The Chaser Report - Piece in Our Time

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

We all agree war is bad, and China and Russia are just trying to do what's best for the world. If we all stopped invading places, and fighting those invading us, there'd be no more unnecessary bloodshed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence. This is the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Charles Firth. I'm Dom Knight and everything is going to be just fine. Charles, don't worry. I know you've been worrying. I want you to stop.

I want you to stop worrying because multiple situations are going to be just fine. The voice is going to sail through now because Labor and the coalition have struck a deal, Charles, to manage it. And not only the voice, but the war in Ukraine is going to be absolutely fine. Something's happened in the past couple of days. I don't know if you saw it. Oh, yeah. It's all going to be okay. Everything's fixed.

I can't think of a single problem that hasn't been a different. except climate change, but that's too hard. All right. Screw that. Let's talk about stuff that can be fixed. So it sounds like this episode, Dom, is going to be a very optimistic, happy episode. Yes, with good news. Because so often, Charles, in this podcast, we've had doom and gloom, COVID.

We focus on such terrible things. And COVID is back. We might even talk about the fact that we now know almost certainly that it was a raccoon dog. Yes. We'll get to that. But, um... I've always hated raccoon. While where, have you?

Yes. Oh, yes. Ever since I learned it. about their existence about three days ago. Because you have a raccoon and you have a dog and the two should not mix. No. It's unnatural, Charles. It's unnatural.

Yes. Am I turning like a eugenicist there? Probably I am. Anyway, the point is people have been very critical of China. Yes. For completely suppressing the information. Yes. And some scientists uploaded the genetic signature of that particular virus, which proved

that a raccoon dog was involved. Scientists have said, couldn't they have done this three years ago and helped us actually figure out what was going on. But the answer was no, because China doesn't want to be responsible for the cause of the virus. No, exactly. Yeah, because they, they know it was the CIA. What? The CIA framed China, didn't they? Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely. That's what they did. So anyway, not only is China a trustworthy partner with COVID, committed to truth, but they're going to fix the war in Ukraine. Did you see this? I noticed, because Putin went to Ukraine, didn't he? He turned up in Maripo, which is one of the few areas, the biggest city

that's under his control, yes, as a propaganda visit. But then he headed back to Moscow, and Xi Jinping turned up to visit. And it's important to understand how amazing China's role is in this situation, because somehow, Charles, at the same time, they are best friends. In fact, Xi Jinping has called Putin his best friend in the past. They're besties. Yes. He, they have a no-limits friendship between the two countries. They're allies, that word's been used in the past couple of days, they're allies. And yet at the same time, Charles, this is a brilliant thing. China is an honest broker who is staying out of the conflict

and wants nothing more than to resolve it and just fix everything. So now that China's involved, now that she is there, it's going to be okay. He's going to fix it. I feel like, Dom, you are adopting that sort of heavy-handed sarcasm tone that you sometimes do. I know, but Charles, have you read the 12-point peace plan? Because I've got it here, and it's all very, very reasonable. Oh, okay. So it's all done.

There are 12 points, even at Vladimir, Zelensky says that it sounds good. So you heard it here first on the Chaser Report, peace in our time. Yes, peace in our time. Point one, respecting the sovereignty of all countries. That's the first point that China has. Admitted, this is where the process breaks down at 0.1 of 12, because the big question is, does Russia have to give back the Donbass, the regions that they've already seized and Crimea?

Vladimir Zelensky says absolutely they fucking do. Yes. Because otherwise people would be, like other countries would be incentivised to go, oh, you know what, I might just invade that country, take a little bit of it, and then we'll cut a deal. And then go, oh, you've got to respect. borders. You've got to respect existing borders and no one should invade anyone else. Because if they do that, then if Ukraine tries to take back its own territory, it would

be invading Russia. And that wouldn't be okay with China. China wouldn't like that. You've got to respect the sovereignty of all countries. So wait a minute. Is this very much a sort of like there's peace in our time just as long as Ukraine agrees to everything that Russia wants? Yes, basically. I mean, to be fair, a lot of the points are reasonable. Things like cease hostilities, don't kill anyone. Have peace talks resolve the humanitarian crisis? Is another one?

Protect civilians and prisoners of war unless they're in, unless they're weakest. Unless they're weakers, yeah. Let's protect human rights. Keeping nuclear power plants safe. I mean, I think we can all agree on that one, except for Russia. It's bombed them. reducing strategic risks is good facilitating grain exports. I mean, this is where the West has tried to sanction Russia, I think, isn't it?

