off for too long. I've just got to do it. Why? I can't possibly show my face there ever again. My public image has been irreversibly damaged. I just can't go back. So hang on.

So this isn't because you just haven't submitted. essays or anything like that. It's actually reputational? No, it's reputation. I've had a terrible miscommunication which has led to my image just being absolutely, there's no way I can save it. What happened? I'm doing a podcasting unit at uni, actually. I figured it'd be nice because I could learn about the ins and outs of the form and I could learn about how to improve this podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But most of all, I just figured it would be a good blood unit. Oh yeah, well, I wish I'd done that at you know, I wish podcasting had existed. when I was at uni. But anyway, it's actually funny. You bring it up because the first sort of

week of lectures, we're learning all about the different types of podcast, and the best types and the worst types. Do you want to have a guess at what the worst type of podcast is? Is the worst type when three men sit around chatting about their experiences and asking advice of each other? Yeah, you're right on the money. The lecture actually said, Lord forbid, if they're talking about the news and think they're funny. And that's a direct quote. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. Well, has the lecturer ever done a podcast?

Oh, yeah, they're all over the radio and the ins and outs. But who cares what academics think? I think we're doing this personal on our podcast. But anyway. What happened was we're doing all this introductory stuff. We're getting to know people in our class. We get put in pairs and we've got to tell people what our favorite podcasts are. Oh, yeah.

So, you know, obviously I said that my favorite podcast is Tony Martin Sizzletown. Right. Thanks for the loyalty, but sure. Thanks. Yeah, thanks for the loyalty, Loughlin. No, I'm sorry, I did keep loyal. I did say ours because the real reason I'm in the unit is for undercover advertising. Yeah, so you know, so you said Chase the report and what did she say?

He said, what's that? What? Yeah. I hadn't even heard of it. Well, see, this is the problem. We've got to get the word out there. We're going to get more people, intellectors about. podcast to spread the word about the taser report so that people know about it.

That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm on the front lines trying to push our brand. And to spread the notion that people talking about the news, you think they're funny, isn't always bad? Or maybe it is. I'm still not sure about that. To disavow people. Let's have confidence in our product.

Yes, I do. I do. All of this still isn't why I have to defer. Right. So part of what the exercise was, is we had to introduce the person that we just got to know. So his name was Julian, which is a completely wanky name. And he liked Chris Lilly's podcast, Jamaising.

Hang on, how is he not deferring? I know. I was going to say, I'll let the audience come to their conclusion on that. I think they had a shit podcast. And they hadn't listened to the Chaser report. So I had a bit of banter with him, and that was where my mistake happened. Oh, oh, yeah. So we were talking podcasts.

We're in a podcasting unit, so I thought I'd break the ice. I've got this little quip where I just say, oh whenever anyone tells me that they love the Joe Rogan podcast I take that as a code for oh you're not very bright then yeah well that's good that makes sense it's logical checks out really really making my position on Joe Rogan clear you know yes yeah so then we get to the part of the exercise

where we've got to introduce them and I go oh hey guys this is Julian he likes Chris Lilly for some reason and then he introduces me and he says and I quote oh yeah guys this is Loughlin He likes all sorts of stuff, but mostly Joe Rogan. Oh, no! So obviously I can't show my face to any of those people ever again.

I'm embarrassed beyond belief. No, no, don't defer. Don't defer. What you need to do is go on the Joe Rogan podcast and talk to Joe Rogan about how academics have it in for him, and you'll become a massive star and have your own podcast. Well, I think that Joe Rogan doesn't come under the, two friends who think they're funny because I can't imagine him being friends with

anyone he talks to him. But also, I think that you're actually going to be all right, Lachlan, because even though you have public shame for the rest of your life, those are these. Because you'd be an expert in public shame? Yeah, you will be able to, I think, apply for special consideration. If you go to the student centre and say, I really like Joe Rogan, they'll go, oh, you must be really dumb shit. but we'll give you 50% off all your masks or whatever.

That is really good because I was going to say the benefits of deferring would be that I'd have no more hex because I'd never be able to make enough money to pay it off. But that could be good too. No, it's good. It's good. You should trade on it. You should introduce yourself everywhere. I should bank on it. I'll become the Joe Rogan guy.

Loughlin, the Joe Rogan guy. Loughlin, the Joe Rogan. That's got a good ring to it, Charles. Well, what about Lachland, Australia's Joe Rogan? Joe Bogan? Yes. I think that that might be defamatory to call someone Australia's Joe Rogan. Why have we not got a spin-off podcast called Joe Bogan?