Well, the grain exports thing is because Ukraine, I think, supplies 25% of the world's wheat. It's the food bowl of Europe. Yes. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And keeping industrial and supply chain stable, they say, and promoting post-conflict reconstruction, what a good idea. China stands ready, it says here, to provide assistance and play a constructive role. in this endeavor.

Who's going to pay for it, though, the rebuilding of all the bomb bits of Ukraine? Well, I think, look, just spitballing here, Ukraine. It wouldn't be Russia. It's sort of a bit like, in some ways, I think I understand China's perspective, which is like Ukraine was sitting there. It was all this tempting land with all this tempting food bowl, wheat stuff, lots of tempting people to kill and you can't really blame Russia

for then invading Ukraine seeing it was sort of They were lured Yeah they were lured in By all that excellent Ukrainian soil And you know what happened with the soil Don't you Charles What?

It turned into mud And once the tanks went through It turned into mud And they got bogged down Which is Ukraine's fault Because at that point It was still Ukrainian territory And it should have just surrendered

It would have been the best thing to do Well no But also, therefore, for making it mud. Yeah, absolutely. It was a trap. They said a booby trap for Russia. And had Russia done even the slightest research into, I don't know, the concept of driving tanks in Ukraine,

they would have realised that it was a terrible idea to send columns of tanks in. They didn't, and therefore they're losing. So this is the thing, from Russia's perspective. Yes. What are they going to do? They can't win. They've already... They already have one.

The whole point is... They've won, because Shishing Ping has come up with the people. peace plan. It gives them the territory that they want. Yeah, exactly. It's hugely embarrassing for Vladimir Putin to just be the little cousin. You know what? You know what's happened?

Vladimir Putin is the Australia in the relationship and Xi Jinping is the America. Yes. They're the junior partner. Yes. Yeah. I wonder. Deputy sheriff. Deputy sheriff of the authoritarian countries.

Has China happened to sell Russia any nuclear subs to get through the mud? Well, they are. Actually, did you see a train left China? with, I think, like, 110, like, excavators. Oh, really? Possibly to dig the tanks out of the mud. I'm not sure what's going on there. But, no, look, I am being sarcastic on some level,

but it is quite possible that China will force Russia to accept its peace plan so it can look like a good international citizen, and things will actually end, except for the thorny question of what to do with the bits of territory that Russia has seized, because it's not going to give those back. Why would you cry and declare peace until it gets them back? So China gives them lots of money, maybe, I don't know. I've got a solution.

Oh, you? Which is, what if you sort of did some sort of AI simulation, right? Oh, that sounds sounding good. You gave Putin one of those fancy new Apple AI headsets when they come out. That's good. And you make him believe that what he's seeing is, you know, you know, Russia, owning Ukraine and everything like that. So he walks around the Donbass with the glasses on and sees all these Russian flags

everywhere. Yes, yes. But actually they don't really exist. No, exactly. That's a brilliant idea. And you create sort of alternative reality. And you could apply that to all foreign policy. You could solve every single foreign policy problem.

That's brilliant. By just allowing people to have their own reality. You could give Albo. Yes. Those and those, and Petit up for that matter. Yes. And they wouldn't need the submarines. You could have.

We could have digital submarines just swimming off offshore. But also all the gas wells that they're building, Labor's building, you could give them to like Chris Bone and Tanya Plibersek and Anthony Avanese. They could go up to Queensland and Santos, like the actual company that's building all the gas wells. And they could see all these gas wells and the gas pumping out into the atmosphere. You might even be able to get some sort of body suit that makes it feel extra warm. Yeah. You know, and stuff like that.

you know, like simulate a drought or, you know, extreme weather conditions and... Oh, so it looks as though climate changes as progressed. Yes, exactly. And they'll go, oh, great, our policies are working. And yet, what actually happens in reality is we don't build the oil wells and we instead fix everything. I mean, that's a very solid idea, Charles, I like it. But has it occurred to you that a much easier alternative would be just fucking the

earth and doing nothing, and then having AR headsets that convinces, so we're walking around a field, and it's actually a burnt wasteland, there's nothing there. But through our headsets, and through the goggles we're wearing, we're seeing beautiful fields. Well, that does seem to be the plan of the leaders of the world at the moment, isn't it? What if James Cameron designs it and it looks like Pandora? We don't have to live on the earth anymore. We can live on, we can live in the world of Avatar. And the problem is if James Cameron designed it, it would go on and on forever. Plus, everything will have breasts. I don't know if you heard this story.

What? When he was designing the Navi initially, his point was, no, they don't actually need breasts. They don't suck all the young the way that humans do. Right. But he just gathered in them anyway, just to be sexy. I'm just imagining in the James Cameron alternative reality, like hills. Is there a porn version of Avatar that he's made? I'm sure there is.