We should totally have the Joe Bogan podcast. Because Dom, no one would listen to it. Just like this podcast. In all sincerity, mate, don't defer because if the only thing you have going for you is this podcast and no objective drop job training, you're doomed, mate. You're doomed, mate. You are fucked. The Chase Report is sponsored by the day after the club.

I'm not hungover. I just prefer when we talk softly, then smell like piss. Sure I've missed this, though. Woo! Ah! Oh! Before we go, it is Friday, so we have to read out some of the reviews. on iTunes, and we've got quite a lot this week, Gabby?

Yeah, you probably wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that we interviewed Australian of the year, Grace Tame, would it? Well, let's have a look at the reviews. Yeah, yeah, the first review, unsurprisingly at all, is a five-star from Silicon Photography, Grace Tame, Australian of our hearts, just saying the interview with Grace Tame, Australian of the Year was incredible. Okay, that's mostly because Grace Tame is, as Gabby perfectly puts it, fucking incredible, but also the interviewers were spot on, particularly one of the blokes, one of the blokes,

love that, particularly one of the blokes who responded with some really thoughtful, empathetic comments and Charles. Sorry, I think that might have been doing for a year, but I still don't know which middle-aged bloke is which, except when it's Craig Roocastle. Oh, come on. And thank you, Gabby, for gushing. You said everything I was wishing I could say to Grace. You are so welcome and also thank you for such a lovely review. And if you have trouble differentiating Dom and Charles in the future, Just the sad one is Charles and the even sadder one is Don. Yeah, thanks. That's very accurate.

Okay, next review. It says, I wake up with today. Thanks. Wrong so, but great. I love waking up with Don and Charles in the morning. Great way to start the day. I like that the chaser are blooding interns. They are.

They really are. But I really do hope the interns are being paid. We're not. We're very much not. No, God, no. Well, in gratitude. We're very thankful for your service. Yeah, the best kind of payment.

Fucking exposure. Thanks, Charles. Yeah, yeah. They're also a good addition to the podcast. Also loving the extra episodes, actually very informative. Keep going with us. These are all too nice. We've become informative, which is how you know the world's turned to shit.

Oh, yeah. I love this one. Depressing, but hilarious. I love to wake up in the morning hearing Charles swearing or ranting about his own life. I'm glad you like it, Kina, 08, because, God, it's become a hindrance to most of us. That might be from my wife, actually. Oh, are we allowed to rig this? It's not a, no, I don't even think it's about the podcast.

I think it's just a genuine comment. Oh, deeply concerning is the next review. That sounds about right. Read that one. It's incredibly disturbing that this podcast now provides some of the most reliable analysis of the news in Australia. Add this to the Petita Advocate and the shot, both providing better reflections on what's happening in the country,

the News Corp, the nine papers and insiders on the ABC. And something seems wrong. Well, I agree. Thanks for that comment, Avril H.J. Yeah. Yeah, it is also concerning to us because sometimes, God forbid I expose this on the podcast, sometimes we pre-record certain segments.

And the next day, we can't say that. Because I was going to say the next day, sometimes we're proven completely correct. Yeah, no, that's true. Yeah, like often we'll do the news. news and then it'll be fake and then the next day it'll be true it's real it's real it turns out i think we've had some interns meddling in here what well one of the reviews is five stars to their credit but it says pay slip issue oh hey guys my pay slips keep getting blocked just wanted to check we

hadn't gone bankrupt again i tried calling but my number says you have me blocked by mistake please i have read you and my landlord doesn't accept podcast shoutouts as payment anymore and that was left by big sad data boy. Yeah, look, I have talked to Loughlin and, you know, look, we'll have the pay. You know, if everyone can just go to chaser.org, then we should be able to sort out the pay problem. Oh, he accidentally just confirmed that you send us like $5 a week. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Oh, shit. Classic. So please go to iTunes, leave a five-star review. We should set a sort of a little mini essay question for next. week, are you trying to funnel content out of our listeners? Well, why don't we just get them to write some funny headlines for us? Charles, you hired interns. We want to keep out.

I want to get even cheaper writers. I was just going to say, why don't we ask them, like, life's unanswerable questions? Like, okay, I'd like to ask why fruitcake exists when clearly no one likes it. Yeah, why does, so just please answer. Okay, good. Our gear is from Road. And we're part of the ACAS creator network. See ya.