It just goes around. Oh, he does like going down. Anyway. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes.

Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. So, no, Charles, it's going to be fine. No, but I think, look, I can see your point, which is the plan is for our reality to be bad.

Yeah. But I actually think, you know, like we promised the listeners an optimistic podcast. Okay. And I think I've solved the world's problem. Yeah. I think we just give everyone AI headsets as soon as they come out, like all the world's leaders, they can go off into their own fantasy land. And actually, while they're distracted, we can maybe, you know, like with Putin,

If he's got the headset on, there's maybe, you know, push him over near towards the window. Well, I wanted to talk about this because, I mean, the sort of Russian accidental death syndrome. Yes, which is all about de fenestration. It is very, well, a lot of it's defenestration. There are other forms as well.

I mean, don't forget the Novichok and all that kind of stuff. Oh, Novichok in the underpants. A lot of, I've actually got the Wikipedia here. I think something like 38 Russians have had terrible accidents. It's funny, Charles, how Russian windows. 38 in the last week, isn't it? I don't know if you know this, but Russian windows tend to be very loyal to Vladimir Putin

because as soon as someone criticizes the war or says anything negative, even if they immediately dial it back and go on social media and say, I'm so sorry, Vladimir Putin's my hero, I support the war completely. The windows will still somehow open, exactly the wrong moment, and they'll fall out. Dom, you're being very cynical.

I think the excuse that I often hear when somebody defenestrates themselves and jumps out the window is that so overcome with remorse and guilt were they that they chose to throw themselves out the window because they had realised that they had said something that Putin didn't agree with and they just oh they felt too bad they felt too bad no it was 38 in between 2014 and 2017 there've been dozens more since oh yeah no because they I mean even just the number of generals who've been defenestrated in the last few months. And it's interesting how often they had massive assets that just somehow ended up under the control of Vladimir Putin thereafter.

Yes, isn't that... Someone's got to look after all those giant gas and oil companies that they used to own. But maybe instead of doing that, Vladimir Putin could just have a headset that shows him the mutilated bodies of his opponents on the ground and they wouldn't actually have to die, right? Wouldn't that be easier if he just thought they'd all died?

Yes. Well, I think this is my proposal. I think, yeah, like, you can quench the bloodthirstiness of every tyrant just by giving them an AR headset. That's a very good idea. Now, Charles onto, the other thing that's been solved, and this is apparently without Xi Jinping's help. And as always, we as two white men are the perfect people to comment on the voice debate. But a deal's been struck. The coalition and Labor have come together to work out the deal for the referendum. It's just happened as we record. And so the deal

is there wasn't going to be any pamphlet outlining the yes and no case because I think some in the government took the very small-minded view that you couldn't have a no case without it being horribly racist. That was the view that they initially took. But the coalition have managed to make them see sense

and have a no case that comes to all of our houses anyway. Right. So everyone's going to get something in the mail that explains the reasons to vote no. Well, I think that's what happened in 1999, wasn't it? Yes. You got both sides of the argument presented

to you. You did. Yeah. But what they're not going to do is fund both sides of the campaign. They're not going to allow government money to tell people to vote no. And I think part of the point there is that Labor's setting up these mechanisms for all future referenda, right?

Yes. And what they don't want is because you can imagine a scenario where some fuck-wit, you know, get selected and wants to run a referendum on should transgender people exist or something. Let's call them Mark Latham, just to choose

an example for this week's news. And you could exploit that by going, some referendum that would definitely never get up, but use it as an opportunity to then massively bankroll one side of the argument, you know, like to give them a whole lot of money

that they would otherwise not get. I think it's called the referendum is mechanism bill. It's not just about this one. It's about all referendum down the train. So it means you can't, for the Republic debate, for instance, spend lots of public money on each side of the campaign. So that's good. So who came to the party on that? Was it the libs or the Greens? They could have worked with the Greens and David Pocock. They had lots of ideas to, I guess, you know, make it a little bit more progressive. David Pocock wanted to have the advertising blackout period and so on. Whereas the, I think the coalition just wanted blackout in general, the constitution.

Whiteout, probably. White in, blackout, I think, was the position. So, Peter Dutton, of course, hasn't actually said whether he supports the voice or not. The debate's been going for more than a year, and he hasn't actually got a position yet. Do you think maybe he's just very slow at reading? Because you know how initially he said, oh, I need more detail, and then they mailed him that 110 pages long, yeah, Professor Megan Davis and so on. And he's now going, oh, no, I should never have asked for more detail.

See, Charles, the thing is he just has a lot of questions. He just has a massive amount of questions about exactly what would happen. And maybe what we should do is create an app that you put the glasses on and you see what it would be like if there was a voice, indigenous voice to Parliament. I mean, the government's perspective on that is, but we don't know, because the whole point of the legislation is that we will then decide as a parliament, which you're a member of, Peter, will then discuss then what the voice is going to look like. It doesn't make sense to have the discussion before you have the power to actually legislate for it.

Whereas he says, I must know the answer to all these questions. And some cynics have suggested this is an attempt to derail the debate. Yes, of course it is. By arguing about the mechanisms and the processes rather than the substance. Because if you argue about the substance, Charles, you sound a tad racist. Have you noticed? So you can't say you don't want. Yes.

I know, I should say the nationals have no problem saying that you should have the voice in the Constitution. Yeah, yeah. But Peter Dutton doesn't want to come out and say that. No. Especially because the teal vote. Exactly. So he's just said there's problems with the process. I just want to know, can this legislation be applied to the TV show The Voice

and the mechanisms by which that's conducted? Imagine if you had the Voice Department and it was Delta Goodrum. Wouldn't that be massively disappointing? If after all this debate and fuss, the proposed model is actually just chairs flipping around. Yeah, what if it actually turns out to be a rock and great. Aboriginal singer to Parliament. That'd be good. That'd be fucking unreal.

And imagine question time set to music. You could get Dan Salton up there or something. Christine Arnoux. Yeah. That's a model. Maybe you should tell Peter Dutton that that's on the table. Yeah, no, I reckon, I think that's the way to do it is to answer Peter Dutton's questions with just really specific but highly popular ideas like that.

Because then he'd have to be the anti-Christine Arnou candidate. No one could oppose Chris in our own. Yeah, exactly. She's lovely. She is fabulous. You might have just solved the whole. I've solved it. You've solved it.

I've solved world peace. I've sold climate change. And I've sold the voice to Parliament. But, Charles, you know what will happen. If we can't get the two sides to meet. Like, they've managed to cut a deal on this. And Labor and Liberal, Labor and the Coalition really have a common interest in freezing out the Greens.

That seems increasingly. Yeah, yeah, I totally. But Katie Gallagher was on radio. this week saying actually the whole problem is that the libs don't want to negotiate with her and so she's being forced to negotiate with the Greens which she says is ridiculous because she'd much revert her buying the business sector yeah exactly so charles what will happen I guess in the event that in the event that they can't work out a deal between the coalition if peter dutton and his colleagues for some reason just keep opposing the voice

and try and tell peter the whole idea there's one person person who can come in and sit the two parties down and sort it all out. Me? Shijing Ping. Oh, Shijing. Broker. Yes. He'll come in.

Yes. And he'll just look at both sides and he'll do whatever Russia wants. No, but the good thing is that like, you know, that sort of plays into our favour because presumably indigenous people will be there and they'll say, hey, you know, all these white people stole all our land. And Xi Jinping will go, oh, well, don't have to give it bad. It's been taken. It's been taken.

It's respect the existing borders. I think that really works in white people's favour. Well, what we'll probably end up with in that process, which kind of reflects the geopolitical reality, is China's voice to parliament. So we just find out what the Chinese government thinks on an issue and have to act accordingly. Isn't that just twiggy forests, lobbying, sort of? I think that was actually Sam Dastiari, wasn't it? Wasn't it?

The Chinese voice to parliament? At one point? Oh, former friend of the show. That's several points. Yeah, yeah, there you go. Just a little, like, treason. Just a little bit there. I mean, it's so, when you've got bags of money and Charles,

it's just so hard to source them appropriately. I've always found. Our gear is from Road. We are part of the iconoclast network. We'll be back tomorrow now. Also, just a reminder, if you're in Sydney, we're having a rally on Sunday to oppose the horrible changes to the superannuation system

which affect people who have over $3 million. some cash in this ever. It's outrageous. It's, it's a... Dom and I have been very, very distressed about this. It's the politics of jealousy, Charles. Yes, because, you know, how are we going to make ends meet with only $3 million in cash? Actually, is Sandestiari coming to address the rally? He's quite well off these days, isn't it?

It's three million rim-bimbi. Yeah, that's right. Don't forget to give us a review on Apple Podcasts, by the way, and it's a fantastic chance just to wish Rip Murdoch happy, you know, fifth wedding. That's what we want to see. Yes, that's right. And just give us five stars if you would be so kind on the way through. Thanks for listening.

We'll catch you next time. See ya. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply.

Details at FIS.ca.